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200 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 27, 2015
“Do you know how gold is found in riverbeds—when you put the grit from the bottom into a pan with holes and shake it until all the dross falls out, leaving only the gold?”
“How do you know of this? You know nothing of any use ever.”
“Ah, there you are wrong, my savage one. I know many things that I agree have not been all that useful since we came here, but you must remember I am a king. I am very highly educated in all things that are not very useful. And who has more gold—you or me?”
“And that childish cock-measuring is relevant to me how?”
“Well, I think that most people’s lives are like that pan—not shaken very much and therefore left full of useless dross. But your life has been unusually… agitated, and what is left, Niko? You are the pure gold remaining, that is what.” He ruffled my hair, although he could not see it in the darkness. “Pure gold. And I am a king, so you cannot argue, for gold is one thing I do know more about than you.”
In this place of towering trees and deep, cold lakes, of mountains and wild coastlines, I have no need to pretend to be what I am not. But the events of the last few weeks have shaken me, I confess. Even now, sitting at my crudely fashioned desk in our cabin, I can feel a slight tremor in my hand as I write. It will pass, as will the nightmares and the drumming in my ears, which sounds like a summons from the dead...

I felt myself drifting to sleep, so pulled his face up to kiss him before I did and then frowned. His cheeks were wet with tears. I could taste them as I kissed him. I held him off. “What is wrong? Have I done something to upset you?” I was fairly sure I had not, for once, which was why I risked asking this.
He shook his head, but I would not let him turn from me. Eventually he said with some genuine distress, “Why is the world like this, Niko? We came here and said this was my kingdom and that my law applied here, but nothing has changed. We still have to pretend that we are not what we are to each other. I see you so upset at dinner, and I want to hold you and ask you what is wrong, as I would be able to if you were my wife. We ride side by side all day, and I want them to think what a beautiful couple we are and aren’t I lucky to have you, and other such nonsense that people think about two people who are in love. But none of that is for us, is it? We hide and lie and pretend and it is all shit!”

⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱*A truer, stronger bond* ⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱
“Why is the world like this, Niko? We came here and said this was my kingdom and that my law applied here, but nothing has changed. We still have to pretend that we are not what we are to each other. I see you so upset at dinner, and I want to hold you and ask you what is wrong, as I would be able to if you were my wife. We ride side by side all day, and I want them to think what a beautiful couple we are and aren’t I lucky to have you, and other such nonsense that people think about two people who are in love. But none of that is for us, is it? We hide and lie and pretend and it is all shit!”
What can I say about living with Aleksey that would capture one fraction of the ecstasy and fury that are my everyday lot?
He soon caught up. He was silent for a while, as was I. I then noticed Freedom was not with him, and he said, as if I had asked out loud, “I tied him to the wagon. He is very cross with me too.”
“I was not the one who angered and flounced off, if you remember.”
“If you use that word again, I will do it again.”
“But you are right in a way. We were arguing, and then we… fucked. Yes, perhaps that’s exactly what did happen. So we never… fell in love, did we?”
“Love?” Of course I did not mean to make that sound like a question: this, love? Of course I did not intend the little splutter of incredulity. No, I meant more you speak of love now when it is snowing and I am hungry and we have a demon child trussed up in a cart and perhaps a dangerous lunatic stalking us?
I don’t think Aleksey got this, though.
His lips went a little pinched. “Perhaps in that case we should take a step back from… fucking… and fall in love first.”
