Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up

by Vanessa Lapointe

A child psychologist equips parents with tools to manage behavioral issues more effectively while supporting their child’s healthy, natural development.


When your child is threatening a meltdown in the grocery aisle, is it really possible to keep your cool, correct the behavior, and reinforce healthy development, all at the same time? In this easy-to-read, science-based book, parents, caregivers, and big people of all kinds will discover how discipline affects children’s development, why intervention should reinforce connection not separation, and why the disciplinary strategies that may have been used on us as children are not the ones that children really need.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Childrens, Education

256 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2016

Reviews

[Wren · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not well written. In places, it is exceptionally irritating and even embarrassing to read. For example, there is a very long section (most of chapter four) where the author seems to think that she is talking about something other than her slightly creepy schoolgirl crush on the guy who runs her gym, but she isn't. It's so awkward.

Quite a lot of the book is taken up with convoluted analogies that do not succeed in clarifying or explaining anything. It reads as if the author was trying to stretch out the material, but then she glosses over things that should really have been explained in greater detail.

I'm taking off one star for terrible writing, but the ideas get five. This book is about raising up kids who are able to make good choices because they feel safe and loved, rather than scaring them straight or spoiling them rotten. I hope I will be able to put this in to practice as Monster grows up.

[Penny Waring · Rating 2 out of 5]

The basic premise of the book is that if you parent by connecting with your kids rather than making them afraid of arbitrary consequences, that you will raise a secure child who will intrinsically do what is right. This part is positive, but I have a few problems with the book itself. Firstly, I thought some parts could have been a lot shorter. Secondly, I found some of the explanations to be a little condescending and shame-inducing, despite the author stating her intention to not induce guilt in readers. Thirdly, I had trouble with some of the examples the author gave for the strategies. Some of them seemed to contradict the theories put forward and others did not address some key concerns one would want to address with some of the more negative behaviours kids display, instead opting for sympathetic acknowledgement of feelings and at times finding ways to let the child off the hook without seeming like you have lost your swagger as the adult in charge. It was disappointing to read the book, because the author is by all accounts a well respected professional in the field and a great speaker. I think the overall idea behind the book is nice but the book itself was hard to read.

[Klancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars- I really enjoyed this, especially the chapter on "Hulking It Up." My favorite quote from the book, "The results may not be visible immediately, and this could not be more true than for the exceptional child, but the results will be visible eventually. The focus must always be on the greater purpose of growing up the child in the best possible way rather than on finding him behaving well right now. The goal is optimal development, not good behavior, for with optimal development, good behavior will come. But good behavior will forever be elusive with stunted development."

[Helena]

I may just not be in a good place for this book right now--I found the first part, what I got through anyway, so guilt-inducing that I had to just stop. I was looking for advice on more positive discipline tips (a la Dr. Markham) but this wasn't working for me.

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

My only bone to pick is personal. I would have loved an adapted kids section for us parenting kids with special needs. My youngest has autism and still has meltdowns in school and public. The rest of the book was eloquent and made me feel better as a mom.

[Marlee · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. The ideas presented are solid, but the writing leaves something to be desired. Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids (by Dr. Laura Markham) is much better read.

[Eric · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are some good ideas in this book, but many of her theories fall flat. The author presents unsupported claims and straw man arguments throughout the book, so while the practical suggestions can seem worth giving a try, I don't see any actual evidence-based backing.

One main point the author presents is her concept of "hulking up" to convey authority to a child. Let's first take issue with this phrase itself. Doesn't the comic book character become the Hulk when he loses control of his anger? The author is not arguing to allow your anger to direct your parenting, or to lose control over yourself, so this seems like entirely the wrong analogy. Not to mention it is almost certainly a copyright infringement. How did her editors let her get away with this?

Apart from the problematic concept of the Hulk by itself, the author wants parents to "hulk it up" with "swagger," whatever that is supposed to mean. We are supposed to exude confidence as parents. We have all seen confident people and people who have this natural respectability and authority with children. If we were that type of person, we wouldn't be reading this book. But I don't think the author understands that *we can't just will ourselves to become more confident.* Confidence doesn't work that way.

The book isn't all bad. The emphasis on developing a trusting relationship with the child is, if not practical, at least encouraging. Early in the book she presents the idea that children don't know how to calm themselves down - those neural pathways haven't developed strongly yet. So having a parent guide them through that over and over helps those pathways develop until they are able to do it by themselves. I wish there had been more on this point.

Overall, I didn't come away with many practical parenting tips to transform me as a parent. Ah well, on to the next parenting book...

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have lots to say about this book. First of all I feel like I have read all of the ideas presented here elsewhere. I personally found this book to not be helpful. I agree that I am the authority on my child but I found the author’s unwillingness to give any suggestions or ideas or phrasing to be wildly unhelpful. Most of the book says you’re the parent you know what to do. What if we don’t? What if it isn’t working and we need new ideas? I also found her hulk analogy lacking. The hulk as a character is highly angry and violent, not someone I want to emulate. I also feel like positioning myself as the all knowing unfailing parent isn’t helping my child. I don’t want my child to feel insecure in our home but I am not the expert on everything nor should I be. I didn’t love her suggestion to not explain our logic to our children. Yes there are times when you’ve already explained and maybe need to state a simple no and hold a child, but I found again her logic to be flawed. I wanted to find some practical advice and it felt like there was not much. I also found her advice for parents to be unsympathetic, just do it rather than actually helpful in a moment of stress that is being a parent. I think the author tries to help but I do not feel that this book was a great example. On a nitpicky note, I found parts to be highly repetitive even though the book is fairly short and the fact that she uses her conclusion in a way to talk back to negative comments received about her advice on blogs felt not helpful.

[Tiffany Rounds · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had to put it away. I tried so hard to stick with it, but I couldn't. I found the book to be horribly written and awkward. I did not feel inspired, but to the contrary, I felt miserable.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.0

[Heike Lettrari · Rating 4 out of 5]

So I picked up this book because my partner and I are thinking of having a kid(s), and I spent the last 9 years or so (most of my 20s) thinking that I wouldn't have them (for a few different reasons I won't get into here), so at some point in the past few months I realized, wow, I know nothing. So, now that having my own kid(s) is becoming more of a possibility, I recognized that I needed to do some homework to wrap my mind around the idea of what it means to help grow up a small person, whenever that may come to my life (though, with nieces and a nephew already, arguably, that time is already happening, even without my own kids!).

Part of my choice for picking up this book had to do with overcoming some of my fears about becoming a mother and "how do I parent effectively?" and, "Surely there's a better way to discipline a child than to give it a spanking and/or otherwise instil fear?"

I'm glad to say that "Discipline without Damage" really met my expectations for "There's got to be something better out there!" Arguing for connection and attachment, compassion and deep empathy for connecting with children, while also providing boundaries and a safe space for them to grow into independent little kiddies really resonated with me. The book also differentiates between conformity (behaviours "looking" a certain way because of a threat or reprisal or consequence) and meaningfully addressing your child's behaviour with responsive connection.

Parenting well also, felt, very, daunting to do right, but then, I don't yet have a child to put some of these things to practice yet, but it was a comfort to balance some of the descriptions, techniques, and methods of the book with a general sense of "you will do your best and that will be enough, whether you get it right or not." The book made it be very possible to envision being a "good enough" parent. So, very much a thank you for that! I will be coming back to this book for sure in the months and years to come.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm sorry to say that it took this book to help me realize that I didn't have to always be the guideline enforcer for my kids. This book is filled with suggestions and answers on, what I consider, best parenting practices full of love and understanding, putting the kid first before the judgmental eyes of society, and really being the person your kids (and, it turned out, also myself) need you to be. It's completely changed the way I interact with my family and even friends and strangers. So glad I came across this.

[Laura Dempsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

The concepts in this book are good with the focus and basis of discipline coming from a place of connection first, however I was not a fan of the authors writing style and felt that there was an undertone of judgment in her writing.

[Barrette Plett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is accessible, science-based, and offers clear, practical advice on how to better support challenging kids and the developmental reasons why traditional approaches are ineffective and damaging.

[Josh · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disappointingly shallow coming from such a respected expert in the field, and often a pretty frustrating read. The central thesis is "forming a legit bond with your kid is much healthier than any traditional discipline, so be the bigger person even when others might judge you". Of course that's not a bad starting point, and some of the underlying psychology described (though underexplained) makes sense. But...

1) It's a bait-and-switch from the title. There is no element in this book that describes how to practically "get your kids to behave"; instead, it says "actually, them misbehaving is part of growing up so just handle it better"! I'm buying your book based on it's promise, and your solution to the problem presented is more of a "gotcha! This is actually how I define discipline and it includes nothing you know as discipline, and it's more of a long-term strategy anyways", that's an entirely different book than the title's promise.

2) It narrowly and naively defines "misbehavior" as "acting out in a bad-mood type of way", even going as far to say "I have never known a kid who actually likes misbehaving". It seems extremely disingenuous that a parent of multiple kids (not to mention a field expert) thinks that's true, as any parent with a kid that happily does something naughty to get attention or because they just think it's fun/funny can attest. By narrowing the scope of "misbehavior" and not even addressing this entirely separate sphere (which frankly is the side I deal with more as a parent), Lapointe completely loses credibility and reader goodwill the more that gap becomes clear.

3) It's just.. not especially well-written. Large swaths of this already-light read are just repeating the same truisms in slightly different ways, or sometimes literally just repeating itself verbatim. It often reads like a school report by someone obligated to complete an assignment and not actually an expert trying to convey valuable info to parents in need. The anecdotes are simplistic and/or silly, the author's parental perspective is trite and rarely "human", and there's exactly 1 chapter that reads like practical advice to help in-the-moment (and once again, it's only geared towards "meltdown in the grocery store" type of misbehavior). The only authentic real-life perspective that comes across convincing is the repeated emphasis of "don't listen to other parents' judgment in public places", which is so often hammered that it comes across as the author being childishly defensive and oversimplifying why else a parent might need bad behavior to stop sooner.

And all that's not even to touch on the overriding weight of guilt she piles on parents, decrying any sort of discipline (including timeouts) as genuine psychological trauma and repeatedly urging parents NEVER to show any emotional/physical weakness whatsoever (including, god forbid, your child ever know that you're in THERAPY!!!) I'm not an expert in this field, as evidenced by the fact that I even picked up this book in the first place, but the whole read is thin and feels insincere. If I don't trust that you're giving me the full picture of YOUR experience or generally of disciplinary-situations, you lose me to trusting the rest of your perspective-- especially when it's written like a 10th grader's book report.

Once again, I wholeheartedly agree with the emphasis on relationship-based parenting and steering away from traditional discipline where possible, and on some level this did help put my behavior towards my kid in perspective so that I can focus on areas that I need to improve. But there's very little genuine insight or tactics to learn from a book that can't be gleaned from a mommy blog post or even this review, so do yourself a favor and skip this amateurish, dishonest mess of a full-length book.

[David Gerritsen · Rating 4 out of 5]

During the first chapters of this book I was sure I would write a negative review. And I will. But stick around. There's a reason I gave it 4 stars.

I was deeply skeptical as the author went on at length about the unassailable science of contemporary developmental psychology. Anyone who has practiced behavioral science knows, and should be honest about, the problems with making such strong claims about human studies. We simply do not know as much as the author claims we do. The fact that modern psych has access to neuroimaging or whatever doesn't mean we can make stronger claims. It just means we have more correlations to consider. And the author knows this, because when she doesn't have evidence-based suggestions to make, she waves her hands, uses straw-men, and tells the reader to parent by instinct, to "hulk up," and "be big."

My other complaint is not very important, but I was annoyed at the number of euphemisms the author uses. For example, we aren't raising children, we're "growing" them for some reason. Worse, kids don't have disabilities, rather they are "exceptional." There are a lot of language turns like this. As a father of a child with special needs, please, just give it to me straight. I understand not wanting to use labels. I can get behind that idea! If a writer describes a child's strengths and challenges then we're good. Great, even, because it's a more inclusive way to write. And hey, this author does that. So I can't help but wonder why that isn't enough, and we need to use a label at all. Synthetically positive relabeling doesn't do anything to improve awareness of neurodivergence. If anything it just reinforces people's reluctance to discuss it openly. So with all due respect, just knock it off.

Now, with all of that said, I really got a lot out of this book. I didn't need to be convinced to try the strategies, because on their face they were completely compelling. The author sounds like an awesome mom and an competent practicing psychologist, and her techniques are really good. This is the first truly coherent, practical take on positive parenting I've found. And believe me, I've been looking. I didn't want to use time-out, manipulation, or emotional banishment. But none of the other material I've read or listened to has given any substantial alternatives to those common methods of discipline. This book does. And to its credit, there are no promises for easy outcomes. If anything, the only outcome it's concerned with is the long-term development of the family. Her major claim is that if you connect with your child as much as possible, let go of controlling their behavior now, and be resilient and supportive during their difficult moments, you'll end up "growing" a healthy person. You don't have to scold them or shame them or turn them into little grown-ups. You just have to have compassion for them, keep them from hurting themselves or others, and try not to escalate their dysregrulation. There will be time later to come back to their sins when they are rested and ready to learn. And you'll do a better job of it if you're calm, too.

So in conclusion, the book is annoying as hell. I loved it. I am going to apologetically recommend it to every parent I know who is having trouble managing their kids. Which is all of the parents I know.

[David Maywald · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book title and the fancy marketing blurbs/material carry a promise of transformational change towards parenting. But the substance of the writing, it’s presentation, and lack of evidence are undermining of the core premise… The critical reviews of this book are very telling: poorly written and poorly edited; absence of supporting material/empirical evidence/research; excessive reliance on ad hoc narratives; unrealistic strawmen arguments.

“When I talk with parents about the potential sources of their child’s upset, I often steer the conversation around to discipline. At this point, many go on to list all the traditional approaches to discipline – such as time-outs, consequences, removal of privileges, reward programs, and targeted praise – they have been using to attempt to control their children. These attempts have not worked and never will. In fact, these approaches seem to cause an escalation in the behavioral challenges of the children being disciplined.”

The two extremes described by Lapointe might be characterised as connection (between child and parent) contrasted with disregulation (states where the child has little self control and is overwhelmed by their circumstances). She argues for parents retaining composure, light-handed discipline, and playing a longer game (seeking development and growth, rather than short-term enforcement of consequences).

“More subtle, although still extremely impactful, is the emotional neglect experienced by children whose big people might be unavailable to them too frequently and too intensely due to mental health and addiction issues or to the significant demands of an overwhelming professional life.”

Lapointe emphasises the reduction in emotional harm to children (with a personal vested interest as a practicing psychologist). And she correctly diagnoses that the harsh application of discipline approaches does result in unnecessary emotional harm.

“It is time to change all of this. It is time that we substantially shift how we view children. They are not evil or broken or in need of restructuring. They just need to grow – in the best possible way. It is time that we significantly change how we view our roles as big people. We do not exist to force our role-based power onto our children to reform, fix, and change them. We exist to champion and grow them as nature intended.”

I certainly read this book with an open, enquiring, and curious mind. There is some insight that draws from Emotional Intelligence, and from children’s development. However, many parents choose to apply clearer and harsher boundaries for their own children. I believe that prominently featuring the word “discipline” in the book’s title is misleading. This is one of many books on children, families, and parenting that have shaped my thinking. But it’s not at the top of my recommendations.

[Mayari · Rating 4 out of 5]

My Thoughts:
This book gave me a lot to think about as a parent. Some chapters were a bit repetitive or slow, but the core message is powerful: discipline isn’t about control—it’s about connection. That really stuck with me.

It affirmed what I already value in parenting: leading with empathy, regulating myself first, and building emotional safety for Elara. I appreciated the parts on co-regulation, seeing misbehavior as communication, and offering repair instead of punishment. The “be the big person” mindset helped reframe hard moments—I’m not her friend or her boss, I’m her safe, steady guide.

At times I found the language a little too soft or clinical, and I did crave more real-life examples and energy. But the book still grounded me in the why behind conscious parenting, even when the how felt slower to unfold.

What I’m Taking Forward:
• Stay close in the hard moments; connection is the real discipline.
• Don’t fear dependence—it’s the path to healthy independence.
• My calm is her anchor.
• It’s okay to mess up. Repair is everything.

Noted Gaps:
• Sleepovers: I appreciate her caution, and while I won’t say “never,” I’m leaning toward a safe when ready model, with clear boundaries.
• The book lacked some practical troubleshooting—good ideas, but not always the quickest to apply in messy moments.

Would I recommend it?
Yes—for anyone wanting to discipline without damage, obviously, but more so for parents who want permission to trust their instincts over pop-culture parenting. Not a quick-fix guide, but a values reset

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a fairly decent book with some good ideas. None of it is groundbreaking and there is a distinct lack of research or evidence to back up the author's claims. This means that it reads like an opinion piece but it's a professional opinion so worth spending some time on.

I found that a lot of the content I already was aware of but where this book added value for me was in comparing the mother I thought I would be (a la this book) against the mother I often become... This book brought me back down to ground level and helped to remind me of the priority that my children should be taking and why they need me. It's a good read to help you reset or readjust your priorities of the work/life/play balance and to remind yourself of how big emotions can be for children.

The issues I have are with the writing style, which many others have commented on. I found this book way too long and repetitive. Considering there is minimal scientific research to back up the author's ideas, these chapters and the explanations drag. Also, the language was difficult for me. I just cannot cope with being referred to as one of the "big people" who are "growing up" "little people". It contributed to an overall patronising tone to the book which I could ignore in some areas but was obvious in others. "Adults raising children" would be my preferred description in a book aimed at an adult audience and providing advice on childrearing techniques.

[Rosa Ivars · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found Discipline Without Damage to be an insightful and thought-provoking read. The author’s approach to supporting children through meltdowns is both practical and effective when put into practice. I especially appreciated the scientific and psychological information included, which gave helpful context and supported the techniques being shared.

That said, I found myself waiting for the moment when the book would explain how to actually discipline children. I was disheartened to realize that it never really did. While the strategies for responding with compassion to big emotions are useful, I was left wondering how the approach applies when children are testing boundaries or engaging in poor behaviour without big emotions as a contributing factor. The book seems to suggest that compassion alone will drive children toward better choices, but I’m not fully convinced that this is enough in every situation.

Children naturally push limits as part of their development, and I had hoped for more guidance on how to set and enforce those limits effectively. For this reason, I feel the book’s title may be a little misleading—there is no actual discipline method provided, at least not in the traditional sense most parents might expect.

Overall, the book offers a valuable perspective on growing-up children who are secure and can regulate their emotions effectively, but it may leave readers wanting more practical tools for addressing boundary-testing behaviour

[Amber Faulkner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this, there were some really interesting parts. The section about allowing children to be dependent on a parent for however long they need is validating for someone who was a parentified child.

The writer explains how her child would get easily overwhelmed and tired from attending kindergarten and one of the ways she helped lessen his stress was by carrying his bag for him, tying his shoes, etc.

Instead of pushing him to be independent and do all those things himself, which essentially added to his stress. She explains that by doing this she allowed him the space to have less responsibility and just be a child.

This in turn led to him still becoming independent but having joy in being independent now that he is older. She goes on to say that children who are not given this space and support end up becoming adults who struggle with daily tasks and become easily overwhelmed and despondent by them.

This quote here particularly hit home for me:

'In the Big Person-Child relationship, there is not, cannot be and should not ever be any shifting in this dynamic. The adult is the provider and the child is the seeker. Period.'

I found this to be a really thoughtfully written book and free from judgement.

[B Cavender · Rating 2 out of 5]

Longer than needs to be, including rambling, incoherent filler to justify making this a book. For how long it is and the authors credits, I expected more evidence-based argument but there is no description of research results supporting the author's arguments. She relies on childhood psychological theory and development framework (which is supported by evidence) and then trails off into her own interpretation on how you should discipline. The tools and use cases provided are not very clear on how to implement them in the broad murkiness of actual parenthood. After reading this book, I now understand why gentle parenting is faltering - it's too hard to implement without professional (psych) help.

The only reason I'm giving 2 stars instead of 1 is because the book gave me some good concepts to think about for my own parenting. I resonated with the pieces about connection being important and at the forefront of all discipline. In short, she's saying don't make your child feel like you will abandon them during hard times.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really excellent method to get your children to behave without ruining them. A lot of what she writes in the book is exactly the way I feel about discipline that you cannot separate the child from the most important person in his/her life, you, and expect them to behave. They want to please you and it is our job to understand what is going on in their brains so we can help them be their best selves. We do this by seeing what they do, then understanding why, then reacting in a way that will help them get over the hurt or anger. I love this method and though I didn't always discipline this way I can see the efficacy of it. I wish I knew all this in my child-rearing years. This is a very centered way to help children grow up into the wonderful adults we want them to be

[Claudia Magana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read other books that talk about being in the moment with our children. Have awareness of the feelings and past trauma that our children’s behaviour can bring up to the surface for us as a parent. But no practical way to actually help be that together mindful parent.

Before this book I thought I was in tuned to my child thinking but I have a lot to learn or unlearn as the case maybe. While there are challenging concepts in this book I found it extremely helpful and if you are like me. Trying to see your own flaws to be better than what you had growing up. I recommend you read this book. It takes a lot of patients to raise kids and good luck to anyone who feels the internal struggles to do better.

[Kahri · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was ok and I get where a lot of the information was coming from, but the author honestly came across as an entitled brat in some of her examples. These two just rubbed me the wrong way so much it really turned me off the book. I’d never react and act the way she did in her example with the medical receptionist. That’s rude and petty and adults should do better. I’d never react the way she did in her example when her husband asked for help with his project. You shouldn’t need to be coddled and praised as an adult in order to help out your partner. It just made me feel really ‘ick’ reading those two parts.

[Andrea Luhman]

Some nice principles if you have small children. Not helpful for tweens/or teens. Not a lot of situational guidance or where to start if you need to establish a relationship. She talks the negatives of helicopter parents but doesn’t out right discuss the disregulation of parents co-sleeping with toddlers +. Don’t expect data to back up anything she addresses. The author sounds extremely defensive of her advice when in the final chapter she tells converts to her methods to expect the loss of close friends and family members, which seems really strange for a “relationship” based method.

[Giselle Lopes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is the perfect top up to Dr.Gordon Neufeld. It is difficult to switch to a new modus operandi when all you have is what you have experienced and what sometimes seem to work for others! I read Dr Gordon’s book but I still saw myself going back to “don’t do it or …” as the last resort when all else failed to bring my children from their “moments”.
It still doesn’t tell “do this when” but it sets some directions. I needed this. I really did.

If you feel that behaviour charts, time-outs and this sort of thing is not where you want to park your parenting, this book will help.

[Victor Dumas · Rating 3 out of 5]

It has some interesting ideas. Most notably, it reinforces how much your little ones rely on you and encourages you to "hulk up" for them. I like the connection-focused (relationship-focused) theme, but I felt "How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen" to be a more practical guide to that. A major point I liked is to judge the results of discipline based on how the adult behaves, rather than the child. If the child is not able to respond how you want, think about how well you remained calm and how you could improve your strategy in the future

[Holly Anderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

The ideas within this book are good.
I did however find that the author doesn’t seem to empathise with parents as much as she could; she can come across as though she’s just telling all parents to work harder despite the pressures of society/life nowadays. It is our job as parents to raise good, happy, healthy kids - we know this - and we are trying hard - why do you think we are reading/listening to this book?!

[Cherisse · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really appreciate the sentiment and science in this book. I've recommended it many times just based on the knowledge I received in early chapters regarding connection-based parenting and discipline. At times it's hard to read; run on sentences and content stretched. Really dislike the "hulk it up" metaphor referring to Big People exuding confidence. The writing could be better but the content is crucial to growing up healthy little people.