The Daughterhood: The Good, the Bad and the Guilty of Mother-Daughter Relationships

by Natasha Fennell, Róisín Ingle

A group of 40-something women explore the relationships each has with their mother, agreeing to improve those relationships before it's too late

When Natasha Fennell's mother was diagnosed with a progressive illness, she wasn't ready to do deal with the inevitability of what this would bring. Sitting outside the hospital after visiting one day, Natasha wondered how she would cope when her mother was gone. There started a panic and self-scrutiny. Had she been a good enough daughter? Would she have enough time to do all the things she wanted to do with her mother before she died? Natasha knew that she couldn't be the only one feeling this way. She began her research and quickly learned that other daughters had similar fears and had never spoken about them before. Love for their mothers, regret for opportunities missed, resentments and emotional complexities all bubbled to the surface. Through these conversations, a friendship blossomed with Róisín Ingle, popular columnist at the Irish Times. After a call out in Róisín's column, hundreds of responses poured in and there The Daughterhood was formed.

The Daughterhoodis the funny, poignant, and occasionally heart-breaking story of nine daughters coming together to talk about their mothers and the joy and despair that this relationship brings. Over a period of months they commit to completing various tasks all in the hope of improving their relationship with the most important woman in their lives - before she dies.

Genres: Nonfiction

300 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 26, 2015

Reviews

[Sue Lyle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was thoroughly engaged by the beautiful writing and the stories of the women in this book. The book exposes that mothers are not mythically what they are supposed to be and it engendered more compassion for my own mother and for myself as a mother of three. What I missed was any kind of analysis of why myths of motherhood exist, of how we are socialised into gender roles with huge moral burdens. There was a thread running through the book that seemed to see good mother-daughter relationships as morally correct, that saw women longing to be able to practice the virtues of the dutiful daughter and feeling so much guilt if they could not. What this book does is shatter any illusions we may hold that other people have the perfect mother-daughter relationships and that somehow it is our fault if we do not. What is not explored in this book is the societal expectation that daughters should carry the burdens of their ageing mothers and if they don't want to they should feel guilt and expect to be condemned. The women in this book seek greater empathy with their mothers and seek to act altruistically - how stereotypical an image of woman is that? Some long to have the caring and nurturing traits they don't feel and all commit to actively seek to be more responsive towards their mothers - 'before it's too late'.The popular imagination of a mythical good daughter clearly informs the thinking of the women in this book. I was drawn to all of them as they told their stories, and towards their absent mothers (apart from 2 mother stories at the end). They are women trying to do their best to meet personal and societal expectations. I'm not condemning them for this, but the book screams out for a feminist analysis. It needs to unpick how woman are culturally educated, trained, pressured and expected to be caring and nurturing whilst men by and large are not. We all have a moral duty towards our families and I am not decrying their wish to behave well, but I would have enjoyed the book so much more if it had a third part that applied a feminist critique.

[Tiffany · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the premise of the book which was to explore “Daughterhood” instead of the more conventional motherhood concept. Sadly the essays weren’t particularly interesting nor the advices insightful. It did inspire me to think about my own role as a daughter and how I could improve my sacred relationship with my mom!

[Steph Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

Worth reading. If nothing else it makes you think. In my case it. Made me really value my mother and appreciate her as a person. Not just a mum.

[Lesley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not as captivating as I thought it might be

[Testi_moni · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ich finde man hätte mehr aus dem Buch machen können, ich habe wenig Inspiration entdeckt für meine Mutter-Tochter Beziehung, was ich mir erhofft hatte, in dem Buch.

[Roxane McArdle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very interesting and insightful..I think every woman should read this...

[Margaret Mary Lynch · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book will strike a cord for many women. We women have all been daughters and some of us are also mothers. The mother daughter relationship is different for everyone but strangely many mothers and daughters, while having a deep love for each other, are not as close as they would wish to be. Something that is said or done by a mother can lead to irritation or misunderstanding. The same thing said or done in other company might easily be overlooked but if it is our mother, then is draws a comment or implied criticism that leads to more irritation or hurt. On the other hand daughters often feel judged by their mothers and guilty because they think they are a disappointment and so it continues down through generations of mothers and daughters. Why? That is the question many mothers and daughters often strive to answer.
Does this book answer that question? Well no, but it opens a very interesting discussion on the subject. There are many stories told of the good, bad & even very ugly relationships between some daughters and their aging mothers. I found myself jealous of those with good relationships, founded on open communication and mutual respect and I felt really sad for those who had very negative or toxic relationships with their mothers. The "motherwork" that each daughter undertook, did help some to see their mother as a more complete individual and improved their relationship, but for others the same tasks failed and just served to confirm their belief that they would never have a fulfilling relationship with their mother.
Overall a book worth reading but I did find it a little difficult to follow so many daughters stories and to distinguish between the two authors and their mothers stories at times.

[Christy · Rating 2 out of 5]

A good idea getting the 'daughters' together but I was left wondering is it all true? and in their defense, what would the mothers say?...most of the daughters issues were not that difficult to overcome - few deeper issues, these women did not seem in touch enough really about being an older woman and understanding only each other- I would have liked to have found some perspective of seeking understanding of the various circumstances in their childhood- this subject matter and the perception was a bit disappointing at best.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me a while to read. Partially because I was busy but also because it took a while to digest the information.
I liked that it wasn't your typical self help book on do this and do that style. It's more about stories of other ladies and their mother/daughter relationship.
Good to know that not everyone has the picture perfect relationship.