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Through a Man's Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men
What Happens When Women See What Men See?
You already know that your husband, boyfriend, or son is wired differently from you, but do you know what that really means? It means, among other things, that he’s been given the gift of a unique visual wiring— and the challenges that come with it.
In Through a Man’s Eyes , Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross team up to help open our eyes to something we are often blind to. They address questions
· “Why are guys so visual—and what does that mean, anyway?”
· “How do I help my son navigate this sex-crazed culture?”
· “How dare someone tell a woman to watch what she wears! Isn’t it a man’s responsibility not to look?”
· “If he’s tempted by visual images, is there something wrong with him? With me?”
· “My husband is an honorable guy, so why would he be tempted by porn?”
· “How can I talk to my husband or son about this? What can I do to support him?”
Through the compassion and candor in this book, we can learn what men have long wished we knew (but didn’t know how to explain)—and see the difference it makes when we do!
You already know that your husband, boyfriend, or son is wired differently from you, but do you know what that really means? It means, among other things, that he’s been given the gift of a unique visual wiring— and the challenges that come with it.
In Through a Man’s Eyes , Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross team up to help open our eyes to something we are often blind to. They address questions
· “Why are guys so visual—and what does that mean, anyway?”
· “How do I help my son navigate this sex-crazed culture?”
· “How dare someone tell a woman to watch what she wears! Isn’t it a man’s responsibility not to look?”
· “If he’s tempted by visual images, is there something wrong with him? With me?”
· “My husband is an honorable guy, so why would he be tempted by porn?”
· “How can I talk to my husband or son about this? What can I do to support him?”
Through the compassion and candor in this book, we can learn what men have long wished we knew (but didn’t know how to explain)—and see the difference it makes when we do!
192 pages, Paperback
Published July 21, 2015
58 people are currently reading
330 people want to read
About the author
Shaunti Feldhahn
96 books355 followersShaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is catalyzing a movement of kindness across the country and beyond. Dozens of prominent organizations and leaders are coming together to do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and encourage their followers to do the same.
Shaunti’s findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and Cosmo. She (often with her husband, Jeff) speaks at 50 events a year around the world. Shaunti and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta with their teenage daughter and son, and two cats who think they are dogs.
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is catalyzing a movement of kindness across the country and beyond. Dozens of prominent organizations and leaders are coming together to do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and encourage their followers to do the same.
Shaunti’s findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and Cosmo. She (often with her husband, Jeff) speaks at 50 events a year around the world. Shaunti and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta with their teenage daughter and son, and two cats who think they are dogs.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 46 reviews
November 23, 2021
Through the lens of this book that facilitated how the innate wiring of men’s brains was programmed “generally” though not “individually,” I get a glimpse into threads of connection and experiences that are insightful and hurtful at the same time. The book was a good reading as the take on was based on Christian’s perceptions that deserved much respect. Some readers may find the plain truth behind the claim based on the beliefs of religious views edgy. Inevitably, some others prefer a more scientific backup of the topic. However, the book has laid a good foreground for readers who want an essential background to how men think and see. What is sticking with me now is the cold hard truth and the comprehension of what I can do about this knowledge, improvise it, and make good use for the betterment of the relationship.
June 1, 2016
I downloaded this book assuming that it was a sociological study...it is not. It is a religious tract with claims to be backed by many studies on how to train your sons and help your husband to keep their thoughts pure through Christian concepts.
Found it not readable, and having little value
Found it not readable, and having little value
December 1, 2015
Eh. I've read and enjoyed others of Feldhahn's books, especially For Women Only. I got a lot of good information from it and the faith part of her message was very low-key. In this book, the faith/Christian/God message is predominant. There is a little information about the visual nature of men, which is what I was after, then there is A LOT about living a pure thought life and what God wants your husband or son to do and how to get men to circumvent their visual nature. It just wasn't for me. I am not interested in how this visual nature makes men do bad things -- I don't agree with that view. I AM interested in understanding how men are wired differently and how that makes them think and behave differently.
February 17, 2022
Describing basic human nature while also furthering societal “issues” to render an absurd narrative on how modern humans should be expected to live
October 7, 2020
Debunked silly nonsense based on an opinion, with no foundation or proof, that men are visual and women aren't. Unscientific opinion piece written by religious people. Literally the only difference between men & women when it comes to noticing physical attractiveness is entitlement. Women notice attractive men ALL THE TIME. However, making it obvious you are looking is a choice and means you are an ill mannered boor, of either sex and if people notice you noticing you are making a choice to be rude and possibly intimidating.
Unconsciously and instantaneously women check out the shoulder to hips ratio, package if from the front and, if it's from behind, his bottom. Literally the only difference is women are raised not to be impolite and disrespectful.
Everyone looks. Both sexes. Both women and men vary individually of course.
You'd also do well to read the book What Do Women Want by Daniel Berner. Study after study shows that women are not only as sexual as men, they may even be more so. If you hear hoofbeats, think horses. Women are not always with men they find sexually attractive, for all sorts of reasons based on societal behaviours. And they cannot admit their normal sexual drives because to do so is dangerous to them.
https://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/bo...
Using scientific studies the book shows how women, as a sex, are not naturally monogamous, they start to lose interest in their mates around the 3 year mark. I mean, it makes perfect sense, when you strip out the sexism. Why would we have a clitoral area with thousands more nerve endings than men, and be capable of multiple orgasms, if we weren't supposed to be sexual?
If she's saying she doesn't want sex, chances are she's saying she doesn't want sex with him, not sex in general. We, women and men, are wired for polygamy physically however for most of we are wired for monogamy mentally. Monogamy is always a choice for both sexes.
And, of course we would do much better to accept that we cannot possibly know what men would behave like, or how the world would look at all, if males were all raised by women who know their worth and refuse to allow or excuse any entitlement, based on sex. Boys will be respectful, responsible and accountable. Just like girls.
Unconsciously and instantaneously women check out the shoulder to hips ratio, package if from the front and, if it's from behind, his bottom. Literally the only difference is women are raised not to be impolite and disrespectful.
Everyone looks. Both sexes. Both women and men vary individually of course.
You'd also do well to read the book What Do Women Want by Daniel Berner. Study after study shows that women are not only as sexual as men, they may even be more so. If you hear hoofbeats, think horses. Women are not always with men they find sexually attractive, for all sorts of reasons based on societal behaviours. And they cannot admit their normal sexual drives because to do so is dangerous to them.
https://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/bo...
Using scientific studies the book shows how women, as a sex, are not naturally monogamous, they start to lose interest in their mates around the 3 year mark. I mean, it makes perfect sense, when you strip out the sexism. Why would we have a clitoral area with thousands more nerve endings than men, and be capable of multiple orgasms, if we weren't supposed to be sexual?
If she's saying she doesn't want sex, chances are she's saying she doesn't want sex with him, not sex in general. We, women and men, are wired for polygamy physically however for most of we are wired for monogamy mentally. Monogamy is always a choice for both sexes.
And, of course we would do much better to accept that we cannot possibly know what men would behave like, or how the world would look at all, if males were all raised by women who know their worth and refuse to allow or excuse any entitlement, based on sex. Boys will be respectful, responsible and accountable. Just like girls.
March 28, 2022
Here is another book by Shaunti Feldhahn telling Evangelical women how to travel through the world of men.
Prior to this book being written a group called Rebelution did a modesty survey which was praised by Shaunti Feldhahn. The survey results and answers were found to be so problematic that they were taken down. Somewhere along the line these young men answering the survey must have been exposed to troublesome teachings regarding women’s bodies.
Shaunti Feldhahn gives no space to the topic of how excessive modesty shaming can be incredibly damaging.
The book opens telling the story of a man who has been “ bombarded” by sexual imagery. He gets home from work and it is implied that his wife is then supposed to be his outlet.
Much of the book describes the visual nature of men. As others have pointed out it paints men in a very narrow view.
Men get more sympathy for being bombarded by sexual imagery than the average Evangelical woman would get for not resisting a cookie.
Craig and Shaunti tell women they must remain Uber attractive to their men—- it will make it easier for their men to not sin.
Not all men are like Craig and Shaunti describe. Generally men who don’t share the extreme modesty views espoused in the book have a more positive view of women.
So many women have told their stories about how these extreme modesty teachings have been harmful——why do authors like Shaunti Feldhahn choose to dig their heels in and not believe them?
Shaunti and her books are wolves in sheep’s clothing. You might find a helpful nugget here and there but eventually you will see her agenda clearly——she is there to tell you how to travel through the world of men.
If you are looking for something uplifting—-this isn’t it.
As a side note it isn’t clear that her coauthor Craig Gross really follows a life that is congruent with the typical Evangelical.
Prior to this book being written a group called Rebelution did a modesty survey which was praised by Shaunti Feldhahn. The survey results and answers were found to be so problematic that they were taken down. Somewhere along the line these young men answering the survey must have been exposed to troublesome teachings regarding women’s bodies.
Shaunti Feldhahn gives no space to the topic of how excessive modesty shaming can be incredibly damaging.
The book opens telling the story of a man who has been “ bombarded” by sexual imagery. He gets home from work and it is implied that his wife is then supposed to be his outlet.
Much of the book describes the visual nature of men. As others have pointed out it paints men in a very narrow view.
Men get more sympathy for being bombarded by sexual imagery than the average Evangelical woman would get for not resisting a cookie.
Craig and Shaunti tell women they must remain Uber attractive to their men—- it will make it easier for their men to not sin.
Not all men are like Craig and Shaunti describe. Generally men who don’t share the extreme modesty views espoused in the book have a more positive view of women.
So many women have told their stories about how these extreme modesty teachings have been harmful——why do authors like Shaunti Feldhahn choose to dig their heels in and not believe them?
Shaunti and her books are wolves in sheep’s clothing. You might find a helpful nugget here and there but eventually you will see her agenda clearly——she is there to tell you how to travel through the world of men.
If you are looking for something uplifting—-this isn’t it.
As a side note it isn’t clear that her coauthor Craig Gross really follows a life that is congruent with the typical Evangelical.
September 19, 2019
Intriguing read. A convicting and revealing message about the intense sexual battles of our generation. I particularly appreciate the firm yet gracious approach to times of failure. Great resource for parents and youth workers.
July 3, 2024
You will understand how men see life in certain ways—and why. You will understand the impact—both the negative and the positive—that it could have on their relationships with you and others.
He hears the shower running in the master bathroom a few feet away and the watery sounds of his wife humming happily. An image of what she looks like right now, standing there in the spray, jumps to his mind, and he feels his body respond. He smiles as he remembers what she looked like in this bedroom late last night, and he savors a few mental images.
The sound of the shower shutting off snaps him out of his reverie.
As he pushes open the door, he sees his wife hastily wrapping a towel around herself—What a shame—and smiles at her as he says good morning.
His brain starts to imagine what she looks like under that towel, but he shuts down that train of thought. No sense making himself crazy; she’s running to work and so is he.
As usual, she seems to have missed doing up those top two buttons.
A giant invisible magnet instantly draws Jack’s eyes to the top of her lacy bra and the perfect form inside. And as usual, in that nanosecond he has two powerful forces wrestling within him. He feels a tightening in his gut and a temptation to consume that pleasurable image for as long as he can before Abbie sees him. But he also wants to honor his wife (and God) in his thought life and to respect Abbie as a person and colleague.
He fights a desire to turn around and take a look at her back view, which is usually interesting too.
Now the only problem is that he has to fight several attempts made by other images of Abbie—other outfits, other glimpses
He’s having trouble concentrating on them. What else can he think about to distract himself? What’s his next task again?
Oh right! Cole’s numbers!
seductive woman try to draw his gaze—eyes that say I want you.
Jack again feels that desire to look. Because he’s behind the girls, he could look with impunity and feel the pleasure of consuming all those exhilarating images.
But Dionne is polished and professional without being provocative. Her suit is pretty, but it isn’t tight. Her top doesn’t show a thing. And when she sits down next to Jack to work through a series of spreadsheets, her skirt is long enough that it doesn’t ride up.
women simply aren’t aware of what man’s visual nature even means, or how much it impacts literally every area of most men’s lives and relationships. And ironically, because men often aren’t aware that women aren’t aware of this part of their lives, they may not ever talk about it, or know how to explain it if they do.
men are visual…and women are blind to it.
Consequences like that same ten-yearold boy, six years later, wanting to try certain things with his girlfriend that he never would have thought of on his own—and his girlfriend, in her confusion, assuming it must be normal and going along with it.
book called For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men
you are telling men it’s okay to look
How can I ever trust him again now that I know he’s tempted to look at other women?
Much of how he processes life—even what he thinks and feels—is tied to what he sees. By contrast, the brains of women have a very different focus: our brains are wired for emotional and verbal processing in a way that is very different from men.
And that visual orientation is especially attuned to sexual images. a guy far more likely to perceive certain sights as sexual in nature in the first place.
This same wiring also means that his initial reaction to those images is far more likely to be instantaneous arousal: a gut-level, pleasurable, automatic reaction. In fact most women have never experienced the same sort of involuntary, gut-level, instinctive physical reaction of pleasure to visual and sexual images that many men experience daily. And since most of us have never experienced it, we have no idea that men do.
when you haven’t eaten all day and are famished, then walk into a dinner party and spot a tantalizing buffet. The moment you see the wide array of yummy-looking dishes, you have an instantaneous, physical reaction. You’re hungry, you may salivate, and boy, you want to consume that food!
You can now rapidly think things through and make a decision: Go over and stuff your face with chocolate? Or wait politely, keeping a lid on your hunger, until your host says it’s time to eat?
When a man walks into a room and sees that hypothetical woman who is dressed in a way that calls attention to her great figure, the man’s nucleus accumbens lights up, and he has an involuntary, biological, gut-level reaction of pleasure from seeing that image and a desire to consume that image. Not a desire for that person exactly, but the image. Just as you would instinctively be drawn to consume the food, he is instinctively drawn to savor that image because it would feel really good to do so.
But a moment later the thinking centers in his brain kick in, and now he has a choice. Does he decide to experience the pleasure of looking at that attractive woman who is showing off all her assets? Or does he look away to honor God—and his wife, if he’s married—in his thought life? (Or maybe he and his wife are the only members of the dinner party, and he can look all he wants!)
Although neuroscience shows that the very first reaction is instinctive and biological rather than voluntary,8 the next step is a choice. This is where a man moves from temptation to a healthy, righteous action—or from temptation to sin.
It is also important to note that a man’s reaction is different if the image is attractive but isn’t perceived as sexual. Men are able to appreciate beauty just like we are, after all, and that includes noticing that a woman is attractive—without any physical reaction.
We need to recognize the most important reason why men are visual. Their brain structure didn’t just pop into existence by chance: God designed them this way.
We also don’t have to give in to the notion that men’s visual nature naturally objectifies women (Guys think we’re not people; we’re just bodies to be lusted after).
Playboy was porn, to be sure, but compared to what is out there now, it was relatively tame.
wanted to undress every woman with my eyes
Most guys like looking at women. And they like looking at or imagining naked women.
The difference is that the generally honorable guy will at least try to reserve those looks and those thoughts for his wife (or future wife), whereas another sort of man has absolutely no problem giving his coarser thoughts free rein.
This also means that today’s sexualized culture is actually pretty comfortable for the jerk to live in—and pretty difficult for the guy who wants to be honorable.
But since this is a book for women, it is essential to learn what being visual means, without flinching from the reality that even the nicest and most respectful men face temptation in today’s culture.
His Attraction to Other Images Has Nothing to Do with You
If you are married or dating, you may be irritated or hurt by the thought that your man could be physically attracted to someone other than you. After all, if you’re like most women (although not all!), you can notice that the male movie star on the cover of People magazine is very attractive—and yet have absolutely no personal, physical attraction toward him or his body, much less any desire to absorb every detail of his image. You don’t know him or truly want to be with him.
And just because there is a part of me that is stimulated by that sight doesn’t mean I want it to be. It doesn’t mean I want to have sex with her! At least that is the case for most guys who usually work to shut down those thoughts. Now, yes, teenage boys will wrestle with that thought! But that age is also when you start trying to turn off those thoughts, or you’d never accomplish anything else in life.
Every mall, parking lot, or television show is a minefield—from the photographs in the Victoria’s Secret store windows to the packs of beautiful girls in cheerleading shorts at sports events to the sexy images on beer commercials. And because women aren’t wired the same way, we don’t tend to notice the minefield in the same way.
Girls need to know what they’re doing to guys when they tempt them, visually. A girl’s equivalent might be how she responds to touch. How would you feel if guys were able to come up and touch you, all day long, whenever they wanted to? How much would you be able to concentrate on school?
Imagine how frustrating it would be to be constantly stimulated in that way and not want to be. Imagine that you go to the mall and every fifteen minutes while you’re walking the hallways or sitting at the food court, an attractive guy walks by you and runs his fingers over the skin of your arm as he passes, or reaches over and puts his hand on your knee. Your physiology is designed to be stimulated by that touch, so it may feel good, but this is happening without your consent and you don’t want to be stimulated by these total strangers.
The problem is that as soon as a man is confronted by one sexual image, his brain can start to remember others he’s seen.
book His Brain, Her Brain, by Walt and Barb Larimore.
A powerful emotion-processing area of the brain, the amygdala, acts as a kind of holding tank for impressions and memories that are tied to gut-level responses (such as, for a guy, visual ones).
For women, because we are created to more readily process emotion, those gut-level impressions and memories are much more likely to be feelings. For example, you can remember with excruciating clarity what it felt like last year when one of the other moms in your playgroup said something derisive about you in front of everyone else, or how shocked and betrayed you felt when your husband took his mom’s side in an argument.
Whereas women’s memories are tied more to what they have felt, men’s memories are tied more to what they have seen. Their memories are like photographs or videos stored on a computer, and when one photo is pulled up, it can start the whole slideshow.
I did an experiment and discovered that in a random test the percentage of men who remembered the four points in a ninety-second video dropped by 25 percent if they saw cleavage. In other words: cleavage impairs hearing.
All of this is why I (Craig) can tell you that guys are usually pretty grateful to see a woman dress in a way that is stylish but that doesn’t draw overt attention to her body: it means she has made it a nonissue, so the trigger just isn’t there.
she isn’t dressing in neon signs that read “Look here! Look at my body!”
a typical man has no idea that during the day his wife (if she is like most women) does not find herself suddenly fantasizing about him with his clothes off. (And to be honest, most men are quite disappointed when they learn that truth.)
he’s biologically tempted to mentally undress her. In our For Young Women Only survey, 85 percent of teenage boys admitted to that temptation.
The next temptation is to savor that image in privacy somewhere and to, well, self-stimulate.
Because most men have no idea that women don’t see the world in the same way, they assume that when a woman views an attractive member of the opposite sex, her mental response is the same as theirs. They assume, therefore, that a woman or a teenage girl who is dressing to call attention to her body knows the exact impact she is having on the men and boys around her. Thus, they think she’s doing it on purpose. In other words, in their minds there’s only one reason why she dresses that way: she wants the guys around her to fantasize about her naked.
Now, Shaunti tells me that most girls and women are actually horrified at this idea
Instead, these women said they simply wanted to feel confident about themselves, feel attractive, or wear what is in style. In other words, women and girls like getting attention, but they don’t realize that attention isn’t at all the type they want.
A man’s eyes are one of the gateways to his emotions. The connection between his eyes and his heart is quick and powerful.
She assumed that once they were married their sexual relationship would fill him up and that he would have no need to look at porn.
As we said in the last chapter, a man can be (and usually is) attracted to an image without being emotionally attracted to that person. But this doesn’t mean that his visual experience has no emotions attached. It does. It is just that those emotions focus inward—not on her, but on him.
As a boy or a man looks at an image of a scantily dressed woman, and as all that activity happens in his brain, some powerful feelings are stirred up. Not memories of feelings (as a woman might have), but current feelings: Looking at that image makes him feel powerful. Desirable. Like a man.
And one reason those feelings are so seductive is that they soothe a hidden and painful self-doubt that most men have, but that most women don’t know is there. Contrary to what I (Shaunti) used to think, men hide a great deal of painful self-doubt behind their confident exterior.
You know how as a woman, you have a little voice deep down inside you that sometimes wonders, Am I lovable? Am I special? Am I beautiful? Well, men have deep questions too, just different ones. Their thoughts sound more like, Am I any good at being a husband? Do I measure up? A man deeply wants and needs to feel appreciated, respected, and capable. He wants to be good at what he sets out to do as a husband, boyfriend, student, salesman, friend, and so on—but isn’t sure he knows how. All too often, in fact, he feels like an imposter. So always in the back of his mind is a very real insecurity that someone’s going to find out he isn’t sure of what he’s doing. About 75 percent of men on my surveys felt this way. They said they worry that they don’t measure up…that they are inadequate…or, worst of all, that the most important people in their lives will look at what they do and say it isn’t good enough.
When you notice what your husband does and thank him for it (“You are so sweet for noticing that we were low on milk and going to the grocery store early, so I didn’t have to”), he feels that he does measure up. And similarly, when you and your husband go to bed at night, and you reach for him and show him that you want him sexually, he feels that he is worth affirming, that he is the desirable man he wants to be for you.
research, countless men have told me that they only shy away from true intimacy and vulnerability because they are fearful of getting hurt. But when a man sees that a woman is safe to trust with his tender heart, it is not only a pleasure but an overwhelming relief to have a stalwart companion who sees his weaknesses…and believes in him anyway. That man, perhaps for the first time in his life, instinctively wants to have someone with whom he can be fully vulnerable and real. All of this means that true affirmation and compassion help to weaken and break the lure of pornography.
I’m like an alcoholic who knows I can never open the door to just that one drink. But as long as I keep that door firmly closed, by the grace of God, it is easier to keep it closed.
just like superheroes, those men are so rare they might as well be theoretical.
Maybe it’s exposed skin, the hint of a bra strap, or a plunging neckline; maybe it’s a dress that covers everything but is so tight that it accentuates every curve of a woman’s body; or maybe it is even a sexual phrase that stirs up visual curiosity.
Still others might in fact do an online search for the name of the model, look at some more images of her, and then close the window before they (in their minds) go too far.
if the boy sees the girl in the short shorts drop something and bend over to pick it up, he probably is going to look.
Sometimes I make comments like, “Really, baby, you had to stay on that channel for that long? Was that appropriate?” Or, “I see you staring at women, and it’s not right, and it makes me feel horrible.” I just cannot understand why if he is such a strong Christian man, I am not good enough for him. I wonder if he is going to cheat on me. And it is consuming my thoughts.
It is destructive if the wife becomes the police. Men don’t need a critic but an encourager.
So how do you understand where your loved ones are and how to support them?
Don’t try to figure this out unless you can do it in a healthy way, as a supporter and cheerleader, rather than as a monitor and detective.
sharing candidly and constructively
put himself in the category that best represents him
So to get that clinical understanding, watch his eyes. Watch his body language. Look at his facial expressions. Where do his eyes land? How long do they stay there? Does he try to turn his eyes away? How many visual triggers confront him that he doesn’t look at? The latter two questions are just as important to acknowledge and understand.
By paying attention to these things for a few days, your own eyes will be opened and your understanding ignited. The goal here is not to pounce on him or catch him in the act.
The goal is simply to observe and understand how his mind works and what’s going on with the man or boy you love.
The goal is also to understand accurately, rather than allow a dangerous misunderstanding. As one specialized counselor put it, “Your task is to observe and not interpret. Don’t start thinking, He looks at women with big breasts and I don’t have them, so he’s not satisfied with me. Because although the reality is that, yes, his brain is fascinated with breasts, he likes his wife’s and wants his wife’s. It can be so tragically, unnecessarily damaging if she starts comparing herself and creates meaning that likely isn’t even there.”
Something important to remember about tough conversations is this: when you can bring humor into them, or at least acknowledge their awkwardness up front, you can deflate possible tensions before they escalate.
the level of their lust is directly related to how much of our bodies is available to lust after. The less we advertise, the less opportunity we give them to covet our bodies.
While men are responsible to honor us with their eyes and minds, when we dishonor ourselves by what we wear
undress women in their minds
It’s not like you sit around at Starbucks going, “You got images?” “Yep, I got images.”
When I ask men what it is that has the most magnetic draw for a man—what makes it the hardest not to look—the responses I hear most often are “her curves” or “a glimpse of anything that is supposed to be hidden.”
men have mentioned how often women will wear leggings or spandex shorts, without something like a tunic to cover them up. After all, they point out, those outfits hug every curve of a woman’s body just as if she were naked—vividly maximizing her assets.
simply slipping on a jacket over a tight top, wearing a cami under a low-cut shirt, wearing a pair of running shorts over spandex, or putting on a longer top over leggings will make a trigger much less likely.
here are some ways you can give him healthy, wholesome visual stimulation:
Have sex with the lights on every now and then; you’d be amazed at how far this will go toward making you his default sexual image. Invest in some lingerie—and give him the chance to tell you what he likes. Do the best you can to take care of yourself. I’m not saying to work out for two hours a day; just do, literally, whatever you can.
Put on a nice dress occasionally to remind him that you are a desirable woman. Flirt with him and be sexually playful. Hike up your skirt when no one is looking. Draw his attention to those parts of you he finds attractive. Smile.
He hears the shower running in the master bathroom a few feet away and the watery sounds of his wife humming happily. An image of what she looks like right now, standing there in the spray, jumps to his mind, and he feels his body respond. He smiles as he remembers what she looked like in this bedroom late last night, and he savors a few mental images.
The sound of the shower shutting off snaps him out of his reverie.
As he pushes open the door, he sees his wife hastily wrapping a towel around herself—What a shame—and smiles at her as he says good morning.
His brain starts to imagine what she looks like under that towel, but he shuts down that train of thought. No sense making himself crazy; she’s running to work and so is he.
As usual, she seems to have missed doing up those top two buttons.
A giant invisible magnet instantly draws Jack’s eyes to the top of her lacy bra and the perfect form inside. And as usual, in that nanosecond he has two powerful forces wrestling within him. He feels a tightening in his gut and a temptation to consume that pleasurable image for as long as he can before Abbie sees him. But he also wants to honor his wife (and God) in his thought life and to respect Abbie as a person and colleague.
He fights a desire to turn around and take a look at her back view, which is usually interesting too.
Now the only problem is that he has to fight several attempts made by other images of Abbie—other outfits, other glimpses
He’s having trouble concentrating on them. What else can he think about to distract himself? What’s his next task again?
Oh right! Cole’s numbers!
seductive woman try to draw his gaze—eyes that say I want you.
Jack again feels that desire to look. Because he’s behind the girls, he could look with impunity and feel the pleasure of consuming all those exhilarating images.
But Dionne is polished and professional without being provocative. Her suit is pretty, but it isn’t tight. Her top doesn’t show a thing. And when she sits down next to Jack to work through a series of spreadsheets, her skirt is long enough that it doesn’t ride up.
women simply aren’t aware of what man’s visual nature even means, or how much it impacts literally every area of most men’s lives and relationships. And ironically, because men often aren’t aware that women aren’t aware of this part of their lives, they may not ever talk about it, or know how to explain it if they do.
men are visual…and women are blind to it.
Consequences like that same ten-yearold boy, six years later, wanting to try certain things with his girlfriend that he never would have thought of on his own—and his girlfriend, in her confusion, assuming it must be normal and going along with it.
book called For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men
you are telling men it’s okay to look
How can I ever trust him again now that I know he’s tempted to look at other women?
Much of how he processes life—even what he thinks and feels—is tied to what he sees. By contrast, the brains of women have a very different focus: our brains are wired for emotional and verbal processing in a way that is very different from men.
And that visual orientation is especially attuned to sexual images. a guy far more likely to perceive certain sights as sexual in nature in the first place.
This same wiring also means that his initial reaction to those images is far more likely to be instantaneous arousal: a gut-level, pleasurable, automatic reaction. In fact most women have never experienced the same sort of involuntary, gut-level, instinctive physical reaction of pleasure to visual and sexual images that many men experience daily. And since most of us have never experienced it, we have no idea that men do.
when you haven’t eaten all day and are famished, then walk into a dinner party and spot a tantalizing buffet. The moment you see the wide array of yummy-looking dishes, you have an instantaneous, physical reaction. You’re hungry, you may salivate, and boy, you want to consume that food!
You can now rapidly think things through and make a decision: Go over and stuff your face with chocolate? Or wait politely, keeping a lid on your hunger, until your host says it’s time to eat?
When a man walks into a room and sees that hypothetical woman who is dressed in a way that calls attention to her great figure, the man’s nucleus accumbens lights up, and he has an involuntary, biological, gut-level reaction of pleasure from seeing that image and a desire to consume that image. Not a desire for that person exactly, but the image. Just as you would instinctively be drawn to consume the food, he is instinctively drawn to savor that image because it would feel really good to do so.
But a moment later the thinking centers in his brain kick in, and now he has a choice. Does he decide to experience the pleasure of looking at that attractive woman who is showing off all her assets? Or does he look away to honor God—and his wife, if he’s married—in his thought life? (Or maybe he and his wife are the only members of the dinner party, and he can look all he wants!)
Although neuroscience shows that the very first reaction is instinctive and biological rather than voluntary,8 the next step is a choice. This is where a man moves from temptation to a healthy, righteous action—or from temptation to sin.
It is also important to note that a man’s reaction is different if the image is attractive but isn’t perceived as sexual. Men are able to appreciate beauty just like we are, after all, and that includes noticing that a woman is attractive—without any physical reaction.
We need to recognize the most important reason why men are visual. Their brain structure didn’t just pop into existence by chance: God designed them this way.
We also don’t have to give in to the notion that men’s visual nature naturally objectifies women (Guys think we’re not people; we’re just bodies to be lusted after).
Playboy was porn, to be sure, but compared to what is out there now, it was relatively tame.
wanted to undress every woman with my eyes
Most guys like looking at women. And they like looking at or imagining naked women.
The difference is that the generally honorable guy will at least try to reserve those looks and those thoughts for his wife (or future wife), whereas another sort of man has absolutely no problem giving his coarser thoughts free rein.
This also means that today’s sexualized culture is actually pretty comfortable for the jerk to live in—and pretty difficult for the guy who wants to be honorable.
But since this is a book for women, it is essential to learn what being visual means, without flinching from the reality that even the nicest and most respectful men face temptation in today’s culture.
His Attraction to Other Images Has Nothing to Do with You
If you are married or dating, you may be irritated or hurt by the thought that your man could be physically attracted to someone other than you. After all, if you’re like most women (although not all!), you can notice that the male movie star on the cover of People magazine is very attractive—and yet have absolutely no personal, physical attraction toward him or his body, much less any desire to absorb every detail of his image. You don’t know him or truly want to be with him.
And just because there is a part of me that is stimulated by that sight doesn’t mean I want it to be. It doesn’t mean I want to have sex with her! At least that is the case for most guys who usually work to shut down those thoughts. Now, yes, teenage boys will wrestle with that thought! But that age is also when you start trying to turn off those thoughts, or you’d never accomplish anything else in life.
Every mall, parking lot, or television show is a minefield—from the photographs in the Victoria’s Secret store windows to the packs of beautiful girls in cheerleading shorts at sports events to the sexy images on beer commercials. And because women aren’t wired the same way, we don’t tend to notice the minefield in the same way.
Girls need to know what they’re doing to guys when they tempt them, visually. A girl’s equivalent might be how she responds to touch. How would you feel if guys were able to come up and touch you, all day long, whenever they wanted to? How much would you be able to concentrate on school?
Imagine how frustrating it would be to be constantly stimulated in that way and not want to be. Imagine that you go to the mall and every fifteen minutes while you’re walking the hallways or sitting at the food court, an attractive guy walks by you and runs his fingers over the skin of your arm as he passes, or reaches over and puts his hand on your knee. Your physiology is designed to be stimulated by that touch, so it may feel good, but this is happening without your consent and you don’t want to be stimulated by these total strangers.
The problem is that as soon as a man is confronted by one sexual image, his brain can start to remember others he’s seen.
book His Brain, Her Brain, by Walt and Barb Larimore.
A powerful emotion-processing area of the brain, the amygdala, acts as a kind of holding tank for impressions and memories that are tied to gut-level responses (such as, for a guy, visual ones).
For women, because we are created to more readily process emotion, those gut-level impressions and memories are much more likely to be feelings. For example, you can remember with excruciating clarity what it felt like last year when one of the other moms in your playgroup said something derisive about you in front of everyone else, or how shocked and betrayed you felt when your husband took his mom’s side in an argument.
Whereas women’s memories are tied more to what they have felt, men’s memories are tied more to what they have seen. Their memories are like photographs or videos stored on a computer, and when one photo is pulled up, it can start the whole slideshow.
I did an experiment and discovered that in a random test the percentage of men who remembered the four points in a ninety-second video dropped by 25 percent if they saw cleavage. In other words: cleavage impairs hearing.
All of this is why I (Craig) can tell you that guys are usually pretty grateful to see a woman dress in a way that is stylish but that doesn’t draw overt attention to her body: it means she has made it a nonissue, so the trigger just isn’t there.
she isn’t dressing in neon signs that read “Look here! Look at my body!”
a typical man has no idea that during the day his wife (if she is like most women) does not find herself suddenly fantasizing about him with his clothes off. (And to be honest, most men are quite disappointed when they learn that truth.)
he’s biologically tempted to mentally undress her. In our For Young Women Only survey, 85 percent of teenage boys admitted to that temptation.
The next temptation is to savor that image in privacy somewhere and to, well, self-stimulate.
Because most men have no idea that women don’t see the world in the same way, they assume that when a woman views an attractive member of the opposite sex, her mental response is the same as theirs. They assume, therefore, that a woman or a teenage girl who is dressing to call attention to her body knows the exact impact she is having on the men and boys around her. Thus, they think she’s doing it on purpose. In other words, in their minds there’s only one reason why she dresses that way: she wants the guys around her to fantasize about her naked.
Now, Shaunti tells me that most girls and women are actually horrified at this idea
Instead, these women said they simply wanted to feel confident about themselves, feel attractive, or wear what is in style. In other words, women and girls like getting attention, but they don’t realize that attention isn’t at all the type they want.
A man’s eyes are one of the gateways to his emotions. The connection between his eyes and his heart is quick and powerful.
She assumed that once they were married their sexual relationship would fill him up and that he would have no need to look at porn.
As we said in the last chapter, a man can be (and usually is) attracted to an image without being emotionally attracted to that person. But this doesn’t mean that his visual experience has no emotions attached. It does. It is just that those emotions focus inward—not on her, but on him.
As a boy or a man looks at an image of a scantily dressed woman, and as all that activity happens in his brain, some powerful feelings are stirred up. Not memories of feelings (as a woman might have), but current feelings: Looking at that image makes him feel powerful. Desirable. Like a man.
And one reason those feelings are so seductive is that they soothe a hidden and painful self-doubt that most men have, but that most women don’t know is there. Contrary to what I (Shaunti) used to think, men hide a great deal of painful self-doubt behind their confident exterior.
You know how as a woman, you have a little voice deep down inside you that sometimes wonders, Am I lovable? Am I special? Am I beautiful? Well, men have deep questions too, just different ones. Their thoughts sound more like, Am I any good at being a husband? Do I measure up? A man deeply wants and needs to feel appreciated, respected, and capable. He wants to be good at what he sets out to do as a husband, boyfriend, student, salesman, friend, and so on—but isn’t sure he knows how. All too often, in fact, he feels like an imposter. So always in the back of his mind is a very real insecurity that someone’s going to find out he isn’t sure of what he’s doing. About 75 percent of men on my surveys felt this way. They said they worry that they don’t measure up…that they are inadequate…or, worst of all, that the most important people in their lives will look at what they do and say it isn’t good enough.
When you notice what your husband does and thank him for it (“You are so sweet for noticing that we were low on milk and going to the grocery store early, so I didn’t have to”), he feels that he does measure up. And similarly, when you and your husband go to bed at night, and you reach for him and show him that you want him sexually, he feels that he is worth affirming, that he is the desirable man he wants to be for you.
research, countless men have told me that they only shy away from true intimacy and vulnerability because they are fearful of getting hurt. But when a man sees that a woman is safe to trust with his tender heart, it is not only a pleasure but an overwhelming relief to have a stalwart companion who sees his weaknesses…and believes in him anyway. That man, perhaps for the first time in his life, instinctively wants to have someone with whom he can be fully vulnerable and real. All of this means that true affirmation and compassion help to weaken and break the lure of pornography.
I’m like an alcoholic who knows I can never open the door to just that one drink. But as long as I keep that door firmly closed, by the grace of God, it is easier to keep it closed.
just like superheroes, those men are so rare they might as well be theoretical.
Maybe it’s exposed skin, the hint of a bra strap, or a plunging neckline; maybe it’s a dress that covers everything but is so tight that it accentuates every curve of a woman’s body; or maybe it is even a sexual phrase that stirs up visual curiosity.
Still others might in fact do an online search for the name of the model, look at some more images of her, and then close the window before they (in their minds) go too far.
if the boy sees the girl in the short shorts drop something and bend over to pick it up, he probably is going to look.
Sometimes I make comments like, “Really, baby, you had to stay on that channel for that long? Was that appropriate?” Or, “I see you staring at women, and it’s not right, and it makes me feel horrible.” I just cannot understand why if he is such a strong Christian man, I am not good enough for him. I wonder if he is going to cheat on me. And it is consuming my thoughts.
It is destructive if the wife becomes the police. Men don’t need a critic but an encourager.
So how do you understand where your loved ones are and how to support them?
Don’t try to figure this out unless you can do it in a healthy way, as a supporter and cheerleader, rather than as a monitor and detective.
sharing candidly and constructively
put himself in the category that best represents him
So to get that clinical understanding, watch his eyes. Watch his body language. Look at his facial expressions. Where do his eyes land? How long do they stay there? Does he try to turn his eyes away? How many visual triggers confront him that he doesn’t look at? The latter two questions are just as important to acknowledge and understand.
By paying attention to these things for a few days, your own eyes will be opened and your understanding ignited. The goal here is not to pounce on him or catch him in the act.
The goal is simply to observe and understand how his mind works and what’s going on with the man or boy you love.
The goal is also to understand accurately, rather than allow a dangerous misunderstanding. As one specialized counselor put it, “Your task is to observe and not interpret. Don’t start thinking, He looks at women with big breasts and I don’t have them, so he’s not satisfied with me. Because although the reality is that, yes, his brain is fascinated with breasts, he likes his wife’s and wants his wife’s. It can be so tragically, unnecessarily damaging if she starts comparing herself and creates meaning that likely isn’t even there.”
Something important to remember about tough conversations is this: when you can bring humor into them, or at least acknowledge their awkwardness up front, you can deflate possible tensions before they escalate.
the level of their lust is directly related to how much of our bodies is available to lust after. The less we advertise, the less opportunity we give them to covet our bodies.
While men are responsible to honor us with their eyes and minds, when we dishonor ourselves by what we wear
undress women in their minds
It’s not like you sit around at Starbucks going, “You got images?” “Yep, I got images.”
When I ask men what it is that has the most magnetic draw for a man—what makes it the hardest not to look—the responses I hear most often are “her curves” or “a glimpse of anything that is supposed to be hidden.”
men have mentioned how often women will wear leggings or spandex shorts, without something like a tunic to cover them up. After all, they point out, those outfits hug every curve of a woman’s body just as if she were naked—vividly maximizing her assets.
simply slipping on a jacket over a tight top, wearing a cami under a low-cut shirt, wearing a pair of running shorts over spandex, or putting on a longer top over leggings will make a trigger much less likely.
here are some ways you can give him healthy, wholesome visual stimulation:
Have sex with the lights on every now and then; you’d be amazed at how far this will go toward making you his default sexual image. Invest in some lingerie—and give him the chance to tell you what he likes. Do the best you can to take care of yourself. I’m not saying to work out for two hours a day; just do, literally, whatever you can.
Put on a nice dress occasionally to remind him that you are a desirable woman. Flirt with him and be sexually playful. Hike up your skirt when no one is looking. Draw his attention to those parts of you he finds attractive. Smile.
September 23, 2015
Ever wonder what the phrase "Men are visual" really means? Being a woman, I never really understood what that meant. But it was that question that this book promised to answer. And being curious, I knew it was one that I wanted to pick up.
There are a few things that this book does really well. First of all, within the first chapter, my question was answered... and honestly I was amazed at what that common phrase really means for the men in our lives. The explanations of what that phrase means are quite well done and I feel like while I can't relate, the book accomplished it's purpose and I would say that I understand it.
Also, I think this book does a wonderful job of moving in a direction and looks at what the visual nature of men really means for them and how that affects us. That visual nature means that there are particular responsibilities placed on women. If you've followed any of the buzz around this book, you'll find the authors fielding a number of attacks on that one point. Honestly, the authors expected that and mentions those arguments in the book. With that in mind, this is a book that may need to be read wtih a lot of prayer. Some of these truths are difficult to read about. But, Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross present them tacfully and thoughtfully.
However, that same note is one of my complaints about the book. I feel like so much of it was spent on cautionary statements. I can see where they were needed and I didn't totally mind it. I just felt like the book was a bit heavy on those cautions and would have liked to have spend a bit more time on the other aspects the book has to offer.
And on a personal note: I read this book side-by-side with my husband. We read a chapter a day, and while this book is certainly designed to be read by women, he enjoyed it as well and it did give room for some good discussions between us. With that said, I have to agree with the authors that for some women, it may not be wise to jump into those discussions. But, in a relationship where husband and wife have good communication skills and can handle difficult conversations well, this is something that can help the information in the book become a bit more relevant.
**I received a copy of this book from Blogging for Books in exchange for my honest review. All opinions expressed are my own.**
There are a few things that this book does really well. First of all, within the first chapter, my question was answered... and honestly I was amazed at what that common phrase really means for the men in our lives. The explanations of what that phrase means are quite well done and I feel like while I can't relate, the book accomplished it's purpose and I would say that I understand it.
Also, I think this book does a wonderful job of moving in a direction and looks at what the visual nature of men really means for them and how that affects us. That visual nature means that there are particular responsibilities placed on women. If you've followed any of the buzz around this book, you'll find the authors fielding a number of attacks on that one point. Honestly, the authors expected that and mentions those arguments in the book. With that in mind, this is a book that may need to be read wtih a lot of prayer. Some of these truths are difficult to read about. But, Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross present them tacfully and thoughtfully.
However, that same note is one of my complaints about the book. I feel like so much of it was spent on cautionary statements. I can see where they were needed and I didn't totally mind it. I just felt like the book was a bit heavy on those cautions and would have liked to have spend a bit more time on the other aspects the book has to offer.
And on a personal note: I read this book side-by-side with my husband. We read a chapter a day, and while this book is certainly designed to be read by women, he enjoyed it as well and it did give room for some good discussions between us. With that said, I have to agree with the authors that for some women, it may not be wise to jump into those discussions. But, in a relationship where husband and wife have good communication skills and can handle difficult conversations well, this is something that can help the information in the book become a bit more relevant.
**I received a copy of this book from Blogging for Books in exchange for my honest review. All opinions expressed are my own.**
August 25, 2018
Important topic about how the men are wired - visually. Yeah, we know. But we might not know the extent of how they are visual or how it is for them to be that way.
I think every woman should be informed about this (sensitive) issue. After all, one should not be putting their head into the sand the ostrich-like way, but to be able to make an informed activity. And this book is good start. The authors know that they can not cover all the questions, but they are trying to give you a general overview as much as possible and they are recommending other sources. And the FAQ chapter is very informative.
The book comes from the Christian background, but it is not preachy or sugar-coating. Or suggesting that the women are responsible for the men´s actions, which I like (but the authors are clear that women should also think about their responsibility and decisions from the God´s point of view, which I like, too).
Read this. It might not be the most pleasing book out there, given the sensitive topic, but it is also not harsh - instead the authors are as much gentle as possible while being frank. I appreciate that and I appreciate this book.
I think every woman should be informed about this (sensitive) issue. After all, one should not be putting their head into the sand the ostrich-like way, but to be able to make an informed activity. And this book is good start. The authors know that they can not cover all the questions, but they are trying to give you a general overview as much as possible and they are recommending other sources. And the FAQ chapter is very informative.
The book comes from the Christian background, but it is not preachy or sugar-coating. Or suggesting that the women are responsible for the men´s actions, which I like (but the authors are clear that women should also think about their responsibility and decisions from the God´s point of view, which I like, too).
Read this. It might not be the most pleasing book out there, given the sensitive topic, but it is also not harsh - instead the authors are as much gentle as possible while being frank. I appreciate that and I appreciate this book.
April 9, 2023
I read this as a young woman in the Evangelical church world, and at the time believed every word. I thought this WAS the definitive guide for saving marriages by helping women be everything they could be to keep their husbands from looking at porn. I was also deeply depressed and anxious, and had no joy in my faith at all.
I've dug deep into these ideas, found credible research on sexuality and gender, and examined the cultural context that the cherry-picked Bible verses are ripped from. I've also found out that this 'all men are looking at women all the time' is not only anxiety and shame inducing, but also just not true.
I would recommend work by Jay Stringer, Shelia Gregoire or Dan Allender if you are looking for something more helpful. This is not a book that encourages health.
I've dug deep into these ideas, found credible research on sexuality and gender, and examined the cultural context that the cherry-picked Bible verses are ripped from. I've also found out that this 'all men are looking at women all the time' is not only anxiety and shame inducing, but also just not true.
I would recommend work by Jay Stringer, Shelia Gregoire or Dan Allender if you are looking for something more helpful. This is not a book that encourages health.
February 12, 2018
This book was so incredibly insightful to how a Man is wired and why. Our men need us to understand them so that we can be alert and good helpers for them and the men around us. God's creation is so good when used properly. I love how it compared Men's and Woman's wiring to be able to help both genders have clarity. Definitely, recommend to women of age to be able to understand how we can help our brother in Christ stay pure.
July 1, 2020
This book has an incredibly narrow view of masculinity, male sexuality, and how people should respond to such things. If you're looking for a better insight into male psychology check out The Masculine Self by Christopher T. Kilmartin or I Don't Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real.
March 31, 2021
Are you: (A) A woman (B) Deeply religious (C) In or want to be in an exclusive relationship with a man (D) Worried about the foreign aspects of male sexuality (E) Seeking emotional reassurance
If you didn't answer yes to all of those, this book is not for you.
If you didn't answer yes to all of those, this book is not for you.
March 31, 2018
If you want to understand men (YOUR man) when he does something you don't like or respect, this will show you how! (And you'll learn how to love, respect, and appreciate him too)
July 14, 2025
I really enjoyed listening to this book. It took things a step deeper than the previous book I read, For Women Only. It offered more insight and perspective.
January 15, 2020
This was a HARD book to read. I’ve experienced betrayal trauma in my past and have found it difficult to understand men and how their brain functions apart from women. There were portions of the book that were hurtful and portions that were insightful. It didn’t resolve my feelings necessarily but it did put me in a better place to handle my feelings and support men in the struggles I never knew they faced.
April 29, 2018
Do women really not already know this stuff? No way you sat through highschool youth group and didn't hear this message often. It's too focused on women's beauty as something that is dangerous not something that points us to the beauty of God.
March 20, 2019
I wrote a thoughtful review for this one and my browser ate it. :(
Oh, well.
Oh, well.
June 10, 2017
I just finished this book and I cannot recommend it enough. Especially the first half. Just understanding how men think and male sexuality is so important. The second half was ok. The first half was understanding - the second half was what to do about it. I didn't necessarily agree with some of what was written in the second half (how you process the info and what to do afterwards with it is something that the Holy Spirit needs to show you) but it was still a good book. I think in Christianity sometimes we are so anti-porn and anti-degradation of women (both good to be anti about) that we become anti male sexuality and sort of look with contempt at certain desires that God actually put into men that are good. This is good if you are a wife, or going to be a wife - and especially if you are a mother of a boy. There was lots of good info for parents in this as well in helping sons to navigate sexuality and see it positively. REALLY GOOD BOOK.
July 23, 2023
This book was very practical and you can tell Shaunti put a lot of prayer and effort into speaking to women both in an encouraging but also challenging way. If you genuinely want to better understand how your man processes life and are willing to own your role as a supporter and “safe place” in his life, I think it will be eye opening and hugely helpful. But as she says in the book, if you are in a very vulnerable place, it might not be for you right now.
I also would like to challenge the one star reviews that mock how she exhorts women to dress modestly. This was actually a very small section and what she DOES say is to be mindful and not promiscuous. Nowhere does she say to go around as covered up and unfashionable as possible. She actually says (twice) that she does NOT encourage women to dress frumpy.
I also would like to challenge the one star reviews that mock how she exhorts women to dress modestly. This was actually a very small section and what she DOES say is to be mindful and not promiscuous. Nowhere does she say to go around as covered up and unfashionable as possible. She actually says (twice) that she does NOT encourage women to dress frumpy.
August 22, 2020
You know how we're always saying that 'men are visual'? Well, if you're like me, you assumed you knew what that meant. I realize now that I didn't until I read this. And it's vitally important to know what it really means in a man's day to day life.
My husband and I are always on the lookout for good marriage books, and we love Shaunti Feldhahn's books. This may be the most important one of the lot. Wish I would have read it years ago.
If you have a husband or son and want to understand the daily battle they're fighting in this modern world, this is a must read. And with that understanding comes more peace and joy in my personal inner life and in my marriage.
My husband and I are always on the lookout for good marriage books, and we love Shaunti Feldhahn's books. This may be the most important one of the lot. Wish I would have read it years ago.
If you have a husband or son and want to understand the daily battle they're fighting in this modern world, this is a must read. And with that understanding comes more peace and joy in my personal inner life and in my marriage.
September 21, 2020
DNF. I guess, it’s a decent book, and I only had one hour left, but it wasn’t the book for me. It speaks more about people who are married and have kids. I am single, and therefore it just wasn’t something I personally needed. It was a little repetitive, and I think we all know men are visual, so that wasn’t a shocker. But it was interesting to know that it’s wired in a man, and isn’t something he can help. It’s part of how a man is. Whether he likes it or not.
Give this book a go if you’re struggling with your man looking at other women, and want to understand why men are that way.
Give this book a go if you’re struggling with your man looking at other women, and want to understand why men are that way.
March 6, 2023
I really enjoyed this look at the visual nature of men. There are lots of differences in the way men and women process the world and I appreciated the ways the authors explored those differences in this book.
Definitely helpful in raising boys in this world that is far more visually explicit than ever before. Good suggestions for helping boys and men keep their thought lives pure and ways women can help in that effort.
Definitely helpful in raising boys in this world that is far more visually explicit than ever before. Good suggestions for helping boys and men keep their thought lives pure and ways women can help in that effort.
March 10, 2024
This book is absolute trash, if I could give it zero stars I would. I'm all for helping people understand each other better, but the author fails to explore the cultural context in which their study subjects have been raised. Nature vs. nurture seems to play a huge role here, and just because in the US we normalize boys & men objectifying women in a hypersexual way doesn't mean that the experience is universal. It's more excuses for a very low view of men.
August 16, 2022
Wow, eye opening. As I’ve been wanting to learn more about how girls should, and to what degree, pursue modesty I came across this book. It gives an incredibly helpful perspective of what guys see and how they process what they see. Highly recommend- found myself saying “dang” or “oh my gosh” just so many times throughout the book lol
December 28, 2021
There wasn't anything new in this book I wasn't already aware of but I'd certainly recommend most heterosexual women read this. Maybe even process it with a mentor, therapist, coach, etc for added support and understanding
March 7, 2020
Would have been ok without all the religious stuff.
March 13, 2020
An Excellent book on how men perceive the world around them
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