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Effective Parenting in a Defective World
A parent's greatest desire is to raise a child who can face anything with wisdom and confidence. But in a world of over-extended schedules, amoral messages, and incessant peer-pressure, how can you raise a confident child that follows God's will, not the world's? Chip Ingram's practical tips for modeling right living, building strong bonds, and disciplining effectively will help parents bringing up Christ-centered kids who feel secure and significant no matter what comes their way. The book features practical, age-appropriate parenting tips, charts/diagrams, and action steps.
208 pages, Paperback
First published September 28, 2006
31 people are currently reading
332 people want to read
About the author
Chip Ingram
306 books225 followersChip Ingram is the teaching pastor and CEO of Living on the Edge, an international teaching and discipleship ministry. A pastor for over thirty years, Chip is the author of many books, including Culture Shock, The Real Heaven, The Real God, The Invisible War, and Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. Chip and his wife, Theresa, have four grown children and twelve grandchildren and live in California.
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
May 19, 2017
Started this book with low expectations, but was pleasantly surprised at how rich (& practical) this book was.
- Proactive parenting requires a target.
- "Our instructions only sink in when kids see them backed up with a character & lifestyle that's consistent with our words. Simply put, parenting requires a lot of integrity." - p.11
- "Let them see how you deal with failure as well as how you deal with success. You can demonstrate what it means to repent, to confess, to humbly accept responsibility for your mistakes, and to ask forgiveness." -p.14
- How to develop your child's full potential:
1. Understand their primary needs: Significance & Security
2. Recognize their primary responsibility: to learn obedience (their attitude toward your voice is probably how they'll respond to God's when they're older)
3. Obedience is a process: Rules -> relationship -> reason -> resolve
"When we keep doing things for them that they can do for themselves, we're communicating our lack of trust in their competence."
4. Provide the necessary resources:
a) doctrinal truth b) personal devotion c) biblical knowledge d) systematic instruction e) teachable moments
- 5 Characteristics of Biblical Discipline
1. The necessity of discipline: to deter destruction
2. The means of discipline: actions & words
3. The motive in discipline: to express love
4. The goal of discipline: to teach obedience
5. The result of discipline: short-term pain & long-term gain
Punishment: purpose to inflict penalty for an offense, focuses on past misdeeds, has an attitude of hostility & frustration, and results fear & guilt in the child
Discipline: purpose to train for correction & maturity, focuses on future correct acts, attitude of love & concern and resulting emotion of security
"when we as parents fail to follow up consistently with firm, concrete discipline, it makes our children very insecure." - p.108
- Five smooth stones
1. Suffering is normal
2. You were created to work
3. Your life is a sacred stewardship
4. Holy living allows you to experience God's best for your life
5. You were created to receive grace & to give grace
"Authentic living in the light of God's glory is not about being perfect but about living grace-filled lives in which we make progress in our relationships with Jesus and with each other."
- Proactive parenting requires a target.
- "Our instructions only sink in when kids see them backed up with a character & lifestyle that's consistent with our words. Simply put, parenting requires a lot of integrity." - p.11
- "Let them see how you deal with failure as well as how you deal with success. You can demonstrate what it means to repent, to confess, to humbly accept responsibility for your mistakes, and to ask forgiveness." -p.14
- How to develop your child's full potential:
1. Understand their primary needs: Significance & Security
2. Recognize their primary responsibility: to learn obedience (their attitude toward your voice is probably how they'll respond to God's when they're older)
3. Obedience is a process: Rules -> relationship -> reason -> resolve
"When we keep doing things for them that they can do for themselves, we're communicating our lack of trust in their competence."
4. Provide the necessary resources:
a) doctrinal truth b) personal devotion c) biblical knowledge d) systematic instruction e) teachable moments
- 5 Characteristics of Biblical Discipline
1. The necessity of discipline: to deter destruction
2. The means of discipline: actions & words
3. The motive in discipline: to express love
4. The goal of discipline: to teach obedience
5. The result of discipline: short-term pain & long-term gain
Punishment: purpose to inflict penalty for an offense, focuses on past misdeeds, has an attitude of hostility & frustration, and results fear & guilt in the child
Discipline: purpose to train for correction & maturity, focuses on future correct acts, attitude of love & concern and resulting emotion of security
"when we as parents fail to follow up consistently with firm, concrete discipline, it makes our children very insecure." - p.108
- Five smooth stones
1. Suffering is normal
2. You were created to work
3. Your life is a sacred stewardship
4. Holy living allows you to experience God's best for your life
5. You were created to receive grace & to give grace
"Authentic living in the light of God's glory is not about being perfect but about living grace-filled lives in which we make progress in our relationships with Jesus and with each other."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 23, 2022
I went through this book/video series in a group Sunday School at church and would not recommend. The author uses scripture often and has some helpful theories on parenting including the first part focusing on exploring the story of how you were parented in order to be the parent God wants you to be. However, I believe his interpretations are too focused on controlling the behavior and emphasizing the relationships in the family over training the child to obey out of an understanding of how deeply they are loved by God and their parents. Many of the examples are simplistic and the techniques given would not be helpful, and may actually be harmful, if applied to children with different value/motivations, a history of abuse or learning challenges/developmental delays.
Worst of all, the last part advocates for spanking "with the flick of the wrist with a wooden spoon" as the interpretation of the "rod" of discipline in Proverbs. This is a gross misinterpretation of the passage and is illogically applied as the author advocates for spanking as the only way to show love to your child but then qualifies it for use "if it works for your child" and "until they get too old for it to hurt."
Worst of all, the last part advocates for spanking "with the flick of the wrist with a wooden spoon" as the interpretation of the "rod" of discipline in Proverbs. This is a gross misinterpretation of the passage and is illogically applied as the author advocates for spanking as the only way to show love to your child but then qualifies it for use "if it works for your child" and "until they get too old for it to hurt."
June 8, 2012
I stopped after the spanking part. I will not spank my children. It had some good points otherwise.
December 17, 2017
I probably read this a year or so before it's really applicable for me as a new parent, but I think it has laid some great ground work for learning to be a parent. I definitely plan on revisiting the book in the future.
Ingram does a fantastic job of laying out the structure of what it is to be a parent. I don't recall him spelling out the pithy "I'm your parent not your friend" mantra, but the idea is present as he walks through a biblical understanding of the role of a parent. Ingram's personal stories about difficult years with his own teenage children are particularly moving - if only anecdotal - examples of how this plays out.
I enjoyed how Ingram discusses the need to grow your parenting techniques along with your children. For example, saying "I told you so" to a 2 year old may be an acceptable justification for your instructions, but it is wholly inadequate for an older child able to reason through things.
Another lesson I picked up from the book concerns the biblical directive for children is to obey their parents. This biblical directive to children is a telling portion of how to raise a child as Ingram walks through the goal of parenting being to teach a child to be obedient and then to transition that obedience from parent to God as the child grows, ultimately to leave the household as a mature, obedient Christ follower. We are all subject to being responsible to others in life (professionally, socially and spiritually) and learning to be obedient is an immensely useful part of growing up.
Ingram also provides a good discussion of discipline. As a part of your overall technique of parenting, the manner in which you discipline needs to grow with the child. Kids thrive within boundaries that are lovingly set for them. A key part to this is learning to discipline your child for their own ultimate welfare, not to satiate your own frustration over their actions. There is a definite difference between the two. It is in the nature of humans to be sinful, selfish and rebellious, therefore, effective parenting always requires effective discipline. Ingram spends a good amount of time discussing what it means to discipline effectively and how you can do it through different stages of your child's life.
All in all, I think Ingram's book contains lots of very practical advice for raising a child. He references scripture where appropriate, gives real world examples of the concepts being discussed and does not shy away from the need to be firm with your child. I will definitely be revisiting the book in the future.
Ingram does a fantastic job of laying out the structure of what it is to be a parent. I don't recall him spelling out the pithy "I'm your parent not your friend" mantra, but the idea is present as he walks through a biblical understanding of the role of a parent. Ingram's personal stories about difficult years with his own teenage children are particularly moving - if only anecdotal - examples of how this plays out.
I enjoyed how Ingram discusses the need to grow your parenting techniques along with your children. For example, saying "I told you so" to a 2 year old may be an acceptable justification for your instructions, but it is wholly inadequate for an older child able to reason through things.
Another lesson I picked up from the book concerns the biblical directive for children is to obey their parents. This biblical directive to children is a telling portion of how to raise a child as Ingram walks through the goal of parenting being to teach a child to be obedient and then to transition that obedience from parent to God as the child grows, ultimately to leave the household as a mature, obedient Christ follower. We are all subject to being responsible to others in life (professionally, socially and spiritually) and learning to be obedient is an immensely useful part of growing up.
Ingram also provides a good discussion of discipline. As a part of your overall technique of parenting, the manner in which you discipline needs to grow with the child. Kids thrive within boundaries that are lovingly set for them. A key part to this is learning to discipline your child for their own ultimate welfare, not to satiate your own frustration over their actions. There is a definite difference between the two. It is in the nature of humans to be sinful, selfish and rebellious, therefore, effective parenting always requires effective discipline. Ingram spends a good amount of time discussing what it means to discipline effectively and how you can do it through different stages of your child's life.
All in all, I think Ingram's book contains lots of very practical advice for raising a child. He references scripture where appropriate, gives real world examples of the concepts being discussed and does not shy away from the need to be firm with your child. I will definitely be revisiting the book in the future.
February 14, 2021
I’ve been very helped by the author, he has many good books. This specific book is packed full of practical thoughts — here’s some that helped me:
1. You’ve hit your target when your children have transferred their love, submission, and dependence from you to Jesus.
2. The test is not how many Bible verses they memorize or what grades they make, rather their dependence on God.
3. Teach your children how to obey you, so they will later learn how to obey the Lord.
1. You’ve hit your target when your children have transferred their love, submission, and dependence from you to Jesus.
2. The test is not how many Bible verses they memorize or what grades they make, rather their dependence on God.
3. Teach your children how to obey you, so they will later learn how to obey the Lord.
February 27, 2025
It was fine until he advocated for spanking your children with a wooden spoon. I'm a Christian and not liberal in the least, but there's something seriously wrong with you if you hit your children and think it's ok.
I thought this book was going to have more practical parenting examples, and it started off that way, but it just devolved into a fundamentalist sermon.
He also quotes the NASB, so how am I supposed to take this guy seriously?
I thought this book was going to have more practical parenting examples, and it started off that way, but it just devolved into a fundamentalist sermon.
He also quotes the NASB, so how am I supposed to take this guy seriously?
July 15, 2019
Good perspective about staying focused on the end game, especially parenting in the teens. However, it's basically just a recorded seminar which is hard to listen to, when I was expecting an audiobook.
January 7, 2018
I actually didn't finish this book, as I didn't agree with some of his stances.
June 8, 2017
Very helpful. Good reminders and practical steps to be a more positive & patient parent, armed with Godly goals and the tools to help my kids be all they can be in Christ.
July 5, 2025
love this book
November 28, 2012
Chris and I took this class at our church. It was a DVD based class where Chip Ingrim lays out evertting in this book. We learned a ton from this class/book. It gave us a lot to think about and a lot to implement into our family. I really enjoyed how he talked about there is no way that our children will never suffer so it is our job to teach our kids to suffer well. I think in today's society a lot of parents get caught up in always wanting their kids to be happy and doing whatever they can to make that happen. That just isn't possible though, so Chip says we need to show our kids how to handle unhappiness and that failure is never final. Definitely some interesting concepts in here.
February 27, 2010
Refreshing parent book very well written from Chip Ingram. He bases all of his parenting on the Bible but brings it to a very practical and easy to use guide. Best Quote:
"Can you imagine lining your children up on the couch, looking them in the eye and saying:"I want you to be like me. I want you to talk the way I talk, drive the way I drive, eat and drink the way I eat and drink, watch the shows I watch, handle your money like I handle my money...would you feel comfortable giving them that charge? If not, the most profound parenting decision you will ever make may be how you respond to what you just read"
Very powerful!
"Can you imagine lining your children up on the couch, looking them in the eye and saying:"I want you to be like me. I want you to talk the way I talk, drive the way I drive, eat and drink the way I eat and drink, watch the shows I watch, handle your money like I handle my money...would you feel comfortable giving them that charge? If not, the most profound parenting decision you will ever make may be how you respond to what you just read"
Very powerful!
April 26, 2008
Wow, Chip hits it on the head in this book on parenting in today's world. His advice is usable and he gives good examples of real situations and how to work through them with your child/ren to help them in their struggle to grow up. I am still making mistakes and still learning as a parent and can use all the help and advice I can get...this book was full of it. I listened to this book on CD's read by the author, then bought a printed copy to refer back to.
May 26, 2013
Well written and thorough! Basic principles we tend to forget as we allow our emotions and the world's input, via too many media sources, to over ride common sense! Not easy to implement all the time but Gods word, when realized and put into practice in our parenting, truly does reap result! Chip uses practical guides and teachings as well as his own experience to illustrate the impotance of effective parenting! Highly recommend!
June 27, 2009
A pro-active approach to preparing children for spiritual challenges in their adults lives (existence of suffering in the world, purpose of work, etc). This book presented many ideas that I doubt I would have ever considered on my own and had never heard elsewhere, so I came away from it with a sense that I had received good instruction.
July 28, 2010
Watched about half the DVDs of this book with our neighborhood Bible study. They were good, basic, biblical advice on parenting. Nothing surprising, but good reminders on all the major areas.
If you're going to choose one book about your overall approach to parenting, I'd pick Grace-Based Parenting or Shepherding a Child's Heart, but this was fine.
If you're going to choose one book about your overall approach to parenting, I'd pick Grace-Based Parenting or Shepherding a Child's Heart, but this was fine.
November 16, 2008
I learned a very valuable lesson about reading the subtitle to a book more closely! I thought it would be a book about parenting awesome and interesting kids, but it's a book by Focus on the Family. Le Woops!
June 3, 2009
This is something I hope to read over and over. Great tips for raising self-sufficient, Christ-centered kids...and helps you not feel like a failure as a parent. I highly recommend for parents of toddlers through teenagers.
July 2, 2012
I find this to be an all around great parenting book. Simple but profound principles that are very practical to raising kids. Would def. recommend this read and for myself will read it multiple times as I raise our kids for a refresher.
September 25, 2012
I borrowed this book but I'm going to buy it! A must read for those of you who are Christian's and want to raise your children focused on what's really important. A lot of great practical advice and encouragement especially for parents of teenagers who need a lot of help.
March 29, 2015
One of the most biblically grounded and practically helpful books that I've read on the issue of parenting. Ingram's book was especially helpful in the area of discipline, seeing both its necessity and purpose. He ends the book by discussing the role of grace in the family. Very helpful.
August 27, 2007
AMAZING!!! Parenting with a purpose, who would have every thought?
Currently reading
September 26, 2008Still reading, but it has some great ideas and is helping me develop a philosophy of parenting. I will update when I finish it.
January 30, 2009
Our Sunday school class is currently reading this book.
October 7, 2011
Great suggestions. It's overwhelming to be a parent, but Chip breaks it down into some nice categories and give strategies for dealing with what really matters.
March 27, 2012
Meh... just OK.
September 4, 2013
One of the best parenting books I've read - definitely from a Christian perspective though!
Read
September 7, 2015Fabulous parenting strategies. I would suggest this book for parents of children any age.
May 4, 2019
Very good! Has Biblically based, reasonable goals that get to the heart of parenting and the heart of you and your child.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews