I am sitting in my living room alone. I just ate my dinner, which was the same as yesterday's. I have started thinking about tomorrow, just as I did yesterday evening, and I think a subconscious awareness of the repetitiveness of my life dawned upon me as I got ready to go to bed. then I remembered that a few months ago I stumbled upon this writer and downloaded this short story. I opened my laptop and I searched for it. It was very difficult to find because I did not even remember the name of the writer, but I searched and searched until I found it. I read on.... As I write these words I feel the pressure of needing to go to sleep, because tomorrow I have things to do, and I felt the pressure as I was reading this short story too, and then Naoya Shiga started talking about the wasp, and I felt in my suicidal workaholic attitude the same indifference for life which the wasps show to the dead one as they toil their days away, unaware that the lifeless corpse lying meekly before their eyes is the light towards which they toil every day from dawn to dusk. Like Shiga, I have also witnessed a lot of animals die. But two stuck with me. The first one was when I was about ten. I was walking with my father and we saw a cat stuck under a truck as the driver continued to drive back, unaware of the cat's struggles and cries for life. I was shocked to see my father running and screaming to alert the driver. I think I had just realized that death was universal and that it scared all of us and its sight pushed us unwillingly towards action. The second time it was a pigeon I had that got sick, and my friends told me to just slit its throat and feed it to cats, or else it would infect the other pigeons and they would all die. Unbeknownst to me, the knife my friends had given me was dull, and it simply unveiled my intentions to the bird which was now torn between the confusion of its illness and the horrors of the knife that had just crushed its throat without slicing it, adding only to its distress and to its breathing difficulties. I remember that I wanted to kill it with my hands to prove to my friends that I was a man, but when I saw it open its mouth in a desperate attempt to breathe, my strength dissolved into a feeling of what Julia Kristeva likes to call an abject. As it struggled to catch its breath I not only realized my failure to kill it swiftly, but I had also, and much worse, realized that I had caused it to suffer the worst of horrors. To me at least that would be the worst of horrors. I do not know if animals experience horror. I think they do. And if they do, then that animal must have experienced so much horror, realizing that what I had just failed to do was about to be repeated but successfully, and knowing itself to be helpless in the face of this impending fate. A friend then took the dull knife, and he continued the same mechanical slicing movement, and the bird suffered what words fail to accommodate. Then the traumatizing calmness of death blessed the black pigeon with white dots and took its life away. All of these terrible memories gushed through my mind painfully as I read the story of Naoya Shiga, and they reminded me of the arbitrariness of death and the unexpectedness of trauma. Now, having taken these thoughts off of my mind with this text which I know isn't a review, I can go to sleep and hope not to suffer from these hyper-visual dreams that have disturbed my sleep recently. I hope I have left all the residues of my childhood in the pages of every story of suffering that I have read. But still, I can't help but think of the black pigeon which, because of me, suffered what I would only imagine in my worst nightmares, and I can't help but think of the rat and the water lizard in Shiga's story; and just like him, when I compare these unsettling images of death with my memories of the times when I was most alive, I fail to see where death ends and were life takes the lead.
Title: Kinoski ni te written by Naoya Shiga Publisher: IBC Pub Time to read: 70 min
seven words summary: care, death, live, bee, mouth, newt, accidental
Discussion Question 1 : Have you ever read Naoya Shiga's works? my answer: Yes!! I love his works. His works include some Christian constituents, so even foreigners can read easily.
Discussion Question 2 : Do you think death and live are two sides of the same coin? my answer: Yes, I think so. Because no one can tell when we die. so we have to live preciously.