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Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children
A pediatric neuropsychologist presents strategies to help parents of special-needs children navigate the emotional challenges they face.
As diagnosis rates continue to rise for autism, ADHD, learning disabilities, and other developmental differences, parents face a maze of medical, psychological, and educational choices – and a great deal of emotional stress. Many books address children’s learning or behavior problems and advise parents what they can do to help their kids, but until Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children there were no books that explain what the parents are going through - and how they can cope with their own emotional upheaval – for their own sake, and for the wellbeing of the whole family.
With compassion, clarity, and an emphasis on practical solutions, Dr. Rita Eichenstein's Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children walks readers through the five stages of acceptance (similar to the stages of grief, but modified for parents of special-needs kids). Using vivid anecdotes and suggestions, she helps readers understand their own emotional experience, nurture themselves in addition to their kids, identify and address relationship wounds including tension in a marriage and struggles with children (special-needs and neurotypical), and embrace their child with acceptance, compassion and joy.
As diagnosis rates continue to rise for autism, ADHD, learning disabilities, and other developmental differences, parents face a maze of medical, psychological, and educational choices – and a great deal of emotional stress. Many books address children’s learning or behavior problems and advise parents what they can do to help their kids, but until Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children there were no books that explain what the parents are going through - and how they can cope with their own emotional upheaval – for their own sake, and for the wellbeing of the whole family.
With compassion, clarity, and an emphasis on practical solutions, Dr. Rita Eichenstein's Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children walks readers through the five stages of acceptance (similar to the stages of grief, but modified for parents of special-needs kids). Using vivid anecdotes and suggestions, she helps readers understand their own emotional experience, nurture themselves in addition to their kids, identify and address relationship wounds including tension in a marriage and struggles with children (special-needs and neurotypical), and embrace their child with acceptance, compassion and joy.
269 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 7, 2015
64 people are currently reading
307 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
April 2, 2016
Those of us with special needs children will often tell you that it is a blessing, a gift, and an unexpected surprise, but in reality it is a quiet struggle. It is deep well of emotions that holds love, anger, rage, acceptance, faith, hope, and sadness. As a parent to three special needs children I can honestly say that my well of emotions is rather deep. With the support of family, a psychiatrist, and the school system; I have worked through my emotions and have come to love and watch my children thrive. However, like so many parents of special needs children, I have lost a marriage that was partly due to my children’s disability. Only one of us was able to handle the challenges of our children’s disability and it is because of my impending divorce that I picked up this book. I wish I had discovered this book much earlier. Unlike most information that is published about special needs children, this book is written with the parents in mind. It is a guide that discusses the stages of grief, stress, hardships, and relationship turmoil; that can occur while raising a child with disabilities. The author goes into great details on how parents can work together to prevent divorce and burnout with one another.
I have to say this is one of the best special needs resource books that I have read in a very long time. I am so sad that I did not read it a while ago, but it everything happens for a reason. Like so many couples, my marriage had a spouse that was angry about having disabled children and could not cope with the issues that arose with it. This manual would have been helpful for us and would have been brought up with our family psychiatrist, but part of me believes it still would not have changed his mind. Having three special needs children opens the world to many new people. Individuals that do not judge others based on color, size, or intellect. I have met so many beautiful people and enjoy being active in the community. However, I have learned to balance managing my children’s needs and finding time for myself. This book reminds parents to take time out of each day for yourself. Don’t lose your identity or your marriage. Take time for your partner and have a hobby. If you don’t have fun occasionally you will find yourself alone or hating your partner for their lack of help. This book is a great start at reminding parents at how to be themselves again.
I have to say this is one of the best special needs resource books that I have read in a very long time. I am so sad that I did not read it a while ago, but it everything happens for a reason. Like so many couples, my marriage had a spouse that was angry about having disabled children and could not cope with the issues that arose with it. This manual would have been helpful for us and would have been brought up with our family psychiatrist, but part of me believes it still would not have changed his mind. Having three special needs children opens the world to many new people. Individuals that do not judge others based on color, size, or intellect. I have met so many beautiful people and enjoy being active in the community. However, I have learned to balance managing my children’s needs and finding time for myself. This book reminds parents to take time out of each day for yourself. Don’t lose your identity or your marriage. Take time for your partner and have a hobby. If you don’t have fun occasionally you will find yourself alone or hating your partner for their lack of help. This book is a great start at reminding parents at how to be themselves again.
October 5, 2015
The title of the book that I picked up actually is "Not What I Expected - Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children" not special-needs children. Although this book is not geared to parents of LGBTQ kids, I read it because I wanted a book that dealt with the emotions parents go through when their child is different than the mainstream. I found many tidbits to help me.
"What does atypical mean? It's a term that encompasses children who do not conform to the usual expectations..."
"The child's welfare is naturally a front and center concern, but who ensures that this child is nurtured and protected? Who needs to be consistently upbeat and encouraging? It's usually the parent. And what about that parent? ... How are you? How are you holding up? Where is the road map to help you navigate your own journey?"
"Somehow you are going to get through this, and your child is going to grow, and you're going to grow with your child. Somehow, it is going to be okay."
"What does atypical mean? It's a term that encompasses children who do not conform to the usual expectations..."
"The child's welfare is naturally a front and center concern, but who ensures that this child is nurtured and protected? Who needs to be consistently upbeat and encouraging? It's usually the parent. And what about that parent? ... How are you? How are you holding up? Where is the road map to help you navigate your own journey?"
"Somehow you are going to get through this, and your child is going to grow, and you're going to grow with your child. Somehow, it is going to be okay."
March 24, 2025
This was an incredibly helpful book to read as we await a probable autism diagnosis. Lots of ideas to ponder and things to notice in how we react to things going on in our family these days. I had to take off a star because the author clearly has a bias against homeschooling. Since we already homeschool our older kids, that is the "system" we are in and it would actually be harder to leave that world at this point. The author suggests that homeschool parents are in denial about the struggles their children are having, and while I'm sure parents like that exist, it's not a view that captures all homeschooling families.
Luckily, most of the book does not focus on this point. The author guides you through the stages of grief and how that applies to grieving the loss of the idealized child. Understanding the neuroscience behind what's going on is very helpful to me, and there were lots of tips on how to move through the phases of grief and arrive at acceptance.
Luckily, most of the book does not focus on this point. The author guides you through the stages of grief and how that applies to grieving the loss of the idealized child. Understanding the neuroscience behind what's going on is very helpful to me, and there were lots of tips on how to move through the phases of grief and arrive at acceptance.
January 4, 2020
This book was ultimately not what I needed. What it *did* do, which I needed and appreciated, was to validate that this shit is hard, and it changes your life and your marriage and requires you to make shifts you didn’t know how to make. Not super helpful on *how* to make those shifts, though - maybe if you were not living the examined life already, it could offer some insights? I did do the exercise where you write down every day for a week
* what your kids behavior was
* how you reacted
* how it worked out
* what you could do better next time
and that was interesting and gave me some insights into both kids & my relationships with them.
Glad I read the Nagoskis’ Burnout this year (much more helpful on the “how to change” front) and that I have a good ~ologist and ~iatrist and support network.
* what your kids behavior was
* how you reacted
* how it worked out
* what you could do better next time
and that was interesting and gave me some insights into both kids & my relationships with them.
Glad I read the Nagoskis’ Burnout this year (much more helpful on the “how to change” front) and that I have a good ~ologist and ~iatrist and support network.
March 7, 2017
What a wonderful book for parents! I found this to be such a helpful read before and after my son was diagnosed with autism. This is not a book about therapy or teaching strategies for children, but more of an emotional support for parents as they come to terms with their child's diagnosis. Simply excellent!
March 27, 2018
This was one of the most powerful books I've ever read. It spoke to my experience even when addressing families with needs far greater than mine. Please share with family, therapists, even pediatricians.
November 3, 2018
This book is amazing.... it helps u understand what u are feeling and how to work through those feelings and also to see that rveryone processes thungs differently.
February 2, 2019
I liked it and I'm not even married.
I don't even have kids.
It's that good.
I don't even have kids.
It's that good.
June 7, 2024
This was only okay. I liked the concept of the book and appreciate that the author tackled a subject that is just not written about, but ultimately I think it fell pretty far short of my expectations. The final chapter was better than the previous chapters, which is why I went with 3 stars instead of 2.
A few complaints in no particular order:
1. She makes no distinction between mild and severe diagnoses; all 'atypicalities' are discussed using the same language/advice. This feels pretty wrong. A parent dealing with a child who has ADHD has a vastly different experience from a parent whose child has multiple severe (even life-threatening) health complications and/or profound intellectual disabilities. Their experiences are different enough that I feel they merit different discussions. In fairness to the author, I'm not really sure how I'd organize this in a text; maybe a section in each chapter acknowledging that the severity of your child's condition may effect the response/expectation/needs/whatever.
2. I felt that a lot of what the author said didn't really resonate with me or my experience. Obviously, she didn't write this book just for me, but she did write it for parents in my situation, and I felt that there were things that were not discussed that would have made it ring more true for me (and, I'm sure, others). There was a surprising lack of nuance and breadth in the discussion of the parental experience in much of the book.
3. I found the juxtaposition of some statements to be trite and off-putting. When you're talking about the very real feelings of disappointment and despair that parents may feel when confronted by major milestones that their children are missing out on, it feels dismissive to tack on an extra sentence imploring them to 'remember, your child has milestones too!' While this is certainly true, and while these milestones are celebrated with every bit of enthusiasm (and then some) as the 'typical' milestones, it would have felt more natural and compassionate to discuss this under a separate heading.
A few complaints in no particular order:
1. She makes no distinction between mild and severe diagnoses; all 'atypicalities' are discussed using the same language/advice. This feels pretty wrong. A parent dealing with a child who has ADHD has a vastly different experience from a parent whose child has multiple severe (even life-threatening) health complications and/or profound intellectual disabilities. Their experiences are different enough that I feel they merit different discussions. In fairness to the author, I'm not really sure how I'd organize this in a text; maybe a section in each chapter acknowledging that the severity of your child's condition may effect the response/expectation/needs/whatever.
2. I felt that a lot of what the author said didn't really resonate with me or my experience. Obviously, she didn't write this book just for me, but she did write it for parents in my situation, and I felt that there were things that were not discussed that would have made it ring more true for me (and, I'm sure, others). There was a surprising lack of nuance and breadth in the discussion of the parental experience in much of the book.
3. I found the juxtaposition of some statements to be trite and off-putting. When you're talking about the very real feelings of disappointment and despair that parents may feel when confronted by major milestones that their children are missing out on, it feels dismissive to tack on an extra sentence imploring them to 'remember, your child has milestones too!' While this is certainly true, and while these milestones are celebrated with every bit of enthusiasm (and then some) as the 'typical' milestones, it would have felt more natural and compassionate to discuss this under a separate heading.
February 13, 2021
Fantastic book, especially for parents of a special needs child, beginning or in the middle of their journey. Well constructed format going through the cycle of grief, associated with loss of the idealised child. Felt that there was a good balance of real life, research and practical tips, so that it would meet the needs of a wide audience. The author, who is a health professional shows a good understanding and empathy of the parents viewpoint, which is refreshing.
February 27, 2023
Nicely framed book about the emotions parents can go through after having a child diagnosed with special needs. There were times I felt the book was trying to shoehorn the experiences into the grief template for the sake of the book's structure, but overall, there were so many really valuable concepts here. It's always nice for me to read stories of other parents that have successfully navigated this path to give me hope for our future.
October 7, 2023
This book mid one that would have been wonderful years ago for me. It puts together the research on parenting our kids with brain based practice while talking the parent through the grief cycle that we go through. I didn’t finish the book as the content is known to me but I will recommend it to others as it compiles so much expertise into one book and it’s geared toward helping parent through the process while meeting their kids needs.
September 19, 2025
I really appreciated this book as a resource. Navigating parenting a child with special needs is hard. There are such limited resources that I've found book wise. I was happy to find a book that covered a lot of the emotional turmoil and challenges that parents face. This book does not shy away from the stress and depression that can often accompany navigating life with a child that is different than you imagined.
Although this book felt that it was more focused on neurodivergence, I think many parents to special needs children would find it helpful. I did find myself wishing I could related more though, as physical challenges with mobility and vision were not really addressed like behavioral issues were.
Overall, I would recommend this book for any parent looking for comfort when navigating special needs parenting.
Although this book felt that it was more focused on neurodivergence, I think many parents to special needs children would find it helpful. I did find myself wishing I could related more though, as physical challenges with mobility and vision were not really addressed like behavioral issues were.
Overall, I would recommend this book for any parent looking for comfort when navigating special needs parenting.
November 3, 2024
I’ve been searching for a book like this for a long time. I’ve read so many books on how to support my neurodiverse kids but I wasn’t able to find much on how to support and reassure parents going through this journey too. It was such a validating read, with lots of helpful exercises, tips and resources throughout. I feel such a sense of relief and hope after reading this book!
December 30, 2024
Being the parent of a child with disabilities is a rough and very lonely road. This book gave me the validation I didn’t know I needed and the emotional understanding of this unique parenting experience. There are so many parenting books out there yet so few books about parenting atypical children. I hope more authors write books like this one.
June 26, 2024
Like every parenting book, this was useful for validation but did not give great advice. "Trust the experts" may be helpful if the experts are actually good. I have had a speech therapist tell me to pray the autism away, so nah.
September 22, 2017
great parenting book for ALL parents (of neurodiverse, atypical, neurotypical, etc).
May 18, 2019
beginning of the book was amazing, felt it would help a lot of parents in todays world but it may not apply to my son entirely. But still a good read.
June 20, 2021
Good read. I should have read this years ago.
June 16, 2022
Absolutely brilliant. The best book to read after you recieve a diagnosis for yourself or for a loved one. Recommend to Al parents of Atypical children.
January 19, 2023
Foreword by Daniel Siegel. Good coverage of a tough topic. I found the last parts, on depression and acceptance, were the most valuable.
April 19, 2024
I share or reference this book constantly. She teaches about the grief process for parents of kids with special needs.
June 18, 2025
Read this book for my capstone project. A great resource for parents as they navigate difficult emotions of raising an atypical child! Definitely going on my resource list for parents! :)
February 21, 2020
I think this is a great book for parents with a new diagnosis. I read this five years after our diagnosis and wish I had it earlier. It is a little heavy on the biological descriptions, which is interesting but a little cumbersome. I wanted to know more about how to thrive in this life instead of existing in constant survival mode.
I think a follow-on book would be a great addition, or a workbook with more activities to help a parent process the grief.
I think a follow-on book would be a great addition, or a workbook with more activities to help a parent process the grief.
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews