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Cottage Test: Escaping an Abusive Relationship: A Memoir
Inspired by the back-to-the-land movement of the 1960s and 1970s, Kat and Adam Kramer and their two young children left a conventional life in Minnesota to experience a simpler way of living, close to nature in the peaceful Northwoods of Wisconsin. They built a five-hundred-square-foot one-room house with limited plumbing, grew most of their food, raised chickens and rabbits, and learned to forage and prepare wild edible plants.
Living in beautiful but isolated surroundings, Kat finds that the lack of a social life and Adam's growing moodiness are becoming almost unbearable. She recognizes that she must seek fulfilment and recognition of her value outside her home. When she begins working for the county extension office to share her cooking skills and to write recipes for Native Americans on the reservation, Adam's moodiness turns to emotional and then to physical abuse.
Kat, nevertheless, still loves her husband and doesn't want to end their marriage. When Adam threatens suicide, she seeks professional guidance and is advised that before Adam kills himself, he is likely to kill her and her children. But Kat refuses to believe that Adam will seriously harm them.
Living in beautiful but isolated surroundings, Kat finds that the lack of a social life and Adam's growing moodiness are becoming almost unbearable. She recognizes that she must seek fulfilment and recognition of her value outside her home. When she begins working for the county extension office to share her cooking skills and to write recipes for Native Americans on the reservation, Adam's moodiness turns to emotional and then to physical abuse.
Kat, nevertheless, still loves her husband and doesn't want to end their marriage. When Adam threatens suicide, she seeks professional guidance and is advised that before Adam kills himself, he is likely to kill her and her children. But Kat refuses to believe that Adam will seriously harm them.
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Published July 2, 2026
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
March 13, 2026
The author must be a good writer because she evoked emotions from me with every page. The process of writing this memoir was, I'm guessing, cathartic for Ms. Filbey but for me, it was an emotional roller coaster. I found myself frustrated and angry. Sometimes my heart was sad; other times, I was actually depressed. And I will admit that I sometimes found myself exasperated at Kat for forgiving Adam yet again.
My roller coaster ride didn't include many happy moments because, at 70 years of age, I've witnessed and heard this same story hundreds of times. I knew that Kat's few professional victories would be short-lived; that Adam would quickly find a way to neutralize her successes and make her second-guess herself. Adam was definitely a dick but, unfortunately, he's not a unicorn
This book should be required reading for all women. As someone who doesn't actually favor more government regulation, I don't literally mean that. But, boy oh boy, do I wish that every young woman would read this book from cover to cover. If you've never been married, you have no idea; but a read of this memoir should serve as a cautionary tale to starry-eyed young women.
My criticism is that the book wrapped up too quickly. After reading through 18 years of Adam's sabotages, tantrums and meltdowns, I want to know whether there was a happy ending. After reading an entire book of painful stories and vignettes, one after the other, the reader deserves to know, in a general way, that Kat, Kayla and Cole had good lives post-divorce; we need something sweet for dessert. All we know is that the divorce was finalized and Kat got custody of the kids and the three of them moved to New Mexico. Then what? I don't know. I wish the author would have given us a peek into how things worked out each of them. After all, it's been 40 years. An epilogue is both needed and deserved.
My roller coaster ride didn't include many happy moments because, at 70 years of age, I've witnessed and heard this same story hundreds of times. I knew that Kat's few professional victories would be short-lived; that Adam would quickly find a way to neutralize her successes and make her second-guess herself. Adam was definitely a dick but, unfortunately, he's not a unicorn
This book should be required reading for all women. As someone who doesn't actually favor more government regulation, I don't literally mean that. But, boy oh boy, do I wish that every young woman would read this book from cover to cover. If you've never been married, you have no idea; but a read of this memoir should serve as a cautionary tale to starry-eyed young women.
My criticism is that the book wrapped up too quickly. After reading through 18 years of Adam's sabotages, tantrums and meltdowns, I want to know whether there was a happy ending. After reading an entire book of painful stories and vignettes, one after the other, the reader deserves to know, in a general way, that Kat, Kayla and Cole had good lives post-divorce; we need something sweet for dessert. All we know is that the divorce was finalized and Kat got custody of the kids and the three of them moved to New Mexico. Then what? I don't know. I wish the author would have given us a peek into how things worked out each of them. After all, it's been 40 years. An epilogue is both needed and deserved.
April 19, 2026
Cruel Albatross Husband
The Cottage Test is Kathryn Filbey’s memoir about her marriage to Adam, a man presumably suffering from numerous mental health issues. I say presumably because this not a book featuring a man who, even with the tremendous support of his wife to call upon, is eager to seek professional help for his anxiety, depression and social defiance-like disorders. Rather, it’s a book which showcases the ways in a which he makes the life of his wife and children difficult. Making life difficult for them is, perhaps, his method of self-medicating.
By several methods, Adam abuses Katheryn and their two young children. The worst example of his abuse is probably the time he physically throws Katheryn out of the house and locks all the doors so she can’t get back inside. Katheryn, wearing only a t-shirt and without shoes, is forced to scream and cry in agony as she tries to avoid freezing to death. It’s winter. There’s snow everywhere. She’s not wearing shoes. She is finally saved by their two small children, forced to watch their piece of poop father nearly kill their mother.
Notwithstanding her marriage Adam, Katheryn ultimately excels both in her career providing nutritional and other counseling to impoverished families but also in politics, an arena she also enters to help improve the lives of others in the local community.
This memoir is very well-written. Of course, one wishes Katheryn would have left Adam the first time his behavior became evil and/or criminal, but that’s not this memoir’s story.
The Cottage Test is Kathryn Filbey’s memoir about her marriage to Adam, a man presumably suffering from numerous mental health issues. I say presumably because this not a book featuring a man who, even with the tremendous support of his wife to call upon, is eager to seek professional help for his anxiety, depression and social defiance-like disorders. Rather, it’s a book which showcases the ways in a which he makes the life of his wife and children difficult. Making life difficult for them is, perhaps, his method of self-medicating.
By several methods, Adam abuses Katheryn and their two young children. The worst example of his abuse is probably the time he physically throws Katheryn out of the house and locks all the doors so she can’t get back inside. Katheryn, wearing only a t-shirt and without shoes, is forced to scream and cry in agony as she tries to avoid freezing to death. It’s winter. There’s snow everywhere. She’s not wearing shoes. She is finally saved by their two small children, forced to watch their piece of poop father nearly kill their mother.
Notwithstanding her marriage Adam, Katheryn ultimately excels both in her career providing nutritional and other counseling to impoverished families but also in politics, an arena she also enters to help improve the lives of others in the local community.
This memoir is very well-written. Of course, one wishes Katheryn would have left Adam the first time his behavior became evil and/or criminal, but that’s not this memoir’s story.
March 29, 2026
When I finished the final chapter of this unsettling memoir, I was glad it was over—not because I didn’t find it engaging. Rather it is Kathryn Filbey’s descriptive detail of the destructive dynamic between she and her husband that made it all the more intense. There were so many moments where I wondered: why doesn’t she just walk away? But, of course, it’s never that simple. Straightforward and simply written, Filbey’s skill is in the detail. She immerses her reader in the minutiae of her life: from motherhood to building a career as a home-economist and creating an idyllic existence surrounded by nature and tranquility with her husband in remote North Wisconsin woodland. As the years unfold, Filbey’s yearning for change becomes more pressing. No longer content with being so isolated, she longs for life elsewhere; for social contact; for light; for warmth and fun. The more she craves change and to spread her wings, the more her husband wants to clip them. If you enjoy deep, immersive memoirs, ‘Cottage Test’ is a satisfying, if not sometimes harrowing read.
May 1, 2026
A realistic journey into the life of an abusive marriage demonstrates how even well-educated people can fall into the trap of abuse. They are led my emotions instead of logic. The isolation of their rural home contributed to Adam's mental decline into absolute control over Kat. I found that mental health issues skyrocketed during the isolation of Covid, giving validation to the story. A gripping book worth the read.
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews