When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships

by Jill Cory, Karen McAndless-Davis, Lundy Bancroft (Foreword)

“Every woman who is struggling to understand the mistreatment she is experiencing in her relationship should begin by reading [this] wonderful book.”—Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?   What do you do when the one you love hurts you?   Have you been searching for answers to difficult questions about your relationship? Do you feel confused about why your partner seems loving one moment and angry the next? Summoning the courage to ask these challenging questions can seem daunting. You know something is wrong in your relationship, but you are not sure what. If you are beginning to wonder if you are experiencing abuse, this book can offer you support, information, and, most of all, hope as you look for answers.   Written by two women with a wealth of experience supporting victims of abuse, When Love Hurts introduces exercises and resources to help you make sense of your relationship, addressing all forms of abuse, including verbal, emotional, financial, sexual, and physical.   This practical guidebook is a supportive and nonjudgmental friend to those who don’t know where to turn and is filled with stories from women who have been in the same position. By drawing on your own wisdom and that of the many others who have shared your experience, When Love Hurts can help you find the answers you have been looking for.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Abuse, Mental Health, Relationships, Feminism

206 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 1, 2000

Reviews

[Lianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely geared towards women experiencing abuse in their relationship but it was still extremely insightful and also extremely heartbreaking. This book was recommended by pretty much everyone at my work (since we work so closely with abused women) and it really opened my eyes to the struggles and effects of being in an abusive relationship. Would recommend to just about everyone - no matter what your situation is, it might be super helpful knowledge for helping a friend who might be in an abusive relationship!

[Jode Edwards · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent. 4 stars because only focuses on women experiencing abuse in relationships with men. Would like to see more inclusion of same sex relationships and men who experience power/control behaviors from women.

[Ariel Demo · Rating 5 out of 5]

*not a cry for help I promise my dear Goodreads friends*
So beautifully well written and so sensitively geared towards the target demographic. I think maybe every woman should read this just for the knowledge of warning signs or the optics of what to look for in your friends and family
Really, really good read

[Degan Walters · Rating 4 out of 5]

Resource for work as a counsellor, this is a really good overview for women who have experienced partner abuse. it has lots of examples and exercises that help support.

[Ashley Nichols · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will recommend this book to everyone questioning their relationship. My favorite things is it doesn’t demand you leave or encourage you to stay. It says over and over again that you know your situation and the best way to keep yourself safe. Very in depth discussions of the use of power and control in relationships. Charts and graphs are used to show abusive behaviors and respectful behavior. Very compelling.

[Penny Johnston · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives words to a topic that can be difficult to express to others--the multi-faceted experience of abuse within intimate relationships.

"He's never actually hit me, but ..."

Abuse isn't all physical, and the authors of When Love Hurts do a good job of explaining how abuse can also be verbal, emotional, financial, spiritual, or even cultural.

The authors explain that abusers do what they do in order to gain or maintain power and control over someone. Their actions follow a cyclical pattern. A British Columbia University study revealed that abusers, regardless of the varied forms of abuse they employ, share a common belief system. They hold three erroneous beliefs.
1.) They believe they are central (most important) in a relationship. Everything should revolve around them.
2.) They believe they are superior to others.
3.) They believe they are deserving. Ex: That they deserve to be served/"waited on" by their partner, but that their partner doesn't deserve the same from them, etc.

In contrast, in a healthy relationship, both partners are interested in having:
1.) Connection with their partner. The needs of the family or the relationship come before the needs of one spouse alone.
2.)Equality with their partner. Each partner is equally valued.
3.)Mutuality with their partner. Responsibilities are shared, the partners care for one another, support each other's interests, and are respectful of each other.

Abuse is a difficult topic many people want to avoid, but this book tackles it head-on, in a sensitive way that gives readers understanding and hope.

Recommended not only for people who have experienced abuse, but also as an excellent resource for counselors, pastors, doctors, family members, and friends who want to help--and to better understand.

[Blane Rivera · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read

[Joclyn]

Really good book. Read to recommend to patients who are in abusive relationships… for “classic” male/female relationships.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely a lot of reallllly good information in this book. Would have preferred some information on gender neutral language in DV relationships but hopefully in their next addition:)

[Tan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very compassionate and affirming book for women confused by their partner's mistreatment.

[Ray · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little bit of context: I read a lot of these sorts of books for school. If you're reading this review, thinking that the book applies to you, and wondering if you should buy/read it or nothing at all, READ IT in a way that's safe for you to access. Maybe audiobooks are safer than having a physical copy on your shelves. Maybe asking a librarian to keep your copy nearby so that you can read it when you stop by without ever bringing it home feels safest. Whatever works for you, it's better to be informed than not.

Now, onto the review!

The Good
- For the theory nerds, this baby uses a trauma-informed perspective
- The language is super accessible and the chapters are short, making it easy to pick up/put down
- There are plenty of different formats of activities you can use to better understand your specific situation
- The order of chapters makes sense
- It never tells you that you have to leave
- The authors share personal stories/anecdotes

The Bad
- This is the straightest and more cis-gendered approach to talking about abuse I've seen in a minute
- Despite centering women as the survivors, there aren't any exercises/discussions about the intersections of womanhood/femininity and survival (there are mentions of stereotypes/gender roles though!)
- Overlooks the possibility that the survivor could be someone else's abuser

[Side note: if you'd like a book that does include those kinds of exercises, check this one out [book:Healing the Trauma of Abuse: A Woman's Workbook by Copeland, Mary Ellen, Harris, Maxine (2000) Paperback|157549931] ]

The interesting
- It separates verbal, emotional, and intellectual abuse into separate categories
- The book changes the names, but included direct quotes from the authors' abuse support groups

[Janice Forbes]

The presentation is unusual, as a travel journal or personal diary. It contains personal accounts of fairly ordinary relationship troubles. An interesting, short read, providing a helpful window into the personal lives of contributors. This book seems more suited to a younger person starting out in life. For my own reasons, including cultural and lifestyle differences, for a long time I've not had the luxury of indulging in the kinds of immature emotional outbursts detailed here. The key messages are: even when the relationship doesn't last, there are lessons to be learned; where we are being harmed by the relationship, including most particularly by abuse and violence, it is preferable to be out of it sooner; yet close relationships are a serious matter, emotionally, and it can be difficult for either party to end a relationship, cleanly. There is helpful advice on getting over it. Most importantly, the book underlines that we are not alone and our experiences are common to many people. Some people who have experienced relationship traumas, care enough to help others navigate their way more easily through some of the bullshit, including the authors.

[Michele L. · Rating 5 out of 5]

WHAT BELIEF SYSTEM IS HELD BY ABUSIVE MEN? This statement is well worth the cost of this book alone! I read it on the heels of Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? Both books together ended a lifetime of self-doubt & self-blame. If you're feeling demoralized, confused & desperate for answers, this book may help you as much as it's helped me. Emotional abuse is tied to a belief system which espouses inequality in relationship, whether truly narcissistic or not. Every abuser thinks they have the right to abuse. Most are well aware that they're abusing. The abuse IS the problem, NOT you or your response to it! This book will help you discover what you're dealing with & why it's NOT your fault!

[Aubri Black · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you want to start understanding abuse in relationships, this is a must-read. It brings a lot of clarity to the crazy-making and confusion of abusive relationships. It explains the cycle of abuse, the power and control wheel and the impact of abuse. Useful for those currently in abusive relationships, those who were in one, and those who want to try to understand what it is like.

[Missy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book provided validation of the many feelings associated with different forms of abuse and the circumstances involved. Many of the examples were in some form relatable. The book offered some suggestions on how to prepare, cope, and understand grief and loss involved in dealing with abusive relationships.

[Katie Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships, gaining the courage to choose freedom, and learning how to support those who are currently in or trying to leave abusive relationships. A practical guide filled with hard-won wisdom, applicable for survivors and advocates alike.

[Kristen Kelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

An invaluable resource for women who find themselves in hurtful relationships or those who are helping them. I found the power and control wheel especially helpful, putting words to aspects of abuse that may be a struggle for women to articulate.

[Brittany Pike · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was mentioned by a few women I know - I learned a lot and it was great at explaining the complexity of this unfortunately too common issue. It was well written with exerpts of women's lived experiences. I loved how non-judgmental the writers are.

[Necol or Eli Dickson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book about working through an abusive relationship, found it was more for people who suffered physical abuse or very obvious forms of abuse and didn't as much cover more subtle signs of abuse but overall info was still very good.

[Eram Cowlas · Rating 4 out of 5]

heartbreaking read, but full of God tips ti help understand if you or someone is in an abusive relationship. Aimed at women abused by men, so it might be a difficult read if you are in an abusive relationship that does not fall along that dichotomy.

[Melanie Stanford · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this for research for my latest WIP and found it very informative and well-written.

[Jennifer Louise · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent resource for women struggling with abusive men in intimate partner relationships. As a therapist, I have recommended this book and the associated support groups to clients.

[Candace · Rating 4 out of 5]

The discussion of abusive scenarios (that are non-physical) and the grieving process were valuable portions.

[Mihaela Pertea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love is not supposed to hurt. Period.

[Paulina Romo · Rating 5 out of 5]

It explains everything so clearly. Everything is so well organized. Perfect for someone that is in survival mode. This book has been so helpful. Couldn't be more grateful for the authors !

[Rebecca Kerny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, relationships is difficult. Horribly, when parents abuse feelings with kids (and their relationships). Abuse relationships may be with friends, family or love. And if this love is true for you - you should speak more with her. And if you want to marry her, you should keep emotions and always see situations with toxic relationships and https://calmerry.com/blog/emotional-abuse/how-to-recognize-gaslighting-and-what-to-do-about-it/ (know how to respond to gaslighting).

[Anna T · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tõesti üks hea raamat lähisuhtevägivallast. Ei ole ülemäära pikk, aga üllatavalt sisukas! Lundy Bancroft'i "Miks ta seda teeb?" on antud teemal endiselt mu absoluutne lemmik, aga peab tunnistama, et "When love hurts" tuli sellele ikka väga lähedale. Soovitan!

[Beks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant book!

Written by a husband and wife team - his perspective and hers.

It proves that not all men exhibiting abusive behaviours are actually aware that they are doing it.

Reading some of his side, helps understand - which regardless of the hurt (and anger) is the first steps towards somekind of forgiveness/peace (I hope).

[I-ki · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very helpful and enlightening for women who have experienced abuse. It answers a lot of questions about their relationships and the abusers. Reading this book can bring an "Aha" lightbulb moment in times of darkness.

[Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is one of the most comprehensive workbooks for women experiencing violence in their intimate relationships with men. it is my most recommended resource for both women who have experienced violence/abuse, and professionals who work with them.