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Safe House: How Emotional Safety Is the Key to Raising Kids Who Live, Love, and Lead Well
Parenting isn't rocket science, it's just brain surgery.
And Dr. Joshua Straub has good news for You can do it!
You don’t need to do all the “right” things as a parent. Both science and the Bible show us that the most important thing we can provide for our kids is a place of emotional safety. In other words, the posture from which we parent matters infinitely more than the techniques of parenting.
Emotional safety—more than any other factor—is scientifically linked to raising kids who live, love, and lead well. Learn how to use emotional safety as a foundation from which you parent—and make a cultural impact that could change the world!
In Safe House, Dr. Straub draws from his extensive research and personal experience to help
- Foster healthy identity and social development in children of any age
- Win the war without getting overwhelmed in the daily battles
- Discipline in a way that builds relationship
- Understand how the culture is affecting your child and what you can do about it
- Cultivate responsible, self-regulating behavior in your kids
- Establish an unshakeable sense of faith, morality, and values in your home
- Feel more confident and peaceful as a parent
- Find a greater perspective on parenting than what you might see on a daily basis
Also includes a Safe House Parenting Assessment.
And Dr. Joshua Straub has good news for You can do it!
You don’t need to do all the “right” things as a parent. Both science and the Bible show us that the most important thing we can provide for our kids is a place of emotional safety. In other words, the posture from which we parent matters infinitely more than the techniques of parenting.
Emotional safety—more than any other factor—is scientifically linked to raising kids who live, love, and lead well. Learn how to use emotional safety as a foundation from which you parent—and make a cultural impact that could change the world!
In Safe House, Dr. Straub draws from his extensive research and personal experience to help
- Foster healthy identity and social development in children of any age
- Win the war without getting overwhelmed in the daily battles
- Discipline in a way that builds relationship
- Understand how the culture is affecting your child and what you can do about it
- Cultivate responsible, self-regulating behavior in your kids
- Establish an unshakeable sense of faith, morality, and values in your home
- Feel more confident and peaceful as a parent
- Find a greater perspective on parenting than what you might see on a daily basis
Also includes a Safe House Parenting Assessment.
224 pages, Paperback
First published October 20, 2015
89 people are currently reading
703 people want to read
About the author
Joshua Straub
3 books8 followersJoshua Straub, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, and family advocate. He uses his knowledge in the area of trauma to help people around the world, including those in Rwanda who seek healing from the 1994 genocide. Josh has served as the senior director of professional development for the American Association of Christian Counselors. He is cofounder and president of The Connextion Group, assistant professor at Liberty University Online and serves on the teaching team at Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri. Josh and his wife, Christi, are the proud parents of a son and daughter.
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
March 16, 2016
Safe House by Joshua Straub, is absolutely fantastic! I chose this as an ARC to review, because in my own life I am striving to provide emotional safety for my children. With struggles like anxiety, selective mutism, and many moves internationally and across the US, I & they have been through many challenges together. Also with the premature loss of my parents, I sometimes wonder if the experiences I have faced in connection to that have affected the way I now parent. Split into 3 sections; Emotional Safety, Building a Safe House & A Safe Village, it helps break down our reasons behind our behavior and then applying strategies for improving the emotional & spiritual safety back into our families. I think I was expecting answers for helping my children become less anxious, or build up their self esteem - what I did not expect was how much of it came down to me and my spouse, how we relate, and our own history and experiences. There is guidance at the end of each chapter - to write down, your thoughts on very specific things connected to the chapter. Scientific information regarding the brain for example, was enlightening for me. I have learned so much and intend to work on putting this into practice in my life. The final part, connects all of this to God, and in particular brings in sections from the Bible to illustrate meaning. You could easily break down one chapter and spend time working through the suggestions and increase your efficiency as a parent, and likely help your children out immensely just from doing that one part. A fabulous resource that I recommend to parents of kids whatever the age, also to child-less couples, engaged couples, or even those not yet married, as a book you can use to maybe help you understand yourself, and your own past, how it affects you and help you see what you want your own 'Safe House' to look like.
I received this book from Blogging for Books & WaterBrook Press in return for my honest review.
I received this book from Blogging for Books & WaterBrook Press in return for my honest review.
May 28, 2019
I think I was looking for more practical but overall the book was helpful. I will read again to process some more.
February 12, 2020
This book was great. It is one that would be worth reading multiple times to get new perspective at each stage of a child's growth to adulthood.
January 28, 2023
The author states that this book is great no matter what the age of your child, though I would disagree. I think I would have found this book helpful when I first became a parent, but I did not find it so with an 8 and 6 year old.
I had read this book hoping for some additional insight into parenting in a way that builds emotional confidence and trust from a Christ-centered perspective, but I didn't find that here. The first part of the book could have definitely been any "advice-based" parenting book; it wasn't until nearly the end that Jesus really came into the picture. That part was more or less fine, but I wish it had come sooner in the book and been less advice-y and more biblical.
I do appreciate the author's plea to take a look at your own upbringing and spending some time in your story to help you evaluate how that might affect your own parenting, but I think it would have served the book better to offer a "now what" once you have collected your story.
If you are a brand new parent or are thinking of becoming parent, I think this is a decent resource to add to your "read before the baby comes" or "read before the baby is a toddler" pile. If you already have school-aged kids, I'm sure there's a better, more complete resource out there.
I had read this book hoping for some additional insight into parenting in a way that builds emotional confidence and trust from a Christ-centered perspective, but I didn't find that here. The first part of the book could have definitely been any "advice-based" parenting book; it wasn't until nearly the end that Jesus really came into the picture. That part was more or less fine, but I wish it had come sooner in the book and been less advice-y and more biblical.
I do appreciate the author's plea to take a look at your own upbringing and spending some time in your story to help you evaluate how that might affect your own parenting, but I think it would have served the book better to offer a "now what" once you have collected your story.
If you are a brand new parent or are thinking of becoming parent, I think this is a decent resource to add to your "read before the baby comes" or "read before the baby is a toddler" pile. If you already have school-aged kids, I'm sure there's a better, more complete resource out there.
November 15, 2021
Dr. Josh Straub combines his years of training, along with Godly wisdom, to present his common sense, simple and proven methods in raising emotionally safe children. The key ingredient, parents, is YOU! It is the parent’s privilege to “build the brain and character of your children” through the parents’ loving and safe presence. Dr. Staub encourages parents to simply fall in love with their children - enjoy them, understand them, read to them, talk to them, laugh with them, play with them, share meals with them, pray with them, and establish a legacy of faith with them. Yes, discipline in included, along with “balanced protection versus exploration,” age-level development, and so much more. Using both science and the Bible, Dr. Straub will inspire you to raise your children to live, love and lead well. This short paragraph does not encompass the wisdom given in the 200 pages of the book
January 4, 2022
This book was a beautiful marriage of two really important topics, typically found separately: the psychology of child development and associated parenting techniques that create the conditions for children to thrive, and living authentic faith as a parent relative to raising children to love and follow God.
As is almost every book I have read on either topic, it was a bit repetitive. And although the author is passionate and earnest, and the principles apply to children of all ages, he himself at the time of writing was the parent of only very young (under 5 I think) children, and therefore the vast majority of examples and personal experience relate to this age child.
But overall very good food for thought, and concepts to take to prayer. This will certainly inform my parenting in the future.
As is almost every book I have read on either topic, it was a bit repetitive. And although the author is passionate and earnest, and the principles apply to children of all ages, he himself at the time of writing was the parent of only very young (under 5 I think) children, and therefore the vast majority of examples and personal experience relate to this age child.
But overall very good food for thought, and concepts to take to prayer. This will certainly inform my parenting in the future.
March 18, 2016
[Note: This book was provided free of charge by Blogging For Books/Multnomah WaterBrook Press in exchange for an honest review.]
