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Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive
How many parents have found themselves thinking: I can't believe I just said to my child the very thing my parents used to say to me! Am I just destined to repeat the mistakes of my parents? In Parenting from the Inside Out , child psychiatrist Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and early childhood expert Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., explore the extent to which our childhood experiences actually do shape the way we parent. Drawing upon stunning new findings in neurobiology and attachment research, they explain how interpersonal relationships directly impact the development of the brain, and offer parents a step-by-step approach to forming a deeper understanding of their own life stories, which will help them raise compassionate and resilient children.
Born out of a series of parents' workshops that combined Siegel's cutting-edge research on how communication impacts brain development with Hartzell's thirty years of experience as a child-development specialist and parent educator, Parenting from the Inside Out guides parents through creating the necessary foundations for loving and secure relationships with their children.
Born out of a series of parents' workshops that combined Siegel's cutting-edge research on how communication impacts brain development with Hartzell's thirty years of experience as a child-development specialist and parent educator, Parenting from the Inside Out guides parents through creating the necessary foundations for loving and secure relationships with their children.
272 pages, Paperback
First published March 31, 2003
2220 people are currently reading
18578 people want to read
About the author
Daniel J. Siegel
200 books3,180 followersDaniel J. Siegel, M.D., is an internationally acclaimed author, award-winning educator, and child psychiatrist. Dr. Siegel received his medical degree from Harvard University and completed his postgraduate medical education at UCLA with training in pediatrics and child, adolescent and adult psychiatry. He is currently a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, where he also serves as a co-investigator at the Center for Culture, Brain, and Development, and is a founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center. In addition, Dr. Siegel is the Executive Director of the Mindsight Institute.
Dr. Siegel has the unique ability to convey complicated scientific concepts in a concise and comprehensible way that all readers can enjoy. He has become known for his research in Interpersonal Neurobiology – an interdisciplinary view that creates a framework for the understanding of our subjective and interpersonal lives. In his most recent works, Dr. Siegel explores how mindfulness practices can aid the process of interpersonal and intrapersonal attunement, leading to personal growth and well-being.
Published author of several highly acclaimed works, Dr. Siegel’s books include the New York Times’ bestseller “Brainstorm”, along with "Mindsight," "The Developing Mind," "The Mindful Brain," "The Mindful Therapist," in addition to co-authoring "Parenting From the Inside Out," with Mary Hartzell and "The Whole-Brain Child," with Tina Bryson. He is also the Founding Editor of the Norton Professional Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology, which includes "Healing Trauma," "The Power of Emotion," and "Trauma and the Body." Dr. Siegel currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife.
For more information on Dr. Siegel's work, please visit DrDanSiegel.com.
Dr. Siegel has the unique ability to convey complicated scientific concepts in a concise and comprehensible way that all readers can enjoy. He has become known for his research in Interpersonal Neurobiology – an interdisciplinary view that creates a framework for the understanding of our subjective and interpersonal lives. In his most recent works, Dr. Siegel explores how mindfulness practices can aid the process of interpersonal and intrapersonal attunement, leading to personal growth and well-being.
Published author of several highly acclaimed works, Dr. Siegel’s books include the New York Times’ bestseller “Brainstorm”, along with "Mindsight," "The Developing Mind," "The Mindful Brain," "The Mindful Therapist," in addition to co-authoring "Parenting From the Inside Out," with Mary Hartzell and "The Whole-Brain Child," with Tina Bryson. He is also the Founding Editor of the Norton Professional Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology, which includes "Healing Trauma," "The Power of Emotion," and "Trauma and the Body." Dr. Siegel currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife.
For more information on Dr. Siegel's work, please visit DrDanSiegel.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 459 reviews
July 7, 2009
I didn't enjoy this book the entire time I was reading it, but when I found myself summarizing the parts I found relevant and photocopying the exercises, I knew I needed to give it at least four stars.
Many of my clients come in with difficulties around childraising, and it's always a struggle for me between giving them childraising "tips" versus helping them uncover the deeper issues that are making it difficult for them to parent effectively. Parents who come in often request these tips and feel dissatisfied when they don't receive them, whereas the deeper work is slower and often feels less directly relevant to the problem. On the other hand, as my supervisors frequently point out, the tips are only helpful if the parent is in a place where they can hear and internalize them, and deeper work is often necessary to get the parent to that place.
So here is a parenting book with few tips or guidelines -- a "how-we rather than a how-to," as the authors put it. Their point is that, in order to parent effectively, you need to be in a position where your own issues don't get in the way. Most parents want to be good parents and even have a lot of the knowledge of how to do it "right," but find themselves unable to access and apply their knowledge in the moment when things are intense. The authors draw on psychobiology, attachment theory, and some Bowenian concepts to illustrate how greater self-knowledge can get you to a point where you can parent optimally as opposed to going with your knee-jerk reaction and simply putting out fires.
Much of this book was review for me, as I am pretty familiar with the theories. I suppose the review was helpful, as was having language that I might be able use when I explain these concepts in a session. But for me, the book didn't really take off until Chapter 7 which discussed the "high road," when we're feeling rational and choosing our reactions from a calm place, versus the "low road," when we're reacting from a place of intense emotion and responding on auto-pilot rather than choosing our reactions. This book describes the process of entering the low road and guides you in terms of recognizing when this happens and becoming more self-aware so that you can circumvent it or at least minimize the impact. I also liked Chapter 8, which discussed ruptures (communication breakdowns) between parents and children and how to deal with them. Finally, Chapter 9 discussed ways parents can build mindfulness and empathy in themselves and in their children which will help everyone operate less from the low road and more from the high road.
In addition, this book offers some introspective exercises designed to build self-knowledge in this realm (these exercises may also be helpful for therapists to use with their clients) and some psychobiology sections which are interesting if you like that sort of thing and easy to skip if you don't.
Overall, even though I didn't feel that I was gaining from the book all the way through the reading process, I did appreciate the final chapters and feel that the concept is an important one.
Many of my clients come in with difficulties around childraising, and it's always a struggle for me between giving them childraising "tips" versus helping them uncover the deeper issues that are making it difficult for them to parent effectively. Parents who come in often request these tips and feel dissatisfied when they don't receive them, whereas the deeper work is slower and often feels less directly relevant to the problem. On the other hand, as my supervisors frequently point out, the tips are only helpful if the parent is in a place where they can hear and internalize them, and deeper work is often necessary to get the parent to that place.
So here is a parenting book with few tips or guidelines -- a "how-we rather than a how-to," as the authors put it. Their point is that, in order to parent effectively, you need to be in a position where your own issues don't get in the way. Most parents want to be good parents and even have a lot of the knowledge of how to do it "right," but find themselves unable to access and apply their knowledge in the moment when things are intense. The authors draw on psychobiology, attachment theory, and some Bowenian concepts to illustrate how greater self-knowledge can get you to a point where you can parent optimally as opposed to going with your knee-jerk reaction and simply putting out fires.
Much of this book was review for me, as I am pretty familiar with the theories. I suppose the review was helpful, as was having language that I might be able use when I explain these concepts in a session. But for me, the book didn't really take off until Chapter 7 which discussed the "high road," when we're feeling rational and choosing our reactions from a calm place, versus the "low road," when we're reacting from a place of intense emotion and responding on auto-pilot rather than choosing our reactions. This book describes the process of entering the low road and guides you in terms of recognizing when this happens and becoming more self-aware so that you can circumvent it or at least minimize the impact. I also liked Chapter 8, which discussed ruptures (communication breakdowns) between parents and children and how to deal with them. Finally, Chapter 9 discussed ways parents can build mindfulness and empathy in themselves and in their children which will help everyone operate less from the low road and more from the high road.
In addition, this book offers some introspective exercises designed to build self-knowledge in this realm (these exercises may also be helpful for therapists to use with their clients) and some psychobiology sections which are interesting if you like that sort of thing and easy to skip if you don't.
Overall, even though I didn't feel that I was gaining from the book all the way through the reading process, I did appreciate the final chapters and feel that the concept is an important one.
January 17, 2023
This is the fourth book by this author that I have read. I genuinely find the science based understanding to parenting to top any other parenting advice book I’ve read. I highly recommend every parent read at least “The Whole Brain Child”.
This book is heavily laden with science based information. Neatly dissected into three parts for every chapter: The examples and info, the science based portion (outlined in a gray square for easy identification), and the Digging Deeper section that has references and more works to read if you so choose.
I found this book a titch technical and dry at times, much different than his other three books which were much easier to digest…which is why I took off a star.
This book gives you all the information and tools necessary to understand why you parent the way you do, and how to look within yourself for answers you thought were held within your child’s behavior. The examples were my favorite part as I was able to identify with situations.
There is a difference it wanting to understand your child so you can parent better, and understanding YOURSELF so you can parent better. This book does the later, but also shows how our experiences shape our children’s experiences. It’s changed me for the better.
Highly recommend as a follow up to “The Whole Brain Child”, “No Drama Discipline” and “The Yes Brain”.
This book is heavily laden with science based information. Neatly dissected into three parts for every chapter: The examples and info, the science based portion (outlined in a gray square for easy identification), and the Digging Deeper section that has references and more works to read if you so choose.
I found this book a titch technical and dry at times, much different than his other three books which were much easier to digest…which is why I took off a star.
This book gives you all the information and tools necessary to understand why you parent the way you do, and how to look within yourself for answers you thought were held within your child’s behavior. The examples were my favorite part as I was able to identify with situations.
There is a difference it wanting to understand your child so you can parent better, and understanding YOURSELF so you can parent better. This book does the later, but also shows how our experiences shape our children’s experiences. It’s changed me for the better.
Highly recommend as a follow up to “The Whole Brain Child”, “No Drama Discipline” and “The Yes Brain”.
March 2, 2009
Another excellent book. Read it starting with chapter 7, then going to the beginning. Read it when you find yourself dealing with your child in a very unideal way, knowing it at the time, and still not being able to do otherwise. This book will explain to you why. And explain what is going on in your brain (fight or flight) that makes you unable to be the warm creative loving or patient at that moment...and what to do about it.
Wisdom: when your brain gets stressed in certain ways it gets "vaporlock" and it's really unable to think. What ways? Experiences that remind our subconscious mind (sounds flaky, I know, but they explain the hard science behind it beautifully) of other experiences we didn't like and never took the time to really work out before. So we're having a "gut reaction" and our brain doesn't work.
Book has wonderful detailed scientific/medical sidebars for each chapter explaining how the brain can be involved in building relationships and responding to emotions. About chapter 8 there are a set of questions everyone should think about regarding our parenting and childhood experiences.
By recognizing our "gut reaction" moments just as they start we can modify them...and by figuring out what is triggering them we can sometimes get over having them in the first place.
Wisdom: when your brain gets stressed in certain ways it gets "vaporlock" and it's really unable to think. What ways? Experiences that remind our subconscious mind (sounds flaky, I know, but they explain the hard science behind it beautifully) of other experiences we didn't like and never took the time to really work out before. So we're having a "gut reaction" and our brain doesn't work.
Book has wonderful detailed scientific/medical sidebars for each chapter explaining how the brain can be involved in building relationships and responding to emotions. About chapter 8 there are a set of questions everyone should think about regarding our parenting and childhood experiences.
By recognizing our "gut reaction" moments just as they start we can modify them...and by figuring out what is triggering them we can sometimes get over having them in the first place.
June 28, 2023
کتاب «فرزندپروری از درون به برون » نشر آسیم، مترجم مهرناز شهرآرای.
ایده اصلی کتاب این هست که حل مشکلات خود والدین مخصوصا مواردی که در کودکی داشتن، به طور مستقیم یا غیرمستقیم در فرزندپروری اونها تاثیرگذار هستش. خیلی از احساسات خشم، عصبانیت، ناامیدی، خستگی یا بیکفایتی که در طی بزرگکردن فرزند سراغ پدر و مادر میاد، ریشه در گذشته فرد داره و توی این کتاب با یه سری راهحلها و پرسشها، سعی میکنه در این راه به والدین کمک کنه. قدم اول میتونه درک و فهمیدن این مشکلات باشه.
کتاب مثالهای خوبی رو داره، البته من دوست داشتم بیشتر باشه.
برای توضیح موارد گفته شده هم از نظر روانشناسانه و هم از منظر نوروساینس موضوع رو شرح میده که ممکنه یه جاهایی خیلی علمی و خستهکننده باشه.
من به شخصه یکی دو فصلش رو خیلی دوست داشتم.
ایده اصلی کتاب این هست که حل مشکلات خود والدین مخصوصا مواردی که در کودکی داشتن، به طور مستقیم یا غیرمستقیم در فرزندپروری اونها تاثیرگذار هستش. خیلی از احساسات خشم، عصبانیت، ناامیدی، خستگی یا بیکفایتی که در طی بزرگکردن فرزند سراغ پدر و مادر میاد، ریشه در گذشته فرد داره و توی این کتاب با یه سری راهحلها و پرسشها، سعی میکنه در این راه به والدین کمک کنه. قدم اول میتونه درک و فهمیدن این مشکلات باشه.
کتاب مثالهای خوبی رو داره، البته من دوست داشتم بیشتر باشه.
برای توضیح موارد گفته شده هم از نظر روانشناسانه و هم از منظر نوروساینس موضوع رو شرح میده که ممکنه یه جاهایی خیلی علمی و خستهکننده باشه.
