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Shaping Clay #25
Defiant
Clay Dillon is neuroqueer, and he needs to make peace with it. After thirty years, he finally knows the truth: that he is and always has been autistic, and that most of his problems getting along came from a lack of awareness of himself a lack that came not from being autistic, but from having no knowledge of the gap between what he knew of his own needs and what others expected them to be. This is changing, though, and the change brings a freedom that is at once great and terrible. It grants him answers, but it also alters his ways of perceiving himself. Feelings that were dismissed at puberty are rushing to the forefront of his perceptions, and Clay is beginning to question what his desires are, and even who he is, as his world shifts around him.
"Clay's move from compliance to defiance, from heteronormative and allistic performance to honesty and inner strength, is narrated in clear, stunning, and revelatory language." - N.I. Nicholson, author of Novena (remixed) and Editor-in-Chief of Barking Sycamores
"Michael deftly navigates Clay's exploration of the shifting boundaries of disclosure and his struggles to balance his personal and professional lives, bringing both insight and unflinching honesty to the narrative." - Cynthia Kim, author of I Think I Might Be Autistic and Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappopriate
"For many of us a late-in-life autism diagnosis asks as many questions as it answers. Defiant takes a bare bones approach in speaking to readers from that very angle." - S.R. Salas, author of Black and White: A Colorful Look at Life on the Autism Spectrum
"Clay's move from compliance to defiance, from heteronormative and allistic performance to honesty and inner strength, is narrated in clear, stunning, and revelatory language." - N.I. Nicholson, author of Novena (remixed) and Editor-in-Chief of Barking Sycamores
"Michael deftly navigates Clay's exploration of the shifting boundaries of disclosure and his struggles to balance his personal and professional lives, bringing both insight and unflinching honesty to the narrative." - Cynthia Kim, author of I Think I Might Be Autistic and Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappopriate
"For many of us a late-in-life autism diagnosis asks as many questions as it answers. Defiant takes a bare bones approach in speaking to readers from that very angle." - S.R. Salas, author of Black and White: A Colorful Look at Life on the Autism Spectrum
156 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2015
2 people are currently reading
235 people want to read
About the author
Michael Scott Monje Jr.
7 books31 followersMichael Scott Monje, Jr. is the pen name of Athena Lynn Michaels-Dillon, the ringleader of the Puzzlebox Collective. Michael/Athena's prior projects include the Shaping Clay blog, as well as the Shaping Clay series of novels, Mirror Project, and The US Book. Her work has appeared in Neuroqueer: The Journal, Barking Sycamores, and other venues.
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
June 17, 2015
Defiant, by Michael Scott Monje, Jr.
Michael Scott Monje’s first novel featuring Clay Dillon, Nothing is Right, was a recent favorite of Autism Book Club, and so I was thrilled to see that Monje’s new book, Defiant, also features Clay. Defiant is one of the first books put out by Autonomous Press, which says (on the cover page of Defiant) that it is “owned by disabled workers…(and) seeks to revolutionize academic access”. The first pages of Defiant give clues as to why this particular novel would be chosen by Autonomous Press as one of its first selections. Its opening chapter contains one of the remarkably subtle depiction of the power dominance encountered within the traditional model of therapy, a model in which the counselor (a psychologist, in this case) determines the goals and the flow of the session. No matter how well-meaning the therapist may be, the goals are remediation of any condition that isn’t normative. In this instance, the condition is autism.
But autism isn’t Clay’s problem. As he tells Dr. Williams, “…knowing I’m autistic has answered a lot of the questions I used to have about why some things seem to be so hard for me. It’s more of the ‘what do I do next’ that I want help with.” But the answer to Clay’s question goes unanswered in these sessions, as the steamroller of her training rolls right past Clay’s tentative beginning. This might make Dr. Williams sound evil, but in Monje’s portrayal, she’s not. She’s just wrong.
The reader, of course, gets the benefit, as Dr. Williams does not, of Clay’s inner perspective. Clay’s internal monologue shows his struggle to keep up with the pace of the words, sensory input, and activity around him. It also shows, as well as anything I’ve ever read, those verbal gaps where speech is completely inaccessible. Despite Clay’s graduate education, and his clear intelligence and verbal acuity, many times he simply cannot process his thoughts, feelings, or responses into words. There are other times when the words he utters – in anger, fear, or sheer overwhelm – he doesn’t control himself, and of which he may not even be aware.
Fortunately, Clay has Noahleen, his long-time partner. Noahleen is a wonderful character, far removed from the always-supportive and cheerful partners that are the bane of disability literature. Noahleen, in fact, is the partner who receives disability support, as a result of an adult-onset seizure disorder. It’s Noahleen who struggles to find her definition as a disabled person, while Clay struggles to maintain his role of caregiver, adjunct University faculty, and to process his own growing discomfort in his own skin. This discomfort is both metaphorical and, increasingly, literal.
“I want to get better!” Clay yelled. “I want to feel good, to be able to walk into a room without worrying how bright the lights will be. I want to feel good without losing control of my arms, and I want to be able to feel bad without my clothes pulling tight around me. What the hell does that have to do with making eye contact and saying someone’s name so they know I’m talking to them? How does that help? I’m trying to find out how to stop suffering, and you’re playing Miss Manners.” (p. 36)
Defiant shows the complex life of an autistic adult, one who struggles with the vagaries and stresses of unwritten job responsibilities; with relationships, intimate and professional; with debt and poverty and the decisions that these dictate, particularly surrounding self-care and medical choices. It also portrays the intimacy that’s possible in a trusting relationship, and the physical pleasures that come without filters. Clay’s life is complex, volatile, fragile and compelling. Defiant’s ending, with its suddenly unexpected complexity, implies that there’s more to come in his unfolding and evolving story.
Michael Scott Monje’s first novel featuring Clay Dillon, Nothing is Right, was a recent favorite of Autism Book Club, and so I was thrilled to see that Monje’s new book, Defiant, also features Clay. Defiant is one of the first books put out by Autonomous Press, which says (on the cover page of Defiant) that it is “owned by disabled workers…(and) seeks to revolutionize academic access”. The first pages of Defiant give clues as to why this particular novel would be chosen by Autonomous Press as one of its first selections. Its opening chapter contains one of the remarkably subtle depiction of the power dominance encountered within the traditional model of therapy, a model in which the counselor (a psychologist, in this case) determines the goals and the flow of the session. No matter how well-meaning the therapist may be, the goals are remediation of any condition that isn’t normative. In this instance, the condition is autism.
But autism isn’t Clay’s problem. As he tells Dr. Williams, “…knowing I’m autistic has answered a lot of the questions I used to have about why some things seem to be so hard for me. It’s more of the ‘what do I do next’ that I want help with.” But the answer to Clay’s question goes unanswered in these sessions, as the steamroller of her training rolls right past Clay’s tentative beginning. This might make Dr. Williams sound evil, but in Monje’s portrayal, she’s not. She’s just wrong.
The reader, of course, gets the benefit, as Dr. Williams does not, of Clay’s inner perspective. Clay’s internal monologue shows his struggle to keep up with the pace of the words, sensory input, and activity around him. It also shows, as well as anything I’ve ever read, those verbal gaps where speech is completely inaccessible. Despite Clay’s graduate education, and his clear intelligence and verbal acuity, many times he simply cannot process his thoughts, feelings, or responses into words. There are other times when the words he utters – in anger, fear, or sheer overwhelm – he doesn’t control himself, and of which he may not even be aware.
Fortunately, Clay has Noahleen, his long-time partner. Noahleen is a wonderful character, far removed from the always-supportive and cheerful partners that are the bane of disability literature. Noahleen, in fact, is the partner who receives disability support, as a result of an adult-onset seizure disorder. It’s Noahleen who struggles to find her definition as a disabled person, while Clay struggles to maintain his role of caregiver, adjunct University faculty, and to process his own growing discomfort in his own skin. This discomfort is both metaphorical and, increasingly, literal.
“I want to get better!” Clay yelled. “I want to feel good, to be able to walk into a room without worrying how bright the lights will be. I want to feel good without losing control of my arms, and I want to be able to feel bad without my clothes pulling tight around me. What the hell does that have to do with making eye contact and saying someone’s name so they know I’m talking to them? How does that help? I’m trying to find out how to stop suffering, and you’re playing Miss Manners.” (p. 36)
Defiant shows the complex life of an autistic adult, one who struggles with the vagaries and stresses of unwritten job responsibilities; with relationships, intimate and professional; with debt and poverty and the decisions that these dictate, particularly surrounding self-care and medical choices. It also portrays the intimacy that’s possible in a trusting relationship, and the physical pleasures that come without filters. Clay’s life is complex, volatile, fragile and compelling. Defiant’s ending, with its suddenly unexpected complexity, implies that there’s more to come in his unfolding and evolving story.
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February 19, 2018DNF. Not my cup of tea.
This might have been a brilliant explanation of autism but to me it felt as if a lot of things were missing and a lot of extras from different diagnoses were left out undiagnosed.
This might have been a brilliant explanation of autism but to me it felt as if a lot of things were missing and a lot of extras from different diagnoses were left out undiagnosed.
April 28, 2023
I admittedly don’t think this is very good as a novel. I wouldn’t say it’s *bad*, necessarily; I don’t believe there is such a thing as a bad book, and even if I did, I don’t have the education in literature to justify that assertion.
What it is is a great illustration of neurodivergence (and to a far lesser extent queerness, to the extent that they’re separate). Approaching this as a theoretical text rather than a literary text was very rewarding for me.
What it is is a great illustration of neurodivergence (and to a far lesser extent queerness, to the extent that they’re separate). Approaching this as a theoretical text rather than a literary text was very rewarding for me.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews