I Will Not Kill Myself, Olivia

by Danny Baker

First love never dies, but can depression bury it alive?

Like most young adults, Jimmy Wharton is trying to carve out a happy, successful life for himself. It’s hard enough to do under any circumstances, but when he starts suffering from depression, becoming the person he wants to be feels overwhelmingly unachievable, as his illness seems destined to shatter his world.

Olivia, Jimmy’s high school sweetheart and long-term girlfriend, initially tries to support him in every way she can. But as Jimmy spirals downwards, their relationship begins to break at the seams, and they are forced to face the devastating reality that as strong as they know their love is, the force of Jimmy’s depression could be even stronger.

Set against the backdrop of Sydney’s iconic Manly Beach, I Will Not Kill Myself, Olivia is a tale about the intoxicating, heartbreaking, unforgettable experience of first love; about all the mistakes we make on the road to adulthood; and about an illness that afflicts 350 million people worldwide.


You'll find this book appealing if ...


- You’re a fan of gritty, passionate love stories

- You want to relive the highs, the lows and the intoxicating rush that's unique to first love

- You're a young adult wanting to read about another young adult striving for the same things you are

- You're interested in understanding depression better; you suffer from depression yourself and you want to feel like you're not alone; or you want to see how you can better support a loved one with depression

- You're a parent of a young adult wanting to understand how easily your child can tumble into depression, and wanting to prepare yourself to be able to recognise the symptoms if they ever do (tragically, depression strikes about 20% of teens).


You're unlikely to enjoy this book if you ...


- Despise swearing;
- Are put off by explicit sex scenes;
- Are after a light-hearted story;


Editorial Reviews


"Centred around Jimmy and Olivia's heartfelt, passionate and troubled love, I WILL NOT KILL MYSELF, OLIVIA is a painfully honest, authentic and provocative novel ... one that presents a mesmerising portrayal of the all-consuming force of depression that dominates the main character ... one that takes the reader on a highly emotional journey ... and one that achieves a perfect balance of emotions, action and drama." The Columbia Review

"A modern day Romeo and Juliet - a powerful, heartwrenching story that takes you on an emotional rollercoaster ride as Jimmy and Olivia try to hang on desperately to love in the face of Jimmy's mounting depression." Nick Bleszynski, bestselling author.

"An explicitly realistic, absolutely intriguing and stunningly gritty novel ... one that snatches the reader's attention right from the start ... and one that provides fantastic food for thought for all young adults." Pacific Book Review

“A romance story that tugs at the heart, and entices readers with pure raw emotion … from steamy, unadulterated throws of passion to being tossed into the deepest, darkest depths of despair, Baker creates an immersive world for Jimmy and Olivia … you will feel their love, experience their torment, and empathize with their pain.” San Diego Book Review

"While the protagonist's story can help people with depression to face their own problems and help non-sufferers understand the illness, I WILL NOT KILL MYSELF, OLIVIA will also appeal to a much broader audience - including young adults, who can view typical young adult behaviour from a different perspective; and parents, who after reading this book, may choose to become more attentive to their children." Portland Book Review

"One of the most singularly powerful books about depression on the market." Midwest Book Review

Genres: Mental Health

349 pages, Paperback

First published May 27, 2015

About the author

I write books ... hopefully books that you not only enjoy, but ones that help you understand yourself, your circumstances or a social cause a little bit better. After all, isn't art at its most powerful when it not only entertains us, but when it also educates, elevates and inspires?

Reviews

[Janine · Rating 1 out of 5]

I honestly found this very hard going. The author seems to be writing with some personal experience of depression, so this part feels authentic enough, however I don't feel Olivia's character came through as anything more than two dimensional. Maybe the author struggled with his "woman's voice" or maybe it was intentional. Depression can be a very hollow condition and this is exactly how this book feels to me, hollow. As an educational tool it may help give non sufferers an insight, I could maybe recommend it for that purpose, but not as a book to read for self help or entertainment.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Depression is a life-threatening state of mind that can overcome a life and, ultimately, end it. Those struggling with depression know it's often like fog: always present on the horizon, just waiting to come in. Some days it's so thick you can barely see; other days, it lingers. Sometimes it's just a wisp in the background.

I Will Not Kill Myself, Olivia captures that experience and is one of the most singularly powerful book titles on depression on the market. What is to be found within its discussion is a treasure trove of heart-wrenching detail by a protagonist who daily struggles with suicide.

What it boils down to is: the writer is not a quitter. And that is the fine line of the fog bank: the piece that keeps everything from spilling over and coming apart.
Don't expect an easy read, here. Nothing is sugar-coated, whether it be language, emotional pain, or struggles with the impulse to die. The reader is 'there' with Danny Baker
through these struggles; so if reading about depression's angst is too much of an emotional tipping point, look elsewhere.

I Will Not Kill Myself, Olivia isn't about sweet sagas and happy endings. It is about how the suicidal person feels, their struggles, and why the balance tips from death to life like a seesaw. The energy is there - but what begins with an emotionally wrenching, dramatic scene is tempered by a move back in time in the next chapter, which describes an Australian city's seemingly-idyllic setting and the author's place in it.

Love, romance, growing up, a dead baby and a girl named Olivia enter into an account which dances around depression at first, then slowly presents it at a slow evolutionary pace. Before the reader knows it, depression is no longer a hint of fog but a haunting force overcoming life.

Throughout it all, emotions run high: again, this is not a suggestion for those seeking quick solutions and light reading.

It IS a pick for readers who would follow the intense progress of how depression develops, is perceived internally and externally, and, above all, how loss can lead to choosing hope.

[Ruthy lavin · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a sufferer of clinical depression myself, I found this book absolutely gripping and was hooked from page one.
It’s brutally honest, heart breaking and so relatable.
It highlights just how devastating and destructive depression can be.
A 4 star worthy book, I can’t wait to read the sequel, which I’ve just downloaded ready for tomorrow - Reading this one in one sitting has mentally drained me enough for one day! :)
The only reason I couldn’t award this a 5 star rating is because the sexual encounters are unnecessarily pornographic at times.

[Eric Kalnins · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sadly I was disappointed with this book after seeing positive reviews. Serious, and important, issues covered with a half decent story with some surprising turns of event. But I found the writing poor and laboured with some unnecessary repetition. I have purchased the sequel and will see if any improvement in the aspects I found difficult.

17.09

[Violet Raven · Rating 4 out of 5]

While this was a very well researched and expressed account of living with mental illness it was also raw and intense at times, I would recommend that for those currently living with a mental illness, or who find relationship issues triggering, to wait until in a stable place before reading.

For someone trying to understand mental illness from the outside it's a very good insight into personal experience, and I feel most people would be able to empathise both with the protagonist and his close friends and partner.

Trigger warning for explicit an sex scene.

[shonasbookshelf · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was so disappointed with this book! It has so many amazing reviews but I just didn't see its greatness.. I understand and appreciate you need background due to the nature of the book but in my opinion there is far too many irrelevant points throughout the book that don't add anything to the story. Also, the graphic sex scenes were a big no from me! There's no need for them and when picking up this book they were the last thing I expected.

[Faith Spinks · Rating 1 out of 5]

I got half way through this book before realising that it was not only not a helpful book to read, but it was actively unhelpful for me to read. Some of the descriptions were far too explicit. As someone who struggles with depression but who was doing well at the time, I found that this book just brought the darkness back. I gave up reading for my own wellbeing.

[Lex C · Rating 4 out of 5]

Truly in touch with reality

This book truly captures what it's like having a mental illness and how it can effect a relationship. Absolutely heart wrenching and vividly painful, so easily relatable to those who face similar circumstances.

[Tracy Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this

Loved this book and the characters were very real
I was totally gripped and read it in a day
Can’t wait to start the next part

[Andrew Galley · Rating 1 out of 5]

So a year ago I read and disliked this author’s collection of books on depression. My review, which you can read in full at http://tiny.cc/qneu9y, was largely critical of the author’s poor understanding of mental illness in spite of his acting that he’s an authority of it, to the point that he even included paragraphs from his book in a collection of inspirational quotes. It’s among the worst books that I have ever read and I wasn’t at all down when I realised that my copy had been incredibly damaged during my most recent move. Call me a sadhist because I saw this book free on Kindle Unlimited and thought to myself “maybe I should give his fiction a go, he put a lot of effort into drafting his previous (and subsequently cancelled) novel”. I read it and what do you know, more appalling writing.

Here’s the thing… if Mr. Baker wrote this as an exercise to combat his feelings of depression (his previous book saw him apply the medical diagnosis to literally any feeling of sadness) it’s perfectly commendable. However, and as I will always consider with every book I read, this is a product that he chose to sell which only cements that there should be a level of quality.

One thing I did try to do was separate the author from his book. Writers will often write what they know but their stories can be different from their own lives. I tried to see this as a book… then some of the exact same unclear wordings and undeniable parallels started to pop up. The book, in doing this, came across far more as wish-fulfilment than a story. Worse than that, based on the amount of stuff that is practically identical in both this and his non-fiction it’s like he’s just trying to write and sell the same book again, only this time being a technically fictional story. Laziness and opportunism of the highest order.

So much of this book comes across as a first draft where he hadn’t considered what he should and shouldn’t remove. Very early on in the book we learn about the narrator’s childhood and he mentions that he, along with his best friends, spent so much time at the beach learning about surfing safety. The very next paragraph details how they all wanted to surf and is written as if it’s new information. It’s little things like this that make me question how much of it was actually re-read before being submitted to publish. He falls into the trap of extending sentences with multiple uses of the word “and”. What’s funny is that there is a part of the book where the character gets criticised by a publisher for the quality of the book he is writing. Comments about clichés and poor writing? I’d like to think that the author was self-aware but considering his other writings I don’t think that is possible. This is a book where it conforms to every “successful personality falls from grace due to drugs & alcohol” stereotype, and even names a Spanish speaking drug dealer Pedro.

The author warns you that this isn’t a book for you if you don’t like swearing, depictions of sex, and dark subject matter. It’s good that he gave these warnings… I wish he’d gone a little bit further and added the word gratuitous to all of those however. I don’t know if the intention was to add these things to make the story seem more adult, but it’s far more like a child trying to act rebelliously. None of it comes across natural.

Take the swearing for example, I think that it can add a good amount of emphasis, or personality, to a story and its characters. Simply writing f#@k doesn’t do this. The sex scenes as well… I had to question what book I was reading. They seemed completely unnecessary and felt more like it was trying to take scenes from an 80’s Teen Romance film and add sex. It didn’t benefit the book. I’m no prude and think that sex once again can add to a story when done right. In this case you just hear the usual slang for private parts, lots of swearing, and stuff that sounds like it was ripped from a niche porn film. I won’t make any jokes about the author’s sexual history, but I will question what he based these interactions on because it was cringe-worthy to read.

Reading this I was reminded a lot of Say Anything, a charming 80’s film starring John Cusack with examinations on ambition and relationships during one’s forming years. Unlike Say Anything, which seemed to understand its characters and gave them genuine hurdles to overcome, this book just felt like it was picking the bits of modern culture it liked, transferring them over to itself, and expecting the same results.

Despite featuring depression, suicide and even abortion is subjects in the book they’re entirely shallow and feel like they’re not organic to the story. Not that each theme needed a thesis included into the book but when it touches on the theme of abortion it’s over and done with before you know it. There was opportunity here to examine what the character stood for: confronting his own beliefs (theological or otherwise) and coming to terms with the fact that issues like this aren’t black & white. The reason it doesn’t do this is simple: the characters in this book have no character to them. The protagonist is generic and aside from his love of surfing I gauged nothing from him. Scratch that… he’s pro-life. I learned that because he said specifically declares it but it goes nowhere in adding more layers to his character. Two-dimensional would be a compliment. The titular Olivia was a cliché. Think every film or TV show you’ve seen where a popular athlete falls for the modest bookworm and bingo, you’re already guessed (correctly) the dynamic. You know what, I want to apologise for the use of the word characters. This book does not produce characters, it just imitates film tropes.

What the author seems to be trying to say is that even people who have the best possible start to life can be hit with a setback which leads to their life spiralling down. This is not a new kind of story. Hitting the same beats of the same story over and over again is one thing, and bringing nothing else to it goes to show laziness of the highest order.

Suicide and Depression are very serious topics that need to be better represented in media. I speak as someone who has had various difficulties in coming to terms with my own mental health issues, exacerbated by people who claim to understand it and demonstrate an ignorance to it on closer inspection. I’ve said it in my previous review of this author’s work, and I’ll reiterate it here: this author’s understanding of Depression is flawed at the very least, and entirely misguided at worst. Stories like this that oversimplify the issue but seek to act as an authority of the subject just sets public perception of the issue further back. I guarantee that I’m no expert on depression myself despite the large amount of reading I’ve done on the subject. The difference between me and this author is simple: I’m not trying to get paid for my misunderstandings and he is.

So what did I do after reading this and disliking everything the author stands for? I checked out hiss ratings of other books seeing as he’s a GoodReads author. Maybe there is something in there that can point me to where he’s gone wrong in the same way that people will notice a pattern of Atheism and Depression in my own. One of his “reviews” is a 2-star review of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World which he declares to be brilliant, just not to his tastes. I don’t know about you but anything I’d give two stars is not something I would call brilliant. Maybe this author has a different rating system to me but if I can respect a book as brilliant (even if I didn’t like it) it’s not something to be ranked low.

I’m seeing this author for the bad writer he is in both books and articulating an opinion, and I won’t give him a pass due to his mental health… criticising his work and criticising him as a person are two different things. All of this reading and ranting has reinforced what I’ve known for a long while: just because you read and write books does not necessarily make you intelligent. You can write a book on a subject and even receive praise for it from certain corners, but maybe look at the praise critically. After all, there is a big difference between someone offering insight as to the particular reasons why your work is worthy of praise on a technical level, and people just saying “I liked/enjoyed it”.

Much like when I reviewed The Tattooist of Auschwitz I believe the praise for the author’s works is more of a commendation on the bravery to talk about the subject matter, and completely overshadowing the quality of the work itself. In any event, this is the last book of his I will ever put myself through the displeasure of reading. He could write another piece and win the Man Booker Prize; he could have this book adapted into an Oscar Winning film; he could personally pay me to read and review his books; I will not read another book by this author. He’s batting 0 out of 5 for me.

I implore anyone who has used this book, or any of his other books, as an indication of what depression is… please read any other book on the subject. When the protagonist in this book ends up writing about his friends being ignorant in thinking they understand what depression is when they in fact needed to do some more research, he should have broken the fourth wall and included the author himself. Reading these books as authorities on depression is damaging to your understanding of it.

[Gemma · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really struggled with this book. Over half way I almost gave up.
It was very hard to relate to any of the characters however I did feel Jimmys character was based on a personal experience. I felt it ironic that the feedback received from the guy checking over his novel, more or less mirrored how I felt about this book (first draft!)
There was hardly any talk or real mention of his parents or family members - of which in stories like this, the family surely has some relevance to his depression - whether positive or negative.
Jimmy having the notion of needing to "prove himselves to others" must have stemmed from somewhere in his childhood and coping mechanisms surrounding failing at things in life. Also, the 'talks' he had with himself bordered on schizophrenic rather than depressed/bipolar!
It is a good start for someone to read this who may have no experience in mental health at all, as some exposure with this debilitating condition is better than none at all.
However, these issues mentioned are reasons why I couldnt connect with this book.

[Alex Revay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jimmy narrates his experiences to the reader sort of like a diary, and they provide a complete description of his experience with depression. I came to sympathize with Jimmy and would read on hoping for things to work out for him.

The book provides a really honest account of what a depression sufferer goes through. Anyone who has suffered from depression will identify with aspects of the main character Jimmy, at the same time people who have no understanding of depression can read this book and get an insight into the issues it creates.

The likability of Jimmy, and my desire to see him succeed spurred me to read this book at a really rapid pace! I picked up this book on a Monday and by Tuesday I'd finished it. This book is a great read for everyone who has struggled with depression or seeks to learn more about it.

[Chrissy · Rating 2 out of 5]

The story follows the protagonist, Jimmy throughout his teenage and early adulthood years, focusing on his four year relationship with Olivia and the devastating effect mental illness has on that relationship. I really wanted to like this book as I have followed the author for a while and think the plot line has a lot of potential. Although written in first person, I had a lot of trouble identifying with the main character as I felt we didn't really delve into much below the surface of the character. Any attempts to identify what the character was feeling was rather cliché and discussed at face value only. Overall an honestly written (semi autobiographical?) story, but I would have liked to see the protagonist better describe the feelings/situations he was in.

[Frank Danieli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Danny Baker's breakthrough novel is a literary triumph, interweaving a captivating love story with the emotional anguish of a young person's battle with depression. Never have I read a book which so vividly portrayed the rollercoaster ride of young adulthood. And never before has a book gripped my soul the way Jimmy and Olivia's story has.

Baker's multi-dimensional writing brings the reality of depression to life in the way no other writer ever has. This book is by far one of the best books I have ever read.

[Janola · Rating 1 out of 5]

Pretty awful. I read for some insight on teen depression. Didn't get it. More like soft porn between moments of drunkenness, mania, a clueless doctor, and a poor explanation of depression overall.

[Carole · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't sure about this book at first, but I really enjoyed it.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it....got thoroughly immersed. Would recommend, but not for the feint hearted. I am a bit of a crier, and it certainly brought out a few tears!!

[Julie Prole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enlightening read on Addiction and Mental Illness

Having lost my Mother 9 years ago and my brother 2 years ago both to addiction to Alcohol,plus my daughter was self harming and suffers from extreme anxiety, this book has helped me understand the emotional turmoil they must have been going through. Thankyou Danny for bringing to light the irrational thoughts that fly around in their muddled minds.
I still haven't come to terms with their passing as I am consumed with guilt thinking I could have done more and been more understanding but like Olivia it's so hard being an emotionally involved outsider helpless watching their lives spiral out of control.
With regards to my Mum and Brother I'm glad they are at peace now. I consider myself lucky to have had apologies from them both through a medium. Many people may not believe,but that lady knew nothing about them or me before I met her and it helped tremendously.

[Melanie Hickman · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took a while to get into this book while it was building the background and a lot of the writing style and language used felt a bit teenage boyish for me.

However that said although written about a person with a totally different life to myself I found it so relateable in parts and as a person who has struggled with mental health issues reading a book where situations feel so familiar helps to understand what’s happening and makes it feel more ‘normal’.

I’m glad I read the book but I’m not sure I could’ve read it whilst feeling at my worst.

[Alex · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is quite a difficult book to review for any number of reasons... I suppose in the end it comes down, as with everything, to personal preference which in itself is predicated on our own personalities and experience.

To begin with, the story quite frankly alienated me instantly with its very hard to like protagonist Jimmy, a privileged narcissistic and self-absorbed teen with an enviable family and lifestyle. The long drawn out 'prologue' is just a bewildering paean to surfing (something I have no interest in) so it was a struggle to continue... None of the characters around Jimmy were fleshed out enough; they remained shadowy outlines right through to the end. Even Jimmy himself is not much more than a sketch; manically perfectionist and obsessed with 'winning' at life, he comes across as someone one would take pains to avoid at all costs.

Then the turning point occurs about a third of the way through: the sudden plunge into depression and the subsequent drug induced hypomania that follows wreaks havoc on his relationships and future plans. This is where the book excels - the horrible effects of mental illness are laid bare in a very Aussie, in your face depiction of pain, embarrassment and general misery that is at times hard to read. TBH It'd be pretty difficult to 'enjoy' Jimmy's journey into despair.

As an aside, other reviews have rightly pointed out the crudity of some of the prose. Personally I didn't find the explicit sexual exploits and constant swearing a hindrance; at any rate I believe it was necessary in order to highlight Jimmy's preoccupations and also the macho surfing social group he was part of.

Overall, a bit 'marmite' (love or loathe)...

[louise conquer · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book moved me to tears

At first i was unsure im a 53 year old woman with lifelong depression what could
I have in common with this lad jimmy.However many of his experiences mirrowed my own ,some in slightly different ways.In fact some were scaringly accurate.Ive had years of meds and therapy but i gained new insights into my experience s after reading this.Thank you for that.

[Carla Bull · Rating 1 out of 5]

If Tommy Wiseau wrote a book... it would probably be something like this. "YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, OLIVAAAAA!"

Actually, it would probably be miles better, because this book read like it was written by a 14 year old kid.

That made it unintentionally hilarious at points, but mostly forehead-smackingly awful.

It isn't an education in depression, it is just depressing.

[Elaine Skaljak · Rating 1 out of 5]

Didn't finish it.

I'm sorry for what the author went through but I didn't get far enough into the book to learn about it. Long and tedious descriptions about surfing competitions etc and I found the descriptions of sexual activity unnecessarily graphic. Couldn't be bothered to finish it.

[Mrs. S. Martin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Story isn't finished in this book

I really wanted to like this book, and there were bits that I enjoyed. Unfortunately overall, it was repetitive and the editing should have been more robust. Also the story was left hanging at the end of the book with no resolution at all. It should be labelled: Part 1.

[Amy Haynes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thought provoking

Couldn’t put this book down, so much compassion for the characters Jimmy and Liv. This book delves deep into self sabotaging mental health issues and really raises awareness. Relatable in many ways you fell every emotion with them!

[Caroline Aitchison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Book

Thoroughly enjoyed this book, found it hard to put down and read it over 2 days. Gives good insight to mental health and mental illness. If you have ever suffered from depression etc then you can relate to this book

[Julie Folland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant!!

This book had me gripped from the start. Honest, sad, thought provoking. A must read for anyone with a mental health problem, anyone supporting someone with a mental health problem and everybody else so they understand mental health and the stigma that comes with it.

[Stace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Worth the read

With mental health being so important but such a taboo subject still, books like this help give an insight and allow you to understand some of the pain of these illnesses.

[Carole McGinty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Totally honest

This book was a good hard look at life and a developing mental condition that is difficult to explain and about which there are lots of prejudices. It really helped me understand things with more clarity. We need more Olivia's in this world, God love her!

[Donna Howorth · Rating 1 out of 5]

Couldn't finish it .... tried twice and given up.