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When Parents Part: How Mothers and Fathers Can Help Their Children Deal with Separation and Divorce
From the acclaimed, best-selling author of Your Baby & Child and one of the world’s leading experts on child development and parenting, a practical, comprehensively researched guide to doing the best for your child during and after separation or divorce.
Recent research clarifies why parents—fathers as much as mothers—are so crucial to children of all ages and how their separation can turn children’s lives upside down. Drawing on the latest scientific findings, as well as on her many years of professional and personal work with children, Penelope Leach describes how parents can minimize the impact of separation and divorce on children through the six stages of a child’s life, from infancy to adulthood. She helps parents find ways to continue being fathers and mothers when they are no longer husbands and wives. She explains recent studies that overturn numerous common assumptions, revealing, for example, that many standard custody arrangements can undermine young children’s attachment to parents and in the case of infants even negatively affect their brain development; that unless infants and toddlers are already closely attached to both parents, regular overnights with the noncustodial parent may be damaging; and that dividing a child’s time equally between the parents may be “fair” to them but seldom is best for the child. And, throughout, Leach grounds her approach with anecdotal evidence presented in the voices of children and parents themselves.
Leach’s child-centered advice, profoundly thoughtful and thorough, tackles the issues from every angle—emotional, scientific, psychological, practical, legal—covering everything from access, custody, and financial considerations to managing separate sets of technology in two houses. Above all she is insistent that for the sake of their future development, the needs of children must be put first. She is persuasively clear that mutual parenting, while seldom easy, is the best way forward for both the parents and the children.
From the Hardcover edition.
Recent research clarifies why parents—fathers as much as mothers—are so crucial to children of all ages and how their separation can turn children’s lives upside down. Drawing on the latest scientific findings, as well as on her many years of professional and personal work with children, Penelope Leach describes how parents can minimize the impact of separation and divorce on children through the six stages of a child’s life, from infancy to adulthood. She helps parents find ways to continue being fathers and mothers when they are no longer husbands and wives. She explains recent studies that overturn numerous common assumptions, revealing, for example, that many standard custody arrangements can undermine young children’s attachment to parents and in the case of infants even negatively affect their brain development; that unless infants and toddlers are already closely attached to both parents, regular overnights with the noncustodial parent may be damaging; and that dividing a child’s time equally between the parents may be “fair” to them but seldom is best for the child. And, throughout, Leach grounds her approach with anecdotal evidence presented in the voices of children and parents themselves.
Leach’s child-centered advice, profoundly thoughtful and thorough, tackles the issues from every angle—emotional, scientific, psychological, practical, legal—covering everything from access, custody, and financial considerations to managing separate sets of technology in two houses. Above all she is insistent that for the sake of their future development, the needs of children must be put first. She is persuasively clear that mutual parenting, while seldom easy, is the best way forward for both the parents and the children.
From the Hardcover edition.
274 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 18, 2014
12 people are currently reading
53 people want to read
About the author
Penelope Leach
81 books22 followersDr. Penelope J. Leach (born Penelope Jane Balchin) is a British psychologist who writes extensively on parenting issues from a child development perspective.
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
January 10, 2019
Nu știu cum de am ales acum doua săptămâni de la Bookster cartea asta. Probabil ca m-am tot gândit la despărțiri și am făcut corelație și cu o carte care chiar mi-a plăcut - New Family Values a lui Andrew Solomon. Însă mi-a plăcut și aceasta. Copiii au mai multă nevoie în primii ani de viața decât ne-am închipui vreodată și știu întotdeauna cu mult mai mult decât credem noi ca știu sau ar vrea să știe.
