Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child

by Ellen Mitchell, Carol Barkin, Audrey Cohen

The death of a child is that unimaginable loss no parent ever expects to face. In Beyond Tears, nine mothers share their individual stories of how to survive in the darkest hour. They candidly share with other bereaved parents what to expect in the first year and long

* Harmonious relationships can become strained
* There is a new definition of what one considers "normal"
* The question "how many children do you have?" can be devastating
* Mothers and fathers mourn and cope differently
* There simply is no answer to the question "why?"

This sharing in itself is a catharsis and because each of these mothers lost her child at least seven years ago, she is in a unique position to provide perspective on what newly bereaved parents can expect to feel. The mothers of Beyond Tears offer reassurance that the clouds of grief do lessen with time and that grieving parents will find a way to live, and even laugh again.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Psychology, Parenting

192 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2005

Reviews

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was one of the best ones I have read that convey the thoughts, feelings, and struggles of a mother whose young adult child dies. My son was murdered almost two years ago, and this book and these nine women echo what I’ve gone through and am still going through with a validation I found comforting.

[Jackie · Rating 5 out of 5]

My 18yr old daughter was killed in a car accident in 2009. My mom suggested this book to me after reading an article about it in the newspaper. I purchased it and read it in the fall of 2010 a little over a year after losing my daughter. I found it very relevant and helped me to know that I was not alone in my feelings as a bereaved parent. I am very thankful for the bereaved parents that shared their stories in the book and I will recommend it to anyone who has lost a child, especially after a year to two years after.

[Elyse Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished this a few minutes ago.

This book was written by 9 mothers who all lost their child. They met years ago while attending a support group with 'Compassionate Friends'.

The death of a child is unimaginable ---[my close friend lost her 32 year old son yesterday] ---

I'll be giving this book to my friend Cheryl (and her husband Mike).

The purpose of this book is to provide perspective on what newly bereaved parents might expect to feel.

Here is a quote from **Publishers Weekly**. Their words say it all!!!!
..."An eloquent volume...Bereaved parents will find comfort, sympathy, and support in this powerful, honest sharing of one of life's most painful experiences."

I was very touched by this book!
I read it in loving memory of Eric Laschinger!

[Cindy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the book hard to read in the respect that the women seemed so focused on themselves and this being about them. I lost my adult son 10 months ago and he is the one that is gone....yes it is devastating but he is the one missing out. I didn't find this book at all inspiring, I found it to be depressing and not helpful or inspirational

[Saronyd · Rating 5 out of 5]

The parents who wrote this book fought through and compellingly spoke about the hardest thing that a parent can encounter in life. It is something that I still can't bare to write about. I started listening to this book in 2018 in the winter, several months after my own son's death. I was still in a very intense state of shock and it was debilitating. When I was finally able to go back to work after several months, during my commute, I would try to listen to this book in which 9 mothers described their horrific experiences with loss and the suffocating grief that follows. Every few minutes I would find myself screaming and crying so hard that it was pure agony. I gave up on this book for the time being and spent as much time as I could immersing myself in keeping my mind busy and distracted. Fiction, fantasy, and entertainment were easier to listen to. I got better at working endlessly and playing guitar and gardening, and multi-tasking, because those things kept my mind occupied as much of the time as possible. And while it was unbearable, and still is, time somehow passed and continues to. Now, two years later, I decided to return to this book and listen through to the end. I have cried constantly and nearly every part has struck a chord that I can tragically relate to. Their words are valid. I don't know if reading this was helpful to me or not. I am still trying to process my own experience and trauma. I thought that if I listen to how other people process theirs, it might help in some way. I also felt like it would be my own failure if I didn't listen through to the end. If you are a grieving parent, be gentle with yourself and take your time if you chose to listen. If you have friends who are grieving parents, this may help provide at least an inkling of what they are going through.

[Debra Kassoff · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was sent to me years ago by the publisher. I've flipped through it before and found useful material, but for some reason, I picked it up again recently with the intention of reading it through. I felt a little spooked when, as I was finishing it, my cousin's young daughter died in a car wreck in the same week that the son of two of my colleagues was given a terminal diagnosis. I appreciated having read it. It shares valuable insights. At the same time, I felt that some of the first-person accounts from bereaved parents many years past their loss was still so raw as to be possibly discouraging, off-putting, or depressing for a newly bereaved parent to read. Of course, sometimes the truth hurts, and in any case the book was very good about offering up a wide range of experiences and attitudes across the group of parents who co-authored the book. Still, I did not feel comfortable recommending it to my cousins, but offered them other resources instead (of which I had learned, I should add, by reading this book).

[Shakira Govan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read this twice, and its the only book about loss, other than The Shack, that really spoke to me. As a parent and a sister, I know I will never stop missing the child and the brother I lost, but this time, reading it as a daughter was especially insightful. This book is very difficult to read, expect to shed lots of tears. But it is also such an eye-opener, and reminds us that we're not alone.

[Sandra Gamroth · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Never thought of it that way" is what I tell myself many times when reading the stories other people share about their grief, very therapeutic.

[Kim Keisler · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a tough read! But definitely helped me to understand what a friend is going through. Something I can't even imagine......

[Melissa Mest · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the 2nd book I’ve read as a bereaved parent. We lost our son Jackson on 7/12 just 3 weeks shy of his 3rd birthday. He fought AML for over a year and a half, but his death was sudden having suffered complications while under anesthesia.

The book was helpful in ways. I actually got more from the husband and sibling sections. I’m searching for hope and healing, whatever that means, and this book came across very depressing. Completely understanding these horrible tragedies are depressing, I get that, but I was looking for hope beyond the tears. Permission to Mourn, in my mind, was a nice balance between acknowledging the reality of such loss, but inserting uplifting and inspiring messages.

[Theresa Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been the best way for me to understand my friend's pain a little better. Not that any mother couldn't empathize with what she is currently experience. Losing a child is just the ultimate tragedy any parent can go through. She has lost her only child. No grandchildren left behind. God Blessed her to enjoy just him for 25years. God Bless the women who shared their journey of that critical first year. This is so helpful and inspiring!!

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first tried to read this book only 2 months after my son died and I sobbed reading the Intro. A friend told me that it was probably too soon and she was right. Now 28 months after his death, I could read it with only some tears. This book was both sad and encouraging. It's always good for a grieving parent to see other parents who are further ahead in their grief journey and how they are coping and living with their grief.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so helpful for me in these first months after losing my 18 year old. I was nodding Yes Yes Yes throughout the book - so many universal feelings and actions so many parents go through, discussed in this book. Wish I didn't have a need to read this book, but grateful these parents put their pain into words and shared it with others on this journey that we didn't choose.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very useful to read other people's experiences in losing a child. The women whose stories were told were members of Compassionate Friends, and so they are somewhat used to talking about their bereavement experiences. But they all had different stories and different experiences, and they were all comforting. One can see oneself in many parts of these stories.

[Renetta Neal · Rating 5 out of 5]

9 bereaved mothers share some of their grief journey, some helpful ideas and introduce their children Awfully beautifully written, showing how we all grieve differently and much longer than society gives space for! If you have lost a child this is a must read, there is a chapter for fathers and siblings too.

[Ashley Rennhack · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really helped me with having multiple miscarriages. Even though none of them have lost children that way, it still helped me with knowing I'm not the only one and it almost felt like a support group.

[JayaLaxmi Dewi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really helped me, I lost my only child/daughter who was only 7 years due to Nephrotic Syndrome on March 2020. Due to Covid outbreak, the movement control deterred me from seeking professional help. This book eased my burden / pain just a tad bit. Though the contributors were mostly parents who lost an adult child but I can relate to their emotions and the depth of their loss.

[Jackie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this to understand more about the experiences of some of my clients - but I think more people should read this book. This is not a group anyone wants to belong in - and yet many of us have friends or family who do and do not know how to support them.

[Amanda Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helped me to understand loss from the perspective of my parents. I hope you never have to read this, but if you lose a child or know someone who has and want to be more empathetic to them, this may help.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book contains a lot of stories about parents who have lost a child. I'm sure that is to help normalize the feelings surrounding death, but it's not what I need right now. I'm not sure what I need or what I'm looking for, but this wasn't it. It's not a bad book, just not what I need right now

[david crawford · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this as an outsider, having never lost a child. It gave me a good look into that world. I suggest it to anyone trying to learn what a grieving friend is going through.

[Ginnymayer · Rating 4 out of 5]

It helped me deal with the pain after my son died.

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. Helped me understand what my dear friend is just beginning to navigate.

[Renae · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking stories of loss, but beautifully told from the heart, providing perspective for those who want to help and support others on their journey through traumatic loss and grief.

[Tracey · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Club You Don't Want To Join

A book for those you join a club you don't get asked to join. It's good for those at the beginning of their journey. Tells how many women begin and travel through their journey and meet at TCF. I would give this book to a grieving friend..

[Jayne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first book I read on the grieving process. I liked it a lot. It gave me the perspectives of several parents who lost their children.

[Cathie · Rating 4 out of 5]

It does help to know that my feelings and thoughts are what other mothers who have lost children feel as well.

[diane smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm ok

I am 6 months since my son passed and the book helped me know that some of my feelings are not abnormal. The chapter about siblings helped as I help my daughter cope

[Edie · Rating 5 out of 5]

On March 29, 2017 we watched our daughter die as the doctor pulled the plug. It was the most excruciating, devastating and painful experience of our lives and we were totally taken by surprise. It devastated our entire family, our son (her brother) and his wife and children (our grandchildren), her childen, her boyfriend, and all of her friends and our relatives. It was so unexpected. This book, Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child has been a tremendous help in showing us that what we are going through and will continue to go through is a normal part of the grieving process. We may never be the same but down the line we will get through it. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has lost a child.