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Good Enough Parenting: An In-Depth Perspective on Meeting Core Emotional Needs and Avoiding Exasperation
"Good Enough Parenting" combines principles from schema therapy and the latest research with the Louis’ experiences as therapists, community leaders and parents to provide a thorough, practical, easy-to-read and well-reasoned guide. "Good Enough Parenting" introduces “Core Emotional Needs” and explains why meeting them is absolutely crucial for raising emotionally healthy children. Parents will gain insights into their own issues and learn how to avoid “Exasperation Interactions” as well as how to “Repair” after a conflict and Reconnect” with teenagers and adult children.
- GenresParentingPsychology
262 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 2, 2015
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Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews
July 13, 2025
I know it’s a cliché, but this book is not just another parenting book for several reasons.
Firstly, the theoretical framework underlying Good Enough Parenting (GEP) is heavily evidence-based. Secondly, both authors maintain a vulnerable yet reflective stance on their own parenting journey, rather than adopting the position of a “perfect parent.” Thirdly, as Dr. John and his family have lived most of their lives across four different continents, the findings are more convincing in their universal applicability and do not carry a Western-flavored prescription.
Regarding the first reason, Good Enough Parenting (GEP) pays homage to the term introduced by Donald Winnicott, a British paediatrician and psychoanalyst. Winnicott observed that “too perfect” parenting can actually stifle children’s development into an identity of their own. Take a moment to reflect: the concept of “perfect parenting” is often defined by the parents themselves—a relic of an authoritarian past.
Also, observe how an enmeshed child may grow up to be a literal “momma’s boy,” disrupting his marriage. Notice how a child exposed to overprotection and indulgence may develop into an utterly dependent adult.
GEP is the crystallization of Dr. John’s life’s work. He theorized that if chronically unmet core emotional needs result in negative schemas, then the inverse must also hold true: fulfilled core emotional needs would result in positive schemas.
Through the research below (which Dr. John has generously shared with me in confidence), and by applying rigorous methodological and statistical principles, he was able to validate the existence of 10 positive schemas.
In another paper, Dr. John was able to prove another powerful hypothesis: nurturing interactions that fulfill core emotional needs result in the strengthening of positive schemas. At the same time, negative schemas also weaken—but at a different rate. (Humans are not machines, like a see-saw where one side goes up as the other goes down simultaneously.)
The impact of these two discoveries is major and significant. Dr. John complemented the original schema therapeutic plan, which only targeted negative schemas, by introducing the utility of nurturing the already-present positive schemas in a client. And here’s the powerful message: schema therapy is not a traditional psychodynamic-based therapy that involves “bashing” the parents for their past mistakes, but one that acknowledges both our need for them and our responsibility to understand them.
As Dr. John said, “I always teach my clients to be compassionate. I tell them to be grateful for the positive schemas their parents gave, and to forgive the negative schemas.” Note that we cannot do the second unless we have strong enough positive schemas to stabilize ourselves.
The book is rich with references to updated research and resources. This really helps: if we dare not decide an economic policy for a nation without data, we should not do so for our children, who will become our nation’s next generation.
Secondly, as I read this book, I felt that I was growing alongside the authors in navigating parenting. It is no surprise that suspicious, cult-like ideologies often begin with declarations of the leaders’ perfection and omnipotence. But the authors wrote this book with full awareness that they, too, were first-time parents. They shared moments of vulnerability in their journey (under sections called “Louis Lowdowns”—with permission from their children), and how they eventually learned to manage conflicts.
Here’s another important piece of wisdom from the authors: we cannot avoid making mistakes as parents, because we are human too. The authors distinguish between one-off mistakes and chronic mistakes that eventually become a lifestyle. Have you ever seen a family sit down to eat, and the mother and children react almost viscerally to each movement of the father? That would not be etched into their reflexes if it happened only once or twice; it becomes a way of life.
Thirdly, as Dr. John and his family have lived in multiple cities across four continents (Southeast Asia, Oceania, Europe, and North America), the content of the book is tailored to be culturally sensitive and appropriate. Indeed, both the positive schemas and the themes of exasperating and nurturing interactions are based on research samples that include Eastern populations such as the Japanese, Singaporeans, and Malaysians. This is another notable characteristic of Dr. John: he tried to invert the usual Western-centric research pattern. He would primarily use Eastern populations first, and then Western ones, to investigate the universality of his findings.
Admittedly, some of the more specific suggestions might not resonate with us Malaysians (e.g., the recommended age for separating children from parents at bedtime), but there are many other recommendations that can be implemented. The emphasis on autonomy and reasonable limits might, at first glance, seem Western-centric. But again—aren’t autonomy and reasonable limits crucial because the lack of them leads to disastrous outcomes?
As someone who repeatedly returns to psychodynamic and psychoanalytic approaches, I find that schema therapy—and Dr. John’s substantial contribution to it—offers a soft landing for future clients.
Schema therapy is especially indicated for challenging patients with personality disorders, which arise from erratic behaviors and self-concepts that cannot be corrected through rational argument (e.g., cognitive-behavioral therapy).
The wounds these patients carry are not at the rational level, but at a more intimate, visceral part of their consciousness: the experiential level. What this means is that when schemas are triggered, they result in a cascade of pervasive dysfunctional emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Think of a bad memory and observe how your heart races, your stomach drops, and your emotions become irregular.
Schema therapy also recommends imagery rescripting as one of its treatment modalities. The way I see it, it’s like the movie Inception or how Dumbledore brings Harry into the Pensieve to understand how Voldemort became Voldemort. In the imagery sessions, we aim to break the cycle of:
unmet core emotional needs → schema activation → intensification of a punishing inner parental voice
…by doing the reverse.
This is where the continued relevance of psychodynamic and psychoanalytic therapy lies (I view schema therapy as having a psychodynamic core with a holistic arsenal for intervention). As Dr. John puts it:
“An experiential wound can only heal experientially.”
Firstly, the theoretical framework underlying Good Enough Parenting (GEP) is heavily evidence-based. Secondly, both authors maintain a vulnerable yet reflective stance on their own parenting journey, rather than adopting the position of a “perfect parent.” Thirdly, as Dr. John and his family have lived most of their lives across four different continents, the findings are more convincing in their universal applicability and do not carry a Western-flavored prescription.
Regarding the first reason, Good Enough Parenting (GEP) pays homage to the term introduced by Donald Winnicott, a British paediatrician and psychoanalyst. Winnicott observed that “too perfect” parenting can actually stifle children’s development into an identity of their own. Take a moment to reflect: the concept of “perfect parenting” is often defined by the parents themselves—a relic of an authoritarian past.
Also, observe how an enmeshed child may grow up to be a literal “momma’s boy,” disrupting his marriage. Notice how a child exposed to overprotection and indulgence may develop into an utterly dependent adult.
GEP is the crystallization of Dr. John’s life’s work. He theorized that if chronically unmet core emotional needs result in negative schemas, then the inverse must also hold true: fulfilled core emotional needs would result in positive schemas.
Through the research below (which Dr. John has generously shared with me in confidence), and by applying rigorous methodological and statistical principles, he was able to validate the existence of 10 positive schemas.
In another paper, Dr. John was able to prove another powerful hypothesis: nurturing interactions that fulfill core emotional needs result in the strengthening of positive schemas. At the same time, negative schemas also weaken—but at a different rate. (Humans are not machines, like a see-saw where one side goes up as the other goes down simultaneously.)
The impact of these two discoveries is major and significant. Dr. John complemented the original schema therapeutic plan, which only targeted negative schemas, by introducing the utility of nurturing the already-present positive schemas in a client. And here’s the powerful message: schema therapy is not a traditional psychodynamic-based therapy that involves “bashing” the parents for their past mistakes, but one that acknowledges both our need for them and our responsibility to understand them.
As Dr. John said, “I always teach my clients to be compassionate. I tell them to be grateful for the positive schemas their parents gave, and to forgive the negative schemas.” Note that we cannot do the second unless we have strong enough positive schemas to stabilize ourselves.
The book is rich with references to updated research and resources. This really helps: if we dare not decide an economic policy for a nation without data, we should not do so for our children, who will become our nation’s next generation.
Secondly, as I read this book, I felt that I was growing alongside the authors in navigating parenting. It is no surprise that suspicious, cult-like ideologies often begin with declarations of the leaders’ perfection and omnipotence. But the authors wrote this book with full awareness that they, too, were first-time parents. They shared moments of vulnerability in their journey (under sections called “Louis Lowdowns”—with permission from their children), and how they eventually learned to manage conflicts.
Here’s another important piece of wisdom from the authors: we cannot avoid making mistakes as parents, because we are human too. The authors distinguish between one-off mistakes and chronic mistakes that eventually become a lifestyle. Have you ever seen a family sit down to eat, and the mother and children react almost viscerally to each movement of the father? That would not be etched into their reflexes if it happened only once or twice; it becomes a way of life.
Thirdly, as Dr. John and his family have lived in multiple cities across four continents (Southeast Asia, Oceania, Europe, and North America), the content of the book is tailored to be culturally sensitive and appropriate. Indeed, both the positive schemas and the themes of exasperating and nurturing interactions are based on research samples that include Eastern populations such as the Japanese, Singaporeans, and Malaysians. This is another notable characteristic of Dr. John: he tried to invert the usual Western-centric research pattern. He would primarily use Eastern populations first, and then Western ones, to investigate the universality of his findings.
Admittedly, some of the more specific suggestions might not resonate with us Malaysians (e.g., the recommended age for separating children from parents at bedtime), but there are many other recommendations that can be implemented. The emphasis on autonomy and reasonable limits might, at first glance, seem Western-centric. But again—aren’t autonomy and reasonable limits crucial because the lack of them leads to disastrous outcomes?
As someone who repeatedly returns to psychodynamic and psychoanalytic approaches, I find that schema therapy—and Dr. John’s substantial contribution to it—offers a soft landing for future clients.
Schema therapy is especially indicated for challenging patients with personality disorders, which arise from erratic behaviors and self-concepts that cannot be corrected through rational argument (e.g., cognitive-behavioral therapy).
The wounds these patients carry are not at the rational level, but at a more intimate, visceral part of their consciousness: the experiential level. What this means is that when schemas are triggered, they result in a cascade of pervasive dysfunctional emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Think of a bad memory and observe how your heart races, your stomach drops, and your emotions become irregular.
Schema therapy also recommends imagery rescripting as one of its treatment modalities. The way I see it, it’s like the movie Inception or how Dumbledore brings Harry into the Pensieve to understand how Voldemort became Voldemort. In the imagery sessions, we aim to break the cycle of:
unmet core emotional needs → schema activation → intensification of a punishing inner parental voice
…by doing the reverse.
This is where the continued relevance of psychodynamic and psychoanalytic therapy lies (I view schema therapy as having a psychodynamic core with a holistic arsenal for intervention). As Dr. John puts it:
“An experiential wound can only heal experientially.”
August 18, 2021
It is a very well description of the parent and children relationship... However, I believe you need to let the child grow and make the mistake by herself in order to experience life... If you love somebody set them free.. We are parents we are unsure about the teaching of our children... However, it helps you thought to go in the right direction. But I do not believe because it works for the author it will work for everybody.. It is not a guideline for growing children but it helps...
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews