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Hope and Other Luxuries: A Mother's Life with a Daughter's Anorexia
Clare Dunkle seemed to have an ideal life—two beautiful, high-achieving teenage daughters, a loving husband, and a satisfying and successful career as a children's book novelist. But it's when you let down your guard that the ax falls. Just after one daughter successfully conquered her depression, another daughter developed a life-threatening eating disorder. Co-published with Elena Vanishing, the memoir of her daughter, this is the story—told in brave, beautifully written, and unflinchingly honest prose—of one family's fight against a deadly disease, from an often ignored but important the mother of the anorexic.
570 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 28, 2015
39 people are currently reading
1539 people want to read
About the author
Clare B. Dunkle
14 books389 followersI was born Clare Buckalew in Fort Worth, Texas, and grew up in Denton, Texas, a city north of Dallas. I earned my B.A. in Russian with a minor in Latin from Trinity University in San Antonio, Texas. After graduating from Indiana University with a master's degree in library science, I came back to San Antonio to work when my husband, Joe, joined the engineering staff at Kelly Air Force Base. I earned tenure as the monographs cataloger at Trinity University's Coates Library from 1990 to 1999; then I left the library to homeschool my two daughters, Valerie and Elena. My family moved to Germany in 2000, and we lived for seven years in the Rheinland Pfalz region, not far from the old Roman city of Trier. We returned to San Antonio in the summer of 2007, when my younger daughter Elena began college. In 2012, now grandparents, Joe and I moved back to Germany, where we are once again enjoying the bike trails, wine fests, and amazing travel opportunities. We hope to live here at least through 2017.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 81 reviews
March 3, 2016
I would definitely read this and her daughter's memoir, Elena Vanishing. The two books tell the same story for different audience, but I think you really need them both to get the full picture. A story is never one-sided. Some bits of this were slow and felt kind of drawn out. At the time that annoyed me, but in hindsight I wonder if that simply parallels the disease itself. Anorexia is a long, drawn out fight, and it is never simple. I respect the honesty with which Claire tells her story.
April 16, 2018
I feel like I was robbed of a week and a half of reading time with this book. Like, rarely has a book under-delivered so hard on a super interesting, promising concept. I know nothing about eating disorders and this book promised to speak about a family's experience with them -- sounds great, let's give it a go.
NO - don't give this a go.
I cannot stress enough how much I do not want you to read this book.
For one thing, like half of it's just about the mom and her career as a writer. Sure, you write weird fantasy books, we get it - what does this have to do with LITERALLY ANYTHING that is happening right now? What does your desire to be an author have to do with your daughter battling anorexia nervosa? From very early on, Dunkle came across as self-absorbed and completely out of it. (Also, her books sound kind of crappy soooo yeah, maybe don't be bragging too much about your writing career.) But honestly - why promote this book as being "A Mother's Life with a Daughter's Anorexia" when really what this is is "How My Writing Career Started and How My Daughter's Anorexia Inconvenienced That."
Now I'm not saying she doesn't care about her daughter - she very clearly does. She puts up with a lot of crap. But she also says ridiculous things like:
"The dark time was over - the dark, imprisoned time. I had rescued my daughter. I had rescued us all."
Rescued us all, huh? Too bad you didn't rescue me from reading you DULL BOOK. Page after page of the same thing: Elena left treatment, Elena's back in treatment. Elena's mad at me, now she's not. I know I started this book off saying it was engaging and interesting but that quickly evaporated when every chapter was the same. Non-fiction written as fiction can only truly be interesting when it's written like a novel aka WITH ACTUAL PLOT POINTS THAT ARE ENGAGING AND INTERESTING. At one point I literally wrote in my notes "We already heard this story, literally in the intro. Book’s so long she can’t even remember what she’s told us." Like, give me STRENGTH.
Another great moment:
"Seats embedded in the walls of an airplane hull don't recline."
I love how she couldn't stop talking about the reclining. Your daughter’s like, dying, and the thing you choose to tell me about is how you just want to lie down? I dunno, I’m having a tough time feeling compassion for you about THAT particular “plot point.”
Or how about:
"Our normal, reasonable, safe world had blown apart."
This whole book is literally about how you DON’T think your family/daughter in particular are reasonable and safe. You’ve noticed her not eating and working too hard and you’re saying that everything was fine until THIS in particular happened? CLARE PLEASE I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR BS.
Don't get it twisted - I have compassion and sympathy for this family and everyone involved, but I don't have time for someone describing her daughter as a sociopathic villain ("...Elena appeared to be immune to the aura of misery rising from the transparent prison cells" -- they're at a pet store looking at fish here, for context, in case you're wondering) or wasting my time with boring, trivial discussions about how much pizza her family ate for a couple of years.
And she loved to repeat the same phrases over and over. Man, I feel like I mention it all the time, but so many authors have "russet skin" #twilight problems. "A danger to herself! A danger!" These types of melodramatic exclamations littered this whole book, only like two pages apart, and it was like GIVE ME A BREAK FROM THIS MONOTONOUS WRITING, PLZ. Just for 2 pages, I beg of you.
And at one point she writes that someone said to her, "Isn't that your brilliant, funny girl, the one who seemed so wise when she was a child?" RIGHT, because other people would describe your kid that way. Absolutely no way you can convince me of that.
Also, the fact that it was broken into chapters quickly removed me from the trauma, which seems counterproductive to what the book was supposed to do. This book would have been way better if she had taken the time to divide it into sections. Either different emotions, or different thought process or something and then told the whole thing out of order to focus on what’s REALLY important in here. I would argue what she’s really trying to communicate is how it felt as a mother to witness these things, but that can be communicated more effectively than an exhausting, never ending play by play.
One quote I did like: "I miss so many things that were beautiful."
If you want that to be the main takeaway, that's cool with me. If you want to heed my warning, don't waste your time with this. You will undoubtedly regret it #moneybackguarantee
NO - don't give this a go.
I cannot stress enough how much I do not want you to read this book.
For one thing, like half of it's just about the mom and her career as a writer. Sure, you write weird fantasy books, we get it - what does this have to do with LITERALLY ANYTHING that is happening right now? What does your desire to be an author have to do with your daughter battling anorexia nervosa? From very early on, Dunkle came across as self-absorbed and completely out of it. (Also, her books sound kind of crappy soooo yeah, maybe don't be bragging too much about your writing career.) But honestly - why promote this book as being "A Mother's Life with a Daughter's Anorexia" when really what this is is "How My Writing Career Started and How My Daughter's Anorexia Inconvenienced That."
Now I'm not saying she doesn't care about her daughter - she very clearly does. She puts up with a lot of crap. But she also says ridiculous things like:
"The dark time was over - the dark, imprisoned time. I had rescued my daughter. I had rescued us all."
Rescued us all, huh? Too bad you didn't rescue me from reading you DULL BOOK. Page after page of the same thing: Elena left treatment, Elena's back in treatment. Elena's mad at me, now she's not. I know I started this book off saying it was engaging and interesting but that quickly evaporated when every chapter was the same. Non-fiction written as fiction can only truly be interesting when it's written like a novel aka WITH ACTUAL PLOT POINTS THAT ARE ENGAGING AND INTERESTING. At one point I literally wrote in my notes "We already heard this story, literally in the intro. Book’s so long she can’t even remember what she’s told us." Like, give me STRENGTH.
Another great moment:
"Seats embedded in the walls of an airplane hull don't recline."
I love how she couldn't stop talking about the reclining. Your daughter’s like, dying, and the thing you choose to tell me about is how you just want to lie down? I dunno, I’m having a tough time feeling compassion for you about THAT particular “plot point.”
Or how about:
"Our normal, reasonable, safe world had blown apart."
This whole book is literally about how you DON’T think your family/daughter in particular are reasonable and safe. You’ve noticed her not eating and working too hard and you’re saying that everything was fine until THIS in particular happened? CLARE PLEASE I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR BS.
Don't get it twisted - I have compassion and sympathy for this family and everyone involved, but I don't have time for someone describing her daughter as a sociopathic villain ("...Elena appeared to be immune to the aura of misery rising from the transparent prison cells" -- they're at a pet store looking at fish here, for context, in case you're wondering) or wasting my time with boring, trivial discussions about how much pizza her family ate for a couple of years.
And she loved to repeat the same phrases over and over. Man, I feel like I mention it all the time, but so many authors have "russet skin" #twilight problems. "A danger to herself! A danger!" These types of melodramatic exclamations littered this whole book, only like two pages apart, and it was like GIVE ME A BREAK FROM THIS MONOTONOUS WRITING, PLZ. Just for 2 pages, I beg of you.
And at one point she writes that someone said to her, "Isn't that your brilliant, funny girl, the one who seemed so wise when she was a child?" RIGHT, because other people would describe your kid that way. Absolutely no way you can convince me of that.
Also, the fact that it was broken into chapters quickly removed me from the trauma, which seems counterproductive to what the book was supposed to do. This book would have been way better if she had taken the time to divide it into sections. Either different emotions, or different thought process or something and then told the whole thing out of order to focus on what’s REALLY important in here. I would argue what she’s really trying to communicate is how it felt as a mother to witness these things, but that can be communicated more effectively than an exhausting, never ending play by play.
One quote I did like: "I miss so many things that were beautiful."
If you want that to be the main takeaway, that's cool with me. If you want to heed my warning, don't waste your time with this. You will undoubtedly regret it #moneybackguarantee
June 28, 2015
With Elena Vanishing and this book being delivered to my house to read and obviously picking Vanishing to read first because it's the most direct route into the story of a girl suffering from anoerxia has definitely altered how I viewed my reading of Hope. I would say akin to the dual stories of the Scheff's struggle with meth, this would be another story that their value sometimes relies on the other.
While I think Hope could have been shortened and tightened, I appreciated the injection of Dunkle's own upbringing to help bring into perspective her struggles with her own daughters, specifically Elena, who suffered a terrible rape by which her only control at the time was food that led to her anorexia.
With a stylistically beautiful cover and carefully organized narrative, I can appreciate the mother's story, but it's still just not quite as powerful as Elena's though I appreciated the push forward to a more adult story of what and how Elena is doing.
While I think Hope could have been shortened and tightened, I appreciated the injection of Dunkle's own upbringing to help bring into perspective her struggles with her own daughters, specifically Elena, who suffered a terrible rape by which her only control at the time was food that led to her anorexia.
With a stylistically beautiful cover and carefully organized narrative, I can appreciate the mother's story, but it's still just not quite as powerful as Elena's though I appreciated the push forward to a more adult story of what and how Elena is doing.
August 21, 2015
Hope and Other Luxuries, published in conjunction with Elena Vanishing, is rather broader in scope than Elena Vanishing—Vanishing, while it covers various relevant experiences and influences (e.g., boarding school, Valerie's problems), is really only about Elena and Elena's eating disorder; Hope is also about C. Dunkle's childhood and being a parent and becoming a writer.
They're books best read together, as each fills in blanks left by the other and gives the other more context and balance. At times this one felt like too much, though. It's a beast of a memoir at more than 500 pages—C takes her time setting up scenes, rarely skims over things, and devotes large chunks to her fiction writing (including short excerpts). While the fiction is usually relevant, reflective of her state of mind...it's quite a lot of book. (Way, way too many references to 'my imagination', e.g., 'my imagination showed me...')
I'm still struggling with the question of C ghostwriting Elena Vanishing. C talks a fair bit about it here—in particular, about trying to figure out what E's voice is/should be. Again, I know it's probably a better book for having an experienced writer do a lot of the actual writing, but it feels weird to me to have person A determine the voice of person B for person B's memoir. I don't mean to suggest that E had no hand in Vanishing—the voices are actually really distinct, so something worked. But it's striking to me, also, that some of the voices C plays around with in this book are so different from the voice in Vanishing. C describes E as having a 'cocky attitude' (428), which feels true to Vanishing, but we also get things like this:
That's one of C's early attempts at characterising E for E's memoir (I think—it's possible that it came from E's journals, but it's not clear), and maybe the smugness is why I had such a hard time with E's voice in Vanishing. Makes me think that C doesn't necessarily have a great sense of eating disorders in general, or E's more specifically...though I suppose that's largely speculation.
But, well. Other things to consider: I loved that the prologue made it clear that eating disorders aren't one-time things, that E's better but not cured, but I couldn't place the prologue within the context of the epilogue. The latter ends with , while the prologue starts with My daughter Elena called me up last week, crying. She's twenty-four now, and she just broke up with a boyfriend she needed to break up with (2).
If you read one of these books I'd highly recommend reading the other along with it. C's a good writer with a strong sense of tying multiple storylines together, and the one informs the other. And...I learned the word Kettenraucher, which means that my German vocabulary has increased ever so slightly without getting even remotely more practical.
My review for Elena Vanishing can be found here.
They're books best read together, as each fills in blanks left by the other and gives the other more context and balance. At times this one felt like too much, though. It's a beast of a memoir at more than 500 pages—C takes her time setting up scenes, rarely skims over things, and devotes large chunks to her fiction writing (including short excerpts). While the fiction is usually relevant, reflective of her state of mind...it's quite a lot of book. (Way, way too many references to 'my imagination', e.g., 'my imagination showed me...')
I'm still struggling with the question of C ghostwriting Elena Vanishing. C talks a fair bit about it here—in particular, about trying to figure out what E's voice is/should be. Again, I know it's probably a better book for having an experienced writer do a lot of the actual writing, but it feels weird to me to have person A determine the voice of person B for person B's memoir. I don't mean to suggest that E had no hand in Vanishing—the voices are actually really distinct, so something worked. But it's striking to me, also, that some of the voices C plays around with in this book are so different from the voice in Vanishing. C describes E as having a 'cocky attitude' (428), which feels true to Vanishing, but we also get things like this:
For every woman who sighs to her girlfriends, "If I could just drop fifteen pounds"—check this, bitches, I'm proof that you could. For every girl who cracks on Day Three of the diet and wolfs that chocolate shake—tough for you, babe, here's what you could have had. I'm all your insecurities, the ones you try to pretend don't matter—but the minute you see me, they do.
Hey, we all feel them. I'm just the one who's strong enough to do something about them. The rest of you, you don't have the drive. You don't want it badly enough.
You're not willing to die.
I am. (428-429)
That's one of C's early attempts at characterising E for E's memoir (I think—it's possible that it came from E's journals, but it's not clear), and maybe the smugness is why I had such a hard time with E's voice in Vanishing. Makes me think that C doesn't necessarily have a great sense of eating disorders in general, or E's more specifically...though I suppose that's largely speculation.
But, well. Other things to consider: I loved that the prologue made it clear that eating disorders aren't one-time things, that E's better but not cured, but I couldn't place the prologue within the context of the epilogue. The latter ends with , while the prologue starts with My daughter Elena called me up last week, crying. She's twenty-four now, and she just broke up with a boyfriend she needed to break up with (2).
If you read one of these books I'd highly recommend reading the other along with it. C's a good writer with a strong sense of tying multiple storylines together, and the one informs the other. And...I learned the word Kettenraucher, which means that my German vocabulary has increased ever so slightly without getting even remotely more practical.
My review for Elena Vanishing can be found here.
February 14, 2016
Grade: C-
If I had to describe HOPE AND OTHER LUXURIES in one word, I'd use: loooooooooong. 2 words: too loooooooooooong.
Published in conjunction with ELENA VANISHING, HOPE AND OTHER LUXURIES is the more well written of these mother/daughter tales of Elena's anorexia and recovery. Perhaps I preferred HOPE because I found Elena to be almost entirely unlikable and unsympathetic, even from her very loving mother's POV. I even had difficulty empathizing with her rape at age thirteen, and I don't think I've ever felt that was about an obvious victim of such a heinous crime. I felt bad that it happened, but didn't care enough about the character/person to feel her pain.
Writer Clare Dunkle pens beautiful, engrossing sentences. The problem I had with HOPE was that rather than showing a concise story, she ventured into tangents and insights about her own childhood. While the asides were interesting, they detracted rather than adding to the pace and telling of the story.
The character I found most likable and sympathetic was older sister Valerie, the oft victim of Elena's wrath and misdirected blame. I wish Valerie had written her own story.
HOPE AND OTHER LUXURIES is a well written, but too drawn out and not entirely insightful story of a mother watching her daughter self destruct into a world of anorexia.
If I had to describe HOPE AND OTHER LUXURIES in one word, I'd use: loooooooooong. 2 words: too loooooooooooong.
Published in conjunction with ELENA VANISHING, HOPE AND OTHER LUXURIES is the more well written of these mother/daughter tales of Elena's anorexia and recovery. Perhaps I preferred HOPE because I found Elena to be almost entirely unlikable and unsympathetic, even from her very loving mother's POV. I even had difficulty empathizing with her rape at age thirteen, and I don't think I've ever felt that was about an obvious victim of such a heinous crime. I felt bad that it happened, but didn't care enough about the character/person to feel her pain.
Writer Clare Dunkle pens beautiful, engrossing sentences. The problem I had with HOPE was that rather than showing a concise story, she ventured into tangents and insights about her own childhood. While the asides were interesting, they detracted rather than adding to the pace and telling of the story.
The character I found most likable and sympathetic was older sister Valerie, the oft victim of Elena's wrath and misdirected blame. I wish Valerie had written her own story.
HOPE AND OTHER LUXURIES is a well written, but too drawn out and not entirely insightful story of a mother watching her daughter self destruct into a world of anorexia.
July 26, 2023
Wow. What a brave thing to lay out all of your heartache to help your daughter, others, and hopefully yourself. Clare B. Dunkle is one of my favorite authors, and stepping into her head was such an experience. This book was absolutely exhausting to read, and I can't imagine what it would have been like to live it. I am hoping to have more compassion and understanding towards others after reading this memoir and the trials this family had to suffer. What true love this book demonstrates! Wow.
June 25, 2015
I enjoyed parts of this book, I preferred the book written by her daughter. This one had too many of the mother's personal stories and history in it for me. Maybe if I had read this before the other book I might have enjoyed it more.
March 12, 2016
I gave this one a 5/5 stars. I found out that this one was published in conjunction with Elena Vanishing and was the mother's perspective and my curiosity was instantly piqued. I've read a couple books about eating disorders now and reading these two memoirs were completely different than reading Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. Some of the reviews of Halse Anderson's book said it felt too much like a manual on how to be anorexic, but I never got that feeling from it at all. I didn't get that feeling from the two memoirs either. I think that any sensitive material could end up being a trigger for someone with related issues regardless of how sensitively it's portrayed. Elena Dunkle's memoir, for example, was very raw and although she does not emphasize weight or numbers, reading about her mindset alone could be enough. That being said I really liked reading Clare Dunkle's memoir. She gave us some background from her life as well as how the family coped with Valerie's troubles before Elena's were revealed to be as bad as they were. It helped give a full picture of what the experience was like and how draining and constant those issues were to deal with. Through it all, she describes feeling emotionally numb, but it's clear that she never gives up on her daughters. Whereas Elena's memoir could pass over significant periods of time, Clare's delved into them. She gives us the insurance headache, the sacrifices, the time, and the sadness. It's quite clear that this was not an easy time for the family. Basically, I'm glad I read this one. I think Clare Dunkle's writing is excellent and that she lays out the emotional trials of being by her daughters' side with honesty and poise. I didn't cry when I read this one as I did reading Elena's, but while Elena's memoir was pure, raw emotion, Clare's is emotion portrayed in another way. Some of the reviews said it was hard to read them back to back given the subject matter, but as Clare does not have the same eating disorder thoughts as Elena, I didn't find it that way. That's not to say that it was an easy, pleasant read though - it certainly wasn't. It was quite real. I also pulled out some quotes that really stood out to me:
"It was a battle, and I wasn't sure who was winning." (p. 235)
"Guilt has a bad reputation. People talk about it as if it's a dirty word...True, honest guilt is a reminder that once we had the power to choose what to do -- and the power to choose is what makes us human." (p. 371)
"She wasn't a thing like the Elena I had known. We felt so far apart now that I didn't know if we would ever manage to bridge the gulf between us." (p. 393)
"But now I felt nothing but cold, hard anger. I was done with all this. I didn't want to understand." (p. 394)
"That's it! I thought. I'm done with this! This person is a closed book to me. She is a riddle I have no more desire to solve." (p. 395)
"'I do have a question,' one of them admitted in a small voice. 'Is there ever a point when you can't take it anymore? When you just say, 'That's it!' and you stop loving us?'
And with a guilty flush, I remembered my anger: That's it!
'No," the veteran mother said firmly. 'We never stop loving. Never.'" (400)
"Finally the Eating Disorder Voice came in. It crouched protectively behind Elena's chair and spoke into her ear.
'Don't worry, I'll get you through this,' it said. 'You're not alone as long as I'm here. I've always been there for you. You don't need anyone else. I'm the one with the answers. We'll handle this ourselves, the way we've always done.'" (p. 403)
"'No,' Elena interrupted. 'Everybody thinks that, and it's wrong. Vomiting when you're sick is completely different. It's very uncomfortable, and you can't stop it. You can't control it -- it's not anything like purging.'
Control. I thought about that. I thought about this hidden skill, this secret sense of control." (p. 408)
"But at the same time, sadness was starting to well up inside me. It was exhausting, this strange new world I was having to see." (p. 409)
"Nothing that I touched in this new world was turning out to be the way I thought it would. A normal person couldn't survive here for five minutes." (p. 410)
"Hey, we all feel them. I'm just the one who's strong enough to do something about them. The rest of you, you don't have the drive. You don't want it badly enough.
You're not willing to die.
I am." (p. 412)
"What do you say when someone you love is standing on a building ledge? What can you do besides scream?" (p. 412)
"Numbers were safe." (p. 430)
"'My recovery? My recovery is a joke.'" (p.435)
"It was a battle, and I wasn't sure who was winning." (p. 235)
"Guilt has a bad reputation. People talk about it as if it's a dirty word...True, honest guilt is a reminder that once we had the power to choose what to do -- and the power to choose is what makes us human." (p. 371)
"She wasn't a thing like the Elena I had known. We felt so far apart now that I didn't know if we would ever manage to bridge the gulf between us." (p. 393)
"But now I felt nothing but cold, hard anger. I was done with all this. I didn't want to understand." (p. 394)
"That's it! I thought. I'm done with this! This person is a closed book to me. She is a riddle I have no more desire to solve." (p. 395)
"'I do have a question,' one of them admitted in a small voice. 'Is there ever a point when you can't take it anymore? When you just say, 'That's it!' and you stop loving us?'
And with a guilty flush, I remembered my anger: That's it!
'No," the veteran mother said firmly. 'We never stop loving. Never.'" (400)
"Finally the Eating Disorder Voice came in. It crouched protectively behind Elena's chair and spoke into her ear.
'Don't worry, I'll get you through this,' it said. 'You're not alone as long as I'm here. I've always been there for you. You don't need anyone else. I'm the one with the answers. We'll handle this ourselves, the way we've always done.'" (p. 403)
"'No,' Elena interrupted. 'Everybody thinks that, and it's wrong. Vomiting when you're sick is completely different. It's very uncomfortable, and you can't stop it. You can't control it -- it's not anything like purging.'
Control. I thought about that. I thought about this hidden skill, this secret sense of control." (p. 408)
"But at the same time, sadness was starting to well up inside me. It was exhausting, this strange new world I was having to see." (p. 409)
"Nothing that I touched in this new world was turning out to be the way I thought it would. A normal person couldn't survive here for five minutes." (p. 410)
"Hey, we all feel them. I'm just the one who's strong enough to do something about them. The rest of you, you don't have the drive. You don't want it badly enough.
You're not willing to die.
I am." (p. 412)
"What do you say when someone you love is standing on a building ledge? What can you do besides scream?" (p. 412)
"Numbers were safe." (p. 430)
"'My recovery? My recovery is a joke.'" (p.435)
January 24, 2016
I could not put this book down, and I can't entirely say why. I wasn't necessarily riveted by the writing, but the story had a hold on me, perhaps because I kept putting myself in Clare Dunkle's shoes. Though my daughter's are very very young, I could not help but imagine what I would do if I were in the same situation, and I know that I would do anything for my children, much like Clare, but I would likely have hit my breaking point a lot sooner. I was constantly amazed by her ability to keep going in the face of nearly insurmountable odds.
One aspect of the book I greatly appreciated was how honest it was. When I read a book about characters with mental illness, I hope to come away with a greater understanding of the illness and its effects on, not only the person suffering, but also all the people around him/her. That is exactly what this book did. In nearly 550 pages, Dunkle spared no expense in detailing her daughter, Elena's, struggles with anorexia, as well as her own struggles in trying to help Elena. I am very interested in reading Elena Vanishing in order to experience these same events from Elena's point of view.
One aspect of the book I greatly appreciated was how honest it was. When I read a book about characters with mental illness, I hope to come away with a greater understanding of the illness and its effects on, not only the person suffering, but also all the people around him/her. That is exactly what this book did. In nearly 550 pages, Dunkle spared no expense in detailing her daughter, Elena's, struggles with anorexia, as well as her own struggles in trying to help Elena. I am very interested in reading Elena Vanishing in order to experience these same events from Elena's point of view.
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July 22, 2015Can't rate this book. I started to read, but only managed to get through 200 pages...and just can't continue. I read Claire's daughter Elena's book first, "Elena Vanishing". Elena's book captured me immediately. I don't think I can't finish right now because of the actual book - I'm just not in a good mental place to read. I'm frustrated with Clare at this point, and I shouldn't be, she's writing as a mother looking back. Perhaps because I read Elena's book first and have a different perspective in the situations happening. For instance Claire is questioning the drs. over and over again even though more than one has used the word Anorexia. I know from reading the other book, that Elena was hiding a lot from everyone.
I am keeping on my to read shelf, and will pick it up again when my own personal life settles down.
I am keeping on my to read shelf, and will pick it up again when my own personal life settles down.
May 10, 2016
I really wanted to like this book because it is not often that literature offers the opportunity to read books from both perspectives of a true story but found that the more I read the more I disliked the author. Clare Dunkle is the mother of an anorexic child, Elena, and for most of the novel is in denial that her daughter has a disorder despite MANY attempts by trained professionals to tell her otherwise. Her arrogance only enables Elena's disorder to become worse. Despite this, Clare is an excellent writer and, although I did not agree with many of her decisions, the story was very well told. I am currently reading Elena's version of the story, "Elena Vanishing", and am finding it much more readable.
July 12, 2017
After reading the daughter's memoir (Elena Vanishing), which I very much enjoyed, I was eager to read the mom's side of the story. Very quickly I discovered this book wasn't the mom's side of having a daughter with anorexia, but rather an extremely long advertisement for the mom's other books she has written. The excerpts of the author's fantasy stories and how she was constantly daydreaming made it easy to see how this mom missed so many signs of her daughter's struggles. The author came across as so self-absorbed in this painfully long book that I ended up skimming the last third. I'm glad that I read Elena's story first, because I wouldn't have if I had started with this book first.
August 24, 2015
Before reading this memoir, I had said I would never pick up another ED book. Well, heavens, I am thankful that this one found me. While I did find bits indulgent and I thought it ran a bit long, I actually enjoyed reading the fragments from Clare Dunkle's fiction. I was pleasantly surprised to relate to her, while also admiring her capacity to love and her determination. This book brought me tremendous comfort. Each family has their own story, but the Dunkle's have given me hope when I didn't think it was possible.
November 2, 2015
This book was a game changer for me. So powerful. So heart wrenching. But so good.
March 14, 2016
This is the first book that's ever made me cry. Her writing was so raw and beautiful, I found myself wiping tears at multiple points throughout this book.
April 3, 2021
ehhhh.... Am torn about how to write a review for this book. I'd read the previous book, Elena Vanishing a couple of years ago, I think? And I did not know then that this mother was actually the author of that book. And frankly, that colored my impression of this entire book. Its difficult not to read this book and notice that the mother is....off. Like a bad person? No. But very self-centered, self-involved, and while she does a good job making the....character of the disease of anorexia come to life-- she CAN write well- she also made this reader at least, wonder how someone so educated and claimingly involved as a parent could miss SO MUCH BEING WRONG with her kids SO MANY TIMES. And then, even once she'd been willing to acknowledge things were wrong, making her solutions all about sending the kids away to "fix" them. Sending them away seemed to be kind of a whole theme in this family's life, and maybe that's just a cultural thing I don't understand because our family has never had boarding school or BMW or daily hotel money- its possible? At any rate, this book was INCREDIBLY long, had WAY too much about her fiction books in it (I literally skipped the giant extended quotes from whatever fantasy novels she wrote/seemed trying to plug in this memoir), and unlike most good memoirs, left me liking the author way less than when I started reading it. I feel badly for the Dunkle family, but I didn't like this book at all. It dragged, it was too long, and once I found out that the mom had actually written the daughter's memoir as well, it made both books feel...exploitative and somewhat forced and phony. 1.5 stars, rounded up. Not recommended.
January 3, 2022
*3.5 stars, more like.
the writing style was stunning, no doubt clare dunkle is an award-winning writer. BUT: i kind of felt like the beginning was a little slow, and the actual experience with the eating disorder started about a hundred pages in. but i do understand the necessity to discuss what she did early on. it just felt like it was going to go on forever. BUT 2.0: the ending was so abrupt? she told elena and her suffering in detail, but totally glossed over the entire recovery process when, i feel like (as a reader in recovery for anorexia) was such the most important story to tell. she just made it out so sound, "recovery is possible," then ended the book. again, beautiful writing, though. it would have been great if she described elena's recovery and her experience with it with the same hopeful optimism that she showed in majority of the book. it almost seemed like she got lazy by the end. anyway, i kind of want to reread elena vanishing now. 😤
the writing style was stunning, no doubt clare dunkle is an award-winning writer. BUT: i kind of felt like the beginning was a little slow, and the actual experience with the eating disorder started about a hundred pages in. but i do understand the necessity to discuss what she did early on. it just felt like it was going to go on forever. BUT 2.0: the ending was so abrupt? she told elena and her suffering in detail, but totally glossed over the entire recovery process when, i feel like (as a reader in recovery for anorexia) was such the most important story to tell. she just made it out so sound, "recovery is possible," then ended the book. again, beautiful writing, though. it would have been great if she described elena's recovery and her experience with it with the same hopeful optimism that she showed in majority of the book. it almost seemed like she got lazy by the end. anyway, i kind of want to reread elena vanishing now. 😤
January 21, 2021
This is hard to rate... I would say 2.5 stars. There is so much great information and many touching scenes embedded in this book, but I think at almost 600 pages it just needed a way better editor. It was almost torturous to get through: winding, confusing, and bogged down by all the extraneous tidbits and offshoots.
The author’s relating of her own childhood experiences and career/ personal goals; the nightmarish journey of getting mixed medical advice from professionals on a completely unfamiliar diagnosis; and the wear and tear on family relationships that mental illness takes , all really resonated with me sharply despite the fact that I didn’t come away loving the book overall.
The author’s relating of her own childhood experiences and career/ personal goals; the nightmarish journey of getting mixed medical advice from professionals on a completely unfamiliar diagnosis; and the wear and tear on family relationships that mental illness takes , all really resonated with me sharply despite the fact that I didn’t come away loving the book overall.
April 17, 2020
I will admit that I skim-read some of this, butttt it was interesting enough
May 16, 2018
The book started out more like a memoir of the author's childhood, which could potentially be an interesting story, but it's not what I wanted to read. Fortunately, once the Elena story began, it was an engrossing one. It's always interesting to hear both sides of the story, and that's what you get if you've already read "Elena Vanishing."
February 6, 2015
*Disclosure: I read Elena Vanishing prior to reading Hope and Other Luxuries. This is definitely the order in which they are meant to be read. If you don't ever plan on reading Elena Vanishing, then you could start with this one, but I think it would leave you with missing pieces of the puzzle. It would be like reading Son having never read The Giver They are true companion books.*
My husband turned to me yesterday and said, "You've been reading that book forever, and you seem to be devouring it, but you never seem to get any further," and he was telling the truth. Normally, this would mean that a book was either so engrossing that I didn't really want to finish it, or that it was not worthy of five stars, but neither is true. I wanted to finish. Desperately. But after the initial good years, the background that one would not see in Elena Vanishing, you know what pain is in store, and no one in their right mind would want to run through it. Even being sure that (no spoiler here) the ending is hopeful, doesn't mean that you want to relive the very dark days before that hope comes to fruition.
While I noted above that this is a companion text in the truest sense, I'm not sure that everyone in the audience for Elena Vanishing is still part of the audience for Hope and Other Luxuries. I find myself in the periphery of the Venn diagram of these two books. I am not a teen, but I'm not much older than Elena at the end of the book. I'm not a mother, but I work every day with teenagers the same age as Elena during the Summer from Hell. I know that my teenagers on the cusp of graduating high school will identify strongly with Elena, even as she ages past them. I'm not as sure that they will identify strongly with Clare, but I hope that her voice will give them insight into the inner minds of their parents.
Getting to re-envision Elena's battle through Clare's perspective is incredibly powerful. The danger of her condition is (arguably) even clearer here than it was there, and so is the ease with which she obfuscates the danger. The book vividly captures the pain of living with a family member who's been stolen by their mental illness, and the fight to get them back.
There are muddy parts, where I don't recognize the characteristics Clare asserts she possesses, etc, but these characters are real people, so they don't fit into the neat boxes of the fictional worlds Clare creates. The juxtaposition of the control Clare can assert within her fiction, even as she claims her characters surprise her, and the lack of it that she is living with in reality is a strong motif. The writing that Clare does here can feel like a jewel-box of advice within an otherwise painful recollection of life's gathering tragedies. If she cherry-picked those vignettes, they would encompass a book of their own, and quite a good one too. I also feel like I have to go out and read the fiction she breathes to life because I already know these characters almost as well as I know the Dunkles.
My husband turned to me yesterday and said, "You've been reading that book forever, and you seem to be devouring it, but you never seem to get any further," and he was telling the truth. Normally, this would mean that a book was either so engrossing that I didn't really want to finish it, or that it was not worthy of five stars, but neither is true. I wanted to finish. Desperately. But after the initial good years, the background that one would not see in Elena Vanishing, you know what pain is in store, and no one in their right mind would want to run through it. Even being sure that (no spoiler here) the ending is hopeful, doesn't mean that you want to relive the very dark days before that hope comes to fruition.
While I noted above that this is a companion text in the truest sense, I'm not sure that everyone in the audience for Elena Vanishing is still part of the audience for Hope and Other Luxuries. I find myself in the periphery of the Venn diagram of these two books. I am not a teen, but I'm not much older than Elena at the end of the book. I'm not a mother, but I work every day with teenagers the same age as Elena during the Summer from Hell. I know that my teenagers on the cusp of graduating high school will identify strongly with Elena, even as she ages past them. I'm not as sure that they will identify strongly with Clare, but I hope that her voice will give them insight into the inner minds of their parents.
Getting to re-envision Elena's battle through Clare's perspective is incredibly powerful. The danger of her condition is (arguably) even clearer here than it was there, and so is the ease with which she obfuscates the danger. The book vividly captures the pain of living with a family member who's been stolen by their mental illness, and the fight to get them back.
There are muddy parts, where I don't recognize the characteristics Clare asserts she possesses, etc, but these characters are real people, so they don't fit into the neat boxes of the fictional worlds Clare creates. The juxtaposition of the control Clare can assert within her fiction, even as she claims her characters surprise her, and the lack of it that she is living with in reality is a strong motif. The writing that Clare does here can feel like a jewel-box of advice within an otherwise painful recollection of life's gathering tragedies. If she cherry-picked those vignettes, they would encompass a book of their own, and quite a good one too. I also feel like I have to go out and read the fiction she breathes to life because I already know these characters almost as well as I know the Dunkles.
June 30, 2015
‘Hope and Other Luxuries’ tells of the author’s experiences as she witnesses her daughter’s battle with Anorexia Nervosa. It explores her fears, hopes and own mental health over the years that her daughter struggles.
I particularly enjoyed reading this after reading ‘Elena Vanishing’, which tells the same story but through the daughter’s perspective. Both versions are very different, from style of writing to their actions and thoughts and feelings.
Alongside her perspective of Elena’s eating disorder, Clare includes her own, personal experiences with mental disorders and doctors. These are presented alongside scenes of her writing, clearly showing how all the events affected her career as an author as well as her coping strategies.
This was a powerfully affecting book. It really demonstrates the devastation that Anorexia Nervosa can cause, both in the individual and on their family. It shows that there is no straightforward cure and recovery can often be something very far away. The treatment of the family by the doctors and psychiatrist was also quite disturbing. As someone who considered a career in clinical psychology, the fact that some of the psychiatrists and psychologists that the Dunkle family went to completely disregarded the family and were even abusive in some situations was incredibly disheartening.
I would really recommend reading this book. It is a fascinating read and I really found myself getting fully invested in the family’s struggles. If you do read it, try and read ‘Elena Vanishing’, the companion novel. Together, the two books give a comprehensive picture of life with Anorexia Nervosa.
I particularly enjoyed reading this after reading ‘Elena Vanishing’, which tells the same story but through the daughter’s perspective. Both versions are very different, from style of writing to their actions and thoughts and feelings.
Alongside her perspective of Elena’s eating disorder, Clare includes her own, personal experiences with mental disorders and doctors. These are presented alongside scenes of her writing, clearly showing how all the events affected her career as an author as well as her coping strategies.
This was a powerfully affecting book. It really demonstrates the devastation that Anorexia Nervosa can cause, both in the individual and on their family. It shows that there is no straightforward cure and recovery can often be something very far away. The treatment of the family by the doctors and psychiatrist was also quite disturbing. As someone who considered a career in clinical psychology, the fact that some of the psychiatrists and psychologists that the Dunkle family went to completely disregarded the family and were even abusive in some situations was incredibly disheartening.
I would really recommend reading this book. It is a fascinating read and I really found myself getting fully invested in the family’s struggles. If you do read it, try and read ‘Elena Vanishing’, the companion novel. Together, the two books give a comprehensive picture of life with Anorexia Nervosa.
December 22, 2015
Like Elena Vanishing, Hope and Other Luxuries is the story of a teenage girl with anorexia- told
from her mother Clare’s perspective.
Clare Dunkle interested me most about this book. I have read several stories and memoirs written by people with eating disorders, but I hadn’t really considered how an eating disorder affects every single person in a family.
Throughout Hope, Clare shares her own story, explaining how she wanted to be the perfect mother to her two daughters, Valerie and Clare. On the outside, her life is perfect; Clare is married, she’s a successful author and her daughters are healthy- until they’re not. While Elena’s story focuses mostly on her experience, Clare’s memoir also touches on Valerie’s depression, her husband’s worry and Clare’s own struggle to keep her family together, keep her daughter in treatment, and keep her head afloat.
Like her daughter, Clare pours her heart into her memoir. At times, it is difficult to read and at times, I am overwhelmed with Clare’s depictions of love and concern for her family. I have a new admiration for mothers, and especially for mothers of those with eating disorders. Hope and Other Luxuries, like Elena Vanishing, was a touching, honest and engrossing read. Because of the viewpoint, this book may be best appreciated by older teens, parents, and those who work with
young people. Although this book can stand alone, read alongside Elena Vanishing, it creates a more
complete picture of life with an eating disorder.
*My business received a copy of this book for author interviews and reviews.
from her mother Clare’s perspective.
Clare Dunkle interested me most about this book. I have read several stories and memoirs written by people with eating disorders, but I hadn’t really considered how an eating disorder affects every single person in a family.
Throughout Hope, Clare shares her own story, explaining how she wanted to be the perfect mother to her two daughters, Valerie and Clare. On the outside, her life is perfect; Clare is married, she’s a successful author and her daughters are healthy- until they’re not. While Elena’s story focuses mostly on her experience, Clare’s memoir also touches on Valerie’s depression, her husband’s worry and Clare’s own struggle to keep her family together, keep her daughter in treatment, and keep her head afloat.
Like her daughter, Clare pours her heart into her memoir. At times, it is difficult to read and at times, I am overwhelmed with Clare’s depictions of love and concern for her family. I have a new admiration for mothers, and especially for mothers of those with eating disorders. Hope and Other Luxuries, like Elena Vanishing, was a touching, honest and engrossing read. Because of the viewpoint, this book may be best appreciated by older teens, parents, and those who work with
young people. Although this book can stand alone, read alongside Elena Vanishing, it creates a more
complete picture of life with an eating disorder.
*My business received a copy of this book for author interviews and reviews.
April 8, 2017
As a young woman who's struggled with anorexia for seven years, to my own surprise I enjoyed (though I'm not sure that's an accurate word to use) this memoir more than I did "Elena Vanishing".
I always appreciate being able to gain a family member's perspective on experiencing a loved one with mental illness - not just eating disorders. I'm an empathetic person and just as I wish my family to understand where I'm coming from, I think it'd be unfair if I didn't try the same.
I bought this book as a Christmas present for my mom, but I wanted to read it first. And it's a heavy book (in several meanings of the word) but I finished it in...two days, I think? It might have taken less time if not due to personal matters.
I am very grateful for this book, and it was worth buying. I can say this with confidence, even though my anxiety around spending money is horrid. "Hope" is wonderfully written, insightful, and though it is terribly long, it's length wasn't a burden. Especially as a writer myself, when her daughter's eating disorder wasn't center-stage, I still felt a connection to Dunkle.
I'd highly recommend this book. Every family and sufferer's experience with an eating disorder is different, but I do think this is a wonderful and candid perspective that I feel has helped ME, and I'm sure it has and will help others as well.
I always appreciate being able to gain a family member's perspective on experiencing a loved one with mental illness - not just eating disorders. I'm an empathetic person and just as I wish my family to understand where I'm coming from, I think it'd be unfair if I didn't try the same.
I bought this book as a Christmas present for my mom, but I wanted to read it first. And it's a heavy book (in several meanings of the word) but I finished it in...two days, I think? It might have taken less time if not due to personal matters.
I am very grateful for this book, and it was worth buying. I can say this with confidence, even though my anxiety around spending money is horrid. "Hope" is wonderfully written, insightful, and though it is terribly long, it's length wasn't a burden. Especially as a writer myself, when her daughter's eating disorder wasn't center-stage, I still felt a connection to Dunkle.
I'd highly recommend this book. Every family and sufferer's experience with an eating disorder is different, but I do think this is a wonderful and candid perspective that I feel has helped ME, and I'm sure it has and will help others as well.
July 8, 2015
This memoir is haunting, beautiful, and hard to forget. From the outside, Clare's life seems perfect. She has a great job as children's book author and is raising her two smart and talented daughters in Germany with her loving husband. Clare's story shows us that even when you think everything is perfect, something can happen that can turn your whole world upside down. This book traces Clare's oldest daughter Valerie's battles with depression and mental illness and her youngest daughter Elena's life with anorexia, the eating disorder that almost kills her. Clare does not sugar coat any part of her story, and you can hear her despair and desperation in every word. It is both inspiring and heartbreaking to read about how hard Clare fights for her daughter's health, even when it seems like Elena will never recover. I highly recommend this book to all readers!
Laura W. / Marathon County Public Library
Find this book in our library catalog.
May 13, 2015
I received a free copy of this book from Goodreads First Reads, Thank you!
This book is not necessarily a genre I usually read, but I do read anything and everything so I thought "Why not?" I'm very glad I did, as it was one of the most thought-provoking books I've read this year.
The story is mostly about Elena, the authors daughter who struggles with a rape that happened when she was 13, and subsequently struggles with anorexia nervosa. The author helps her daughter with the struggle by paying for treatment facilities, trying to understand her daughter's thoughts and feelings, as well as ultimately trying a sort of 'tough love' approach.
I feel like this book helped me to understand people who suffer from this disorder a little better. My sympathies go out to all families who have suffered from anorexia, including my own families loss of a shining star who was gone too soon. So thank you Ms. Dunkle, for helping Elena tell her story and for telling yours in such an honest and compelling way.
This book is not necessarily a genre I usually read, but I do read anything and everything so I thought "Why not?" I'm very glad I did, as it was one of the most thought-provoking books I've read this year.
The story is mostly about Elena, the authors daughter who struggles with a rape that happened when she was 13, and subsequently struggles with anorexia nervosa. The author helps her daughter with the struggle by paying for treatment facilities, trying to understand her daughter's thoughts and feelings, as well as ultimately trying a sort of 'tough love' approach.
I feel like this book helped me to understand people who suffer from this disorder a little better. My sympathies go out to all families who have suffered from anorexia, including my own families loss of a shining star who was gone too soon. So thank you Ms. Dunkle, for helping Elena tell her story and for telling yours in such an honest and compelling way.
March 14, 2016
Wow, this was long. Clare elaborated on even the smallest memory - ranging from her past, to her daughters history, to... Well, anything. It's obvious she is a novelist outside of this book, it is novelistically written for a non-fiction.. however, I found myself really disliking her daughter, Elena, and the narrator, Clare herself, too. I found it extremely hard to sympathise with the story (why? It's a rape/anorexic sufferers story?? Do I even have a heart??) but it left me feeling bored and then heartless for thinking that way.
And felt like it took forever to finish, but even after all that I really quite liked it still?
Clare B Dunkle, I still don't really know what your book made me feel but still, nice work.
And felt like it took forever to finish, but even after all that I really quite liked it still?
Clare B Dunkle, I still don't really know what your book made me feel but still, nice work.
June 20, 2017
'Hope and Other Luxuries' is a book that I will never forget. I originally read 'Elena Vanishing' which was also a memoir written from Claire Dunkle's daughter's point of view. After reading that amazing book, I knew I needed to read this one.
This book is written from the mother's (author) point of view. Because of this, the book is so raw and authentic. I had a hard time putting it down.
Claire is the mother of her two daughters Elena and Valerie. Elena has anorexia and it's been a constant battle. This book shows what it's like behind closed doors. Recovery isn't all rainbows and smiles. It's so much harder than people realize. This novel portrays this perfectly and in a way that's unique. I think everyone needs to take on this book. You will not regret it.
This book is written from the mother's (author) point of view. Because of this, the book is so raw and authentic. I had a hard time putting it down.
Claire is the mother of her two daughters Elena and Valerie. Elena has anorexia and it's been a constant battle. This book shows what it's like behind closed doors. Recovery isn't all rainbows and smiles. It's so much harder than people realize. This novel portrays this perfectly and in a way that's unique. I think everyone needs to take on this book. You will not regret it.
July 21, 2017
*******Listened to audiobook
Clare B. Dunkle is a beautiful writer. This book is very hard to listen to because of the pain she went through trying to save Elena, her daughter who suffers from anorexia nervosa. Clare writes about her coping mechanisms, her writing career and her need to create order and make plans. She explains the torment of not knowing if her daughter is going to die, the turmoil it causes her and her family and the strength she and Elena both show. As a parent , it's heart breaking at times and sweet at times, but so well written.
Abby Craven did an incredible job narrating. Her lyrical voice was like music, a painfully beautiful song of a mother who would do anything for her daughter.
Happy reading!
Clare B. Dunkle is a beautiful writer. This book is very hard to listen to because of the pain she went through trying to save Elena, her daughter who suffers from anorexia nervosa. Clare writes about her coping mechanisms, her writing career and her need to create order and make plans. She explains the torment of not knowing if her daughter is going to die, the turmoil it causes her and her family and the strength she and Elena both show. As a parent , it's heart breaking at times and sweet at times, but so well written.
Abby Craven did an incredible job narrating. Her lyrical voice was like music, a painfully beautiful song of a mother who would do anything for her daughter.
Happy reading!
August 1, 2017
It's not often that I cannot finish a book. Even if I don't like it, I muscle it out and finish it. But this one? I had no interest in finishing, no hope it would get better. It struck me as the narcissistic ramblings of a person with potential Munchhausen by Proxy (having read "Vanishing", and loved it, I know this is not the case).
This simply felt like it needed a LOT of editing. "Elena Vanishing" was so well-written and focused that this so-called 'companion story' fell flat. The author rambles on about many parts of her life that have nothing to do with her daughter, or her daughter's illness. Really, it struck me as the ramblings of a woman trying to shift the spotlight to her rather than her daughter.
This simply felt like it needed a LOT of editing. "Elena Vanishing" was so well-written and focused that this so-called 'companion story' fell flat. The author rambles on about many parts of her life that have nothing to do with her daughter, or her daughter's illness. Really, it struck me as the ramblings of a woman trying to shift the spotlight to her rather than her daughter.
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