Red Flags: How to Spot Frenemies, Underminers, and Toxic People in Every Part of Your Life

by Wendy L. Patrick

Are you a good judge of character? Can you identify a manipulative or dangerous person when they cross your path?

In Red Flags, Dr Wendy L. Patrick draws on her extensive professional experience to demonstrate that these people rarely look or seem as we expect. She offers simple strategies for identifying and guarding yourself against deceptive or potentially damaging relationships.

You need this book if you are:
• selecting anyone to take care of your children
• interviewing or hiring new employees
• testing a potential partner’s trustworthiness
• lending money or building business relationships

With Red Flags, learn empowerment, exercise assertion, and cultivate the defences you need to protect yourself and others from being undermined, manipulated or victimized.

Wendy L. Patrick, PhD, is a Deputy District Attorney and team leader in the Sex Crimes and Stalking Division of the San Diego County District Attorney’s Office. She serves as Co-Chair of both the Statewide California District Attorneys Association Sexually Violent Predator Committee and the Human Trafficking Committee.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Social, Audiobook, Adult, Sociology

357 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 3, 2015

About the author

Wendy L. Patrick is a San Diego County Deputy District Attorney, recently named the 2014 Ronald M. George Public Lawyer of the Year by the California State Bar’s Public Law Section. She has also been recognized by her peers as one of the 2015 Top Ten criminal attorneys in San Diego by the San Diego Daily Transcript. She has completed over 150 trials ranging from hate crimes, to domestic violence, to first-degree murder.

In her current assignment in the Special Operations Division, she handles sensitive cases involving public officials, officer involved shootings, and attorney misconduct. In her previous assignment in the Sex Crimes and Human Trafficking Division of the San Diego County District Attorney’s Office, Dr. Patrick prosecuted sexually violent predators, human traffickers, stalkers, rapists, and child molesters. She is co-chair of both the statewide California District Attorneys Association Sexually Violent Predator Committee, and Human Trafficking Committee.

Her doctoral thesis for her PhD focused on the psychology of attraction used to seduce victims and their families. She has been involved with the San Diego Domestic Violence Council, the San Diego Child Protection Team, and the Sexual Assault Response Team, from whom she received the SART Response with a Heart Award based on her significant contribution to the professional field of sexual assault prosecution.

On a personal note, Dr. Patrick holds a purple belt in Shorin-Ryu karate, is a concert violinist with the La Jolla Symphony, and plays the electric violin professionally with a rock band, performing both locally and in Hollywood.

Reviews

[Hanna ✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such an interesting book, extremely engaging and well written. And while I haven't learned anything relatively new, it was still so great to be reassured that I'm not a judgemental nutjob! Reading between the lines when someone speaks, analyzing the way an individual treats people, being wary of people who only want to know about me but don't open up, these are things I analyze on a daily basis without even knowing it. The author states that these are all things we should be doing routinely when it comes to interacting with people, whether with informal colleagues or intimate partners.

One thing I loved about this was how the author would include her personal experience with criminals and victims, try imagining the life of someone having to defend the worst of society on a daily basis! Reading this made me realize that I've met more people than I can count that have been frenemies or wolves in sheep clothing. A specific individual I met at my gym a few months ago off the bat seemed outgoing and fun (Keep in mind we never really talked besides minute conversations here and there). So we went out the following week for coffee, and that's when I really got to know her. She spent some of the evening asking me personal questions, a large portion speaking of her "friends" in such a derogatory manner, gossiping about the people in her life, boasting about her money and family. So what did I do right after I went home? Changed her contact name to "DONT PICK UP" and began to ignore her. She got the message after a few weeks and stopped calling/texting. If there's one thing my mom taught me it's that "people who gossip to you, will gossip about you".

Highly recommend everyone to read this atleast once, yes even IF you're super observant. It's still going to be a thrill to read this and realize that you are doing it right.

[Donna · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is nonfiction-psychology. I liked this. I found the many many stories interesting and as a whole this wasn't boring. Because of the collection of stories, this was easy to set down and pick it back up again. One thing worth noting, is that this author is a lawyer...not a writer. Knowing that, I liked the way the info was assembled.

I found the title a little misleading. It isn't on how to spot any of those things the subtitle mentions. It was more of a story session, followed by a "See. Hindsight is 20/20" type of message tacked on at the end. All in all, it was entertaining enough for 3 stars.

[Angie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book, it seemed interesting enough as I was flicking through it at the bookstore... But no, it's actually kind of boring. Good looking people make great criminals. Yeah. I kind of knew that already. If you give people validation and affirmation you can get them to do what you want. Yep. Already knew that too. Yawn. Don't even know if I can finish this. Disappointing.

[Erin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was intrigued by the title. I have a few people in my life who are what I would call "toxic," at least to me and my happiness..E.G. narcissists, mooches, negative nellies, and people who are into belittling, but don't realize the effect it has. Nothing serious, just more annoyances than anything. I thought this book would be about that. Instead, it was how to NOTICE toxic people in your life. I already know they are in my life, I wanted to know how to deal with them. It wasn't even focused on the aforementioned people either, but rather, how to spot creepy people or criminals, or how to "screen a person" when you first meet or get to know them.

This book just didn't quite seem to delve into my issue, maybe I was misled by the title?

I should have known this wasn't quite the book when I was looking for when I read the author is a lawyer. I think I need to read a book on this topic that was written by a psychologist.

Oh well.....

[Steve · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent, practical book on a very important subject. I give this one 5 stars for the following reasons: 1) Well written, easy to read, and engaging; 2) Great examples from the author's professional career which gives it a credibility; 3) There's a lot of books written on communication - all mostly saying the same things. This one has something fresh to say. 4) The FLAG framework (Focus Lifestyle Associations Goals) is easy to remember. 5) The framework is not only useful for thinking about others. It is also an interesting framework for thinking about one's own life and the effect is may have on others; 6) The author draws on an incredible range of research literature in support of her assertions. A important book for everyone.

[DaVonne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I often read books like this one. They are spliced between fantasy fiction and biographies. I'm sure it confuses my friends but the truth of the matter is I have a strange interest in human behavior and abnormal personalities. And by strange I mean I need to understand it because more and more the people around me, for whatever reason, are exemplifying these weird behaviors,such as The Dark Triad (Narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism) and sociophathy. These people are not my loved ones, for the most part, just in case you were curious; they are associates, patrons/customers, and random people I hear about through the grapevine. This book by Wendy L. Patrick, Ph. D., analyses these personality disorders and diseases and how we as the well adjusted members of society often find ourselves involved with these people. It also discusses in detail how to avoid them.

Red Flags: How to Spot Frenemies, Underminers, and Toxic People is a well organized and clear cut dissertation on the subject of manipulators and how they can, and will, destroy your life regardless of how much you think you can change them. However, she also discusses how some people (undoubted the exceptions to the rule) can and do change from these poisonous personality archetypes. We shouldn't assume every well educated man in a suit is trying to control us and use us for whatever money and social status we may have acquired. However, she informs you of how to spot the ones who are malicious.

Another, and I'm sure unintentional effect of this book, was they way it forced me think of myself and my FLAGs. Am I presenting my best self to the world/Universe/humanity? Do I allow any of these archetypes to use me in such a way that is self-damaging? This book is an all around great read. If nothing else it will equip you with information to keep you safe from malicious people prowling to take advantage of you in any way possible.

Also she ends her book on a positive note. So don't worry about feeling depressed about humanity at the end.

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Red Flags by Wendy L. Patrick

Have you ever left an interview and felt like you missed something?
Have you ever left a date wondering if this guy is too good to be true?
Are you in a relationship either business or personal that just isn’t right but you don’t know what’s wrong?
If you answered yes to any of these questions this is the book for you!

Wendy Patrick uses her decades of personal expertise as a district attorney in the sex crimes division of San Diego County to guide and hopefully keep readers from becoming a victim by exploring in depth the warning signs or “Red Flags” and what they mean using practical methods anyone can follow and signs anyone can recognize.
In this incredibly informative book she uses formulas and methods that have served her in her own career and shares them with anyone fortunate enough to pick up a copy of this book. She takes readers step by methodical step through each of her danger signs. She gives a name to her most common offenders “Dark Triad” that consists of, narcissists, Machiavellians and psychopaths, and even goes so far as to tell us a few that she could have “fallen” for. Her simple evaluation guide she calls FLAG (focus, lifestyle, associations, goals) and she takes us step by step through these different examples using her own experiences to show us exactly what to watch out for.
It’s eye opening, it’s awe inspiring, it’s shocking and it’s comforting to know that we have advocates like her that protect us before something happens and in the unfortunate event that we do fall victim that she’s there to stand up for those of us who fall victim to these often times beautiful monsters.
This book is for anyone, any race, any sex, any age because we’re all vulnerable.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading this book made me wish I could hear Wendy Patrick speak, because I suspect as a teacher and trial lawyer, she'd come across better in person than the book does. Which is not to say that there aren't useful bits here--there are--but it's repetitive at times. And the focus is on the super-dangerous wolves in sheep's clothing one might encounter, but what about the day-to-day users and backstabbers we're much more likely to deal with? My odds of running across an ax murderer are thankfully slim. I'd have been grateful for 'training wheels' information about reading people that would help me more often.

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book twice and am considering it for a third overview. It's a good guide especially for someone like me who generally trusts everyone right off the bat. I could have used this when I started working in an office 10 years ago. There's so much good advice in here that I read it the second time and actually took notes and scribbled in the margins, both of which I rarely, if ever, do. The book was a goodreads giveaway I won and I think it ranks at the top of any book I have ever won. I don't know if I would have picked it up but it should definitely be at the top of any fresh graduates reading list and even more so if you're one of those people who trust others until proven wrong. I'm not jaded and not everyone falls into the negative camps but it's really good to have some kind of early warning system, and this book qualifies!

[Rhonda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing new from pop psychology here and some well-known references are cited, but it is packaged with the author's experience as a US district attorney dealing with very bad people. Remembering the FLAG framework will be helpful. As a critically thinking person, I think I am already more suspicious than most (why IS this person talking to me?, why are they being so friendly?).

Some good reminders about familiarity and similarity, and that good looking, well-dressed people can get away with a lot, especially if they throw in some compliments and flattery.

I did appreciate she didn't provide graphic details of the violent and sexual crimes from the cases she has come across.

This might have been better as a magazine-style article rather than a book, making the key points more memorable and applicable to general daily life.

[Derek Baker]

The book didn't deliver what I expected. From the subtitle "how to spot toxic people, underminers, and ", I expected a lot more "typical" living examples -- e.g. energy drains, underminers at work, gossipers, and people who adversely affect who you are trying to be. Most of the examples were about the really bad guys -- sexual predators, child molesters, gold-diggers, etc., and this is expected given the author's extensive experience in criminal law. In this area the book gave pretty good information. Not all was lost. The general method for spotting those not good for you (FLAGS acronym) is applicable to normal life, but you'll have to study out how you can apply it in your everyday relationships.

[Arielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! Too often people take things at face value, and with the help of Dr. Wendy Patrick's tips, people will be better able to analyze each other's intentions using FLAGs. What is the other person focusing on? What is their lifestyle like? With whom do they associate? What are their goals?

I recommend this for anybody. It is especially intriguing for those with an interest in psychology or criminal justice like myself. Dr. Patrick incorporates a lot of her personal experience as an deputy district attorney and relates them to her tips for spotting toxic behavior in other people.

[Olwen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wish this book had been written when I was a young woman - it's so useful. The author is well experienced in people observing, being an attorney with training in psychology too. The book sets out the easy way to help assess whether the person you're interacting with is genuine, congruent, or a wolf in sheep's clothing.

The book is also careful to point out that there are many, many people out there who are good, congruent, authentic, and just really nice through and through. The key message is to maintain your awareness, and know what to look for when you're assessing whether this person is what they present themselves as.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book walks us through ways to identify the true nature of the people around us and to evaluate our relationships. Based on her experience of numerous cases, Distric Attorney Wendy Patrick 4 flags that can help us determine the true nature of people: Focus, Lifestyle, Associations, Goals. I liked how Patrick uses examples of real cases to explain her points, which helped me digest the ideas more easily.

[Katie Kay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Presents a gripping and factually based account of risky personality traits and why we are fooled into falling for them. Not only drawing on well researched sources, the Patrick also contributes her own personal experiences as an attorney to further her message. A great read for professionals and laymen alike, I was captivated from start to finish - including reading through the footnotes.

[Aurora Dimitre · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was interesting; it was written well; I thought it was a good time. I enjoyed it, overall, and from a true-crime kind of perspective, it was super interesting. I'm glad I read it. It was a quick read. It wasn't full of jargon but it wasn't super dumbed-down, I didn't think.

[Tova · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love reading about body language and how to assess people's motives based on their body language. This was a really interesting read and a big eye-opener.

[Bruce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative, up-to-date, and very useful.

[Anastasia · Rating 1 out of 5]

Just not keeping my attention.

[Em · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book after a particularly bad experience with a mental health provider, who in hindsight, falls into multiple "red flag" categories.
I found it helpful and informative for a variety of reasons. The author did a good job of presenting red flags in different relationships, along with examples - the format made it easy to understand different types of toxicity. Also, I very much appreciated how the author highlights how easy it is to miss red flags and warning signs, including anecdotes about herself as an attorney, etc.
The book feels like almost a manual on how to deal with problematic people, but it also has an undertone of commiseration with those reading - that many people in many situations can miss or ignore alarm bells, and there are often valid reasons behind how we respond and react when we miss them.
I would recommend this book to anyone who has experienced narcissistic or emotional abuse, or to anyone who has had difficulty discerning toxic vs non-toxic friends/relationships.

[Taylor Rindlisbaker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I could tell that Wendy is very knowledgeable with reading people. I think that it was very interesting to be able to reflect certain character traits in myself or in others that I could be wary of. I think this is a great book for anyone wanting to have their eyes opened to certain ulterior motives that others around us might have. Personally, I was able to learn and reflect on the people around me. This book helped me know that I am lucky to truly know my close friends and family. It also made me think that I can be more aware of those around me. I can get to know my neighbor and those I go to work with beyond simply knowing that they are around me. This book teaches us that we should get to know who they are as people. This book was valuable and enjoyable to me. I think that this book has a strength of opening our eyes to really trying to see and know those around us. I also think if we are not careful, this book could scare us into not trusting people. I think overall Wendy does a fantastic job writing an informative, engaging book.

[Claire Binkley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this or something similar to it when I was younger. Maybe I didn't due to the lengthy time it might have taken to go through peer review, or the lack of books exactly like it out there in my library. Or if they aren't lacking, I have been largely ignorant of their existence, anyway.

What this author is trying to do in her book is to try and hand you some quick giveaways that the person you just befriended last night is not all he or she is portraying him- or her-self to be.

This book is copyright 2015... According to my records, I was trying to help someone from Cyprus process his immigration visa at the time, but that did not work out. Currently, that person is blocked, even if I had afterwards learned a bit of Turkish to communicate better with people from there so I might avoid future misunderstandings.

If I had this book in hand at that time, I would have known better and saved everyone a considerable amount of aggravation. Oh iyi.

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.75 stars
The title and the content don't relate like I expected it to. The FLAG system is good but the author's examples tended to be psychopaths and pedophiles ... people most of us won't cross paths with. Granted that is her area of expertise. While the examples were good once you got past the numerous references to "my experience as a lawyer", they weren't relatable to the reader. I would have preferred less specific examples as well as the ability to tell good from bad since all people exhibit the characteristics she mentioned to a degree AND then give some advice on how to extricate oneself from the situation. Telling us about the FLAGs are fine and dandy but give actual tools that can be used because some of us will be suckered in by the believable story coming from what seems like a trustworthy face.

[Elwin Kline · Rating 3 out of 5]

"I liked it." - 3 out of 5 star rating.

The first half the book was really enjoyable for me, focusing more so on psychology, red flag identification/awareness, and felt a lot more relevant to the 'workplace', which was my primary driver for picking up this book and targeting the concept of red flags more than anything.

However, the back half of the book was a bit too focused on romantic relationships, sex, crimes against women, and things of that nature. This is NOT why I came to this book, but I can see the correlation and also the terminology itself (aka red flags) being more focused on this side of house for most people.

After being burnt on the love side of things, the author finished strong with some Green Flags, which I wasn't expecting and provided me with a satisfactory conclusion.

Not bad, not great, and ultimately walking away feeling good about this one.

[Olivia Katsoudas · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book definitely surprised me! After book marking this two years ago, I finally decided to read it. I thought it would be the silly red flags associated with fuck boys and avoiding situationships and just very sex and the city-esque advice. However, the author (a prosecutor, sharing experiences from her career in the courtroom) brings light to actual dangerous red flags that could mean life or death in many situations. I really enjoyed all the real world topics and examples she brings up and how stylistically similar this book is to a well written and interesting thesis paper. Would definitely suggest reading!!

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I borrowed this off Libby and early on in my life. I didn’t know how to filter these types of people. I thought some of the behavior I grew up around was “normal” and now I can see most people are normal but there is a small number of people out there you have to look out for. Now I do know how to listen to people when they talk and listen carefully. This book gives scenarios of where certain stories to where you may not know the red flags with certain people. It was very helpful.

[Pink · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book isn't exactly what I expected from the description. It described people in the dark triad: narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. Which we do interact with plenty of these people, I was just expecting more common problematic people.

Still, I really enjoyed it and think it's got some good guidelines.

[Niniane · Rating 4 out of 5]

The audiobook is pragmatic and has many anecdotes from the author's experience as a criminal lawyer.

The main takeaway is that criminals can be incredibly charming and disarming. Some criminals charmed women in the jury during the trial. The author mistook some criminals for lawyers, and then found out the criminals did terrible crimes such as homicide.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Essential reading for single parents, preferably before entering into new relationships. This book gives you specific warning signs to keep your eyes open for and why, with real-life examples. So, you know it’s not just paranoia.

[Vanessa · Rating 3 out of 5]

A tough read for me. Every time I started reading this book, I felt a bit paranoid so I'd read a chapter or two at a time. Some things seemed a bit obvious and others were new to me. Overall, a solid read.