Vato 101: The Magic of Blood, by Dagoberto Gilb
You have to feel never married. You have to wear an almost new football jersey. It has to take place in East L.A. You have to think about the possibility before it happens.
– from “Recipe”, by Dagoberto Gilb. The Magic of Blood.
One time I asked my moms whatever happened to Pops and she slapped the shit out of me and was like, “Eddie Vato, don’t you ever ask about that culo maricon ever again!"
But lemme tell you, fools, if I ever did have a pops then his name is most DEFINITELY Dagoberto Gilb, and he’s a puro motherfucker who writes some puro-ass short stories like the ones collected in The Magic of Blood (University of New Mexico Press).
Shit’s crazy. I mean, for real. Dude writes stories about some down-and-out vatos. Some beer-drinkin, dope-smokin, child-ditchin, rrruca-pokin, wife beater-wearin eses living in L.A. and my own hometown of El Paso, Texas (oh wassup, Tigre and Chanate and Baby Dice and toda mi gente en Delta y Concepcion!). But seriously. My man Dago writes about shit that’ll make you go, “Whaaat, bitch…that’s a story? That ain't a story!”
But trust me, fool. It is.
Like “Parking Places”, por ejemplo—one of the first short stories that Dago ever got published when he was just some cabron living off food stamps. The story’s about two couples, right—the Veloz’s and the Carillos—and they share a duplex and soon this dude John Veloz is all pissed off at his boy Vic Carillo because Vic be taking up all the damn parking spaces outside. The whole thing, fool! That’s what it’s about!
But that shit’s true. That’s how it is. One time my Uncle Rudy took a baseball bat to this fool’s windshield ‘cause dude parked in the handicap spot that belonged to him. And Uncle Rudy ain’t handicapped or nothing but it’s just that he been parking there for DAYS. So I can understand pinche John Veloz in this story, who gets all mad when the Carillos not only take up all the spaces but one night they even dis his wife’s home cooking and that shit’s too far, you know? But that’s what Dago’s good at. Because everyone knows a Vic Carillo and you ain’t gotta have a degree in literature to appreciate this shit.
So hook yourself up. Dago’s writing is real quick, too—some short ass sentences—and this one dude at the bookstore was like, “Yo, Eddie Vato, that’s minimalism, fool.” And I was like, “Yo, bookstore dude, your pito's minimalism, fool,” and he was like, "That's not what your moms said," and that night me and Baby Dice waited for dude to get off work and then beat the fuck out of him.
Anyway, whether you can read or not, you’ll get something out of these stories and you ain’t even got to be a vato to understand them. You just gotta be someone who’s been so down in life that you just wanted to scream at something and punch a hole through the wall and then say sorry and repair the damn thing.
But if you only read one story in this collection, make it “Desperado”, which is about this dude who pisses off his wife so much that she leaves his ass one night with their baby and the whole story is about this piece of shit kid crying and crying and meanwhile this dude has no idea how to hang out with his own son and by the end of the story it says, “He wanted to know where the fuck [his wife] was, how she could leave knowing the boy needed his mama.”
And that pretty much sums up all the broke ass fools in all these stories. Kickin and screamin like good vatos do. Always in need of their damn mamas.
So you can read this collection of short stories. Or, you can just eat a plate of fajitas and drink a six pack of Budweiser and take a hit from some stank ass Mexican weed and blast some Hank Williams Jr. and the effect is probably the same. It’s up to you, fool. But don't do both, or the border might implode, creating a black hole that will suck up every last remaining vato out there and don't get too excited, pinche gringos, because you better believe people like me and Dagoberto Gilb are taking you with us.
VATO RATING: 10/10 fajita platters