You Only Need One Kidney, so I Removed One of Mine and Made It Into My Butler; Also, My House Is Haunted by the Ghost of Blockbuster Video

by Douglas Hackle

Bro, do you even know what happens if you stand in front of a mirror and say “Blockbuster Video” exactly one million times?

No, bro?

Well, don’t feel bad, because neither did newly rich Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire, a man obsessed with becoming the inbred banjo boy from the movie Deliverance. That is, he didn’t know until he moved into the original “Dueling Banjoes” house in the blue hills of northern Georgia, a place indeed haunted by the ghost of Blockbuster Video, as murderous as he is obnoxious.

But with the support of his brand-new kidney butler—obviously, a kidney butler is a butler made from one’s own surgically removed kidney (bro, did you even know that?)—Tim can deal with the ghost and focus on learning how to play the goddang banjo.

Or can he?

Because Tim’s about to discover that money can’t buy everything—like, for example, the ability to pluck the ’jo like its nobody’s MOTHAFLIPPIN’ business.

Genres: Bizarro Fiction

152 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 19, 2026

About the author

Many moons ago, I abandoned academia after receiving a degree in English Literature. Nowadays, I write fiction when I'm not toiling away as a copywriter/copyeditor in the healthcare space.

Here are some nice things people have said about my work:

“Douglas Hackle is one of the best writers of bizarre, absurdist work out there.” – Charles Austin Muir

"The best bizarro absurdist in the business.” – Amy M. Vaughn

“He's consistently delivered some of the weirdest, wildest, most well-written fiction I've ever read.” – Arthur Graham

“The head honcho of the absurd, the governor of wackiness, the top dog of insanity…Intelligent and imbecilic, Douglas Hackle is one of the most unique voices in bizarro fiction.” – Zoltán Komor

“…a master of the short story.” – Rodney Gardner

“Hackle is a laugh-out-loud genius.” – Donald Armfield

“…one of bizarro fiction’s sharpest satirists.” – Bizarro Central

“…always hilarious, horrific, and brilliantly written entertainment. Highly recommended!” – Brian Boyer

“Douglas Hackle is an evil genius.” – Kevin J. Kennedy

“My mind is blown. Literally. It needs a new fuse…I have never read anything like this.” - Nikki Howard on Clown Tear Junkies

“When it comes to Mr. Hackle, you don’t have a shot in hell of predicting what’s going to happen, even if he’s just told you. […] You can’t know where the story will take you, what the characters will do and say, how it’s all going to shake down in the end, even one page before that end.” – Melodie Ladner

“Hackle isn’t afraid to get you clutching your seat with fear only to have you giggling in the next sentence, and vice versa.”– Ben Walker at Kendall Reviews

“Batshit craziness! […] I honestly think that if you’ve never read a bizarro book, this might be the one you should grab.” – Livius Nedin (former host of the Booked. podcast) on TERROR MANNEQUIN

“… Zoltergeist the Poltergeist is an absolutely superb piece of Bizarro horror – and as a result, a novel that should be considered an exemplar for the rest of the genre to follow and attempt to best.” – The Sci-Fi and Fantasy Reviewer

“This book is an absurdist masterclass, and it may be that the whole problem with the world is that there isn't enough of this kind of thing in it […] Did War and Peace or Crime and Punishment change my life? I don't really think so, to be honest; maybe slightly? Did this book change my life? I shit you not, it kind of did, actually.” – Dirk Wartman on Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!’

Reviews

[Paige Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

I almost forgot how awesome Douglas Hackle is but this book quickly reminded me that he is truly incomparable when it comes to absurd horror/bizarro fiction. He's also one of the only authors that actually makes me lose track of how much I laugh throughout reading. The shit he comes up with is unparalleled. I'm left in a constant state of wonder and utter fascination where I'm often left thinking about his work for several days upon finishing as well as having some pretty wild dreams at that! LOL.

In this story, we follow Tim. Tim just wants to be the inbred banjo boy from the movie Deliverance. After receiving a hefty inheritance from his "dead" uncle, Tim makes it his life mission to become the banjo boy. He gets plastic surgery, purchases the banjo from the movie, and even purchases the house from the movie. This house isn't just the deliverance house though, it's haunted by the malevolent spirit of Blockbuster Video. Meanwhile, Tim creates his own butler using one of his kidneys. It's okay though, you only need one to survive people.

Pure comedic satirical absurdism at it's most enjoyable.

[Michael Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a profound contribution to modern literature. Truly, this novella reshaped my understanding of humanity, morality, and stocked my brain with more nuggets of wisdom than I can feasibly add to this review. Here are just a few life changing lessons I walked away with:

✅ With the right mindset, you can accomplish absolutely anything. ANYTHING! Even if that means traveling to Antarctica to undergo extensive plastic surgery so you can resemble the inbred banjo kid from Deliverance. Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire teaches us that dreams do come true if you ignore everyone around you, shut out the naysayers, and find the right medical professional willing to abandon their oath.

✅ Beauty comes from within… even going on a date with a bog witch who resembles the bathtub lady from The Shining or embracing inbreeding as a lifestyle choice, this book reminds us not to judge. Love is love.

✅ We can all overcome fear. Some people fear spiders. Some fear death. But true courage is living in a haunted house possessed by the literal corporate entity of Blockbuster Video. Not a ghost employee. Not a dead manager. The actual concept of Blockbuster Video itself. “I ain’t afraid of no Ghost!” may genuinely be the most emotionally powerful line ever written.

✅ Anything is possible through hard work and determination. For example: surgically removing your own kidney and burying it until it sprouts into a loyal kidney-butler who addresses you exclusively as “Milord.” Honestly? The kidney-butler had more emotional depth than most literary supporting characters.

✅ Freedom of speech is important. Words can evolve. Language is fluid. Meaning changes over time. Apparently in this universe, “pedophile” can mean “awesome,” which is perhaps the single bravest editorial decision I’ve ever seen.

Now, excuse me while I take a bottle of Clom’s fentanyl-spiked, bath salts-salted, clown tear-infused moonshine out to my front porch and get friggin’ JRUNK!

[Wayne Fenlon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved every second of this absurd tale. What a blast. Found myself smiling all the way through and even bursting out laughing a few times.
What a brilliant departure from the stuff I usually read.
Go read this. Treat your mind. You'll feel all the better for it...
Five stars... Absolutely.

[Brian Bowyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Kaleidoscope of Marvels!

Beautifully bizarre. A treasure chest of wonders and absurdities. Easily one of my favorite books by Hackle or anyone else. Highly recommended!

[Ziggy Nixon · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Dude, how are we supposed to rate and review this book? It was just too totally out there!"
"Well, they do say that reviewers are blessed for their work, as all input is most holy and what not. Maybe build from there?"
"That's a thought. Maybe we can just do something by ripping off a bunch of quotes from the book?"
"Why not? I mean, it worked for our review of "The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack"! And this was pretty similar in that it was kind of like one of the President's rambling speeches and bizarro as someone drunkenly [stumbling] around town dressed as a sad clown while holding a fistful of maggots and worms."
"Hm, you're right. Man, I'm glad we outgrew that phase, huh?"
"Yeah. It also helped that we cut way down on our consumption of homemade, clown tear-infused, fentanyl-spiked, bath salts-salted moonshine."
"Damn straight!"
"But one quick question: do you think the author ever realized that the banjo playin' dude from Deliverance was not actually the one playing the banjo in that movie?"
"What do you mean?"
"Look, this is a direct quote from Reddit so you know it's like the fuckin' gospel truth: 'The actor Billy Redden who starred as the boy in Deliverance couldnt play the banjo, so local musician Mike Addis was used as a hand double for the playing scenes.'"
"You're shittin' me!"
"No joke! Look at this picture if we can figure out how to post it on goodreads:
"Hunh. Yeah alright. But you still can't get past the fact that this is an absolute bizarre amalgamation of fiction that blends absurdism, surrealism, horror, humor, and ridiculousness now can you? I mean, even the author has to admit to that!"
"Don't worry about it. It’s all pedophile as hell!”
"What? Are you insane?"
"No worries, it just means "awesome", you know like a word originally used for a decidedly negative thing taking on a positive alternative meaning. We saw the same thing with “sick,” “killer,” “wicked,” “nasty,” etc." Or at least that's what our protagonist - ha ha, what bullshit - Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire is fine tells us."
"Dude, you're starting to worry me!"
"Worry you? Look, I'm not the one writing a review like I'm an absolute schizoid talking to himself! Just look in the damn mirror!"
"Urgh, after dealing with the Ghost of Blockbuster Video, not to mention rehashing all those memories of my unhappy childhood, miserable adolescence, and depressing early adulthood, I really want to avoid mirrors. Plus, I'm ugly as hell."
"True that. I mean, we were warned that that house yer goin’ to, there’s…there’s somethin’ in there and there was the ghost itself!"
"Anyway, not that I give a cockroach’s swingin’ smurf-blue nutsack about rich people, it is pretty impressive that Tim wound up inheriting all that money like that."
"Indeed."
"Indeed? Who the fuck says indeed anymore? What, is this like 1872 or something?"
"Sorry, man, I don't know what came over me. I think it's all this legitimately wanting to be inbred, backward, and rurally dirt poor!"
"Whoa. Let's not romanticize, fetishize, or otherwise contribute to the perpetuation of harmful stereotypes. No matter if they are totally accurate for Georgia!"
"Yeah, okay. But again to the whole banjo thing. I mean Tim hadn't even attempted to play an instrument before. So why was he so surprised that even after two years of study at Julliard - very well known for their banjo-focused curriculum mind you - that he still couldn’t play the banjo (or the kazoo, for that matter) to save [his] little, ghost-white, plastic surgery-shrunken butt?"
"Look man, I don't know. Next thing you'll be asking me to explain is either the on-going success of Peng’s Golden Wok or how anyone came up with a name - for a metal band no less - of "Gage Creed (*Before* He Gets Run Over By That Semi Truck)".
"Do you think anyone got the "Pet Sematary" reference without having it explained like it was?"
"I dunno man. I thought that book kind of sucked anyway so, fuck 'em and their great-great-great-great meemaw’s menopause."
"Damn man, we might need to start drawing this to a close because all that really freaked me out. I mean, I know we wanted - nay, needed - the whole Devil at the crossroads - was it crossroads or a crosswalk? - but that was truly fucked up."
"Froo-flap, klin-klonk, voom-yar-gat, glake-blarg, kleck-glack, frelk-spleck…"
"Dude, are you having a stroke?"
"No, but let's finish up, okay?"
"Right. So even with a few very bizarre typos included - I imagine things could’ve gone much worse - this was a lot of fun in a wowzers I really got to turn off my brain completely for a few hours kind of way!"
"Yeah, man! I mean, who cares if you spelled it "Kidney Bulter" or "AUTHETIC!" at critical moments, it's the thought that counts!"
"You're absolutely spot on there my alter-ego! Like, who makes up these fucking rules?"
"No clue, dude. Needless to say, the whole thing was off fleek as heck."
"Right on. Even the pages that seemed like weird lists turned into text or the odd reflections about giving kids weird names. Am I right?"
"Groovy. And I bet you can squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee!"
"Stay away from me you freak…"
"Indeed…"

[Darren · Rating 4 out of 5]

TITLE: You Only Need One Kidney, so I Removed One of Mine and Made It Into My Butler; Also, My House Is Haunted by the Ghost of Blockbuster Video.

AUTHOR: Douglas Hackle

GENRE: Comedy/horror

PAGES: 140

FORMAT: Ebook

PRICE:

Hey there, book lovers! It’s your old pal, Ninetoes, coming to you from Ninetoes Loves Books Headquarters. Today, I am looking at Douglas Hackle’s newest book: You Only Need One Kidney, so I Removed One of Mine and Made It Into My Butler; Also, My House Is Haunted by the Ghost of Blockbuster Video. Yeah, that is the actual title, I’m not kidding… I have coffee in my system and my thinking cap on, so let’s get to it!

The first part of the title, “You only need one kidney…” caught my attention. I have been living off of one for 54 years now. That being said, I decided to give it a shot. It sounds like a “Comedy of Errors” style of book with a horror twist. I was down for it.

The main character has a fascination with the “Banjo boy of the Deliverance movie”, and has had this fascination since he was a kid. He WANTS to be the Banjo boy. After he inherits an obscene amount of money, he gets plastic surgery done, buys a banjo, and, as luck would have it, the house/gas station that was part of the movie is for sale, so he buys it. Everyone has a dream, right? He settles down in the house, only to find it is haunted by the ENTIRE Blockbuster Video franchise.

That is the setup.

What we get with this book is a bunch of silliness, and at times, it makes absolutely no sense, mixed with a touch of horror. I will admit there were times I was wondering just what the hell I was reading. Some of the names alone required some mental gymnastics (the author has a love of the letter “Z”). The kidney butler added some flavor in regard to his relationship to the main character. The ghost of Blockbuster was another mental exercise. How does an entire franchise haunt a place? Not a former employee who decided to off himself in the house, the entire damn franchise!

There is one part that tickled me, and that was when the ghost of Blockbuster asked the hero if he could arrange a playdate with the ghosts of the five inbred serial killers next door (all of whom have names that begin with…you guessed it…the letter “Z”) and the resulting temper tantrum that came after.

Personally, I could have done without the hero’s need to get wasted on moonshine and bath salts all the time.

The pace of the book was consistent. This book can easily be finished in one sitting. Sure, the characters take a bit getting used to, but as I got into it, the book reminded me of an old Jerry Lewis movie.

If you like absurd silliness mixed with horror and ghosts, then this book is for you!

Until the next time, I bid you happy reading!

[Tyler Downs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Douglas Hackle is truly one of a kind. I think the closest comparison I can make would be a more morbid, highly intoxicated Douglas Adams. Or maybe if Jason Pargin had a weird twin brother who was addicted to bath salts.

Doug’s recent book tells the story of Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire. Tim’s just an average guy who’s obsessed with the idea of making himself into a living replica of that creepy lil’ inbred banjo boy from the movie Deliverance, and when he receives a sizable inheritance from his dead uncle, he does what any normal person would do. He buys the original banjo used in the movie, flies to Antarctica to get worked on by an exiled Bulgarian plastic surgeon, moves into the “Dueling Banjoes” house down in Creecraw, Georgia that’s haunted by the ghost of Blockbuster Video (yes, the entire franchise), and then grows a lovable butler named Vermiculus using the kidney he cut out of his body and buried in the dirt behind a Chinese takeout restaurant that may or may not actually serve food.

I think the synopsis speaks for itself, and that’s only the first handful of chapters.

This book is absurd horror comedy satire on steroids. It’s wildly creative and fresh. It’s clever as hell. I very rarely laugh while reading, and I think I laughed out loud a few times each chapter. For a story this shamelessly bizarre and over-the-top, the writing has no business being as good as it is, and despite the insane cast of characters, they all felt real and lived in. And there’s a morbid nihilism lurking in the humor that I personally love.

I can’t say this is a book I’d recommend to everyone? There’s certainly a crowd that might not “get it”. But if this sounds up your alley at all, I’m confident you’ll love it and have a blast reading it, just like I did.

One day, I’d be incredibly curious to see what Douglas could do with a slightly more straight-forward story, solely because he’s such a skilled writer (in my humble opinion). But until then? I’ll gladly read whatever Mr. Hackle serves up.

[TreeFlower · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire has but one dream in life and when he comes into an inherited large sum of money he decides to pursue that dream. He’s going to become the ACTUAL Banjo Boy from the movie Deliverance. He has to buy the banjo, learn to PLAY the banjo, get extensive amounts of plastic surgery, and buy the house from the movie, which JUST SO HAPPENS to be haunted by the ghost of blockbuster video. But things aren’t as easy as they seem. The people in town don’t seem to like Tim, he can’t get the hang of the banjo, he can’t make any friends, or manage to get ANY Chinese food. Failed attempts at playing in a band, porch thieving, and dating bog witches has Tim stuck in a rut and all he can do is hang out with his best friend. Who happens to be his kidney and his butler. Can Tim become the Banjo Boy at this rate or will he try to make a deal with the devil to make it happen?

This book was hilarious. It’s like an episode of Family Guy or South Park but more bizarre and way funnier. When Tim first encountered the ghost of Blockbuster video and told his realtor about it I laughed until I cried. I called my husband and read it to him and laughed until I cried again. I kept thinking the story couldn’t get more outlandish but I was wrong each time I had the thought. 😄

If you’re offended easy maybe don’t read this book but if you like off the wall stories that keep you chuckling then this is definitely the book for you. I also recommend Zoltergeist the Poltergeist which was my 1st book by this author.

[Zane · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are books that make you laugh.
There are books that make you question reality.
And then there are books like this one that somehow make you do both while quietly sneaking in something… oddly wholesome.

You Only Need One Kidney, So I Remember is absurd in the best possible way. A haunted house, a banjo obsession, a ghost with personality problems, and yes a kidney butler (which I never thought I’d say in a sentence)… and yet, underneath all the chaos, there’s something unexpectedly human about it.

Tim Carmichael Wellingtonshire is ridiculous, but he’s also strangely relatable. Beneath the over the top humor and bizarre situations is a guy trying to prove something to himself, to the world, maybe even to the ghost haunting him. And somewhere between the laughs, you start rooting for him in a way that feels… kind of sweet.

What surprised me most is how this book balances unhinged comedy with moments that feel almost heartfelt. It’s like watching someone stumble through madness and still come out with a tiny spark of growth (and maybe a slightly better banjo rhythm).

This book won’t be for everyone but if you love weird, bold, unapologetically chaotic storytelling with a hidden soft side, this one hits.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
A wild ride with a strangely warm heart.

[Kimberly N · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a copy of the ebook from the author as an ARC.

This book is another WTAF did I just read from Douglas Hackle. The horror comedy in this one is gold. I laughed multiple times. The pop culture references were on par. This book is zany and absurd in an absolute wonderful way.

We follow a man on his journey to become the Deliverance Banjo Boy. It's his dream. Quite the dream it is MY TINY LITTLE SONS! The characters in this one are well written and the conversations are amusing. If you are into bizarro horror, I cannot recommend Douglas Hackle enough. This is another one high on my list of the weird.

[Bray Mattheson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This novel was my first glimpse into Hackle’s wild, wobbly, and completely unhinged world, and it’s blown the lid clean off a can of live, screaming bloodworms I won't be forgetting anytime soon. How could I? I’m gripping a fistful of them right now, slick and writhing, flagging down traffic on the highway like some deranged fisherman while I hammer this review out.

[Matthew Clarke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Douglas Hackle has knocked it out of the park with this one. If you're familiar with his work, you won't be at all disappointed. Not many people would be able to take a human kidney and the ghost of blockbuster and turn them into believable, fleshed out characters. I laughed out loud several times while reading this, and that very rarely happens! Highly recommend this one ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

[Ren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I always have so much fun with Douglas Hackle books!! How did I find myself caring so much for a butler made out of a kidney? Why do I wish MY house was haunted by the ghost of Blockbuster video? Am I more or less afraid of menopause now? FIND OUT BY READING THIS GEM, MY TINY LITTLE SONS!!!

[Christopher Dahman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This novella might be the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read, but I had a blast reading it. Horror satire at its finest and had me laughing.

[Jessica Garcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

😂

[Trish · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a public service announcement .a review follows that will make absolutely no sense unless you enter the bizarro world of the High Priest of the Genre, Douglas Hackle.

I warned you! Still here? Right, here goes…

Tim has only one ambition in life, to become the Deliverance banjo boy. One sizeable inheritance and an Antarctic plastic surgeon later, he is the picture perfect image of the inbred character from the 1972 movie, although not being able to change his DNA, an understandable disappointment.

Moving to Creecraw to live in the ramshackle cabin from the film, a natural choice, but this is a dwelling that no one dare venture because ‘there’s…there’s something in there’ - the goddam ghost of Blockbuster Video, a blue and white logo that will kill those who summon him.

With only one place to order’Chinese food, his nearest neighbours the ghosts of murderous quintuplets, his kidney butler, local bog-witch, a rock band that should have ‘after’ rather than ‘before’ in their name, but an infinite supply of clown-tear bath salts to get JRUNK on, Tim has everything he needs to complete his transformation, with one exception - talent. And three of his great-great-great-great-grandmothers refuse to be exhumed to give him their menopause to make a deal with the devil for talent. So much for family!

It’s been too long since my last Hackle-Cackle, the strange noise that involuntarily erupts from me when I read anything by Douglas Hackle. The finely tuned repetition, the plot set ups you anticipate that turn into something totally different, the fascination with the letter Z.

If you liked the works of Douglas Adams, you will love Douglas Hackle!

Go on, try it. I’ll say a bead for you.

[Arthur Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't always read books about kidney butlers, banjo boys, and ghosts of long-dead video rental franchises, but when I do, I read Douglas Hackle, if for no other reason than because no one, and I mean NO ONE else writes books like this, books so batshit there's no way they could possibly work, and yet they do.

And so, in lieu of writing a proper review, instead I'll refer you to the passages I've quoted in my status updates below, and if you don't like it, well, you can CREECRAW MY SLEESLAW ON A SEESAW, ya buncha friggin' off-fleek, poor, dirty, uneducated, backward, inbred, moonshinin’, square-dancin’, dusty-hatted, fiddle-sawin’, washboard-scrapin’, cousin-marryin’, siblin’-diddlin’, pig-fuckin’, deformed, teeth-missin’, Deliverance-lookin’, banjo-stringin’, banjo-pluckin’, banjo-strummin’, banjo-fuckin’ HILLJACKIN’ HILLBILLIES!!!!!!!