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The Game Changer: A Memoir of Disruptive Love
To make an open marriage work, Franklin and Celeste knew they needed to make sure no one else ever came between them. That meant there had to be rules. No overnights, no falling in love, and either one of them could ask the other to end an outside relationship if it became too much to deal with. It worked for nearly two decades—and their relentless focus on their own relationship let them turn a blind eye to the emotional wreckage they were leaving behind them.
The rules did not prepare them for Amber.
“I have a question,” Amber would say. And whatever came next would send a wrecking ball through Franklin and Celeste's comforting illusions. Amber was the first of Franklin’s polyamorous secondary partners to insist on being treated like a person, and the first to peel back the layers of insecurity and fear that surrounded their relationship. Amber was a game changer.
A game-changing relationship is one that uproots and redirects your life. It overthrows your assumptions about who you are and why. It awakens you to possibilities you’d never conceived of. It disrupts. And it is the unspoken elephant in the attractive showroom of polyamorous relationships.
This book is the true story of a game-changing relationship that changed not only Franklin and Celeste’s lives, but the face of the modern polyamory movement.
A game-changing relationship can happen to anyone. How will you handle it when it happens to you?
The rules did not prepare them for Amber.
“I have a question,” Amber would say. And whatever came next would send a wrecking ball through Franklin and Celeste's comforting illusions. Amber was the first of Franklin’s polyamorous secondary partners to insist on being treated like a person, and the first to peel back the layers of insecurity and fear that surrounded their relationship. Amber was a game changer.
A game-changing relationship is one that uproots and redirects your life. It overthrows your assumptions about who you are and why. It awakens you to possibilities you’d never conceived of. It disrupts. And it is the unspoken elephant in the attractive showroom of polyamorous relationships.
This book is the true story of a game-changing relationship that changed not only Franklin and Celeste’s lives, but the face of the modern polyamory movement.
A game-changing relationship can happen to anyone. How will you handle it when it happens to you?
232 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2015
23 people are currently reading
773 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 44 reviews
July 19, 2015
Though it's very well-written and Franklin Veaux is a fantastic and quirky individual, I didn't gain much of anything from reading this book. I felt it was a bit of a let down. The game changing relationship only featured for a moment and it didn't strike me as particularly life-changing. Perhaps this is because I'm one of those natural game changers so it's harder for me to understand how others take years to figure these lessons out.
While this may be a good memoir of the early days of middle-class, white, romantic, and hetero experiences of polyamory it's not very useful for me personally. I loved finding out what a complete geek Franklin is. It's delightful to read about the many beautiful people he met and shared parts of his life with. Yet the lessons he eventually realized would never have been an issue if people in general didn't treat one another in awful ways.
Treating other people like full human beings has always been a central tenet and lesson in my own life. Perhaps for people who aren't minorities the only way they can learn this is to step into unfamiliar places or countercultures and come by them gradually. I suppose for the typical poly person this will be an eye-opening read. But for those of us who've always lived life in the margins and are game-changers, it's pretty standard fare.
All of that said, this is still an important part of poly history and culture. Polyamory is not always easy or simple or beautiful or free of jealousy or bitterness for everyone. For a lot of people it will take them years to express their polyamory in healthy and fulfilling ways. This memoir is a wonderful reminder for me that these tragic and painful experiences do exist in the larger poly community. And if someone can read about it and have it be a game changer in their life then it's done it's job.
So go read it. Even if it doesn't change your life it'll bring a bright light into it.
While this may be a good memoir of the early days of middle-class, white, romantic, and hetero experiences of polyamory it's not very useful for me personally. I loved finding out what a complete geek Franklin is. It's delightful to read about the many beautiful people he met and shared parts of his life with. Yet the lessons he eventually realized would never have been an issue if people in general didn't treat one another in awful ways.
Treating other people like full human beings has always been a central tenet and lesson in my own life. Perhaps for people who aren't minorities the only way they can learn this is to step into unfamiliar places or countercultures and come by them gradually. I suppose for the typical poly person this will be an eye-opening read. But for those of us who've always lived life in the margins and are game-changers, it's pretty standard fare.
All of that said, this is still an important part of poly history and culture. Polyamory is not always easy or simple or beautiful or free of jealousy or bitterness for everyone. For a lot of people it will take them years to express their polyamory in healthy and fulfilling ways. This memoir is a wonderful reminder for me that these tragic and painful experiences do exist in the larger poly community. And if someone can read about it and have it be a game changer in their life then it's done it's job.
So go read it. Even if it doesn't change your life it'll bring a bright light into it.
May 30, 2019
I didn't write a review when I originally read this book back in 2016, but I rated it 4 stars and as I was building an unexpected, intense relationship with a new partner at the time, it really resonated.
However,many of the key women in this book have recently (2019) come out with a very different perspective that has totally changed my view. I would encourage anyone who reads this book to also read their perspective and decide for yourself.
https://polyamory-metoo.com
However,many of the key women in this book have recently (2019) come out with a very different perspective that has totally changed my view. I would encourage anyone who reads this book to also read their perspective and decide for yourself.
https://polyamory-metoo.com
January 1, 2016
I read this book because More Than Two, by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, is my favorite polyamory how-to guide. It has an ethical stance that I really respect and have learned a lot from, and I wanted to hear more about the relationships that had helped Franklin Veaux arrive at that viewpoint.
To a reader of More Than Two, most of the people who appear in this book will be familiar. I felt like I knew most of the story in outline already from the descriptions given in the other book. However, The Game Changer did not feel at all redundant because it approaches its subject matter in a different way. It's a gripping story about working out how to live outside of mainstream expectations while also being ethical to oneself and the people around you. I really appreciate how open Veaux is about the ways he wound up inadvertently hurting people over the years. It's not easy to be self-aware that way, but it's so important. It's also very much the way I've learned in my own life, for better or for worse, and it makes the story feel very human.
There is a value to reading the story laid out chronologically rather than piecemeal. I get a much deeper sense of how the nature of Veaux's primary relationship shaped interactions with other partners, and how this led to Veaux's opinion that ranking relationships tends to have a corrosive effect.
I have approached poly myself with a commitment to not creating that ranking system, but because I do have a spouse, I find that couple privilege can definitely sneak in. I deeply want to meet my partners' needs as people, and I find that this is sometimes easier said than done. Though I think the approach to poly that Veaux and Rickert advocate has been gaining traction, I still find that I often sound really different when I talk with other poly people in my social circle and region. I wanted to read The Game Changer to reinforce my sense of why I don't want to rank partners, and the book definitely makes a strong case for that.
Veaux also has a clear, entertaining writing style that communicates a strong sense of compassion and humanity. It's a pleasure to read his writing, and the narrative of his memoir pulled me through in a compelling way.
To a reader of More Than Two, most of the people who appear in this book will be familiar. I felt like I knew most of the story in outline already from the descriptions given in the other book. However, The Game Changer did not feel at all redundant because it approaches its subject matter in a different way. It's a gripping story about working out how to live outside of mainstream expectations while also being ethical to oneself and the people around you. I really appreciate how open Veaux is about the ways he wound up inadvertently hurting people over the years. It's not easy to be self-aware that way, but it's so important. It's also very much the way I've learned in my own life, for better or for worse, and it makes the story feel very human.
There is a value to reading the story laid out chronologically rather than piecemeal. I get a much deeper sense of how the nature of Veaux's primary relationship shaped interactions with other partners, and how this led to Veaux's opinion that ranking relationships tends to have a corrosive effect.
I have approached poly myself with a commitment to not creating that ranking system, but because I do have a spouse, I find that couple privilege can definitely sneak in. I deeply want to meet my partners' needs as people, and I find that this is sometimes easier said than done. Though I think the approach to poly that Veaux and Rickert advocate has been gaining traction, I still find that I often sound really different when I talk with other poly people in my social circle and region. I wanted to read The Game Changer to reinforce my sense of why I don't want to rank partners, and the book definitely makes a strong case for that.
Veaux also has a clear, entertaining writing style that communicates a strong sense of compassion and humanity. It's a pleasure to read his writing, and the narrative of his memoir pulled me through in a compelling way.
September 28, 2015
This book is billed as a memoir about one revolutionary relationship, but it's really more a cautionary tale of the difficulties of a mono/poly relationship. Franklin and his ex-wife run into similar problems throughout the course of the book until Franklin (finally) gets into a relationship with someone who has enough self-confidence to question the ethics of being treated like a disposable object in order to be in a relationship with him. That, combined with his then-wife's increasingly arbitrary and dogmatic demands about his other relationships, leads him to divorce and pursue a more egalitarian poly lifestyle.
Overall, the narrative is interesting, but feels one-sided. There isn't a lot of complexity to any of the characters; this is very much a polyamorous coming-of-age story, and everything that happens in the book is geared around conveying the ultimate message, which is that freedom, trust, and self-awareness are more valuable than bending over backwards to stay in a relationship, even if it's a long-standing relationship with someone you love a lot. At times the stories made me uncomfortable simply because they reminded me of ways *I've* screwed up while trying to practice polyamory, so I got some good opportunities for reflection out of it.
It's also a pretty interesting snapshot of the poly community in the Southeastern US in the late 90s and early 2000s, so there's a living history component that I thought was a nice bonus.
Overall, the narrative is interesting, but feels one-sided. There isn't a lot of complexity to any of the characters; this is very much a polyamorous coming-of-age story, and everything that happens in the book is geared around conveying the ultimate message, which is that freedom, trust, and self-awareness are more valuable than bending over backwards to stay in a relationship, even if it's a long-standing relationship with someone you love a lot. At times the stories made me uncomfortable simply because they reminded me of ways *I've* screwed up while trying to practice polyamory, so I got some good opportunities for reflection out of it.
It's also a pretty interesting snapshot of the poly community in the Southeastern US in the late 90s and early 2000s, so there's a living history component that I thought was a nice bonus.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 26, 2019
I'm so lucky in so many ways. That I am born in a progressive developed country. That I've been able to have children I wanted. That my life is abundant. And lucky, that others like Franklin Veaux have paved the way for my plural Franklin Veauxrelationship choices on 'new trails through a trackless wilderness.'
I haven't escaped pain in my life, nor would I want to, because pain I've discovered presents a hidden path for growth, to a land where you discover new horizons and limitless possibilities. But as those of us who practice polyamory know, those paths are still unbeaten, still painful. Worse still, it is not only about the pain that you create for yourself, it is also about the pain you inflict on others. Terrible, emotional pain.
And when one of the biggest names in polyamory today writes a book about his own heart-wrenching mistakes, well, you can't help but want to pick it up. This morning I did (and got nothing else done). It squeezed out emotions that I thought long-healed, and reminded me of my own painful past.
My pain was genuine. It just wasn’t her fault. That was another difficult lesson to learn: sometimes, the responsibility for our suffering lies inside, not outside. Insecurity is a sneaky bastard that way; it tears us apart from within as it whispers in our ear, “See what this person is doing to you?” My heart was filled with fire and destruction. I raged in the grip of my own insecurity. And then she was gone. I woke the day after she left, my heart broken, and there was nothing I could do.
In his long awaited book "The Game Changer: A memoir of disruptive love
" Franklin Veaux delivers the back-story of how he's become one of those biggest names. It's not what the book is meant to show perhaps, nevertheless that is what came through for me simply because he honestly describes the process of how he's become the man he is today.
Franklin Veaux practices polyamory compassionately. He treats people as people, not as interchangeable commodities. He is in fact, famous for it. It's a difficult thing to do when we all have needs and all seek to satisfy them through relationships. Often we learn those lessons through teachers and back then Franklin's teacher for so many of these lessons was his girlfriend Amber (the game changer of the title).
“I have a question,” she said one evening. “You say you love having other people in your life. Why don’t you value their agency?”
I scratched my head. The question seemed absurd on its face. Of course I valued my lovers’ agency, their right to run their own lives! My partners were free to do whatever they liked! “What do you mean?” I asked. “I don’t want to control my partners. I don’t want them to belong to me. How do I not value their agency? They can do whatever they want!”
“They can do whatever they want,” Amber said, “except love you the way they want to. Isn’t that what’s most important?”
This isn't a book of overt lessons, like More Than Two
(co-authored with another game changer Eve Rickert). It is a simple tale of love and heartbreak and pretends to be nothing more; it needs to be nothing more. But there are also beautiful passages to take away, inspiring quotes and tender moments packaged between glimpses of the Franklin few of us know, the one whose favourite high school video game was Atari Star Wars, the one who was a drop out from college, the one who loves deeply and passionately. The man who is usually masked on his blog by forthright and highly logical language. In the pages of this book I discovered a poet who believes
All the promises in the world are worth less than tissue paper in the face of the runaway train of time. We can, all of us, be snatched away from the people we love at any moment, no matter how much we want to stay.
And someone who understands some fundamental truths about our reality, and our humanity.
When I was eleven, I learned that one day, billions of years hence, the sun will burn out. The entire world, with all its trees and kittens and people and little fluffy clouds, will become a cold, lifeless cinder. That was my first experience with the Void: the reality that everything will, in time, cease to be.
When you read this book, when not if, you will also realize another fundamental truth. Franklin is not well-known because he's acutely intelligent, loves kink and has paved the way for those who want to love more. He's well-known because in a world where people damage themselves to squeeze themselves into ill-fitting boxes, he's a person who tries to be the best and most authentic version of himself he can be.
Review republished from author's own Book Reviews at Louisa Leontiades
October 12, 2015
Uncomfortably voyeuristic. I had to keep reminding myself that Veaux is a writer I trust, and that he must know what he's doing, but in the end I'm not so sure. The people he writes about are real. How do they feel about his portrayals of them?
I'm not sure this book was necessary. More Than Two was beautiful and noble, and I thought it stood on its own. Now I feel like part of it has been eroded.
I'm not sure this book was necessary. More Than Two was beautiful and noble, and I thought it stood on its own. Now I feel like part of it has been eroded.
June 12, 2019
So many issues here.
November 1, 2021
An easy book to read, an easy guy to react negatively to.
I picked this up because Multiamory talks of Franklin Veaux as being a top read in the limited pool of poly books. Classic story of the kind of person that has his voice heard and leads the way for the rest. I chose not to waste my time or mind on a memoir of mild male narcissism.
Women and queers to the front!
A star was given for the self reflection it helped me with.
I picked this up because Multiamory talks of Franklin Veaux as being a top read in the limited pool of poly books. Classic story of the kind of person that has his voice heard and leads the way for the rest. I chose not to waste my time or mind on a memoir of mild male narcissism.
Women and queers to the front!
A star was given for the self reflection it helped me with.
May 14, 2015
Full review at xcbdsm.com/gamechanger
The Short Version
I finished reading the book less than 24 hours after I received it. It is a compelling story about a fascinating individual. So at its core, it fulfills the requirements of a good auto-biography. Beyond that, it is well-written and structured in a way that gives the reader a great sense of the passage of time and the growth of the individuals across the years. The author successfully portrays both his old and new ways of thinking, and does a great job of connecting the threads between them in a way that really helps you to see the bigger picture of his journey. I was struck by how much I identified with both the author and his struggles. I expressed to others that it was reassuring, in a way, to read about someone like him feeling frustrated and lost and hurt, because I have felt that way. So if he could find his way through the fog and find happiness, then so can we. And if nothing else, at least we know that there someone else out there who understands what the fog feels like. That alone feels really good.
The Long Version
While "More Than Two" inspired me to think about relationships differently and to approach those around me with a new level of compassion and honesty, "Game Changer" instead serves as a source of hope, assuring you that those efforts are worth it. Veaux is someone who I have often held up as a sort of alternative relationships guru (a feeling that was entrenched when I read More Than Two), but in this book, he shows that he has, for much of his life, been just as lost and confused as I have often felt.
When I was about 30 pages away from finishing the book, I wrote a note to the person who had sent it to me saying that I appreciated having the chance to read it. I also told her that I was enjoying it. Immediately after hitting send, I regretted choosing the word "enjoy". The vast majority of this book consists of following along someone's personal journey of incredible turmoil and heartache. Veaux has dug into incredibly painful parts of his life and laid them out for us to learn from. So saying that I was enjoying reading about the suffering and hardship that has led him to the values and ideas that he holds today was not quite accurate. I wrote back to her again and said, "A lot of it is very emotionally difficult, but I am strongly identifying with the struggles and appreciating the opportunity to feel some comfort in the "I'm not alone feelings" while also getting the background perspectives that likely fueled the ideas of "More Than Two". But 'enjoy' is perhaps not the right word for that."
In school, I always remember being frustrated in math class. On tests, I would look at a problem and be able to tell you the answer, but I was also required to 'show my work', demonstrating how I arrived at the solution. I always felt that having the solution was good enough, but others wanted more from me. If "More Than Two" was Veaux's solutions to poly problems, than this book is his way of showing his work. A lot of us, myself included, wanted to know how he reached the conclusions that he has about relationships. A lot of us agreed with him, but still wanted to see the process laid out. This book does that in incredible and painful detail.
Read the full review HERE
The Short Version
“More than anything, I craved being understood.” (Page 134)
I finished reading the book less than 24 hours after I received it. It is a compelling story about a fascinating individual. So at its core, it fulfills the requirements of a good auto-biography. Beyond that, it is well-written and structured in a way that gives the reader a great sense of the passage of time and the growth of the individuals across the years. The author successfully portrays both his old and new ways of thinking, and does a great job of connecting the threads between them in a way that really helps you to see the bigger picture of his journey. I was struck by how much I identified with both the author and his struggles. I expressed to others that it was reassuring, in a way, to read about someone like him feeling frustrated and lost and hurt, because I have felt that way. So if he could find his way through the fog and find happiness, then so can we. And if nothing else, at least we know that there someone else out there who understands what the fog feels like. That alone feels really good.
The Long Version
“I’m not polyamorous because I want to have sex with a bunch of women; I’m polyamorous because of the way I feel about family, commitment, and love." (Page 179)
While "More Than Two" inspired me to think about relationships differently and to approach those around me with a new level of compassion and honesty, "Game Changer" instead serves as a source of hope, assuring you that those efforts are worth it. Veaux is someone who I have often held up as a sort of alternative relationships guru (a feeling that was entrenched when I read More Than Two), but in this book, he shows that he has, for much of his life, been just as lost and confused as I have often felt.
When I was about 30 pages away from finishing the book, I wrote a note to the person who had sent it to me saying that I appreciated having the chance to read it. I also told her that I was enjoying it. Immediately after hitting send, I regretted choosing the word "enjoy". The vast majority of this book consists of following along someone's personal journey of incredible turmoil and heartache. Veaux has dug into incredibly painful parts of his life and laid them out for us to learn from. So saying that I was enjoying reading about the suffering and hardship that has led him to the values and ideas that he holds today was not quite accurate. I wrote back to her again and said, "A lot of it is very emotionally difficult, but I am strongly identifying with the struggles and appreciating the opportunity to feel some comfort in the "I'm not alone feelings" while also getting the background perspectives that likely fueled the ideas of "More Than Two". But 'enjoy' is perhaps not the right word for that."
In school, I always remember being frustrated in math class. On tests, I would look at a problem and be able to tell you the answer, but I was also required to 'show my work', demonstrating how I arrived at the solution. I always felt that having the solution was good enough, but others wanted more from me. If "More Than Two" was Veaux's solutions to poly problems, than this book is his way of showing his work. A lot of us, myself included, wanted to know how he reached the conclusions that he has about relationships. A lot of us agreed with him, but still wanted to see the process laid out. This book does that in incredible and painful detail.
Read the full review HERE
September 28, 2015
This is loosely to More Than Two what The Husband Swap (by Louisa Leontiades) was to its Companion Book: the story of how the author's polyamorous beliefs came to be.
I'll try to keep this without spoilers. This is a pretty short story of the beautiful and terrible things that happened throughout the author's first marriage, which led to the fairly radical idea that, when in a romantic relationship, one person does not own another and is not responsible for setting limits on their behaviour.
The story is remarkable for a few things. Franklin, throughout the entire ordeal (for it is clear that it was an ordeal at times), maintains such a respectful and non-judgmental attitude towards his first wife, Celeste. It is clear the feeling of love was never far from his mind and heart, and that he recognised the problems he was facing as issues regarding compatibility between himself and Celeste as opposed to character flaws that Celeste might've had. This can be incredibly inspirational and important for people who find or discover they are romantically non-monogamous when they are partnered with someone who is monogamous - for there are romantically monogamous people. This is one example that the poly community can draw from to finally get rid of that idiotic belief that poly people are "more evolved" somehow. But I digress!
SPOILER: Another remarkable feature are how loving the couple remain, even as their relationship is struggling and finally, ending. Franklin's confusion at his lawyer and his lawyer's confusion at him during the divorce proceedings was such a stark reminder that we've built up a system of vicious expectations around breakups that encourage enmity, pain and destruction.
I honestly think that the book provides a role model for how to behave lovingly. Especially for men, who are brought up around toxic ideas of masculinity, this radical departure from gendered behaviour is incredibly important. Daring to love this openly and innocently should be a goal for people of any and all genders. I truly believe it would lead to a better world.
It's no secret that Franklin is someone with strong sexual identity & expression, so I am a little sad that that wasn't more woven into the tale. It might've helped more men be both unabashed lovers as well as sexual beings, which is made hard by a sex-negative society as well as negative male stereotypes. Or it might simply have made the book more unpalatable to a general audience..... but still!
I cannot recommend this book enough. Beautiful, short, inspirational. Read it!
I'll try to keep this without spoilers. This is a pretty short story of the beautiful and terrible things that happened throughout the author's first marriage, which led to the fairly radical idea that, when in a romantic relationship, one person does not own another and is not responsible for setting limits on their behaviour.
The story is remarkable for a few things. Franklin, throughout the entire ordeal (for it is clear that it was an ordeal at times), maintains such a respectful and non-judgmental attitude towards his first wife, Celeste. It is clear the feeling of love was never far from his mind and heart, and that he recognised the problems he was facing as issues regarding compatibility between himself and Celeste as opposed to character flaws that Celeste might've had. This can be incredibly inspirational and important for people who find or discover they are romantically non-monogamous when they are partnered with someone who is monogamous - for there are romantically monogamous people. This is one example that the poly community can draw from to finally get rid of that idiotic belief that poly people are "more evolved" somehow. But I digress!
SPOILER: Another remarkable feature are how loving the couple remain, even as their relationship is struggling and finally, ending. Franklin's confusion at his lawyer and his lawyer's confusion at him during the divorce proceedings was such a stark reminder that we've built up a system of vicious expectations around breakups that encourage enmity, pain and destruction.
I honestly think that the book provides a role model for how to behave lovingly. Especially for men, who are brought up around toxic ideas of masculinity, this radical departure from gendered behaviour is incredibly important. Daring to love this openly and innocently should be a goal for people of any and all genders. I truly believe it would lead to a better world.
It's no secret that Franklin is someone with strong sexual identity & expression, so I am a little sad that that wasn't more woven into the tale. It might've helped more men be both unabashed lovers as well as sexual beings, which is made hard by a sex-negative society as well as negative male stereotypes. Or it might simply have made the book more unpalatable to a general audience..... but still!
