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170 pages, ebook
First published April 21, 2015







”And Jesus…I’ve hit the mother lode of freaky fucking with Macy.”
"I don’t do overnights.
This he should know because when we finally fucked ourselves dry in Utah, I snuck off to my own hotel room and slept alone. He never said a word about it the next day.
The next two nights, he just invited me to dinner, it being implied it would be at a restaurant somewhere. I also declined because I don’t want him to try to wine and dine me. I’m a sure bet. I’ll willingly get on my back and spread my legs for him. He doesn’t have to try to get me there, because I’ll crawl there myself and even beg him to obliterate my misery.
Anything past submerging ourselves into a haze of sex is wasted on me, but more importantly, threatens to hurt him in the long run. Cal is a man that will give his heart in any way he can, and I am not the person he wants to waste that on. This means I know that I’ll have to give him up one day. It’s a thought that already saddens me and creates a black hole of emptiness within. But I have to minimize the damage I’ll do to him, and the best way is to make sure that I give him nothing but my body.
I can never let him know that I’m a person that has the potential to be saved, because I know he’s the type that would ride in on his white horse and slay all my demons.
I don’t deserve that from him, and I can only hope that he’s content for a while with just fucking me
Love, Macy. "
💙💙
"Dear Diary,
It’s late. Or early in the morning. I guess that depends on the way you view things.
I just slipped out of bed where I’ve left a beautiful man sleeping. That’s right. There is a man sleeping in my bed.
Cal came over tonight. Brought me flowers. Took me to dinner. Talked to me like we were forever buddies. Then he made love to me.
Correction… he said it was just slow sex, but whatever. It freaked me out and delighted me all at the same time. I’m still not sure how I feel about it, because when it was all said and done, and while my heart was still tripping around, I ended up telling Cal about me. He knows I was talking about myself, and while I didn’t give any details, I shared a good chunk of what makes me… well, me.
And then after, I straddled him… kissed him… stroked him back to life, which is just not a difficult chore with this man, and then I went to town on him. I gave him the ride of his life, and if the way he shouted out while he came deep inside of me is any indication of my prowess, I rocked his world hard. He rocked my world just as hard. And this is why I needed to come and write in you right at this moment, because my brain just won’t quit spinning.
It’s trying to rationalize everything when I believe it’s my heart that’s calling the shots right now. That’s a battle I have no wish to analyze, so I figured it best to write my initial thoughts in your secret pages and just let it be purged.
After I climbed off Cal… after I let him pull me back into his arms and sort of force me into a snuggling pose (which, admittedly, was kind of nice), he said something to me just before dozing off.
He said, “You can tell me anything, Macy. I’m your friend. You will always be safe in telling me, but more importantly… you will never be judged by this man.”
He’s ripped me open. I’m flayed. My eyes are clear, and I’m scared to death.
I can’t be hurt because I’m not sure that can ever happen to a person without much of a heart left intact. That’s not the worry. I’m smart enough to know that I can only benefit from the things that Cal gives me.
I just hope I don’t destroy him when he sees just how fucked up I am.
Lost, Macy"
