Sleepless Days: One Woman's Journey Through Postpartum Depression

by Susan Kushner Resnick

An unforgettable memoir of triumph and hope

She couldn't sleep. She couldn't stop trembling with anxiety. And she worried that she would throw her precious baby boy down the stairs if she continued to lose her mind. That is how Postpartum Depression tore apart Susan Kushner Resnick's world. And she had no idea that thousands of other new mothers were experiencing the same agony.

While she struggled to take care of her two children, Resnick searched for a book by a survivor of Postpartum Depression, something that would show her in black and white that she could survive the worst period in her life. But no such book existed. So, when she finally conquered her demons, she wrote one.

Sleepless Days is a brilliantly written, haunting memoir of her encounter with Postpartum Depression. It is a story for the other 400,000 women who are afflicted with PPD each year and are desperate for reassurances that others have felt their despair and recovered. It is a compelling narrative for anyone who has ever watched helplessly as a vulnerable woman fought against the weight of this mysterious disease.

Resnick's symptoms begin with the onslaught of insomnia, anxiety attacks, and a general apathy toward her newborn son. She loses weight and gains moodswings. She suffers from an ongoing tension that no glass of wine can cut through. She listlessly stumbles through each day like a zombie. And because an entire summer feels like one long night, she comes to think of her existence as a series of sleepless days with the same fogginess and hypersensitivity, the same sense of disorientation and loneliness one feels when gazing out a window at streetlights and moonshine in the middle of the night.

Feelings of isolation sear through every page of Sleepless Days. Resnick recounts the hours spent watching the television screen-wishing the people from the TV could smash through the screen and come sit with her. And she compares her battle with insomnia to a menacing soldier standing guard over her, threatening her with images of what could happen to her child if she dares to allow herself a peaceful night's rest. Her journey finally takes us into her world of therapy, which leads to her heartbreaking decision to forgo breastfeeding in order to begin taking antidepressants.

Through Resnick's devastating account shines a ray of hope. She develops an extraordinary friendship with a Holocaust survivor. She learns to lean on friends. And she accepts the lack of control that defines her life. Her own rebirth is juxtaposed with the arrival of Autumn. She poignantly writes, The trees on this street are starting to look as if a child dipped her fingers into red and yellow fingerpaints and smeared them over the green parts. They are dying a beautiful death. And she is coming back to life.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

208 pages, Hardcover

First published March 2, 2000

About the author

I am the author of Goodbye Wifes and Daughters, a creative nonfiction account of a 1943 coal mine disaster in Montana, published by the University of Nebraska Press. I will be touring all over the US all year, starting in Montana in Feb. I live in Massachusetts."

Reviews

[Leslie Zampetti · Rating 4 out of 5]

All I can say is I wish I'd had this book to read when I was experiencing PPD. It resonated in so many ways.

A definite recommendation for those wishing to know more about postpartum depression and especially those suffering from it.

[Snowy M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very human memoir about a young woman's struggles with motherhood. Everyone thinks they're ridiculous for the hatred they might feel towards their babies or the self-hatred and resentment. The world feels lonely. Waking up feels like a challenge. You either want to be alone or cling to your partner and make them stay, take all of the burdens away from you for a little while as you wrestle with the impossible—getting at least 2 hours of sleep.

Motherhood is batshit crazy for some people and honestly that's okay. This is an honest journey about it, especially the mentality surrounding mental health. What makes me giddy is the fact that the author studied to become a social worker or counselor(?) from what I remember when looking her up. Good on her, from doubting the wonders of therapy to being a part of that process in helping people find their way.

[Roxy Adams · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most relatable book I've ever read!

[Meagen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here's my review from Amazon (where I purchased the book):

I had terrible postpartum depression for more than 7 months. My son is one of the worst cases of colic I have ever heard of, and anyone would have depressed with a baby like that. This is the biggest difference between Susan's experience and my own. Her son was lovely, an angel baby, and mine was... well.... a hell baby. That sounds terrible to say, but it was a hellish several months.

I didn't find this book until my postpartum depression was gone, but it is the best resource I've seen for helping me to understand postpartum depression and what to do with it. Unfortunately, the postpartum depression left my regular depression and anxiety struggles behind when it fled.

I have had severe depression and anxiety problems for many years, probably eight years now, mostly unrelenting, and severe enough that I have been hospitalized for my own safety. My depression seems to be a different version than most, and I am grateful every single time I hear someone else who has a depression like mine. This author writes about a depression like mine, and I felt less alone as I read the book. I've got pages highlighted and marked and circled in bold. "She gets it!" I wrote next to it.

I too have had depression for a long time. I had issues with pychological medications and breastfeeding interactions. I had about five nights shifts with my son before we all realized that I absolutely could not handle it, so I connect to her sadness about missing nights with her son.

I talked to my therapist about it and told him, "Look! Someone like me!". I carried the book with me for several weeks everywhere I went in case I would get another chance to read more.

There were only two downsides. The first I already mentioned - that my son was really, really difficult. I couldn't relate to Susan's experience of an angel baby, though I wish I could.

The other is that the whole book covers only about five months. I didn't realize that until I finished it. Her experience was more different from mine than I originally thought or hoped, and I felt bummed when I realized that.

Still, I loved the book. It was very helpful, and I would recommend it to every single person I know with postpartum depression.

[Leahjoypro · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was on my to-read list for a long time - probably since I had postpartum depression after the birth of my first child. I'm so glad I finally got around to it because it was really good. I could relate to her experience and it was a good reminder of how far I've come. The only reason I didn't give it 5 stars was because I found it confusing that the author kept jumping around to different places in time without much clarification to help you find your place.

[Cara]

This is a book that I have wanted to read for a while now. However, the author's story seems so eerily similar to my own, that it kind of creeps me out. Maybe I'll get the guts to read it one day...

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

informative.

[Laura Braden · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an extremely helpful and insightful book about post-partum depression and post-partum mania.

[G-- · Rating 5 out of 5]

Useful, of course, but well-written with a writer's eye for language and experience.