The Onesies, Fall

Totlandia #1

by Josie Brown

This is an alternate cover edition for ASIN: B00MSUCXHS

The Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club is the most exclusive children’s playgroup in all of San Francisco. For the city’s ultra-competitive elite, the club’s ten annual spots are the ultimate parenting prize.

But not everyone is PHM&TC material. The club's founder, Bettina Connaught Cross, adheres to strict membership rules: Moms only. No single parents or working mothers allowed. Membership is an arduous commitment. And there’s no room in the club for scandal, bad behavior, or imperfection...from tots or their moms.

In a world of power and prestige, no one has more than Bettina. And as every mom in Pacific Heights knows, you simply cannot cross her. But this year’s admissions process is more rigorous than ever, pitting prospective members against each other to prove their mettle.

But four of the six candidates vying for the remaining four slots have a secret that would knock them out of the running. Jade is a former stripper and porn actress, who has been absent for most of her son’s life. Jillian’s husband cleaned out their joint accounts and left her for his pregnant assistant. Ally never even had a husband—just a sperm donor—and she’s hiding a high-ranking corporate job. And Lorna fears that her son may have special needs... just the excuse her sister-in-law, Bettina, needs to deny her entry to the club.

Can these hopeful moms keep up appearances long enough to outlast the competition? Or will their chances—and their private lives—go up in flames?

This is the first of four books that follow our heroines during "the Onesies," their inaugural year in the club. Upcoming books—to be released in four episodes each year—will follow subsequent years: the Twosies, Threesies, Foursies, and Fivesies.

Friendship. Lies. Seduction. Betrayal. Welcome to Totlandia.

Genres: Chick Lit, Fiction, Humor, Contemporary, Romance, Ebooks, Amazon

202 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 1, 2012

About the author

Josie Brown's forty-two novels are now in the hands of over two million readers.

She has been published by St. Martin's Press, Simon & Schuster, HarperCollins Publishers, Penguin Books.

Read Josie’s books. You’ll get a good idea of her sense of humor. https://www.JosieBrown.com

You'll also find Josie on
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/JosieBrownCA
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/josiebrownau...
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/josiebrownn...

Visit her podcast, where she discusses writing with other authors:
http://bit.ly/AuthorProvocateurApple

Josie is the author of these novels:

The Housewife Assassin Novel Series, including
- Handbook (Book 1)
- Guide to Gracious Killing (Book 2)
- Killer Christmas Tips (Book 3)
- Relationship Survival Guide (Book 4)
- Vacation to Die For (Book 5)
- Recipes for Disaster (Book 6)
- Hollywood Scream Play (Book 7) [2014, Signal Press]
- Killer App (Book 8) [August 2014, Signal Press]
- Hostage Hosting Tips (Book 9)
- Garden of Deadly Delights (Book 10)
- Tips for Weddings, Weapons, and Warfare Hosting Tips (Book 11)
- Husband Hunting Hints (Book 12)
- Ghost Protocol (Book 13)
- Terrorist TV Guide (Book 14)
- Deadly Dossier (Book 15 - SERIES PREQUEL)
- Greatest Hits (Book 16 )
- Fourth Estate Sale (Book 17 )
- Horrorscope (Book 18 )
- White House Keeping Seal of Approval (Book 19)
- Assassination Vacation Tips (Book 20)
- Antisocial Media Tips (Book 21)
- Manners, Missiles & Mayhem (Book 22)
- Gambit (Book 23)
- Underwater Assets (Book 24)

The Candidate (Steamy Political Thriller)

Extracurricular - 3 episodic Novels (2020; Signal Press)

Totlandia - 8 episodic Novels (2014-2017; Signal Press)

The Baby Planner
[2011, Simon & Schuster]

The Housewife Assassin Gets Lucky (written with Deborah Coonts)

Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives
[2010, Simon & Schuster 2014 Signal Press]]

Hollywood Hunk (Book 1 - True Hollywood Lies)
[2005, HarperCollins; 2010 Signal Press]

Her novel, Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives (Simon & Schuster), is being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer as a dramatic series for NBC-TV.

She is also the author of three non-fiction books: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Finding Mr. Right [Penguin/Alpha]; Marriage Confidential: 102 Honest Answers to the Questions Every Husband Wants to Ask, and Every Wife Needs to Know [Signal Press]; and Last Night I Dreamt of Cosmopolitans: A Modern Girl's Dream Dictionary [St. Martin's Press]

Before becoming a full-time novelist, Josie also worked in advertising (JWT, DDB/Needham, BBM&B) and radio (WPLO-AM, Atlanta; WZGC-FM, Atlanta).

As a journalist, Josie has interviewed Maya Angelou, Brenda Blethyn, Julian Bond, Kenneth Branagh, Jackie Collins, Costa-Gavras, Craig Ferguson, John Gray, Derek Jacobi, Debbie Reynolds, and John Woo. Her celebrity interviews and relationships trends articles have been featured in Los Angeles Times Syndicate International, Redbook, and Complete Woman, as well as AOL, Yahoo, AskMen.com, Divorce360.com, and SingleMindedWomen.com, where she serves as the Relationships Channel editor.

Josie's interviews for her podcast, Author Provocateur, and for the International Thriller Writers magazine THE BIG THRILL include such notable authors as David Baldacci, Samantha M. Bailey, C.J. Box, Allison Brennan, Lee Child, Deborah Coonts, Robert Dugoni, Barry Eisler, JT Ellison, Liz Fenton and Lisa Steinke, Tess Gerritsen, Andrew Gross, Kristan Higgins, Jon Land, John Lescroart, John Lutz, James Rollins, Hank Phillippi Ryan, Brad Thor, and Debra Webb.

Although born and raised (a Southern expression) in and around Atlanta, Georgia, Josie is proudly one-hundred percent Puerto Rican: her father was born in Ponce, and her mother was from Humacao. Does this make Josie a Georgiarican? She thinks so, and proudly claims that title.

She now lives in San Francisco with her husband and two children.

Reviews

[Josie Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dear Readers,

The idea for TOTLANDIA came to me during my tour for THE BABY PLANNER. All over the country, real baby planners hosted reading parties, where I met many of the readers who were members of moms-and-tots groups. It was a joy to watch these sweet, wonderful women (and their children) laugh and play together.

I realized what I was watching was the start of some life-long friendships.

In TOTLANDIA, four women--Lorna, Ally, Jillian, and Jade--forge new friendships in the most awkward of situations: they are competing for membership in San Francisco's very exclusive Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club. And not just any club! Admission is the first step on their child's journey to the best schools and all the right life-long connections.

At least, this is what they think...

But acceptance comes with a price. Each of them must withhold some truth about herself in order to meet the club's strict (and sometimes unspoken) membership criteria.

Why does it seem that life is a never-ending version of high school? PHM&T is no exception. The right pedigree or your husband's business connections may get you through the door, but the tiniest misstep will get you snubbed, perhaps even exiled. From Day One, its unrelenting "applications committee" has Jillian, Ally, Jade and Lorna jumping through hoops.

Is the club's membership worth the toll it takes on these women, their children, and the men they love?

Parenting is an arduous, but rewarding, journey. While on this path, we meet others going through the same experiences, at the same stage of life. The joys and pain, triumphs and tragedies we face together are what make--or break--our closest relationships.

If we are lucky, we accept the reality that our greatest expectations can't come from, and for, our children, but ourselves.

This is the first of four books that follow my four heroines during "the Onesies," their inaugural year in the club, when their children are one year old.

Upcoming books--to be released in four episodes each year--will mirror my heroines' experiences through subsequent years in the club: the Twosies, Threesies, Foursies, and Fivesies.

As their children mature, so will Jade, Ally, Lorna, and Jillian. Sadly, there will be times in which they grow apart, just as this has happened to you and the friends dearest to you.

Conflict strengthens relationships. Reconciliation comes only with trust and love. This, too, will be a part of their story.

I hope you enjoy your journey with them, and with me.

-- Josie Brown
author, TOTLANDIA series



Totlandia: The Onesies, Book 1

[Marci Lambert · Rating 1 out of 5]

oh. em. gee. i think this may be the worst book i've ever read. while i prefer to read literary fiction, i'm not above the occasional palette-cleansing lighter fare. i will totally admit i love the Shopaholic series because i find them entertaining and easy to read. but this book. ugh. first, the plot *could* be compelling: Bay Area moms competing for a spot in a high society play group. but instead, the people are so unbelievable and two-dimensional. second, while the majority of the book is pretty tame, all of sudden there is a soft-core sex scene or two that feels completely out of place. i'm fine with a sex scene but going from cheery, inane dialogue to smut speech is a bit jarring. clearly this is pandering to desperate housewives who want a bit of porn in their lite reading. finally, the author sets up a mystery character. and the majority of the book revolves around which of six families will get the four available playgroup spots. we know that a few of them will be voted off the island each month and we get to see the first one. but do you want to know the rest? well, you'll need to buy the next book. really? really. this is the most obvious cash-grab i've ever seen in the literary world. in sum, this book is terrible.

[Angie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve had this on my Kindle for quite some time, and now, looking back, I wonder why I haven’t read it sooner! I could’ve been so much further into this delightful series, and also, it was such an amazingly quick read I finished it in one night! Maybe it just felt like a quick read because I devoured it and simply couldn’t put down my Kindle long enough to focus on anything else.

OK, well, I don’t have much to say. It’s pretty standard chick lit. “Pretty standard” for me – when it comes to chick lit - is synonymous with “enjoyable” and “charming”. It has its funny bits that make you snort with laughter, but mostly I really liked the characters. Their reality is very far from my own, so it was quite an adventure to walk in their shoes for awhile with all that money! In a very short time I got deeply invested in many of these characters and I could see relatively early on that close friendships were going to be formed between four specific characters.

The book ended on a humongous cliff-hanger ending which left me curious to know what’s going to happen next. Some mature content, but not too much. There you go. That’s the long and short of it.

[Theresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really like this book looking forward to reading part 2

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved it. A really fun, funny, and fast read. Full of drama that kept me quickly clicking through the pages.

It's a story of women trying to get into the most selective mom & tots club in San Francisco, and of the women who are already reigning over the club. So as you can imagine, a lot of personalities clash, and everyone has their own little secret they are trying desperately to hide from the other Mommies.

This is definitely my favorite Josie Brown book (next to The Baby Planner). I LOVED the characters - there are the ones you really dislike, but still love to read about, and of course the four main characters - Ally, Lorna, Jillian, and Jade - are all VERY likable. I found myself rooting for all of them from day one. I loved the typical plot twists & turns that the author seems to weave into her writing (that I have read at least). What a cliff hanger ending! I really look forward to reading the next installment in the series.

I also enjoyed that this was more of a "novella" at 107 pages, which is a nice break from reading 300 - 400 page books.

[Sheila Carsins · Rating 2 out of 5]

Where's the ending?

Definitely a downer, the ending is missing. The title includes the words "Book 1," which should indicate a book series, not the first half, of a two parter, of which the second part is missing. I am deeply disappointed with the lack of an ending that would've allowed this book to stand alone, and wrapped up the question of which woman's car was parked in the driveway while the lady of the house was in a meeting elsewhere, and what's mystery lady doing there, and is the husband up to no good, while the other mothers hold hands on the front porch and stand around wondering? That's it? What about every mother's secret, and who knows what about whom? There's too many loose ends. I don't recommend this book, unless you plan on purchasing all of the "Totlandia" books, and reading them all together so that they make sense. I also failed to find the humor in this book.

[Patrick · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really surprisingly good book. It was free on Amazon and I thought I'd give it a try. Well worth the read and a SOLID 3.5 stars

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are all those hit TV shows like Dance Moms or Toddlers and Tiaras and I never really got the appeal. After reading Totlandia by Josie Brown, I think I finally see it. For folks who love shows such as those or just a really great story that has a ton of humor mixed in, Totlandia is the book for you!

The storyline was so easy to get caught up in. Right away, Josie Brown hooks readers and she doesn't let go til the last page. I got so involved in each character's story and was right alongside them cheering for them and feeling all the emotions alongside them.

Totlandia is told is a lot of different point of views which was really neat, but my one complaint would be that at times it got a bit confusing. I also found some of the characters stories to be a bit naggy almost at times. Of the families, my favorite was Oliver and Jade - their story was just so much fun to read.

Totlandia by Josie Brown was just a real joy to read. I loved the variety of characters, the balance of funny and serious moments, and just the wacky story. I cannot wait to see what is next in the series!

[★ℕłℂØℓҾ★ (Nix) · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is one of those times where I felt like I was going to hate most of the characters because they could be so selfish and uncaring. I'm someone who believes in helping others and going out of my way to make life easier for people around me, and it kills me when some people can't even provide common courtesies for others. Life is hard enough. The least people can do is try to be kind to one another.

But then I actually quite liked most of the main characters! I felt the most sad for Jillian. Her circumstances take the cake for pity. And I really wanted to like Brady. His devotion to his child was admirable. But come on, man! There is some serious trouble to come. It was very definitely like what I've seen of those "Real Housewives" shows. If you enjoy that, you'll probably enjoy this.

[Lynnette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stumbled onto this by accident and thoroughly enjoyed it. Some may consider it "fluffy" but anyone who has ever had to deal with the politics of PTA and sports moms...be prepared to snicker aloud. Great book to simply enjoy.

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are looking for a book that is a quick read and fluff, then this book is really good.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun fluff read!

[Lisa Keegan · Rating 2 out of 5]

it was free. it was silly. I couldn't live like that but I want to see how it all ends

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Short, easy read that makes me glad I'm not in that class of people. I am curious to what happens to some of the characters, so I'll probably continue with the series.

[Gina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Goodreads Description- The Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club is the most exclusive children’s playgroup in all of San Francisco. For the city’s ultra-competitive elite, the club’s ten annual spots are the ultimate parenting prize.

But not everyone is PHM&TC material. The club's founder, Bettina Connaught Cross, adheres to strict membership rules: Moms only. No single parents or working mothers allowed. Membership is an arduous commitment. And there’s no room in the club for scandal, bad behavior, or imperfection...from tots or their moms.

In a world of power and prestige, no one has more than Bettina. And as every mom in Pacific Heights knows, you simply cannot cross her. But this year’s admissions process is more rigorous than ever, pitting prospective members against each other to prove their mettle.

But four of the six candidates vying for the remaining four slots have a secret that would knock them out of the running. Jade is a former stripper and porn actress, who has been absent for most of her son’s life. Jillian’s husband cleaned out their joint accounts and left her for his pregnant assistant. Ally never even had a husband—just a sperm donor—and she’s hiding a high-ranking corporate job. And Lorna fears that her son may have special needs... just the excuse her sister-in-law, Bettina, needs to deny her entry to the club.

Can these hopeful moms keep up appearances long enough to outlast the competition? Or will their chances—and their private lives—go up in flames?

This is the first of four books that follow our heroines during "the Onesies," their inaugural year in the club. Upcoming books—to be released in four episodes each year—will follow subsequent years: the Twosies, Threesies, Foursies, and Fivesies.

I wanted to read something light, funny, but with descent writing. I received this book as a freebie from Amazon and I was a little worried that the writing wouldn't be very good but I set out and started reading it anyway. Well, I have to say, I was happily surprised. The writing was good...now mind you this isn't the Grapes of Wrath or some other great literary giant...but it still was better than what I expected. The book had everything I wanted at the time...sex, humor, and a female plotline. This is the story of a premier play group called the Pacific Heights Mom's and Tot's Group. The rules are ridiculously funny...must be a skinny mom, must have a big bank account, no single mommies allowed etc... The story was a hilarious sarcastic story of a fictional playgroup that I can imagine probably really exists somewhere after spending several years as a stay at home mom and all the worries and conflicts a mom feels during her child's younger years and witnessing how some mothers act as if they are better than the others. No matter what this was a perfect break from all of the more serious books I had been reading. I loved the flow of the story, the backgrounds of the mommy's vying for the coveted spots. I would highly recommend this to anyone looking for something light and funny but with good writing. A very funny 4 stars and I will definitely be reading the next in the series.

[Mary BookHounds · Rating 5 out of 5]

MY THOUGHTS
ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT

Welcome to the world of Momolotics, where being a mom is regarded as a political endeavor. Who knew that joining a mom and tot group would be so strife with maneuvers worthy of a presidential campaign? We are introduced to Lorna, mother of a lovely toddler, that is slow in developing and her sister in law, Bettina, who heads up the premier mommy group in a ritzy area of San Francisco. Bettina seems to derive much joy in making these mothers jump though a multitude of hoops just to "belong". Membership in The Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club supposedly can guarantee a bright future for your offspring. Although these women are mostly wealthy, there are a few that are just getting by. The rules for the group are as thick as a phone book.

As the group opens up to new members, each mother has only one goal: to insure their child will have every advantage that money can and can't buy. The story focuses on Lorna, with her lovely son, who has all that money can buy. She just hasn't figured out why her son is not progressing as the other kids his age. Bettina (the ultimate mean girl), only puts up with Lorna because she is married to her brother and the fact that her mother has favored this grandchild over hers. Lorna hears the whispering about her son and after a week, finds the best doctor and her worst fears are confirmed.

Jade, mommy to Oliver and a stripper, has been bought off by her dot.com husband to leave the child alone, now finds herself bought off again to help get Oliver into the club since fathers aren't aloud. The only problem is that she still loves Oliver's father deeply and has now grown up and wants the family back together. Ally, has a completely different life that she is hiding. She is a corporate consultant to her former company that she recently sold and this is solidly against club rules: no working mothers. Oh, and there is no father either, just a sperm donor who is now posing as her husband.

Jillian quit college to support her husband and finance his MBA, now finds herself dumped and broke when he gets his assistant pregnant. Her sparkling twins have always been the center of her life and now she must get a job to support them since the court has not given her what she is due. I adored this quick read and can't wait to get further into the lives of these women. There are some really sweet moments mixed in with the catty wonderfulness that Brown always seems to capture. I just can't believe I have to wait until the installment which will be released soon. There are supposed to be four installments each year.

[Patty · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is fun type of "book" - actually it's been done before by the likes of Charles Dickens and other great authors. But they did their serial storytelling by sending in chapters to newspapers keeping their readers on the edge of their seats waiting for the next installment. This is how A Christmas Carol was initially published.

Totlandia tells the tale of an exclusive Moms and Tots playgroup where the children who get in ....have parents who want the best for them and are willing to go to any lengths to get what they think will provide their children with any advantage in what they think is a dog eat dog world. Even a playgroup for an infant.

The rules for joining are absurd. The mothers are absurd. The concept is absurd. The book is hysterical. It's short, biting and full of characters that you want to know more about. Book 1 introduces the main players, the hows and whys of The Pacific Heights Moms and Tots Club and of course, the children. There are 4 spots open for this year but 6 mothers vying for the places. So a Survivor-like contest is decided as a way to winnow out the two extra applicants.

Each of the women has a secret that will surely lead to her dismissal if found out so they do their best to keep them hidden as they and their children bond. The dialog is fun, the challenges faced are real and there are some laugh out loud moments. I don't think it took me two hours to read so it's a perfect light, funny tale to have handy when you have a little time and want to have something to read.

The only thing I did not understand at all, character wise was the one mother having a 14 month old child who had not started walking or talking and she had not had him tested. She doesn't go to a doctor until a yoga teacher suggests it. A yoga teacher? Would any mother in this day and age let a child get to 14 months without talking and walking and blindly ignore the lack of development? Not to mention no questioning of this by the father or family members? I thought this was really just out of touch. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But beyond this one complaint I really did enjoy this installment and I'm looking forward to starting the next.

[Mills · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reasonably good writing, but I just couldn't enjoy a book in which I hated virtually every character. Jillian I felt sorry for - cheating is pretty shitty, but it's especially shitty to cheat on the wife that gave everything up for you while she raises your young children, and leave her and said children with virtually nothing while you run off with someone else. So yeah, I felt sorry for her. I could understand Brady's desire to give his child 'everything he never had' (give me a break, he was never hard up) but the way he went about it was pretty disgusting. Stop thinking with your dick for once in your life. Just about everyone else was a stuck up, snobby, sanctimonious idiot. Barring Jade of course, who wasn't stuck up... but was a skank more interested in sex with Brady than in spending time with her kid. Some of these people made stabs at being sympathetic. Jade was all 'oh I love him but he doesn't love me'. Well sorry love, but as your child nearly died from your neglect, I don't care about your sob story. Then Lorna - 'oh I love my little boy more than anything and I need to ignore that he's autistic' - except she married her loving husband for his name and money and spends her entire life trying to get one up on her sister in law Bettina, so really, who cares? Speaking of Bettina, I'm fairly convinced she's a sociopath.

I just... prestige to me is meaningless BS, so every single one of these people came across as incredibly shallow and I just can't stand the shallow, any more than I can stand these women that think they're better than everyone else because they had a natural birth or they breast fed for 5 years or whatever else. It's like... get over yourself already. The characters in Totlandia: Onesies definitely need to get over themselves. Especially Bettina. Yes, especially her.

[Kimmel Tippets · Rating 4 out of 5]

I must say, right from the first page Totlandia made me laugh at some of the predicaments that mother’s are placed in when they are dealing with a one year old. As a mother of three, I could empathize with Lorna as she chased a diaper through the park and was forced to haggle with a spoiled four year old.
And on the other hand, I shed a few tears as Jillian’s world falls apart around her and she can barely hold the pieces together for her daughters.
The author did an amazing job at giving each character a distinct voice and their own trial that they are trying to overcome throughout the book. I don’t think I would ever want to join a playgroup so badly that I would force myself to give in to the demands that membership in the PHM&T club requires, but the author makes each characters reasoning completely understandable and believable. I found myself cheering them on and hoping they make the cut even though part of my mind was thinking how ridiculous it all was. But really, friendship and support for mother’s is a key part of keeping sane when you have little ones to take care of. I know from experience.
There was a bit more intimate moments then I had expected, but nothing that made me cringe and the language was kept pretty minimal which I appreciated. There’s nothing worse than having your book world shattered with an unpleasant word or scene.
My biggest complaint was that it was over too quickly. It’s only 107 pages, which goes rather quickly when you’re enjoying the world that you’re in. I would have loved to have been able to experience a few more gatherings before the initial cut, but as I understand it there will be three more ‘episodes’ to the Onesies year. I look forward to being able to continue with the drama that is the PHM&T club.

[Elizabeth Ray · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this story! Four parents are desperately trying to get into the exclusive Pacific Heights Mom and Tots Club to get their children started off to a good future. However, each of the parents have a secret that could keep them from getting into the club. Bettina leads the club and she has stringent rules- no working moms, no single parents, no scandals, or rule-breaking.

Jade has a scandalous past and is being paid by her ex-husband to play mommy to her son, Oliver, to keep him in the club. Lorna is Bettina's sister-in-law and they seem to be in competition. Lorna loves her son, but is worried that he is developing more slowly than the other babies. Jillian is mom to twin girls and her husband has a shocking confession that changes everything. Ally's story was most interesting to me. Her gay guy friend donated sperm to make her daughter, Zoe. He and his partner are Zoe's godparents, but for the purposes of the club, Ally acts like she's married to the sperm donor.

I loved getting to be inside each person's story. I loved how they were all different, but had some things in common- each wanted an exclusive spot and had something to hide! It was crazy and funny to read about the Mom and Tots Club events and how particular Bettina was about everything. The parents all want the best for their children and truly want to find friends, so they were likeable. I thought a book about wealthy, high-class parents fighting for exclusive spots would make me HATE the characters, but they were much more likeable than I expected.

I was surprised how short the story was, but it is free, and the sequels cost. It's actually a smart business move, because the story really ends with the reader wanting to buy the next book!

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll be honest - this was a recommendation from Amazon, and because it was free, I decided to give it a try. I read the description and as a veteran of The Mommy Wars (not the book, the real ones :)), I wasn't sure it would be for me. I will now happily admit that my instincts were wrong! I loved this book from start to finish, read it in a day, and have already purchased book 2 and book 3 because I can't wait to see what happens! It was funny, charming, and REAL.

I could identify with some aspects of each mom (yes, even Bettina) - and I loved that. Whether we admit it or not, moms (and dads) are competitive and we will sometimes do whatever it takes to give our kids the best in life. We feel guilty over things out of our control, we gloat a little inside when our kid does something better or sooner than another kid, and we want others to think our kids are as amazing and brilliant as we do. This could have taken place with any kind of parents' group, it could be my son's PTA (although thank God the membership requirements aren't as stringent or I'd never have made it to the front door!). It's not about the setting as much as it is about completely understanding why these characters have the feelings they do, whether it's leaking breast milk just as you walk into a meeting, agonizing over what to take for a snack to a soccer game (and it had better be organic!), or realizing that there are some things that are devastatingly out of your control and may redefine your role as a mom. Josie Brown has captured those feelings and moments so well, with honesty and humor, and I look forward to reading the next installments.

[Samantha March · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a copy of Totlandia: The Onesies in exchange for an honest review. I am a big fan of Josie Brown, so of course I was excited to break into her new novella series. I am also getting ready to start The Twosies here shortly, and can’t wait to pick back up! The Onesies introduces readers to the The Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club, which is the most exclusive children’s playgroup in San Fran. It has come time to select new members for the group, but not just everyone is considered. Only mothers are considered, no single parents will be looked at, and working moms…yeah right. But the six possible new members competing for the final four spots all hold some sort of secret that will ultimately break the rules of PHM&T…if they can survive the challenges and become a member!

Loved it! This is a short book with a lot of characters getting their own voice, but I didn’t feel rushed or confused or frustrated at any point. Brown does a slam-dunk job at writing a witty novella with a lot of heart, laughs, and WTF moments! I may not be a mother yet, but I was hooked from the beginning and I am so glad I have book # 2 ready to go in my Kindle, because the cliffhanger had me practically panting. 5 stars!

[Carrie Ardoin · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the world of Totlandia, AKA the Pacific Heights Mom & Tots Club, privileged children and their mommies can meet for playdates, parties, and much more. But don't be fooled, this is no easygoing mommy & me group--this club is near impossible to break into, and the president, Bettina, rules with an iron fist.

But even (or rather, especially) in this high-income, flashy world, everyone has a secret to keep. And knowing someone's secret could mean taking their spot in the club. After all, wouldn't YOU do whatever it takes to get your child a foot up in the world?

This was a fun, quick read that I liked a lot. There is a varied cast of characters, and all the parents and their children have different personalities and problems.

It's kind of like a soap opera, there's some drama and backstabbing but it's all done in a humorous way. For example, Brady Pierce, handsome and rich father to Oliver, has to pay his stripper ex to be a good mother and seal Oliver's place in the group because fathers aren't allowed. Imagine a room full of icy 30 something sanctimommies when a 22 year old ex stripper walks in the room.

The relationships between characters are complicated and juicy, and I know the story will only get better from here!

[Les · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lifestyles of the .01% It has been over a 1/4 of a century since I did 'playgroup' and certainly never at this level "The Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club is the most exclusive children's playgroup in all of San Francisco. But not everyone is PHM&TC material. For the city's ultra-competitive elite, the club's ten annual spots are the ultimate parenting prize."

We meet the 6 children competing for the four slots. Each parent has something to hide that will exclude them or their child. And the founder,
Bettina Connaught Cross, has her own set of baggage that turns her into a tyrant.

This is not a book about strong women or smart mommies; rather about lying, cheating and conniving to get the brass ring. It is about parents who think it is normal to send a 4 year old to ballet camp in St. Petersburg (Russia not Florida) and that sleeping with members of the committee will lock in their application.

And there are some streamy sections that might surprise the reader. But I want to find out how it all comes out.

I don't understand the low ratings for it being part of a series.

[Jennifer Ko · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first discovered Josie when I read "True Hollywood Lies" (which I could not put down). I'm not a mom but I picked up the Totlandia series because I love Josie's writing and Totlandia definitely does NOT disappoint. It's a good, fun read - the dialogue is entertaining and funny and the characters are relatable, most are likable, and all have a depth to them that is hard to accomplish in a page turner. I definitely find myself having favorites. For anyone worried about the reviews saying that the book ends without resolution, I completely disagree. There is resolution - as one mom does get cut. And there's a little teaser at the end of Book One which only makes me want to read Book Two that much more.

[Jasmin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Do not proceed if you either liked this book or cannot handle honesty and criticism.


This book tried so hard to be fun. But then it ended up being dumb.

Main characters are just a bunch of shallow socialites wanting to get in a "cool" baby club. Seriously? They are obsessed with getting in this "cool" club because it will open opportunities for their babies (which I bet are about to be majorly spoiled). That club ain't gonna do shit for their future if these parents are going to coddle their kids with Armani and whatever expensive brand clothes. Sure, they'll look good, but that's about that.

Also, there are so many characters, that the storyline shifts back and forth a little too much.

I do not recommend.

[Leslie Hayden · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the first installment of the book and will continue reading the second installment. I can't honestly say I wasn't disappointed in some of the characters, especially Bettina who is using her name and her clout to get what she wants and treat people like they're beneath her. It was sad to hear the news of Dante, however I think things will work out. As far as the "discretions" with Ally's husband, if this were real life I would have punched him myself and it wouldn't have been in his face. It only took me about three hours to read the first installment and hopefully I can find the other two.

[Christine Gossard · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is such a quick read. Even with a 9 month old, it took me about 4 hours. It's a story about ridiculously wealthy mom's in a prestigious mommy group. It makes you thankful for not being a crazy mom who will do anything to get your child to the top, including ridiculing, hazing and torturing other people, spending outrageous amounts of money on things a baby doesn't need and worrying about what other people think of you. It's a great indulgent story, and made me thankful to return to real life afterwards. I will probably read the whole series though, as the first book ends on a cliffhanger. :)

[Kathy · Rating 2 out of 5]

The story of an exclusive play group for kids ages one through five. Every year there are only ten spots to fill. In the onsies group, there are six hopefuls but only four spots. This year, the founders decided to have a series of challenges for the moms trying to get in. Every three months one will be dropped until the spots are filled. I might have given this book a "3" but for the fact that there is a cliff-hanger ending, thereby forcing you to buy the next book if you want to know what happened. I will not play that game. I got the first book free, and if offered, would take the 2nd. But I won't pay to read what was a not so great book in the first place.

[Dee Haddrill · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have no idea why I waited so long to read this book! Not having ever been a mother, I usually don't have much interest in books about babies, baby groups, etc, but I should have known better than to think I wouldn't like something written by Josie Brown (her Housewife Assassin series is one of my favourites).

Reading this book was like watching one of those trainwreck reality shows with insane mothers competing through their children. While the book was funny, my heart was breaking at how Jillian is being treated by her husband. Here's hoping that someone punches him really hard in the face some time soon :)