Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families

by Leslie Morgan Steiner (Editor)

With motherhood comes one of the toughest decisions of a woman’s Stay at home or pursue a career? The dilemma not only divides mothers into hostile, defensive camps but pits individual mothers against themselves. Leslie Morgan Steiner has been there. As an executive at The Washington Post, a writer, and mother of three, she has lived and breathed every side of the “mommy wars.” Rather than just watch the battles rage, Steiner decided to do something about it. She commissioned twenty-six outspoken mothers to write about their lives, their families, and the choices that have worked for them. The result is a frank, surprising, and utterly refreshing look at American motherhood.

Ranging in age from twenty-five to seventy-two and scattered across the country from New Hampshire to California, these mothers reflect the full spectrum of lifestyle choices. Women who have been home with the kids from day one, moms who shuttle from full-time office jobs to part-time at-home work, hard-driving executives who put in seventy-hour-plus they all get a turn. The one thing these women have in common, aside from having kids, is that they’re all terrific writers.

Pulitzer Prize winner Jane Smiley vividly recounts how her generation stormed the American workplace–only to take refuge at home when the workplace drove them out. Lizzie McGuire creator Terri Minsky describes what it felt like to hear her kids scream “I hope you never come back!” when she flew to L.A. to launch the show that made her career. Susan Cheever, novelist, biographer, and Newsday columnist, reports on the furious battles between the stroller pushers and the briefcase bearers on the streets of Manhattan. Lois R. Shea traded the journalistic fast track for a house in the country where she could raise her daughter in peace. Ann Misiaszek Sarnoff, chief operating officer of the Women’s National Basketball Association, argues fiercely that you can combine ambition and motherhood–and have a blast in the process.

Candid, engaging, by turns unflinchingly honest and painfully funny, the essays collected here offer an astonishingly intimate portrait of the state of motherhood today. Mommy Wars is a book by and for and about the real experts on motherhood and hard the women at home, in the office, on the job every day of their lives.

Including these

“Neither Here nor There” by Sandy Hingston
“The Mother Load” by Terri Minsky
“Sharks and Jets” by Page Evans
“Baby Battle” by Susan Cheever
“Guilty” by Dawn Drzal
“The Donna Reed Syndrome” by Lonnae O’Neal Parker
“Mother Superior” by Catherine Clifford
“Good Enough” by Beth Brophy
“Big House, Little House, Back House, Barn” by Lois R. Shea
“What Goes Unsaid” by Sydney Trent
“I Hate Everybody” by Leslie Lehr
“Before; After” by Molly Jong-Fast
“I Do Know How She Does It” by Ann Misiaszek Sarnoff
“Red Boots and Cole Haans” by Monica Buckley Price
“Working Mother, Not Guilty” by Sara Nelson
“Feminism Meets the Free Market” by Jane Smiley
“Happy” by Anne Marie Feld
“I Never Dreamed I’d Have So Many Children” by Lila Leff
“On Being a Radical Feminist Stay-at-Home Mom” by Inda Schaenen
“Being There” by Reshma Memon Yaqub
“Russian Dolls” by Veronica Chambers
“Peace and Carrots” by Carolyn Hax
“Unprotected” by Natalie Smith Parra
“Julia” by Anna Fels
“On Balance” by Jane Juska
“My Baby’s Feet Are Size 13” by Iris Krasnow

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Sociology, Womens, Feminism, Essays

346 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2006

About the author

I am the author of four books:

The New York Times bestselling memoir about relationship abuse, Crazy Love
The anthology Mommy Wars
The Baby Chase, which explores infertility and surrogacy
My latest memoir, The Naked Truth, which explores female sexuality, self-esteem and dating after 50.

One of the best things I ever did was from 2006-2008 I wrote over 500 columns for the Washington Post’s popular on-line work/family column, “On Balance.”

I have a BA in English from Harvard College. My first job was writing for Seventeen Magazine. After graduating from Wharton in 1992 with an MBA in Marketing, I spent 10 years at Johnson & Johnson, launching Splenda Brand Sweetener from Argentina to Australia to Dubai. I returned to my hometown of Washington, DC in 2001 to become General Manager of the 1.1 million-circulation Washington Post Magazine, a job I loved for five years, until the demands of juggling work and raising kids prompted my return to fulltime writing.

I've been a guest on The Today Show, National Public Radio, ABC, NBC, CBS, and cable news networks. After appearing three nights in a row on Anderson Cooper 360, I had a dream that he asked me to become his sole heterosexual lover (I accepted). I've appeared in Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Elle, Parents, Self, Vogue, Vanity Fair, The Los Angeles Times, and CNN.com. I speak about 30 times a year on how end family violence. My 2012 TEDTalk about domestic violence, which was curated by a friend from second grade, has been viewed by over five million people, and in 2014 I completed my second TEDTalk exploring the ethics of global surrogacy on the stage of the Kennedy Center in Washington, DC. I am a board member for the One Love Foundation, in honor of slain University of Virginia senior Yeardley Love.

I divide my time between Washington, DC, New York, New Hampshire, and anywhere else in the world I'm lucky enough to be invited to visit.

Reviews

[Skylar Burris]

I don't think I'm going to finish this before it's due at the library; in fact, I might not get much past the introduction. In reading the editor's introduction, I have to wonder about the kinds of stay-at-home moms she asked to contribute to this volume. She says that although she doesn't understand stay-at-home moms, she's at least generous enough to pity them for feeling so stuck. (I exaggerate, but not by much.) I don't think her lack of understanding really stems from the differences between women who wish to work and those who wish to stay at home, but rather from different ways of viewing marriage.

In her introduction, the editor seems to assume that if a woman does not earn an income, she must therefore have (or feel she has) little or no say in major decisions that affect the family. I'm sorry, but it's not money or an independent income that gives a woman the right (or power) to have a "say" in major family decisions in a marriage, it's respect: it's the mutual belief that a husband and wife are one unit and must operate according to what is best for the team and not the individual. The idea that a couple would make mutual decisions together as a single unit based on what would be best for strengthening the marriage and best for rearing the children, and not based on what he deserves or what she deserves—on what gives him power or gives her power—on what fulfills her or what fulfills him--seems not to have occurred to her. The idea that a husband and a wife are not two people but one, so that her money is his money and his money is her money, so that the couple's choices can be aimed to maximize the prosperity and free time of the family as a whole, without concern for who is making what, and with a sense of equal contribution and equal importance regardless of individual income, does not seem to occur to her. Thus, I have the sense that, noble though her goal may be, she isn't going to present any kind of stay-at-home motherhood I can relate to, and, if her moneyed, nanny-populated bubble is any indication, she probably isn't going to present any working motherhood I can relate to either.

I can understand the working mothers I know personally, but the editor's need to work seems to be driven by bad examples and bad experiences of marriage more than by what's necessarily good for her kids or necessary for her personal economic situation. Her father divorced her mother; her mother was an unhappy stay-at-home drunk; her first husband beat her violently, and her second husband didn't take her concerns into account until she threatened to run off to the East coast with the kids. Of course she doesn't understand stay-at-home moms, but then, she doesn't really understand stable marriages either. The working moms I know? They probably wouldn't feel, like her, horribly oppressed by being asked to move with their husbands to the unenlightened "arctic tundra" of Minneapolis so that they could have a massive family income and millions of dollars in stock options.

Whether to work or stay at home is a hard choice for any woman to make in today's world, but I don't think this book is aimed at how to make that choice. This doesn't seem like it's going to be a book about how to deal with that difficult issue so much as a book about how awful it is to be a woman in this patriarchal world, and I can do without that.

[Ellen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I bought this book at a time when I was on the edge of quitting my paycheck-bearing job for the job of a stay-at-home-mom, and was hoping it would help me feel less alone in the choices I was facing. Hahahahahaha. First of all, most of the mothers who wrote essays in this book are in the publishing industry and have extremely flexible schedules or the choice to work from home. Second, at least half, if not more, are famous writers/essayists and don't "need" to work for money. It seems, leaving their paying jobs is more of a personal choice than financial choice. The other half are wealthy by other means and, again, aren't grappling with the choice of "would I rather give up cable TV or work?". The kicker of this book is that, because of their industry, the women who decide to be SAHMs still have the opportunity to freelance for money when they feel like it. And those who decide to work have kick-ass hired help. On the other hand, I think that the essays are well-written and full of emotion that any mother can identify with. I just think it was ill-advised to call the book a face-off about the choice between working and staying home. I felt it was more a collection of power-players in the publishing industry discussing how to balance children and a job at the same time.

[Myriah · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was terribly disappointing. Rather than an insightful collection of stories from all different women struggling to make peace with motherhood and their place in the world, it was a repetitive and flat collection of essays I didn't even bother to finish. Steiner doesn't bother to seek out women far from her circle of upper class New York and DC friends. It comes off as feminism at its worst; the authors sound like a bunch of whiny rich white women who have the privilege to dally between their careers and their responsibilities at home. Almost all the women are writers and are able to work part time from home. I had to wonder if Steiner couldn't find any other women for this book. Surely there have to be successful career women and homemakers who can write without being employed as mothers? There are a few African American women who contribute, but their essays are heavily marked as the "diversity perspective" which barely adds much to this whitewash homogeneous collection. Not only was it lacking in a diversity of perspectives, but all the women fail to engage with the role of their children's fathers in shaping their options. By not addressing this other half of the equation, and why it's never questioned that men can work professionally and be good fathers, the authors don't bother to really examine their situation outside of whiny rants about not being taken seriously at cocktail parties.
It's a missed opportunity for a closer examination of the expectations for women as mothers, the way their choices are judged by each other and the world, and why men never get run through the same gamut.

[Rachael · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read a review of this book in The Atlantic Monthly a year or so ago (I read it awhile ago) and decided to read it. The essays were all very well written and nicely composed, but I had trouble identifying with or feeling sorry for those poor stay-at-home moms whose nannies couldn't control the children, and whose maids kept interrupting them while they were writing the article for the collection. What a travesty!

In other words, the idea behind this book was excellent, but they need some REAL stay-at-home moms to round it out, not women for whom staying at home really equates to having a nanny watch the children while they play tennis, go to the stylist, and have a daily pedicure.

The other major problem with this collection is its very limited perspective. Most of the authors are in publishing or journalism, most of them are white, and most of them appear to live in NYC's wealthiest district. Some of the strategies that they advocate for stay-at-home mothers simply aren't feasible for the rest of America.

Despite these drawbacks, I do recommend it--it really made me do some soul-searching about the kind of mother I am and need to be. It was interesting to see that none of the women were advocating stay-at-home vs. working-mom, even though that was the focus of the collection. Instead, it ended up being a sort of "how do you adapt your circumstances so that you are the best mother possible, what does being a good mother entail, how can you 'do everything right' and still feel incompetent, how do you overcome that, etc." kind of thing. One of my favorite quotes thus far stated simply that "the currency of love is time."

It's also nice to read what very highly educated, very talented, very ambitious and driven women have to say about the tradeoff between careers and/or children. I felt like I could really identify with these authors and that they were struggling with the same issues I'm dealing with, i.e. we belong to the I Got An Advanced Degree to Stay Home with My Kids club. And they're working out the ramifications of this decision just like I am, without being overbearing on either side of the issue.

[Ashley Ward · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, I'll start with the things I didn't like about this book: (1) all the essays were written by wealthy women, all of whom had significant resources at their disposal and were able to make decisions purely based on the desires of themselves, their spouses and their children. The editor missed an opportunity to share perspectives from women who either made a major financial sacrifice to stay at home, or who were financially unable to stay at home. But okay, this book is for people for whom working/developing a career outside the home is a choice. I'm lucky, that includes me. (2) all the essays were written by women who had a significant amount of flexibility in terms of maintaining career options even if they chose to stay at home. Most of the women were writers or publishers, who had the option of keeping "one foot in the game" even if they largely chose to stay at home with their children. None of them actually "sacrificed" their entire career. The editor thus missed a chance to describe some of the personal, family and professional ramifications of developing a career and then letting it go for good. (3) all the essays were from women who still were in the thick of raising children. The editor thus missed a chance to really let us hear about the long-term consequences for women who chose to stay at home with their children rather than continue to develop a career. We also didn't get to hear from their children. (4) the very writing and publishing of the book (and my reading of it) helps to perpetuate the 'myth' that stay-at-home and work-outside-the-home mothers are at war with each other. Some are. Many aren't. (5) many of the writers rubbed me the wrong way. But I think that's part of the point.

All of that said, I'm glad I read the book. I have had conversations with stay-at-home mothers in which they've made it clear that they think I'm wrong, and selfish, and hurting my child(ren) for "prioritizing my career over my children". I've had conversations with other working mothers in which I've left the conversation thinking, "wow, that person REALLY prioritizes her career over her children". I've also had conversations with stay-at-home mothers after which I've thought "jeez, why are they focusing so much on their children and being such martyrs?". This book make me realize that all of those thoughts are not good, and that I need to do whatever I can to eliminate them from my life.

This book tries to argue that mothers everywhere ought to give each other a break already, and recognize that there is no one right way to do things that is the same for every family. And that everyone is trying to do what they think is best to maximize the happiness of the entire family. What good does it do for us to judge each other? The only reason I can think of to judge someone else's actions is because you feel uncomfortable with your own decisions and are trying to make yourself feel better and more confident that you are doing the right thing. I took away from this book that I need to stop making assumptions and judgements about other families based on imperfect information, or even perfect information, and instead, focus on finding ways to be supportive of other women, no matter what decisions they make.

Because we ALL want to feel like we are doing right by ourselves, our spouses, and our children. I can help other mothers most by being supportive, by asking questions and learning what they are trying to do to make themselves and their children happy, and by helping them get there, instead of tearing them down for making different decisions than I did. The more mothers that feel and act this way the better, right?

[Ciara · Rating 3 out of 5]

i got about halfway through the introduction & then wondered why the hell i was reading this book. it's all essays from women about why they chose to stay at home with their kids or why they chose to go back to work or why they chose to cobble together some in-between situation, & how they feel about women who have made other choices, etc etc etc. but i'm on disability. which means i kind of have to stay home, because i am not able to work. & i've been disabled for so long that i am kind of over the angst. but i still get a check, which eliminates one of the biggest issues that seems to vex stay-at-home mothers: not having an independent income, being dependent on a partner for financial support. basically the whole "mommy war" question is just completely irrelevant to me.

but i soldiered on & read the whole book because i like reading essays about parenting. it wasn't bad. it probably would have been far more interesting to someone grappling with the decision of whether to stay home or go back to work. i'm sure it would be even more fascinating to someone living in washington DC because every goddamn contributer in this book lived in washington (okay, not really, but it was awfully repetitive, & obviously speaks to the small cohort that was invited to contribute, or heard about the book & wrote something up before the deadline).

of course some of the authors got unnecessarily judge-y, in my opinion, &/or said stuff that i found problematic. but that's the nature of the mommy wars, right? the whole problem is that it's all judge-y & people get super defensive about things that are more or less just a matter of opinion or priority or lifestyle or whatever. i can't imagine who i would recommend this book to, as i don't really hobnob with too many wealthy, professional women, & some of the crap in this book seemed really dated in the face of the economic collapse, but i guess i'm not sorry i read it. now there's a ringing endorsement, eh?

[Holly · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was so torn as I read this book. I could see why working moms choose to work and feel its best and why stay at home moms feel its best to stay at home. I wish we lived in a country where the society, culture and industry made it easier for women to work and balance a family. However, we don't. And I still feel after reading this that children are missing something when their moms choose to work. One women astually thought the guilt she felt when she left her chilren was a result of children who manipulated her to fell guilty! Another working mom was angered by a stay at home mom who referred to herself as a "Full time mom" as if the working mom was not. Well, I think when you choose to work outside the home and leave parenting to someone else for the majority of the time- you are NOT a full time mom.
Regardless of my opinion, the point of the book is to try and help both sides better understand the other. But the only thing I seemed to understand more clearly is first, that working moms still look down on stay at home moms as if we are sub class to be so stupid to stay home and waste our education or talent- or worse that we just don't have any talent to begin with so we must stay home. The second thing I noticed as I read is that the essays by the working moms the theme was "Whats good for me" and the theme of the stay at home moms was "Whats good for my child" Hmmmm

My complaint about the book itself is that just about all of the essays were by women in the upper middle class, to upper class and most of the working moms were in one of the "mom-friendly" industries- writing. So I didn't feel like I was getting a REAL sampling.

[Anne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I started off raving about this book to others, but as I got deeper into it, I started to realize that all the stories were a little too similar. I think this book had great potential--if only the editor had gone beyond her comfort zone and circle of colleagues in order to find a more diverse assortment of authors.

For starters, all of the women in the book pretty much have jobs which are very flexible. They can work from home or in the office, they can work 60 weeks or 40 hour weeks or some can manage on even 30 hour weeks. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a job that provides so many options.

Secondly, not a single one of the authors worked because they HAD to. They had a choice in the matter--their lives could have continued (albeit differently) if they chose not to work. Some of us do not have the luxury of such a choice. I was anxiously hoping to find an essay written by a mother who struggled with the fact that she needed to work in order to keep her family financially afloat, who felt ostracized by her peers who stayed a home and didn't understand, who felt torn between her children and her obligation to her job.

I wouldn't recommend this book anymore.

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this book fascinating and hard to put down, but very different from what it is purported to be. For one, the many essays from moms, both working and stay-at-home, are supposed to represent the choices all mothers face and the conflicts, yet almost without exception, each author is very affluent. Even the very few stay-at-home moms live in an alternate reality, one where baby nurses, nannies, housekeepers, expensive lessons, etc. are a matter of course. That issue has been dealt with very well by this review in the Atlantic, however, so I won't go into it at great depth: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200605....

I have several issues with this book:
1. I found no one in it that would represent any of the many strong, committed, mothers I know, both working and otherwise. I realized why, as I read in Steiner's conclusion that she rejected any submissions where the submitter said, "We're doing great, my family is great, my kids are great, my husband is great." She wanted something realer than that. Which is why she included so many conflicted, angry women I suppose. The many mothers I know, working or not, do not engage in catfights over their status or those of others. They make peace with the decisions they've had to make, put their children first, and probably would write an essay that would have been rejected by Steiner. It seemed her point was to fan the flames and find conflict where often there isn't.

2. There were very, very few stay-at-home moms and even those who were supposed to represent that category were writers or part-time workers. In fact, almost all of the contributers were writers, which makes for well-written essays but not for relatable moms. None of the working moms HAD to work because of economics, so that aspect of working was not explored at all.

3. So many of the women wanted someone to blame for their guilt or issues, from men (they don't have to choose between working a career or being a good dad; they don't feel conflicted the way we do; they don't pull their fair share or get up at night with the baby when we're breastfeeding) to society (my work isn't valued), to feminism (it didn't go far enough, make men the same as women, or make sure that everyone had access to quality child care) to the government (universal day care ought to be a right) to business (they used to subsidize child care in the form of the SAH moms of their employees, but now they don't do enough to pay for child care). So many authors had a picture of utopian society where they could choose to do whatever they wanted, and "society" (whoever that is) would provide whatever it was they thought was needed. So many women, who had chosen freely to become mothers, then wanted someone to blame for the fact that they had to make tough choices and couldn't have it all. "Free me from the consequences and the guilt of my choice," was the unwritten message in many of the essays.

4. Going along with point #3, Nearly all the women seemed incredibly selfish, whether they were working or staying at home. There were a few paragraphs here and there about what was best for kids, but mostly it was all about being "fulfilled," "contributing," "being successful," and what would make the MOTHER happy. Very little was said about the very real obligations that come when you choose to be a mother. Sacrifice, nurturing, and responsibility were hardly mentioned. So many had incorporated feminism so deeply into their psyche that they really believe that life is all about them and their choices. My life. My choice. My happiness. My need for quality child care. My anger at another who dares to criticize my choices. My successful career. The idea of sacrificing for others, whether their husband or their children, was completely foreign.

5. One mother, who proudly proclaimed that she never felt guilty about working, then went on to say that she delegated everything but the "important things" to the nanny. She went to all the school plays, the parent-teacher conferences, the big stuff, and left everything else to someone else. As a mother myself, to seven little children, I can say that her philosophy, which probably gives her a false sense of pride in her mothering, is flat-out wrong. The big things aren't the most important; it's the little thing that are -- being there at the crossroads, spending time doing routine things, developing relationships, being there when your child has a bad day or is confronted by dilemma.

6. Many of the problems the authors railed against, casting it as the failure of society or feminism or the conflict between working and staying at home, were actually caused by other factors. In the introduction, Steiner tells the story of having to move to a town she hated and wasn't as good for her kids because of her husband's job. After she wasn't successful in convincing her husband to move back, she got a better-paying job and told him she was leaving with the kids. He followed, and therefore, she writes, she HAD to work, so she could have more say in the decisions. Further, she feels sorry for all us poor stay at home moms who have no control over where or how we live. WHAT? I think if there are issues about where to live or what jobs a husband takes, then that is a marriage problem, not a working versus staying at home. My husband and I have always made decisions together based on what is best for our whole family.

7. One of the most annoying, but most common, sentiments in the book was this: We're all making the best choice for our situations. No one's choice is better than another's. We're all wonderful. No one should ever judge another woman's choice. This kind of relativism is just garbage. The fact is that some choices are better for children than others and it IS very important for us to consider the ramifications of our choice when we make it.

[Diane Morris · Rating 3 out of 5]

It must be nice to have it all . . . and the women in this anthology DO have it all. They all have the option of full-time work (they're all married or financially independant), part-time work, working from home, free-lancing or simply chucking work altogether. What bliss that would be!

This book simply confirms my opinion that people from New York City are truly strange. The so-called 'Mommy Wars' phenomena appears to affect only upper-class and upper-middle-class people; between those people with the economic freedom to have one parent not have a job-based income and those people with the same economic freedom but who chose to NOT have a stay at home parent.

It's well-written (all contributors are profession writers/authors/editors) and some essays are poignant and touching. But take your time about reading this book because after about 3 essays, they start sounding the same.

[Caitlin · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is about the conflict between working and stay at home moms. I have mixed feelings about this book. I liked the multiple perspectives and take home messages about motherhood and parenting. I did not like that many of the "stay at home" moms either had full or part time babysitter/nannies, most of them worked at least part time or from home, and that most of the contributors had gobs of money so their decisions were more self driven rather than financially driven. Also, some of the women in th essay were so selfish it made me crazy. But, it is a good read for those of us who have or are about to have kids and considering the pros and cons of stay at home vs. working parenting. Don't expect to feel better about your decision after treading this.

[Pamela · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to a certain group of moms... those who have the option to stay at home and raise their children or to pursue a career. I would have preferred more variety in the background of the women, as almost all are upper-middle class and were able to choose to stay at home if they wanted to. Also, all the women were writers, and many had the option to work part-time from home, which isn't realistic for many people. I wanted to hear from working mothers in a variety of professions. The essays by mothers are well-written and explore the different feelings mothers have about raising their children and pursuing careers. I didn't find any women who echoed my own sentiments, that I would like to be home with my son, but we can't afford it right now.

[Rudy · Rating 1 out of 5]

when i first started reading this, i was annoyed to no end. i feel like motherhood/working has enough stress in real life without analyzing every single aspect of it. i continued reading it because a couple of the essays were all right, and now, i no longer feel annoyed. Now my overwhelming feeling is, "who cares?" First of all, the moms are almost all the same: upper middle class part-time or full-time writers who anguish in varying degrees about staying home or working. i would have liked to see different professions, different cultures and ethnicities, and mostly people who didn't seem so smug and/or whiny.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Indeed, fiercely honest, and at times very moving. I found this book to be profoundly validating for my choice, and it probably does so for either choice. I believe this book is about supporting what each individual woman wants instead of following along with what is politically correct. My favorite quote... "I couldn't, for one second, fathom going back to work. It wasn't an intellectual decision. I didn't think about financial dependence, or losing prime years of my career, or what it would feel like to be home day after day. I just wanted to be next to her far more than I wanted anything else."

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

loved it. you read it and basically discover you are screwed no matter what choice you make. hahaha

[Lydia Kass · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I learned: it doesn't matter if you worked full time or stayed home or worked part-time, we all do our best and there is No Need to Feel Guilty about any of it.

It's society that's screwed up and until men start carrying their child raising duties to equal the time that women put in and until women's salaries are commensurate to men's for the same job, things will stay skewed.

[Chris Wilby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very courageous to attempt to analyse which way is better, conclusion happy mum makes happy kids.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

So I can't say that I hated this book, nor can I really say that I enjoyed it.. I am being somewhat generous giving 3 stars in that I would have liked to give it 2.5 for my 1/2 and 1/2 feelings towards it.

First of all I will say this - the essays and personal experiences were a little... homogenous. Yes, homogenous is a great word for how they read. All the stories are strikingly similar (although they are described as being very very different by Leslie Steiner). The vast majority are written by, well, writers. Individuals who make or made their living in writing and publishing. While this is great for them, I struggle to see their struggle. Where are the other working mother's points of view? Where are the doctors and lawyers and teachers and etc. etc. There are so many other careers and professions that were not represented in this book; likewise almost all of the moms who chose to be stay-at-home used to be in writing and publishing too. I guess the main issue I have here is the complete lack of diversity in perspective outside of the writing and publishing game.

My second issue is that this view that is presented from the year 2007 seems already outdated. As a working mother myself in a profession that >is not writing< I can't say that I related to any of the struggles that these other women present. I have never once thought I wouldn't go back to work after having my little one, and I have never once judged another mother's choice about staying home. The other mom's that I know don't seem (at least from outside appearance) to be any more judgmental towards me or other mother's that they know. A lot of the essays were written by women who gave off a "snobbish" vibe that their own life choices were somehow better or "less judgy" than the other moms they have encountered. Or maybe they are just projecting? Maybe they are just echoing a supposed social issue that really doesn't exist.

I think in my mind the book just never really covered any mom specific issues. It was never really about the "stay at home" vs the "career" moms in the first place. It has always just boiled down to the same old issue that women in general judge each other and compare their lives based on any data point that they can.

I guess I just found this book to be a bit too repetitive. I'd say to those considering reading it that it is not very enlightening - save your money. If you're interested in talking about these types of issues just have a conversation with your friends - I think that you'll find that most moms are just too busy to really care what other moms do at the end of they day regardless of if they work outside of the home or not.

[Zoey · Rating 3 out of 5]

As many other reviewers have noted, this collection is not really an exploration of the judgments working moms and stay at home moms wield in dramatic defense of their own choices. Rather than use the title, "Mommy Wars," it would have been more accurate to characterize the book as a collection of essays in which women who have achieved a significant degree of success in their professional lives (either in terms of money or position) write about their personal experiences of motherhood.

What I found most valuable about these essays is the way each woman navigates her new, complex identity as a mother, where before she was an independent modern woman making her own choices when it came to relationships, work, and lifestyle. Many of these essays have lovely and insightful turns of phrase that helped me to speculate on the feelings and decisions that could be in my future.

However, I read this book with the hope of being able to apply its insights to my personal situation, and in that respect alone, it was largely unhelpful. My own decision to work or stay home will be influenced by my (unique?) situation: unlike the majority of the essayists, my loving and engaged husband (and co-parent) will make this decision with me. Our age, our close friendships, the models provided by other families in our proximity, our career and life aspirations, our faith, our dreams for our children--all of these things will, to some degree, play into the decisions we make as a family toward where we invest and where we cut back.

While a few individual contributors delve into a few of these issues, the collection in large part might be summarized as a group of women who made the decision largely with respect to preserving their own identities as women. It's difficult to explain why this model can't be transferred to my life. I may try to look for another book that might be more applicable for women who are wrestling with this decision in similar ways that I am.

While the editor's contribution was the weakest of all of the essays, I did appreciate and draw strength from the reflections of the women in this collection. Their best insights cut across class, geographic, and generational lines to highlight the ways in which these choices, and the process of raising children, have a profound impact on the women we are and are becoming. These elements are common to women everywhere, and it is this human element that is most exciting when faced with the daunting prospect of the myriad choices of motherhood.

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book made me wonder anew why collections of personal essays tend to make for such mediocre reading. This book, enthusiastically recommended for our book club by a few of our members, deals with a provocative topic -- what mother wouldn't be interested in reading about working mothers vs. stay-at-home mothers duking it out over their respective choices? After all, I think every mother has dealt with this issue on some level, even if their actual choice was a foregone conclusion.

However, the essays themselves felt repetitive, stream-of-consciousness, and sometimes pointless. I didn't feel like they stuck to the topic or offered any original insights. Most of the women were happy with the choices they had made, agreed with the need to stop judging other mothers (while subtly and not-so-subtly touting the superiority of their own lifestyle), acknowledged the counter-stereotypical existence of both devoted working mothers and neglectful stay-at-home mothers, etc., etc. Although some of the essays occasionally stimulated or touched me (and one angered me), I mostly didn't feel like I was learning anything new or altering my own opinions on this topic.

This is not the first time I've read a collection of personal essays and felt this way. I wonder why. Are editors limited by the availability of good essays on a given topic? Do they judge quality writing differently than I do? Or is the genre inherently limited?

I remember reading a review on a documentary about soul music which complained that the filmmaker had only included one "A-list" musician, as if his budget had only allowed him to interview musicians who hadn't achieved a lot of fame. I wondered whether this was a valid criticism. Does the fact that the filmmaker only had access to less famous musicians mean that the documentary wasn't worth making? Do people only want to watch a documentary about the history of soul-music if it includes their favorite musicians? Similarly, should a collection of personal essays on a given topic only be published if the essays are all punchy and revolutionary, as opposed to merely reflecting someone's experience?

Maybe my problem was that I read the book from start to finish, as opposed to picking it up and putting it down over a long period, interspersing it with other books.

[Anita Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I know it's getting a lot of mixed reviews from other readers, but I have to say, I liked it. Yes, the representation of mothers here is extremely skewed- they're all upper-middle-class esteemed writing professionals, the majority of whom were married to equally- if not more successful- partners, were college graduates, etc. But to be fair, I felt that the editor does preface this in the introduction, so you knew that going in. And many of the writers acknowledged in their essays how lucky they were to even have the option to decide whether to be a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, because for every one woman that has the priviledge to decide, there are at 100 who do not even have the option (probably even more, that's a totally blind guess). Some of the writers expressed that even felt the extra guilt for having the luxury to make a decision like that in the first place.

That being said, I enjoyed the essays. They were so personal and raw, tackling one of the most sensitive subjects to a woman- whether she is a good mother or not. Each writer expressed the pros and cons to both sides, no matter which "side" she was on, and how her decision to work or stay at home full-time worked for her family, what didn't work, what she regretted, what she didn't regret.

Not being a mother myself, I had no idea that there was so much animosity between stay-at-home mothers and working mothers (one of the writers compared it to the Sharks and the Jets from West Side Story). Although now that I've read the book, I suppose it makes sense in a way as to why they feel the need to rally against each other. But it's unfortunate that they stand divided, because no matter what they do for a living, they are all mothers, all with (hopefully) the same common goal- to raise happy and healthy children.

I will say that I did not understand why one of the essays was written by a woman with no children. Seeing as it was a book about women writing about their experiences of working/not working and the effects that might/might not have on their children, I didn't really understand what her essay was doing in the bunch.

I thought it was a great book that gave me a lot of perspective on motherhood in today's society. I picked this up for $2 at a book sale and I'm very glad I did!

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I heard Leslie Morgan Steiner on "The Diane Rehm Show" on WYPR.

***

Working mothers call stay-at-home moms lazy and without ambition. Stay-at-home mothers call working mothers selfish and neglectful.

What's really going on is that most people feel guilty and insecure about the choices they've made. Instead of facing the complicated reality that all choices have advantages and disadvantages, it's easier to tell yourself that you've made the Right choice by pointing out the failings of anyone who's made a different choice, which must be the Wrong choice.

One of the conclusions of this book is that whether you work or not has no bearing on whether you're a good mom or not (whereas whether you're happy or not does), but that seems to me to me no solution to the problem: the specifics may have changed, but we're left with the general framework that we can make ourselves feel better by saying, "At least I'm not as bad as Those Other Moms!"

The book includes a few essays by women who haven't had children yet, which provides nice context. In the same spirit, I wish a few essays by fathers had been included, to provide further much-needed context. The idea of the challenges of "having it all" is an idea society exclusively applies to women: no one views a full-time job as an impediment to being a good father (and, in fact, many models of good fatherhood require the ability to provide for the material needs of your family). I would have loved some insight into why that's the case, and I think a few essays by working and non-working fathers reflecting on what parenting means to them versus what it means to their spouses would have been really helpful. In the same vein, the perspectives of parents in same-sex relationships would have added useful context, too.


The best advice in this book comes from Sara Nelson in "Working Mother, Not Guilty": "Those traveling with small children should put the oxygen over their own nose and mouth before assisting other passengers."

[Sonja Isaacson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is SO INCREDIBLY poorly done. The idea is that she has a bunch of mom's write about their experience as either a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. Steiner writes the introduction and basically bashes staying at home as being an option for her, and apparently she lived in an apartment on Lake Calhoun for a year. And hated it. Nothing good to say about her time in the city here, and from what she wrote, didn't try to meet people or get involved in anything, just hung about hating Minnesota and then forcing her family to move to DC. So yeah I started out on a bad foot with the book. Then I find my next problem. Almost every woman works in journalism or publishing. Hmm. Could she not have tried to find people outside that field? Yes, she wants people who can write but geez apparently people who are teachers/assitants/techs/health care professionals just aren't literary enough. Also, almost all of the "at-home" moms have a nanny that regularly comes AND they are either regular contributors to magazines or newspapers or are book authors. To me, this is not the same as a "stay-at-home" parent. Yes, they are AT HOME, but really they are WORKING from home and are not the caregiver during the working period. So there should be another category. I did enjoy the tales from Molly Jong-Fast (who was pregnant, and therefore neither type of mom) and Jane Smiley (who would be in her late 50s I believe). And yes, now I have a list of people to find more works by. So it was interesting to read, but I don't think the premise of the book works. (Additionally, most of them are also East Coasters.) Oh, and Carolyn Hax is a bitch. Though I probably already knew that.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was okay, but I honestly got bored about half way in. So many of the essays seemed to say basically the same thing and it became redundant. This is exacerbated by the fact that almost all the essayists live (or lived) in the same general geographic area (the East coast), same socio-economic status (upper-middle class if not wealthy) and are in the same industry (publishing or journalism). With free lancing, etc. it is one of the most flexible fields for working moms. It would have been nice to have some essays from true full-time moms (not stay at home moms who free-lance and/or have nannies, etc.) and from working moms in fields like medicine, law, business, etc. Not to mention some representation from middle America.

Overall, I was disappointed and didn't see myself or my circumstances reflected in any of the essays - this made the book come across more as "look what well-educated Yankee women can do in a very flexible field" rather than something identifiable to me and the choices I face in deciding when to have children and how to raise them.

I would not recommend this book. I think for women interested in this topic they would find as good if not better information from the myriad mommy blogs and message boards than by reading this book.

That said, if you like essay collections, you might get some enjoyment out of this.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book of essays by mothers discussing their choice to either stay at home or work outside the home, Mommy Wars was well-written and honest. However, as I was absorbing the very strong feelings of these essayists, I couldn't help but think that the debate is so "yesterday" and does it even apply today? Women work, women have babies, families all over the world make decisions relative to finances, career, child-raising. Many of the authors were older, looking back on times when women were harshly judged when they worked and when stay at home moms were bored and unfulfilled. I appreciated the honest sentiments of the authors but wondered if they all just overthought the whole issue too much (which can happen when you're given a topic to explore). Women have evolved!

However, then I stumbled upon a political chat board and saw, in the midst of intelligent discussion, a thread that was just as venomous and judgmental as anything these essayists could have remembered. The subject? Hillary Clinton, to some, the most selfish, horrible mother who ever lived. Oh, and if you want to argue that her daughter seems to be a fine, well-adjusted, smart, loving person, the credit goes to her nannies.

Some people have a long way to go.

[Meredith H · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this book up because my husband and I have been discussing the possibility of children in the near future, and I wanted some perspective on the work vs. staying at home debate. I found the book very enlightening, especially regarding how much I can expect my life to change when that day comes. I felt like I was visiting a club that I'm not yet allowed to join.
The issue I have with this book is that almost every single contributor is a writer. While that makes for well written essays, it does not present a fair picture of the choices most women must make regarding the work/home issue. For most of the contributors, working from home with flexible hours really was a viable option. That is not the case with a great many careers (including mine). I would have been nice for the editor to find some contributors who were not previously published, just for a more balanced perspective.
Also - If you decide to read this, be aware that the essay by Price contains a fairly graphic description of the kind of complicated birth that women used to die from. I became physically ill while reading it.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was very interesting to read, and well-written at that. However, it claims to be a diverse mix of stay at home and career mothers, of various situations. It was a fairly wide range of ages, but the 26 different women where mostly middle-class to upper-middle class, white and married. Most are also professional writers of some kind or another, careers that have way more flexibility than most others. And largely the group was dominated by working mothers, only a couple where true stay at home moms without outside help. Several of the women's essays seemed extremely selfish, mostly focused on their own whims instead of their children and almost completely ignored any mention of their children's father/their husband. A couple of the women seemed to openly blame their young children for making them feel guilty for leaving them in day care or with babysitters. One even told her son if abortion had been legal when he was conceived, she would have had one. I wish more about their children and husbands would have been included, since the working vs. staying home question does not just affect the women but the whole family that they chose to have.

[KATY · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, I'm not planning on kids in the near future, but eventually we do want to have kids. The idea behind this book seems really good, Let's get together some women who stay home, some who work full-time, some who work part-time, and they can explain how these things work for them and what didn't work, etc.... In reality, most of the women who wrote essays are writers. They have similar types of jobs. A lot of them now do free-lance writing from home while taking care of the kids. Their stories seemed way too much alike to actually be effective at seeing different perspectives. Most of them feel too starved for social interaction to stay at home all the time, and most of them feel too overwhelmed to work all the time. Not exactly shocking news. As my friend pointed out, the title and cover of the book book sort of promises judgemental essays by women opposing eachother. That's really not what is inside. They all seem to admit that it's a personal choice and not only one side is right, you've got to figure out your own balance.

[Colleen Chi-Girl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read parts of this book when it first came out (2 years ago) and honestly only remember distinctly Monica Holloway's essay - which was incredibly honest, funny, and eye-opening about her child, his separation anxiety, her own sep. anxiety, and autism/aspberger's syndrome. She has a wonderful, easy to read style, that is honest and often self-decprecating, and I didn't want to put it down.

I also just finished (well almost) reading Monica Holloway's novel, Driving With Dead People (you can see my review) and it reminded me of this essay - so thought I'd add a review about it since it was the first piece I read of her's.

I'm sorry there's not a lot of depth or detail here, but it was 2 years ago, and I'm an aging middle-ager who has way too much going on to remember everything I read 2 years ago....regretably....sigh. But I was very intrigued and impressed, and really enjoy her gutsy, humorous, and honest style.

So my rating above is for Monica H's essay - not the whole book.

[Janelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

My main problem with this book is this, most if not all the moms she had write essays are wealthy. The working moms can have at-home nannies and the stay-at-home moms can make money on the side by doing freelance writing. Or they can make their work schedule what they want. It's just not realistic for most women. I wanted a book dealing with REAL women's choices, or women more similar to me. Women that work a full-time job that covers daycare with a little leftover but they need that little amount of money leftover. Or stay-at-home moms clipping coupons to make ends meet because they feel it's best for their kids to stay home. I didn't relate to any of these women. I did get something out of it but most of the time I was thinking "well that's nice you can do that but not every woman can".

In the end, this is the quote I take away from this book. "It's clear to me now that comparing myself to other moms is pointless. It's also clear that other moms' choices suit them and my choices are (mostly) right for me and my kids, which is not the same as perfect." Amen to that!