I cannot recommend this book enough. Beautiful, short, inspirational. Read it!
January 19, 2022
Full review here http://www.thelastchancetosee.com/201...
The takeaway from The Game Changer shouldn't be that polyamory is bad, or good. It shouldn't be that everyone needs to go and find three boyfriends or girlfriends right now, or that we need to go give up all hope of ever finding a perfect romance. The takeaway should be that whatever type of relationship is right for you, know that it is going to be challenging. It will require work. It will require you to be aware of people around you, because your actions will affect more than just you and your partner. And, most importantly, if you're a giraffe hanging out with alligators, go find the giraffes.
The takeaway from The Game Changer shouldn't be that polyamory is bad, or good. It shouldn't be that everyone needs to go and find three boyfriends or girlfriends right now, or that we need to go give up all hope of ever finding a perfect romance. The takeaway should be that whatever type of relationship is right for you, know that it is going to be challenging. It will require work. It will require you to be aware of people around you, because your actions will affect more than just you and your partner. And, most importantly, if you're a giraffe hanging out with alligators, go find the giraffes.
April 22, 2020
A very easy book to read. The story is okay, even though it is very linear and lacking any surprises.
Since it is a biography of the author himself, I expected it to be subjective. However, I didn’t expect it to be this one sided and lacking of any other perspective than of the author himself.
The author does a poorly job of self reflection, and I don’t remember him taking any responsibility, for any of his former experiences.
Read it if you want a perspective of Polygami. But be aware that “me too claims” have been made against him, concerning harm and abuse of the women he portrays in the book.
Since it is a biography of the author himself, I expected it to be subjective. However, I didn’t expect it to be this one sided and lacking of any other perspective than of the author himself.
The author does a poorly job of self reflection, and I don’t remember him taking any responsibility, for any of his former experiences.
Read it if you want a perspective of Polygami. But be aware that “me too claims” have been made against him, concerning harm and abuse of the women he portrays in the book.
December 19, 2021
At best, this is a work of fiction that some of the very women in this book have stepped forward to say doesn't represent accurately the reality of their relationships. There are now eleven people, some of whom are exes or else have supporting testimony, painting Franklin Veaux as someone not to be trusted or believed. Some of those allegations include abusive behaviors such as gaslighting, triangulation, financial abuse, coercion, and violation of boundaries.
Even viewing this as a work of fiction as I do, it's still not particularly good or interesting. Franklin likes to portray himself as this innocent wide-eyed, oblivious man child who is mystified by the world, relationships, and most of all the motivations of the women around him. Amber is written like a stereotypical muse character, meant to be placed on a pedestal. Much of the writing is also very repetitive (He writes "I scratched my head" so many times I wondered if he would be bald by the end) and just rather dull.
I also take great issue with how Franklin portrays jealousy and insecurity in the book (often claiming they are solely internal and even closer to chooses being made by those feeling them which is...strange but ok), and hope people will not take to heart the things he says here. Also worth noting that some of the allegations include stories of Franklin refusing to accept or acknowledge the reality of his partners, repeating his own narrative over theirs. I see that in this book quite often (particularly at Celeste's expense).
Overall, do not recommend. Would rather people read the website put together by the survivors called I Tripped on the (Polyamorous) Missing Stair instead.
Even viewing this as a work of fiction as I do, it's still not particularly good or interesting. Franklin likes to portray himself as this innocent wide-eyed, oblivious man child who is mystified by the world, relationships, and most of all the motivations of the women around him. Amber is written like a stereotypical muse character, meant to be placed on a pedestal. Much of the writing is also very repetitive (He writes "I scratched my head" so many times I wondered if he would be bald by the end) and just rather dull.
I also take great issue with how Franklin portrays jealousy and insecurity in the book (often claiming they are solely internal and even closer to chooses being made by those feeling them which is...strange but ok), and hope people will not take to heart the things he says here. Also worth noting that some of the allegations include stories of Franklin refusing to accept or acknowledge the reality of his partners, repeating his own narrative over theirs. I see that in this book quite often (particularly at Celeste's expense).
Overall, do not recommend. Would rather people read the website put together by the survivors called I Tripped on the (Polyamorous) Missing Stair instead.
April 7, 2020
I felt represented by this book in some parts. As I discover how to live non monogamy I realized that some of the things I experienced in my relationship were sometimes represented by the author. This made me feel that I wasn't the only one, which was good.
On the other hand, sometimes the author tend to assume what his partners were feeling or thinking, which let me with this idea that I need to read the other side of the story, the one told by his partners.
Overall I think it's a good book.