Although this book, which focuses on emotional safety and how parents can provide an atmosphere that blends protection and exploration, truth and grace, can be painful to read, the author has a savvy approach on how not to make it too painful for those of us whose family backgrounds are deeply problematic. The approach of the author to minimizing, though by no means eliminating, the discomfort for some people in reading this book is to praise those who read this book as having shown their seriousness in providing an emotionally stable home for their little ones. This praise of the reader, which shows through quite often in the author's conversational tone, is combined with the author's own candid comments about his own disastrous upbringing, his statements of his own struggles as a father, and generous praise of his own wife, which combine to make this book as comfortable a book as it can be given the immense awkwardness and discomfort of the book. As is often the case with my reading, especially about parenthood [1], this is not a book that is immediately applicable to me as a reader, but it is certainly good reading as someone who wishes to overcome some very bad family patterns and who tends to approach problems by reading about them long before I plan on needing a solution for those difficulties, as a way of training the mind so that the patterns of behavior can follow.
In terms of its contents, this book straddles the line between humanistic psychology and a book on the theology of parenting from a biblical perspective. Clearly the author works from a Christian counseling approach, and readers who appreciate that approach will find much to offer--the book clearly demonstrates the statistical case for improved attachment coming from a family of faith. The first part of the book, after the introduction and acknowledgements, deals with the importance of emotional safety and for the parent to understand his or her own life story in order to be a more understanding parent. The second part of the book gives tips for a parent to build a safe home: exploration, protection, grace, and truth being the four metaphorical walls of the house, as well as the importance of safe discipline and nurturing the development of the brain, including higher regulatory functions, from infancy through adolescence. The third and final part of the book, which comes up just about to 200 pages of core material, examines how to build a safe village by parenting with biblical understanding, encouraging a safe marriage for parents, and establishing faith as well as a community of supportive and encouraging friends and family members.
Although readers who are neither Christian nor have any interest whatsoever in matters of psychology or counseling will likely not find this book an enjoyable read, the author has crafted a very quotable [2] and short book that provides a useful way for parents to think about the issue of emotional safety, with the concern for loving better rather than feeling better, and for parents to find greater stability in the house by being more emotionally stable themselves, not berating themselves for failures, but aiming for the best possible example to set for their children. For those readers who, like me, are not yet parents, the book is an encouragement to work as much as possible on our own lives as we prepare for marriage and family, and for those in the midst of family, it is a call for improvement and for moral and emotional development, and if necessary, for repentance and hopefully improvement.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
[2] See, for example:
"So as you read the pages that follow, know that my heart is to remove the judgment and instead for us to come together as parents in our local coffee shops, communities, and churches to encourage and support one another as we all strive toward the same goal: raising kids who live, love, and lead well. I think you'll be surprised that achieving this goal, though not easy, is much simpler than we might think (ii)."
"The biggest big business in America is not steel, automobiles, or television. It is the manufacture, refinement, and distribution of anxiety (13)." - Eric Sevareid
"Our kids' answer to the question Am I safe? is buried in their unconscious, implicit memory. My friend instinctively stood up to fight me without giving it any thought. His immediate reaction was I am not safe. His story at the time was not understood as a coherent narrative.
The question Am I safe? can be broken down into two questions that form our core beliefs about how relationships work: 1. Am I worthy of lvoe? 2. Are others capable of loving me (30)?"
"I think of discipline as the continual everyday process of helping a child learn self-discipline (110)." - Fred Rogers
Although this book, which focuses on emotional safety and how parents can provide an atmosphere that blends protection and exploration, truth and grace, can be painful to read, the author has a savvy approach on how not to make it too painful for those of us whose family backgrounds are deeply problematic. The approach of the author to minimizing, though by no means eliminating, the discomfort for some people in reading this book is to praise those who read this book as having shown their seriousness in providing an emotionally stable home for their little ones. This praise of the reader, which shows through quite often in the author's conversational tone, is combined with the author's own candid comments about his own disastrous upbringing, his statements of his own struggles as a father, and generous praise of his own wife, which combine to make this book as comfortable a book as it can be given the immense awkwardness and discomfort of the book. As is often the case with my reading, especially about parenthood [1], this is not a book that is immediately applicable to me as a reader, but it is certainly good reading as someone who wishes to overcome some very bad family patterns and who tends to approach problems by reading about them long before I plan on needing a solution for those difficulties, as a way of training the mind so that the patterns of behavior can follow.
In terms of its contents, this book straddles the line between humanistic psychology and a book on the theology of parenting from a biblical perspective. Clearly the author works from a Christian counseling approach, and readers who appreciate that approach will find much to offer--the book clearly demonstrates the statistical case for improved attachment coming from a family of faith. The first part of the book, after the introduction and acknowledgements, deals with the importance of emotional safety and for the parent to understand his or her own life story in order to be a more understanding parent. The second part of the book gives tips for a parent to build a safe home: exploration, protection, grace, and truth being the four metaphorical walls of the house, as well as the importance of safe discipline and nurturing the development of the brain, including higher regulatory functions, from infancy through adolescence. The third and final part of the book, which comes up just about to 200 pages of core material, examines how to build a safe village by parenting with biblical understanding, encouraging a safe marriage for parents, and establishing faith as well as a community of supportive and encouraging friends and family members.
Although readers who are neither Christian nor have any interest whatsoever in matters of psychology or counseling will likely not find this book an enjoyable read, the author has crafted a very quotable [2] and short book that provides a useful way for parents to think about the issue of emotional safety, with the concern for loving better rather than feeling better, and for parents to find greater stability in the house by being more emotionally stable themselves, not berating themselves for failures, but aiming for the best possible example to set for their children. For those readers who, like me, are not yet parents, the book is an encouragement to work as much as possible on our own lives as we prepare for marriage and family, and for those in the midst of family, it is a call for improvement and for moral and emotional development, and if necessary, for repentance and hopefully improvement.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...
[2] See, for example:
"So as you read the pages that follow, know that my heart is to remove the judgment and instead for us to come together as parents in our local coffee shops, communities, and churches to encourage and support one another as we all strive toward the same goal: raising kids who live, love, and lead well. I think you'll be surprised that achieving this goal, though not easy, is much simpler than we might think (ii)."
"The biggest big business in America is not steel, automobiles, or television. It is the manufacture, refinement, and distribution of anxiety (13)." - Eric Sevareid
"Our kids' answer to the question Am I safe? is buried in their unconscious, implicit memory. My friend instinctively stood up to fight me without giving it any thought. His immediate reaction was I am not safe. His story at the time was not understood as a coherent narrative.
The question Am I safe? can be broken down into two questions that form our core beliefs about how relationships work: 1. Am I worthy of lvoe? 2. Are others capable of loving me (30)?"
"I think of discipline as the continual everyday process of helping a child learn self-discipline (110)." - Fred Rogers
January 22, 2019
I liked his overall message but disagreed that people are so simplistic that they can fall into 4 types of parents. I didn't align to any of his 4 categories.
I also found his religious angle to be distracting. Nothing in the cover or description notes that this is a Christian writer and /or that he would frequently refer to his religion or refer to scripture. As a non religious person, I found this to be distracting and to take away from the message. I felt like he was preaching to me, which I personally don't appreciate.
I also found his religious angle to be distracting. Nothing in the cover or description notes that this is a Christian writer and /or that he would frequently refer to his religion or refer to scripture. As a non religious person, I found this to be distracting and to take away from the message. I felt like he was preaching to me, which I personally don't appreciate.
December 3, 2019
The subtitle, “how emotional safety is the key to raising kids who live, love, and lead well” sums up most of the book. It was so hard to wade through all of the statistics they throw out about the benefits of kids who feel emotionally safe, but they are vague about what that even means or how to do it. I have NO idea how to have deep conversations with my kids, or how to help them feel like I’m a safe person to share their struggles or fears with, but this book brought me no closer to that goal. I forced myself to finish the book but I wish I had dropped it.
January 20, 2021
This is definitely the best parenting book I’ve read so far. It mixes biblical principles and emotional development while stressing the importance of a positive parent/child bond. It hits on the key points of all my favorite parenting books like How To Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and No Drama Disciple. It weaves in parenting skills based on brain development, specifically discussing things like executive functions. It applies general life principles, like the 7 Habits, to parenting. If you only have time to read one parenting book in your life, read this one.
March 26, 2023
If you take one thing from this book, the posture from which we parent is more important than any technique. The goal of parenting should be providing emotional safety for our children to explore their feelings and adapt and learn.
Straub contrasts a Safe House parent with Helicopter parent, BFF parent, Boss parent, and religious parent.
Straub contrasts a Safe House parent with Helicopter parent, BFF parent, Boss parent, and religious parent.
March 5, 2021
Parenting isn’t rocket science, it’s brain surgery. This book is a great training in this kind of brain surgery. It draws from psychological research and biblical truth to provide the wisdom we need to parent.
March 15, 2021
Great biblical parenting book backed with science and discussing ideas of emotional safety. I think he can get a little repetitive but they always say that helps make ideas stick, but I just find it a little bleh after awhile hence 4 stars
July 30, 2022
Not what I was expecting it to be. Honestly, I had to force myself to finish this one.
July 10, 2019
"Emotional safety—more than any other factor—is scientifically linked to raising kids who live, love, and lead well." But if you are involved in the day-to-day raising of children, you know how big their emotions are and how hard (and exhausting) it is to deal with them. If you're ever left wondering, "Did I handle that right?" or feel guilty about either indulging or shutting down your kids' feelings, read this!
March 2, 2016
Joshua Straub has outlined the process of parenting extremely well. His balance of discipline, natural consequences, room to explore and most importantly, emotional safety in the home is right on. We have parented four children, eight troubled youth and contributed in large measure to seven grandchildren and have worked to accomplish the same goals as outlined in this book.
My personal catch phrase is that "It is our job as parents to bring an infant who is 100 percent dependent on us parents to a young adult who is as close to 100 percent independent and able to make correct decisions for themselves by the time they leave our house."
This is the first book that I have read that aligns so closely with my parenting philosophy.
The two things that Joshua points out that I believe but now have a clearer understanding are that discipline is not the same as punishment. The second is what I have believed but not been able to put into words and that is emotional safety that is the key to maintaining a relationship with our children which will foster the above move toward independence.
I was given a free audio version of this book for my agreement to review it but this has not influenced my personal impressions of the book.
My personal catch phrase is that "It is our job as parents to bring an infant who is 100 percent dependent on us parents to a young adult who is as close to 100 percent independent and able to make correct decisions for themselves by the time they leave our house."
This is the first book that I have read that aligns so closely with my parenting philosophy.
The two things that Joshua points out that I believe but now have a clearer understanding are that discipline is not the same as punishment. The second is what I have believed but not been able to put into words and that is emotional safety that is the key to maintaining a relationship with our children which will foster the above move toward independence.
I was given a free audio version of this book for my agreement to review it but this has not influenced my personal impressions of the book.
March 9, 2019
Fantastic book that gives parents a very easy visual on how to cover all the bases of parenting without making them feel overwhelmed.
I listened to this on Audible twice but really wanted to dig into the questions at the end of each chapter, so I purchased a hard copy. It is going into my top five recommendations for all parents to read.
I plan to read it every other year or so, as I still have many years of parenting to go and want to remember these concepts and principles. I also loved that I ended the book knowing I had areas to work on in my own parenting but felt encouraged that I was doing a good job in spite of my flaws.
I listened to this on Audible twice but really wanted to dig into the questions at the end of each chapter, so I purchased a hard copy. It is going into my top five recommendations for all parents to read.
I plan to read it every other year or so, as I still have many years of parenting to go and want to remember these concepts and principles. I also loved that I ended the book knowing I had areas to work on in my own parenting but felt encouraged that I was doing a good job in spite of my flaws.
October 29, 2015
very helpful for raising a sensitive child.
November 21, 2016
RATING 3.75
A lot of common-sense wisdom that is sadly far from commonplace these days tucked away in this book .
Definitely recommended for parents of all ages.
A lot of common-sense wisdom that is sadly far from commonplace these days tucked away in this book .
Definitely recommended for parents of all ages.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews