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The Real Thing: Lessons on Love and Life from a Wedding Reporter's Notebook
From a Washington Post weddings reporter who’s covered more than two hundred walks down the aisle comes a warm, witty, and wise book about relationships—the mystery, the science, and the secrets of how we find love and make it last.
Ellen McCarthy has explored the complete journey of our timeless quest for “The One,” the Soul Mate, the Real Thing. This indispensable collection of insights—on dating, commitment, breakups, weddings, and marriage—gives us a window into enduring romance:
• Go Online Already—“It’s a major time suck and a black hole of rejection and ambiguity and lies. But you know what? It also works.”
• Keep It Confidential—“If you have to get something off your chest, pick someone whose wisdom you really trust, and who isn’t likely to spread the gossip to all your mutual acquaintances.”
• Be Nice—“Brewing the morning coffee, touching the small of your partner’s back, filling their car with gas. These things add up to more relationship satisfaction than a fancy dinner on Valentine’s Day ever could.”
The Real Thing features many more nuggets of wisdom, valuable information from the latest studies on commitment, candid testimonials from a variety of couples, and the personal story of McCarthy’s own search for “the keeper”—which begins, ironically, with a breakup the very same day she started as the Post’s full-time weddings reporter. Whether you’re looking for love or looking to strengthen your relationship, this book is a wonderful and clear-eyed map to the human heart.
Advance praise for The Real Thing
“My readers often say to me, ‘If we lived next door to each other, we’d be best friends.’ That is precisely what I wanted to say to smart, funny, self-effacing Ellen McCarthy after finishing The Real Thing. I loved every lesson laid out in a book that wouldn’t dare to call itself a field guide to marriage but amounts to as much on every page. This is a deeply useful little book.”—Kelly Corrigan, author of Glitter and Glue
“If you’re not married by the end of this book, I will give you your money back (after I get it from the author).”—Patricia Marx, author of Let’s Be Less Stupid
Ellen McCarthy has explored the complete journey of our timeless quest for “The One,” the Soul Mate, the Real Thing. This indispensable collection of insights—on dating, commitment, breakups, weddings, and marriage—gives us a window into enduring romance:
• Go Online Already—“It’s a major time suck and a black hole of rejection and ambiguity and lies. But you know what? It also works.”
• Keep It Confidential—“If you have to get something off your chest, pick someone whose wisdom you really trust, and who isn’t likely to spread the gossip to all your mutual acquaintances.”
• Be Nice—“Brewing the morning coffee, touching the small of your partner’s back, filling their car with gas. These things add up to more relationship satisfaction than a fancy dinner on Valentine’s Day ever could.”
The Real Thing features many more nuggets of wisdom, valuable information from the latest studies on commitment, candid testimonials from a variety of couples, and the personal story of McCarthy’s own search for “the keeper”—which begins, ironically, with a breakup the very same day she started as the Post’s full-time weddings reporter. Whether you’re looking for love or looking to strengthen your relationship, this book is a wonderful and clear-eyed map to the human heart.
Advance praise for The Real Thing
“My readers often say to me, ‘If we lived next door to each other, we’d be best friends.’ That is precisely what I wanted to say to smart, funny, self-effacing Ellen McCarthy after finishing The Real Thing. I loved every lesson laid out in a book that wouldn’t dare to call itself a field guide to marriage but amounts to as much on every page. This is a deeply useful little book.”—Kelly Corrigan, author of Glitter and Glue
“If you’re not married by the end of this book, I will give you your money back (after I get it from the author).”—Patricia Marx, author of Let’s Be Less Stupid
288 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 21, 2015
27 people are currently reading
1582 people want to read
About the author
Ellen McCarthy
12 books8 followersEllen McCarthy is an award-winning feature writer for the Style section of The Washington Post. She joined the Post in 2000 and wrote about business, technology, arts, and entertainment before launching the paper’s On Love section in 2009. She has interviewed hundreds of couples and written extensively about weddings and relationships. Her first book, “The Real Thing: Lessons on Love and Life from a Wedding Reporter’s Notebook,” is the culmination of that work. McCarthy lives in Washington, D.C., with her husband and daughter.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 129 reviews
April 22, 2015
(2.5) McCarthy writes about weddings and relationships for The Washington Post. Ironically, McCarthy got that gig the day after breaking off a long-term relationship. This is a collection of short pieces about modern dating, breakups, wedding ceremonies, marriage, and making love last. Everything she learned in her reporting career found a mirror in her own life as she courted and married Aaron and negotiated the special challenges of an interfaith couple.
The style is breezy and humorous, largely anecdote- and interview-based, with some heartfelt moments. If you’re a wedding junkie you’ll definitely enjoy it, but I didn’t think it broke new ground. My favorite chapters were from the section on keeping a marriage going – which probably reflects my own stage of life. The single best piece of advice she conveys is “your partner is not a renovation project.”
The style is breezy and humorous, largely anecdote- and interview-based, with some heartfelt moments. If you’re a wedding junkie you’ll definitely enjoy it, but I didn’t think it broke new ground. My favorite chapters were from the section on keeping a marriage going – which probably reflects my own stage of life. The single best piece of advice she conveys is “your partner is not a renovation project.”
February 25, 2016
Cute, fun book! Single people would particularly enjoy.
February 25, 2019
A book club read that was absolutely terrible. It doesn’t deserve a spot on the back of a toilet. Was hoping for something more than happily ever after, cheeseball love stuff. It’s like a bunch of mini blogs (or maid of honor speeches) bound together. Terrible. Did I say terrible?
August 22, 2015
I didn't particularly have high expectations for this book because I'm not a big self help/advice book type of girl, but I will admit I was completely wrong. This book, despite its small size, packed a punch and was impossible to put down. Author, Ellen McCarthy, is a wedding journalist for the Post and spends her life attending hundreds of weddings, talking to marriage experts, and chronicling some of the best (and most depressing) real life romance stories. She put all that knowledge into this compact, easily readable little book that contains lessons and advice from her experience, real couples, and experts. There are five sections: dating, commitment, breakups, weddings, and making it last. Each section contains short chapters with little morals, lesson, advice, and tidbits that she has gleaned. It's fantastic. It's most ideal for the single girl, BUT there is also great advice for people in relationships or people who are already married. Everyone will walk away with something. I loved it and will definitely return to it again. A refreshing, inspiring read.
I received this book for free from Library Thing in return for my honest, unbiased opinion.
I received this book for free from Library Thing in return for my honest, unbiased opinion.
April 23, 2015
It's easy to look at this and dismiss it as a self-help or gift book you might give to someone, but never pick up for yourself. Wrong impulse. As a long-time reader of the Post's 'On Love' column, I knew it wouldn't be just 'fluff.' Instead, it's full of great advice, much of it hard won, and the stories of the interesting and average people it was learned from.
Best of all, McCarthy's writing voice rings so clear - funny, but respectful of those who've opened their lives to hear - you'll feel like you just spent time having a great chat with an old friend when you're done.
And - whether you're in a relationship or looking for love - you'll walk away with some great perspective on keeping it real.
Best of all, McCarthy's writing voice rings so clear - funny, but respectful of those who've opened their lives to hear - you'll feel like you just spent time having a great chat with an old friend when you're done.
And - whether you're in a relationship or looking for love - you'll walk away with some great perspective on keeping it real.
January 5, 2017
I was not expecting to give this book 5 stars. It's a quick, easy to read book, and I think I was highlighting at least once a chapter. This should be required reading for everyone in their 20's.
March 15, 2020
Heard this book mentioned as a recommendation for a bride-to-be on the "What Should I Read Next Podcast". I figured it would be a nice, light read as my last several had been on the heavier side. Consumed on my kindle.
Overall, this book is a series of unrelated short stories, most of which highlight a couple the author had interviewed, highlighting a piece of pearl of advice. Perhaps because I am married, I did find most of the chapters, "dating", "commitment", "breakups" & "weddings" super speedread-easy and found "marriage" to be the most engaging and thought provoking by A LOT.
The earlier chapters read very much like distilled down Sex and the City episodes. In one story, for example, I was so reminded of a scene where they talk about how some men just have a switch that turns on like a cab's light when they're ready for commitment and the next woman they're with will be their wife. It's all very airy and quick and you never get into any particular couple's story too in-depth.
I enjoyed reading this while in proximity to my husband so I could remark on some of the weirder things in this book. Like suggesting that he try to hold my hand the next time we are arguing and see how that goes (I anticipate not well) as suggested. Or when I was stunned by the statistic that apparently ~15% of people have cheated on their partner, thinking this was high. (He was also surprised, thinking it was LOW?? )
I found myself thinking a lot (maybe because I'm coming off of I am not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter) of my parents' marriage and how much of this did not apply to them. It initially made me sad to think about their lack of conventional Western romance, but may say more about this book aggrandizing only a certain type of union. There's not a lot of cultural diversity here, definitely worth noting.
Overall, this was a light, fast, pleasant read that's a mix between Chicken Soup for the Soul and 100 white women each telling you a 30-second story they think will help you succeed in romance, even if they contradict one another. Would recommend to anyone that appeals to. This book is like a forgettable sweet acquaintance you would describe by saying is "nice" because that's really the most apt and only descriptor. I can almost guarantee I will retain very little of this.
Overall, this book is a series of unrelated short stories, most of which highlight a couple the author had interviewed, highlighting a piece of pearl of advice. Perhaps because I am married, I did find most of the chapters, "dating", "commitment", "breakups" & "weddings" super speedread-easy and found "marriage" to be the most engaging and thought provoking by A LOT.
The earlier chapters read very much like distilled down Sex and the City episodes. In one story, for example, I was so reminded of a scene where they talk about how some men just have a switch that turns on like a cab's light when they're ready for commitment and the next woman they're with will be their wife. It's all very airy and quick and you never get into any particular couple's story too in-depth.
I enjoyed reading this while in proximity to my husband so I could remark on some of the weirder things in this book. Like suggesting that he try to hold my hand the next time we are arguing and see how that goes (I anticipate not well) as suggested. Or when I was stunned by the statistic that apparently ~15% of people have cheated on their partner, thinking this was high. (He was also surprised, thinking it was LOW?? )
I found myself thinking a lot (maybe because I'm coming off of I am not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter) of my parents' marriage and how much of this did not apply to them. It initially made me sad to think about their lack of conventional Western romance, but may say more about this book aggrandizing only a certain type of union. There's not a lot of cultural diversity here, definitely worth noting.
Overall, this was a light, fast, pleasant read that's a mix between Chicken Soup for the Soul and 100 white women each telling you a 30-second story they think will help you succeed in romance, even if they contradict one another. Would recommend to anyone that appeals to. This book is like a forgettable sweet acquaintance you would describe by saying is "nice" because that's really the most apt and only descriptor. I can almost guarantee I will retain very little of this.
January 4, 2019
I loved this book! I found this book through an article on the blog, Cup of Jo. I actually ended up reading this book in a day because I couldn't put it down. The author has a lovely voice that was uplifting and inspiring. She covers so many aspects of love: dating, marriage, break-ups, etc. and approaches each aspect with a level of wonder and positivity that is heartwarming. I felt like I was getting a hug while reading this book, and would recommend it to anybody, regardless of their stage of life. There are not many books I have a desire to reread but I definitely feel like I could read certain parts of this book to be inspired all over again and reminded of what matters in life.
May 13, 2015
Finding love
Are you frustrated by the loneliness, stymied relationships or missed connections in your search for someone to spend the rest of your life with? Then you will find this book, by Ellen McCarthy, a Washington Post weddings reporter, warm, witty and helpful. This collection of Ms. McCarthy’s thoughts on dating, weddings, commitment, breakups and happy life gives a window into the world of love and romance.
In a chapter on “What makes it last,” the author observes that there is not a single secret to ensure a long and happy marriage but some behaviors help sustain a relationship. Some of the tips she gives include; go tandem gliding; be kind five times a day; maintain eye contact; drink more champagne together; go to nature or place of worship together; write in your gratitude journal; do the dishes, both of you; keep up and say “I love you.”
In the chapter “Love means having to say you’re sorry. A lot,” the author discusses Erich Segal’s famous Academy Award nominated movie “Love Story (1970)” starring Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw, and bring forth one famous line that hit popular culture, “Love means never having to say you're sorry.” She agrees that Jenny Cavilleri and Oliver Barrett IV never needed to say that, but the rest of us do. The Law of Attraction ultimately wins, but you must keep in mind that it is a long and windy road and it has worked for many couples.
Are you frustrated by the loneliness, stymied relationships or missed connections in your search for someone to spend the rest of your life with? Then you will find this book, by Ellen McCarthy, a Washington Post weddings reporter, warm, witty and helpful. This collection of Ms. McCarthy’s thoughts on dating, weddings, commitment, breakups and happy life gives a window into the world of love and romance.
In a chapter on “What makes it last,” the author observes that there is not a single secret to ensure a long and happy marriage but some behaviors help sustain a relationship. Some of the tips she gives include; go tandem gliding; be kind five times a day; maintain eye contact; drink more champagne together; go to nature or place of worship together; write in your gratitude journal; do the dishes, both of you; keep up and say “I love you.”
In the chapter “Love means having to say you’re sorry. A lot,” the author discusses Erich Segal’s famous Academy Award nominated movie “Love Story (1970)” starring Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw, and bring forth one famous line that hit popular culture, “Love means never having to say you're sorry.” She agrees that Jenny Cavilleri and Oliver Barrett IV never needed to say that, but the rest of us do. The Law of Attraction ultimately wins, but you must keep in mind that it is a long and windy road and it has worked for many couples.
April 30, 2015
Ellen works with my best friend at the Post and so we went to see her speak about her brand new book a few weeks ago. The book was a super quick and fun read on the lessons Ellen's learned over the year's of covering DC weddings. It was touching at parts and packed with good stories, told in the way only a great feature writer could tell them.
July 27, 2015
Interesting insights on romance and relationships. A good mix of anecdotes and findings from research. Would be interesting to read through with the girls when much older - to spark conversation about dating and marriage and to help them learn how to filter what everyone else says about relationships through the way I'd like them to view it.
October 14, 2015
Not what I was expecting. More of a self help book. Would have loved more of the personal stories the author encountered as a wedding writer
September 27, 2016
This was a quick fun non-fiction read all about relationships, dating, weddings, and marriage. Also made me so glad not to be planning a wedding.
June 27, 2015
This was a sweet book. Loved the author's sense of humor and conversational writing style.
October 1, 2021
Lessons on finding your partner, relationship, breakups, dating, and marriage.
This book is a collection of essays written by Ellen McCarthy, a wedding reporter from Washington Post who had covered a lot of wedding and relationship stories on her love section in the Post. In this book, Ellen talks about her encounter with the couples whose love stories worth sharing.
The length of each essay is considered short so the reader wouldn’t fall asleep while reading the book.
The book is divided into 5 big parts; Dating, Commitment, Breakups, Weddings, and Making it last. Each big part consists of five to six essays that talk about the respective ideas.
What I like about this book is that the suggestions and thoughts are so relatable to me personally. One of the things that is said in the book “Good on paper is all about externals: a person’s pedigree, occupation, income, status, appearance. But those things won’t keep you warm at night, rub your back when you’re exhausted, or know just what to say when you’re sad. They won’t bring out the hidden layers of yourself that you usually keep from the rest of the world.” Often times we care a lot about what others think about our partner. Wether we realize it or not, the set of criteria of an ideal partner that we have is based on “the paper” which actually is somebody else’s estimation of who we should be with, not our own inscrutable but deeply knowing internal compass.
I love the stories of how these couples found each other and how they managed to fight against the odds to be together. Having the book full of successful love stories, I love the fact that the author also frankly tell the truth that not everyone is meant to have a life partner. She doesn’t sugarcoat her book by guaranteeing that everyone is destined to find their other half, instead, she tells the stories of the people who are single and live their life to the fullest.
I would recommend this book for all singles who are still in the search of finding their soulmates, or anyone who are interested in the relationship matters.
This book is a collection of essays written by Ellen McCarthy, a wedding reporter from Washington Post who had covered a lot of wedding and relationship stories on her love section in the Post. In this book, Ellen talks about her encounter with the couples whose love stories worth sharing.
The length of each essay is considered short so the reader wouldn’t fall asleep while reading the book.
The book is divided into 5 big parts; Dating, Commitment, Breakups, Weddings, and Making it last. Each big part consists of five to six essays that talk about the respective ideas.
What I like about this book is that the suggestions and thoughts are so relatable to me personally. One of the things that is said in the book “Good on paper is all about externals: a person’s pedigree, occupation, income, status, appearance. But those things won’t keep you warm at night, rub your back when you’re exhausted, or know just what to say when you’re sad. They won’t bring out the hidden layers of yourself that you usually keep from the rest of the world.” Often times we care a lot about what others think about our partner. Wether we realize it or not, the set of criteria of an ideal partner that we have is based on “the paper” which actually is somebody else’s estimation of who we should be with, not our own inscrutable but deeply knowing internal compass.
I love the stories of how these couples found each other and how they managed to fight against the odds to be together. Having the book full of successful love stories, I love the fact that the author also frankly tell the truth that not everyone is meant to have a life partner. She doesn’t sugarcoat her book by guaranteeing that everyone is destined to find their other half, instead, she tells the stories of the people who are single and live their life to the fullest.
I would recommend this book for all singles who are still in the search of finding their soulmates, or anyone who are interested in the relationship matters.
July 10, 2019
Anecdotal, short and to the point - I enjoyed reading this so much more than I thought I would, picking it up on a recommendation. Regardless of what stage of life and relationships one may find oneself in, this book shares the stories of real people who have been there and have their own lessons to share. These couples transcend the magazine-style typical highlights of hereto, young, white, normative marriages to bring it back to basics - two people who are committed to more than love - and to refute the flawed concept of marriage and relationships that we are spoon fed by the media.
A lovely reminder that sometimes the quieter, uneventful and seemingly boring stories make the best stories - and certainly provide a monument to what can be built by persevering in kindness, manners, respect for your partner and balancing your expectations.
A lovely reminder that sometimes the quieter, uneventful and seemingly boring stories make the best stories - and certainly provide a monument to what can be built by persevering in kindness, manners, respect for your partner and balancing your expectations.
January 19, 2020
DNF. Partly, it's not what I expected; I thought it would be a feel-good collection of "couple stories" that she's gathered over the years. Nah, it's her opinions about relationships and dating. She includes bits from the couples she's known to illustrate her points, but mostly it's about her own philosophies and how they've been affected by her observations at work.
I think it is meant to be that feel-good, lighthearted style with an occasional dash of actual insight. To me, it mostly felt like this (perfectly nice) person talking about herself, and I wasn't interested. I might have liked it when I was a very young single adult.
I think it is meant to be that feel-good, lighthearted style with an occasional dash of actual insight. To me, it mostly felt like this (perfectly nice) person talking about herself, and I wasn't interested. I might have liked it when I was a very young single adult.
February 8, 2020
Actual rating: 3.5
This was such a sweet collection of love stories and marriage advice. It was easy to read through and perfect for getting ready for Valentine's Day. While the advice given is nothing groundbreaking or surprising, and while I didn't agree with everything the author said, there are some helpful reminders that can be helpful for any couple. I found the section on dating and breakups not entirely applicable to my stage in life, but the wedding planning section gave me a sense of peace as I've been working on planning a wedding of my own. This is more of a good book to skim through to the parts that apply to you and your relationship instead of reading all the way through.
This was such a sweet collection of love stories and marriage advice. It was easy to read through and perfect for getting ready for Valentine's Day. While the advice given is nothing groundbreaking or surprising, and while I didn't agree with everything the author said, there are some helpful reminders that can be helpful for any couple. I found the section on dating and breakups not entirely applicable to my stage in life, but the wedding planning section gave me a sense of peace as I've been working on planning a wedding of my own. This is more of a good book to skim through to the parts that apply to you and your relationship instead of reading all the way through.
July 1, 2021
I heard about this book on Anne Bogel’s podcast, What Should InRead Next awhile back. A fiancé had conspired with the woman’s wedding party to have her be a guest on the podcast as part of her bachelorette weekend. How sweet!
Anne recommended this book and I finically put it on hold to get from the library. It’s sweet and delightful. At times irritating, but overall great. I loved the stories of the married couples and the way the author relates them is sweet.
Her advice is great and often tongue-in-cheek which I really appreciated. It’s a quick read, I started it before work and finished before dinner.
Anne recommended this book and I finically put it on hold to get from the library. It’s sweet and delightful. At times irritating, but overall great. I loved the stories of the married couples and the way the author relates them is sweet.
Her advice is great and often tongue-in-cheek which I really appreciated. It’s a quick read, I started it before work and finished before dinner.
November 21, 2019
I thought this was an okay book - but I misunderstood what it was, too. So, it might not be totally fair! It's "Lessons on love and life from a wedding reporter's notebook." So, I thought it was going to be cute little stories and tidbits from weddings. But, it's just advice for relationships, dating, marriage and if the relationship ends. It's decent advice, and she has a pretty cute, fun writing style, but much of it is banal and been hear many times. It's not horrible, just wasn't what I was looking for, but one may glean something from it for sure.
February 28, 2017
“It’s hard to live with yourself sometimes,” Henry said. “Never mind for two strangers to live together and get used to each other.”
McCarthy becomes the Washington Post Wedding reporter after a long-term relationship comes to a messy end. Along the way she finds great tidbits of advice about relationships--romantic or otherwise. Overall, I enjoyed this book. I struggled with the placement of the breakup section because it seemed so out of place in such optimistic, but realistic book.
McCarthy becomes the Washington Post Wedding reporter after a long-term relationship comes to a messy end. Along the way she finds great tidbits of advice about relationships--romantic or otherwise. Overall, I enjoyed this book. I struggled with the placement of the breakup section because it seemed so out of place in such optimistic, but realistic book.
June 7, 2019
Fun, bite-sized collection of essays on love, dating, breakups, weddings, and long-term relationships. The author was WashPo's Wedding reporter for many years and she shares many anecdotes from the couples she encountered on the job, as well as her own story of breakup and finding love.
I'd recommend this book to anyone interested in learning more about romantic relationships and want to read something light but still impactful.
I'd recommend this book to anyone interested in learning more about romantic relationships and want to read something light but still impactful.
November 13, 2019
The book is very practical, realistic, and straightforward, but the amazing thing about it is, it retains this certain magical feeling...It never loses its warmth, not even for one page. It is persistently romantic, optimistic, and encouraging. Talking about love, meeting all those couples, getting to know their stories and their lessons, it was a really nice and quick read. It said that it wants to explore what they could find out about love and life, but really, it was a thinly veiled effort to inspire us singles to keep going - and to remind us that yes, love is hard, but it could be really worth it.
June 3, 2020
This was a fun book to read. Frankly, I wish I would have read it before I was married, but it was heartwarming and instructive after as well. I enjoyed McCarthy's perspective as someone who has been "in the industry" as she calls it, for many years.
My favorite line is, "Lower your expectations." Marriage isn't always passionate, amazing, or inspiring. Sometimes it is a slog. And that's okay. Life is made up of both, always.
My favorite line is, "Lower your expectations." Marriage isn't always passionate, amazing, or inspiring. Sometimes it is a slog. And that's okay. Life is made up of both, always.
September 30, 2017
I've been wanting to read this for awhile based on the premise. But, the author talked way too much about herself and not enough about the interesting people her articles were supposedly about. Add to that the fact that this read like she just cut and pasted bits of her articles, and it just wasn't enjoyable.
April 27, 2025
Read for fun via ebook. This was a quick read - no groundbreaking advice, but a solid summary of the do's and dont's of dating, marriage, and commitment. As far as writing style goes, I would have liked less reliance on cliched phrases and journalistic "hooks" at the start of each chapter, but otherwise it was clear, concise, and easy to understand.
April 28, 2018
Esther Perel’s book made me firmly believe I’d never get married. This book made me believe that maybe he possibility is still there. It was mostly cute and charming and inclusive of queer relationships. But i took a star away for a blatant fatphobic comment.
June 25, 2018
This is a nice little book that talks about love and marriage and weddings with lots of advice for couples. The sections are short so it's a good read for when you just have a couple of minutes; you can read something and then put it down and move on.
October 26, 2018
An easy and fun reading ride. Never dull. Often hilarious. Found myself smiling a whole lot with its warmth.
I've come away from this book more grateful for what I had, more sure of what matters to me in the future, and more prepared for when I find it.
I've come away from this book more grateful for what I had, more sure of what matters to me in the future, and more prepared for when I find it.
January 29, 2019
Perfect read for the newly engaged. Inspirational stories and words of wisdom coupled with the reality of marriage. Should set a reminder to reread it ten years down the road when we’re in the thick of it.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 129 reviews