Caravan of No Despair: A Memoir of Loss and Transformation

by Mirabai Starr

On the day her first book came out—a new translation of Dark Night of the Soul by Saint John of the Cross—Mirabai Starr’s daughter, Jenny, was killed in a car accident. “My spiritual life began the day my daughter died,” writes Mirabai. Even with decades of spiritual practice and a deep immersion in the greatest mystical texts, she found herself utterly unprepared for “my most powerful catalyst for transformation, my fiercest and most compassionate teacher.”

With Caravan of No Despair, Mirabai shares an irreverent, uplifting, and intimate memoir of her extraordinary life journey. Through the many twists and turns of her life—including a tangled relationship with a charlatan-guru, her unexpected connection with the great Christian mystics, and the loss of her daughter—Mirabai finds the courage to remain open and defenseless before the mystery of the divine. “Tragedy and trauma are not guarantees for a transformational spiritual experience,” writes Mirabai Starr, “but they are opportunities. They are invitations to sit in the fire and allow it to transfigure us.”

Genres: Memoir, Spirituality, Grief, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir, Biography, Death

276 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 2015

About the author

Mirabai Starr is an award-winning author, internationally acclaimed speaker, and interspiritual teacher. In 2020, she was honored on Watkins’ list of the 100 Most Spiritually Influential Living People. Drawing from 20 years of teaching Philosophy and World Religions and a lifetime of practice, Mirabai shares her wisdom worldwide on contemplative living, writing as a spiritual practice, and the transformational power of grief and loss. She has authored over a dozen books including Wild Mercy, Caravan of No Despair, and renowned translations of sacred literature. Her most recent book, Ordinary Mysticism, has been praised by Anne Lamott as “a gorgeous, transformative, welcoming book is for anyone who longs to feel more present, more alive, more joyful and aware of the holiness of daily life”. She lives with her extended family in the mountains of northern New Mexico. For more, visit www.mirabaistarr.com.

Reviews

[Victoria Weinstein · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a well-written book by someone whose maturation was deeply marked by the craven irresponsibility of the adults in her life.

I have real sympathy for Mirabai Starr and I'd really like to read some of her translations of the classics of Christian mysticism.
However -- and by no fault of hers -- her story felt to me like an interminable slog through a dreadful era and cultural context of spiritual excess and emotional emptiness.

I think Starr does a great job narrating her spiritual experiences, but I couldn't muster any real connection to her and the people in her life as characters. There was just so much chaos and none of them except for Jenny came through as an individual (and of course the wanna-be guru who groomed her to be his teenaged lover was thoroughly despicable).

I appreciated the author's ability to describe hallucinations, spiritual raptures and grief. She's a fine writer, but I this book had bad psychic energy. I kept thinking that these religiously promiscuous hippies were just as bad as conservative fundamentalists -- they were literally breaking their children's minds with excessive spiritual practice. There is a scene when a family friend admits to putting acid in the lemonade because she wants to liberate everyone's consciousness.... she literally induced a lifelong mental breakdown in the author.

I'm a minister. I am a spiritual person by nature and profession. I am amazed that so few of the glowing reviews on here have a critical analysis of the way that spiritual practice is used and abused by the people in these communities.
This is a book about dangerously misguided people doing lasting harm to young people, and someone needs to point out that the author herself is lucky to be alive.

[Doreen Petersen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Received this from Netgalley in return for an honest review.
To be honest I struggled with the first half of the book but when the author loses her beloved daughter and starts going through her grieving process it was like a lightbulb went off in my head and it all made sense to me. I've been through so much loss of close loved ones and in a way this book helped me to understand that I'm not alone and everyone has their own way of grieving. This is no right or wrong. That being said I would highly recommend this book to all.

[Monette Chilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was not at all what I expected, but I often find books that wander furthest from my expectations to be the most memorable. I picked this one up because the author has a spiritual life that draws from many traditions (like mine), and I thought the author's sudden loss of her daughter would help me process my sister's unexpected death.

I didn't expect to be caught up in a story that's more about life than death. Indeed, the bulk of this memoir is a rollicking coming-of-age ride through territory that makes my small town Texas upbringing seem positively provincial.

And once I adjusted to the path the book was taking, I didn't mind the detour one bit. It was one of those memoirs that's so far removed from my own experience that I kept feeling like I was in the midst of a novel, rather than the adeptly written non-fiction masterpiece that had captured me.

So, I came for the comfort, for the words of one who knows loss. I stayed for the sublime writing and the riveting story of spiritual seekers. This one is definitely worth seeing through to the end.

[Craig Bergland · Rating 5 out of 5]

There were times in the first half of this book that I found myself bewildered, as the author's childhood was in some ways profoundly different from my own and in other, perhaps intangible ways very much like my own. I honestly didn't know what to make of it. Then, suddenly, I found myself in liminal space, a thin place, where the divide between the daily and the Holy is so gossamer thin as to be imperceptable. I understood where I was even as I realize I can't explain it very well. This is a book you have to be ready for, but if you are ready it will transform you.

[Mariah McKenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Caravan of No Despair drew me in and kept me captivated. It's like reading Jeannette Walls' "The Glass Castle," but for spiritual seekers. The searing honesty of Ms. Starr's sometimes disturbing personal journey reveals both the sacred and profane linings of an alternative lifestyle—one I once deeply coveted—yet also allows the reader to trust the moments when we feel, through Starr’s telling, the transcendent power of abiding love and a spiritual life that sustains her despite everything—even when she had no more desire of it and even in the heart of her deepest grief.

[Jeri Paull · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book ended up not being what I had hoped it was - it was far more a memoir of the author's unconventional life than it was a reflection on the loss of her daughter. To be fair - I don't believe it was falsely represented - I had read a quote of hers that resonated and I read the book on impulse I didn't care for the rambling, confusing, stream of consciousness writing style, but I can see it's appeal. I was caught in the beauty for a moment here and there; I think our upbringings were just so different that I couldn't transcend my shock at those differences and enjoy the book.

[Elizabeth Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautiful narrative of a hippy, neglectful childhood, a spiritually abusive marriage, and the tragic loss of a daughter set against the backdrop of an abiding, embracing spiritual life.

[Katie Allen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought I'd lost the ability to finish a book there for a second.

[Robin Reese · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is less about death and longing than it is about strength, love and the pure non-judgmental, unconditional, appreciation of life in all its names and forms. A coming-of-age story, from page one we are on a journey! Together we navigate the tricky unpredictabilities life presents to all of us. While thoroughly entertained by colorful trappings of a wonderfully eclectic community, I grew up right alongside my narrator. Solid effort all around!

The winter selection for our book club, I was concerned "Caravan" was yet another pretty and precious women's book. I was wrong! This book was written by a warrior. Brave, honest and exciting. I read all 300 pages in two days, could not put it down!

Mirabai Starr is in peak form here. Trust that her keen eyes and unflinching bravery will not bog us down in sentimentality. It was the most honest thing I've read all year. For that, more than anything else, I found myself in tears much of the book.

I highly recommend this to anyone. Book clubs take note!

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having taken a course from Mirabai Starr through the Shift Network, I was very interested in her story and I found it fascinating and inspiring.

[Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This story was so rich. At times heart breaking, sometimes almost unbelievable and others completely soulful. Mirabais life has been anything but easy, but she certainly has taken the best of the spiritual teachings she grew up with and wove them into her life to make something full of meaning and beauty. Her honesty and “naked” spirituality is inspiring.

[Elizabeth(The Book Whisperer) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written

[Rena Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mirabai Starr writes with an incredible depth where it concerns the loss of a child and my heart was full of tears during this part of the book. I imagine her to be an incredibly beautiful person. My issue with this book however is that it seems to promote a type of confused path to spirituality that I feel is misleading and unhelpful. During her darkest days, she couldn't figure out which path of her many teachings to turn to and found that none of the practices she'd done stood her in good stead. She also couldn't decide exactly what to do in the way of a ritual for her dead child. To me, the sadness of this equaled the sadness I felt around her profound loss but I learned also, how important it is to just be with the grief. She writes about this from a very knowledgeable place.

I enjoyed hearing of her early life and the interesting people she was exposed to. (Pema Chodron, Natalie Goldberg, Ram Dass, Georgia O'Keefe, et al)

[Lynne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes it takes a confusing life with many paths to bring one to a main road...a road made of all those little paths still running together, merging, yet retaining something of their own nature.

I so agreed with Mirabai's description of how one's anguish at the death of a child should be so noticeable to others, yet strangers (and even acquaintances & friends) just seem so blind to it. I remember with our son lying in ICU near death having to go grocery shopping for our family and wanting to shout to others not to be so complacent, so unknowing, so ordinary...that my son was dying and they were taking no note of him nor our sorrow. How could a clerk smile to us and say "Have a nice day" and not know that this was an awful day.

[Susan Ritz · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book rather disturbing, though truthfully written. Made me wonder if parents on their own quest for spiritual awakening or seeking their own unconventional wisdom can bring up healthy children. This book at its heart is about love and loss, but it is also a chronicle of generational dysfunction that leads to tragedy. It did make me want to read some of Starr's translations of Christian mystics.

[Laura Kisthardt · Rating 2 out of 5]

I purchased this book after attending a seminar led by Mirabai. I really enjoy the interfaith aspect of her spirituality and those were some of my favorite parts of the memoir. She has suffered a lot of personal loss. I liked reading about her own hippie-esque upbringing and the parallels with her own daughters.

[Lynda Terry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished my friend Mirabai Starr's incredibly moving memoir and I'm still too much in it to be able to write a review yet. So for now, I just urge anyone who sees these words to read it. It will change you.

[Jane Clark]

I really hesitate to write a review of this book because grief is so unique and specific an experience. Each reader will have to consider the value of Starr's contribution to movement through the grief journey for him/herself.

[Katharine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Moving and emotional spiritual journey of the author through some really hard times. Poetic throughout.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book broke me apart and then put me back together again. I don’t really know how else to describe it. Definitely a life changing book I’d recommend for everyone to read.

[K Sand · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was raw, and it was honest. I liked how the author described different perspectives being thrust on her regarding how to approach her daughter's mental illness. I felt worried about her children living with her and the man who had groomed her. A lot was said about the build up of her relationship with a man who was a predator, but I would have liked to know more about why she chose to leave him. Perhaps for selfish reasons- I wish that she had openly recognized he was a predator, or that it was some sort of women's empowerment thing- although it may not have been.

I also thought it was interesting that although she had experienced abuse and neglect within a small community, that she continued living there, and didn't try to move away or reinvent herself. I sometimes got annoyed that she seemed to pick and choose what religion she believed in, but the way she synthesized those religious experiences near the end felt very beautiful- and ultimately I found myself respecting her openness to multiple religions/religious experiences.

I also thought it was interesting she didn't seem to resent her parents for their lack of awareness, or for letting her live with a predator.

It was an interesting and unique perspective. I also found myself wishing she spoke about Daniela more, I felt like she glossed over sections that would have been interesting to go deeper into. I felt that she sort of idealized Jenny and forgot about Daniela and her children.

[Harry Allagree · Rating 4 out of 5]

My first exposure to the writing of Mirabai Starr was shortly after her translation of Teresa of Avila's Book of My Life appeared c. 2007. It was such a delightful & spiritual experience of the, far more readable than the translation I'd read previously. Not long ago, I finished her translation of Julian of Norwich's Showings, which I've read multiple times in at least two or three versions. My reaction was the same as with the translation of Teresa of Avila. I sense that she is a genuinely gifted human being.

Caravan of No Despair was of great interest to me, particularly because Mirabai Starr & I share in common the loss of a child. She & I couldn't have started further apart in the story of our childhood, adolescence & upbringing, but amazingly I found us reasonably "simpáticos" as to where we both ended up addressing life philosophically & spiritually. Her description of her grief process was most helpful in my understanding my own. Her grasp of the Christian mystics seems quite remarkable to me, even despite her wide & eclectic religious experiences. I look forward to reading more of her work.

[SUSAN BOOKWORM · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was drawn to this book because I too have a Christian faith , like so many of us, and have lost a child. Although I can see great parallels in our grieving I found Mirabai 's spiritual path totally confusing . Having been brought up in a spiritually fluid and haphazard manner Mirabai continues to latch onto all and any spiritual path to help her come to terms with her loss and how to carry on her own life. Mirabai seems to be grasping at anything , Judaism here Hindi there a pinch of paganism ,Buddist meditation and at least 3 Sufi orders to offer the help and reassurance she is desperately seeking rather than finding true peace with God. Her writing saddens me because i feel that only someone who still hasn't found what they are looking for would continue to have a finger in every pie.

