The Ethan I Was Before

by Ali Standish

Ethan had been many things. He was always ready for adventure and always willing to accept a dare, especially from his best friend, Kacey. But that was before. Before the accident that took Kacey from him. Before his family moved from Boston to the small town of Palm Knot, Georgia.

Palm Knot may be tiny, but it’s the home of possibility and second chances. It’s also home to Coralee, a girl with a big personality and even bigger stories. Coralee may be just the friend Ethan needs, except Ethan isn’t the only one with secrets. Coralee’s are catching up with her, and what she’s hiding might be putting both their lives at risk.

Genres: Middle Grade, Realistic Fiction, Fiction, Friendship, Young Adult, Contemporary, Family

368 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 24, 2017

About the author

Ali Standish, author of the critically acclaimed The Ethan I Was Before, split her time growing up between North Carolina and several imaginary worlds. The only award she ever won in school was for messiest desk, but that didn’t stop her from going on to get degrees from Pomona College, Hollins University and and the University of Cambridge. She still spends most of her time in her imagination, but you might just spot her walking her two rescue dogs with her Finnish husband around her neighborhood in Raleigh. You can visit her online at www.alistandish.com.

Reviews

[Rikke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is really wonderful. I enjoyed A LOT. in fact, I more or less breezed through it, that's how well told it is. I imagine quite a lot of readers will like it. Especially the ones who adore more serious novels, because this one does deal with some serious subjects.

Is it a 4 or a 5 stars read for me? It kinda feels perfect, but then there's a tiny tinge of "perfect behavior" that did rub me the wrong way once and again... So for now, it's a 4+ stars.. If it turns out to be one of the unforgettable ones, I will be sure to return to up my rating accordingly.

[Rosa · Rating 4 out of 5]

بعضی وقت ها ما به حس گناه یا اندوهمون می چسبیم، چون آخرین چیزیه که ما رو به آدمی که از دست دادیم وصل می کنه. دلمون نمی خواد رهاش کنیم، چون احساس می کنیم دیگه چیزی برامون باقی نمی مونه..‌.ولی این خیلی خطرناکه ایتن، رها نکردن خطرناکه، چون تا زمانی که رها نکنی نمیتونی به یاد آوردن رو شروع کنی...!

[Carlie Sorosiak · Rating 5 out of 5]

"You remember that, whatever happens. You are stronger than you know..."

It takes a lot for a book to make me cry. The Ethan I Was Before had me completely choking up. What a gorgeous, gorgeous middle grade novel. There is so much heart and love in this book. It's one of those novels that you just know is going to be on a "classics" list, and is exactly the sort of book I would've treasured as a kid. (And I probably would've begged my parents for a pet wolf and a pet alligator. Once you read the story, you'll know what I'm talking about!)

Ethan is such a relatable, empathetic character. In fact, it's hard to find a character in this novel who, by the end, you don't want to give a big hug. (Okay, except maybe Suzanne.) Coralee in particular is just so, so amazing - really sharp-witted. And Grandpa Ike! Love him!

At the risk of giving any spoilers, I won't delve too much into the plot, but let's just say that there are plenty of twists and turns. The mystery elements had me holding my breath, and there's just the right amount of suspense.

Above all, this is a story about friendship and finding yourself again after tragedy; the gorgeous writing carries you through grief and to the other side. I felt hopeful after finishing Ethan.

One of my top MG picks for 2017.

[Betsy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Southern Gothic children’s literature. Sounds crazy, no? But as weird as it might sound it’s a legitimate genre. You may think it’s all Flannery and Faulkner but kids have a delightful range to choose from. Now usually such books are in the vein of Sheila Turnage and her Three Times Lucky series, Zora and Me by Victoria Bond and T.R. Simon, and J.E. Thompson’s The Girl from Felony Bay. Which is to say, mysteries. The Ethan I Was Before by the North Carolina born Ali Standish isn’t a mystery in the traditional sense. Certainly she drops various mini mysteries into her text as you’re reading, but on the whole her book is a subtle exploration of redefining the self in the wake of personal tragedy. The essential mystery at the heart of the book isn’t “What happened to Ethan?” It’s “Who was Ethan?” And, “Will that version of him ever come back again?”

The first time Ethan ran away he was caught early on. The second time too. The third time his own brother caught him. Now he and his family have moved from Boston to Palm Knot, Georgia, to a home of a grandfather Ethan’s never known and a school full of people he’s never met. Personal tragedy dogs his every waking moment. Something about a best friend named Kacey and what happened to her on a snowy night not long ago. When Ethan makes the acquaintance of Coralee he isn’t looking for a new friend, but this hugely talkative, upbeat, pipsqueak of a human being seems like exactly what Ethan needs to acclimate to his new home. But still, mystery surrounds everything here. Why is Ethan’s grandfather’s bedroom forbidden territory? Who is the mysterious woman Ethan and Coralee saw in an abandoned house? And do her subsequent appearances have anything to do with the treasure they found in the house that fateful day?

When I was a younger reader and reviewer of children’s books I could pick up, read, and finish any middle grade novel you handed me. These days, I find my patience finite. I look back at the time when I could finish any book, no matter how awful, with yearning. Those were the days, eh? And though it sounds trite to say, I can usually predict within 20 pages whether or not I’m going to want to finish any story I’m handed. Now the opening Prologue of The Ethan I Was Before is the kind of work you could probably hand to a creative writing class as an example of a good strong first chapter. Look at everything it manages to pack in! Mystery. Suspense. A creepy vibe. Heartfelt emotion that grabs the reader long before they know why they should even care about the characters. Slap on that kicker of the double ending lines (“Once my feet start moving, I can’t seem to make them stop. I have to get to Kacey”) and you’ve got yourself a winner. This book may be Standish’s debut, but she knows how to pull a reader in, right from the get go.

Mind you, the book does run a great risk of mystery exhaustion. Over the course of a few chapters the reader is left wondering what happened to Ethan, what his brother said to him that was so awful and true back in Boston, why no one can go in his grandfather’s bedroom, and what truly happened to Kacey. And that’s even before we pile on the additional mysteries of who Coralee truly is, who the mysterious woman is that’s stalking the kids, where the treasure came from, and why Coralee has memories of an abandoned house. Mysteries are fine things. Judiciously placed they can lure a young reader deeper and deeper into a narrative, until they’re so emotionally invested in the story and the characters that they can no longer extract themselves. That said, you can’t leave the solutions entirely until the end of the book. Do that and you have what I like to call Lost syndrome, where there are so many mysteries left unsolved and dangling threads swaying in the breeze that the reader is left unsatisfied even if the characters are well defined. Standish does pretty well in this regard. I’m sure that there was a temptation to leave the central mystery of what happened to Kacey and Ethan to the end, culminating in a large reveal. Instead, she judiciously places that answer in the center of the book, allowing the smaller mysteries to accumulate, even as the reader is satisfied a bit early on. And yes, there is a bit of an info dump done in the middle of a hurricane that feels awfully convenient, but since those particular mysteries all relate to one another, it’s not a bad bit of business.

The central question that lies at the heart of this book is whether or not the person you have become in the wake of personal loss (whether it’s immediate or cumulative) is the real you. Let’s look at Ethan. He blames himself for what he believes to be an unforgiveable crime. By running away from home he runs from what he did and, more immediately, himself. His grandfather, by contrast, hardly even moves. His reaction to loss is to set down thick implacable roots, never moving from a time in his life when he felt happiest. These are pretty classic cases of personality forged in sudden tragedy. Coralee, in contrast, recreates herself in the image of her absent mother, constructing a life, if not a personality, that is not her own. Throw them all together and you get an characters that can push and pull and play off of one another thanks to their differences.

Read too many children’s books and you pick up on a certain shade of foreshadowing. So as I went through this book and watched Ethan make friends with Coralee I found myself increasingly grateful for the disappearance of Kacey. Why? Because this book veers awfully closely into Bridge to Terabithia territory. Think about it. Loner boy meets potential manic pixie dreamchild friend. She takes him to a secret lovely location in nature that they keep to themselves. There’s a big storm and she is threatened by water. But unlike a kid reading this book I was pretty sure that Coralee was going to be a-okay. One best friend dead is fine (not "fine" but you know what I mean). Two? No kid’s going to stand for that. No adult reviewer reader either. *cough cough*

Oh! And the writing! Did I mention the writing yet? Silly me. I always forget to mention whether or not an author is capable of slinging two or three words together in a notable fashion. You can plot plot plot all day until you’re blue in the face but an outline is not a book. For a book you need a little eloquence to your language. A little kick to your word slinging. And while I wouldn’t say that Standish is going to blow you away with her descriptive text, there are little things she does that stand out for a reader. Take, for example, this bit that comes Ethan’s first night at his grandfather’s house as he looks out his new bedroom window: “My room looks out on a marsh, where water snakes through patches of reeds the color of Easter basket grass, like it’s trying to find its way somewhere. I guess it probably is.” And later, “I turn my attention to the bay, where a lone sailboat trawls across the sun-shot horizon. The color of the water is like a box of melted crayons, like something from a dream.” These little bits of time and place I like. They’re little anchors in the place of the book, giving you a sense of it, if not the whole enchilada.

Spoiler Alert: Skip this next paragraph if you'd like to keep some surprises for the end.

Put plain, maybe part of the reason I think of this book as “Southern gothic” is the Boo Radley nature of the mom. She has a lot of Boo to her. The lurking. The treasure. The fact that she’s watching a boy and a girl from afar. And, of course, the dramatic rescue she makes at the end. The book doesn’t quite delve into the small town mentality that would have affected her so deeply that it could have. Really, the only time you get a glimpse of that is when Ethan and his mom come to the town and meet an old classmate of hers from back in the day. I think I would have liked more of a sense of the town itself. The characters in this book are full of personality but Palm Knot, Georgia doesn’t. It’s not the focus of the story, but I think getting a sense of the mom’s conflict in returning to this town she left behind (feelings inextricably linked to her feelings about her own father, no doubt) would have added immeasurably to the book, and given all the characters (Coralee, her mom, Mack, Suzanne) something pulling their strings invisibly.

A children’s librarian’s job is to sell kids on books. Some books make this easy. They have explosions, or humor, or something exciting going crazy on their jackets. Other books play a subtle game. Harper Collins did Ms. Standish no favors in giving her the dreaded brown cover (the only color that kids actively avoid when choosing their novels). But the cover is mitigated not just by its title (which is memorable) but also by the writing itself. A librarian could booktalk a story of this sort by recapping the Prologue alone. With The Ethan I Was Before Ms. Standish effectively delves into a variety of serious issues, but wraps them in an appealing mélange of gothic, mysterious, exciting elements. Hurricanes and wild wolves and pool parties. Realistic contemporary fiction can be a hard sell to a kid sometimes, but this book? I feel like this book sells itself. And if you happen to get some really good writing, plotting, and characterizations on the way? Well that’s just icing on the cake.

For ages 9-12.

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Sometimes a story is all you have...Sometimes that can be enough."

"Trying to destroy hope is like trying to clean sand out of your beach bag...There's always going to be a grain or two left."

Memory, story, grief, compassion, family, friendship, how to move forward when the best and worst are in the past. A moving, gripping book that will have you putting yourself in the place of Ethan, and all the characters. The last sections are beautiful.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

از متن کتاب:
" گاهی وقت‌ها یه داستان تمام دارایی آدمه، بعضی وقت‌ها همین کافیه برای آدم."

[Miruna · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5*

[Claudia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This hauntingly beautiful debut novel by the prodigiously talented Standish takes as its starting point the unanswerable question: what becomes of who you were before if you unwittingly do something tragic and irrevocable that divides your life forever into two parts, Before and After? The portraits of Ethan, his currently estranged brother, previously estranged grandfather, troubled parents, and charismatic but unsettling new friend Coralee are brilliantly drawn. Standish kept me turning pages in a desperate longing for Ethan to achieve self-forgiveness and to reconcile his "Before" self with the self he has become. I'll be surprised if this one isn't going to be a contender for major awards.

[Michele Knott · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I loved about this story is how all of the story strands are woven together at the end. The ending really brought the entire book together and held a place in my heart.

[BooksNCrannies · Rating 5 out of 5]

"'I don't want to say good-bye.' I whisper....
'You'll never have to say good-bye.... Not so long as you remember.'"

✏️ Review ✏️

*stares into space and wonders how to write this review* If I had any doubts that The Ethan I Was Before would be a five-star read... well, the last four sentences of the story ensured that it did — a powerful bittersweet ending! 💔 This story provides an artistically executed narrative that effectively depicts the fragility of life, the trauma and devastation of losing a loved one, the necessity of strong family bonds, and the healing power of solid friendships....

I'm gonna do this review a bit differently because — ugh! — I can't get my thoughts together.

Here's why this story got 5⭐:
✓ A relatable, empathetic, deep, dynamic MC — the reader can't help but feel for Ethan as he struggles with emotional trauma and guilt. His progressively revealed internal conflict brings such a compelling level to the plot. From the very first page, his character's backstory begins to unravel one piece at a time. In short: Ethan, the MC, is satisfyingly developed.

✓ Great writing style/storytelling. While the topics of this book (death, suffering, etc.) can be difficult to read about, I can't believe how easily I was able breeze through this story. The writing style flows like melted butter, and the narrative is told with so much emotion that the reader can't help but feel drawn further and further into Ethan's story. It's told so well that I read almost 250 pages of this book in one evening! I just couldn't steal myself away!

✓ Authentic and realistic narrative voice. Ali Standish realistically portrays the voice and thoughts of twelve-year-old Ethan. Something about Ethan's thoughts switching from happiness and pleasure to then being squelched by guilt and sorrow made the delivery poignantly realistic. Also, the use of present tense verbiage instills a closer connection between the reader and Ethan.

✓ A distinct and varied cast of minor characters. Each minor character in this story has a purpose and helps to make this story more effective by drawing a certain aspect of Ethan's emotions out in the open. Three examples:
Coralee: she draws hope, happiness, and love out of Ethan
Roddie: he highlights Ethan's fears and guilt
Grandpa Ike: he has a dual purpose by allowing Ethan to feel useful and adventurous but then making Ethan feel unwanted

✓ A multi-faceted, plot. While the characters take the point of focus, the plot also has much to offer. A bit of mystery, a bit of adventure, and the discovery of some startling secrets. The plot is excellently paced, and I thought it progressed quite smoothly.

✓ Deep and compelling themes. The Ethan I Was Before tackles many difficult subjects like death, suffering, survivor's guilt, and trauma. I thought these thematic elements were handled adeptly for the intended MG audience without being too graphic or unrealisticly minimalized. These subjects aren't dealt with from a Christian perspective, so not everything explained about death and suffering is necessarily correct or complete. But nonetheless many of these themes' aspects are handled in a skillful manner.

✓ A poignant bittersweet ending. I've already mentioned this; but, hey, it's one of the things that contributed to my five-star rating so I'm putting it here.... And, yeah... man, what a sad but somehow satisfying ending (yes, it does lean more on the bitter side 😢)! I know that sounds like a paradox — how could an ending be sad and yet satisfying — but you'll just have to read this book yourself. Ngl, I was kinda shaken up those last few sentences.

Well, there's my assessment of The Ethan I Was Before. I had absolutely no idea it would become a 5 ⭐ read, but, yeah, it certainly did. This coming-of-age bittersweet story is one of the best contemporary middle grade novels I've read in a very long time; it has become one of my new favorites. Put this book on your TBR or grab a copy right now and turn the pages of a story that dives deep into the pathos of human emotion.

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📊 A Quick Overview 📊

👍🏼 What I Liked:
• The MC — he's deeply and dynamically developed with an empathetic personality.
• The writing style — it's smooth and descriptive.
• The story's pacing — it flows so naturally and succinctly connects the entire story arc.
• The authentic and realistic narrative voice.
• The distinct and varied cast of minor characters.
• The multi-faceted plot structure.
• The deep, compelling themes — presented in a very poignant manner.
• The ending — it's bittersweet but still completes the story's arc satisfyingly.

👎🏼 What I Did Not Like:
• (Can't think of anything).

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❓ To Read or Not To Read? ❓

— Would I recommend this book? Absolutely!!!!*

— To whom? To those who enjoy contemporary, coming-of-age middle grade fiction stories that contain deep, dynamic characters, a smooth and artistically executed writing style, a compelling narrative, and deep themes. | Please note that this story will not be suitable for everyone — please see the Random Comments section.

*(Note: I leave it up to each individual to decide the maturity and discernment level required to read the books I recommend, based on my content warnings below [in my Book Breakdown]. My content warnings [if any] should always be considered alongside my recommendations when deciding who these books are best suited for.)

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📖 BOOK BREAKDOWN 📖 (Overall: 5/5)
~Fundamentals: (1=worst; 5=best)
— 📈 Plot: 4.5/5
— 📝 Writing: 5/5
— 👥 Characters: 5/5

~Content: (0=none; 1=least; 5=most)

— 🤬 Language: 1/5

• Six vain uses of God's name, two uses of "d*mn," and one use of "heck."

— ⚔️ Violence: 2/5

• Contains many potentially disturbing thematic elements; will not be suitable for every reader (please see Random Comments).

• One potentially disturbing scene involving death (mentions blood).

— ⚠️ Sexual: 0/5

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📣 Random Comments 📣

• A note of caution: Since The Ethan I Was Before contains several potentially disturbing/unsettling thematic elements such as death, suffering, PTSD, survivor's guilt, and trauma, it will not be suitable for everyone. If any of these elements could be triggering to you, then I strongly suggest you either skip this book or read it with heightened discretion. I say this in the kindest way possible. 🫶🏼
Also note that while I did say these thematic elements were handled appropriately for a middle grade audience, many younger readers could still find this story to be disturbing. Please read and assess this book before handing it to the young readers in your life.

• Content note: There are a few brief discussions about ghosts and a few mentions of how people could potentially return from the dead as one. The MC does switch later from wanting to believe these things to then seeing them as just fantastical thinking.

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💬 Favorite Quotes 💬

• "One real friend is worth more than a hundred fake ones." (p. 128)

• "Trying to destroy hope is like trying to clean sand out of your beach bag.... There's always going to be a grain or two left." (p. 299)

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heartbreaking, beautiful book of resilience, grief, and forgiveness amidst one boy's struggle with guilt. To help him heal after the loss of his best friend, Ethan's family moves from Boston to Palm Knot, Georgia. Specifically to his Grandpa's house. Where getting along isn't always easy. First-time author Standish has crafted a winning, emotional debut. You'll root for Ethan the whole way through.

[Kadi P · Rating 4 out of 5]

*This book was read as part of Middle Grade Madness’ 2020 TBR Challenge*

Despite the 4 star rating, I have mixed feelings about this one.

What happened to Ethan and Kacey was so very sad and the reveal of what really happened to her was the best part of the book. Ethan's grief and the way he deals with it throughout the book is poignant and exactly why the book is a great read. I like that he does feel happy at times and he isn't depressed throughout, there's a very delicate balance struck between his sadness and his acceptance.

On the other hand, Coralee was borderline annoying. She was a liar and it was totally excused away because of her circumstances which I don't think warranted all her lies. And the storyline that brought her long-lost mother back was, quite frankly, ridiculous. If she wasn't so integral to Ethan's grief process I would honestly say she could be removed from the book and I wouldn't at all miss her.

There were certain plot points that were so without logic that even other characters had to call out the stupidity of certain choices. I felt like that did detract from the story (hence only 4 stars and not 5) but it didn't damage it so much, it's still a touching and well-written book.

[Anca Adriana Rucareanu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ethan, cel care am fost este o poveste extrem de emoționantă și de frumoasă. Știți deja cât de mult îmi plac cărțile pentru copii. Dar profit de fiecare dată de această mică plăcere vinovată pentru a găsi cărți potrivite pentru Maria mea. Copiază și din gusturile mele literare, are și o predispoziție către ceva nou, diferit de tot ce a întâlnit până la acel moment. De asta caut să parcurg eu mai întâi cărțile pe care intenționează să le citească. Și pentru a mă convinge că sunt sigure, dar și pentru că îmi place să discut cu ea pe marginea lor. Și vreau să fiu pregătită, să știu către ce punct să o îndrum sau ce lecții a desprins din respectiva poveste. 

Ethan, cel care am fost este o poveste plină de momente emoționante, de prietenie și de lecții de viață. Nu mă așteptam să o iubesc! Mă așteptam să îmi placă, să fiu trasă în vâltoarea evenimentelor, dar nu mă așteptam să îmi stăruie și după atâtea zile în minte. Toate personajele din carte au avut câte ceva să-mi transmită, cu toate am creat o legătură specială. De toate m-am atașat, dar mai ales de Ethan, de Coralee și de bunicul Ike. 

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everybody needs somebody. Ethan and his family moved from Boston to what I take to be a down on it's luck town or at least a super small country town of Palm Knot Georgia. Not many seemed happy about the move. Why? You'll have to read to see how Kasey, Ethan, Roddie, Coralee, Suzanne, Grandpa Ike, Mack and others play into this story. Oh and Hurricane Anastasia, too!

Can anyone be who they were before? Well, just remember, "trying to destroy hope is just like trying to get sand out of your beach bag...there's always going to be a grain or two left." And one more thing, If you don't cherish your memories...

Recommend.

[Alex Baugh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ethan Truitt, 12, and his best friend Kacey Reid used to have all kinds of adventures together, until one night Ethan dares Kacey to do something and, though it ends in a tragic accident, Ethan can't help but blame himself for causing it.

Now, his parents are moving from Boston to Palm Knot, a coastal town in Georgia, using the excuse that they need to take care of his elderly grandfather, but in reality, Ethan knows it is an attempt to help him come to terms with his overwhelming grief and his all-consuming guilt.

At first, living with his grumpy grandpa Ike in a somewhat dumpy, dilapidated house, and with an angry older brother who resents him because of the move, really isn’t helpful. At school, Suzanne, who seems to have a little crush on Ethan, wants him to hang around with her and her friends, the “cool kids,” but Ethan isn’t very inclined to do that. Instead, he starts hanging around with the intrepid Coralee Jessup, a smart, talkative black girl who claims to be violin prodigy, and who is not much liked by the “cool kids.”

Coralee also introduces Ethan to the unofficial library in the back of the hardware store, both run by Mack, a woman who has been collecting books for decades and who always has some salt water taffy for her patrons. And maybe grandpa Ike isn’t so bad after all, especially when he decides to teach Ethan how to drive his pickup truck.

As Ethan adjusts to life in Palm Knot, the circumstances of Kacey’s accident are slowly revealed in flashbacks. The reader knows that Kacey is still alive because Ethan has run away a few times to try and see her. She is in a nursing home, in a coma and on life support. When Ethan is told that her parents have decided to take her off life support, Ethan’s pain is intense and palpable. His pain is compounded by the fact that when he finds out that Coralee has betrayed his confidence about what happened to Kacey to Suzanne, Suzanne also makes it a point to tell him the truth about Coralee’s life with the result that Ethan begins to believe that everything Coralee has told him about herself is a lie.

Everything comes to a dramatic climax and denouement when a hurricane hits Palm Knot and Coralee goes missing. Ethan couldn’t help Kacey when she was hurt, but can he redeem himself and help save the new friend he turned his back on?

The Ethan I Was Before couldn’t be a more appropriate title for Ethan’s story. No one remains unchanged after going through a trauma that literally shatters the innocence of childhood, and the intense feelings that follow.

This coming of age novel is written in the first person from Ethan’s point of view, so that the reader journeys with him through all his turmoil and agony as he finally attempts to come to terms with Kacey’s accident and his part in it, and begins to discover who he is now. Besides his narration, there are, throughout the book, lists that Ethan makes at the suggestion of his therapist in Boston just before he moved, thinking it might help him make sense of his world and who he is now, ”The Ethan you were before may be gone, but now you have the chance to get to know the new Ethan.”

This is a debut novel for Ali Standish, and while I thought there was just a little too much going on at the end of the story, I also felt that she really understood what Ethan was going through and conveys it to her readers quite well and with a great deal of empathy. Ethan’s story is very moving and will have readers riveted, I know I was. And while it is an emotionally charged novel about guilt, grief, the possibility of healing, it is ultimately a novel about the importance of family, friendship, honesty, and most importantly, hope.

This book is recommended for readers age 9+
This book was an EARC received from Edelweiss+

[Becca AE · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a page-turner filled with adventure, magic, and friendship while also dealing delicately with the subject of trauma. More than anything, the story is gripping! The dialogue feels natural and true to the characters personalities and their ages. The author shows a talent for writing clearly and effectively on a sensitive topic and young readers will surely see the connection between the story and the tough situations present in their own lives. This is a book that will help kids find their own confidence and their way back to mischief. For a book focused on kids, family relationships, adventures, and animals in the southeast, it's full of substance and meaning.

[Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, wow, wow!!! I loved this story. Such a multi-layer plot with multi-dimensional characters. Absolutely beautiful. Ethan is a strong role model for our young people. A must-read...

[Akshaya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVE THIS BOOK SO MUCH!!!! i was just really heartbroken learning about Ethan losing Kacey not meaning to but happened, time is so powerful you can 't take back what is said or done, but you just have to move along but not forgetting that person (or thing..etc). I felt really sad reading about the dare that night and what happened to Kacey. But i loved the way Ali Standish kept the story going on how Ethan doesn't forget but is in a better position than before and how Coralee helped and made Ethan the Ethan he was before.And at the end how Ethan did it, accepted that Kacey will be happier in a better place than she is in, how he was able to go to his Kacey and tell her it's time.......

I am never going to forget this book i loved it!!!!!!

[Lilla · Rating 4 out of 5]

A perfect middle grade novel that's chock full of everything you want a middle-grader to experience. friendships, family strife, guilt-a lot of guilt, and natural disasters. I also loved the sense of place.

[Jurga Jurgita · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vaikystė ir paauglystė turbūt yra vieni gražiausių žmogaus gyvenimo tarpsnių, kuomet mažais laipteliais iš vieno laikotarpio keliauji į kitą. Tai lyg kelionė laiko mašina, kurioje esi savo gyvenimo šeimininkas. Kiek pamenu, būtent šiais laikotarpiais ir knygos buvo pačios gražiausios, mieliausios, daugybę kartų perskaitytos ir kurios dar ir dabar guli mano knygų lentynose, primindamos apie pačius gražiausius metus. Todėl šiais metais daviau sau pažadą skaityti daugiau vaikiškų knygų, jas aptarinėti, vieną kitą nusipirkti į augančio sūnaus biblioteką. Vaikų knygos - tai tikrų ir nesuvaidintų jausmų pasaulis, kuriame taip ir norisi likti visam laikui. Ne paslaptis, kad prie vaikų literatūros grįžau su Selemono Paltanavičiaus, Vytauto V. Landsbergio kūryba, o labiausiai sužadinęs smalsumą- tai Nindzė Timis, leidyklos "Nieko rimto" knygų serijos apie jį, herojus. Man labai patinka šios leidyklos leidžiamų knygų iliustracijos, pačios istorijos, knygų veikėjai, siužetas. Viskas taip gražiai suderinta tarsi kinematografinis filmas vaikams. Renkantis vaikų literatūrą man svarbu tai, kad pati istorija man būtų tikrai vaikiška, o skaitomos istorijos primintų tas, kurias skaičiau, kai pati buvau dar maža. Todėl gavusi naują vaikišką knygą iš leidyklos dovanų, pradėjau skaityti Ali Sandish knygą "Etanas, kuriuo buvau". Tai kuo gi ši knyga gali būti įdomi vaikams? Kas tikitės fantastikos, daug nuotykių, veiksmo-sakau STOP, ji ne apie tai. Tai knyga labiau apie draugystę, drąsą, gebėjimą atleisti kitiems ir paslaptis. Tai knyga apie berniuką Etaną, kuris visada buvo drąsus ir priimdavo iššūkius. Bet ankstesniojo Etano nebėra. Jis dingo tą pačią dieną, kai nutiko baisusis dalykas. Dabar jis liūdnas ir abejingas. Ir turi paslapčių. Kaip smagu skaityti tokias knygas, kuriuose viskas paremta gražia ir tikra draugyste, kur draugai vienas kitam yra lyg brolis ir sesė, dėl kurių galima atiduoti net širdį, dėl įvykusios nelaimės būti ištikimu visą gyvenimą nors ir jaučiant didžiulę kaltę. O kur dar drąsa, kurioje neapseinama kiekvienoje vaikiškoje knygoje. Drąsa, tokiu atveju, moko mus nepasimesti, padėti draugui ištikus nelaimei, įveikti kliūtis ir per gyvenimą žygiuoti aukštai iškėlus galvą. O paslaptys šioje knygoje neleido nuobodžiauti nei akimirkos, o tik norėjosi kuo greičiau įminti, ką tokio slepia Etanas, kad jam su šeima reikėjo išvažiuoti iš savo gimtojo miestelio, daug kartų pabėgti iš savo namų ir vėl būti sugrąžintam, kaltinti save dėl nutikusios nelaimės. Labai nuoširdi, pamokanti, šiek tiek gal netgi herojiška istorija, kurioje galima rasti tiek nuoširdžių ir nesuvaidintų vaikiškų jausmų. Šią knygą galėčiau pavadinti vienos šeimos istorija ir ją galėtų skaityti tiek suaugę, tiek vaikai. Perskaičius tokį už širdies griebantį pasakojimą, taip ir norisi pasakyti:"Sunaikinti viltį yra beveik taip pat sunku, kaip iškratyti smėlį iš paplūdimio krepšio. Visad liks viena arba dvi smiltelės". Ačiū leidyklai, kad turėjau nuostabią galimybę paskaityti širdžiai mielą ir gražią istoriją ir bent mintimis grįžti į vaikystę.

[Cynthia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you ever read multiple books by certain authors and conclude that the author has some sort of contract with Kleenex? Ali Standish is one of those authors.

I wanted to read at least one middle grade book for #middlegrademarch. I originally planned on Grendel, but I wasn’t in the mood for something terribly dark, so I picked up The Ethan I Was Before instead, thinking Ali Standish would surely offer me the perfect comfort read. If you’ve read this, feel free to laugh at my ignorance. This was dark. But it did offer the solace I was seeking as well.

Ali Standish doesn’t shy away from tough topics in her novels and I really appreciate that. There are a lot of kids out there who go through some really difficult things at such young ages. Books like this are so important. While some young readers may prefer the perfect escape story, there are others who will benefit from books like this that whisper “you are not alone” throughout the pages.

Twelve year old Ethan Truitt lost his best friend in a tragic accident, one that he blames himself for. In an effort to help Ethan heal, his parents move him from Massachusetts to Georgia, hoping that this fresh start will be good for him. While still traumatized by the past, he starts to move forward slowly, thanks to an outgoing, adventurous girl named Coralee.

This story is heart wrenching, obviously, and significantly heavier than How to Disappear Completely, which I was ill-prepared for. I picked it up because of the author and hadn’t paid much attention to the synopsis. It’s packed with difficult situations that even adults struggle to navigate, but Standish brings her readers through it all beautifully, offering wisdom and the possibility of healing along the way.

I was leaning toward a four star rating for most of the book. There was one mystery that was hinted at and although I recognize that kids might not pick up on it, I was frustrated by how easy it was to see throughout the narrative. I also didn’t understand why Standish would aim to shock readers with that particular reveal. Additionally, I didn’t like the unsafe choices she had Ethan and Coralee make, although it did add suspense and made the conclusion all the more touching.

In the end, those aspects were forgivable, as the last several chapters broke me completely, making it clear that this was worthy of all the stars and then some. And that ending - oh, my! Really, Standish is in cahoots with Kleenex. I’m sure of it.

Looking at this from a parent’s perspective, I’d say this is something you might want to read with your child or read ahead of time, as there is some content kids will surely have questions about. Having context for those discussions will be very helpful. Even if you don’t have the target audience living with you, you shouldn’t shy away from this one. It’s a fantastic read that is sure to move you, no matter how old you are.

You can find all of my book reviews, lots of other fun bookish content, and the occasional ramblings about movies right here: https://www.facebook.com/abookishbutt...

[Anj✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Trying to destroy hope is like trying to clean sand out of your beach bag," she said. "There's always going to be a grain or two left."

The Ethan I Was Before is a heartwrenching story about a boy running away from his past and doing his best not to repeat the same mistake. It deals with themes such as grief, guilt, letting go, forgiveness, and hope, which the author has handled here greatly.

This coming-of-age novel is well-written, and the portrayal of the characters is well done. Also, it's Ali Standish's debut novel, and I'm looking forward to reading more of her books.

[Maryam · Rating 3 out of 5]

اول از همه ، رمنس داشت😐
و اونقدر بود که حساس بشم نسبت بهش.
ولی در کل رمان خوبی بود، آخرشم ناراحت شدم
میشه گفت موضوع داستان رو یه تایم لاین خوب پیش می رفت و همه چی اونقدر خوب بود که نشه دوسش داشت( البته اگه رمنسشو در نظر نگیریم)😐

[ستایش · Rating 3 out of 5]

بخش هایی از کتاب:
تلاش برای از بین بردن امید مثل تلاش برای تمیز کردن شن از توی کیف شناست، همیشه یکی دو تا دونه تهش باقی می مونه.

بخشی از من به کیسی حسودی می کند، چون او دیگر درد نخواهد کشید اما درد از دست دادن او تا ابد با من هست او به جای بهتری می رود، اما دنیایی که من را در آن رها می کند بدون او جای بد تری خواهد بود.

[Josephine Sorrell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Debut novel

Ethan is a happy, rather typical middle schooler in Boston, Massachusetts. He has a good relationship with his parents, his older brother Roddie, and Roddie’s girlfriend, Grace. Ethan’s true soulmate is his best friend, Kacey Reid. I was careful not to say girlfriend. The Reid’s live next door to the Truett’s, and the kids grew up almost as siblings.
An unthinkable and tragic event occurs at a party which changes everything. Ethan is not emotionally capable of fully facing the event, and he is profoundly and permanently changed.

The Truitt’s relocate to the small town of Palm Knot, Georgia, to live with Ethan’s Grandpa Ike. They claim they’ve moved south to help Grandpa in his old age, but the true reason is to give Ethan a fresh start in a new town. Ethan has been depressed, has tried to run away, and his behaviors concern and frighten his parents. No one is happy about the move; high school junior Roddie is bitter and resentful to leave his star status on the baseball team, Grandpa is hostile and outraged that his daughter has taken over his house and dares to throw away possessions she thinks are useless, and Ethan is still just as sad as ever.
Despite his sadness, Ethan is sensitive to those around him. Braving the school bullies, Ethan finds the courage to stand up for the two underdog friends he has made. At home, Ethan breaks through grandpa Ike’s cold exterior and forms the only good family relationship. He realizes like himself that Ike also feels isolated and lonely. As the story progresses, it becomes clear that Ethan's overprotective parents are not being honest with him. Ethan learns a lot about himself as he looks through the eyes of a new friend, the spunky Coralee Jessup, who carries a few secrets and disappointments of her own. The reader will be intrigued with the suspenseful subplot involving a missing red wolf and the mysterious woman who appears at the top of the stairs in an old abandoned house not to mention the velvet box of precious jewelry.
This first person narration by Ethan is a story our middle and young adult readers will not soon forget.

[Munro's Kids · Rating 3 out of 5]

Can you please read that as 3.5 stars? A solid 3.5.

Ethan used to have this amazing friend Kacey and they were a fearless, uncompromising duo. But that was before the accident. Since the accident, Ethan isn't really sure who he is. He's had so much trouble dealing with what happened that his family has decided to pick up and move to a tiny town in Georgia. The line is that they are there to "take care of his grandfather," but everyone (especially Ethan) knows that it is because of him and his three attempts to run away.

Here Ethan starts to slowly let go of the guilt he is carrying. He meets Coralee, another fearless young girl, but quite different from Kacey. They form a fast friendship, but one that is derailed by the secrets they are both hiding.

I liked this book. The writing was solid and the characters were good. I was worried that the author wouldn't have enough to say besides the whole loss of a friend thing, but all of the secondary characters had rich lives and problems of their own. The parents clearly were struggling. Ethan's brother was a great angry teen (though there was a miraculous turn-around in the last couple of scenes that bothered me for its miraculous-ness), and Coralee had some good issues she was dealing with. Eventually, even Kacey and Ethan's friendship is revealed to have been tinged with its own issues.

My only problem is I'm not entirely sure it is a kid's book. There's the whole death theme (a hard sell), and a fairly contemplative plot. I think it fits in with Kelsey's jellyfish book, so I am going to read and compare. I also think it fits into the literary genre populated by books like Wolf Hollow and Pax. Good books, but you need a fairly dedicated reader, a teacher or some sensitive parents.

-Kirsten

[Wendy MacKnight · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the very first page, we are sucked into the mystery of what happened to Ethan Truitt's best friend Kacey and why it resulted in his parents moving themselves, him, and his older brother Roddie to a small town with Georgia to live with Grandpa Ike, who seems less than thrilled to have them there. Ethan is a haunted, broken boy, and his heartbreak makes the reader's heart break. Nothing his family does seems to bring him out of his depression and guilt, but a small spitfire named Coralee, may be up to the task. This is a rich, deeply personal and moving story, and Standish creates a world that thrums and hums with life - both in terms of characters and in terms of setting, and the two support each other admirably and thematically, especially when the hurricane hits. When the story of Kacey is ultimately revealed it is done naturally and carefully, as are the other surprises. This book is sure to be beloved by young readers and the adults in their life. I truly loved it!

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would rate the first half of this book 4 stars and the last 3. The writing is very good and the story is intriguing (freak accident of a friend that Ethan blames himself for and can't come to grips with) but it just goes on too long. A mystery gets thrown in for good measure(and a pretty cool one at that) and the reader is fed little bits of information about the tragic accident back in Boston throughout the story. At 350 pages it all gets a bit much and I found myself skimming to get to the conclusion.
Also, the whole story with the Grandpa not letting go of his wife's death for 30 years felt heavy-handed in an already dramatic landscape.
If Standish would've cut out 100 pages of it and tightened up the plot, it would be a knock-out.

All in all, a solid, middle grade read tackling a sad subject with grace.

[Dest · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall, I liked this, but there were a few clunky parts and when I got to the end I felt like I'd read this story before (e.g. Lost in the Sun, Bridge to Terabithia).

I think the first half is stronger than the second half because Standish is good at building suspense for the reader. Why does Ethan feel guilty? What happened to Kasey? It truly reads like a good mystery, even though it's pretty obvious where it's going.

The second half sort of falls into cliche-ville. Still, overall, it's a solid book with emotional depth and great plotting in the beginning to suck a reader in.

[Leonard Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel like the book takes on too many things, though it doesn't do them badly and it reads pretty well, so may rate more like 2.5 to 3 stars. But Ethan's guilty feelings, Kacey's fate, Coralee's history, the wolves, even things like Ike and Ethan's mom's or Ethan and his brother's relationships, any of these could have been the tight focus and stake of a book and I think that book would be better for it. Me and Marvin Gardens by A.S. King might be an interesting comparable for discussion, and though I didn't love that one either, I think that book has similar considerations and handled them more successfully.