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152 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 19, 1986
Remembering saddens me still, even years later. How many exactly, I don’t know anymore.Ten or maybe thirteen. And why do I always live only in memory? Soul heavy from too much knowing, body tired from feeling pensive and powerless at the same time, so riven by this obsessive ennui that nothing, or almost nothing, can distract it anymore. Back then, if I recall correctly, I used to describe the world as a theater where processions of corpses danced in a macabre ball of drives and desires. My contempt and ennui did not, however, keep me from observing how this dance dissolved into an amorous waltz. Languid nights at the whim of syncopated rhythms and fleeting pulses; the road to hell was lit with pale lanterns; the bottom of the abyss drew closer indefinitely; I moved through the smooth insides of a whirlwind and gazed at deformed images of ecstatic bodies in the slow, hoarse death rattle of tortured flesh.Sphinx is a novel featuring Oulipo-esque constraint.
the strange sensation of always feeling as if i were at the dreadful edge of some imminent break... this sentiment is the very foundation of all that is intractable in me: a sort of inebriation, bitter from drawn-out solitude, the inevitable tendency toward a final disenchantment with all idylls. and i can't explain why, or how. i've never expected much from those i love. i would have given all, conceded all, pardoned all the wandering of anyone who accorded me the space and time for my discreet tenderness. so much did i fear smothering those i cherished that i never made a fuss, which was doubtless the reason for my repeated falls and defeats. i carry my silence - this constant withdrawal into a suffering that i thought of perhaps mistakenly as immoderate and obscene - as a cross that has never promised any redemption, a calvary without deliverance, an involuntary sacrifice made in vain.