Saying No to Say Yes: Everyday Boundaries and Pastoral Excellence

by David C. Olsen, Nancy G. Devor

This book explores the difficulties clergy face when they attempt to say “no” by setting effective boundaries in order to say “yes” to the life-giving call of ministry. It illustrates the benefits of good boundaries, even as it traces the legacy of denominational boundary trainings in the wake of the public clergy sexual misconduct crisis. Devor and Olsen supplement anecdotes from their experience leading boundary trainings with an examination of clergy/congregation dynamics through the lenses of both self-psychology and family systems theory—elucidating how some obstacles to effective boundary setting are caused by innate personality tendencies that are exacerbated by a stressful church environment. A perfect storm occurs when clergy vulnerabilities and systemic congregational anxiety interact, leading to burn-out and boundary problems which hinder pastoral excellence. Readers will find both practice questions to assist them in a deeper assessment of personal and systemic obstacles as well as strategies for setting boundaries, creating the space needed to pursue excellence in ministry.

Genres: Leadership, Religion

142 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 1, 2015

Reviews

[Lisa Lewton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dear every pastor in the world: read this book. This was much richer than I’d expected. A very practical and wise read about the complex emotional systems pastors move through constantly. A good guide to explore our own emotional needs and mistakes so we can move ministry forward in a healthy and enriching way.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was hoping this might be a simple step-by-step checklist for setting good boundaries (ha!), but instead, it's an insightful look at why clergy have a hard time setting boundaries, what might stand in the way, and how we might overcome those obstacles. While it's not super-in-depth, I found the exploration of family systems theory very helpful, and the suggested practices doable. I also came away with a reading list that I'm excited about. Well worth the time to read this short book.

[Glauber Ribeiro · Rating 3 out of 5]

Religious organizations are organizations, and unfortunately (perhaps due to the kind of services they provide), they seem to be at the high end of the continuum of risk for leadership abuse, including sexual abuse. This has spawned a thriving industry of advice packaged into mandatory training sessions which, if they don't actually reduce the risk, serve to fulfill legal obligations and as a buffer against painful and very costly lawsuits. This book is part of the industry, and i was mandated to read it.

It's good (and short). On the plus side, the authors resisted making it specifically about preventing sexual abuse, but concentrated on the psychological systems which create negative feedback between churches and pastors, resulting in burnout or abuse. They give a short but interesting review of several leading systems psychologies which help understand the dynamics. They recommend pastors should have psychological support or attend regularly support groups facilitated by professionals fluent in the fields of systems psychologies.

On the minus side, especially in the end, the authors seem to be uncertain whether to make it a psychology or a religion book, and start mixing the two kinds of jargon in a way i find jarring.

The book is too short to really teach systems psychology, and that's not the goal anyway. The goal is to get you to join a professionally led peer group. Assuming such thing can be found, it seems a good idea. If it seems to be kicking the problem up the ladder (now you have a pastor of pastors, will you have a peer group for those too?), this is one case in which kicking the problem somewhere else is a good thing.

[Ralph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Powerful account and strategies related to setting and respecting boundaries. While this book covers the more insidious pastor scandals, it tends to focus on little ways that anxiety in individuals and congregations, stressed budgets, and a desire to be available and perform can exceed the boundaries a pastor should have for himself. There is much to be learned here for the new or experienced clergy and for those in congregational councils who manage such pastors. They mustn't burn out if you want them to keep up their passion and performance.

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book brought together ideas from a collection of various books on boundaries and family systems that I have read over the years. The conclusions are solid and can be a shot in the arm to pastors who are struggling to say no and reclaim their best yes. The first couple of chapters are heavier and introduced new terminology to me. If this section is a challenge, hang in there, the authors save the best for last.

[Tom Gleason · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's really disappointing to see this guy abusing his position of power. The book is at least honest, in that they straight out say that clergy sexual misconduct shouldn't be discussed because doing so could negatively affect someone like David Olsen. Spoiler alert!

[Joan Jolly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Valuable information

This book makes comfortable and firm boundaries doable. I will have to read again after some practice, but I will happily do that

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good. Helpful.

[Auntbeast · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend!

[Nick Jordan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic work to meet a great need. Highly recommended, especially for pastors, but other helpers would probably benefit too.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a very good resource for anyone who struggles with saying no. It helps us name and claim the reality that when we are obsessed with being liked, we are not effective leaders, and we are probably making ourselves and others unhappy. The book is geared toward pastors, but it's useful for just about anyone.

[Chelsey Hillyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wonderfully concise book on systems theory and pastoral leadership that really helped me name (again) how family of origin roles impact pastoral ministry, and to develop effective ways to set boundaries.

[Cathy Hasty · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book for clergy. Many will say they are too busy to read...therefore the ones that need it most may not use it.

[Catharine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Better than average as these sorts of clergy self-improvement sorts of books go. Would be more useful in a group than just read alone.

[April Yamasaki · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book explores boundary training that moves beyond preventing sexual misconduct to focus more positively on releasing pastoral excellence and promoting congregational vitality. It includes practical examples, questions for reflection, encouragement and tips to organize a clergy or other ministry group, and a workshop outline for boundary-awareness training. See my full review of this excellent resource: Boundary Training that Moves Beyond Sexual Misconduct Problems.