[Uriel Gavito · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love it when I find a book that I don't want to put down. This is one of those books for me. Mrs. Mirabai Starr is an excellent writer, whose sentences spark joy and contemplation. Her honesty is almost brutal, as she is so vulnerable in this memoir. Her spiritual sensibilities align with mine; like me, she engages with various theological frameworks while anchoring most deeply in Krishna Bhakti. Her writing and spirituality are so impressive that I am now a fan for life. I look forward to reading more of her works.

Lastly, I think it's so cool that she lives in Taos. I was able to visit and spiritually connect to that far out place in my own travels. Reading about Taos in the eyes of a local as it plays as the setting for most of the author's life was very satisfying, and deepened my own appreciation for that wonderful, mundane yet other-worldly town.

[Mary K · Rating 4 out of 5]

A page turner of a story. Starr has dealt with more than most of us can imagine during her life and she tells her story with brutal honesty. I feel deeply for her and respect the way she has dealt with so many tragedies in her life.

The strange thing is, the book didn’t emotionally grip me and I can’t figure out why. Maybe her gurus were off putting, telling her not to cry over the death of her daughter. Maybe all the talk of the afterlife made her seem detached from reality, even if she isn’t. Or maybe the book just tried to cover too many angles of her life and her hair-raising childhood got glossed over.

It was a good book, though, and I’d probably recommend it.

[Melani Moore · Rating 4 out of 5]

I devoured this book. I loved to see this deep level of Mirabai, who I respect so much. I was thankful to see her as a parent and feel better about myself as a human parent. I am honoroed to see her humanness and better accept my own humanness. It was fascinating and scary and beautiful to see her counter-cultural childhood as we become more and more counter-cultural ourselves. I am thankful she shared the pretty and the painful. She is other-worldly holy to me, and I never know what that looks like in daily mom life. This book gave me a window, and it now seems so much more of-the-earth human to me and more like something attainable.

[Brenda Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

“That which does not destroy us, strengthens us” describes, in part, Star’s early years. As she honestly faces her pain in losing her daughter, I was encouraged to take a clear-eyed view of my own pain. Her description of the wonderfully spiritual support she received and her vulnerability to the pain and support were lessons, as well. Integrity with self is healing; healing is not forgetting.
I suggest the reader approach this story with his or her own vulnerability and willingness to walk with Starr, recognizing her story is universal - human and true. Be prepared to feel. Be prepared to heal.

[Bev Ransom · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the first 2/3 of the book a bit frustrating. I couldn't relate well to all of the chaos, and felt frequently confused by the timeline of what happened in her life. The last part of the book felt so different...exquisite writing, and I fully related to how she described her grief (even though I haven't experienced a loss such as hers).

In retrospect, I now understand that I read the first part of the book too slowly, and thus stretched out the time in which I couldn't quite get why this was also an important part of the whole story.

In the end, I would recommend the book. Raw honesty, and a beautiful way to look at faith and belief.

[Debbi Flittner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book touched my heart in many ways. It is like an emotional recipe book for personal integration. Take a terrible unpredictable crisis, added it into an already deep spiritual life. Mix well, and give it plenty of space and love and time to grow into the slow blessings of what will come.

Many of us have found ourselves at incredibly hard crossroads. Here, the author, plainly and openly describes and faces all of the emotions and situations one could possibly feel from the sudden loss of a deeply loved person. I felt this book enabled me to walk alongside these experiences and grow from them, and to better embrace my own. Thank you for sharing such a deep story.

[Pja · Rating 3 out of 5]

Don't get me wrong, this book opened up a whole new world to me. What let me down was the misleading blurb. I picked it up cause it's a story about a mother grieving her teenage daughter. I appeared to me that this grief was the starting point of her transformation. But the daughter appears like halfway through the story. The rest of it is about her life, the many losses she has coped with, her spiritual journey, her turbulent yet oddly comforting childhood... All sorts of things i did not expect when I read the blurb. That said, these facets of her life inform the story and inform her transformation. I just felt they also overpowered the story. I did like the book a lot!