Zero G, Big O

by Ramona Desire

In space, no one can hear you moan...

Egon Tusk is the richest man in the world, a billionaire genius who's just bought his way onto a rocket to the moon. Can astronaut Trina Roberts handle the tension that this giant prick brings to her tiny capsule?

Be warned, this 5000 word story is intended for mature audiences only. It contains very graphic descriptions of bossy billionaires, zero gravity acrobatics, and out of this world sex. Buyer beware...;)

18 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 30, 2014

Reviews

[Nataliya]

“Initiate docking procedure,” I cooed.”

After an interesting maiden voyage into the land of monsterporn by the critically acclaimed (or so I suppose) Ramona Desire (read it and see if you are Yeti for Love!) it was only natural that I would badger my reluctant friend into reading her next big oeuvre with me. It’s zero G, after all! (Plus, I need to recoup my $$ before my Kindle Unlimited membership runs out).

Yes, technically it’s not *quite* monsterporn but billionaire space-intercourse, but if you think about it, space-faring billionaires can easily be viewed as monsters for many reasons. So flimsy or not, that’s my excuse.

Space porn, here I come!

———————
Ahem…. Anyway….

“I still need you on this mission.  Will you accompany me to the moon?”



“It’s my rocket.  If you want to ride, you do what I say.”

Our protagonist Trina, PhD is working for the sexy space billionaire and Google creator Egon Tusk. Who is a good guy, apparently. When he’s not being a dick.

“With cold fusion, Tusk rendered electricity so cheap that even the poorest peasant in rural Asia could afford to electrify their home.  He solved global warming and practically killed the oil, coal, and nuclear power industries singlehandedly.”

Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins really did NOT spend their time flying on Apollo 11 mission well. Their flight was boring. But then, they weren’t Egon Tusk the space billionaire and Trina Whatshername, PhD.

“The personal magnetism of this dick was truly some kind of phenomenon.”

Cleverly, we are left to guess if this describes the “BALLISTIC” dick or its owner.

As an aside, did you know there’s a video of Neil DeGrasse Tyson addressing the very important question of sex in zero-gravity? Well, now you do. According to Dr. Neil, it would require straps and such. Because bouncing off each other in zero-G would cause a lot of floating away from each other. Luckily, our protagonists are nonencumbered by nonsense like physics.

I had a moment of panic in the middle of the space romp when I thought we were witnessing a Neil Gaiman-inspired moment of space vaginal cannibalism:

“The walls of my vagina stretched, swallowing him whole.”

But apparently it was not Dick Sr. but Dick Jr. being swallowed. Phew 😅. Although I was just slightly disappointed. I was ready for space horror.

We learn that space travel is very flattering to one’s appearance, as an aside. The recent space travel book I’ve read (Why Am I Taller? What Happens to an Astronaut's Body in Space) suggested puffy face and chicken legs as a side effect of reduced gravity, but they clearly haven’t taken into account the positive effects of absent gravity on one’s buoyant endowments:

“Zero gravity was kind to my boobs, giving them an impossible buoyancy that the best pushups and implants on Earth could never replicate, even with the best space age fibers.”

And then there’s a touching, lyrical metaphorical sentence that may be the loveliest description of floating semen drops in zero gravity. Awwwwwwwww…..

“Little globules floated around us in perfect little spheres, like miniature planets full of the potential for life, like glistening stars in the Milky Way.”

And then…. And then….. and then it ends on a cliffhanger.

Cruel.

And there’s not a single space yeti.
Yet.

Unknown number of floating zero-G globules? (Because yes, as Dennis pointed out to me, I rated Dark Tower 3 stars…)

Although truly, how can zero-G coitus be ever properly rated?????

—————
Buddy read with Dennis. This was not his fault. I strong-armed him into this. His review deals with the hard (heh!) science behind (and in front) any Zero-G loving. IT’S THE BEST (review, that is, not zero-G loving)

[Dennis · Rating 2 out of 5]

When it comes to sexual intercourse, gravity is your friend.

Take away or greatly reduce the force of gravity, and thrusting just pushes the object of one's affections away.
- Mary Roach "Packing for Mars"

In space, no one can hear you moan...
- Ramona Desire

Desire is less concerned with physics and such nonsense; which put her in a position to write this book. But why should one read it, if not for the science? That's a good question, dear random Goodreader. I mean, I've read quite a bit of monsterporn in the past. But there are no monsters in this. It's just porn in space. So, there goes my usual (and pretty sensible) excuse.

I think it was a sample in one of Desire's previous masterpieces, the wonderful and surprising Are You Yeti for Love, that made me consider this book. I certainly remembered this passage here, which promised some sound science:

My pussy tingled; it would have been dripping, if there had been any gravity. [...] I grabbed onto his shaft, using his tremendous girth as an anchor, drawing my weightless body toward his massive cock.

Yes, it sounded interesting. Also, didn't you always want to know if sex in zero gravity was possible? Isn't that a question we are all asking ourselves? Isn't it? Well...

First there is the question of blood flow. Can men get ... excited in space? Desire's book seemed to answer that on page 1 already. But after reading the following sentence I grew a little doubtful about its scientific merit: "He had freed his dick from his flightsuit. There it hung, floating weightless and flaccid before me."

I had to do some additional research. As it turns out, the penis is located below the “hydrostatic indifference point”. Which is unfortunate, because everything south of this point is affected by reduced blood flow in zero gravity, while it's the opposite for everything north of it. Zero G = good for breasts, bad for penises. It doesn't mean that you can't get a boner in zero gravity though. It will just be that little bit harder. Thanks to former Russian cosmonaut Alexander Laweikin we know that at least some one-handed reading has been done in zero G.

And what about actual sexual intercourse? Well, there is NASA publication 14-307-1792 about "approaches to continued marital relations in the zero G orbital environment." But it has been debunked as a hoax. After reading a bit more about the topic it does seem unlikely that astronauts ever had sex in space because a) there's a substantial lack of privacy, b) even if you were able to attain some sort of privacy, do you really think a male astronaut could keep his mouth shut about having done it in zero G? Well, maybe because of c) it would surely cost you your job. But it's more likely that that would prevent anyone from doing it in the first place.

We will probably have to wait for space tourists. Which brings us back to the question whether it is possible to do it in weightlessness. My buddy reader pointed me to a YouTube video of Neil deGrasse Tyson explaining how it could be done using straps, and trying and failing to contain his laugh towards the end. But astronaut Roger Crouch had another suggestion (again courtesy of Mary Roach): "Nothing restricts the use of arms and legs to manipulate or cling to each other. [...] Once one of the participants has attached his or her feet or body firmly" --and here he suggests duct tape if all else fails-- "the rest would be up to the imagination of the participants. The Kama Sutra couldn't start to cover all the possibilities."

Duct tape is magic and should be worshipped.
- Mark Watney

One thing my research unearthed was that it may have been done during a parabolic flight. Even without the use of duct tape. Wikipedia states that the acclaimed trilogy "The Uranus Experiment" (starring famous Czech actress Sylvia Saint) features a short sex scene in microgravity. Wikipedia also says that the film has been described as an "anal space opera". That made my disappointment even bigger when, upon closer inspection, I found out that they were not particularly anal about the authenticity of that scene. In other words, it is a hoax too. Boo.

One question remains, I suppose. What is the actual story of this book about? Well, the famous scientist and billionaire Egon Tusk and the female narrator (exogeologist Trina Roberts, PhD) are on a mission to the moon, to take some samples and whatever. While they are on their way there, they practice some docking maneuvers, which constitutes most of the plot. In some flashbacks we also get filled in with details about Egon Tusk's extraordinary career. He apparently co-founded Google, perfected cold fusion, invented a car that runs on water and then founded the first private company with the goal of colonizing another world - Space Elefante. Hence why he's on this flight. And also because "he is a giant prick - in real life and in his pants!"

I know what you are thinking. How would that guy feel about all of this:



On the other hand, looking at that image, he's probably not that concerned about what other people think of him.

And maybe the character isn't based solely on him? Personally, I know only of one other Egon:


(Apparently this is a scene from the planned but then scrapped adaptation of this book.)

The only thing I can say is, you should have listened to your own advice my friend.



Although in space it really is more like globules. But Desire doesn't care. And neither do the makers of abovementioned film trilogy. The trajectory and movement of the sperm is what ultimately gave it away. Disappointing.

1.5 stars

Buddy read with Nataliya. She talked me into this. So that will be my excuse for today.


Soundtrack:

Flight of the Conchords - Business Time
(https://youtu.be/WGOohBytKTU)

Elle King - My Neck, My Back
(https://youtu.be/VZgg9SIWfI0)

The Lonely Island feat. Justin Timberlake - Dick in a Box
(https://youtu.be/Rt0spqQtMKg)

Batmam and Nutella - Double Cock vs. Cum Rocket (unfortunately the video had to be removed from YouTube)

Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch
(https://youtu.be/xat1GVnl8-k)

Die Ärzte - Die Banane
(https://youtu.be/p90oD1yPDWc)

Frank Sinatra - Fly Me to the Moon
(https://youtu.be/Y2rDb4Ur2dw)