等你到35岁 [I will wait for you until 35 years old]

by 南康白起

个人作品编辑:
文笔细腻清丽，著带有自传性质的《浮生六记》、《我等你到35岁[1] 》等文章及《妖狐》《但愿人长久》《惘然劫》（有出书版）等耽美小说。
《浮生六记》记述的是南康与其男友在一起时候幸福的生活点滴。
《我等你到三十五岁》是南康与男友分手后，表示愿意等男友到三十五岁而写。
从《浮生六记》中的俏皮口吻到《我等你到35岁》中无奈的忧伤，我们可以发现这条路上他走得很伤。相恋7年的男友结婚了，南康选择了自杀这个方式，为这段感情划下一个句号。不是都说，谁先陷进感情，谁用情至深，谁付出的代价就越大。不知道还有什么是比生命更大的代价！我想，既然南康大人会这样做，一定是自己想过了很多很多，不知道他投入湘江时有没有那么一刹那的后悔。也许南康对不起很多人，对不起生他养他的父母，对不起疼爱自己的姐姐们，对不起一直支持他的读者，但他至少对得起自己，对得起自己的心，对得起自己的感情。
(逝者已逝，生者当以为戒。南康，愿你来世安稳！）
Source/Credit: http://baike.baidu.com/subview/201714...


Background:
The author’s name is Nakang, a Chinese BL romance writer. “I will wait for you until 35” is the memory of his real life experience. In March 2008, he threw himself into the river, two years after breaking up with his boyfriend. His body flowed 15 days in the cold water when they finally found him. At that time he was only 28. He could not keep his promise to wait until 35, leaving his parents and his sisters speechless behind. They did not know that why he died or that he was homosexual. It was proven that he suffered from depression before he died. After he died, his readers wrote tons and tons of messages into the forum not believing what has happened. Many were just sad, some were angry; others were just saying he was stupid. His short story “I will wait for you until 35” has been published on to many forum and homepages, and there are two radio versions of it.
Source/Credit: http://bl-fic.livejournal.com

Genres: China, Contemporary, Romance

ebook

First published July 15, 2006

Reviews

[G. · Rating 2 out of 5]

داستان کوتاه دربارهٔ افکار و احساسات نان کانگ، نویسنده و وبلاگ‌نویس چینی بعد اینکه پارتنر هفت‌ساله‌ش (هر دو مرد هستن) ترکش کرد و با یه زن ازدواج کرد.

اولین بار که این داستان رو خوندم سه سال پیش بود و یادمه وقتی به سخن پایانی مترجم رسیدم و فهمیدم داستان واقعیه و نان کانگ خودکشی کرده کلی گریه کردم. نمی‌دونم چرا این‌قدر روم تأثیر گذاشت. ناراحت‌کننده‌ست که به‌خاطر عقب‌موندگی افکار و حرف مردم و فشار جامعه رابطه‌شون همچین سرنوشتی پیدا کرد.

اما چیزی که الان برام مهمه و باعث شد موقع خوندن دوباره همراه اینکه دوباره ناراحت شدم و دلم براش سوخت پوکر بشم اینه که نان کانگ نتونست خودش رو دوست داشته باشه و برای خودش زندگی کنه؛ این می‌تونه به دلیل گذشتهٔ بد، آگاهی ناکافی و نفس ضعیفش باشه که بخش بزرگی از هویت خودش رو تو رابطه با اون آدم تعریف کرده و بدون اون نمی‌تونه به زندگی عادی برگرده. شاید ناعادلانه به نظر بیاد ولی درهرصورت این اون رو برای من به یه آدم دوست‌نداشتنی تبدیل می‌کنه حتی اگه هیچ راه چاره‌ای نداشته.

[⋆ ࣪˖ ִֶָ sel ་༘࿐]

"More than anyone else in the world, I eagerly hope that he will be happy. But, remembering that I have no share in this happiness, I still feel very sad."

May Nan Kang rest in piece. I read that this one is based on a true story and supposedly he once left a post on Tianya and said: "I will never be thirty-five years old, so I will always wait for you...". And he ceased at 27 years old. I don't even know what to feel. This is heartbreaking.

[࣪ ִֶָ☾.⋆˚࿔ ִֶָ. Althea ᥫ᭡.]

This is a very short collection of diary entries written by young man in love and a heartbreak he is unable to let go of.

Everything is told in a simple and nicely written way. Despite being short, It feels so real that it draws you in, leaving a strong impact. I imagined myself in this person’s shoes and the pain of loving someone you can’t let go. It really tugs at your heart because it’s so sad that people can’t be who they really want to be due to society 😔 It’s a story I believe many people can relate to in terms of their own relationships. Love itself is beautiful in it’s own way, the way it can make you feel and the comfort it brings:

“… I laid on his body. I nudged upwards, placing my face against his.
He seemed to enjoy it, and rubbed his face against mine.
… embracing came from whole-hearted trust and love, defencelessly presenting oneself.”
- Chapter 3

Yet love can be poisonous:

“I already couldn’t loudly cry out to my heart’s content, only endlessly letting out tears, choking and struggling to breathe, replying: “It hurts.””

I read some of the comments and the story might be real. From what people have been saying it's a bit unclear if this was written as an autobiography and posted for people to read or by an author who wrote it based on a real person. However, the translator said Chinese readers say to treat it as fictional which I will (even though that’s hard to do T_T). There’s a prequel so I’ll look into that.

[alyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

this short collection of passages tells the autobiographical story of Nan Kang after his boyfriend at the time gives into societal & familial pressure and leaves him to marry a woman. Nan Kang leaves a message for his ex, saying that he will wait for him until he’s 35, and if he doesn’t come back by then, he’ll move on.

however, a few years after writing this piece of work, he ultimately took his own life. he didn’t reach his 28th birthday.

as much as it pains me to read a story with such a tragic ending (check out my updates for a few quotes), this serves as a powerful reminder that the world still has a long way to go. the fact that some continue to refuse to accept that love is love unleashes a storm of fury within my chest, and yet i’m powerless to stop those individuals in one fell swoop. i can only hope that one day, such hate and discrimination will be eradicated like the diseases they are, so those like Nan Kang can live long lives as their authentic selves.

南康、愿你来世幸福安康。

[HyunIn · Rating 3 out of 5]

❝Ves a la gente yendo y viniendo por las calles; cada uno tiene prisa. Se encuentran, pero sólo se miran con indiferencia. Nadie puede ver la historia de los demás (...); nadie sabe si también están desgarrados por la vida❞.
—Pensamientos de un hombre que estaba dispuesto a esperar a su ex novio hasta los 35 años.

No encuentro palabras para describir las emociones que atraviesan mi persona. Sin embargo, si he de explicarlo de alguna forma, diré que me han destrozado la profunda tristeza que expresaban las palabras y el saber que el autor de dichas notas realmente le puso fin a su vida tras escribirlas.

Si existe una próxima vida después de esta, espero que él tenga la oportunidad de ser feliz.

[Misoko Fukumoto · Rating 5 out of 5]

This...
This is tragedy. This is what I like to use on my own self.

Thank you. I feel so connected to what seemed like sporadic diary entries. Because it's what mine resembles.

I don't know what else to say, my heart is clogged up with emotions, but my mouth and fingers just stayed silent.

[Cherry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think the experience of reading this book matters greatly if you know the context/background behind it (recommended to read Six Records of A Floating Lifetime alongside this). It made me shed a few tears.

What makes it great in my opinion was how the author depicted the pain of not being able to move on- it was very raw, depressing and personal.

[Celia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Me ha gustado, ha sido muy triste.
Más después de enterarme que el autor se suicido dos años después de escribir este libro.
Por los comentarios ya sabía que era triste pero aún así tenia la esperanza de que tuviera otro final, pero no ha sido así.
Aún así lo recomiendo encarecidamente, la historia te deja pensando mucho.

[Yadi Gaviria · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5
Esta reseña tendrá muchos, muchos spoilers así que absténgase de leerla si no desea tenerlos.

Primero leí "Seis capítulos de una vida flotante", aunque ya sabia del trágico final, pero la atmósfera de esa novela sinceramente te hacía pensar que Zhang lucharía, que al final sí que daría su vida por su amor, pero luego el inicio de esto te marca y te dice pues no, este ensayo se te mete en tu piel y te dice, pues ven sufre conmigo, Bai Qi sufrió todo esto en carne propia, enamorarse, aceptar que se enamoró de un hombre, conquistarlo, vivir felices juntos, ser abandonado y luego suicidarse, ni siquiera puedo llegar a los 30, como podría prometer esperarte hasta los 35. Su vida estaba marcada por la ansiedad, y la depresión de amar a alguien a quien no podía amar, de querer estar con alguien con quien no podía estar, y al final, la presión social fue más fuerte, incluso llegar a preparar regalos de boda para el amor de tu vida, para una boda que no te incluye, wow.
Dire esto como persona bastante parcial, Mr. Zhang no se merecía a Bai Qi, quien siempre fue honesto y valiente con sus sentimientos en serio espero que este sufriendo mucho y lamentándose por el final trágico de Bai Qi.

Por favor, no esperes más y ten un buen descanso, luego regresa y ten una próxima vida llena de mucho amor.

[Lixian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rezo en verdad, para que en la vida que sigue después de esta, sea realmente feliz porque se lo merece en demasía.

[RK · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I eagerly wish you to be the happiest man, and I am sure my wish is sincerer than anyone else in the world, but I will still feel sad if your happiness is without my existence."

"I'll Wait You Till 35" is written by Nan after breaking up with his boyfriend that has been together with him for 7 years. He had a loving boyfriend who, unable to withstand pressure from family and society, married a woman. Between March 9th to March 12th 2008, Nan Kang jumped into the waters of Xiangjiang and ended his life. In 2016, readers commemorated his would-be 35th birthday. He expressed his willingness to wait for his boyfriend until he was thirty-five years old in this autobiography.

What hurts the most from reading this autobiography was that we witness the humorous and adorable Nan Kang slowly dimming his light due to the breakup that broke him. The quote that hit me the most is "I am not innocent, but I am not guilty either. I just fell in love with a person." This quote resonated with me, why is being LGBTQ+ considered such a sin? Is this guilt really unforgivable to the point you'd take someone's life for it?

The worst part of reading this is that this is reality, the experiences of Nan Kang are real, his suicide due to societal standards is real, and ultimately, the pain is real...
"I eagerly wish you to be the happiest man, and I am sure my wish is sincerer than anyone else in the world, but I will still feel sad if your happiness is without my existence."

"I hope I never reach thirty-five so I can wait for you forever."
~ Nan Kang Bai Qi

[Luca]

"Si estás parado en una calle y ves a las personas ir y venir, todos ellos están apresurados y se dan miradas de indiferencia entre sí. Nadie puede ver a través de la historia de otras personas, y nadie sabe si en el corazón del otro vive alguien".

No pensé que me dolería; pero sí le lloré.

Al ser una historia real y saber el fatídico final del autor fue un poco más personal leer esto y no puedo juzgar las acciones y pensamientos que tuvo, fue muy humano, su forma de amar tan solemne y fuerte llegando un poco a lo absurdo; pero la verdad es que de qué otra forma se ama, teniendo el amor como un concepto tan abstracto y complejo al mismo tiempo, quién soy yo para decir que lo que sentía él no era amor.

Ahora solo quiero pensar que en otra vida él es feliz. 🫂

[TofuBao]

Rating: not rating.

This was a look at someone’s life and despair before their death. I find it inappropriate to rate so all I will say I’d that it’s thought provoking but also really sad and despairing.

Knowing that the author is probably one of many people to experience this pain and abandonment makes it all the more heartbreaking.

[Rcl Hum · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'll wait for you until I'm 35 and since I'll never be 35, I'll wait for you forever.

[ThatReader · Rating 5 out of 5]

To place this short collection of what reads like diary entries into perspective: Nan Kang Bai used to write a blog where he depicted small quotidian episodes of his life with his then boyfriend - who he refered to as 'husband' - a relationship that lasted for seven years. The blog entries are still available out there, and they are quite beautiful, in my opinion, his writing had a quiet honesty where dashes of soft poetics gave it a depth of emotion that cannot be explained, only felt, often barely perceived. It's something that touches on the soul, not on the brain. This collection was written post blog, and came in the aftermath of their break up. 'Husband' chose to - in a country and at a time where homosexuality was viewed with even worse eyes that it is nowadays - conform to 'societal norms and expectations' and leave his boyfriend to marry some girl - perhaps in the hopes of leading a 'normal' life without having to face prejudice? Nan Kang Bai apparently takes the break up well, accepts it in good stride, but what follows is a slow descent into a dreadful depression.
Now, if you've gone through a break up that, despite not being messy, has been extremely heartbreaking because you can't come to terms with it and your sentiments for that person do not change, no matter how much time passes (remember time is relative to every one, months can feel like centuries if in the depths of painful loss and despair) you will relate to these short entries. You will know what Nan Kang Bai suffered, and you will retrieve the memory of what it is to feel like that. Not only are these entries written in a very unpresumptuous manner, they are beautifully written with a raw, quiet storm of emotions that rests just short of being explosive - and this tells you so much about the kind of man he was, keeping it all to himself, swallowing the pain, never showing it other than on these entries, and even there, in a very controlled manner. The one entry that made me cry was the one where he confesses having broken down in front of the one friend he has who knows about this relationship, and even that is exposed in a way that to some will feel bland and almost emotionless, but is anything but that.
He promises 'husband' that he will wait until the age of 35 for him, and then, if nothing changes, move on with his life. But right at the start, he says he may not be strong enough to wait so long, paving the way to what will eventually come.
Two years after writing these short entries, Nan Kang Bai killed himself.
And left a testament for the still countless voices cut short of the promise of life, freedom and happiness because the world refuses to move on, refuses to admit, refuses to accept. There are many Nan Kang Bais and even more 'Husbands' out there, which only hammers the fact that, even though so many years have passed, nothing's really changed, after all.
It's a sad, beautiful read, even more when you put it in context.

[YZ (wordwanderlust) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a super short collection of dairy entries by the author but omg I literally was sobbing and in tears by the end. The Audio Drama did not help at all omgggggggg. MY HEART breaks for you Nan Kang, rest in peace 😭🖤

“It is said that this is a real story of a real person, Nan Kang, who has written other stories in his life. He had a loving boyfriend who, unable to withstand pressure from family and society, married a woman. In between March 9th and March 12th in 2008, Nan Kang jumped into the waters of Xiangjiang and ended his life. People found his body in the river on March 27th, after 15 long days drifting in the cold water. In 2016, readers commemorated his would-be 35th birthday.”

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really short story. I finished reading it in less than half an hour.

But it was enough to make me /feel/. It was a tragedy with no happy ending and it wasn't even because of anything dramatic: it was just life and circumstances that prevented the MC from being with the one he loved. It was honestly mildly depressing because he couldn't change anything; being anything else but heterosexual was considered backwards and wrong and the one he loved had chosen to conform to societal norms.

Even love couldn't prevail, it was sad.

[:p · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cuando termine de leerlo simplemente pensaba en la preciosa forma de reflejar sentimientos de desamparo y tristeza que tenía el autor al momento de escribir. Luego me entero que está basada en la propia vida del escritor, que terminó quitándose la vida. Ese acontecimiento cambió totalmente la visión que le tenía. Una obra muy triste llena de emociones verdaderamente humanas que pertenecían verdaderamente a un humano. Espero que ahora esté en un lugar mejor y logre tener la felicidad que tanto se merecía.

[giuls · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I’ll wait until thirty-five years old."

"People often say that time is the greatest, everything will be wiped out by it, whether it’s happiness or sadness, everything will eventually pass in the end.
I can only move forward slowly. Maybe many years later, I will recall all kinds of things today. At that time, I may have someone else in my heart.
Maybe I’m still waiting, but I won’t remember why I persevered.
Or maybe, he has come back to me."

It hurts knowing that the author couldn't keep his promise to wait until 35, and ended his life before he ever reached it.

[Denny_Books · Rating 4 out of 5]

Esto es demasiado para mí, realmente, realmente esperé, rogue por otro final, como dirían Pascu y Rodri "Se casaron felices
Beben vino y champán
Está claro que en este cuento
Va a salir algo mal".

Lo que más afecta es que esta historia es real más concretamente una de las vivencias del autor. @JosuLorenzoGrilli debes leer esto, realmente es muy fuerte.

"Las personas dicen que el tiempo es definitivamente, eventualmente lo borra todo. Tanto la felicidad como la tristeza pasarán."

[lu · Rating 5 out of 5]

*suspiro profundo* que triste forma de separarse de alguien a quien fue, es y será tu único amor, y que él tenga otros planes en los que ya no estas, y encima es triste porque el prota promete esperarlo hasta los 35 por si cambia de opinión, lo cual no pasa y tristemente sabemos que el prota es el mismo autor que encima se suicida luego y....man,,,, mi corazon,,,,

[reinesjournal · Rating 5 out of 5]

this one will never not hurt.


In between March 9th and March 12th in 2008, Nan Kang jumped into the waters of Xiangjiang and ended his life. People found his body in the river on March 27th, after 15 long days drifting in the cold water. In 2016, readers commemorated his would-be 35th birthday.

[Yolanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Still in tears

[Star · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book is so... tragically sad.

[Celeste · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Other than loneliness, he did not leave anything else behind."

[Katsumi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really sad, sad book...sometimes you wish you could be there next to him to give him a hug.
“Look at this man, saying he likes me, yet making me feel so sad.”

[لِيو. · Rating 4 out of 5]

can't relate no more.....👤

[Nans · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have so many thoughts and feelings about this. And sincerely I hope that Nan Kang will have a better life if there is a next one, he deserves it

[sun · Rating 5 out of 5]

cried more times than there are chapters in this

[snowwfox ౨ৎ · Rating 5 out of 5]

"有人正燕尔新婚，有人江水中冰冷"
按照小说 —> 同人曲 —> 广播剧这个顺序看的，大半夜哭死窝-