The ADHD Vampire

by Matthew Vaughn

ADHD Vampire

A cruise ship for retired sex addicts, The U.S.S. Exciter, is the site of a party a lot of people on board will never forget (but some of them will, anyway). Lurking in the cargo hold is Horace Dracul, half-brother of the legendary Dracula, and he dreams of reaching the shores of a country where the blood flows like wine, and bright, shiny lights are seemingly infinite. However, another member of the Exciter’s well-aged population has some secrets of her own: Martha—retired cyborg and ex-spy.

In the grand tradition of slasher-horror literature in which a lot of people are murdered in gruesome ways, The U.S.S. Exciter will host an orgy of violence and sex toys, and an easily-distracted vampire named Horace might have himself a bloody-good time.

Genres: Horror, Bizarro Fiction, Humor, Fiction

82 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 16, 2015

About the author

Matthew Vaughn lives in Shelbyville, Kentucky. He is the father of three little girls and a little boy, yet he and his wife are just big kids too. By day he maintains machines and robots, but, by night he is a writer of Horror and Bizarro fiction. You can keep up with his work at http://mcvaughn.wordpress.com/ or on Facebook. Check out my Amazon page here http://www.amazon.com/Matthew-Vaughn/...

Reviews

[Janie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Knock knock. Who's there? Why, it's Horace Dracul, brother of the sharp-minded Vlad! Brother Horace is a deadly vampire like his brother, but his mind is ... hey, what's that? Shiny! Oh... yeah, Horace has ADHD. He can't multitask. When faced with a boatload of geriatric vacationers, Vlad has his hands, teeth and mind full. What kind of party is this? And what's that pretty flashing thing? Apparently, this is no snooze cruise. The oldsters are having big fun, with bloomers flying, diapers falling off and dildos vibrating. The captain is getting more old lady action than Skwisgaar Skwigelf (Metalocalypse, anyone?). Horace has no problem finding three brides to join him in his gleeful reign of bloody confusion. If the following line puts a smile on your face, there is a very good chance that you will enjoy this book: "The room smelled like sweat, Bengay, diapers, and ass." Did I mention dentures? Apparently, they too can grow fangs! Just don't get them caught in your prey, or you may end up gumming it. Just one more thing: there is an aged cyborg aboard the vessel. Who will be the last survivor? Will Horace manage to tear his gaze away from that flashing radar in time to take action? You'll have a blast finding out!

[Jeff O'Brien · Rating 4 out of 5]

Imagine Lemon Party, but with women and vampires added to the mix. I was surprised that the story revolved more around elderly people having crazy sex than it did around the antagonist's ADHD. Surprised, yes. Disappointed, no. I'm pretty sure I got a boner every time there was mention of adult diapers. And believe me, there were a lot of adult diapers in this book.

The only thing I was left wanting for was a little more backstory on Martha, a retired cyborg-spy. Otherwise, this is just one of those quick little novelettes that you can kick back and enjoy the shit out of, if you're a sick fuck like me. There is gore a plenty, and laughs to make it all go down easy. So stop being a putz and read it!

[Jason · Rating 4 out of 5]

A cracking short story, vampires, cyborgs, diapers, granny sex and face dildos....this book has the lot.

The are two main characters, Horace the ADHD vampire whose distractions are well written and Martha 83 yr old ex-spy with some kick ass fighting skills.

The story is a fun read, I do worry for the authors Internet Browsing history....I hope he has a buddy on stand by to destroy his PC on his death.

Have a read and get grossed out.

[Mike · Rating 3 out of 5]

Vampires and a Cyborg and Sex Crazed Old People, Oh My. All stuck on a cruise ship. You get the idea. A good quick read and on sale for only $0.99. I gave The ADHD Vampire 3 1/2 stars.

[Tom Lucas · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are a bit tired of the typical vampire fare – sexy vamps, teenage angst vamps, zombie vamps, Will Smith, etc. – but love the genre, I humbly present this quick and funny read from Matthew Vaughn.

Although filled with the ludicrous story elements that make a bizarro book great: things like geriatric swingers, cyborg grannies, and the books’ titular monster (a vampire with honest-to-goodness ADHD), what impressed me the most about the book was that it was clear that the author had done his research.

If you know your Dracula, if you have read the source material that is so often ignored by those who pen blood-sucker stories, you will be most pleased by the fact that although the book is a lightning fast kill-fest where you meet a character just in time to watch them become lunch, it honors the core material and mythology. I found this to be a pleasant surprise. I wish more authors would take the time to go to the origins of a genre before spitting out some inbred trope nightmare.

It’s a fast read. Vaughn doesn’t dwell in any scene for long, but for a story such as this, it’s obviously appropriate (yes, that’s an ADHD joke). The narrative moves and never takes a breath. Jokes come in and you’re barely done laughing until the next one hits you. There’s plenty of blood and gore and sexy as you buzzsaw through the story.

I had a great time with this book and I look forward to seeing what Mr. Vaughn does next.

[Russell Holbrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dude, this book is awesome! It's full of awesomeness from the first word to the last! Now I want to be a vampire!! :D
Seriously, though, this is a wonderful little story with one of the funniest, dorkiest, most-likeable protagonists that the author has ever created. Actually, I really liked all of the characters. Even though it's a total gore-fest, this book is really warm and fun. You should read it and then you'll want to be a vampire too! :)

[Brigit (Cosy.horror.corner) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely get the Deluxe version (2023 release) as we get a back story of Martha, one of the coolest characters who is a retired ex-spy cyborg.

I went in blind and my facial expressions were stretched all over. You'll have a lot of fun with this! I didn't read the synopsis, thinking it was just an adhd vampire, and it felt like everything but that, well, a bit of vampire.

I loved the ridiculousness of it all. I loved the extreme erotic descriptions of geriatric orgies and other age-related humours. I loved the action scenes the most, and some of the body horror was so funny! For example:

"Estelle punched the screaming old lady so hard her head ripped off her neck and went flying behind her. The head hit another old man standing in nothing but stained tighty-whities."

Other than that, I probably struggled with the excessive wrinkly erotica (but I mean I get that it's the point) and the "shiny" trope of the adhd vampire character. As adhd involves a lot more than that, but I get it, it's a paranormal comedy horror slasher. And you'll be flabbergasted from page 1! Enjoy!

[Donald Armfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

A load full of laughs.....well if you think old people having sex and a vampire that can seem to focus on sucking the blood of his victims. Then this novella is for you.

A senior cruise ship gets his adult diapers littered with a heart attack of laughter that Vaughn tells with a fresh new look at vampires. Bloody gore crazy fun packed into a read you won't be able to but down. Wait was that a ship....Set sail you're in for one heck of a read!!!

[Christopher Payne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A cruise ship for retired sex addicts, The U.S.S. Exciter, is the site of a party a lot of people on board will never forget (but some of them will, anyway). Lurking in the cargo hold is Horace Dracul, half-brother of the legendary Dracula, and he dreams of reaching the shores of a country where the blood flows like wine, and bright, shiny lights are seemingly infinite. However, another member of the Exciter’s well-aged population has some secrets of her own: Martha—retired cyborg and ex-spy.
In the grand tradition of slasher-horror literature in which a lot of people are murdered in gruesome ways, The U.S.S. Exciter will host an orgy of violence and sex toys, and an easily-distracted vampire named Horace might have himself a bloody-good time.

[DA · Rating 4 out of 5]

I grabbed this book because of the title and because I enjoyed other books I've read from this author. What a wild time this book is. I want to say a lot but I don't want to spoil it.
I'll just say it brought back memories of when I worked in a photo lab back in my 20s and unfortunately saw pictures of a naked senior citizens cruise. Thanks for that Mr Vaughn!
Horace is the most wacky and endearing vampire I've ever read about.
You get blood, you get comedy, you get geriatric orgies. What more could you want? This is bizarro at it's best.

[Kris Lugosi · Rating 3 out of 5]

So this is basically the story of Dracula's lame brother who so happens to be afflicted with ADHD....the premise really did sound fun and super campy, but it fell a bit short for me.

Horace Dracul is awaken on a seniors citizen cruise ship, where his thirst for blood is only overshadowed by his, oooh somin shiny, complex. The guy just can't stay fucking focus, which is funny once you get in the swing of the book, but in the beginning Horace's lack of focus sounds more like the author is jumping around and can't keep on track, which if ya think about it, is quite genius if you are going to write about an ADHD vampire, just the delivery of the character's actions gave more confusion than it did clarify the vampire has a focusing problem. Again, once ya get past that and fall into the plot you get what the author is doing.

So our bumbling vamp is awaken, and decides to turn the crew and patrons into his own personal buffet. That is after turning a few choice senior ladies into the equivalence of his own brides. The Brides of Horace...def. doesn't have the same ring to it but I do find it funny that instead of being the debonair, sexy, tall, dark and handsome presence that is brother is, poor Horace is so on the opposite spectrum that his harem must consist of super old women who would break a hip with a single step if it wasn't for being turned. I was actually put off by the whole senior cruise idea, especially with the fucking and shitting going on on the ship, but I give Vaughn credit for sticking with it. The side stories of each senior and what they are doing on the ship before they inevitably meet their demise, aren't bad and make for a well rounded read for a 73 page story.

Another element of the plot (which at first I wasn't buying into) is the character of 84 year old retired secret agent Martha who seems to be in quite good shape according to the Captain. Well, you would be too, if you were part cyborg....yeah, this little nugget of information isn't really expanded on till the end, but it does exist. Martha's special abilities come into play after her romp in the captain's cabin when she witnesses one of the brides feast upon her cruise ship lover. With her incredible fighting skills and strength she sets off to destroy the vampires. Just goes to show you can take the agent outta the gal but you can't take the gal outta the agent...or somin like that... I'll be honest, Martha's fight scenes with the brides is pretty badass. The image Vaughn evoked wasn't as ridiculous as it really could be, but like I said badass in it's delivery.

So there you have it! A second rate Vampire whose self image is over shadowed by his famous brother's attempt to take over an entire senior cruise ship with a cyborg ex secret agent standing in his way, will Horace stay focused enough to implement his plans? Will Martha be able to defeat the creature that took her true love away from her? Read THE ADHD VAMPIRE to find out...I did and didn't mind it. I will say that the length is a acceptable for a story like this. Anymore and I don't think I would have paid attention as much.

[Marvin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Horace Dracul is the half-brother of Dracula. His more legendary sibling didn't think much of him and now it is Horace's time to conquer and devour the humans. His coffin is discovered and opened on the deck of a cruise ship catering to the sexual whims of the geriatric crowd. Horace, despite his short attention span and difficulty staying on task, plans to have a splendid meal of the senior citizens and might even turn a few into his brides. However Martha, a retired cyborg spy, is about to make his dream of conquest a very difficult one.

OK. First impression of The ADHD Vampire. This is silly. Second impression. This is fun! Third impression. Does this cruise ship actually exist sans vampire? Where does a senior citizen sign up? Fourth impression. This is really silly. Fifth and final impression. I'm gonna read it again!

Matthew Vaughn specializes in silly. He does it well and is not afraid to push the envelope. Sometimes he just doesn't push the envelope but drags it screaming into the pool and holds its head under the water, laughing at the bubbles. Actually, he does that a lot. This funny novel is full of kink and gore yet it is the type of comic violence that works as an escape for the reader. It's hard to take a senior citizen cyborg spy vs. attention-deficit vampire too seriously. This is fantasy, folks! For its 88 pages, the novella stays at full speed ahead until all the damage and violence is done and the reader gets a few laughs and groans for his money.

The ADHD Vampire works best as a romp. It is an easy night's read for most readers. It is funny in a gross sort of way and is clearly not for the easily offended and squeamish. Yet I like the author's just-throw it-out-there style which I suspect is as fun to write as to read.While it is not as over-the-top as his Mother F'ing Black Skull of Death, it is still pretty wild. What both books have in common beside the extreme sex and violence is that there is no attempt at a social message. It is just meant to be an entertaining ride. I think I liked The ADHD Vampire a little more, ironically because it is slightly less extreme than his other novel. But be aware. That "slightly less extreme" is a judgement call.

So here's the bottom line. Don't like gore and violence or you don't have a twisted sense of humor? Stay away. But if you do, read it. And if you don't have a twisted sense of humor, why are you reading a review of something called The ADHD Vampire in the first place?

[Rodney · Rating 4 out of 5]

The ADHD vampire takes place on an aptly named cruise ship for sex addicted retirees called the U.S.S. Exciter, (yes really!). One of the passengers on the cruise ship unfortunately discovers Horace Dracul in a crate located in the cargo area, and the cruise then takes a bloody turn for the worse. Throughout, Horace tries hard to be the hardcore villain that his legendary half-brother Dracula is known to be, but he has a host of hurdles in the way. ADHD is just one of the many. His tendency to be easily distracted is one of the things that maintained the lighter, humorous tone of the book. The scenes involving the geriatric sex addicts were also pretty damn funny, sometimes a bit cringe-worthy. The train wreck analogy works well here.
This playful, bloody, slasher is a solid debut from Matthew Vaughn.

[Spooky Little Book Nerd · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was bonkers! If you’re looking for a wild, raunchy, hilarious, and disgusting horror novella…look no further!

Horace is such a fun character and I really wish the focus was more on him. The idea of a vampire with ADHD was genius! He’d open his mouth to bite a victim and then movement would catch his attention and he’d drop them. He’d grab the person who made the move, then the first victim would move and catch his attention. I am also very easily distracted so I could relate to that.

Then add in Martha, a retired cyborg ex-spy who is just trying to enjoy vacation. She knows something is going on but she’s really trying to stay out of it.

This is such a chaotic, fun read that doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s fast paced and full of humor and wild scenes. It’s definitely a unique vampire story.

[Edward · Rating 4 out of 5]

full disclosure: the adhd vampire was written by my brother. however, i had nothing to do with the book. no editing, no proofreading, not even a beta read. this review is for the final product.



The ADHD Vampire is a hilarious, action packed, and a little gross, ride on a sex crazed cruise ship. There's an old lady cyborg, orgies with wrinkled, sagging bodies, and a vampire with an attention problem. It has plenty of action and blood and, like I said before, lots of sex. The first couple chapters alone will have you belly laughing at wet fart jokes.

Matthew can write some pretty graphic scenes and would have no problem in the extreme horror genre if he decided to give it go. Some of the sex scenes, especially the orgy scene, may have you cringing. He writes a fast paced story that races to a action packed ending. Probably the only negative I would give it is that I think it could have been edited a little better in some areas and opened up a bit, but nothing too distracting. All in all it's a good book worth checking out if your a fan of Bizarro fiction.

[Mac Taylor · Rating 1 out of 5]

Edgy, 15 year old gross-out fiction. But not good.

If it were possible to give this zero stars, I would.
It reads like something written by an edgy 15 year old back in the nineties who watched nothing but Andrew Dice Clay.
I love vampires, weird fiction, and I'm ADHD, so I thought this would be right up my alley, but instead it's all just jokes about dicks, saggy boobs, shit, and sex, filled with homophobia, mocking the old, mocking little people, and the author's entire conception of ADHD is "ooh shiny". It's not even offensive, it's just bad.

For anyone older than 15, skip it. For all the <15 year old boys out there, you're gonna love it.

[KATHERINE PARKER · Rating 4 out of 5]

Matthew Vaughn's The ADHD Vampire is a trippy, lewd, bloody, disgusting good time. If you're into gory, inappropriate humor, you'll find the book amusing and enjoyable - and if you don't get a lot of reading time or have a touch of ADHD yourself, then you'll find the length of the book just about perfect. Coming in at just under 75 pages, I was able to read the book in just a couple of hours.

This isn't the kind of book that houses complex characters or character development, but it doesn't need it. This is a quick dose of fun, like an afternoon at a gory amusement park. The only thing that draws away from the book is that it could have used one more round of editing to touch up on some technical errors and punch up the prose just a touch. There are some places where just a smidge (I do mean smidge) more word economy would have punched-up the pacing, but over-all I was pleased with the final product. (I've read a lot of indie and small press books that needed a lot more final polishing than ADHDV.)

For a fickle bizarro fan such as myself, ADHDV served as the perfect amount of weird, funny, bloody, and unique at just the right length to avoid outside distraction.

[Monica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I knew right away I was going to love this book. It's freaking hilarious. This takes place on an orgy cruise ship for the elderly. Lots of mentions of diapers and gumming, if you catch my drift. Elizabeth Demetrios is another new to me narrator, probably because a cursory glance at her Audible credits shows she mostly narrates cozy mysteries and shifter romance, but I like her. Anyway, everything is hunky dory for the horny old people right up until someone opens a crate in the cargo hold containing a dangerous stowaway. Did you know Dracula had a fuck up of a brother who dreams of his own bloody legacy? He is every bit as dangerous as his famous brother and has no trouble finding not one but three brides on the cruise ship, but he is endlessly distracted. ADHD vampire. But that doesn't stop him from wreaking havoc on the passengers of this ship. It's an all out blood sucking gore fest. And then as if this story didn't have enough WTF to go around, we meet Martha, the part cyborg octogenarian retired secret agent. Yeah, you read that right. Another ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ from me. This story is weird and disgusting and funny in a way that is totally on brand for Vaughn.

[Lia's Haunted Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay, how do I even begin to review this? First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever related to a vampire more—there’s a goal, sure, but sometimes the silliest distractions get in the way. Secondly, the next pet I adopt will definitely be named Martha (once you read it, you’ll understand why). And who knew I’d ever say, “I’m really enjoying a story about old people having sex, diapers, and Viagra,” but here we are.

LASTLY, IF I EVER END UP ON AN OLD PEOPLE SEX ORGY CRUISE AND A VAMPIRE TRIES TO KILL US ALL, I WILL BE SO PISSED.

I read the deluxe edition, which included two extra stories fleshing out the original, giving more background and a different POV. It was definitely fun to get that added depth.

[Wofford Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

Poor Horace Dracul, he only wants to be like his half-brother, Dracula. But it’s not easy being a vampire…especially when there are so many lights and sounds to steal your focus away from the prey you’re stalking. High praise for The ADHD Vampire. This is a story from the vampire universe that you have never read before. It is a very imaginative, hilarious and a bloody disgusting read with lots of interesting characters. Look out for Martha, a retired cyborg ex-spy with a vendetta of her own. I don’t know who is more powerful. Find out for yourself. This is something you can definitely sink your teeth into, even if you have dentures.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Horny geriatrics, a vampire that has trouble with focusing, amd a cruise ship in the middle of nowhere. This screams disaster, right? Well, it does, but it's also hella funny.

But this book is so much more than that. There's gold-flecked cum, a bionic spy, and a tonne of strippers. The entire story is just funny and weird, the best kind of bizarro, and anyone who'd read it would want to read all of the author's other books.

[Joe Ortlieb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not many people could write a story about old people in adult diapers having sex. Ok maybe some could but only Matt could pull off throwing a vampire and gore in and make you want to read it. This was a highly enjoyable read along with the two extra shorts. If you're a fan of Matt's work and haven't read this yet you need to fix that like now.

[Xavi (NarraTea) · Rating 1 out of 5]

1.5 Stars
By the premise, I thought this would be a great book to recommend for anyone looking to get into the Bizarro sub-genre, but sadly… it felt like a miss. Funny concept, cool idea for a memorable satiric work, but it just wasn’t well enough written for me to really like it.

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 Horace needed a bigger part in this story

[Crystal Cook · Rating 5 out of 5]

This story is ridiculous. It’s hilarious, violent, perverse and gross. I love it!

[Soffa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like it could have been slightly longer. It kinda felt like it was rushed.. I dunno

[Bradley Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Entertaining read that will leave you laughing. The only problem I had with it was the length of the book (it's very short).

[Sarthak Pranit · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thoroughly entertaining....and that's it.