You Only Need One Kidney, so I Removed One of Mine and Made It Into My Butler; Also, My House Is Haunted by the Ghost of Blockbuster Video

by Douglas Hackle

Bro, do you even know what happens if you stand in front of a mirror and say “Blockbuster Video” exactly one million times?

No, bro?

Well, don’t feel bad, because neither did newly rich Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire, a man obsessed with becoming the inbred banjo boy from the movie Deliverance. That is, he didn’t know until he moved into the original “Dueling Banjoes” house in the blue hills of northern Georgia, a place indeed haunted by the ghost of Blockbuster Video, as murderous as he is obnoxious.

But with the support of his brand-new kidney butler—obviously, a kidney butler is a butler made from one’s own surgically removed kidney (bro, did you even know that?)—Tim can deal with the ghost and focus on learning how to play the goddang banjo.

Or can he?

Because Tim’s about to discover that money can’t buy everything—like, for example, the ability to pluck the ’jo like its nobody’s MOTHAFLIPPIN’ business.

Genres: Humor, Bizarro Fiction, Horror

152 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 19, 2026

About the author

Many moons ago, I abandoned academia after receiving a degree in English Literature. Nowadays, I write fiction when I'm not toiling away as a copywriter/copyeditor in the healthcare space.

Here are some nice things people have said about my work:

“Douglas Hackle is one of the best writers of bizarre, absurdist work out there.” – Charles Austin Muir

"The best bizarro absurdist in the business.” – Amy M. Vaughn

“He's consistently delivered some of the weirdest, wildest, most well-written fiction I've ever read.” – Arthur Graham

“The head honcho of the absurd, the governor of wackiness, the top dog of insanity…Intelligent and imbecilic, Douglas Hackle is one of the most unique voices in bizarro fiction.” – Zoltán Komor

“…a master of the short story.” – Rodney Gardner

“Hackle is a laugh-out-loud genius.” – Donald Armfield

“…one of bizarro fiction’s sharpest satirists.” – Bizarro Central

“…always hilarious, horrific, and brilliantly written entertainment. Highly recommended!” – Brian Boyer

“Douglas Hackle is an evil genius.” – Kevin J. Kennedy

“My mind is blown. Literally. It needs a new fuse…I have never read anything like this.” - Nikki Howard on Clown Tear Junkies

“When it comes to Mr. Hackle, you don’t have a shot in hell of predicting what’s going to happen, even if he’s just told you. […] You can’t know where the story will take you, what the characters will do and say, how it’s all going to shake down in the end, even one page before that end.” – Melodie Ladner

“Hackle isn’t afraid to get you clutching your seat with fear only to have you giggling in the next sentence, and vice versa.”– Ben Walker at Kendall Reviews

“Batshit craziness! […] I honestly think that if you’ve never read a bizarro book, this might be the one you should grab.” – Livius Nedin (former host of the Booked. podcast) on TERROR MANNEQUIN

“… Zoltergeist the Poltergeist is an absolutely superb piece of Bizarro horror – and as a result, a novel that should be considered an exemplar for the rest of the genre to follow and attempt to best.” – The Sci-Fi and Fantasy Reviewer

“This book is an absurdist masterclass, and it may be that the whole problem with the world is that there isn't enough of this kind of thing in it […] Did War and Peace or Crime and Punishment change my life? I don't really think so, to be honest; maybe slightly? Did this book change my life? I shit you not, it kind of did, actually.” – Dirk Wartman on Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!’

Reviews

[Christian Z]

F***in Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire. Can you believe that? Like that was the dude's actual name. Not his nickname-his actual Christian name. The F***in author named him that. What kind of author names their character Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire?

"You Only Need One Kidney, so I Removed One of Mine and Made It Into My Butler; Also, My House Is Haunted by the Ghost of Blockbuster Video" is a ridiculously absurd book that tells the story of a man with a lifelong dream to become the Deliverance banjo boy. Fortunately for him, he comes into a large inheritance that allows him the means to pursue his dream. Unfortunately for him, he has invincible ignorance when it comes to learning to play the banjo or any other musical instrument for that matter.

This book will make you laugh out loud, scratch your head, and wonder which DSM diagnosis best describes Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire. As he acclimates himself to a new life in North Georgia with his kidney butler Vermiculus and the Ghost of Blockbuster Video in tow, our hero strives to inspire others with his stubborn goal of becoming the closest version of the Deliverance banjo boy he can muster.

Four bizarro stars.

[Michael Stone]

What a profound contribution to modern literature. Truly, this novella reshaped my understanding of humanity, morality, and stocked my brain with more nuggets of wisdom than I can feasibly add to this review. Here are just a few life changing lessons I walked away with:

✅ With the right mindset, you can accomplish absolutely anything. ANYTHING! Even if that means traveling to Antarctica to undergo extensive plastic surgery so you can resemble the inbred banjo kid from Deliverance. Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire teaches us that dreams do come true if you ignore everyone around you, shut out the naysayers, and find the right medical professional willing to abandon their oath.

✅ Beauty comes from within… even going on a date with a bog witch who resembles the bathtub lady from The Shining or embracing inbreeding as a lifestyle choice, this book reminds us not to judge. Love is love.

✅ We can all overcome fear. Some people fear spiders. Some fear death. But true courage is living in a haunted house possessed by the literal corporate entity of Blockbuster Video. Not a ghost employee. Not a dead manager. The actual concept of Blockbuster Video itself. “I ain’t afraid of no Ghost!” may genuinely be the most emotionally powerful line ever written.

✅ Anything is possible through hard work and determination. For example: surgically removing your own kidney and burying it until it sprouts into a loyal kidney-butler who addresses you exclusively as “Milord.” Honestly? The kidney-butler had more emotional depth than most literary supporting characters.

✅ Freedom of speech is important. Words can evolve. Language is fluid. Meaning changes over time. Apparently in this universe, “pedophile” can mean “awesome,” which is perhaps the single bravest editorial decision I’ve ever seen.

Now, excuse me while I take a bottle of Clom’s fentanyl-spiked, bath salts-salted, clown tear-infused moonshine out to my front porch and get friggin’ JRUNK!

[Paige Ray]

I almost forgot how awesome Douglas Hackle is but this book quickly reminded me that he is truly incomparable when it comes to absurd horror/bizarro fiction. He's also one of the only authors that actually makes me lose track of how much I laugh throughout reading. The shit he comes up with is unparalleled. I'm left in a constant state of wonder and utter fascination where I'm often left thinking about his work for several days upon finishing as well as having some pretty wild dreams at that! LOL.

In this story, we follow Tim. Tim just wants to be the inbred banjo boy from the movie Deliverance. After receiving a hefty inheritance from his "dead" uncle, Tim makes it his life mission to become the banjo boy. He gets plastic surgery, purchases the banjo from the movie, and even purchases the house from the movie. This house isn't just the deliverance house though, it's haunted by the malevolent spirit of Blockbuster Video. Meanwhile, Tim creates his own butler using one of his kidneys. It's okay though, you only need one to survive people.

Pure comedic satirical absurdism at it's most enjoyable.

[Danger]

Another hilarious read from a writer with a truly original and idiosyncratic voice. The thing that always strikes me about Hackle's books, beyond their over-the-top premises, is just how internally consistent they are to their own insane logic, and the undercurrents of frustration and alienation that seem to fuel the story. This is not just randomness. It is a carefully constructed fever dream. It's why I keep coming back, book after book. As far as absurdist fiction goes, I consider Hackle one of the greats.

[The_5ft_reader]

What a fantastic, fun absolutely absurd piece of work this book is, the more I read the more bizarre it became! It's definitely one of my top reads this year

[Wayne Fenlon]

Loved every second of this absurd tale. What a blast. Found myself smiling all the way through and even bursting out laughing a few times.
What a brilliant departure from the stuff I usually read.
Go read this. Treat your mind. You'll feel all the better for it...
Five stars... Absolutely.

[Liz Beverly]

I mean this with the utmost respect, but, what the hell did I just read. If chaotic and absurd is a book genre, I need more of it. This was thoroughly entertaining. It was like talking to my brother, who I find to be the funniest dude on the planet.

[Brian Bowyer]

A Kaleidoscope of Marvels!

Beautifully bizarre. A treasure chest of wonders and absurdities. Easily one of my favorite books by Hackle or anyone else. Highly recommended!

[Matt]

I’m honestly not sure what I read, but I know it definitely entertained me. I laughed, gasped, and scratched my head several times. I also devoured this book. I’ll definitely be checking out more from this author.

[Ren]

I always have so much fun with Douglas Hackle books!! How did I find myself caring so much for a butler made out of a kidney? Why do I wish MY house was haunted by the ghost of Blockbuster video? Am I more or less afraid of menopause now? FIND OUT BY READING THIS GEM, MY TINY LITTLE SONS!!!

[Maggie Rogers]

You know how songs will have long funny titles, and then when you listen to them, they are actually really sad? This book was nothing like that!

I've never laughed out loud so much at a book before. I felt like an idiot. Every page of this book was so funny. It was absurd. It was hilarious. I'll be thinking about it for a long time.

I loved Vermiculus even more than I love my own kidneys. He was so sweet. I want a kidney butler.

This book was a blast. If you want something dumb that you can read quickly and have fun with, this is it. I wish I was still reading it. Go buy this book, my tiny little sons.

[Madison Evans]

I kept seeing this in book groups im in and the title alone sold me. This book was like Mad Libs, but on heavy drugs. 😂 Ive been going through a lot lately and this crazy book gave me some laughs I so needed. Like laugh out loud laughs. It kind of lost me with the zombie, vampire, werewolf short stories towards the end lol, but overall if you need a break from your normal horror books or the horrors of your life this was a goofy ass quick and fun read. I mean what a trip lol.

[Holly]

This is probably the best thing I've read this year, this decade even. I've never seen the movie Deliverance, and I thought that might hinder my enjoyment, but it turned out to be fine. Such a rad book. I'll forever say JRONK now. Excuse me while I go read the entire rest of Douglas Hackle's catalog.

[Brookelen Mercedes]

This was by far the most fucked up book I have ever read but I thouroughly enjoyed it 😂. This book is proof that anyone can do anything they set their mind too because wtf?!?!?!

[Monika Porter]

My review on this book contains mild spoilers, if you like that sort of thing: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
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Whoever told me to read this, thank you so much, you are so sick, if I do say so myself! I already want to go back and restart it and can’t stop talking about it. You Only Need One Kidney, so I Removed One of Mine and Made It Into My Butler; Also, My House Is Haunted by the Ghost of Blockbuster Video is unbelievably ridiculous, bizarre, silly, flabbergasting, mind-blowing, and wacky. I fucking love this story so much. I really needed those laughs, giggles, hahas, lols, chuckles, snickers, cackles, chortles, guffaws, and last but certainly not least, the hardy har hars. I was all around chortling the whole time. Literally so smitten with this book. I swear, whoever recommended this to me, you are so p*******e and I KNOW you know what I’m talking about, right, my tiny little son?! I the opposite of hate this book. ONE MILLION STARS JUST FOR YOU VERMICULUS! Also. RIP Megan-Megan-Megan, you didn’t deserve to die and I’ll NEVER forgive the author for killing you off.

[Seren Gomez]

Did I just experience a fever dream?

I have absolutely no idea what I just read, and I have several questions—none of which I actually want answered. Completely fucking unhinged, wildly bizarre, and somehow exactly the kind of nonsense I didn't know I needed. I came for the literature, I stayed for purely unhinged plot. I fear I may never be the same person again. 5 stars purely for the kidney butler. 😂

[Andrea]

I’d never even heard of “absurdist horror” until this book, let alone read any but this will not be last one I read. From the first page I had that “what am I even reading?” feeling but grinned and laughed all the way through. I have no idea how this author came up with everything in this story but I really, really enjoyed it!

[Tucker Cox]

wtf did i just read and why did i love it so much?

a mescaline riddled hunter s thompson couldn't have dreamt up what Hackle conceived in this book.

he needs help.

[Dex]

This was the most absurd and hilarious book I’ve ever read.

[Kim Layman]

This was ridiculous…absolutely ridiculous….and I loved every minute of it.

All Tim Carmichael-Wellingtonshire has ever wanted was to become the inbred banjo player from the movie, Deliverance. That’s it. And lucky for him, some unknown relative has left him a significant inheritance, which will now enable him to fulfill his dream. And oh, boy, does he dive in headfirst.

He’s now the proud owner of the original Deliverance house, complete with its own ghost. And what better way to complete his home than with a butler made from his own kidney. Vermiculus is now his go-to guy for all his errands, including a trip to the local Chinese restaurant, that takes your order but never gives food in return.

And what else does Tim need to complete his transformation? Why killer banjo skills! Can he learn? Who knows. But he’s sure going to give it a go.

And I could continue to lay out the crazy plot for you, but that would spoil the fun. I will say that I laughed quite a few times following Tim on his journey to fulfilling his dreams. Just when you think it couldn’t get weirder, it does. And I was here for it

And the ending? May as well have been a curse, although Tim would say it was a blessing.

You guys seriously need to read this book. It was so much fun, and I loved every second of it.

A huge thank you to the author for my copy of his book. My opinion is my own.

[Rhiannon Vaughan]

This book was utterly ridiculous, and I absolutely loved it. I added this book to my TBR solely due to the title in the style of an early 2000s alt rock/emo song. Then after reading reviews from some self proclaimed indie horror authors (just kidding, they’re some of my faves) I automatically bumped it up to the top of the list.

I expected this story to be a fever dream of a ride, and it did not disappoint. This was such a unique story that will forever stick around in my brain. It had a little nostalgia with the Blockbuster Video ghost, brought back some core memories of watching “Deliverance” as a child, and caused me to become super protective over a fictional kidney butler named Vermiculus.

What a ride this book was. I have zero regrets reading this, and cannot recommend it enough to anyone who loves absurd and comedic fiction with a splash of horror.

NOW LETS GET JRUNK AND STRUM ON THE ‘JO MY TINY LITTLE SON!

[Ryan]

The best piece of literature on existential uncertainty since Waiting for Godot. The best book on alienation since Camus' The Stranger. The best diatribe on identity and the search for self since The Great Gatsby.

What I'm trying to say is You Only Need One Kidney... is hella pedophile, yo.

Really, Douglas Hackle has outdone himself. This latest novel of his has become my favorite—all of his absurdist stylings are firing on all cylinders, creating a fever dream of unprecedented proportions. An absurdist plot, offbeat humor, insane imagery, and fanciful characters (often inanimate objects) all push this book into truly remarkable territory.

[Michael]

This was my introduction to Douglas Hackle, and I could never have guessed what I was getting myself into. I was constantly laughing and enjoying all these strange, out of nowhere, and just hilarious situations. With all the funny, and random surprises in the story, I was still completely shocked by the ending. Really would have never guessed for Carmichael’s story to end the way it did. Still had a great time reading, and was a nice little switch from the usual dark and gory tales

[Karen Oldman]

This was a weird, funny af wild ride. I laughed as much as I wonder what in hell was going on. Tim is an odd MC in a bizarre world and somehow I still wanted him to finally become the Deliverance Banjo Boy.
The ghost of Blockbuster video is possibly the most normal thing in here. If you love a bizarro story with humor don’t miss this.

[Pamela]

It’s something. I like odd things, it had potential, but felt like a bunch of random words and phrases were crammed together into ai and instructed it to write a story, or maybe the ghost of blockbuster?

[klp82]

waste of time

I should have known by the title, but I read it anyway. I was tempted to DNF several times but decided against it. I mostly skimmed the second half of the book.

[Amanda]

I can’t believe I rated this 5 stars haha but I really, really enjoyed it 🤣

[Ron F.]

A fantastic book in every way! Superbly well written and funny and original as hell!! Loved every minute of it.

[Richard White]

I enjoyed reading this book but it was stupid as fuck lol.

[Sydney]

I loved this book! I laughed sooo many times at just how crazy it got!