من به شخصه یکی دو فصلش رو خیلی دوست داشتم.
February 13, 2013
How your parents treated you, and how you internalized that, affects how you treat your kids. Hmm, not really a surprising statement there, is it? A lot of psychological mumbo-jumbo thrown about, complete with cross-sections of the brain. At one point in my life (fresh out of college) I would probably have found it fascinating and read each word, but now I just felt thickheaded so I skimmed and tried to pick out the key concepts. I feel like I didn't really need all that theory, I just needed to know what are some things I shouldn't do so I don't fuck up being a parent.
The few examples, like about collaborative talk, were brilliant. Don't invalidate their feelings, but try to talk it out. I also heard on a Radiolab episode that our internal voice when we're thinking is actually based on how our parents talked us through something. So I was pretty interested in this. Like if a child falls down and isn't injured but starts crying, don't say "You weren't hurt. You're a big boy. You shouldn't cry." but instead "Looks like you got surprised when you fell down. Are you hurt?" I wish there had been more anecdotes, so I could get the hang of how to react and talk to children. I think I get the idea, but I could really have used more examples, especially about discipline and setting limits. A summary of the concepts at the end of each chapter would have been helpful (like a For Dummies) book. Because, you know, I'm a dummy. And I doubt a sleep-deprived new parent can clear the mind fog enough to appreciate psychobabble.
My oversimplified summary: Empathize with your child, and describe back a situation to him in they way you think he/she sees it. And don't lie (saying you're fine when actually you're not), because they can pick up on nonverbal signals.
I wish there were workshops based on this where people present a scenario, have parents act, then guide them on what might be a better way to act and what to say.
The few examples, like about collaborative talk, were brilliant. Don't invalidate their feelings, but try to talk it out. I also heard on a Radiolab episode that our internal voice when we're thinking is actually based on how our parents talked us through something. So I was pretty interested in this. Like if a child falls down and isn't injured but starts crying, don't say "You weren't hurt. You're a big boy. You shouldn't cry." but instead "Looks like you got surprised when you fell down. Are you hurt?" I wish there had been more anecdotes, so I could get the hang of how to react and talk to children. I think I get the idea, but I could really have used more examples, especially about discipline and setting limits. A summary of the concepts at the end of each chapter would have been helpful (like a For Dummies) book. Because, you know, I'm a dummy. And I doubt a sleep-deprived new parent can clear the mind fog enough to appreciate psychobabble.
My oversimplified summary: Empathize with your child, and describe back a situation to him in they way you think he/she sees it. And don't lie (saying you're fine when actually you're not), because they can pick up on nonverbal signals.
I wish there were workshops based on this where people present a scenario, have parents act, then guide them on what might be a better way to act and what to say.
December 26, 2012
My friend, Wendi, recommended this book and I'm glad that I read it. I had thought that parenting was all about unrecoverable mistakes that would be permanent dings against you and your child, however, Siegel talks a lot about recovery - immediate actions that can be taken to mitigate words said in anger, etc. as well as strategies for recovering years later. This is a very encouraging read for parents like me who don't have it always together in the moment.
March 21, 2025
This was a fairly easy read for the subject matter. Great resource for parents or anyone working with children and families! I think this can be read in small doses and/or used as a reliable guide to come back to
February 10, 2019
If you read one book read this one.....
I’m going to read this annually. I will need a top up.
Loved the examples and loved the metaphors.
Have had great results for incorporating the night time narrative stories of my 3 year kid’s day. I also discuss his emotions. I was only discussing his emotions that felt good at night time. Now we discuss all of them and also discuss the body sensations too.
Thank you to the authors of this book. I feel this really help bring more meaning & joy to the relationship with me & my son.
I’m going to read this annually. I will need a top up.
Loved the examples and loved the metaphors.
Have had great results for incorporating the night time narrative stories of my 3 year kid’s day. I also discuss his emotions. I was only discussing his emotions that felt good at night time. Now we discuss all of them and also discuss the body sensations too.
Thank you to the authors of this book. I feel this really help bring more meaning & joy to the relationship with me & my son.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 16, 2016
Great book for learning how to connect with your child. Scientifically rigorous with great descriptions of the brain and its functions. At times a little dense but well worth it. Great for anyone who was left wanting by Shepherding a Child's Heart.
July 27, 2023
I'm on the search for parenting books to figure out and learn what I missed out on and needed as a kid, which I wasn't provided by my parents. All part of a process to reparent myself and be the parent I need that I never had :) I know what not to do, based on my childhood experience, but not what TO do.
This was a great place to start. Some of the reviews say it's very scientific and technical but I really enjoyed that. There are sections at the end of each chapter that go into great detail of the scientific studies but you can skip these if you're not feeling it.
For my purpose, I found this very helpful! The authors don't immediately tell you how to be a parent, they walk you through all of the grounding steps needed to understand yourself, first, before working with your kiddo. I really wish more parents would do that work, to understand themselves and their relationships mindfully, before having kids. Working with kids and among some of my parented friends, I see too many parents diving into parenthood without therapy, without understanding their triggers, and you see those same generational traumas play out on their own kids.
I loved that the book states that everyone has unresolved issues from their childhood they need to work through with self awareness and self honesty. It's not just us abused kids, ya normies gotta put in work too! ;)
As always, the attachment theory chapters were fascinating. I do wish the authors provided more support for disorganized attachment - they emphasize how deeply affecting childhood trauma is on the individual and their parenting their own kids - but when it came to techniques, their only advice was to talk to someone. Which. Yes. But avoidant and anxious attachment had paragraphs more on techniques to move into secure attachment.
All in all, this was really helpful, definitely a book I would recommend as almost a foundational course to life. Also, it helped support my choice to be childfree. The amount of emotional labor and work, my god. I've enough on my plate with myself. But I am an auntie and wanna be the best I can to those kiddos.
This was a great place to start. Some of the reviews say it's very scientific and technical but I really enjoyed that. There are sections at the end of each chapter that go into great detail of the scientific studies but you can skip these if you're not feeling it.
For my purpose, I found this very helpful! The authors don't immediately tell you how to be a parent, they walk you through all of the grounding steps needed to understand yourself, first, before working with your kiddo. I really wish more parents would do that work, to understand themselves and their relationships mindfully, before having kids. Working with kids and among some of my parented friends, I see too many parents diving into parenthood without therapy, without understanding their triggers, and you see those same generational traumas play out on their own kids.
I loved that the book states that everyone has unresolved issues from their childhood they need to work through with self awareness and self honesty. It's not just us abused kids, ya normies gotta put in work too! ;)
As always, the attachment theory chapters were fascinating. I do wish the authors provided more support for disorganized attachment - they emphasize how deeply affecting childhood trauma is on the individual and their parenting their own kids - but when it came to techniques, their only advice was to talk to someone. Which. Yes. But avoidant and anxious attachment had paragraphs more on techniques to move into secure attachment.
All in all, this was really helpful, definitely a book I would recommend as almost a foundational course to life. Also, it helped support my choice to be childfree. The amount of emotional labor and work, my god. I've enough on my plate with myself. But I am an auntie and wanna be the best I can to those kiddos.
January 28, 2023
Найглибша книга про батьківство з усіх, які я коли-небудь читала.
Тут нема порад, інструкцій в стилі "що робити, щоб твоя дитина..", це книга про глибоку батьківську відповідальність, роботу над собою, про те, що лежить в основі стосунків з дітьми. Читати місцями складно, ви не проковтнете цю книгу за раз, тут багато відхилень і нейробіологію, психологію, тому читання має бути вдумливе, але — ох, як же воно все відгукується в серці 💔
Книга, в якій центр — батьки. Не способи зробити дитину такою, як вам треба, а шляхи глибшого пізнання себе, що в результаті і стає ключовим інструментом для розуміння дитини.
Тут так багато всього.
Про те, як досвід минулого, навіть той, що ми не усвідомлюємо — впливає на наші рішення і реакції. Саме тому ми мусимо бути чуйними з нашими дітьми з перших днів життя.
Про те, яким складним, але важливим є емоційне спілкування, як воно ниточкою переплітає життя батьків і дітей у прив'язаність, як формується відчуття безпеки і довіри, чому це важливо
Про те, як ми спілкуємось і що відбувається в мозку під час цього, як нові нейронні зв'язки формують наше "Я"
Надзвичайно глибоко розкрита тема прив'язаності, дитячої, дорослої. Так гарно описано те, що навіть мають травматичні стосунки в минулому, в наших руках зробити життя наших дітей наповненим любов'ю і чуйністю, треба лише працювати з собою, брати на себе відповідальність, усвідомлювати її.
Тема про те, що діти транслюють те, ким ми є, якими ми є, загалом мені дуже цікава, і тут про це розписано ідеально!
Раджу батькам дітей будь-якого віку, для вдумливого читання, ця книга справді може змінити ваші погляди. А завдання та рефлексійні питання наприкінці кожного розділу надихнуть вас зануритись в себе і зрозуміти, як саме ваше "Я" впливає на дітей і що можна зробити зі своїм сприйняттям себе і світу, щоб життя дитини було кращим.
Книга видавництва @svichado.book
Вважаю її дуже важливою, хоч і не простою❤️
Тут нема порад, інструкцій в стилі "що робити, щоб твоя дитина..", це книга про глибоку батьківську відповідальність, роботу над собою, про те, що лежить в основі стосунків з дітьми. Читати місцями складно, ви не проковтнете цю книгу за раз, тут багато відхилень і нейробіологію, психологію, тому читання має бути вдумливе, але — ох, як же воно все відгукується в серці 💔
Книга, в якій центр — батьки. Не способи зробити дитину такою, як вам треба, а шляхи глибшого пізнання себе, що в результаті і стає ключовим інструментом для розуміння дитини.
Тут так багато всього.
Про те, як досвід минулого, навіть той, що ми не усвідомлюємо — впливає на наші рішення і реакції. Саме тому ми мусимо бути чуйними з нашими дітьми з перших днів життя.
Про те, яким складним, але важливим є емоційне спілкування, як воно ниточкою переплітає життя батьків і дітей у прив'язаність, як формується відчуття безпеки і довіри, чому це важливо
Про те, як ми спілкуємось і що відбувається в мозку під час цього, як нові нейронні зв'язки формують наше "Я"
Надзвичайно глибоко розкрита тема прив'язаності, дитячої, дорослої. Так гарно описано те, що навіть мають травматичні стосунки в минулому, в наших руках зробити життя наших дітей наповненим любов'ю і чуйністю, треба лише працювати з собою, брати на себе відповідальність, усвідомлювати її.
Тема про те, що діти транслюють те, ким ми є, якими ми є, загалом мені дуже цікава, і тут про це розписано ідеально!
Раджу батькам дітей будь-якого віку, для вдумливого читання, ця книга справді може змінити ваші погляди. А завдання та рефлексійні питання наприкінці кожного розділу надихнуть вас зануритись в себе і зрозуміти, як саме ваше "Я" впливає на дітей і що можна зробити зі своїм сприйняттям себе і світу, щоб життя дитини було кращим.
Книга видавництва @svichado.book
Вважаю її дуже важливою, хоч і не простою❤️
September 5, 2012
I consider myself very lucky to have been raised in a way that made me feel heard, supported, and valued -- an upbringing that I believe led me to be conscious and conscientious of other people's desires and emotions as an adult. I'm about to become a parent myself, and as a former psych major, I was interested to learn more about the practical side of attachment theory, and how parents who had more difficult childhoods could develop the skills to have secure relationships with their own kids.
For someone who wants to have a more loving and thoughtful relationship with their child, this book offers some tools and dialogues to do so, starting with the parents' own understanding of their personal history. It blends psychological research and neurological science (which the authors break into skippable chunks for the uninterested reader) with questions and exercises that encourage individuals to better know themselves, evaluate their innate responses to their kids and the reasons behind them, before taking the "low road" of highly reactive, insensitive parenting. Cheaper than therapy, I think this book could provide helpful context for an adult who had a childhood that they struggled with, about how to be the parent you always wish you had.
This one might be worth me re-reading when my kid eventually arrives and, you know, learns to speak and stuff.
For someone who wants to have a more loving and thoughtful relationship with their child, this book offers some tools and dialogues to do so, starting with the parents' own understanding of their personal history. It blends psychological research and neurological science (which the authors break into skippable chunks for the uninterested reader) with questions and exercises that encourage individuals to better know themselves, evaluate their innate responses to their kids and the reasons behind them, before taking the "low road" of highly reactive, insensitive parenting. Cheaper than therapy, I think this book could provide helpful context for an adult who had a childhood that they struggled with, about how to be the parent you always wish you had.
This one might be worth me re-reading when my kid eventually arrives and, you know, learns to speak and stuff.
Read
May 26, 2023It took a while to finish this one. We had a child of our own and this went back on the shelf for a long time. But I wanted to come back when I had a little more capacity to savor it, and I’m glad I did.
The authors wonderfully blend child and interpersonal psychology with neurobiology in a way that encourages compassionately understanding your story and your child. Every parent is a complex person, each with our own unique stories which will play into our own parenting. But knowing our stories, being attentive to the places that need attending, is deeply important and worthwhile. It can lead us to healthy attachment, not replaying the same unhealthy patterns we have lived out of in the past, but arriving at deeper levels of understanding and connection with our children. In my mind, it would benefit anyone who is considering parenthood.
The authors wonderfully blend child and interpersonal psychology with neurobiology in a way that encourages compassionately understanding your story and your child. Every parent is a complex person, each with our own unique stories which will play into our own parenting. But knowing our stories, being attentive to the places that need attending, is deeply important and worthwhile. It can lead us to healthy attachment, not replaying the same unhealthy patterns we have lived out of in the past, but arriving at deeper levels of understanding and connection with our children. In my mind, it would benefit anyone who is considering parenthood.
August 8, 2018
This is an amazing book. All about how experiences and loss in our earlier lives affect our parenting, and what we can do about it. I highly recommend! Daniel J. Siegel's other parenting books are amazing also.
April 23, 2021
SUPER helpful and illuminating.
October 16, 2025
“Parenting is an opportunity for lifelong learning. Children offer us the chance to be in a relationship that encourages us to deepen our connections with others and with ourselves”
How true of a statement this is, based on my own lived experiences. Postpartum motherhood and parenting in general has forced me to tackle childhood wounds and learn to form healthier relationships with those around me, especially with my 2 year old tazmanian devi..i mean angel.
Another thing that struck out to me is the concept of “metacognition”. I didn’t realize this is something we develop at an early age of childhood. I would say it has taken me 31 years of my life to finally be able to “think about thinking”, how 2 people can have different perspective to the same event.
Each chapter ends with insightful reflection questions, that can be very enlightening along with ofcourse going to therapy. Highly recommend therapy and this book :P.
December 14, 2023
Ця книга не стільки про те, як виховувати дітей, а про те як самому стати готовим до процесу виховання. Моментами було складно читати наукові вставки (але можна їх спокійно пропускати, якби що). Водночас мені сподобалось, що автор надав чимало прикладів та вправ.
"Свідоме батьківство" з тих книг, які потрібно не просто прочитати, а ще й потім довго опрацьовувати на практиці.
"Свідоме батьківство" з тих книг, які потрібно не просто прочитати, а ще й потім довго опрацьовувати на практиці.
April 3, 2025
This was the second time I attempted this book and this time it was more relevant so I was able to finish! I enjoyed connecting my own childhood experiences with who I am as a mom in present day. Gave me an opportunity to think introspectively, which I appreciated. As always, I will take with me only what serves our family. Part of this got a bit technical and dry, but otherwise an interesting read.
November 15, 2021
I was assigned this book as a class reading, and unsurprisingly my developmental psychology and neuroscience-loving brain ate it up! Though I don't have children yet myself, this book provided many opportunities for self-reflection re: my own life experiences so far and how personal relationships with my family members have molded me into who I am today. The premise of this book is a hopeful one: although our childhood experiences (whether positive or negative) significantly shapes the way one parents and form parent-child relationships, we are not doomed to repeat our past experiences if we don't want to. Authors Siegel and Hartzell discuss how through taking ownership of your life events through reflection and processing of unresolved issues, you can "enhance the coherence of your life narrative" and improve your relationship with your child. This book reminds the reader that no parent or person is perfect, but also reminds us that our past experiences don't necessarily need to control our future ones. Each chapter is on a different topic (i.e., how we communicate, how we form attachments, how we disconnect and reconnect), so feel free to skip around as you read. I recommend this book to all parents, educators, or anyone looking for advice on processing past life events.
June 5, 2025
5 stars for content and research; 2 stars for writing style. Goodness this was dry and hard to get through! Felt like one big long research report. Even as a psychologist, I found myself bored and confused. I even skipped the research-focused sections at the end of each chapter. The Inside Out exercises were good but felt overwhelming (make them more bite-size) and not practical. It desperately needed more personal examples or case examples and more illustrations for the concepts. They “tell” instead of “show” constantly. Give me an example of “contingent communication” instead of continuing to tell me how important it is. Show me what “developing a coherent narrative” looks like instead of repeating that it’s important to have a secure attachment with your kids when you didn’t have one. Again, the information is solid and so important. It’s too bad they didn’t use a ghost writer or have a good editor or someone who could breathe life into this dry piece of science.
July 13, 2022
A lot of the neuroscience went over my head (ooo a pun!), but understanding it isn’t necessary for the benefits of this book. The authors even suggest skipping the science-y bits if that’s what’s right for you.
I gained more understanding about brain development: it happens in the early years and is heavily affected by a child’s environment and how they are being treated by parents and other caregivers. It took some of the shame away for me for flipping my lid on my kids, but old habits die hard (read: wired neurons must be rewired for new ways of doing things), so I have work to do to continue improving. And, much to my dismay, continuous improvement is our life’s work. I will never be perfect at emotional regulation, but neither will anybody else. Losing it less and less often is all we can aim for.
I gained more understanding about brain development: it happens in the early years and is heavily affected by a child’s environment and how they are being treated by parents and other caregivers. It took some of the shame away for me for flipping my lid on my kids, but old habits die hard (read: wired neurons must be rewired for new ways of doing things), so I have work to do to continue improving. And, much to my dismay, continuous improvement is our life’s work. I will never be perfect at emotional regulation, but neither will anybody else. Losing it less and less often is all we can aim for.
November 16, 2013
A lovely book. As I began reading I felt like there wasn't going to be anything new for me in this book after already reading so many attachment oriented books. However, I learned a lot and uncovered a lot of forgotten childhood history that was playing a role in my frustration and difficult motherhood moments. I feel inspired to keep improving myself and my relationships and growing from the reflections I made because of this book.
May 1, 2019
If you want to read this book all the information is summed up in the last section (about 3 pgs) entitled Reflections. I can sum it up in two sentences: (1) Making sense of your past experineces will help you make sense of your interactions with your children and others (2) remember that your children are people with feelings too.
July 25, 2018
The best book on parenting I’ve ever read. The title may deceive. The “inside” is not the child’s heart but rather the the parents self-awareness. Great book for any parent or soon to be parent.
May 23, 2023
Good information said in a boring way
September 4, 2021
This book is excellent if you are looking to parent differently than you were parented. Instagram is bloated with infographics and experts attempting to support parents on that journey, but if you’re serious about being the parent your child needs, and not being the parent you were conditioned to become… this is the book. Each chapter has an anecdote, an explanation in regular person words, and then an explanation of the neurobiology and neuroscience behind the theories. For a psychology nerd, this is exceptional. A lot of it was honestly above my head.
It legitimately reshaped my perspective of my childhood, and allowed me to see more clearly the things I would want to repeat for my own child, and things I can see now were not helpful. If you’re going to read this book, do the journaling activities- this is where the real growth comes from!
It legitimately reshaped my perspective of my childhood, and allowed me to see more clearly the things I would want to repeat for my own child, and things I can see now were not helpful. If you’re going to read this book, do the journaling activities- this is where the real growth comes from!
June 16, 2020
This book was incredibly helpful for me to identify some "learned" parenting strategies that I had picked up from my own upbringing... some which were simply a norm for that generation, but that we now know how to do better from the science behind what children really need. An invaluable resource to grow as a parent and as a person, as well as to learn how to forgive the mistakes of our own parents that probably learned them from their own parents... and so on.
A positive way to break unhealthy cycles, and just less than ideal cycles, without feeling like you are placing blame on your own loving parents for the way they parented. It was uncomfortable to work through at some points, but SO necessary for growth and to give the best to our children.
A positive way to break unhealthy cycles, and just less than ideal cycles, without feeling like you are placing blame on your own loving parents for the way they parented. It was uncomfortable to work through at some points, but SO necessary for growth and to give the best to our children.
May 24, 2021
This was a great parenting book, but tough because it encourages you to deal with the emotional baggage from your own childhood to help you be a better parent. It’s based in attachment theory, if you’re familiar. I would say that the main idea is, seeking to understand, reflect, and support your child’s emotions helps you to maintain connection as you teach your child. It goes over how our past influences our parenting behaviors, why we sometimes act in habitual ways that we aren’t necessarily proud of, and how to repair connection when mistakes inevitably occur. I definitely identified some things I’ll be working on.
March 8, 2021
I didn't particularly enjoy reading this book - it's a bit dry, but there's a lot of interesting information, including some new ways of looking at things I hadn't thought of before despite a lot of reading on topics like this. I like how each chapter has a separate section at the end of it digging into the brain science behind the chapter topic, which can be skimmed or skipped on a first read or if you're not interested in the deep dive.
September 6, 2020
If you're looking for solid examples of how your parenting is affected by how you were parented, this is a solid place to start. There's detailed scientific explanations of why we do what we do as parents. And while some of it is very dense to read through, overall I thought it was helpful.
Chapter 5 on attachment, chapter 6 on adult attachment, and chapter 7 on keeping to together/falling apart were the most useful for me.
Chapter 5 on attachment, chapter 6 on adult attachment, and chapter 7 on keeping to together/falling apart were the most useful for me.
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