Self-Centered Spouse: Help for Chronically Broken Marriages

The Gospel for Real Life #12

by Brad C. Hambrick

“Gives sound biblical wisdom for how to recognize [abusive] patterns and practical guidelines for how to address and tackle them.”—LESLIE VERNICK, licensed counselor, author of The Emotionally Destructive Marriage“Overflows with wisdom, hope, and compassion for the abused or neglected spouse as well as for the offending spouse.”—JUSTIN HOLCOMB, coauthor of Is It My Fault? and Rid of My DisgraceHope for Genuine ChangeAnyone who is married is already a self-centered spouse . . . but when this all-too-common sin becomes severe and chronic, it results in a marital environment of abuse or neglect—leaving the victimized spouse feeling trapped and hopeless. But how might this hopelessness change if we knew that Jesus addressed just such chronically broken relationships? Brad Hambrick examines Jesus’ teachings about relationships to show us how we can turn the other cheek while keeping away from unhealthy and destructive paths. He identifies different types of self-centered spouses to show us what we are dealing with, shares strategies for interacting with them, and points to evidences of genuine change to bring hope to anyone living with a chronically self-centered spouse.The Gospel for Real Life booklet series by the Association of Biblical Counselors (ABC) applies the timeless hope of Christ to the unique struggles of modern believers.“The gospel isn’t just an ethereal idea. It’s not a philosophy and it’s not static. It moves and shapes and transforms. I am grateful for ABC’s work of letting the gospel bear its weight on these real life sorrows and pains.”—MATT CHANDLER, Lead Pastor, The Village Church, Flower Mound, TexasBRAD HAMBRICK is pastor of counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, North Carolina, and adjunct professor of biblical counseling at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. He provides many resources on counseling at www.bradhambrick.com.

Genres: Counselling, Marriage

43 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 1, 2014

Reviews

[Abbie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Things I found helpful:
-the sin of one spouse is not the fault of the other
-some good explanations/observations and categories
-not rushing the abused to immediately trust the abuser
-getting the abused safe
-the need for others to help / walk alongside during this process

Things that were not helpful:
-it's confusing at times - Is this for abusive situations or just "normal" chronic selfishness? Who is the intended audience?
-not very practical
-lack of biblical hope or the gospel
-lack of biblical truth applied specifically to the heart / not addressing the heart
-a goal of changing your spouse vs glorifying God even if the spouse doesn’t change
-lack of prayer and relying on the Spirit to help bring about change
-it seemed like social awareness was the key/solution over genuine heart change and repentance

[Andrea G · Rating 4 out of 5]

Biblical, insightful resource.

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is really useful, really practical.

But unfortunately the booklet also suffers from poor communication. Maybe it’s a conceptual editing issue?

For a little booklet, it aims to connect to too many disparate audiences (it is mostly written for the offended/victimized spouse, but slips into addressing the offending/antagonizing spouse and the counselor at times, without warning). The interchangeable words for the same person (self-centered spouse, offending spouse, abuser) made it confusing, especially in light of there being both aggressive and passive versions of self-centered spoofed. And in an effort to not paint all self-centered spouses as male, the author switches pronouns, so sometimes the offender is a he, sometimes a she. All of this made the book lack clarity. Additionally, some sections were clunky and less direct and, as such, hard to understand.

The last third of the booklet (12-15 pages on strategies for interacting and evidence of genuine change) made the content worth its weight in gold, but it was tough to get there.

[Tish · Rating 4 out of 5]

Four stars is misleading for this booklet, this is 5 star material but the manner of transferring it is confusing. The information, insight and instruction for the spouse of someone who is self-centered or a counselor is excellent! The reason for the loss of a star is for three reasons. First, the author mixes his audience within the material, it is hard to differentiate who he is writing to. Second, the labels he uses for the parties within the marriage (offending spouse, abuser, self-centered spouse and their counterparts) make it hard to keep track. Third, and most problematic was his dizzying use of mixed pronouns, sometimes within the same paragraph, for the self-centered spouse. Truthfully, his attempt to not stereotype one gender as an offender seems to be a nod to our easily offended culture and the switch, without warning, forces the reader to go back and reread just to get clarity. But that said, I found this booklet to be a goldmine of great wisdom and will use it often in my counseling ministry. Highly recommend!

[Ophelia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Brad Hambrick’s Self-Centered Spouse is a concise, biblically rooted guide for those dealing with a chronically self-centered spouse. At under 100 pages, it’s accessible and offers practical strategies, like setting boundaries and identifying four types of self-centered behavior (low relational intelligence, lazy/apathetic, explosive, manipulative). Grounded in Scripture, particularly Matthew 7:1-6, it balances grace and accountability while suggesting ways to involve others for support. However, its brevity limits deeper exploration, and some may find the advice too general for complex situations. Helpful for initial guidance but not a complete solution.

[Jeremy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offers a great diagnosis of self-centered spouses, based on Matthew 7:1-6, and looks at several different manifestations of self-centeredness. Included are words to the offended spouse, to the counselor (an action plan), and finally a letter to the offending spouse. The specifics for each type of self-centeredness were particularly helpful, and the exposition of Matthew 7:6 was particularly interesting. There is a lot of information here, and the fact that there are three audiences for the book made things a little disjointed. Overall, a worthy read in under 40 pages.

[Janay Katherine Demont · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful

Now I know where to go from here. I also know that the "heart change" I was looking for was correct. Several counselors look at me funny when I say that. One even said I was being unforgiving. I tried to explain forgiveness and restoration are different and this book clearly explains that. Thank you for echoing what I've been saying, thinking, feeling. Makes me feel less crazy.

[Brian Virtue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great series so far. This was a helpful resource for reconciliation work in marriages and relationships when 1 or both parties are self-absorbed and destructive. Short, but helpful and practical. I think it would be helpful for marriages in chronic cycles of dysfunction too for each to read as a mirror to themselves as well.

[Brandi · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some helpful insights, but it doesn’t seem to offer a lot of guidance how to counsel, it is mostly describing what to look for in a potentially abusive relationship. It seemed more like reading a chapter from a psychology or clinical treatment textbooks, with a few a Bible verses and “Christianese” thrown in the mix. The gospel does not take the forefront, nor is there much hope offered.

[Jonathan Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply great! No other word works! This is exactly what I needed to read to help with counseling and shepherding. So so good! And it turns out I am a pretty selfish spouse too. Good conviction here and practical advice from God’s Word. Recommended

[Joy Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book

This book explains alot of the reasons abusers do what they do, tactics they use and ways to help both victim and abuser. Very helpful and concise.

[Stephanie Parker · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent resource!

Needed this. Want everyone I know to have it! There are a ton of great resources but none as concise.

[Landon Coleman · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book has four helpful categories of selfishness that likely encompass most people and situations. The book also has helpful advice about how to live with a self centered spouse.

[Meghan Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

There was some confusion from time to time, but overall it is an excellent resource.

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had the opportunity to get a review copy of The Self-Centered Spouse by Brad Hamrick. I, at first, had no desire to read this because, seemingly more often than not, I fall into that very category. However, it was the series title that encourages me to read it and the series title that left me convicted of areas where I fail but truly encouraged to press on towards a better representation, of Christ's love for the Church in my relationship with my wife. This book definitely shares The Gospel for Real Life.

As someone with a psychology backgound (Associate's Degree… I know just enough to diagnose myself with everything) and a Reformed understanding of common grace, I was curious to see how much "secular" counseling would be syncretized with the Gospel in this booklet. ("Secular counseling" being anything beyond praying and "let go and let God", of course.). I was pleased to see that Hambrick utilized a lot practical counseling advice and ideas, grounded in a good understanding of what grace actually looks like in real, everyday, life.

I really enjoyed how Hambrick guides the reader through what is a very difficult situation, a chronically broken marriage and what types of personalities typical find themselves in this struggle. Not only that, there is much insight to be gained for any of us who struggle with self-centeredness more than we would care to admit. I do not necessarily agree with his interpretation of Matthew 7:6, but the implications he draws out seem solid even if not neccesarily derived from this specific text.

I received a review copy from the publisher.

[Beverly Bartholomew · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye-opening

Speaks clearly and Biblically to a common but little discussed problem in marriages. Recommended for any spouse who wonders why counseling has not helped their marriage improve. Excellent resource, providing hope and real answers.

[Georie Bryant · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. I really need to read it more times.

Great book. I really need to read it more times.
It has alot to say for both spouses in the marriage.