Cert e ca în viața nu e întotdeauna ușor, iar dacă chiar trebuie și trebuie să te despărți de partenerul cu care ai ajuns să ai un copil, exista câteva sfaturi care ar părea de bun simt la prima vedere:
- la început mamele contează mai mult
- curând, și tatii contează la fel de mult
- despărțirea părinților este mai rea pentru copii
- trebuie puși pe primul plan
- trebuie tratati ca oameni, nu ca bunuri
“Copiii supraviețuiesc destrămării familiei mai ușor dacă părinții își păstrează pentru ei problemele de adulți, furia și ostilitatea rămânând în cadrul relațiilor lor de bărbat-femeie, astfel încât relațiile de mama și tata să rămână civilizate.”
Încă o dată, nu știu cum de-am ales cartea asta, dar a fost o lectura plăcută. Încă nu am copii, dar pentru ca mama este asistent maternal de vreo 14 ani încoace (și a avut cinci copii diferiți pana acum), am trecut prin multe faze ale părintelui patern și știu sigur ca le-aș oferi toată dragostea.
Cert e ca în viața nu e întotdeauna ușor, iar dacă chiar trebuie și trebuie să te despărți de partenerul cu care ai ajuns să ai un copil, exista câteva sfaturi care ar părea de bun simt la prima vedere:
- la început mamele contează mai mult
- curând, și tatii contează la fel de mult
- despărțirea părinților este mai rea pentru copii
- trebuie puși pe primul plan
- trebuie tratati ca oameni, nu ca bunuri
“Copiii supraviețuiesc destrămării familiei mai ușor dacă părinții își păstrează pentru ei problemele de adulți, furia și ostilitatea rămânând în cadrul relațiilor lor de bărbat-femeie, astfel încât relațiile de mama și tata să rămână civilizate.”
Încă o dată, nu știu cum de-am ales cartea asta, dar a fost o lectura plăcută. Încă nu am copii, dar pentru ca mama este asistent maternal de vreo 14 ani încoace (și a avut cinci copii diferiți pana acum), am trecut prin multe faze ale părintelui patern și știu sigur ca le-aș oferi toată dragostea.
December 2, 2015
This book tries to emphasize what is best for kids as opposed to what is best, or even fair, for the adults involved in divorce.
She discusses how children of different ages are at different stages that make certain strategies more appropriate than others. Included is a discussion of the importance of other people in the child’s life: siblings, Grandparents, (especially the maternal grandmother), extended family, and other adults. Explains some of the impacts of the parents’ lovers and new spouses. The author points out that many children are unforgiving of the stranger who has “stolen” their parent and that this is a rotten way to begin step parenting. (Also how most affairs don’t last).
There is information on practical and legal matters, such as “alienation”, Holidays and long distance parenting. The importance of staying in the family home if possible is pointed out. Sometimes the absent parent loses contact with children over time. Though the author reiterates that divorce is never good for kids she tries to point out some ways to make it better.
She discusses how children of different ages are at different stages that make certain strategies more appropriate than others. Included is a discussion of the importance of other people in the child’s life: siblings, Grandparents, (especially the maternal grandmother), extended family, and other adults. Explains some of the impacts of the parents’ lovers and new spouses. The author points out that many children are unforgiving of the stranger who has “stolen” their parent and that this is a rotten way to begin step parenting. (Also how most affairs don’t last).
There is information on practical and legal matters, such as “alienation”, Holidays and long distance parenting. The importance of staying in the family home if possible is pointed out. Sometimes the absent parent loses contact with children over time. Though the author reiterates that divorce is never good for kids she tries to point out some ways to make it better.
October 30, 2015
A must read for separating partners.
It's clear that the anticipated audience is mothers, but if you can overlook that, it's fairly unbiased and child-centered for either parent to glean some guidance.
It's clear that the anticipated audience is mothers, but if you can overlook that, it's fairly unbiased and child-centered for either parent to glean some guidance.
December 27, 2022
Good review
July 1, 2025
5/5 because it showcases that children need different things from their parents at different stages of development. It appears controversial, but it intuitely makes sense. Both parents are important just at different times.
August 4, 2014
very informative
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews