Ein Leben lang gesucht

by Kae Tempest, Conny Lösch (Translator)

Rothko Taylor ist wieder angeschwemmt worden, in Edgecliff, der rauen Kleinstadt an der Küste. Vor zwanzig Jahren hatte Rothko sie verlassen. Und auf einmal nähert sich die Vergangenheit in rasender Geschwindigkeit: die Kids auf den Skateboards genau wie früher, die gesplitterten Bänke mit Blick raus aufs Meer, wo Mum mit den Dosen im Klammergriff saß. Der eine nette Ort der Stadt, an dem der Vater nichtsdestotrotz gescheitert ist bei dem Versuch, ein glückliches Zuhause zu errichten. Und dann der Häuserblock von Dionne. Die schöne, außergewöhnliche Dionne, der einzige Mensch, der Rothko jemals wirklich angeschaut und gesehen hat, was da war. Damals war dey überwältigt, von der schieren Angst, sank unter die Oberfläche ins Chaos. Doch dey hat es lebendig wieder rausgeschafft. Und dieses Mal ist Rothko felsenfest entschlossen, dass es anders laufen wird.

In Ein Leben lang gesucht erzählt Kae Tempest sprachgewaltig und unnachahmlich von Familie und Vergebung, Erlösung und Sühne, Sehnsucht und Hingabe. Von den Dingen, die wir suchen, wenn wir uns verstecken, und von dem, was uns findet, wenn wir uns sehen lassen.

Genres: Queer, Fiction, LGBT, Book Club, Contemporary

390 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2026

Reviews

[SJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of those earth shattering, mind altering and once in a blue moon books. The experience is somewhat like reading Euphoria in the hands of a poet with lived experience. I’ve said it many times but I’ll say it again, Kae Tempest is a stone cold genius.

[Evie Spicer · Rating 5 out of 5]

most enjoyable reading experience I have had in a long time, loved every aspect of this from the characters to the sense of place to the language !! Kae
Tempest is my 🐐

[Carlita · Rating 4 out of 5]

vaya manera de escribir… que barbaridad y que emoción de final

[Relatora Roja · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rothko vuelve a su ciudad después de quince años y piensa que lo mismo es un error, que debería haber elegido un lugar donde no le conocieran para poder empezar de cero. Pero no ha sido así, ha vuelto y ahora es otre. Y aunque quiere avanzar lo tiene complicado por el pasado de su padre, que intentó sin fruto construir una familia convencional que aburría a su madre y el presente de ella, que malvive como puede. Y en mitad de esa vida que parece un bucle sigue asomando la belleza de quien ya cuando Rothko era adolescente supo verle. Por eso, pero sobre todo por elle y porque creo que en el fondo sabe que vivir tiene que ser otra cosa, a pesar del caos y de vivir entre quienes cuestionan si es ella o él, Rothko se atreve a buscar su comunidad y a reivindicar su identidad.

A mí de Kae Tempest me encantan la ternura, las segundas oportunidades y el deseo de belleza. Con esta novela me ha pasado lo mismo que con la anterior (“Cuando la vida de da un martillo”), que me daban ganas de vivir en ella.

[Oliver Starling · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic, beautiful, stunning story. Kae tempest knows life in all its ugliness and beauty.

[Helen Haythornthwaite · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a deeply moving, raw, emotional read. It’s a story, both captivating and heart-wrenching, which explores gender identity with empathy and sensitivity.

It’s a character-driven novel which follows Rothko - using the pronouns they/their. The narrative takes us on a journey where Rothko struggles to find their true self amidst a world where acceptance does not come easy, if at all.

It begins in 2026, when Rothko has been out of jail for six months; after spending 15 years in there. It explores their time in prison; how the world has changed during those 15 years; and their reflections on the past. What comes across is Rothko’s vulnerability and I was rooting for them, even before I knew why they had been in prison.

The second part goes back to 2006, and we find out about Rothko’s earlier years; the unstable family and school life; and the exploration of their sexuality. It’s a tough read in places, and really made me reflect on how it can be so easy to judge someone just by the way they look. The frustration and indecision in Rothko’s mind is clear to see, and you just want someone to step in and give them a helping hand.

It’s also a beautiful love story; about being who you want to be, and finding your people - those who will accept you for whoever you want to be. I thought it was a beautifully written piece of literary fiction which explores gender identity in a compassionate way.


I was sent a proof of this book by the publisher in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.

[Miriam · Rating 5 out of 5]

4,5 von 5 Sternen, weil ich Multiperspektiven-Romane nicht so super gerne mag.

Kae Tempest gehört für mich zu den größten Poet*innen unserer Zeit:

„Der Regen verzog sich abrupt; fast wie auf ein Signal. Rothko blickte nach oben, um Gott in flagranti zu erwischen, und sah die fahle Sonne, die sich das Gesicht in den Wolken wusch.“ (S. 24)

„[…] wie konnte ein Ding, so schwerelos wie das Leben, die allermeiste Zeit so verdammt scheiß schwer sein.“ (S. 318)

[Gee Beadle · Rating 5 out of 5]

i have been a fan of Kae Tempest for since i was 17 years old, his work has been a companion to me throughout so many phases of my life. i was so thrilled when i found out HSLS was being released on my birthday and it really didn’t disappoint.
the storyline was compelling, gritty in a way that was handled really gently and the novel as a whole felt like a breath of fresh air. the MC Rothko won me over from the first page and i absolutely loved the tonally distinct voice that Kae created for Rothko.

as always beautiful writing, i think my favourite novels are always written by poets. the descriptions are so vivid and present a reality that (as a Brit) feel so true:

’It was Wednesday. Sickly afternoon, hot and heavy. Rain coming. July creeping closer. Weird green light pushing out of low cloud.

’Out of the fields, and back down the steps into the sparkling dark of the seaside town. Strange fog in the air, like a gag in their mouth. Close as a pillow. Sometimes the mist came off the sea like this and made the whole place feel like it was under water.’

’The show was about to start. The cast changed again as she watched. The joggers first, they made their big entrance in neon. Then the people with the uniforms on their way to supermarket shifts. Then the dogs, rolling over each other while their owners stood around watching, smiling with teeth. Then it was the mums and the prams and the coffees on the benches and the people on the phone having loud conversations and the toddlers walking on leads and Angel was still sat there, watching the trapped light. Things felt greener than they used to feel. There was a storm coming. It was changing the air.’

one of the main themes throughout this book is queerness and self acceptance, i think the way this is handled is perhaps the most special part about this novel. queerness isn’t shoved in the reader’s face, it is just there — just as it is in life. it’s presented from the queer perspective: the importance of self acceptance; the confusion and resolution that can come with understanding ones identity; the fears that come when existing in public spaces; the experience of sapphic relationships. there was no big, overplayed coming out moment which i think was a really bold choice and ultimately the right one.
i really enjoyed the three act format of this novel, it presented Rothko’s experience perfectly and felt very cinematic, i can see this being adapted for the screen, and i really hope it does as it’s an important story and Kae deserves every accolade and more.

in my opinion a masterpiece, i will certainly be revisiting this gorgeous novel.

[Maria Bru · Rating 3 out of 5]

Because of reading this on my lunch at work, it took me longer than it should have; therefore it felt like it slightly dragged.
There was a lot unpack in this book; the prose takes some getting used to but it is good, and the changes of pov are frequent; making it more dynamic.
Now, the main part of this novel are the characters and their growth and not the plot.
It shows the dark side of not fully knowing who you are, because of what you have been made into, and how young people struggle with identity as a whole; but concentrating more on queer people and the issues they face when trying to just be.
It’s a book with a lot of depth and some darkness; and I felt like it navigates emotions really well, making it a very good character study.

[Ni · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kae's new novel traces the path of Leslie Feinberg's Stone Butch Blues in poetic English. The traumatic upbringing, stress, in public places, loss of friends through suicide, urban transit, living in a van. Haters, obstacles and allies. Passing as male and ultimately transitioning is the much desired and fulfilling goal. It reads like a rap in places and so lacks depth in some characters. I found myself skipping some paragraphs when I could see where the story was going.
A brave attempt to explain to people what it means to transition and why some people must do it in order to live, perhaps a little didactic. A pathway for some people while the expanding literature warns us of drawbacks, regrets and opportunity costs.

[Thomas Harte · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is not enough time for all the beautiful words that Kae Tempest has. From his poetry to his music, words pour forth at speed. The topics Kae discusses covers identity, class, gender, crime, confusion, alienation and love. This is a remarkable piece of writing. People who are not happy and contented in themselves may do terrible things but as a society surely we need to look behind the person. Rothko, the main character finally finds peace after the chaos of his early life. Bravo Kae Tempest, keep the words flowing. A definite 5 stars for this brilliant book.

[Jaren · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never, ever, ever cried like this book made me cry. The perspectives of these beautiful gorgeous characters are so insightful. I’ve learned so much about experiences I’ve never lived as if I have lived them. Not since Shuggie Bain have I connected to someone else’s pain in such a poetic way. I went back to read certain passages 4 or 5 times over. Thank you to Kae for this story. I will treasure the way it opened my heart forever.

[Laura Huete Rico · Rating 4 out of 5]

Me ha parecido brillantemente escrito. Tenían razón cuando decían que Kae es escritor y poeta y eso se nota. No sé cómo un relato sobre caer en lo más hondo puede y descubrir las partes más oscuras de ti puede ser tan bonito.

Hay algo en común en la experiencia queer y es esa sensación con la que muches nos podemos sentir indentificades de haberte encontrado a ti misme a la vez que has encontrado a la comunidad que te acompañara y te ayudara siempre a nombrarte.

[Tessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rothko will stay with me for a long time. I absolutely adored this book, the rhythm of Kae Tempest’s words, the way their words carry empathy for every character. There are no sides, no bad guys. It’s both heartbreaking and hopeful, and I savoured every single word.

[Andrew Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is just so so good.

[Annie Watson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely outstanding.

[Claudia Kearns · Rating 4 out of 5]

some of the most beautiful writing, even when describing such sad inner turmoil and circumstances. loved from start to end

[Oliver · Rating 5 out of 5]

That final chapter is one of my favourite chapters I've ever read.

[Katie Layland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful

[Amy Morris · Rating 5 out of 5]

very touching and emotional to read. I’ll definitely check out more of kae’s work

[Rochelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

This book was great, the writing was super engaging and the characters were well fleshed out and felt very real. The exploration of gender identity was superbly written and done with empathy and compassion and the location itself was written in amazing detail.