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King Henry Tapes #5
The Foul Mouth and the Mancy Martial Artist
My name is King Henry Price.Yes, really. Think you'd be over that one by now . . .I'm the only freelance Artificer in the Western Hemisphere, crafting and experimenting to make objects of unique magical power. I'm also a geomancer, means I'm good at breaking metal, glass, and all the other important parts keep that box-like house over your head and not crashing down on it.Few months back I told my mentor and the money behind my Artificer shop to get lost. Told her I didn't need her any more. Some actions have unintended consequences. Got a new partner now, T-Bone I call him, even if he hates the nickname. Electromancer, makes him good with computers. Not sure what makes him good at business, probably being raised by an accountant.Rebuilt my shop again. One little fire-bombing, no big deal, right? Doing things MY way this time around, rebuilt it as a comic shop. Even got us a geeky employee at the cashbox knows too much about pop-culture for her own good. But that's just the front, the fake, the illusion. Real work is in the back. Selling artifacts to all comers now. Vampires, shapeshifters, mancers, don't got no choice.Can't complain. Business is booming. Life is good.Except for those unintended consequences . . .THE KING HENRY TAPESBook 1 - "The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady" (released)Book 2 - "The Foul Mouth and the Cat Killing Coyotes" (released)Book 3 - "The Foul Mouth and the Troubled Boomworm" (released)Book 4 - "The Foul Mouth and the Headless Hunny" (released)Book 5 - "The Foul Mouth and the Mancy Martial Artist" (released)Book 6 - "The Foul Mouth and the Pit of No Return" (released)Book 7 - "The Foul Mouth and the War to End All Wars (forthcoming)Book 8 - "The Foul Mouth and the Most Obvious Trap" (forthcoming)MancyVerse MomentsKing Henry and the Three Little Trips (released)Assault on Dread Fortress Paine (released)Glassbreaker Goes Home (released)The Everchanging Dilemma (releasing Feb 15th 2022)Vicky von Welf and the Mancy Masquerade (forthcoming)
670 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 21, 2015
58 people are currently reading
41 people want to read
About the author
Richard Raley
22 books191 followersRichard Raley was born and raised in Fresno, California and even still lives there on account of the city being an evil vortex you can't escape. He grew up on Star Wars, Transformers, Legos, and Everquest--he never escaped them either. His rise to fame/infamy began with "The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady", the first book of THE KING HENRY TAPES, an Urban Fantasy Series that has been described as "Harry Potter meets Pulp Fiction".
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July 5, 2019
Plutarch also brought out a few artifacts examples for me to see.
Which was a bribe.
But like with the beer I couldn't complain.
The way geo-anima had been laced and woven inside of those artifacts…it was like this heavy, anima-tight garment. Nothing could get through geo-anima that heavy, not if you did your job right and if you did your job right…what could you do with the other anima types then?
It was the prettiest string I'd seen since Ceinwyn had first told me about the Mancy. Something new that was mine. I felt like some king covetously claiming a crown on nothing but divine right. Mine. Born for it. King Henry Price was supposed to be an Artificer. It was happening…just had to learn the right words and the process of the coronation and the secret handshake and then…
I'd be so tied up I'd be little more than a slave.
But hey, nice crown, buddy.
Buy it on layaway?
~
I entered the huge arch that led from the hotel into the adult play-zone. The arch wasn't predictably following the snake motif, but had thirteen golden stars on each side, studded with thirteen different colors of spectro-light.
I gave a nod at the brown star.
Yes, I realize this could be a euphemism for my asshole.
My opinion on Geomancy is generally about the same as my opinion on my asshole. It stinks, but life would be far less fun without it. Not that I'm saying…just…to shit with. I like shitting. It was one fucking college girl that got way too explorative…just…know what? Let's forget I mentioned all this…
[CLICK]
Okay, so first thing I need to get off my chest…holy fuck is this thing long!! It is so long, so much longer than what I usually even like. At just a tit's hair under 700 pages, to me this felt like a goddamn epic, but it absolutely has to be. There is so much going on, two timelines going, dozens of balls in the air…it needs the girth. But even though it took me a solid week, now that it's over…all I want is more…
Alright, so tiny bit of overview, I'm certainly not getting into all of it, and the only reason I'm doing this much is for myself when I inevitably need the refresher before going into book 6.
Asylum timeline: Ultra Class '09 is just back from summer break. Going in as Pents, King Henry back from his cross-country road trip with Auntie Badass, fresh off a breakup with Val, finally going to get to the good stuff. Meet Plutarch, learn to be an Artificer, has a class of Intras to teach, and his very own apartment, no more living in the communal dorms. Obviously nothing goes smoothly, and the Three Queens make a play right out of the gate. My only complaint with this timeline is how it ends. On a big-ass cliffhanger. A lot of bad shit is alluded to have happened during their year as Pents through the books, but Session 56 ends with only a taste. Just the reasoning behind and the moves that led up to it. No fulfilling conclusions! But ya know what? That's okay…I can wait, I know it will be good so as long as it does get told, I'm okay with the few answers I did get about the Three Queens.
Kinda-Sorta-present-day-but-not-really timeline: We pick up just a few months after King Henry and Ceinwyn had their fallout in London. He's built his new shop, King Henry's Nerd Nirvana, comic book front this time around, he and Val breakup, and Pocket comes to town to pull KH out of the bottle he's crawled into. So King Henry, Pocket, and Tyson road trip to Vegas to distract King Henry…and predictably shit hits all the fans. Supernatural hotel, King Vega and JoJo, Eva, Jesus, Welf and Vicky, Jason Jackson, Isabel aka Soto Crazy, new Were Nation heads, plans put in motion by The Curator, and a small dream run-in with Meteyos. So much happens in their like maybe week-long stay. Lots of secrets revealed, more questions with answers that will need to be stolen. But I loved Pocket and Jesus, and Vicky and Tyson. Welf is weirdly growing on me. The shit with Isabel is a major mind fuck, but I almost feel bad for her. I got a little teary-eyed at the funeral scene, and I'm hoping for the best regarding Eva, I always liked her. I do wish King Henry and Ceinwyn would make-up already though, it feels wrong that they're at odds with each other.
So all and all, it was a hell of a ride. Long, yes, but absolutely worth it. I can't wait to see what happens next, even though now I have more questions and there are just so many new pieces on the game board. I think I'll go to hit up the shorts next though, I feel like some more pieces will fall into place once I read them. But I loved it, I want more. Definitely my favorite series told strictly from a male MC's POV, though that list is pretty short, but it's also probably one of my favorite series, period. It's just so different and engaging. It's really not that hard to imagine that it could be real, magic managed by bureaucracy. So more please…even if King Henry can't make any more tentacle-porn jokes…
You know the drill, spoilers below…I tried to keep them little or to just shit you would already know by now being 5 books deep, but I'm sure some probably slipped through…
Under no impression I'd be able to sleep in, I went about the apartment trying to make it mine. Someone had thrown my personal supplies and knicknacks from the dorm room into a pair of bags, which I went through and categorized.
3 Cans of Coke
1 Box of Hair Pins
2 Tubes of KY Ointment
Always have a backup available, gentlemen. Only takes one raw dog experience going wrong to learn your lesson. Life ain't a porno, that spit trick they do is as fake as the tits.
Various Pictures of the Last Four Years
1 Wooden Frame with Ceinwyn Dale Original Artwork
5 Condoms of Various Sizes
No one gets pregnant at the Asylum, but just because Slush will cure hillbilly crabs in five seconds flat, that don't mean you want to have to visit Miss Strange to explain your predicament to her. Where were you in Kentucky, condoms? I needed you, man!
3 Nail Clippers
1 Copy of The Karma Sutra
1 Rolex Watch Engraved "Heinrich Von Welf"
If you put into place a plan where you convince a guy his girlfriend might be pregnant, you might as well make sure you're the only guy on campus with a pregnancy test beforehand. Welf really whined while giving up that watch…
1 Sock Full of Spare Change
1 Screwdriver
2 Scissors
3 Pairs of Panties, Owners Unknown
Yeah, yeah, I'm a man-whore.
1 LED Flashlight
1 Bra, Sized 34 DD, Stenciled M. Daniels
They grew and I have proof!
1 Half-filled Bottle of Tequila Hastily Relabeled as Vegetable Oil
1 Flashdrive Claimed to Get Trough the Great Firewall of Admin
Doesn't work.
1 Dog Collar
Don't ask.
1 Diploma, Folded Twice and Forgotten
Sex, thievery, and memories…so me.
I threw the cokes and booze in the fridge, put Ceinwyn's portrait of Mom and Dad on the bedside table, and tossed the rest back into the bags before throwing them into a cabinet drawer.
I went to the bathroom and took a shit. Pretty good shit. Top Quintile. Not having to share a communal bathroom with thirteen other guys would be a plus. I wiped and flushed.
Too much information, kiddies?
I mean, you're listening to a tape that's forcing me to recall all this shit, but I'm the pervert. Right. I took a shower. I peed in the shower. What you gonna do about it? My shower, bitch! Maybe I even whacked one out. Maybe I even thought about your mom. Uh, yeah, Kiddy's Mom, rub them MILF cankles together.
[CLICK]
I realize I might have crossed a line.
Let's pretend that never happened.
[CLICK]
~
"Yes," Welf grunted. "The Foul Mouth has always had more talent than he has sense."
"Shit…I'd say the same for you, Welf," I told him. "Especially since you got one of them monsters of your own now."
Welf's self-satisfied smirk returned. "Art, Price, she's a piece of art, not a monster."
'Price' now, after I proved I wasn't a total fuck-up as an Artificer, was it?
"Had some of them try to kill me a few months back," I pointed out. Fact I seemed to be doing shit while Welf was picking his own nose seemed to annoy Welf, so why not keep bringing things up? "I know exactly what they can do. You might keep this one pretty without all the spears and spikes and steel popping out of it, but I know what it's waiting to do if you need it to do it. Like civilization that way; all nice until it's three days without a shower."
"I always ask him who she was, but he'll never tell me," Veronica said, hand still playing with Welf's ring.
Hey, buddy! Can she play with me like that? Pretty please?
I told you to shut it!
Welf smiled for once. As always, it was a terrifying sight since he was so unpracticed at it. "It's disrespectful to tell. That life is over. Now she's only a tool of necro-anima. Unlike the vampires, we do not lust after the person who was, but make a clean break between that life and the Construct."
"You Bonegrinders got some religion going on with all your rules and shit, don't you?" I commented.
He nodded at me. "A motto at least: Death respects life and all sacrifices must be honored for the greater good."
Greater good.
Hate that bullshit.
Greater good is why me and Ceinwyn are fighting.
Greater good is why Val is in London.
Greater good is why I'm stuck in Fresno.
Greater good…what's wrong with some normal good?
"Well…don't make it attack me and we won't have a problem."
The Construct moved.
I flinched.
It pulled a phone out of its pocket and handed it to Welf. He checked it, gave it back. The self-satisfied smirk returned. "Thought I heard a text."
Fucking asshole.
What really pissed me off about it was…well, it was the kind of shit I usually did to him, but he's too stick-up-the-ass to ever do to me.
But he did it this time.
He just punked my bitch ass.
~
"T-Bone, I need to talk to you…urgently."
He peeked at his smart phone. No idea where it came from. His dick is so big it probably wears a fanny pack. "Day of Brawn starts in a couple hours. Can you leave for now and talk to me about it in the Welf box?"
"No."
T-Bone nodded towards Vicky. "Don't be like that."
"It's more important than you ravaging Vicky some more."
"You mean ravishing."
"Not with that thing it ain't. Tell me, do you have to claim it as a dependent on your taxes? Or does it make too much money?"
Vicky stood up on the bed, comforter sliding off her. The spectro-bloom dissipated. I was left with a quick glimpse of Welf ta-tas and everything else she had beneath, including a particularly well-shaved blonde landing strip.
I jerked my head to the side. "Blarg!" I yelled, having a stroke.
"I'm a woman, King Henry."
"Blarg!"
"I have needs and want and you're interrupting them."
"It's important!"
"Look I have breasts!"
"You do not! Don't say such things!"
"I cleaned up every bodily fluid imaginable last night," Vicky continued, "from you, no doubt. I walked in on you and found you passed out drunk, tied to a bed, with underwear on your head. We closed the door. We waited with worry for you. We realized we quite like each other and we quietly went to this room so we wouldn't wake you.
"We didn't barge in, start making cock jokes, and hang around to demand things from you!" she finished with a bit of temper.
"Vick-"
"If you don't leave this room, I'll start yelling 'vagina' at the top of my lungs and pelvic thrusting in your direction!"
"Okay! Okay!"
I slammed the door shut behind me.
"This shit keeps getting worse…"
~
"You're just telling me about this now?" T-Bone whispered, hands reaching out to actually grab me by the coat and shake me. "Are you insane?"
"No…she's insane. That's why I need backup. That's why I'm telling you," I reminded him. "And I seem to remember someone nodding along when Vicky gave her I Have Needs speech and was throwing her titties around to drive me backwards out of the room."
"They're really nice, King Henry…I like them." He frowned at himself. "She's really nice, King Henry…I like her."
"Yeah, well, since we can't tell her brother about it: if you break her heart, I'll kick your ass, T-Bone."
"Stop calling me that."
"Not while we're in the shit! When we're in the shit I need T-Bone the Stormcaller, not Tyson Bonnie the computer geek!"
~
"Yeah, guess I'm the dumbass now."
He grinned over that admission. "You're always the dumbass, sometimes we just try to rise to your level."
"Didn't want you guys to get hurt. Thought I could keep it contained. Thought I could handle it alone. Only it wasn't a small problem like I thought. Was a big problem. I don't know if telling you and Jesus would've mattered for Jason, but yeah…both of us should man up and stop with all the bullshit. Been coming to that realization since Val broke up with me…that secrets are shit and no matter how big they are, we got to start talking about them if we ever plan on fixing this fucked up situation we find ourselves in."
"Does this mean you'll finally tell me about how you snuck the strippers into the Asylum?"
"Really? All the shit to ask about and that's what you want to know first?"
"I don't have a bet with Jesus about all the crazy fairy stuff you don't talk about, but we have a hundred on the strippers, so…I'd like to buy some new shoes."
I glared at him some, realizing that somewhere in the conversation he'd taken it upon himself to make it his job cheering me up. Good friend, never deserved him and he never deserved having to put up with my shit.
~
Great, religious zealotry and shapeshifting. What a wonderful mix! I'm sure nothing will go wrong!
I gave him a long look. "What the fuck you Shift into? Liam Neeson?"
Master Zhou shook his head solemnly. "This secret is only revealed to those that reach the first rung."
"Guess I'll be finding out soon," I said with a snarl. "But not now. Not now…"
"Are you done?" Vega asked, for once showing enough emotion to indicate he wanted to strangle me.
"No," I told him.
"Who else is there to insult?"
"Hey, Igor?"
The Tsar was the only person nearby who was smiling at me. Guess it takes an outcast to appreciate another outcast telling the in-crowd that their shit stinks too. "Yes, King Henry?"
"You're fat," I told him.
He started coughing to cover up his laughter.
I turned back to Vega. "Insults. Checkmark. Now we move on."
~
"I-"
"Didn't think," Plutarch snapped at me. "Instead of showing the least bit of humility to another person, you made a deal with a wild concentration."
"You're the one who wanted me to ask for help," I sputtered.
"I wanted you to realize that you know exactly nothing about being an Artificer: about the dangers and the limitations and the requirements of the discipline and its need for aid from other mancers. A Forestplanter like your friend Pocket can go out and frolic in the trees for the rest of his life. You are part of a collective. You need to ask for help. You need thirteen anima types to do your job correctly."
"So what you're saying…" I deadpanned, "…lesson wasn't about asking for help?"
Plutarch's eye kept twitching. "I should retire. Leave you to Massey. Only I know he'd balls it up more than I already have."
"Please don't," I said. "I'd have to kill him."
We stared at each other for a long time.
Still waiting for the other to give in.
"I do stupid things all the time," I eventually admitted. "Start fights, fuck hillbillies, steal whatever ain't tied down. I can't be no Erikson or Massey or…one of the other twenty-billion students you've had."
Plutarch got a funny look on his face. "I wouldn't want you to be."
"But I'm smart," I continued, "I pick things up quick. Always had to do it that way to keep an edge. Anything you can teach, I can learn. All those books on the wall in your house? I'm gonna read the ones you let me read and I'm gonna steal the ones you say I can't read."
"I'll have to hide them," Plutarch said ruefully.
"Good luck with that."
He nodded. "We'll start tomorrow. Get some sleep, Junior."
Now it was my eye that twitched. "Stop calling me that."
A chuckle escaped Plutarch as he rose from the table. "It's not a slight, Junior. It's an honorific. Junior Member in Artifice. You're part of the team now, even if you don't want to be. Who knows? One day you might be Guild Master."
The horror at the idea must have shown through to my face, since Plutarch guffawed his way out my apartment door.
[CLICK]
Outside of my balls still being chafed to levels they haven't felt since I'd first figured out what masturbation was, I woke up feeling pretty good about myself following a short nap. A second shower helped me make sure all the grit and sand and leaves were where they were supposed to be down the drain and not on my body.
Can't say I've ever been the cleanest of persons, but I've never been a fan of nature. Especially when it starts talking to me. Plutarch don't scare me even when he's burying me, but Meteyos sure does. I felt like a child that had been scared straight off drugs. Here's a dead crackwhore, Timmy, just say no!
Here's a talking piece of eternal Earth and it wants your soul, King Henry, maybe instead of fighting with the nice black guy who wants to teach you to play well with others, we come to an understanding with him to avoid the sentient mountain, hmm?
Which was a bribe.
But like with the beer I couldn't complain.
The way geo-anima had been laced and woven inside of those artifacts…it was like this heavy, anima-tight garment. Nothing could get through geo-anima that heavy, not if you did your job right and if you did your job right…what could you do with the other anima types then?
It was the prettiest string I'd seen since Ceinwyn had first told me about the Mancy. Something new that was mine. I felt like some king covetously claiming a crown on nothing but divine right. Mine. Born for it. King Henry Price was supposed to be an Artificer. It was happening…just had to learn the right words and the process of the coronation and the secret handshake and then…
I'd be so tied up I'd be little more than a slave.
But hey, nice crown, buddy.
Buy it on layaway?
~
I entered the huge arch that led from the hotel into the adult play-zone. The arch wasn't predictably following the snake motif, but had thirteen golden stars on each side, studded with thirteen different colors of spectro-light.
I gave a nod at the brown star.
Yes, I realize this could be a euphemism for my asshole.
My opinion on Geomancy is generally about the same as my opinion on my asshole. It stinks, but life would be far less fun without it. Not that I'm saying…just…to shit with. I like shitting. It was one fucking college girl that got way too explorative…just…know what? Let's forget I mentioned all this…
[CLICK]
Okay, so first thing I need to get off my chest…holy fuck is this thing long!! It is so long, so much longer than what I usually even like. At just a tit's hair under 700 pages, to me this felt like a goddamn epic, but it absolutely has to be. There is so much going on, two timelines going, dozens of balls in the air…it needs the girth. But even though it took me a solid week, now that it's over…all I want is more…
Alright, so tiny bit of overview, I'm certainly not getting into all of it, and the only reason I'm doing this much is for myself when I inevitably need the refresher before going into book 6.
Asylum timeline: Ultra Class '09 is just back from summer break. Going in as Pents, King Henry back from his cross-country road trip with Auntie Badass, fresh off a breakup with Val, finally going to get to the good stuff. Meet Plutarch, learn to be an Artificer, has a class of Intras to teach, and his very own apartment, no more living in the communal dorms. Obviously nothing goes smoothly, and the Three Queens make a play right out of the gate. My only complaint with this timeline is how it ends. On a big-ass cliffhanger. A lot of bad shit is alluded to have happened during their year as Pents through the books, but Session 56 ends with only a taste. Just the reasoning behind and the moves that led up to it. No fulfilling conclusions! But ya know what? That's okay…I can wait, I know it will be good so as long as it does get told, I'm okay with the few answers I did get about the Three Queens.
Kinda-Sorta-present-day-but-not-really timeline: We pick up just a few months after King Henry and Ceinwyn had their fallout in London. He's built his new shop, King Henry's Nerd Nirvana, comic book front this time around, he and Val breakup, and Pocket comes to town to pull KH out of the bottle he's crawled into. So King Henry, Pocket, and Tyson road trip to Vegas to distract King Henry…and predictably shit hits all the fans. Supernatural hotel, King Vega and JoJo, Eva, Jesus, Welf and Vicky, Jason Jackson, Isabel aka Soto Crazy, new Were Nation heads, plans put in motion by The Curator, and a small dream run-in with Meteyos. So much happens in their like maybe week-long stay. Lots of secrets revealed, more questions with answers that will need to be stolen. But I loved Pocket and Jesus, and Vicky and Tyson. Welf is weirdly growing on me. The shit with Isabel is a major mind fuck, but I almost feel bad for her. I got a little teary-eyed at the funeral scene, and I'm hoping for the best regarding Eva, I always liked her. I do wish King Henry and Ceinwyn would make-up already though, it feels wrong that they're at odds with each other.
So all and all, it was a hell of a ride. Long, yes, but absolutely worth it. I can't wait to see what happens next, even though now I have more questions and there are just so many new pieces on the game board. I think I'll go to hit up the shorts next though, I feel like some more pieces will fall into place once I read them. But I loved it, I want more. Definitely my favorite series told strictly from a male MC's POV, though that list is pretty short, but it's also probably one of my favorite series, period. It's just so different and engaging. It's really not that hard to imagine that it could be real, magic managed by bureaucracy. So more please…even if King Henry can't make any more tentacle-porn jokes…
You know the drill, spoilers below…I tried to keep them little or to just shit you would already know by now being 5 books deep, but I'm sure some probably slipped through…
Under no impression I'd be able to sleep in, I went about the apartment trying to make it mine. Someone had thrown my personal supplies and knicknacks from the dorm room into a pair of bags, which I went through and categorized.
3 Cans of Coke
1 Box of Hair Pins
2 Tubes of KY Ointment
Always have a backup available, gentlemen. Only takes one raw dog experience going wrong to learn your lesson. Life ain't a porno, that spit trick they do is as fake as the tits.
Various Pictures of the Last Four Years
1 Wooden Frame with Ceinwyn Dale Original Artwork
5 Condoms of Various Sizes
No one gets pregnant at the Asylum, but just because Slush will cure hillbilly crabs in five seconds flat, that don't mean you want to have to visit Miss Strange to explain your predicament to her. Where were you in Kentucky, condoms? I needed you, man!
3 Nail Clippers
1 Copy of The Karma Sutra
1 Rolex Watch Engraved "Heinrich Von Welf"
If you put into place a plan where you convince a guy his girlfriend might be pregnant, you might as well make sure you're the only guy on campus with a pregnancy test beforehand. Welf really whined while giving up that watch…
1 Sock Full of Spare Change
1 Screwdriver
2 Scissors
3 Pairs of Panties, Owners Unknown
Yeah, yeah, I'm a man-whore.
1 LED Flashlight
1 Bra, Sized 34 DD, Stenciled M. Daniels
They grew and I have proof!
1 Half-filled Bottle of Tequila Hastily Relabeled as Vegetable Oil
1 Flashdrive Claimed to Get Trough the Great Firewall of Admin
Doesn't work.
1 Dog Collar
Don't ask.
1 Diploma, Folded Twice and Forgotten
Sex, thievery, and memories…so me.
I threw the cokes and booze in the fridge, put Ceinwyn's portrait of Mom and Dad on the bedside table, and tossed the rest back into the bags before throwing them into a cabinet drawer.
I went to the bathroom and took a shit. Pretty good shit. Top Quintile. Not having to share a communal bathroom with thirteen other guys would be a plus. I wiped and flushed.
Too much information, kiddies?
I mean, you're listening to a tape that's forcing me to recall all this shit, but I'm the pervert. Right. I took a shower. I peed in the shower. What you gonna do about it? My shower, bitch! Maybe I even whacked one out. Maybe I even thought about your mom. Uh, yeah, Kiddy's Mom, rub them MILF cankles together.
[CLICK]
I realize I might have crossed a line.
Let's pretend that never happened.
[CLICK]
~
"Yes," Welf grunted. "The Foul Mouth has always had more talent than he has sense."
"Shit…I'd say the same for you, Welf," I told him. "Especially since you got one of them monsters of your own now."
Welf's self-satisfied smirk returned. "Art, Price, she's a piece of art, not a monster."
'Price' now, after I proved I wasn't a total fuck-up as an Artificer, was it?
"Had some of them try to kill me a few months back," I pointed out. Fact I seemed to be doing shit while Welf was picking his own nose seemed to annoy Welf, so why not keep bringing things up? "I know exactly what they can do. You might keep this one pretty without all the spears and spikes and steel popping out of it, but I know what it's waiting to do if you need it to do it. Like civilization that way; all nice until it's three days without a shower."
"I always ask him who she was, but he'll never tell me," Veronica said, hand still playing with Welf's ring.
Hey, buddy! Can she play with me like that? Pretty please?
I told you to shut it!
Welf smiled for once. As always, it was a terrifying sight since he was so unpracticed at it. "It's disrespectful to tell. That life is over. Now she's only a tool of necro-anima. Unlike the vampires, we do not lust after the person who was, but make a clean break between that life and the Construct."
"You Bonegrinders got some religion going on with all your rules and shit, don't you?" I commented.
He nodded at me. "A motto at least: Death respects life and all sacrifices must be honored for the greater good."
Greater good.
Hate that bullshit.
Greater good is why me and Ceinwyn are fighting.
Greater good is why Val is in London.
Greater good is why I'm stuck in Fresno.
Greater good…what's wrong with some normal good?
"Well…don't make it attack me and we won't have a problem."
The Construct moved.
I flinched.
It pulled a phone out of its pocket and handed it to Welf. He checked it, gave it back. The self-satisfied smirk returned. "Thought I heard a text."
Fucking asshole.
What really pissed me off about it was…well, it was the kind of shit I usually did to him, but he's too stick-up-the-ass to ever do to me.
But he did it this time.
He just punked my bitch ass.
~
"T-Bone, I need to talk to you…urgently."
He peeked at his smart phone. No idea where it came from. His dick is so big it probably wears a fanny pack. "Day of Brawn starts in a couple hours. Can you leave for now and talk to me about it in the Welf box?"
"No."
T-Bone nodded towards Vicky. "Don't be like that."
"It's more important than you ravaging Vicky some more."
"You mean ravishing."
"Not with that thing it ain't. Tell me, do you have to claim it as a dependent on your taxes? Or does it make too much money?"
Vicky stood up on the bed, comforter sliding off her. The spectro-bloom dissipated. I was left with a quick glimpse of Welf ta-tas and everything else she had beneath, including a particularly well-shaved blonde landing strip.
I jerked my head to the side. "Blarg!" I yelled, having a stroke.
"I'm a woman, King Henry."
"Blarg!"
"I have needs and want and you're interrupting them."
"It's important!"
"Look I have breasts!"
"You do not! Don't say such things!"
"I cleaned up every bodily fluid imaginable last night," Vicky continued, "from you, no doubt. I walked in on you and found you passed out drunk, tied to a bed, with underwear on your head. We closed the door. We waited with worry for you. We realized we quite like each other and we quietly went to this room so we wouldn't wake you.
"We didn't barge in, start making cock jokes, and hang around to demand things from you!" she finished with a bit of temper.
"Vick-"
"If you don't leave this room, I'll start yelling 'vagina' at the top of my lungs and pelvic thrusting in your direction!"
"Okay! Okay!"
I slammed the door shut behind me.
"This shit keeps getting worse…"
~
"You're just telling me about this now?" T-Bone whispered, hands reaching out to actually grab me by the coat and shake me. "Are you insane?"
"No…she's insane. That's why I need backup. That's why I'm telling you," I reminded him. "And I seem to remember someone nodding along when Vicky gave her I Have Needs speech and was throwing her titties around to drive me backwards out of the room."
"They're really nice, King Henry…I like them." He frowned at himself. "She's really nice, King Henry…I like her."
"Yeah, well, since we can't tell her brother about it: if you break her heart, I'll kick your ass, T-Bone."
"Stop calling me that."
"Not while we're in the shit! When we're in the shit I need T-Bone the Stormcaller, not Tyson Bonnie the computer geek!"
~
"Yeah, guess I'm the dumbass now."
He grinned over that admission. "You're always the dumbass, sometimes we just try to rise to your level."
"Didn't want you guys to get hurt. Thought I could keep it contained. Thought I could handle it alone. Only it wasn't a small problem like I thought. Was a big problem. I don't know if telling you and Jesus would've mattered for Jason, but yeah…both of us should man up and stop with all the bullshit. Been coming to that realization since Val broke up with me…that secrets are shit and no matter how big they are, we got to start talking about them if we ever plan on fixing this fucked up situation we find ourselves in."
"Does this mean you'll finally tell me about how you snuck the strippers into the Asylum?"
"Really? All the shit to ask about and that's what you want to know first?"
"I don't have a bet with Jesus about all the crazy fairy stuff you don't talk about, but we have a hundred on the strippers, so…I'd like to buy some new shoes."
I glared at him some, realizing that somewhere in the conversation he'd taken it upon himself to make it his job cheering me up. Good friend, never deserved him and he never deserved having to put up with my shit.
~
Great, religious zealotry and shapeshifting. What a wonderful mix! I'm sure nothing will go wrong!
I gave him a long look. "What the fuck you Shift into? Liam Neeson?"
Master Zhou shook his head solemnly. "This secret is only revealed to those that reach the first rung."
"Guess I'll be finding out soon," I said with a snarl. "But not now. Not now…"
"Are you done?" Vega asked, for once showing enough emotion to indicate he wanted to strangle me.
"No," I told him.
"Who else is there to insult?"
"Hey, Igor?"
The Tsar was the only person nearby who was smiling at me. Guess it takes an outcast to appreciate another outcast telling the in-crowd that their shit stinks too. "Yes, King Henry?"
"You're fat," I told him.
He started coughing to cover up his laughter.
I turned back to Vega. "Insults. Checkmark. Now we move on."
~
"I-"
"Didn't think," Plutarch snapped at me. "Instead of showing the least bit of humility to another person, you made a deal with a wild concentration."
"You're the one who wanted me to ask for help," I sputtered.
"I wanted you to realize that you know exactly nothing about being an Artificer: about the dangers and the limitations and the requirements of the discipline and its need for aid from other mancers. A Forestplanter like your friend Pocket can go out and frolic in the trees for the rest of his life. You are part of a collective. You need to ask for help. You need thirteen anima types to do your job correctly."
"So what you're saying…" I deadpanned, "…lesson wasn't about asking for help?"
Plutarch's eye kept twitching. "I should retire. Leave you to Massey. Only I know he'd balls it up more than I already have."
"Please don't," I said. "I'd have to kill him."
We stared at each other for a long time.
Still waiting for the other to give in.
"I do stupid things all the time," I eventually admitted. "Start fights, fuck hillbillies, steal whatever ain't tied down. I can't be no Erikson or Massey or…one of the other twenty-billion students you've had."
Plutarch got a funny look on his face. "I wouldn't want you to be."
"But I'm smart," I continued, "I pick things up quick. Always had to do it that way to keep an edge. Anything you can teach, I can learn. All those books on the wall in your house? I'm gonna read the ones you let me read and I'm gonna steal the ones you say I can't read."
"I'll have to hide them," Plutarch said ruefully.
"Good luck with that."
He nodded. "We'll start tomorrow. Get some sleep, Junior."
Now it was my eye that twitched. "Stop calling me that."
A chuckle escaped Plutarch as he rose from the table. "It's not a slight, Junior. It's an honorific. Junior Member in Artifice. You're part of the team now, even if you don't want to be. Who knows? One day you might be Guild Master."
The horror at the idea must have shown through to my face, since Plutarch guffawed his way out my apartment door.
[CLICK]
Outside of my balls still being chafed to levels they haven't felt since I'd first figured out what masturbation was, I woke up feeling pretty good about myself following a short nap. A second shower helped me make sure all the grit and sand and leaves were where they were supposed to be down the drain and not on my body.
Can't say I've ever been the cleanest of persons, but I've never been a fan of nature. Especially when it starts talking to me. Plutarch don't scare me even when he's burying me, but Meteyos sure does. I felt like a child that had been scared straight off drugs. Here's a dead crackwhore, Timmy, just say no!
Here's a talking piece of eternal Earth and it wants your soul, King Henry, maybe instead of fighting with the nice black guy who wants to teach you to play well with others, we come to an understanding with him to avoid the sentient mountain, hmm?
May 25, 2015
Wow, just wow....
I have been painfully waiting for this book and it did not disappoint. The world gets deeper and darker, while we get a better understanding of the different forces working. It was good to have some of his classmates back in the mix and learned a lot more about the Mancy. Definitely sides are being taken in a lead up to a much bigger fight, lots of deceptions and misdirection but wonderfully everything makes sense. At least with what we know so far. Now the long wait for FM6...
I have been painfully waiting for this book and it did not disappoint. The world gets deeper and darker, while we get a better understanding of the different forces working. It was good to have some of his classmates back in the mix and learned a lot more about the Mancy. Definitely sides are being taken in a lead up to a much bigger fight, lots of deceptions and misdirection but wonderfully everything makes sense. At least with what we know so far. Now the long wait for FM6...
October 30, 2021
I can't say these books are getting better and better but I can say they are consistently great books. I still have trouble with the foul language especially now that King Henry and the gang are getting older and have graduated.
No Annie B in this book. :( In fact, this book centers around King Henry and his male friends and Welf mainly. Ceinwyn isn't seen much either. There are a few vampires and KH's brother-in-law's werecoyote group. KH's sister is a bit more visible in this book.
I will admit "The Lady" surprised me when she made an appearance. For a lady that's almost 3 decades older than I am, she's pretty spry and can talk the "lingo" as well as KH!
Again, I must warn you that the author does not any recapping of previous events so you must read the books in order from the beginning
No Annie B in this book. :( In fact, this book centers around King Henry and his male friends and Welf mainly. Ceinwyn isn't seen much either. There are a few vampires and KH's brother-in-law's werecoyote group. KH's sister is a bit more visible in this book.
I will admit "The Lady" surprised me when she made an appearance. For a lady that's almost 3 decades older than I am, she's pretty spry and can talk the "lingo" as well as KH!
Again, I must warn you that the author does not any recapping of previous events so you must read the books in order from the beginning
July 21, 2025
I get that people may disagree with the 5 on this one.
Probably coz you're not some fucked up like we.
It's to my disgrace and shame that I acted the same way in a lot of my break-ups.
Drunk, sad, angry, yeah.
I also understand that about a fifth of this book is that: KHP whining about his breakup.
After that, it's absolutely glorious. The lore drop goes to unimaginable highs.
Vicky is probably my favourite character in the series (probably coz I have a friend that has the same vibe and personality as her. And she's one of my favourite people EVER).
As a matter of fact, I'm simply astonished as tô how good he writes women.
Some of the better written women I had read. And I read a lot.
No glorious high saints, or maidens, or the same old shit.
Real women that fuck, curse and have fun... You know, real women.
Even if he's a sexist prick. And always complains about "commies".
That's probably where we differ.
Love the guys. Already knew Pocket was gay, no surprises there. (Also, saw it happens ver closely tô a friend of mine. Almost same crap.)
I think my only complaint, even tho I understand why, is the Curator.
To much of a "evil broken villain" in this one.
I know that he's super cliche, partially a trope with his "come join the dark side" and now his "you rejected me, now you must paaaaaaay" (with a shaking first in the air).
He was better in his last appearance. Not so evil cussing villain.
More... Human?
That's why I get her going full Cartoon Network villain.
He broke. Again.
But since he's there for what? One chapter in a huge book?
Yeah. I can give this a 5.
Probably coz you're not some fucked up like we.
It's to my disgrace and shame that I acted the same way in a lot of my break-ups.
Drunk, sad, angry, yeah.
I also understand that about a fifth of this book is that: KHP whining about his breakup.
After that, it's absolutely glorious. The lore drop goes to unimaginable highs.
Vicky is probably my favourite character in the series (probably coz I have a friend that has the same vibe and personality as her. And she's one of my favourite people EVER).
As a matter of fact, I'm simply astonished as tô how good he writes women.
Some of the better written women I had read. And I read a lot.
No glorious high saints, or maidens, or the same old shit.
Real women that fuck, curse and have fun... You know, real women.
Even if he's a sexist prick. And always complains about "commies".
That's probably where we differ.
Love the guys. Already knew Pocket was gay, no surprises there. (Also, saw it happens ver closely tô a friend of mine. Almost same crap.)
I think my only complaint, even tho I understand why, is the Curator.
To much of a "evil broken villain" in this one.
I know that he's super cliche, partially a trope with his "come join the dark side" and now his "you rejected me, now you must paaaaaaay" (with a shaking first in the air).
He was better in his last appearance. Not so evil cussing villain.
More... Human?
That's why I get her going full Cartoon Network villain.
He broke. Again.
But since he's there for what? One chapter in a huge book?
Yeah. I can give this a 5.
September 3, 2022
King Henry spends the first third of the book moping about being dumped by his girlfriend. This really kicked the book off on a down note.
The Asylum portion of the story dealt with King Henry's first interaction with his Artificer teacher and more issues with the Three Queens.
The modern section has his friends hijacking him in a motorhome and taking him to the grand opening of a combined supernatural casino in Las Vegas.
The last 30% or so was incredible, but not enough to bring the total rating up to 5 stars
The Asylum portion of the story dealt with King Henry's first interaction with his Artificer teacher and more issues with the Three Queens.
The modern section has his friends hijacking him in a motorhome and taking him to the grand opening of a combined supernatural casino in Las Vegas.
The last 30% or so was incredible, but not enough to bring the total rating up to 5 stars
February 22, 2020
Keeps getting better
This series has gotten better as it has gone on. Generally a series falters after a few books, but like King Henry, the series keeps coming. If you are this far you know it’s not for everyone. There is cursing, non pc words and adult situations. I love all of it.
This series has gotten better as it has gone on. Generally a series falters after a few books, but like King Henry, the series keeps coming. If you are this far you know it’s not for everyone. There is cursing, non pc words and adult situations. I love all of it.
October 9, 2019
Keeps Getting Better
These adventures just keep getting better! As the characters grow,the story just gets deeper and more tangles in the storyline.I'm getting ready for round six!
These adventures just keep getting better! As the characters grow,the story just gets deeper and more tangles in the storyline.I'm getting ready for round six!
May 26, 2015
Okay, you've come so far in the King Henry Taps so you know there's going to be cussing. You know there's going to be off color jokes. You know there will be violence. And this book delivers.
It starts off with a bang when Val breaks up with King Henry. In an effort to stop his downward spiral his friends (Pocket, Jesus, and Tyson) take him on a trip to Vegas. Vegas baby! This should be fun, right?
Wrong. Almost as soon as they arrive do the happy plans start going array. Add in the (surprise!) mancy martial artist, a death, and lots of Welf... You get revelations - some that make me need to reread everything now that I know these facts, and some of which I'd already guessed. You get bad guys. Some familiar, some not. You get a very dark King Henry. A King Henry who's general anger with the world is distilling into directed rage and hatred. This new King Henry is losing what few limit he has...
But a damn good read, lots of snickers, and an ending that has already made me threaten Richard Raley to WRITE FASTER!
It starts off with a bang when Val breaks up with King Henry. In an effort to stop his downward spiral his friends (Pocket, Jesus, and Tyson) take him on a trip to Vegas. Vegas baby! This should be fun, right?
Wrong. Almost as soon as they arrive do the happy plans start going array. Add in the (surprise!) mancy martial artist, a death, and lots of Welf... You get revelations - some that make me need to reread everything now that I know these facts, and some of which I'd already guessed. You get bad guys. Some familiar, some not. You get a very dark King Henry. A King Henry who's general anger with the world is distilling into directed rage and hatred. This new King Henry is losing what few limit he has...
But a damn good read, lots of snickers, and an ending that has already made me threaten Richard Raley to WRITE FASTER!
May 25, 2015
So, this book was more epic in every way from the rest.
The story was action packed, heartfelt and another genius instalment in the KHP series.
This time we are in Pent of the school year and the ultras are branching out for their final years with their mentors, to be crafted into the mancers they need to be for the future, or until they hit 30 or(33) whichever one they get the secrets from. The stakes have increased for each of the students with the threat of the three queens looming over their heads and a confrontation that we dont end up seeing, half a school year covered in the book?
In the later timeline KHP and T-Bone and their new "employee" have their shops, and after Val drops a bomb on him we get reintroduced to older pocket, and eventually some of the old crew and shenanigans ensue in vegas!!!
Love is lost, love is found, losses are incurred, battles are fought, fights are lost and won. All in all the lore of the mancy, weres and anima are furthered at a great pace and did not leave me wanting, MORE KHP.
The story was action packed, heartfelt and another genius instalment in the KHP series.
This time we are in Pent of the school year and the ultras are branching out for their final years with their mentors, to be crafted into the mancers they need to be for the future, or until they hit 30 or(33) whichever one they get the secrets from. The stakes have increased for each of the students with the threat of the three queens looming over their heads and a confrontation that we dont end up seeing, half a school year covered in the book?
In the later timeline KHP and T-Bone and their new "employee" have their shops, and after Val drops a bomb on him we get reintroduced to older pocket, and eventually some of the old crew and shenanigans ensue in vegas!!!
Love is lost, love is found, losses are incurred, battles are fought, fights are lost and won. All in all the lore of the mancy, weres and anima are furthered at a great pace and did not leave me wanting, MORE KHP.
September 29, 2015
Depressing and Bleak
What first pulled me into these books was how funny they were. Cynnical narrator? Bleak world of evil kept secret by those that should be fighting it? Scarred and vicious anti-hero? Maybe, but the jokes were fast, funny, and nearly constant.
That ends with the Mancy Martial Artist.
This book starts with a heartbroken drinking binge, and never recovers. It transforms into conspiacy, murder, kidnapping, and death battles, but it never recovers. Even the comedic and saccharine romances can't compete with triple length depression.
This sucker is three times the length of the previous volumes, with half the joke content.
It is technically superior to the previous volumes, and advances the main story quite well. But it is missing that spark of fun that made the other books a joy to read.
What first pulled me into these books was how funny they were. Cynnical narrator? Bleak world of evil kept secret by those that should be fighting it? Scarred and vicious anti-hero? Maybe, but the jokes were fast, funny, and nearly constant.
That ends with the Mancy Martial Artist.
This book starts with a heartbroken drinking binge, and never recovers. It transforms into conspiacy, murder, kidnapping, and death battles, but it never recovers. Even the comedic and saccharine romances can't compete with triple length depression.
This sucker is three times the length of the previous volumes, with half the joke content.
It is technically superior to the previous volumes, and advances the main story quite well. But it is missing that spark of fun that made the other books a joy to read.
December 26, 2015
I wait and wait for each new Foul Mouthed edition, and then when I get one, I read it so slowly, not because I don't like it but like hoarding a box of the best chocolates so it lasts, only a small taste a few times a week to prolong the deliciousness. This book! It has so much new depth, so many old characters revisited, so much laughter and thoughtfulness and is a completely natural progression in the world R.R. Has been building, layer by beguiling layer. I never get enough. Honestly I'm not sure you should read this book unless you've read the first ones, or that you should ever read these books if you are offended by sexual description, or raunchy language, but if you have an earthy sense of humor and a love of fantasy and magic, start at the beginning and enjoy every story.
July 1, 2015
I really enjoy this series and read them as soon as the come out. book five was every bit as entertaining as the previous book. Some main characters from the school arch finally join the adult story arch. The school arch introduces us to characters we have only previously heard about and reveal a few secrets.
My only con is that I feel like the adult story is stalling a bit. While very entertaining I was disappointed that it did not really progress. I felt sort of monster of the week / episodic. I really hope thing start to move forward in the next installment. If not we may have to consider putting R.R. on glass.
My only con is that I feel like the adult story is stalling a bit. While very entertaining I was disappointed that it did not really progress. I felt sort of monster of the week / episodic. I really hope thing start to move forward in the next installment. If not we may have to consider putting R.R. on glass.
September 24, 2016
Every new volume I keep thinking they can't keep getting better, but every time they do. This is one of my favorite series of all time, and my anticipation for each new book is about as high as it can get. I haven't been let down yet.
If you aren't reading this series, you really need to be. Unless you are concerned about political correctness or social justice. It's not that those things would necessarily preclude you from enjoying the book, I just don't want you to read it, because it is perfect for me and people like me.
If you aren't reading this series, you really need to be. Unless you are concerned about political correctness or social justice. It's not that those things would necessarily preclude you from enjoying the book, I just don't want you to read it, because it is perfect for me and people like me.
June 27, 2015
Excellent Work
This is a dramatic, action-filled, funny, and very long-awaited story giving us even more to learn and consider in history and character development. And of course we get to cheer on our pugnacious hero who views himself as anything but. Raley is masterful in exposing the entire story a mere piece at a time; a showman directing us to various stages in the lives of characters without letting see what's behind the curtain. This is the fifth book and we still don't know the whole story... but the ride is fantastic. Read these books.
This is a dramatic, action-filled, funny, and very long-awaited story giving us even more to learn and consider in history and character development. And of course we get to cheer on our pugnacious hero who views himself as anything but. Raley is masterful in exposing the entire story a mere piece at a time; a showman directing us to various stages in the lives of characters without letting see what's behind the curtain. This is the fifth book and we still don't know the whole story... but the ride is fantastic. Read these books.
September 29, 2015
The overall story is continuing to improve and while the profanity is sometimes a bit much, it plays well with the interaction of the characters and moves the stories along unlike other authors Railey seems very well at ease with profanity. I am looking forward to the 6th installment in the series and how much is going to be revealed about the Mancy and King Henry's connections with it especially the family side of things alluded to in each of the books.
August 11, 2015
So much wrong it becomes right
Political correctness burns knowing these books exist. Just when you think he can't get any worse...he goes and toooootally defiles everything.
The bit where Vicky is threatening to do pelvic thrusts while screaming 'Vagina!' To make him go away. So funny I almost cried.
Political correctness burns knowing these books exist. Just when you think he can't get any worse...he goes and toooootally defiles everything.
The bit where Vicky is threatening to do pelvic thrusts while screaming 'Vagina!' To make him go away. So funny I almost cried.
December 27, 2015
RR has done it again he added to a world I already loved and made KH into someone i could relate with. Then he added a little crazy and a lot of KING HENRY and made it a book to remember. He answered a lot of questions we had been having and added even more to the list of things we want to know. All in all this book is a must read.
October 23, 2015
The final fight was awesome, I really like the brief way it was covered whilst still letting the reader know what happened. I enjoyed the book a few revealing secrets here and there but between Val and Jason I found it quite sad. Looking forward to more all the same.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 26, 2015
Awesome
The language is rough but hang in there and soon you completely involved with this world and loving it-I have finished the series and can't wait till the next release
The language is rough but hang in there and soon you completely involved with this world and loving it-I have finished the series and can't wait till the next release
August 25, 2016
Excellent again! Really love this series and the main character. This novel had some nice revelations and a nice setup for future additions to the series.
Can't wait to read more!
Can't wait to read more!
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