On the other hand, sometimes the author tend to assume what his partners were feeling or thinking, which let me with this idea that I need to read the other side of the story, the one told by his partners.
Overall I think it's a good book.
March 30, 2017
The author, Franklin Veaux, is the grandfather of modern polyamory in my opinion. His memoir highlighted all his struggles with navigating non monogamous relationships when there was no such thing. He made errors that I'm grateful for, sad to say. Those errors made it a lesson on how to treat your partners ethically and with compassion along with not losing who you were ultimately.
His wife Celeste, was a classic example of someone who had a lot of insecurities about herself. Later on in the book it pointed out that she never considered herself polyamorous but monogamous while having sexual relationships with men that she never loved.
Sadly, I know someone who deals with this. While I read it I grew angrier and angrier because this scenario is what someone I care about is experiencing.
I really would like to one day speak to Mr Veaux and thank him for his contributions.
His wife Celeste, was a classic example of someone who had a lot of insecurities about herself. Later on in the book it pointed out that she never considered herself polyamorous but monogamous while having sexual relationships with men that she never loved.
Sadly, I know someone who deals with this. While I read it I grew angrier and angrier because this scenario is what someone I care about is experiencing.
I really would like to one day speak to Mr Veaux and thank him for his contributions.
October 23, 2017
I could not stop reading it!
I didn't know what to expect when I started this book. After the first chapter, I was captivated. Franklin Veaux's coming of age story of how a socially awkward boy became a man who finally said goodbye to fear in his romantic relationships is as compelling as it is quirky.
I didn't know what to expect when I started this book. After the first chapter, I was captivated. Franklin Veaux's coming of age story of how a socially awkward boy became a man who finally said goodbye to fear in his romantic relationships is as compelling as it is quirky.
March 14, 2018
The subject of polyamory came up a few weeks ago over drinks with friends. We’ve seen shows like Sister Wives, but that’s on a whole different level of polygamy. I got curious & looked up the name for the type on non monogamous relationship I was thinking about & then bought the two best books related to it on Amazon.
I am very open to a lot of things, and firmly believe, to each his own. What makes one person happy isn’t what will make another. I enjoyed reading this book. I find it interesting listening to people’s crazy life stories. I think I might pick up more memoirs now, & maybe some more books on polyamory.
I am very open to a lot of things, and firmly believe, to each his own. What makes one person happy isn’t what will make another. I enjoyed reading this book. I find it interesting listening to people’s crazy life stories. I think I might pick up more memoirs now, & maybe some more books on polyamory.
February 7, 2018
It was a bit different than I expected, more of a life story than More than Two which is a guidebook. But I enjoyed hearing and seeing the evolution of the polyamorous community through the eyes of someone who had been involved for many years.
April 11, 2018
Loved reading this memoir by Franklin Veaux. Since he was first navigating being polyamorous before the age of the internet, it's fascinating to read about his experiences and how they've helped him grow.
January 19, 2022
This book was interesting. As a poly person I'm grateful that I wasn't dating age at the same time as the author. This is a textbook example of what to avoid when pursuing polyamory. The tech anecdotes that paralleled the story were kinda strange and didn't grab my interest.
October 10, 2017
It warmed up to me once I had a shift in how I viewed Franklin as he presented himself in the book.
February 12, 2018
didn't get super engaged but it did hold my attention. made me think about the possible pitfalls of rules in/about relationships.
April 21, 2018
Thoughts pending
June 23, 2018
I. AM. SHAKEN. This book is a game changer.
July 3, 2019
An enlightening view on love life of someone very much different, and at the same time so similar, to most everyone I know. The side stories about computer geekery were also very heartwarming.
July 7, 2020
A good book to read in combination with more than two.
October 3, 2015
Oh man. I've never met the author, but I want to buy him a beer or a cup of tea. Many states away, I was making a lot of the same mistakes in polyamory for different reasons. . Like the author, I did it, that was fifteen years ago now, and I've regretted it ever since -- I feel terrible about having treated my erstwhile partner so badly through no fault of her own. Like the author, I swore I was never going to do that again, and I haven't. I didn't deliberately set out to be some kind of relationship radical, and it's more than a little ironic to me that my long-ago ex expected me to leave her, considered that the thing you do to secondaries, and forgave me for it. Even then, I felt it was wrong, but could do no other and remain a woman of my word. The best solution I've come up with since is just to not promise that kind of hierarchical preference in the first place... but that didn't get me out of the situation where I had, and had to choose.
I appreciated the author's sensitive handling and fair treatment of the different perspectives of the other people in his life, and his admissions of fault and imperfection as he tried stumbling his way through figuring out how to have relationships full of kindness, honesty, and ethical connection. I don't know if a 20 years ago version of myself would read this and take the cautionary tale from it... I was young and pretty headstrong. But the woman I've grown into can look back ruefully and hope other people will be wiser and more aware as a result of reading these kinds of experiences. This must have been a very difficult book to write; I'm sure it must have been a difficult set of experiences to live through for everyone as well.
I appreciated the author's sensitive handling and fair treatment of the different perspectives of the other people in his life, and his admissions of fault and imperfection as he tried stumbling his way through figuring out how to have relationships full of kindness, honesty, and ethical connection. I don't know if a 20 years ago version of myself would read this and take the cautionary tale from it... I was young and pretty headstrong. But the woman I've grown into can look back ruefully and hope other people will be wiser and more aware as a result of reading these kinds of experiences. This must have been a very difficult book to write; I'm sure it must have been a difficult set of experiences to live through for everyone as well.
November 21, 2016
After reading More Than Two I enjoyed learning a bit more about Franklin's life. I think it adds some context around important pillars of polyamory. Ex. you can see where the secondary bill of rights comes from.
My notes:
“Sexual intimacy can be a gateway to emotional intimacy. Even when it’s confined to text over a computer screen.”
We started talk about sex but also about our hopes and dreams, our past loves, the millions of little details that make up our lives.
"Life rewards people who move in the direction of greatest courage.”
In any relationship there will be times when chaos slips in through some backdoor or crack in the ceiling. It happens. We’re all born of frailty and error.
As I’ve gone about this business of placing my heart in other people’s hands and placing their hearts in mine. I’ve learned that when those moments occur there’s often an instant, right as the start, when we make a choice. It’s a tiny choice that happens in a fleeting instant. Sometimes too fast for us to register but it’s there.
It’s the instant where we choose compassion or not. When we follow our hearts in the right direction. Or when we sigh, give into frustration, and head down the path of
“God damnit I had plans to watch TV tonight and then maybe wash the dog. Anything that’s more fun than dealing with human beings who have needs. Why can’t you be more convenient!?”
Choosing the path of compassion is always the right way.
“You do not always get to have a comfortable relationship when you are in love with a dragon slayer.”
Our relationship may look unusual but it is no less real.
My notes:
“Sexual intimacy can be a gateway to emotional intimacy. Even when it’s confined to text over a computer screen.”
We started talk about sex but also about our hopes and dreams, our past loves, the millions of little details that make up our lives.
"Life rewards people who move in the direction of greatest courage.”
In any relationship there will be times when chaos slips in through some backdoor or crack in the ceiling. It happens. We’re all born of frailty and error.
As I’ve gone about this business of placing my heart in other people’s hands and placing their hearts in mine. I’ve learned that when those moments occur there’s often an instant, right as the start, when we make a choice. It’s a tiny choice that happens in a fleeting instant. Sometimes too fast for us to register but it’s there.
It’s the instant where we choose compassion or not. When we follow our hearts in the right direction. Or when we sigh, give into frustration, and head down the path of
“God damnit I had plans to watch TV tonight and then maybe wash the dog. Anything that’s more fun than dealing with human beings who have needs. Why can’t you be more convenient!?”
Choosing the path of compassion is always the right way.
“You do not always get to have a comfortable relationship when you are in love with a dragon slayer.”
Our relationship may look unusual but it is no less real.
December 27, 2015
I knew this book was going to scare me, as the monogamish partner of a polyamorous person who isn't very comfortable with the whole idea of loving multiple people, and it did. Though very different from More than Two, I think this is a very well-written book. I wish that we had been able to see more of how Celeste actually felt and what she actually thought, instead of just Franklin's interpretations of where she was coming from emotionally. As he states himself multiple times in the book, he doesn't understand monogamy, which was painfully apparent to me as he described fears his secondary partners had or conditions they were living under as unfair without seeming to realize how Celeste was also living under those conditions/fears simply by being with someone who had other loves as a mono-amorous person. That was difficult for me, and keeps the book from getting a fifth star from me.
March 20, 2017
I read this for my book club (which focuses loosely on themes around sex, kink, alternative relationship models, gender and sexuality). From briefly scanning the summary before I began, I expected something much more didactic, but instead it's an engaging and forthright memoir, describing the author's exploration of relationship models over several decades. (Incidentally, it also chronicles his participation in the development of various aspects of computer technology and the formation of online communities over those same decades, which was just about as interesting.)
I only realized towards the end that the author also ran the online polyamory resource that I found invaluable when I was researching the subject five or six years ago. This look behind the curtain at how he (and other contributors) developed the perspectives that informed that website was also quite interesting!
I only realized towards the end that the author also ran the online polyamory resource that I found invaluable when I was researching the subject five or six years ago. This look behind the curtain at how he (and other contributors) developed the perspectives that informed that website was also quite interesting!
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