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Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others Without Sacrificing Conviction
Sometimes, grace gets messy. Caleb Kaltenbach was raised by LGBT parents, marched in gay pride parades as a youngster, and experienced firsthand the hatred and bitterness of some Christians toward his family. But then Caleb surprised everyone, including himself, by becoming a Christian…and a pastor. Very few issues in Christianity are as divisive as the acceptance of the LGBT community in the church. As a pastor and as a person with beloved family members living a gay lifestyle, Caleb had to face this issue with courage and grace. Messy Grace shows us that Jesus’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself” doesn’t have an exception clause for a gay “neighbor”—or for that matter, any other “neighbor” we might find it hard to relate to. Jesus was able to love these people and yet still hold on to his beliefs. So can you. Even when it’s messy. “Messy Grace is an important contribution to the conversation about sexual identity for churches and leaders. Caleb's story is surprising and unique, and he weaves it together compellingly. He states his views clearly, leaves room for disagreement, and champions love no matter where you are in this conversation.”—Jud Wilhite, Sr. Pastor, Central Christian Church
211 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 20, 2015
320 people are currently reading
2728 people want to read
About the author
Caleb Kaltenbach
4 books28 followersCaleb Kalenbach is the Lead Pastor at Discovery Church in Simi Valley, CA.Raised in the LGBT community, he was exposed to how some Christians treated the LGBT community, and grew to hate Christians. In high school, he joined a Bible study to disprove the Bible, but ended up following Jesus instead. Later, his parents followed Jesus too. This is the subject of his first book, "Messy Grace" --holding on to the truth of God's Word while being filled with grace.Caleb is a graduate of Ozark Christian College, Talbot School of Theology (Biola University), and is finishing his doctorate at Dallas Theological Seminary. He speaks widely on the subjects of reconciliation, faith, diversity, and grace/truth. Caleb and his wife, Amy, reside in Southern California with their two kids.
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February 19, 2016
Straight off, I could tell Mr. Kaltenbach and I approach things very differently. There is a looseness to his language that I can't tolerate on theological matters -- I, like the noted Richard Rogers, serve a precise God*, and it gives me hives to read people who don't -- though I readily acknowledge (and lament) that he's speaking in the Evangelical Vernacular. By page 5, I was grimacing at his phraseology. Particularly his use of "messy" and it's connection to grace, and his insistence that there's a "tension" between grace and truth -- but I'll return to that in a bit.
The first few chapters outline the problems between the perceived (and, sadly, sometimes real) destructive attitudes of Christians towards LGBT people and the perceived (and, sadly, sometimes real) combative stances and attitudes of LGBT people towards Christians. Kaltenbach illustrated this with episodes from his own childhood and what he's seen in the pastorate. Sadly, he's too impressed with generalizing from his autobiography (it's not a totally improper strategy, but Kaltenbach doesn't bring in anything to buttress his arguments). He also displays an over-reliance on platitudes and catch-phrases. Worst of all, he's good at using stereotypes and generalizations when calling for those he's stereotyping/generalizing to stop stereotyping and using generalizations about LGBT people.
I admit I was thoroughly annoyed with him by the time I got to chapter 6, when he (largely and temporarily) put aside the anecdotes and actually got around to explaining the Scriptural view on the topic at hand by brief glances at various texts, responses to critics, and so on. Could this chapter have been better? His explanations less open to criticism by theological opponents? Yes. That said, it was pretty good -- and a very good introduction to the ideas he offered (his "More Reading" list at the end of the book contains much that would do a better job on this point).
I have several reservations and problems with Kaltenbach doctrinally and theologically. Actually, despite frequent use of the word "grace," I'm not sure what he means by the term, but I'm pretty sure it's not what the biblical writers mean by χαρις. In a fallen world, plagued by sin (a term Kaltenbach avoids), the favor of God, the goodwill of God towards undeserving sinners because of Christ's work on their behalf (my quick and dirty definition of grace) will be messy, it will be found in messy situations with messy people -- because there are no other kinds of people. Calling grace "messy" is like saying it's "undeserved." There is no other kind. Kaltenbach also spends a good deal of time talking about a tension between grace and truth, and I don't see that where he locates it in the Scriptural witness, or anywhere else. In fact, throughout the Old and New Testaments, the two go hand in hand.
Both his dependence upon the Pericope Adulterae (John 7:53-8:11) for his approach to those who differ from him and his indictment of Imprecatory Psalms make me worry about his view of scripture. I can't help but wonder, built on such an unstable foundation, how much of Kaltenbach's arguments can stand.
That said, from Chapter 6 on, there is little I flat-out disagreed with -- the differences ranged from minor quibbles to exceptions -- but he said nothing that I'd say was entirely wrong or baseless, and I could appreciate what he said and where he was coming from. Both his understanding of the biblical teaching on sex, and the way that Christians should interact with, think about, and treat those with whom they disagree on sensitive issues is commendable and spot-on. As this is the point of the book, however sloppily he goes about it, I have to like that.
It's a good 101 book (maybe a 080?), but one should grab his "More Reading" list and work through it -- Champagne Butterfield's book would be the best to start with if you like the memoir aspect of this book.
---
* If you're unfamiliar with the story, see DeYoung's quotation of Packer here.
The first few chapters outline the problems between the perceived (and, sadly, sometimes real) destructive attitudes of Christians towards LGBT people and the perceived (and, sadly, sometimes real) combative stances and attitudes of LGBT people towards Christians. Kaltenbach illustrated this with episodes from his own childhood and what he's seen in the pastorate. Sadly, he's too impressed with generalizing from his autobiography (it's not a totally improper strategy, but Kaltenbach doesn't bring in anything to buttress his arguments). He also displays an over-reliance on platitudes and catch-phrases. Worst of all, he's good at using stereotypes and generalizations when calling for those he's stereotyping/generalizing to stop stereotyping and using generalizations about LGBT people.
I admit I was thoroughly annoyed with him by the time I got to chapter 6, when he (largely and temporarily) put aside the anecdotes and actually got around to explaining the Scriptural view on the topic at hand by brief glances at various texts, responses to critics, and so on. Could this chapter have been better? His explanations less open to criticism by theological opponents? Yes. That said, it was pretty good -- and a very good introduction to the ideas he offered (his "More Reading" list at the end of the book contains much that would do a better job on this point).
I have several reservations and problems with Kaltenbach doctrinally and theologically. Actually, despite frequent use of the word "grace," I'm not sure what he means by the term, but I'm pretty sure it's not what the biblical writers mean by χαρις. In a fallen world, plagued by sin (a term Kaltenbach avoids), the favor of God, the goodwill of God towards undeserving sinners because of Christ's work on their behalf (my quick and dirty definition of grace) will be messy, it will be found in messy situations with messy people -- because there are no other kinds of people. Calling grace "messy" is like saying it's "undeserved." There is no other kind. Kaltenbach also spends a good deal of time talking about a tension between grace and truth, and I don't see that where he locates it in the Scriptural witness, or anywhere else. In fact, throughout the Old and New Testaments, the two go hand in hand.
Both his dependence upon the Pericope Adulterae (John 7:53-8:11) for his approach to those who differ from him and his indictment of Imprecatory Psalms make me worry about his view of scripture. I can't help but wonder, built on such an unstable foundation, how much of Kaltenbach's arguments can stand.
That said, from Chapter 6 on, there is little I flat-out disagreed with -- the differences ranged from minor quibbles to exceptions -- but he said nothing that I'd say was entirely wrong or baseless, and I could appreciate what he said and where he was coming from. Both his understanding of the biblical teaching on sex, and the way that Christians should interact with, think about, and treat those with whom they disagree on sensitive issues is commendable and spot-on. As this is the point of the book, however sloppily he goes about it, I have to like that.
It's a good 101 book (maybe a 080?), but one should grab his "More Reading" list and work through it -- Champagne Butterfield's book would be the best to start with if you like the memoir aspect of this book.
---
* If you're unfamiliar with the story, see DeYoung's quotation of Packer here.
-----
I received this book from the ever-so-nice people at Blogging for Books for this review.
July 22, 2015
Many, may years ago when I was still young, I felt I was being led to be the preacher of a certain church. I began going through all the motions--sending a resume, sample sermon, meeting families and members of the church, preaching trial sermon(s), and finally submitting to a vote of the congregation. During the course of this process I met with a particular gentleman who also happened to be an elder in the church. He was an older man, from a different generation, and was necessarily conservative in his theology. I distinctly recall our meeting one day before I was hired. We were sitting in a quiet room off of the main sanctuary talking with the door closed. I distinctly remember his question to me: What do you think about 'the gays'? Not, "What do you think about Jesus?" But, "What do you think about 'the gays'?"
This is all prefatory to my review of this book called Messy Grace. I received this in the mail on July 21 and on July 22 made it my ambition to read it. I did. It took me about 3 hours (because I underline and make a lot of notes.) I will just say, straight up, I love this book. That's right. I love it. Now don't mistake my loving of the book for agreement with all things written in the book, but I think it is safe to say that by and large there is nothing in this book that I find theologically repugnant.
For this review, I'm staying wholly positive. Except for a couple of minor quibbles (his use of the word 'gender' as a synonym for 'sex', and a couple of generalizations, for example), I have no complaints at all about this book. This is an important book that needs to be read because it strikes a beautiful balance between grace and truth and helps us apply both wisely in our relationships and witness to people who are different from us. So while I understand that he is writing to Christians about the manner in which we relate to homosexuals, as you will see in my conclusion, it's really about how we relate to anyone who is different from us.
So, a few points to highlight.
This past Sunday our preacher made a statement that was utterly profound in its simplicity. He said (and I'm paraphrasing): "We cannot build relationships with people unless we start them." I couldn't agree with him more. The author of Messy Grace makes similar statements throughout the book. One that I found helpful begins on page 31: "It's imperative that we have grace for people while they are still thinking, speaking, and acting in ways we might not agree with. And we need to overcome our own inner resistance to getting involved in a relationship with them. A real mark of spiritual maturity is how we treat someone who is different from us" (31-32, his emphasis.) Isn't this how all of us want to be treated? Do any of us want to be outcasts from the church until we get all of our life together?
The church would be empty.
Kaltenbach consistently calls us to evaluate this question of how we treat other people. He is absolutely on mark when he calls the church to think differently about the way we treat those who are different from us--those who happen to be on a journey that moves at a different speed than the one we are on. I think it is fair for Christians to ask why someone would say, "Christians don't like anyone who's not like them" (39). Could it be that in some ways those who are different from us are in fact more understanding and loving and compassionate than those of us who are called to be defined by those very things: loving, kind, compassionate, and understanding? Shouldn't this change? Shouldn't the church be a place where people can be vulnerable and weak and loved?
"Part of the pursuit is being honest with people, but doing so in a loving way." (45) This theme is developed over and over again in the book. He's asking us to evaluate who we are because of Jesus. Has Jesus changed us? Has he made us new or not? If we are still stuck in days gone by ways of thinking and judging then might we not ask if we have really met Jesus at all?
Second, I want to add that by and large the author handles Scripture very well and does not shy away from the so-called hard passages that talk about homosexuality. He affirms over and over again the testimony of Jesus, Paul, and others. So for example, he notes that "nowhere in the New Testament, however, does God define acceptable sexuality as being other than between one man and one woman. In fact, the New Testament specifically reaffirms the Old Testament's position that same-gender sexual activity is not acceptable" (86). He says later, "Another way to say this is that Jesus had to chance to define an intimate relationship as being other than male-female, but he did not" (90).
This book, so far as I can tell, is wholly orthodox which is a way of saying that he is not blurring lines in Scripture in order to spare people the truth. In contrast to other books on this subject, he is not performing exegetical somersaults to make his point one way or another. He is reading Scripture and talking about its plain meaning. He lays it out for us and allows us to think on matters. He candidly admits we might disagree with him and that he is still searching some things. He is telling us what the Bible says. But he is saying we need to be gracious...much in the same way 'God demonstrated his own love for us in this: while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.' We do well, as Christians, to bear this in mind continually in our dealings with people.
Finally, there is one more thing that stood out to me as important and something that I think served to minister to the author and in some ways served as the catalyst for the writing of the book. He tells in the book the story of his own conversion experience and he tells how his family reacted to his conversion to Jesus. I wrote in the margin on page 118 that Caleb is saying we should respond to homosexuals about their sexuality exactly not how his parents responded to him about his faith. Then a couple of pages later I read that 'the irony of this situation was that my parents thought I would disown them, when in actuality I felt as if they were disowning me" (123). The point is that he did not like at all the way he felt when he was rejected for his faith in Jesus. I'm glad he remembered that feeling. I'm even gladder he shared it with us.
Something tells me that this feeling stayed with him as he grew older and was trying to work through all the things he writes of in the book--in particular, how is he going to treat others because of his faith in Jesus? There is a significant lesson here for all of us who claim Jesus. In America we experience very little rejection because of our faith, but maybe that's not the best thing at all. We grow in our experience. Caleb's experience of rejection taught him how it feels to be rejected and thus how someone else might feel if they are rejected. I see God's brilliance here and I see a brilliant man who understood well the lesson that Jesus was teaching him. Would that more of us learned this lesson. It might make us more compassionate believers and more easily accessible to those who face it daily.
I love that he is open and honest about the relationships he has formed in life with those God has brought to him. I love that this guy didn't write a book crying and moaning and complaining about his 'terrible life' being raised by divorced, gay parents. I love that this guy wrote a book that at its core is telling us to get over ourselves and get to loving people--like Jesus did.
I love that he is open and honest. I love that he weeps and laughs and gets angry and is confused and is (still) searching--I love that when this guy lost someone close to him, he had a group of people to weep with him. I mean this when I say that this book touched me precisely because it is honest and unflinching and yet vulnerable and emotive. He helps us understand that no matter what we believe, there are no easy answers and that there will be pain along the way. But he also lets us see that we belong to a God of hope and mercy and grace and truth and love and Jesus.
Let me tell you how much I love this book!
Here's the truth that I have figured out after a long time in and out of ministry: this book isn't just about Christians and LGBT people even if that is the overwhelming paradigm being established in it. It's about Christians and all people. It's about the way Christians treat one another: abysmally. It's about the way we treat old people: horribly. It's about the way we treat young people: dismally. It's about the way we treat poor people: dishonorably. It's about the way we treat liberals: ugly. It's about the way we treat conservatives: angrily. It's about the way we treat foreigners: condescendingly. Frankly, it's about the way we treat one another--all the time, in every way, in every circumstance. We are not nice people when it comes too most people who are different from us. I could tell you how I have been treated by the church when I was a preacher. It's not pretty.
I teach special education. I have since I was removed from ministry against my will about 6 years ago. You know what I have learned since I started working with students who have autism, Down Syndrome, emotional and behavioral disabilities, ADHD, and more? They all, all to a very large extent although not literally all, come from extremely dysfunctional, broken, and wrecked families. Yep. Almost without fail there is divorce, separation, jail, death, poverty, substance abuse, abuse (in one form or another) and more. And these are the people that God has called me to minister to--not just the students, but the parents. And you know what I have to do? I have to be nice. To all of them. All the time. Every day. I can't tell the parents what I really think. I can't make them all rich or fix all of their marriages. But I say this honestly: I have learned--as an educator in public schools--how not to be judgmental. That's right: how to love people, all people, any people is my daily objective. Anyone who walks through my classroom door. Anyone with whom I come in contact with: I am an agent of God's grace in an often ugly environment.
But it's not just about being nice while something else is swirling in my head. It's about changing and actually becoming a different person (CS Lewis describes this change brilliantly in Mere Christianity, chapter 10, "Nice people or new men?") It's about being a nice person and not just about being nice to people. Anyone can be nice, but not all of us are truly, genuinely lovers of people. God takes these barriers of soft bigotry and hard prejudice and breaks them down--like he did the dividing wall between Jews and Gentiles. I truly believe this book, Messy Grace, will go a long way towards helping people not just be nice (which is a nice way of saying 'being hypocrites') but also to transform them into the sort of people who actually, truly, genuinely love people for Jesus' sake, love people for their own sake. This is what he has called us to do. To love people, other humans--our brothers and sisters in flesh. To minister to them. To bring the healing of Jesus into their lives when they are ready for it. And to let God do his work on them when he is ready to do his work.
"Christians need to stop trying to convert people's sexuality. It isn't our job to change someone's sexual orientation. You and I are not called by God to make gay people straight. It is our job to lead anyone and everyone to Christ. I believe God is big enough to deal with a person's sexuality" (185).
Well said. Very well said.
It will never be easy for Christians in this culture of 'I want to see results now.' But we can if we are patient, if we pray, and if we pay attention to the often subtle movements of the Holy Spirit of Jesus. My prayer is that our Father will use this book to change the hearts and minds and attitudes of the church of Christ into such as we see in Jesus who welcomed all who came and never drove any away, who called all to repentance, who loved all right where they were but wasn't content to leave them there, who didn't condemn but commanded us to change.
And this is the message to the church. First. First Jesus speaks to the church. And we must listen.
You will do well to pre-order this book and read it prayerfully in one sitting. You will be rewarded for doing so.
5/5 stars
Important Book & Author Things
Where to purchase Messy Grace Amazon (Paperback, pre-order for $11.24; October 20, 2015) CBD (Paper back, $10.99; pre-order 10/20/2015); WaterBrook Multnomah (Trade paperback, $14.99; pre-order).
Author: Caleb Kaltenbach on Twitter | Messy Grace
Publisher: WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group
Pages: 212 (ARC, page count may be different in final publication)
Year: October 20, 2015
Audience:Pastors, preachers, Christians, missionaries, elders, deacons, young people, old people
Reading Level: High School
Disclaimer: I was provided a free advance reading copy courtesy of WaterBrook Press via the Blogging for Books Blogger program
Page numbers in this review are based on the ARC. Numbering may be different in final publication.
This is all prefatory to my review of this book called Messy Grace. I received this in the mail on July 21 and on July 22 made it my ambition to read it. I did. It took me about 3 hours (because I underline and make a lot of notes.) I will just say, straight up, I love this book. That's right. I love it. Now don't mistake my loving of the book for agreement with all things written in the book, but I think it is safe to say that by and large there is nothing in this book that I find theologically repugnant.
For this review, I'm staying wholly positive. Except for a couple of minor quibbles (his use of the word 'gender' as a synonym for 'sex', and a couple of generalizations, for example), I have no complaints at all about this book. This is an important book that needs to be read because it strikes a beautiful balance between grace and truth and helps us apply both wisely in our relationships and witness to people who are different from us. So while I understand that he is writing to Christians about the manner in which we relate to homosexuals, as you will see in my conclusion, it's really about how we relate to anyone who is different from us.
So, a few points to highlight.
This past Sunday our preacher made a statement that was utterly profound in its simplicity. He said (and I'm paraphrasing): "We cannot build relationships with people unless we start them." I couldn't agree with him more. The author of Messy Grace makes similar statements throughout the book. One that I found helpful begins on page 31: "It's imperative that we have grace for people while they are still thinking, speaking, and acting in ways we might not agree with. And we need to overcome our own inner resistance to getting involved in a relationship with them. A real mark of spiritual maturity is how we treat someone who is different from us" (31-32, his emphasis.) Isn't this how all of us want to be treated? Do any of us want to be outcasts from the church until we get all of our life together?
The church would be empty.
Kaltenbach consistently calls us to evaluate this question of how we treat other people. He is absolutely on mark when he calls the church to think differently about the way we treat those who are different from us--those who happen to be on a journey that moves at a different speed than the one we are on. I think it is fair for Christians to ask why someone would say, "Christians don't like anyone who's not like them" (39). Could it be that in some ways those who are different from us are in fact more understanding and loving and compassionate than those of us who are called to be defined by those very things: loving, kind, compassionate, and understanding? Shouldn't this change? Shouldn't the church be a place where people can be vulnerable and weak and loved?
"Part of the pursuit is being honest with people, but doing so in a loving way." (45) This theme is developed over and over again in the book. He's asking us to evaluate who we are because of Jesus. Has Jesus changed us? Has he made us new or not? If we are still stuck in days gone by ways of thinking and judging then might we not ask if we have really met Jesus at all?
Second, I want to add that by and large the author handles Scripture very well and does not shy away from the so-called hard passages that talk about homosexuality. He affirms over and over again the testimony of Jesus, Paul, and others. So for example, he notes that "nowhere in the New Testament, however, does God define acceptable sexuality as being other than between one man and one woman. In fact, the New Testament specifically reaffirms the Old Testament's position that same-gender sexual activity is not acceptable" (86). He says later, "Another way to say this is that Jesus had to chance to define an intimate relationship as being other than male-female, but he did not" (90).
This book, so far as I can tell, is wholly orthodox which is a way of saying that he is not blurring lines in Scripture in order to spare people the truth. In contrast to other books on this subject, he is not performing exegetical somersaults to make his point one way or another. He is reading Scripture and talking about its plain meaning. He lays it out for us and allows us to think on matters. He candidly admits we might disagree with him and that he is still searching some things. He is telling us what the Bible says. But he is saying we need to be gracious...much in the same way 'God demonstrated his own love for us in this: while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.' We do well, as Christians, to bear this in mind continually in our dealings with people.
Finally, there is one more thing that stood out to me as important and something that I think served to minister to the author and in some ways served as the catalyst for the writing of the book. He tells in the book the story of his own conversion experience and he tells how his family reacted to his conversion to Jesus. I wrote in the margin on page 118 that Caleb is saying we should respond to homosexuals about their sexuality exactly not how his parents responded to him about his faith. Then a couple of pages later I read that 'the irony of this situation was that my parents thought I would disown them, when in actuality I felt as if they were disowning me" (123). The point is that he did not like at all the way he felt when he was rejected for his faith in Jesus. I'm glad he remembered that feeling. I'm even gladder he shared it with us.
Something tells me that this feeling stayed with him as he grew older and was trying to work through all the things he writes of in the book--in particular, how is he going to treat others because of his faith in Jesus? There is a significant lesson here for all of us who claim Jesus. In America we experience very little rejection because of our faith, but maybe that's not the best thing at all. We grow in our experience. Caleb's experience of rejection taught him how it feels to be rejected and thus how someone else might feel if they are rejected. I see God's brilliance here and I see a brilliant man who understood well the lesson that Jesus was teaching him. Would that more of us learned this lesson. It might make us more compassionate believers and more easily accessible to those who face it daily.
I love that he is open and honest about the relationships he has formed in life with those God has brought to him. I love that this guy didn't write a book crying and moaning and complaining about his 'terrible life' being raised by divorced, gay parents. I love that this guy wrote a book that at its core is telling us to get over ourselves and get to loving people--like Jesus did.
I love that he is open and honest. I love that he weeps and laughs and gets angry and is confused and is (still) searching--I love that when this guy lost someone close to him, he had a group of people to weep with him. I mean this when I say that this book touched me precisely because it is honest and unflinching and yet vulnerable and emotive. He helps us understand that no matter what we believe, there are no easy answers and that there will be pain along the way. But he also lets us see that we belong to a God of hope and mercy and grace and truth and love and Jesus.
Let me tell you how much I love this book!
Here's the truth that I have figured out after a long time in and out of ministry: this book isn't just about Christians and LGBT people even if that is the overwhelming paradigm being established in it. It's about Christians and all people. It's about the way Christians treat one another: abysmally. It's about the way we treat old people: horribly. It's about the way we treat young people: dismally. It's about the way we treat poor people: dishonorably. It's about the way we treat liberals: ugly. It's about the way we treat conservatives: angrily. It's about the way we treat foreigners: condescendingly. Frankly, it's about the way we treat one another--all the time, in every way, in every circumstance. We are not nice people when it comes too most people who are different from us. I could tell you how I have been treated by the church when I was a preacher. It's not pretty.
I teach special education. I have since I was removed from ministry against my will about 6 years ago. You know what I have learned since I started working with students who have autism, Down Syndrome, emotional and behavioral disabilities, ADHD, and more? They all, all to a very large extent although not literally all, come from extremely dysfunctional, broken, and wrecked families. Yep. Almost without fail there is divorce, separation, jail, death, poverty, substance abuse, abuse (in one form or another) and more. And these are the people that God has called me to minister to--not just the students, but the parents. And you know what I have to do? I have to be nice. To all of them. All the time. Every day. I can't tell the parents what I really think. I can't make them all rich or fix all of their marriages. But I say this honestly: I have learned--as an educator in public schools--how not to be judgmental. That's right: how to love people, all people, any people is my daily objective. Anyone who walks through my classroom door. Anyone with whom I come in contact with: I am an agent of God's grace in an often ugly environment.
But it's not just about being nice while something else is swirling in my head. It's about changing and actually becoming a different person (CS Lewis describes this change brilliantly in Mere Christianity, chapter 10, "Nice people or new men?") It's about being a nice person and not just about being nice to people. Anyone can be nice, but not all of us are truly, genuinely lovers of people. God takes these barriers of soft bigotry and hard prejudice and breaks them down--like he did the dividing wall between Jews and Gentiles. I truly believe this book, Messy Grace, will go a long way towards helping people not just be nice (which is a nice way of saying 'being hypocrites') but also to transform them into the sort of people who actually, truly, genuinely love people for Jesus' sake, love people for their own sake. This is what he has called us to do. To love people, other humans--our brothers and sisters in flesh. To minister to them. To bring the healing of Jesus into their lives when they are ready for it. And to let God do his work on them when he is ready to do his work.
"Christians need to stop trying to convert people's sexuality. It isn't our job to change someone's sexual orientation. You and I are not called by God to make gay people straight. It is our job to lead anyone and everyone to Christ. I believe God is big enough to deal with a person's sexuality" (185).
Well said. Very well said.
It will never be easy for Christians in this culture of 'I want to see results now.' But we can if we are patient, if we pray, and if we pay attention to the often subtle movements of the Holy Spirit of Jesus. My prayer is that our Father will use this book to change the hearts and minds and attitudes of the church of Christ into such as we see in Jesus who welcomed all who came and never drove any away, who called all to repentance, who loved all right where they were but wasn't content to leave them there, who didn't condemn but commanded us to change.
And this is the message to the church. First. First Jesus speaks to the church. And we must listen.
You will do well to pre-order this book and read it prayerfully in one sitting. You will be rewarded for doing so.
5/5 stars
Important Book & Author Things
Where to purchase Messy Grace Amazon (Paperback, pre-order for $11.24; October 20, 2015) CBD (Paper back, $10.99; pre-order 10/20/2015); WaterBrook Multnomah (Trade paperback, $14.99; pre-order).
Author: Caleb Kaltenbach on Twitter | Messy Grace
Publisher: WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group
Pages: 212 (ARC, page count may be different in final publication)
Year: October 20, 2015
Audience:Pastors, preachers, Christians, missionaries, elders, deacons, young people, old people
Reading Level: High School
Disclaimer: I was provided a free advance reading copy courtesy of WaterBrook Press via the Blogging for Books Blogger program
Page numbers in this review are based on the ARC. Numbering may be different in final publication.
February 10, 2017
I had high hopes for this book. The subject intrigued me: a Christian pastor who grew up with two gay parents- not a same sex couple but a mom who left her husband for another woman, and a father who was closeted. The first third or so of the book kind of irritated me. Kaltenbach is not the best writer. He sounds very young. There are too many cliches, too many exclamation points and a bit too much sermonizing, in my opinion. But it did get better in the second part. Kaltenbach has some helpful insights and provides some good challenges to both the LGBT and Christian communities.
The theological insights are OK; he is not a scholar, and he admits as much. I didn't care for the title of this book either Messy Grace : Grace is not messy. It is very precise and intentional. The recipients of grace are messy. And broken. And another piece of advice I'd give to the pastor here, don't use the word "messy" over and over again. It's better to illustrate the point than it is to repeat the same word. It started to lose its meaning after the first fourteen or so times.
Having said all this, I did like the book. I appreciated Kaltenbach's story, his honesty, and his charge to his readers: don't assume so much; love people the way they are; you can disagree with people on fundamental points and still be friends, be family; and give each other space to grow.
The theological insights are OK; he is not a scholar, and he admits as much. I didn't care for the title of this book either Messy Grace : Grace is not messy. It is very precise and intentional. The recipients of grace are messy. And broken. And another piece of advice I'd give to the pastor here, don't use the word "messy" over and over again. It's better to illustrate the point than it is to repeat the same word. It started to lose its meaning after the first fourteen or so times.
Having said all this, I did like the book. I appreciated Kaltenbach's story, his honesty, and his charge to his readers: don't assume so much; love people the way they are; you can disagree with people on fundamental points and still be friends, be family; and give each other space to grow.
March 20, 2017
My friend gave me this book to read, and being part of the LGBTQ community I figured I'd give it a read.
I was disappointed that the author seemed to contradict himself many times. At one point he says that homosexuals should not be treated like they're broken or that they need to be fixed, but then he suggests that the reader tells the gay person that they need to be fixed.
I appreciated the fact that the author wanted to destroy the walls the churches built to keep gay people out and eliminate the "us-versus-them" mentality of all of it.
**Personal rant**
I had to chuckle at the fact that he suggested two alternate options for gay people; celibacy to all gay people which I had to chuckle at, or marry a woman anyway. Like really? Those were the two best options? Not have sex for the rest of your life or get into a meaningless hetrosexual marriage? Give me a break! Just let gay people be gay. Don' try to fix them because they're not broken. Let me repeat that last part. GAY PEOPLE ARE NOT BROKEN
I was disappointed that the author seemed to contradict himself many times. At one point he says that homosexuals should not be treated like they're broken or that they need to be fixed, but then he suggests that the reader tells the gay person that they need to be fixed.
I appreciated the fact that the author wanted to destroy the walls the churches built to keep gay people out and eliminate the "us-versus-them" mentality of all of it.
**Personal rant**
I had to chuckle at the fact that he suggested two alternate options for gay people; celibacy to all gay people which I had to chuckle at, or marry a woman anyway. Like really? Those were the two best options? Not have sex for the rest of your life or get into a meaningless hetrosexual marriage? Give me a break! Just let gay people be gay. Don' try to fix them because they're not broken. Let me repeat that last part. GAY PEOPLE ARE NOT BROKEN
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 8, 2017
If I could give this zero stars I would. Not only does the author frequently lose his credibility by being insensitive to the struggle of actual homosexuals, but his empathy is non existent. This book is harmful to young gay teenagers and encourages muted homophobia.
January 6, 2020
MESSY GRACE: HOW A PASTOR WITH GAY PARENTS LEARNED TO LOVE OTHERS WITHOUT SACRIFICING CONVICTION by Caleb Kaltenbach is a powerful inspirational and insightful book about how we love people who are different from us. It's about the messiness of grace and truth.
"With uncompromising conviction, Kaltenbach teaches each one of us to hear the heart of God and to be the face of Christ in a broken world. The call for mercy, love, grace, and compassion are written on every page and are both highly courageous and poignantly raw."
- Michelle Anthony, author of Spiritual Parenting and Becoming a Spiritually Healthy Family
"Messy Grace is pure truth spoken in love and will help you relate to every person in a way that pleases God."
- Jack Graham, Pastor, Prestonwood Baptist Church
Below are some quotes from this book that "stood out" to me.
"Love is the tension of grace and truth."
"The grace of God is bigger than any of us is willing to admit."
"Ultimately it doesn't matter what you and I think. It matters what God thinks."
The Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost. (Luke 19:10)
MESSY GRACE reminds us that Jesus's command to "love your neighbour as yourself" doesn't have an exception clause for a gay "neighbour" - or any other "neighbour" we might find it hard to relate to. Jesus loved everyone without compromising truth. So can we. Even when it's messy.
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (John 13:35)
4 lovely stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟
"With uncompromising conviction, Kaltenbach teaches each one of us to hear the heart of God and to be the face of Christ in a broken world. The call for mercy, love, grace, and compassion are written on every page and are both highly courageous and poignantly raw."
- Michelle Anthony, author of Spiritual Parenting and Becoming a Spiritually Healthy Family
"Messy Grace is pure truth spoken in love and will help you relate to every person in a way that pleases God."
- Jack Graham, Pastor, Prestonwood Baptist Church
Below are some quotes from this book that "stood out" to me.
"Love is the tension of grace and truth."
"The grace of God is bigger than any of us is willing to admit."
"Ultimately it doesn't matter what you and I think. It matters what God thinks."
The Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost. (Luke 19:10)
MESSY GRACE reminds us that Jesus's command to "love your neighbour as yourself" doesn't have an exception clause for a gay "neighbour" - or any other "neighbour" we might find it hard to relate to. Jesus loved everyone without compromising truth. So can we. Even when it's messy.
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (John 13:35)
4 lovely stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟
July 20, 2015
To be added to every Christian reader's ( and all serious reader's) essential reading list. A well-written thought provoking book about one of the most discussed topics of the day, from an unusual viewpoint. Sure to be discussed and, unfortunately, criticized by those on both sides for speaking truth clearly. I can't recommend this book enough.
June 4, 2018
A book about a pastor being raised by two moms and a closeted gay dad: sounds like an interesting topic. I must say that it started off well, and I did agree with a lot Kaltenbach wrote. Unfortunately, in the second half he gets really condescending. As a gay man I was actually kind of offended by the way he suggested celibacy as a way to help you cope with your attraction to the same sex. I did skip a lot of pages where I thought he was talking poop.
January 9, 2018
A book that exploits the LGBT community to make sells and then disregards their validity in coded ways through out his book. Would give 0/5 stars if possible.
December 2, 2018
Caleb Kaltenbach’s Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love without Sacrificing Conviction (2015, WaterBrook Press) had been recommended to me as a compassion treatment of the intersection of faith and sexual orientation.
Kaltenbach’s book is one of the recent book offerings in latest genre of Christian authors extending what they perceive as a more merciful perspective on the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community.
I was hoping that Caleb Kaltenbach, raised by a lesbian mother and her partner, and a gay father and his partner, might have a heightened empathetic curiosity that would drive him challenge his views and look to resources outside the evangelical bubble.
I was disappointed.
Kaltenbach is the lead pastor of Discovery Church in Simi Valley, CA.
Much of his book is the narrative of his life with his parents, his own journey to faith, and subsequent interaction with his parents after he became a Christian, and later, a pastor.
Admirably, the author does offer fellow straight believers tips on interacting and relating to LGBT people. It really is unfortunate, however, that we Christians need to be reminded to treat others humanely, considerately, and with kindness.
Because social and medical understanding of sexual orientation, and cultural assimilation have changed radically in the past 35 years, year markers are essential to LGBT stories told in recent decades. Kaltenbach neglects to firmly anchor his story with such markers. I found the absence of a timeline distracting when trying to pinpoint conservative Christian responses to the LGBT community in the narrative.
The author tells the story of Westboro Baptist-type street preachers at a Gay Pride event in Kansas City in what might have been the 1980s. I imagine many readers silently assuring themselves they would never treat LGBT people like that.
Westboro and their ilk are surely part of the extreme fringe of Christianity. I have attended many pride events and know very few people who are as ugly and aggressive as street preachers at Pride events. Most of us have absolutely no problem being nicer than typical street screechers. So, while tsk-tsking at this low bar of behavior, the majority of us are let off the hook.
It is not their overt anger towards the LGBT community that is the bulk of the problem in the Christian church. I know far more Christians who are quietly dismissive of LGBT people. Those attitudes are indeed often more destructive. They want LGBT people to stop being LGB or T before they extended the fellowship of congregational inclusion.
Ironically, Kaltenbach encourages his readers to consider their own subtle negative attitudes, asking, “Have you used derogatory language to refer to gay people or their sexual preferences?” (Italics mine.)
“Sexual preferences” indicates active choice. It is a term from before the 1990s and well left there. Medical professionals, and the culture in generally, had rudimentary understanding of sexual orientation.
LGBT people have sexual orientations, not sexual preferences.
Referencing the book title, Messy Grace, Kaltenbach suggests readers “live in the tension of grace and truth.”
Perhaps I have misunderstood grace in my own Christian walk, but the grace I have been given at salvation and asked to extend to others is God’s grace. It is big enough to cover all sin for all humanity. While it may be hard to understand, it is not messy. It is actually well defined in its limitlessness.
We make grace messy is tying it up in our rules and our expectations.
Kaltenbach goes on to define love as “the tension between grace and truth.” Here is where I began to wince.
What is the “truth” of which he speaks and asks us to hold in tension with God’s limitless grace?
I am assuming the “truth” is the conventional view (only historically recently developed over the last 75 years incidentally) that the ancient writers of six key passages of Scripture depicting same-sex behavior were unquestionably referring to those who are same-sex attracted, gays, lesbians and bisexuals.
If this is the “truth” you hold in tension with God’s limitless grace, you will always and ultimately fail in Christlike treatment of the LGBT community.
Well, that was mighty direct!
The majority of the evangelical world, along with their conservative cousins, likes to plop 21st century perspectives onto the first century, or even further back in the 14 century BC. They tell us, in assurance, they have the correct interpretation of passages. They know the meaning of, context of, and audience to which these key texts were written.
I have a far longer explanation of why this is an inaccurate view.
I deal build a foundation of proof over a span of ten chapters in my book Walking the Bridgeless Canyon. Simply put, the same-sex behavior we read about in the Bible is presented as man on boy sex, sexual excess, and/or lust, or in the case of Sodom, rape—basically, in those passages, we read about men doing whatever they wanted to do sexually with their bodies with whomever they wanted to do it with (women, boys, slaves, prostitutes or rape victims). We always see either an age or power differential between the men and the sex partner.
Two people of the same-sex, of equal social status, in mutually loving, consensual, monogamous relationships were not culturally visible until the early 20th century. Such attractions were not even noticed until the end of the 1800s, and then, only in small medical environments. Culturally, same sex, equal-status couples crept into visibility by about the 1920s.
Truth might be better approached when we cease turning a blind eye to what every major professional medical and health care organization in the U.S. knows: a homosexual orientation is a normal variation of human sexuality.
Kaltenbach, admitting some people will not “be able to hold fast to what Scripture teaches on sexuality” (ie. they will not stop being gay) offers “another way” for LGBT people to enjoy Christian church inclusion – a life-long submission to celibacy.
Sometimes words scream off pages, and following is a prime instance.
At the opening of Chapter 9, Kaltenbach writes, “One thing I’m pretty sure we can all agree on is that God created us as sexual beings.“ Soon he effuses, “Thank you, Lord.” Three pages later, having covered his personal wrestling with the issue of faith and sexual orientation for many years, Kaltenbach has “decided” there is one option for people with same-sex attractions: celibacy.
He can enjoy sex, while gay people, per his theological understanding, must be celibate.
Frankly, married, sexually active heterosexual Christians who “lovingly” suggest a life of celibacy for others mystify me.
Kaltenbach recommends we “celebrate” celibacy because: a celibate life shows Jesus is enough to fulfill the life of a celibate; celibacy offers freedom to serve others that married people do not have, a freedom “to move wherever they want to live, and to focus on hobbies or talents,” and so much more.
Kaltenbach urges LGBT people to “put God’s call above your own preference.” There is that word again indicating the choice of sexual attraction.
Perhaps, time thinking about and wrestling with theology that imposes life-long celibacy on others (while simultaneously thoroughly enjoying sex yourself), might be better invested in relationship with LGBT Christians. With relational grounding, one might seek to understand why a growing number of LGBT Christians and their allies have come to fully affirming biblical views of life-long, monogamous, loving same-sex relationships and marriage.
As an aside, statistically married people with families live longer, happier lives than do single people. The sales pitch for celibacy is shallow.
Absolutely tragically, Kaltenbach suggests another option for gay people: get heterosexually married. “A loving heterosexual marriage could redeem same-sex feelings.”
Yes, there are stories of gay people being heterosexually married. Please consider however – sexual orientation has three parts: sexual identity (what I say I am), sexual behavior (what sex I have sex with), and sexual attraction (which sex I am naturally attracted to). Calling oneself straight and participating in heterosexual sex, does not mean the natural attractions are gone nor that one’s same-sex feelings are “redeemed.”
I wrote a chapter in my book Walking the Bridgeless Canyon entitled “Gay People Marry Straight People – Now What?” Ignoring natural sexual attraction is not a wise choice and will never “redeem” attractions that are not fully innate to a person. The stories are not encouraging. Let me make this simple: to a father of a cherished daughter – would you encourage your child to marry a man that says he “was” gay but is no more? If you would not want it for yourself, stop passing it off as God’s will for others.
That the witness of LGBT Christians appear to be all but entirely excluded from Kaltenbach’s book is sad.
What began to challenge my traditional evangelical sureness was relationship with LGBT Christians. In 2007, I was one of the first straight Christians to attend a Gay Christian Network Conference. Since then, I have come to meet thousands of LGBT Christians. Though it may be an uncomfortable concept to grasp for some, LGBT Christians are often the most accurate reflections of Christ I know.
Because I could see the witness of Christ in the lives of LGBT Christians, I was compelled to do the work to try to align what I thought the Bible said with what I could see before me in the lives of real people. This led me on a long journey to better understanding.
Ignoring the existence and authentic witness of LGBT Christians will result in incomplete and flawed theological conclusions about faith and sexual ethics as they intersects sexual orientation and gender identity.
********************************
While I respect the amount of time Mr. Kaltenbach has invested in writing Messy Grace along with the several decades spent thinking about the topic, I would encourage him to more diligently engage theological thought that does not exclude LGBT people.
There are a growing number of Christians along with excellent resources that hold to interpretation of Scripture that include our LGBT brothers and sisters in Christ.
We need to stop being ignorant about history, science and the testimonies of LGBT Christians. All can be most certainly aligned with the Word of God.
Ignoring this input has resulted in flawed ideology and theology, which has crippled our outreach to and inclusion of LGBT people.
We will never be able to reach LGBT people and their allies with God’s love and God’s grace if we remain lazy and insist that our severely flawed ideology is the “truth.”
We all lose. Tragically, we are missing out on the beauty, gifts and fuller image of God our LGBT brothers and sisters in Christ offer.
Rather than defining love as the tension between grace and truth, where grace is messy and truth is flawed, I suggest love might be more costly than nicely telling LGBT people what you believe the Bible says.
Perhaps in an effort to express authentic love, we could lay aside our sureness, reexamine the Scriptures anew in context, empathetically listen to our LGBT brothers and sisters, read in earnest well-researched, theological-supported, and historically accurately information we are not familiar with, and in humility that risks being wrong and losing favor within the evangelical/conservative bubble, ask the Spirit of God for eyes to see what we may have missed in arrogance and pride.
Christian writings about the LGBT community will never reflect the grace of God until it is unconditional; nor the truth until it brings into alignment an interpretation of Scripture that honors science, the natural world, and of the testimonies of LGBT Christians.
It’s going to get messy.
Kaltenbach’s book is one of the recent book offerings in latest genre of Christian authors extending what they perceive as a more merciful perspective on the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community.
I was hoping that Caleb Kaltenbach, raised by a lesbian mother and her partner, and a gay father and his partner, might have a heightened empathetic curiosity that would drive him challenge his views and look to resources outside the evangelical bubble.
I was disappointed.
Kaltenbach is the lead pastor of Discovery Church in Simi Valley, CA.
Much of his book is the narrative of his life with his parents, his own journey to faith, and subsequent interaction with his parents after he became a Christian, and later, a pastor.
Admirably, the author does offer fellow straight believers tips on interacting and relating to LGBT people. It really is unfortunate, however, that we Christians need to be reminded to treat others humanely, considerately, and with kindness.
Because social and medical understanding of sexual orientation, and cultural assimilation have changed radically in the past 35 years, year markers are essential to LGBT stories told in recent decades. Kaltenbach neglects to firmly anchor his story with such markers. I found the absence of a timeline distracting when trying to pinpoint conservative Christian responses to the LGBT community in the narrative.
The author tells the story of Westboro Baptist-type street preachers at a Gay Pride event in Kansas City in what might have been the 1980s. I imagine many readers silently assuring themselves they would never treat LGBT people like that.
Westboro and their ilk are surely part of the extreme fringe of Christianity. I have attended many pride events and know very few people who are as ugly and aggressive as street preachers at Pride events. Most of us have absolutely no problem being nicer than typical street screechers. So, while tsk-tsking at this low bar of behavior, the majority of us are let off the hook.
It is not their overt anger towards the LGBT community that is the bulk of the problem in the Christian church. I know far more Christians who are quietly dismissive of LGBT people. Those attitudes are indeed often more destructive. They want LGBT people to stop being LGB or T before they extended the fellowship of congregational inclusion.
Ironically, Kaltenbach encourages his readers to consider their own subtle negative attitudes, asking, “Have you used derogatory language to refer to gay people or their sexual preferences?” (Italics mine.)
“Sexual preferences” indicates active choice. It is a term from before the 1990s and well left there. Medical professionals, and the culture in generally, had rudimentary understanding of sexual orientation.
LGBT people have sexual orientations, not sexual preferences.
Referencing the book title, Messy Grace, Kaltenbach suggests readers “live in the tension of grace and truth.”
Perhaps I have misunderstood grace in my own Christian walk, but the grace I have been given at salvation and asked to extend to others is God’s grace. It is big enough to cover all sin for all humanity. While it may be hard to understand, it is not messy. It is actually well defined in its limitlessness.
We make grace messy is tying it up in our rules and our expectations.
Kaltenbach goes on to define love as “the tension between grace and truth.” Here is where I began to wince.
What is the “truth” of which he speaks and asks us to hold in tension with God’s limitless grace?
I am assuming the “truth” is the conventional view (only historically recently developed over the last 75 years incidentally) that the ancient writers of six key passages of Scripture depicting same-sex behavior were unquestionably referring to those who are same-sex attracted, gays, lesbians and bisexuals.
If this is the “truth” you hold in tension with God’s limitless grace, you will always and ultimately fail in Christlike treatment of the LGBT community.
Well, that was mighty direct!
The majority of the evangelical world, along with their conservative cousins, likes to plop 21st century perspectives onto the first century, or even further back in the 14 century BC. They tell us, in assurance, they have the correct interpretation of passages. They know the meaning of, context of, and audience to which these key texts were written.
I have a far longer explanation of why this is an inaccurate view.
I deal build a foundation of proof over a span of ten chapters in my book Walking the Bridgeless Canyon. Simply put, the same-sex behavior we read about in the Bible is presented as man on boy sex, sexual excess, and/or lust, or in the case of Sodom, rape—basically, in those passages, we read about men doing whatever they wanted to do sexually with their bodies with whomever they wanted to do it with (women, boys, slaves, prostitutes or rape victims). We always see either an age or power differential between the men and the sex partner.
Two people of the same-sex, of equal social status, in mutually loving, consensual, monogamous relationships were not culturally visible until the early 20th century. Such attractions were not even noticed until the end of the 1800s, and then, only in small medical environments. Culturally, same sex, equal-status couples crept into visibility by about the 1920s.
Truth might be better approached when we cease turning a blind eye to what every major professional medical and health care organization in the U.S. knows: a homosexual orientation is a normal variation of human sexuality.
Kaltenbach, admitting some people will not “be able to hold fast to what Scripture teaches on sexuality” (ie. they will not stop being gay) offers “another way” for LGBT people to enjoy Christian church inclusion – a life-long submission to celibacy.
Sometimes words scream off pages, and following is a prime instance.
At the opening of Chapter 9, Kaltenbach writes, “One thing I’m pretty sure we can all agree on is that God created us as sexual beings.“ Soon he effuses, “Thank you, Lord.” Three pages later, having covered his personal wrestling with the issue of faith and sexual orientation for many years, Kaltenbach has “decided” there is one option for people with same-sex attractions: celibacy.
He can enjoy sex, while gay people, per his theological understanding, must be celibate.
Frankly, married, sexually active heterosexual Christians who “lovingly” suggest a life of celibacy for others mystify me.
Kaltenbach recommends we “celebrate” celibacy because: a celibate life shows Jesus is enough to fulfill the life of a celibate; celibacy offers freedom to serve others that married people do not have, a freedom “to move wherever they want to live, and to focus on hobbies or talents,” and so much more.
Kaltenbach urges LGBT people to “put God’s call above your own preference.” There is that word again indicating the choice of sexual attraction.
Perhaps, time thinking about and wrestling with theology that imposes life-long celibacy on others (while simultaneously thoroughly enjoying sex yourself), might be better invested in relationship with LGBT Christians. With relational grounding, one might seek to understand why a growing number of LGBT Christians and their allies have come to fully affirming biblical views of life-long, monogamous, loving same-sex relationships and marriage.
As an aside, statistically married people with families live longer, happier lives than do single people. The sales pitch for celibacy is shallow.
Absolutely tragically, Kaltenbach suggests another option for gay people: get heterosexually married. “A loving heterosexual marriage could redeem same-sex feelings.”
Yes, there are stories of gay people being heterosexually married. Please consider however – sexual orientation has three parts: sexual identity (what I say I am), sexual behavior (what sex I have sex with), and sexual attraction (which sex I am naturally attracted to). Calling oneself straight and participating in heterosexual sex, does not mean the natural attractions are gone nor that one’s same-sex feelings are “redeemed.”
I wrote a chapter in my book Walking the Bridgeless Canyon entitled “Gay People Marry Straight People – Now What?” Ignoring natural sexual attraction is not a wise choice and will never “redeem” attractions that are not fully innate to a person. The stories are not encouraging. Let me make this simple: to a father of a cherished daughter – would you encourage your child to marry a man that says he “was” gay but is no more? If you would not want it for yourself, stop passing it off as God’s will for others.
That the witness of LGBT Christians appear to be all but entirely excluded from Kaltenbach’s book is sad.
What began to challenge my traditional evangelical sureness was relationship with LGBT Christians. In 2007, I was one of the first straight Christians to attend a Gay Christian Network Conference. Since then, I have come to meet thousands of LGBT Christians. Though it may be an uncomfortable concept to grasp for some, LGBT Christians are often the most accurate reflections of Christ I know.
Because I could see the witness of Christ in the lives of LGBT Christians, I was compelled to do the work to try to align what I thought the Bible said with what I could see before me in the lives of real people. This led me on a long journey to better understanding.
Ignoring the existence and authentic witness of LGBT Christians will result in incomplete and flawed theological conclusions about faith and sexual ethics as they intersects sexual orientation and gender identity.
********************************
While I respect the amount of time Mr. Kaltenbach has invested in writing Messy Grace along with the several decades spent thinking about the topic, I would encourage him to more diligently engage theological thought that does not exclude LGBT people.
There are a growing number of Christians along with excellent resources that hold to interpretation of Scripture that include our LGBT brothers and sisters in Christ.
We need to stop being ignorant about history, science and the testimonies of LGBT Christians. All can be most certainly aligned with the Word of God.
Ignoring this input has resulted in flawed ideology and theology, which has crippled our outreach to and inclusion of LGBT people.
We will never be able to reach LGBT people and their allies with God’s love and God’s grace if we remain lazy and insist that our severely flawed ideology is the “truth.”
We all lose. Tragically, we are missing out on the beauty, gifts and fuller image of God our LGBT brothers and sisters in Christ offer.
Rather than defining love as the tension between grace and truth, where grace is messy and truth is flawed, I suggest love might be more costly than nicely telling LGBT people what you believe the Bible says.
Perhaps in an effort to express authentic love, we could lay aside our sureness, reexamine the Scriptures anew in context, empathetically listen to our LGBT brothers and sisters, read in earnest well-researched, theological-supported, and historically accurately information we are not familiar with, and in humility that risks being wrong and losing favor within the evangelical/conservative bubble, ask the Spirit of God for eyes to see what we may have missed in arrogance and pride.
Christian writings about the LGBT community will never reflect the grace of God until it is unconditional; nor the truth until it brings into alignment an interpretation of Scripture that honors science, the natural world, and of the testimonies of LGBT Christians.
It’s going to get messy.
February 8, 2017
A fascinating story, if a bit shallow. The author's lack of theological precision was frustrating, though I suppose I've been spoiled by the clear thinking of John Feinberg or Al Mohler on these issues. At the same time, this book is a helpful reminder to be compassionate rather than combative, and to actively love the lost towards the Lord.
January 27, 2016
This is a departure from my normal fiction fare, but a book that I have been keen to read since I first knew it was going to be released. Finding the balance between loving someone while still standing firm in God's truth has been the cause of dissent within my own extended family, not just with same-sex relationships but also with opposite-sex relationships outside of marriage, and so I was keen to see how someone in such a unique position approached the issue.
Caleb Kaltenbach has two biological LGBT parents. They divorced when he was two, meaning he lived alternately with his mother and her lesbian partner (Vera), both very political and active in the LGBT community, and his father, who didn't reveal his LGBT status to Caleb until he was out of college.
It should be noted that this book is not a discussion of what the Bible says about homosexuality. There is a chapter in which the author discusses the Bible's teaching on the subject and explains why these passages cannot be reinterpreted as more liberal theologians have tried to do, but the book's focus is much more on the need to demonstrate love, not hate, to those in the LGBT community.
The first half of the book focuses on the 'not hating' part of the equation, including memories from Caleb's childhood of the way Christians behaved towards his mother and her partner. The need to show love, not hate, has never really been in issue with me, and so this part was not really instructive so much as reinforcing what I already knew. It did give me some insight into why relations are often so strained between Christians and the LGBT community.
The latter half of the book turns to what the author describes as the 'tension between grace and truth.' While the author defines this tension as 'love' he also tends to use the words 'love' and 'grace' interchangeably, and I would have liked to have seen this more clearly defined. In the end, it doesn't alter the message he hopes to convey: We cannot compromise on God's word, but neither should we give up on a relationship simply because we don't approve of what they are doing or how they are living.
The author also shares his thoughts on what to say (or not say) if someone tells you they are gay, as well as his thoughts on how those who are attracted to the same-sex can honour God through celibacy or even, in some cases, heterosexual marriage (not that there is any other kind - I use the adjective here simply to make sure there is no misunderstanding). He also encourages Christians to actively seek to build relationships with those in the LGBT community - a suggestion that unleashes another whole book's worth of questions in my mind, particularly when he talks about mixing with the community in their own setting.
In the end I feel as though I was given plenty of 'what' (show love, hold fast to truth) but not so much 'how'. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations. After all, every person's 'how' will depend on the situation they are in. The author also freely admits that it can be especially difficult when a LGBT person in your life essentially says, "If you don't approve, leave me alone." As a follower of Christ, the truth wins regardless of the cost to your relationship with that person. But he does encourage readers not to give up on that relationship - be patient and persistent, open for reconciliation. And pray.
This is definitely a worthwhile contribution to the ongoing conversation on this topic, and as a testimony of one man's experience, it encourages Christians to walk that difficult line where love and truth intersect. I just couldn't help wishing there was a little more here to help me find where that line lies. There are discussion questions at the end of each chapter which would make this an ideal book for study or reading groups wanting to explore the topic.
I received a copy of this book from Blogging for Books in return for my honest review.
Caleb Kaltenbach has two biological LGBT parents. They divorced when he was two, meaning he lived alternately with his mother and her lesbian partner (Vera), both very political and active in the LGBT community, and his father, who didn't reveal his LGBT status to Caleb until he was out of college.
It should be noted that this book is not a discussion of what the Bible says about homosexuality. There is a chapter in which the author discusses the Bible's teaching on the subject and explains why these passages cannot be reinterpreted as more liberal theologians have tried to do, but the book's focus is much more on the need to demonstrate love, not hate, to those in the LGBT community.
The first half of the book focuses on the 'not hating' part of the equation, including memories from Caleb's childhood of the way Christians behaved towards his mother and her partner. The need to show love, not hate, has never really been in issue with me, and so this part was not really instructive so much as reinforcing what I already knew. It did give me some insight into why relations are often so strained between Christians and the LGBT community.
The latter half of the book turns to what the author describes as the 'tension between grace and truth.' While the author defines this tension as 'love' he also tends to use the words 'love' and 'grace' interchangeably, and I would have liked to have seen this more clearly defined. In the end, it doesn't alter the message he hopes to convey: We cannot compromise on God's word, but neither should we give up on a relationship simply because we don't approve of what they are doing or how they are living.
The author also shares his thoughts on what to say (or not say) if someone tells you they are gay, as well as his thoughts on how those who are attracted to the same-sex can honour God through celibacy or even, in some cases, heterosexual marriage (not that there is any other kind - I use the adjective here simply to make sure there is no misunderstanding). He also encourages Christians to actively seek to build relationships with those in the LGBT community - a suggestion that unleashes another whole book's worth of questions in my mind, particularly when he talks about mixing with the community in their own setting.
In the end I feel as though I was given plenty of 'what' (show love, hold fast to truth) but not so much 'how'. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations. After all, every person's 'how' will depend on the situation they are in. The author also freely admits that it can be especially difficult when a LGBT person in your life essentially says, "If you don't approve, leave me alone." As a follower of Christ, the truth wins regardless of the cost to your relationship with that person. But he does encourage readers not to give up on that relationship - be patient and persistent, open for reconciliation. And pray.
This is definitely a worthwhile contribution to the ongoing conversation on this topic, and as a testimony of one man's experience, it encourages Christians to walk that difficult line where love and truth intersect. I just couldn't help wishing there was a little more here to help me find where that line lies. There are discussion questions at the end of each chapter which would make this an ideal book for study or reading groups wanting to explore the topic.
I received a copy of this book from Blogging for Books in return for my honest review.
December 21, 2015
Caleb Kaltenbach’s story of how he came to faith in Christ while being raised by two lesbian moms and a closet-gay dad is fascinating in its own right. The biblical teaching on homosexuality and the church that he weaves through the telling make this a must-read for 21st century Christians grappling with current cultural norms of sexual identity.
Though Kaltenbach never strays from supporting what the Bible says about homosexuality (he spends an entire chapter reviewing what both the Old and New Testaments say), neither does he minimize the difficulty of living by its culturally unpopular position. The word “messy” probably occurs more than any other adjective in the book. Again and again Kaltenbach reminds us that God's dealings with all us flawed, sinful people is a messy business and a church’s grace-filled response to people within the LGBT community will be no different:
The book is easy to read. Kaltenbach’s tone is one of a fellow traveler who is on the road to the same place as the reader. The narrative and teaching parts are interspersed in such a way as to maintain the story’s pace and keep our interest.
In my opinion, several aspects of Messy Grace make it an important book:
* Kaltenbach’s unique perspective of having grown up in and thus understanding of the LGBT community. His mom and her partner routinely took him to parties, marches, and Gay Pride parades. Both sets of parents were devastated when he “came out” as a Christian—an experience he likens to what LGBT folks experience when they come out to their families.
* Kaltenbach’s exemplary treatment of his parents. Even though he didn’t approve of their lifestyle, he never broke off his relationship with them, but instead loved and supported them through their ups and downs.
* The pastoral perspective Kaltenbach brings to the issue. As a pastor himself, he makes a passionate and compassionate case for the church to welcome, love, and care for members of the LGBT community. In this department he also challenges pastors and church leaders to think through their responses to twenty questions that pose difficult but relevant scenarios: E.g.:
and
and
Messy Grace is moving and timely. Kaltenbach’s insistence on supporting the truth of Scripture while maintaining a loving attitude toward LGBT individuals is an example of how the church can break down walls of denial, isolationism, verbal abuse, hatred, and fear—even though the process is guaranteed to be messy.
I received Messy Grace as a gift from Blogging for Books for the purpose of writing a review.
Though Kaltenbach never strays from supporting what the Bible says about homosexuality (he spends an entire chapter reviewing what both the Old and New Testaments say), neither does he minimize the difficulty of living by its culturally unpopular position. The word “messy” probably occurs more than any other adjective in the book. Again and again Kaltenbach reminds us that God's dealings with all us flawed, sinful people is a messy business and a church’s grace-filled response to people within the LGBT community will be no different:
“Messiness is what happens when you try to live out God’s perfect grace as a flawed person in a flawed world” – Kindle Location 212.
The book is easy to read. Kaltenbach’s tone is one of a fellow traveler who is on the road to the same place as the reader. The narrative and teaching parts are interspersed in such a way as to maintain the story’s pace and keep our interest.
In my opinion, several aspects of Messy Grace make it an important book:
* Kaltenbach’s unique perspective of having grown up in and thus understanding of the LGBT community. His mom and her partner routinely took him to parties, marches, and Gay Pride parades. Both sets of parents were devastated when he “came out” as a Christian—an experience he likens to what LGBT folks experience when they come out to their families.
* Kaltenbach’s exemplary treatment of his parents. Even though he didn’t approve of their lifestyle, he never broke off his relationship with them, but instead loved and supported them through their ups and downs.
* The pastoral perspective Kaltenbach brings to the issue. As a pastor himself, he makes a passionate and compassionate case for the church to welcome, love, and care for members of the LGBT community. In this department he also challenges pastors and church leaders to think through their responses to twenty questions that pose difficult but relevant scenarios: E.g.:
“Would you allow a same-sex couple to attend your church?”
and
“If a man who had a sex change to be a women started attending your church, could that person attend your women’s ministry?”
and
“What is the plan for the student ministry staff and volunteers when a teenager comes out or expresses same-sex attraction?” – Kindle Location 2365-2390.
Messy Grace is moving and timely. Kaltenbach’s insistence on supporting the truth of Scripture while maintaining a loving attitude toward LGBT individuals is an example of how the church can break down walls of denial, isolationism, verbal abuse, hatred, and fear—even though the process is guaranteed to be messy.
I received Messy Grace as a gift from Blogging for Books for the purpose of writing a review.
July 14, 2021
A friend's mother gave this to me as a birthday gift. I decided to read this book out of pure spite, pettiness, and annoyance.
Kaltenbach seems to contradict himself many times. He mentions loving the LGBTQ community, then proceeds to suggest ways to avoid and change homosexuality. The ideologies in this book are homophobic and have a negative effect on LGBTQ individuals, especially queer youth. The book was also pretty boring to read, and I had to take breaks every few chapters when I couldn't stand reading it anymore. Kaltenbach also focuses heavily on Christianity (as expected). There are stories of him pushing his religion onto those who clearly are not interested. Mind you, I'm an ex-christian agnostic. The book starts off as "love thy neighbor" and seems to be okay, but as you progress it gets more and more homophobic. It's basically the whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" fiasco. Starting at chapter 6, everything Kaltenbach had built up about loving the community goes downhill. Sometimes I got the feeling that Kaltenbach forgot that he himself is not LGBTQ, and just grew up with LGBTQ parents.
Let me save you the time and money and summarize what Kaltenbach said.
(spoilers below)
1. Christians should not hate LGBTQ individuals and should show them love, even if they do not support their lifestyle.
2. Having a good relationship with LGBTQ individuals makes it easier to convert them.
3. LGBTQ individuals should be celibate. "I believe celibacy is the right choice for people with same-sex attraction. In fact, it's not only the right choice, but it's a good choice for them, one they can embrace with gratitude" (pg. 135). Celibacy is described as a gift from God.
4. LGBTQ individuals should not engage in homosexual behavior.
5. LGBTQ individuals should "be encouraged to make choices about their sexuality that honor God" (pg. 130).
6. "I'm not in a relationship with a person of my own gender because I realize that would be wrong in God's eyes. And God is more important to me than any selfish desires" (pg. 140).
7. "A loving hetro-sexual marriage could redeem same-sex feelings" (pg. 143).
8. Grace and faith are messy.
While I agree with a select few of Kaltenbach's opinions, most of them are written from a tone-deaf and privileged perspective. This book is not a good read.
Please support your LGBTQIA+ children and teenagers. They are humans just like the rest of us and are just as deserving of love and care. They don't need to be fixed or changed.
To my LGBTQIA+ folks, while a lot of people are homophobic bigots, there are many who support you and love you. Don't feel obligated to abide by Christian rules. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being LGBTQIA+.
Kaltenbach seems to contradict himself many times. He mentions loving the LGBTQ community, then proceeds to suggest ways to avoid and change homosexuality. The ideologies in this book are homophobic and have a negative effect on LGBTQ individuals, especially queer youth. The book was also pretty boring to read, and I had to take breaks every few chapters when I couldn't stand reading it anymore. Kaltenbach also focuses heavily on Christianity (as expected). There are stories of him pushing his religion onto those who clearly are not interested. Mind you, I'm an ex-christian agnostic. The book starts off as "love thy neighbor" and seems to be okay, but as you progress it gets more and more homophobic. It's basically the whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" fiasco. Starting at chapter 6, everything Kaltenbach had built up about loving the community goes downhill. Sometimes I got the feeling that Kaltenbach forgot that he himself is not LGBTQ, and just grew up with LGBTQ parents.
Let me save you the time and money and summarize what Kaltenbach said.
(spoilers below)
1. Christians should not hate LGBTQ individuals and should show them love, even if they do not support their lifestyle.
2. Having a good relationship with LGBTQ individuals makes it easier to convert them.
3. LGBTQ individuals should be celibate. "I believe celibacy is the right choice for people with same-sex attraction. In fact, it's not only the right choice, but it's a good choice for them, one they can embrace with gratitude" (pg. 135). Celibacy is described as a gift from God.
4. LGBTQ individuals should not engage in homosexual behavior.
5. LGBTQ individuals should "be encouraged to make choices about their sexuality that honor God" (pg. 130).
6. "I'm not in a relationship with a person of my own gender because I realize that would be wrong in God's eyes. And God is more important to me than any selfish desires" (pg. 140).
7. "A loving hetro-sexual marriage could redeem same-sex feelings" (pg. 143).
8. Grace and faith are messy.
While I agree with a select few of Kaltenbach's opinions, most of them are written from a tone-deaf and privileged perspective. This book is not a good read.
Please support your LGBTQIA+ children and teenagers. They are humans just like the rest of us and are just as deserving of love and care. They don't need to be fixed or changed.
To my LGBTQIA+ folks, while a lot of people are homophobic bigots, there are many who support you and love you. Don't feel obligated to abide by Christian rules. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being LGBTQIA+.
September 6, 2021
Hmmm... what should I say about this book? This book definitely had me thinking, right up until the very end, about whether I would like it or not. I'm still processing my reaction. Despite this, I'll try to land somewhere and give a review. It might be difficult, though. There is a lot I could pick apart, and all of it is worth picking apart. But I will just focus on what I can remember.
It seems that Caleb very much wanted to land in the dead center between the two sides: those who say homosexuality is a sin, and those who say it should be celebrated. I will grant that his position is not technically dead center between the sides; nevertheless, the way he communicates seems to indicate that being dead center (or "balanced" as a lot of people often put it, and if I recall correctly, he also referenced being "balanced" in the book) is where he wants to be.
Yet the Bible doesn't frame things in that way. What it does say is that there are two ways- not a spectrum of ways, but just two ways. There is the way of life, and the way of death. The way of the wise man, and the way of the fool. The narrow way, and the broad way. There are sheep, and then there are goats.
So can all of us Christians (myself included) please stop acting like "well, one side over here is too extreme, and another side is too lax, so we need to be right in the middle, just right, like Goldilocks"?
Yet this is the tone of entire book. There are "bible thumpers" (yes, he actually uses this demeaning, insulting, and worldly term against an amorphous group of Christians he doesn't like) and then there are people who are too accepting of homosexuality and will accept it as a valid form of "love". Caleb wants to be right in the middle of these two types of people. He wants to be someone who says homosexuality is a sin, but also loves those people. I agree with that, of course! But why the need to create the made-up, unbiblical spectrum on which he wants to place this position? How about just believing the godly, right thing, because Jesus said it? How about just walking in the narrow path of believing whatever Jesus says, instead of the broad path of worldly thinking (which would include both believing that homosexuality is a wonderful thing, and also believing that being moderate in our views is the best way)?
He uses this misguided assumption as a grid which leads to several incorrect, and ultimately harmful, beliefs. The worst of these is right at the end of the book, when he says that same-sex attraction is not a sin, but just a temptation. ...What? This was only asserted, and not defended with arguments. Where does the Bible ever say this? Instead, the Bible says that God made man male and female. If we deny our gender by going against the nature of our gender by being attracted to someone of our sex, we have sinned. How Caleb can say that it's not sinful to lie to God and deny our gender by having attractions that don't belong to our gender, is beyond me.
However, despite this misguided grid of assuming we must be in the moderate middle between two extremes, he does get some things right. Fortunately, he rightly emphasizes that we must not be puffed up, arrogant Pharisees, who are unwilling to associate with certain kinds of sinners, especially if those sinners are repentant. This is something all Christians need to be reminded of frequently. I put myself on the top of this list of people. Thinking humbly of ourselves like this is a way that we keep ourselves in the way of wisdom, the narrow way, the way of the sheep. It means we won't tactlessly just get angry with a person who confesses their struggle against same-sex attraction, and proceeds to pelt Bible verses at them (something that might not happen among Christians as often as the author thinks it does, but I digress). Another aspect of this book which I appreciated, which was one of the most helpful things in it, was the advice he gives for people who have a loved one "come out" to them. I don't recall anything unbiblical about the advice. His suggestion to thank the person for sharing this personal information with them seemed like wise advice which would make the person feel appreciated without affirming their sin- a crucial thing to do in such a delicate moment.
Besides all this, I enjoyed reading his anecdotes about encounters with those who designate themselves as gay, and his life story being raised by two professing lesbians and a professing gay dad. Some of his anecdotes about how Christians callously treated "LGBT" people had me wondering how embellished they were (and even one time he admitted it was a fictional story), but I'm sure sad things like that do happen from time to time. I just wonder how much we exaggerate those things so that we can puff up our chests and show unbelievers how we aren't so hateful and mean and judgy as *THOSE* Christians are. I've been a Christian for almost 20 years, and I have never come across another Christian acting as rudely as all these stories we hear all the time about Christians being rude to those who identify as gay. But again, I'm not saying it never happens.
Here's one last thing before I go. Caleb never comes out and explicitly says that "being gay" is an immutable characteristic that people are born with, but the way he communicates at times makes it sound like he does. Near the end of the book, he says Christians shouldn't call themselves "gay Christians" along with a list of other labels with "Christian" attached to them, but throughout the book he refers to people as "gay" or "lesbian" even after they attend church, and if I remember correctly, even after they say they are Christian and repent of homosexuality and attend church. He also says that being celibate is probably the way to go for most "gay" Christians, because we can't expect them to let go of their attraction to the same sex- another idea I find to be wholly unbiblical and very damaging. I would like to know whether Caleb thinks that sexual orientation is a real, immutable category of being human, and if he does, how he can comport that with Scripture. I would also like to know how on earth he thought he could write this book without addressing this question directly, when this is a big debate going on in the evangelical Christian world at present- and in his old state of Missouri, no less! (The infamous Revoice Conference, which affirms the idea that a Christian can identify as gay, while not acting on it, took place in St. Louis, Missouri, I believe.)
It seems that Caleb very much wanted to land in the dead center between the two sides: those who say homosexuality is a sin, and those who say it should be celebrated. I will grant that his position is not technically dead center between the sides; nevertheless, the way he communicates seems to indicate that being dead center (or "balanced" as a lot of people often put it, and if I recall correctly, he also referenced being "balanced" in the book) is where he wants to be.
Yet the Bible doesn't frame things in that way. What it does say is that there are two ways- not a spectrum of ways, but just two ways. There is the way of life, and the way of death. The way of the wise man, and the way of the fool. The narrow way, and the broad way. There are sheep, and then there are goats.
So can all of us Christians (myself included) please stop acting like "well, one side over here is too extreme, and another side is too lax, so we need to be right in the middle, just right, like Goldilocks"?
Yet this is the tone of entire book. There are "bible thumpers" (yes, he actually uses this demeaning, insulting, and worldly term against an amorphous group of Christians he doesn't like) and then there are people who are too accepting of homosexuality and will accept it as a valid form of "love". Caleb wants to be right in the middle of these two types of people. He wants to be someone who says homosexuality is a sin, but also loves those people. I agree with that, of course! But why the need to create the made-up, unbiblical spectrum on which he wants to place this position? How about just believing the godly, right thing, because Jesus said it? How about just walking in the narrow path of believing whatever Jesus says, instead of the broad path of worldly thinking (which would include both believing that homosexuality is a wonderful thing, and also believing that being moderate in our views is the best way)?
He uses this misguided assumption as a grid which leads to several incorrect, and ultimately harmful, beliefs. The worst of these is right at the end of the book, when he says that same-sex attraction is not a sin, but just a temptation. ...What? This was only asserted, and not defended with arguments. Where does the Bible ever say this? Instead, the Bible says that God made man male and female. If we deny our gender by going against the nature of our gender by being attracted to someone of our sex, we have sinned. How Caleb can say that it's not sinful to lie to God and deny our gender by having attractions that don't belong to our gender, is beyond me.
However, despite this misguided grid of assuming we must be in the moderate middle between two extremes, he does get some things right. Fortunately, he rightly emphasizes that we must not be puffed up, arrogant Pharisees, who are unwilling to associate with certain kinds of sinners, especially if those sinners are repentant. This is something all Christians need to be reminded of frequently. I put myself on the top of this list of people. Thinking humbly of ourselves like this is a way that we keep ourselves in the way of wisdom, the narrow way, the way of the sheep. It means we won't tactlessly just get angry with a person who confesses their struggle against same-sex attraction, and proceeds to pelt Bible verses at them (something that might not happen among Christians as often as the author thinks it does, but I digress). Another aspect of this book which I appreciated, which was one of the most helpful things in it, was the advice he gives for people who have a loved one "come out" to them. I don't recall anything unbiblical about the advice. His suggestion to thank the person for sharing this personal information with them seemed like wise advice which would make the person feel appreciated without affirming their sin- a crucial thing to do in such a delicate moment.
Besides all this, I enjoyed reading his anecdotes about encounters with those who designate themselves as gay, and his life story being raised by two professing lesbians and a professing gay dad. Some of his anecdotes about how Christians callously treated "LGBT" people had me wondering how embellished they were (and even one time he admitted it was a fictional story), but I'm sure sad things like that do happen from time to time. I just wonder how much we exaggerate those things so that we can puff up our chests and show unbelievers how we aren't so hateful and mean and judgy as *THOSE* Christians are. I've been a Christian for almost 20 years, and I have never come across another Christian acting as rudely as all these stories we hear all the time about Christians being rude to those who identify as gay. But again, I'm not saying it never happens.
Here's one last thing before I go. Caleb never comes out and explicitly says that "being gay" is an immutable characteristic that people are born with, but the way he communicates at times makes it sound like he does. Near the end of the book, he says Christians shouldn't call themselves "gay Christians" along with a list of other labels with "Christian" attached to them, but throughout the book he refers to people as "gay" or "lesbian" even after they attend church, and if I remember correctly, even after they say they are Christian and repent of homosexuality and attend church. He also says that being celibate is probably the way to go for most "gay" Christians, because we can't expect them to let go of their attraction to the same sex- another idea I find to be wholly unbiblical and very damaging. I would like to know whether Caleb thinks that sexual orientation is a real, immutable category of being human, and if he does, how he can comport that with Scripture. I would also like to know how on earth he thought he could write this book without addressing this question directly, when this is a big debate going on in the evangelical Christian world at present- and in his old state of Missouri, no less! (The infamous Revoice Conference, which affirms the idea that a Christian can identify as gay, while not acting on it, took place in St. Louis, Missouri, I believe.)
August 9, 2022
The first half of the book definitely feels like nothing new or earth shattering, however, as the book went on, Kaltenbach raised a lot of really good questions and points. I really appreciated that Kaltenbach included discussion questions at the end of each chapter so it opens itself up to group discussion.
September 11, 2023
Messy Grace by Caleb Kaltenbach is an insiders look at a pastor whoA MESSY has developed a deep and growing love for the LGBT community. Pastor Kaltenbach has a unique perspective on this subject, as he grew up with parents who were gay.
After revealing some of the details of his painful story, the author challenges the church to reach out to the LGBT community in practical ways. What really stands out in this book is the balance between truth and grace. Most churches and indeed, most Christians appear to land in one arena or the other. Some professing Christians simply overlook the sin of homosexuality and give such people a pass. Grace covers a multitude of sins. Others, in an effort to be faithful to the Scriptures condemn the sin of homosexuality and alienate the LGBT community in the process. The truth shall set you free.
Kaltenbach argues for a radically different approach. His aim is to see the church demonstrate grace to the LGBT community, but never at the expense of truth. He challenges believers to love these people who struggle deeply with their sexual identity but without compromising biblical morality.
I anticipate this book will stir up a hornets nest in the evangelical world. May Christ-followers learn from Pastor Kaltenbach's godly example. More importantly, may they follow the example of Jesus by reaching out and befriending people in the LBGT community. The recent Supreme Court decision, while disturbing and discouraging actually opened a huge door to Christians. This door will enable followers of Jesus to demonstrate love to people who are created in the image of God; people created with dignity and a purpose. Kaltenbach warns that such a move will prove costly. Such a move will be messy. But messy grace is the result of life-on-life relationships which are prompted by a desire to please our great God and sovereign king. Messy grace is fueled by a deep desire to penetrate the nations with the gospel of Jesus Christ.
After revealing some of the details of his painful story, the author challenges the church to reach out to the LGBT community in practical ways. What really stands out in this book is the balance between truth and grace. Most churches and indeed, most Christians appear to land in one arena or the other. Some professing Christians simply overlook the sin of homosexuality and give such people a pass. Grace covers a multitude of sins. Others, in an effort to be faithful to the Scriptures condemn the sin of homosexuality and alienate the LGBT community in the process. The truth shall set you free.
Kaltenbach argues for a radically different approach. His aim is to see the church demonstrate grace to the LGBT community, but never at the expense of truth. He challenges believers to love these people who struggle deeply with their sexual identity but without compromising biblical morality.
I anticipate this book will stir up a hornets nest in the evangelical world. May Christ-followers learn from Pastor Kaltenbach's godly example. More importantly, may they follow the example of Jesus by reaching out and befriending people in the LBGT community. The recent Supreme Court decision, while disturbing and discouraging actually opened a huge door to Christians. This door will enable followers of Jesus to demonstrate love to people who are created in the image of God; people created with dignity and a purpose. Kaltenbach warns that such a move will prove costly. Such a move will be messy. But messy grace is the result of life-on-life relationships which are prompted by a desire to please our great God and sovereign king. Messy grace is fueled by a deep desire to penetrate the nations with the gospel of Jesus Christ.
February 11, 2020
Meh. I appreciate what this guy says about loving people It would be amazing if people who know Jesus would actually love others as Jesus calls us to love. But for some reason, the topic of homosexuality gets in the way of that love and it is absolutely striking what it does to the person on the receiving end when hurtful words are hurled into the air and they land like blows to the heart.
I don’t agree with the author on some of this book. Something that I get hung up on is the Bible translation that he uses. He uses a 2011 version of the NIV. The words are different than the 1984 version. Something that struck me is how much translations change through the decades... and centuries. So it makes me want to ask - what did the Bible really say thousands of years ago? Why do we keep changing it as the decades go by? Hmmm... makes one pause.
I don’t agree with the guy when he says that gay people wrap up their identity in their sexuality. What if not all gay people do that? I hate being wrapped up in a stereotype, or rather put into a categorical box, when someone doesn’t know me.
Anyway... those are my two cents.
I don’t agree with the author on some of this book. Something that I get hung up on is the Bible translation that he uses. He uses a 2011 version of the NIV. The words are different than the 1984 version. Something that struck me is how much translations change through the decades... and centuries. So it makes me want to ask - what did the Bible really say thousands of years ago? Why do we keep changing it as the decades go by? Hmmm... makes one pause.
I don’t agree with the guy when he says that gay people wrap up their identity in their sexuality. What if not all gay people do that? I hate being wrapped up in a stereotype, or rather put into a categorical box, when someone doesn’t know me.
Anyway... those are my two cents.
November 8, 2020
I was going to give the book a 2, but the last chapter redeemed it a bit for me through the following few arguments:
“It isn’t the church’s job to change someone’s sexual orientation . You and I are not called by God to make gay people straight.”
“Our mission is to help people trade the identity they have created for Christ’s identity. That is true for all of us.”
I would recommend the read, though the first few chapters were particularly hard for me to get through because they assumed a point of view / perspective that didn’t resonate for me and had several anecdotes and statements that I outright found offensive.
Overall the second part of the book I found much more engaging.
“It isn’t the church’s job to change someone’s sexual orientation . You and I are not called by God to make gay people straight.”
“Our mission is to help people trade the identity they have created for Christ’s identity. That is true for all of us.”
I would recommend the read, though the first few chapters were particularly hard for me to get through because they assumed a point of view / perspective that didn’t resonate for me and had several anecdotes and statements that I outright found offensive.
Overall the second part of the book I found much more engaging.
June 30, 2023
While I disagree with Caleb's main stance on sexual intimacy being exclusively for heterosexual couples and the notion that individuals with same-sex attractions must embrace celibacy, I appreciate his call for inclusivity, acceptance, and respect towards LGBTQ people. Caleb's personal background, growing up with a gay father and lesbian mother, provides him with firsthand experience of the challenges faced by LGBTQ individuals within religious communities. He said: “Being gay is so much more that just who they have sex with — it’s about friends, community, a cause,a nd deep feelings. It’s about identity.” I applaud him for that.
One would expect him to have a deeper understanding. However, I find "Messy Grace", in general, to be lacking in empathy and awareness, written from a tone-deaf and privileged perspective.
While it claims to promote love and acceptance for LGBTQ people, the book appears to mask an unchristlike adherence to traditional scripture. Of course, we can accept people without approving of all their life choices but it doesn't mean you have to fix and save them. I would suggest that Caleb also reads "Changing Our Minds" by David Gushee to challenge his biases and expand his perspective, and vice-versa. It seems to me that Caleb is attempting to impose his own views on LGBTQ individuals, which is both absurd and highly insensitive.
Caleb's attempt to camouflage his message is evident in his statement that goes like this: "Of course, we love you LGBTQ people; we accept you. My parents are gay. I know better. Come to the church — this is a safe zone, a place where you can be vulnerable and authentic. However, you must remain celibate, as there is wisdom in celibacy. Alternatively, you can marry someone of the opposite sex because it's possible, and the Lord will be pleased, ensuring your salvation."
This message is not only awful but also deeply damaging.
Despite the negative impact of reading this messy book, I do not regret it. In fact, I am grateful for the encounter. I appreciate books that challenge my beliefs, assumptions, and preconceived notions. It strengthens my perspective on what truly matters and sheds light on the diverse individuals within traditionalist or pseudo-liberal factions of religious communities.
One would expect him to have a deeper understanding. However, I find "Messy Grace", in general, to be lacking in empathy and awareness, written from a tone-deaf and privileged perspective.
While it claims to promote love and acceptance for LGBTQ people, the book appears to mask an unchristlike adherence to traditional scripture. Of course, we can accept people without approving of all their life choices but it doesn't mean you have to fix and save them. I would suggest that Caleb also reads "Changing Our Minds" by David Gushee to challenge his biases and expand his perspective, and vice-versa. It seems to me that Caleb is attempting to impose his own views on LGBTQ individuals, which is both absurd and highly insensitive.
Caleb's attempt to camouflage his message is evident in his statement that goes like this: "Of course, we love you LGBTQ people; we accept you. My parents are gay. I know better. Come to the church — this is a safe zone, a place where you can be vulnerable and authentic. However, you must remain celibate, as there is wisdom in celibacy. Alternatively, you can marry someone of the opposite sex because it's possible, and the Lord will be pleased, ensuring your salvation."
This message is not only awful but also deeply damaging.
Despite the negative impact of reading this messy book, I do not regret it. In fact, I am grateful for the encounter. I appreciate books that challenge my beliefs, assumptions, and preconceived notions. It strengthens my perspective on what truly matters and sheds light on the diverse individuals within traditionalist or pseudo-liberal factions of religious communities.
January 22, 2019
Basically this book is a good conversation starter into the topic. It’s an easy read. Whether you agree with the author or not, this is a book that provokes thought and is filled with scripture. What I appreciated most was that the author started out talking about the tension between grace and truth (which is why I ultimately picked up the book) and continued that theme throughout the book.
September 28, 2023
A quick read, with an interesting personal account--articulated in an every-man amiable tone.
As a memoir, it is compassionate and vulnerable. It's a little thin in theological respects... but tries to make up for this with decent recommended reading.
As a memoir, it is compassionate and vulnerable. It's a little thin in theological respects... but tries to make up for this with decent recommended reading.
July 1, 2025
spoiler alert: we’re commanded to love the LGBTQ community
March 21, 2020
This author has a very unique perspective on this topic having a mom and dad both becoming gay and being a pastor himself. The miracle of him becoming a Christian is amazing in itself despite his upbringing and originally formed view of Christians. He is right down the line in interpreting what the Bible says on the LGBT topic and expresses that very clearly. How you apply that in every day living and church matters was a little fuzzy as I felt like he just raised a lot of questions and left the answer up to the reader to decide how to handle it.
I do believe truth and grace have to be present in dealing with any sinful situation which is difficult because we are not perfect. But I don’t believe it’s impossible; balance is attainable. Certain people take MANY years to win to Christ, yet “Christians” who are wrapped up in this are not to be treated as if nothing is wrong.
I appreciated his story and his zeal for grace and truth, although I may not agree with all of his conclusions.
I do believe truth and grace have to be present in dealing with any sinful situation which is difficult because we are not perfect. But I don’t believe it’s impossible; balance is attainable. Certain people take MANY years to win to Christ, yet “Christians” who are wrapped up in this are not to be treated as if nothing is wrong.
I appreciated his story and his zeal for grace and truth, although I may not agree with all of his conclusions.
July 22, 2022
4.5 stars
August 13, 2018
This was a challenging book for me as a conservative pastor. I appreciate Caleb's story, and I am thankful for his testimony. And it isn't that I have a problem with loving members of the LGBT community without sacrificing conviction. It's that I haven't figured out how to do it yet in a way that they will believe I am actually loving them.
I know all about "hate the sin, love the sinner." Let's not go there, because most of my gay friends have a hard time believing I love them if I call who they are a sin. Sexuality is so wrapped up in identity that they literally cannot hear me say, "I love you, but I don't love what you are doing." Caleb does a better job with this than anyone I've read who takes the Bible at face value (without trying to make the argument that the Bible doesn't really mean what we've translated it to mean when it condemns same sex behavior). In fairness to the author, that is beyond the scope of his book. He is simply telling his story, and its a story conservatives need to hear. But we have to figure out how to engage in compassionate dialogue when we disagree on whether or not something is a sin. For me, it's like trying to have a conversation with someone who is absolutely convinced their gossiping is really just sharing prayer requests, or that their bigotry is really just a desire to preserve their southern heritage. I can love them, I can accept them, I can plead with them to change their minds, but if they don't see as sinful what I believe the Bible calls sinful, we get to the end of our conversation very quickly.
And when we are talking about someone's sexuality, it becomes an attack on a whole different level. Calling out gossiping or bigotry is calling out behavior. Calling out homosexuality, from the perspective of the gay or lesbian, is calling out identity.
The most helpful line in Caleb's book is that "God doesn't call us to make gay people straight. He calls us to help lost people be found by Jesus." Everything else is up to the sanctifying work of Christ. My prayer is that our churches will give all sinners a refuge and a haven for that sanctifying work to be done. And I fear the door won't be open (or even if it is, that members of the LGBT community will never walk through it) if we don't agree on what is sin and what isn't.
I know all about "hate the sin, love the sinner." Let's not go there, because most of my gay friends have a hard time believing I love them if I call who they are a sin. Sexuality is so wrapped up in identity that they literally cannot hear me say, "I love you, but I don't love what you are doing." Caleb does a better job with this than anyone I've read who takes the Bible at face value (without trying to make the argument that the Bible doesn't really mean what we've translated it to mean when it condemns same sex behavior). In fairness to the author, that is beyond the scope of his book. He is simply telling his story, and its a story conservatives need to hear. But we have to figure out how to engage in compassionate dialogue when we disagree on whether or not something is a sin. For me, it's like trying to have a conversation with someone who is absolutely convinced their gossiping is really just sharing prayer requests, or that their bigotry is really just a desire to preserve their southern heritage. I can love them, I can accept them, I can plead with them to change their minds, but if they don't see as sinful what I believe the Bible calls sinful, we get to the end of our conversation very quickly.
And when we are talking about someone's sexuality, it becomes an attack on a whole different level. Calling out gossiping or bigotry is calling out behavior. Calling out homosexuality, from the perspective of the gay or lesbian, is calling out identity.
The most helpful line in Caleb's book is that "God doesn't call us to make gay people straight. He calls us to help lost people be found by Jesus." Everything else is up to the sanctifying work of Christ. My prayer is that our churches will give all sinners a refuge and a haven for that sanctifying work to be done. And I fear the door won't be open (or even if it is, that members of the LGBT community will never walk through it) if we don't agree on what is sin and what isn't.
January 1, 2019
Goodness, where to start? This is not the most captivating use of words you'll ever encounter, but it is a great book nonetheless. It's an important book, about a topic that usually gets ignored because it's "too controversial." I, too, hate conflict, but reading this book was a powerful reminder that when we choose to ignore sexuality, we're not ignoring an issue. We're ignoring real, flesh-and-blood people, people whom Christ loves and for whom He died. And that's not okay.
Fair warning, I agree with the author's (conservative) interpretation of the Bible's view of marriage and sexuality. This certainly isn't a book that's going to make everyone happy, but I'm glad I took the time to read it and reflect on what it had to say. It's challenged my thinking in some areas, while confirming my view in others. And that's more than okay- it's a very good thing. :)
P.S. If you've read this book, you've probably noticed that I didn't use the words "grace" or "truth" even ONCE in the body of my review. I don't disagree with the author's profuse use of those terms, but I thought we could all use a break from reading them. You're welcome. ;)
Fair warning, I agree with the author's (conservative) interpretation of the Bible's view of marriage and sexuality. This certainly isn't a book that's going to make everyone happy, but I'm glad I took the time to read it and reflect on what it had to say. It's challenged my thinking in some areas, while confirming my view in others. And that's more than okay- it's a very good thing. :)
P.S. If you've read this book, you've probably noticed that I didn't use the words "grace" or "truth" even ONCE in the body of my review. I don't disagree with the author's profuse use of those terms, but I thought we could all use a break from reading them. You're welcome. ;)
February 12, 2020
This book is one of the most amazing I have ever read on how to love the people around us that are different with a balance of grace and truth. Kaltenbach gave an amazing insight into what it was like to grow up with gay parents, and how Christian's treated them.
This book really convicted me to be more loving to those around me, even when I don't seem to have much in comman.
This book really convicted me to be more loving to those around me, even when I don't seem to have much in comman.
February 1, 2016
Pretty light on a theological front, but as a book of testimony & what God has done in his life, very strong and encouraging. Challenging in his calling out to love people who are different than ourselves and to love them well as Christ would.
March 18, 2017
Disappointing. More typical love the sinner hate the sin crap. Pass in this one if you believe in humanity and compassion ...
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