What do you think?
Rate this book
The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker
At 29 I got married to live the life of the perfect wife with the gorgeous children. I did that for ten years, the last four of which I was completely celibate. Then I went online and everything changed. After an online love affair with a man 3,000 miles away, Suzanne Portnoy—mother of two and a top executive in the entertainment industry—begins her sexual reawakening. Embarking on a sensational and prolific series of liaisons, Suzanne beds a top London chef who cooks her a five star meal on the day her husband moves out. An affair with a famous men’s magazine editor quickly ensues, followed by a top cameraman who takes pictures of Suzanne naked. But this is just the beginning. Insatiable, Suzanne dives into the swinging scene and works her way through an entire spectrum of sexual experience, including exhibitionism, group sex, fetish clubs, and a predilection for picking up men in her lunch hour. Suzanne's journey of self-discovery is anything but typical; her attitude towards sex and relationships even more unusual in this story that is shocking and heartwarming in equal measure. Freed from the restraints of marriage and monogamy, Suzanne takes pleasure without commitment and tells her story without a trace of shame. She's not looking for Prince Charming anymore, just for fun—and she finds it.
240 pages, Paperback
First published June 8, 2006
7 people are currently reading
103 people want to read
About the author
Suzanne Portnoy
10 books17 followersI have been an entertainment publicist for thirteen years. Divorced and with two children, aged 13 and 15, I live in North London. Attractive and finally a size 12 after 20 years spent yo-yo dieting, I am happily single and spend my spare time writing, having sex and being a car pool service.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews
April 24, 2018
Yazar kendi hayatından bir bölüm yazmış. yani bazı yerlerde yok artık dedim, bu kadar da olmaz dedim ama oluyormuş. Gerçekte var olan şeyler bunlar. Elestirmiyorum ama tasvip de etmiyorum.
June 25, 2007
Definitely a page turner...risque & sexy - great summer read :)
March 9, 2011
A fun frolicsome trek through Suzanne's quests. Light and an easy read. Made me feel like I wanted some of her action too! Much fun :0)
March 15, 2017
Dear Penthouse Forum. That's how this book should have started out. It was labelled as erotica but pretty sure it should be labeled as fiction and poor life choices. It's the tale of a woman who finds her sexy fun times with her husband non existent so she has an affair with a married man, gets divorced and then sleeps with half of London. I felt sorry for her kids who got used to her parade of lovers. Have as many lovers as you want but think of the children!!! To sum up, not erotica, not even all that sexy and pretty much should have been a letter to Penthouse. 1 star because there's no option for 0.
Received from NetGallely
Received from NetGallely
June 9, 2022
This really will be a marmite book , people will either really like it or not find it to their taste at all, I'd be very surprised if anyone is "meh" about it.
I really enjoyed it, this is an unflinching, honest and erotic journal of the author's embracing of her enjoyment of sex and the experiences she has in the period after her divorce.
Suzanne Portnoy makes no bones to soften her approach to life, men, sex and this is what makes the book work for me, it is authentic, is not a Hollywoodisation as it could so easily have been and is an honest insight into her desires, the experiences that she has and her motivations for seeking them out.
I warmed to it, to her and enjoyed the book
I really enjoyed it, this is an unflinching, honest and erotic journal of the author's embracing of her enjoyment of sex and the experiences she has in the period after her divorce.
Suzanne Portnoy makes no bones to soften her approach to life, men, sex and this is what makes the book work for me, it is authentic, is not a Hollywoodisation as it could so easily have been and is an honest insight into her desires, the experiences that she has and her motivations for seeking them out.
I warmed to it, to her and enjoyed the book
October 30, 2007
This book was not as sexy as I had hoped.
It's supposedly a true story. The authour has a lot of sex, but not enough of it is described in graphic detail. Most of the book is really about the series of BAD relationships she was in after her divorce. Even when the sex was good, the relationship was usually bad.
It kept me occupied for several nights in a row.
It's supposedly a true story. The authour has a lot of sex, but not enough of it is described in graphic detail. Most of the book is really about the series of BAD relationships she was in after her divorce. Even when the sex was good, the relationship was usually bad.
It kept me occupied for several nights in a row.
December 12, 2020
Another poorly written book for moms that don't know how to find porn online...
March 7, 2024
If you're looking for a nice Erotic Memoire, this ain't it :). Not sexy at all :) The only interesting pages were like the last 10 ones where there was some more details. The beginning and the other 200 pages went by so fast. I felt like there was no character development. I wasn't able to emotionally attach to any character. I was not surprised or excited or thrilled by the Book. Every page there was a different guys name with who she had intimacy with that is written in a few words. "I really must kiss you now." I think I've read that sentence like 20 times. It was the same thing all over again. 'I met up with (guys name). We fucked. He came. I didn't.' The same story over and over again. To me it felt like she was keeping track of her body count in a wattpad way. Ngl it would have been more successful there. I pushed myself through the book only to find out it having a boring ending because oh no she found out the guy was playing her. Enough ranting, time for a good book :D
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 4, 2021
I enjoyed some of the content in this book but the ending was really disappointing! It seems like a middle aged women who has sex for no reason and can’t seem to stick to anything anyone suggests to change her ways. I would think there are better erotic books out there !
January 22, 2019
I enjoy a good erotica story once in a while but honestly, this story had way too much of the "f" word and not enough story line for me.
August 22, 2019
Sadece gercek anilara dair oldugunu soyledigi icin 2 verdim yoksa 1 verirdim
March 29, 2021
Yup, I read "An Erotic Memoir." Portnoy is a solid writer but the book really just stops rather than have an ending.
January 23, 2022
I like Suzanne’s style of writing. But that’s about it.
July 29, 2022
Sıkıcı bayağı bir kitap .. sanki bir ergenin hayal dünyası o derece .. yetişkin kitabı olması İçin cok yüzeysel günlük gibi desen cok üstü kapalı sevemedim
September 27, 2013
The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker was previously published in 2006, and is recently reissued to capitalize on the popularity of EL James's Fifty Shades Of Grey. This one isn't one of the 50,000 spades of copycats, though, as this one is billed as a "memoir" of the author - a 41-year old owner of a PR agency with a freshly slimmed down body and pendulous breasts (her words, not mine) - going through men like water in search of pleasure and more pleasure after her divorce.
Well, this one certainly feels like a memoir, as it has enough scenes of bad sex to represent reality with more accuracy than most of us would like to admit. The actual title of this book should be The Married Man, The Guy With A Tiny Willy, The Walking Halitosis, The Premature Take-Off Guy... I can go on, but let's just stop here as I'm sure you get the idea.
Unfortunately, the non-stop episodes of unfunny comedy of coital disasters are the plot of this story. For the first few episodes, I am amused. Then the novelty wears off and I start to feel bored. By the time this book reaches the midway point and Suzanne is still going through guys like nobody's business, I start to daydream about squeezing the throat of that person who thought it would be funny to release this story under the Black Lace imprint.
What's so erotic about sexy times with guys with bad breath, stamina issues, and weird personality quirks? It doesn't help that Suzanne has a monotonous first person narrative voice. She is so critical of everything - if the guy makes the cut, then it is his furniture that is the issue, or something else - that every sex scene feels like a chore to wade through. And she's so stupid. She keeps advertising on these newspapers for guys to have flings with. What kind of men does she expect to come calling?
Suzanne is a self-absorbed person with little concern beyond finding the next salami to stuff her larder. Not that this is the problem - the problem here is that the author lacks the wit to make this self-absorbed person interesting to read. There is nothing memorable about Suzanne, except that she may have the hoochie that is the biggest freak magnet in England, so the first person narrative fails to liven up a story that is already suffering from a lack of anything worth reading after the first 100 pages.
There is a quote on the front cover, in which a reviewer from Cosmopolitan says that the story made her want to stop reading and have sex. Well, that person is right - it's better to have sex than to read this lifeless bore of a story. Or, go read the telephone book. Just about anything, even staring at the photos of that walking doll Zac Efron vomiting into a ditch, would be a far more passionate experience than reading this thing.
Well, this one certainly feels like a memoir, as it has enough scenes of bad sex to represent reality with more accuracy than most of us would like to admit. The actual title of this book should be The Married Man, The Guy With A Tiny Willy, The Walking Halitosis, The Premature Take-Off Guy... I can go on, but let's just stop here as I'm sure you get the idea.
Unfortunately, the non-stop episodes of unfunny comedy of coital disasters are the plot of this story. For the first few episodes, I am amused. Then the novelty wears off and I start to feel bored. By the time this book reaches the midway point and Suzanne is still going through guys like nobody's business, I start to daydream about squeezing the throat of that person who thought it would be funny to release this story under the Black Lace imprint.
What's so erotic about sexy times with guys with bad breath, stamina issues, and weird personality quirks? It doesn't help that Suzanne has a monotonous first person narrative voice. She is so critical of everything - if the guy makes the cut, then it is his furniture that is the issue, or something else - that every sex scene feels like a chore to wade through. And she's so stupid. She keeps advertising on these newspapers for guys to have flings with. What kind of men does she expect to come calling?
Suzanne is a self-absorbed person with little concern beyond finding the next salami to stuff her larder. Not that this is the problem - the problem here is that the author lacks the wit to make this self-absorbed person interesting to read. There is nothing memorable about Suzanne, except that she may have the hoochie that is the biggest freak magnet in England, so the first person narrative fails to liven up a story that is already suffering from a lack of anything worth reading after the first 100 pages.
There is a quote on the front cover, in which a reviewer from Cosmopolitan says that the story made her want to stop reading and have sex. Well, that person is right - it's better to have sex than to read this lifeless bore of a story. Or, go read the telephone book. Just about anything, even staring at the photos of that walking doll Zac Efron vomiting into a ditch, would be a far more passionate experience than reading this thing.
May 18, 2013
THE BUTCHER, THE BAKER, THE CANDLESTICK MAKER, by Suzanne Portnoy.
The author is absolutely true to her pen name. Mr Roth would be proud of her. The subgenre is the once-popular ‘Confessions of a Rake’ but with the interesting twist that the protagonist is a modern woman who objectifies men just as much as men are accused of doing to women.
She ranks her sex partners by the sizes of their equipment, their looks, their oral skills and how well they speak, in that order. Personality comes in at seventeenth or thereabouts, I imagine. I found this remarkably refreshing. Suzanne’s ‘autobiographical voice’ rings very true, a tribute to either her skill as a writer or her honesty as a highly sensual woman.
The book is from Black Lace, the ‘by and for women’ Imprint, but I recommend it to any male readers who would like to gain insight into the mental and emotional processes of an uber-MILF who knows what she wants and takes it where she can get it.
If I had a quibble, it would be with Suzanne’s seduction technique - to grab him and stick her tongue down his throat. That may be because it would be a virtually infallible ploy, for a woman, but fraught with danger for a man. Sometimes, there’s no equality!
The author is absolutely true to her pen name. Mr Roth would be proud of her. The subgenre is the once-popular ‘Confessions of a Rake’ but with the interesting twist that the protagonist is a modern woman who objectifies men just as much as men are accused of doing to women.
She ranks her sex partners by the sizes of their equipment, their looks, their oral skills and how well they speak, in that order. Personality comes in at seventeenth or thereabouts, I imagine. I found this remarkably refreshing. Suzanne’s ‘autobiographical voice’ rings very true, a tribute to either her skill as a writer or her honesty as a highly sensual woman.
The book is from Black Lace, the ‘by and for women’ Imprint, but I recommend it to any male readers who would like to gain insight into the mental and emotional processes of an uber-MILF who knows what she wants and takes it where she can get it.
If I had a quibble, it would be with Suzanne’s seduction technique - to grab him and stick her tongue down his throat. That may be because it would be a virtually infallible ploy, for a woman, but fraught with danger for a man. Sometimes, there’s no equality!
June 13, 2013
Öncelikle son zamanlarda çıkan erotik aşk romanlarında çok daha farklı olduğunu söyleyerek okuyacak herkesi uyarmam lazım çünkü kitabın içerisinde aşkın zerresi yok diyebilirim. Aksine bir kadının hayatı boyunca yaşadığı tüm başarısız ilişkileri en gerçek yanlarıyla acımasızca inceliyor ve bunu yaparken gayet basit ve akıcı bir dil kullanılıyor. Kısacası pembe pofidik yatakta dalınacak şirin hayallerden çok uzak...
İlişkiler üzerinde yapılan analizler çok hoşuma gitti herkesi kendisininkinden bir yan bulabileceğini düşünüyorum bu ilişkilerde; yalnızca aşk ilişkileri de değil derinine inilirse tüm ilişkilerden bir yan bulunabilir...
Ancak kitap boyunca tabularla dolu bir cinsel hayata sahip bir kadının arkasında anlatılınca tüm bunlar ilk görüşte fark edilemeyebilmesi hiçten de değildir...
2,5 yıldızlık bir kitap denilebilir. Hoş güzel ama okumasam da birşey kaybetmezdim çok fazla.
İlişkiler üzerinde yapılan analizler çok hoşuma gitti herkesi kendisininkinden bir yan bulabileceğini düşünüyorum bu ilişkilerde; yalnızca aşk ilişkileri de değil derinine inilirse tüm ilişkilerden bir yan bulunabilir...
Ancak kitap boyunca tabularla dolu bir cinsel hayata sahip bir kadının arkasında anlatılınca tüm bunlar ilk görüşte fark edilemeyebilmesi hiçten de değildir...
2,5 yıldızlık bir kitap denilebilir. Hoş güzel ama okumasam da birşey kaybetmezdim çok fazla.
May 15, 2013
Right from the first sentence, I was drawn into this story...the author's voice flowed effortlessly throughout. As told in a memoir style, The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker is a story with a boldness and erotic edge not many authors can achieve half as well as Ms. Portnoy has in this book. It's honest and blunt, and holds a deep and exploratory concept. At the beginning, I didn't much care for her or many of her choices, but kept reading because Ms. Portnoy has a knack of making each page eventful. She made me laugh and snort, and cringe, and wiggle in my chair. I grew to love her and found myself cheering her on. I'm sure Samantha from Sex in the City would have been proud...you know, if she was a real person.
I recommend this to those who enjoy erotica and memoirs.
Disclaimer: I received an electronic format of this book in return for an honest review.
I recommend this to those who enjoy erotica and memoirs.
Disclaimer: I received an electronic format of this book in return for an honest review.
May 28, 2013
Although it was a little difficult to like the protagonist because she is so hard-nosed about her life, or for that matter her lovers, because they were almost mechanical in their attractiveness, it was impossible not to be carried along with her adventures. She sails very close to the wind and is totally shameless in her encounters and the sex she has, but I wonder, could there be a bit more subtlety in the sex. I mean, fucking all day and all night? There wasn't much in the way of sensitivity or sensuality. More along the lines of Erica Jong's zipless fucks. But a good read for all that. One thing distracted me, though, and that was the fact that she has children. I was always slightly concerned that they would walk in on her in the act, or she would be too busy with some new lover to be a proper mother to them. Children in erotica are a bit of a passion killer.
April 18, 2013
This is very different than a typical memoir. We don't get to know much about her day to day life, and get to know quite a bit about just how many men she's hooking up with. At times, it would have been nice to get a bit more detail as some of the incidents seem glossed over as unimportant. Certainly more sex than some erotica, though not always as clearly described. It seemed to end quite abruptly, no doubt to set up a second book.
As others have mentioned, at times it appears to be embellished for effect, though perhaps not quite as egregiously as certain other memoirs.
As others have mentioned, at times it appears to be embellished for effect, though perhaps not quite as egregiously as certain other memoirs.
March 22, 2009
Supposedly a true erotic memoir; erotic, yes, memoir, not likely - well, maybe but a fictionalised one for sure. It was erotic in some parts but was also focussed on relationships and how they, in Suzanne Portnoy's case (or in the case of her character in the novel) failed. Lots of eroticism, it has all passed me by and I mustn't have lived! Mildly entertaining for a light read, no Portnoy Complaint!
June 29, 2013
This really is a great book, everything I wanted Belle de Jour to be, wonderfully explicit and naughty and free thinking. The prose is very easy reading and not at all clever, preachy or pretentious like this sort of writing can be. In this day and age, its great to know that there are nice, happy, horny people out there just enjoying themselves in a safe and healthy environment. If more women were as open and free thinking as Suzanne, the world would be a much more peaceful and happy place.
Read
March 16, 2011This book has been quite an interesting read for me! I haven't read an erotic noval in quite some time, so I have been having fun getting back into it! This woman's experiences make me sad for her, but also make me wonder why she continues.
September 9, 2013
Overall, the character is annoying and not believable, other than a woman trying to gain attention by obsessing over her love for the male genitalia. Perhaps I'm wrong, but my experiences tell me her audience doesn't include me. Not really...
November 8, 2007
Bedtime reading!
December 29, 2007
Porn, basically
November 11, 2008
Didn't live up to all the hype. One lady's sex journal but was still a bit boring.
Read
August 7, 2011I read the sequel before this, and found this one slightly disappointing. Nowhere near as good or funny as the second one! none the less an entertaining read.
September 20, 2012
Quite graphic. London local colour. Honesty. Makes this a good read.
May 30, 2013
Don't know how you can get away with call this erotica, infact in some chapters (namely the third) it stomach churningly revolting!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews