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What to Do When You're New: How to Be Comfortable, Confident, and Successful in New Situations
Have you ever felt nervous in new situations? Reluctant to introduce yourself? Afraid to ask questions? We all have. But if you let those worries stop you, you may miss out on real opportunity. Whether you’re changing jobs, joining a group, or moving to a new city, putting yourself out there enriches life and brings rewards.
What to Do When You’re New combines the author’s research with that of leading scientists to explain why we are so uneasy in new situations—and how we can learn to become more confident and successful newcomers. With practice, anyone can get better at being new. This original book opens your eyes to the necessary skills and teaches you how to:
• Overcome fears• Make great first impressions
• Talk to strangers with ease
• Get up to speed quickly
• Connect with people wherever you go
Blending stories and insights with simple techniques and exercises, this one-of-a-kind guide will get you out of your comfort zone and trying new things in no time.
240 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2015
62 people are currently reading
397 people want to read
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December 7, 2016
if you want to get better at being new, you must adopt a different mindset. You can try, for example, various ways of seeing new situations as opportunities to learn. Here are three approaches you might try:
The first is the coach mindset, where you think of a new situation as training so you can get better with practice and feedback
.
You could also adopt a gamer mindset and think of new situations like a social video game, where you try to win by improving each time you’re in an unfamiliar situation. Our approach to life is often too serious, so why not turn it into a fun challenge now and again?
Lastly, you may want to try the beginner’s mindset and walk into each new situation anticipating the excitement of learning something new. This also lets you accept any mistakes as those of a beginner, rather than as signs of personal failure.
***
As a newcomer, the first skill to master is to properly and successfully introduce yourself.
If you get stuck and are unsure how to navigate the conversation, ask questions about the other person. This is effective as it shows respect and interest
It’s also a good idea to write down what you have learned about the other person. You may think you’ll remember all the details, but it’s far too easy to mix up people’s names, roles or backgrounds. By writing down everything as soon as you can after the conversation, you’ll be in a far better position to avoid awkwardness and anxiety in the future.
***
Remember names.
There are some useful name-recall strategies you can use to prevent such embarrassing situations. Here are a few of them:
Imagine that the person whose name you’re trying to remember is standing next to a friend of yours with the same name. Say you’re introduced to a guy named Peter; if Peter is also the name of one of your friends, then visualize your friend standing next to the new Peter.
Another trick is to imagine the new person’s name written across their face.
Repeating the new name during the conversation is also a good method. You can ask how it’s spelled or correctly pronounced, or say something like, “Hello, Brian, nice to meet you.” And then repeat the name at the end of the conversation to help your brain process it.
***
People often appreciate questions if you approach them with an I want to learn mindset – as opposed to a solve my problem one.
It also pays to be concise and avoid multi-part questions. Don’t ask, in one breath, how a system works, who is responsible for it and what happens when you click here instead of there. Bundles of questions create confusion and only one part tends to get answered in the end.
***
Make sure that people feel energized by your interactions. People gain energy when they feel understood, when their ideas and opinions are validated and respected and when others show genuine interest in them. So listen to people! This encourages people to talk about themselves, and communicates that you appreciate and understand them.
Conversely, attempting to impress others with your own accomplishments tends to sap energy. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about yourself, but just keep it balanced by also talking about your conversation partner.
Finally, it’s vital to stay positive. When you talk positively about others, people will automatically attribute those sentiments to your personality, too.
***
In one study, educational researcher Carol Dweck found that, at an early age, we develop a certain mindset called talent is fixed. We subconsciously believe that we’re born with certain talents and when something doesn’t immediately come easily to us, we conclude that we’re bad at it. To make matters worse, parents and teachers strengthen this fixed mindset by labeling us as smart or good at particular things.
A healthier approach is the getting-better mindset. This focuses on talent being developed through learning, effort and practice. To open up to this mindset you must understand that your first performance says very little about your talents, so there’s no point in worrying about imperfections. All you need to do is focus on getting better by learning and asking for help.
In one study, educational researcher Carol Dweck found that, at an early age, we develop a certain mindset called talent is fixed. We subconsciously believe that we’re born with certain talents and when something doesn’t immediately come easily to us, we conclude that we’re bad at it. To make matters worse, parents and teachers strengthen this fixed mindset by labeling us as smart or good at particular things.
A healthier approach is the getting-better mindset. This focuses on talent being developed through learning, effort and practice. To open up to this mindset you must understand that your first performance says very little about your talents, so there’s no point in worrying about imperfections. All you need to do is focus on getting better by learning and asking for help.
The first is the coach mindset, where you think of a new situation as training so you can get better with practice and feedback
.
You could also adopt a gamer mindset and think of new situations like a social video game, where you try to win by improving each time you’re in an unfamiliar situation. Our approach to life is often too serious, so why not turn it into a fun challenge now and again?
Lastly, you may want to try the beginner’s mindset and walk into each new situation anticipating the excitement of learning something new. This also lets you accept any mistakes as those of a beginner, rather than as signs of personal failure.
***
As a newcomer, the first skill to master is to properly and successfully introduce yourself.
If you get stuck and are unsure how to navigate the conversation, ask questions about the other person. This is effective as it shows respect and interest
It’s also a good idea to write down what you have learned about the other person. You may think you’ll remember all the details, but it’s far too easy to mix up people’s names, roles or backgrounds. By writing down everything as soon as you can after the conversation, you’ll be in a far better position to avoid awkwardness and anxiety in the future.
***
Remember names.
There are some useful name-recall strategies you can use to prevent such embarrassing situations. Here are a few of them:
Imagine that the person whose name you’re trying to remember is standing next to a friend of yours with the same name. Say you’re introduced to a guy named Peter; if Peter is also the name of one of your friends, then visualize your friend standing next to the new Peter.
Another trick is to imagine the new person’s name written across their face.
Repeating the new name during the conversation is also a good method. You can ask how it’s spelled or correctly pronounced, or say something like, “Hello, Brian, nice to meet you.” And then repeat the name at the end of the conversation to help your brain process it.
***
People often appreciate questions if you approach them with an I want to learn mindset – as opposed to a solve my problem one.
It also pays to be concise and avoid multi-part questions. Don’t ask, in one breath, how a system works, who is responsible for it and what happens when you click here instead of there. Bundles of questions create confusion and only one part tends to get answered in the end.
***
Make sure that people feel energized by your interactions. People gain energy when they feel understood, when their ideas and opinions are validated and respected and when others show genuine interest in them. So listen to people! This encourages people to talk about themselves, and communicates that you appreciate and understand them.
Conversely, attempting to impress others with your own accomplishments tends to sap energy. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about yourself, but just keep it balanced by also talking about your conversation partner.
Finally, it’s vital to stay positive. When you talk positively about others, people will automatically attribute those sentiments to your personality, too.
***
In one study, educational researcher Carol Dweck found that, at an early age, we develop a certain mindset called talent is fixed. We subconsciously believe that we’re born with certain talents and when something doesn’t immediately come easily to us, we conclude that we’re bad at it. To make matters worse, parents and teachers strengthen this fixed mindset by labeling us as smart or good at particular things.
A healthier approach is the getting-better mindset. This focuses on talent being developed through learning, effort and practice. To open up to this mindset you must understand that your first performance says very little about your talents, so there’s no point in worrying about imperfections. All you need to do is focus on getting better by learning and asking for help.
In one study, educational researcher Carol Dweck found that, at an early age, we develop a certain mindset called talent is fixed. We subconsciously believe that we’re born with certain talents and when something doesn’t immediately come easily to us, we conclude that we’re bad at it. To make matters worse, parents and teachers strengthen this fixed mindset by labeling us as smart or good at particular things.
A healthier approach is the getting-better mindset. This focuses on talent being developed through learning, effort and practice. To open up to this mindset you must understand that your first performance says very little about your talents, so there’s no point in worrying about imperfections. All you need to do is focus on getting better by learning and asking for help.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 2, 2019
Solid advice, but it was similar to many a school paper striving for a word count: a few valuable nuggets sprinkled amongst a mountain of fluff. He followed the format of “tell them what you’re going to tell them, then tell them, then tell them what you told them.” There was a TON of repetition. I figure you could boil that 215 pages down to less than ten pages of the good stuff.
And while it was good information, some was quite simplistic and didn’t need explanation. Basically, get out of the prehistoric mindset where social rejection really did have life or death consequences. It doesn’t now, so put yourself out there, ask dumb questions, give yourself room to make mistakes. You can find this book’s advice in many other places, in more concise forms.
Feel free to read this - it’s not bad, just be prepared to skim a lot.
And while it was good information, some was quite simplistic and didn’t need explanation. Basically, get out of the prehistoric mindset where social rejection really did have life or death consequences. It doesn’t now, so put yourself out there, ask dumb questions, give yourself room to make mistakes. You can find this book’s advice in many other places, in more concise forms.
Feel free to read this - it’s not bad, just be prepared to skim a lot.
Read
December 8, 2019I skimmed this and read the chapters that were most applicable to me when I was starting a new job. I found the advice helpful and the book structured well. I think I was blindly grabbing at something to give me assurance and boost confidence before my first day and this provided that.
there were specific examples/scripts for talking to people. I appreciated the emphasis on deconstructing the rules in your head—"oh, I should know this" or "I don't want to bother this person with a silly question." I've heard myself repeating lines of the book in my head before I talk to colleagues about a question or issue, which I think is a good endorsement.
there were specific examples/scripts for talking to people. I appreciated the emphasis on deconstructing the rules in your head—"oh, I should know this" or "I don't want to bother this person with a silly question." I've heard myself repeating lines of the book in my head before I talk to colleagues about a question or issue, which I think is a good endorsement.
December 8, 2015
I guess if social anxiety disorder responded to "normal" book suggestions, I'd be fixed by now.
April 3, 2021
Takeaways:
Success depends on being able to adapt to new people and situations.
For thousands of years, avoiding strangers or anyone outside your own “tribe” was a fear-based habit strongly linked to daily survival.
“Practice and reflection” can help you interact with new people without feeling at risk.
As the “newcomer,” rehearse introducing yourself. Write down your “opening lines.” Consider what you’ll say and what questions to ask. Thank people who help you.
After an introduction, use “focused study” to associate names with faces and facts.
“Asking questions” is a strategic skill you can use to get help and information, forge relationships, and gain feedback and advice.
Plant, cultivate and tend your relationships to find the care, understanding and emotional support that bring real happiness.
To learn, you have to put yourself out there and take part in shared activities.
When you are no longer new, help future newcomers gain the skills to fit in.
To sustain happiness, learn to participate in fresh activities that interest you.
Summary:
“Being New”
To succeed, you need to keep learning new things. Whether you move to a strange city, change organizations, go back to school or adopt a new fitness regime, your happiness and success depend on how well you handle the fear of being the new person in a group.
“Always a Newcomer”
Throughout life, as you accumulate new experiences, you will always encounter situations where you are the newcomer. You might find yourself in the role of the new person in some fresh way almost every day. Your confidence as a newcomer can help determine your job performance and feelings of satisfaction.
We value people who can quickly get up to speed, but organizations rarely spend any time actually teaching their employees how to make introductions, remember names, ask questions, develop relationships, or perform new tasks.
In all kinds of settings, like family celebrations, doctors’ appointments or seminars, you must be able to draw on the basic skills of meeting strangers, introducing yourself and remembering names. As an adult, your work may require you to network and build new professional relationships. Some people join organizations for the purpose of networking and then find that fear keeps them from introducing themselves to anyone new. If you are going to a gathering, don’t take a friend. Having someone familiar with you will impede your efforts to talk to and get to know new people.
“The Science of Newcomer Anxiety”
Both human evolution and your upbringing taught you to fear and avoid strangers. You might have to work consciously to overcome your fear of new people. School and training classes don’t offer these skills, but you can use “reflection and practice” to develop them for yourself. Your fears of encountering strangers or performing well in new groups are real, even if you consciously deny them. According to many child-development experts, humans are born with a fear of strangers. By the time babies are two months old, they prefer familiar people. At six months, they show anxiety around unfamiliar people.
Usually you have to figure these skills out on your own.
Experiments show that being the new person in a group – even if all the group members are strangers to each other and the group has existed for only a few minutes – adversely affects creativity and participation. Those skills return to normal when the new person goes back to a familiar group.
Early humans survived by living and working in groups. Being excluded from or rejected by your tribe was tantamount to a death sentence. In tribal times, bonding and staying with your family ensured your survival, since the group helped its members find food and shelter, confront predators, raise their young, and defend themselves and their children. Within that prehistoric group, status hierarchies controlled who got the first choice of food, shelter and a mate. Those hierarchies still exist today. Knowing this can contribute to your anxiety when you start new relationships or perform in new situations. Nowadays, the consequences of losing status may be unpleasant, but fortunately they’re rarely fatal. Social rejection is unsettling, but seldom final. Don’t let it hold you back. Move on to another job, another club or another friend.
Reflection and Practice
If you reflect on your feelings, you can work to reduce your anxiety and accept any lingering nervousness as a valuable spur to action. Then you can embrace new experiences and the satisfaction that will follow. Once you understand that rejection doesn’t really change you, you can attain that moment when you finally take on and succeed at doing “the thing that scares you,” such as selling to strangers on the phone or offering people information by going door-to-door.
The nice thing about being new is you have the implicit right, permission and justification to introduce yourself to just about anyone.
Plan what you are going to say, but don’t fall into the bad habit of following a “behavioral script.” Instead, embrace a variety of techniques for coming out of your social shell. Psychologist K. Anders Ericsson suggests a step-by-step breakdown based on “deliberate practice”, that is, imagining the desired behavior, analyzing each bit of your performance, mindfully observing yourself, getting feedback from others, identifying ways to improve and then making time to practice. Repeat these steps for continual improvement.
As one newcomer put it, ‘It’s who you know that counts, and you have so much more mileage if you have already been introduced.’ To that I would add, ‘or if you have introduced yourself’.
You might enjoy using another tactic: adopting the “mind-set” of an observer. See yourself as a detached and curious scientist, a goal-setting coach, a risk-taking game player or a beginner whose mind is open to new experiences. Take on whatever attitude works to help you move through four stages of social ability. Beginning with a state of “unconscious incompetence,” you can work toward a state of “conscious incompetence.” In time and with practice, you will shift further toward “conscious competence” and ultimately arrive at a state of “unconscious competence,” where you are socially skillful without having to think about each step.
The “Newcomer Skills”
You can use a set of strategies based on reflection and practice to master five basic newcomer skills that can help you push through your fears, adapt to new groups and make progress toward unconscious competence. These skills are:
1. “Introducing Yourself”
Introductions can lead to social connections, job opportunities and even initial employment interviews. When you start a new position, meeting new colleagues can provide you with the “information, help and advice” that can lead to success. Because self-introductions don’t fall under any clear social norms or rules, start by figuring out whom you need to meet. Your list may range across the people in your new company, from your boss’s boss to the people who serve lunch in your company cafeteria. Determine how to approach someone and what you should say based on your expectations of the relationship you seek.
Successful newcomers remember names.
Rehearse your “opening lines” – starting with a brief greeting. State your name and explain why you’re introducing yourself. Such small talk isn’t petty; it makes a difference in forging an initial communication path. To demonstrate your sincere intent, ask questions about the other person’s job, interests and expertise. “People tend to gain energy from talking about themselves.” When you end your initial conversation, thank your new acquaintance, and offer your contact information. Hopefully, the other person will offer similar information in return. Go back to your office and write down everything you remember about the encounter. Practice, reflect, improve and repeat.
2. “Remembering Names”
Names are important. When you meet people for the first time after your initial introduction, you can impress them by quickly and correctly recalling their names. You will look smart and professional. The fear of not remembering a name can make you turn away or pretend not to see a person, but you can learn techniques for preventing that embarrassing moment.
A little bit of anxiety about doing these things is actually a good thing.
Your prehistoric brain doesn’t remember names well. Introductions are the worst time to attempt to remember a new name. Take steps to reinforce the link between a person’s name and what you know about him or her. When you meet new people, distractions may keep you from getting their names into your short-term memory. The rush of information you are learning about them and about other people at that moment keeps you from moving the name to your long-term memory. Fight this “interference” by repeating the name to re-input the data into your short-term memory.
When you’re nervous, your brain releases a tiny bit of adrenaline that flows through your body and helps keep you focused and alert.
Seeing a written name helps. President Franklin D. Roosevelt visualized writing a person’s name on his or her forehead. Politicians study the guest list before they arrive at an event. To build name-recognition skills, write down new acquaintances’ names, study them and test yourself.
3. “Asking Questions”
Cultivate the skill of asking questions at work and in your social life. You may fear that asking questions could expose your lack of knowledge, thus resulting in a loss of status or leading to rejection. This can make you reluctant around busy people or those of perceived higher status.
None of the strategies and techniques…will quickly transform you into a memory savant...Like all the other newcomer skills, it takes practice to see real improvement.
To make it easier to ask questions, build friendly relationships with people before you need to ask them something. Consider beforehand exactly what you seek: Is it time, advice or permission? Know what you want and why. A quick search on the Internet will tell you if the answer you want isn’t clear or obvious. Determine who should know the answer and whether that person is approachable. If you are at a gathering, assess whether it offers a good time to approach him or her. Once you’re talking, ask brief questions. Show you’ve done the basic research and have a reason for asking. If you need more information, ask a follow-up question, but “don’t overstay your welcome.” Thank the person for helping you. Follow up about the outcome of your query.
4. “Starting New Relationships
So far, you have introduced yourself, remembered names and asked questions to start new relationships. However, the quality of your closest relationships – personal and business, old and new – is tied to your mental and physical well-being.
The key to becoming a better newcomer is to stop seeing ‘being new’ as something you fear and endure, but as an interesting challenge you can learn to improve through reflection and practice.
When you decide whom you wish to befriend and the nature of the relationship you want, how do you build from there? Start by trying to see things from the other person’s perspective, being optimistic and offering sincere compliments.
Use “reciprocity to build relationships, giving priority to others’ needs without neglecting your own.” Imagine yourself as a detective, a journalist or a good host while you draw out your new friend. For an icebreaker, invite that person to an activity that’s not in your normal frame of reference.
5. “Performing in New Situations”
People have to learn new things. Whether you take up tennis or learn to run a sales meeting, you start as a beginner and learn by practicing your new skill with and in front of other people. Even if you practice playing the guitar alone for hours, people won’t know you can play until you perform in front of them. Many people suffer from performance anxiety and enjoy an activity less if they have to do it in public. They procrastinate and sometimes quit altogether.
Once you’re integrated, productive and happy in your new group or organization, you have an obligation to ‘pay things forward’ and find effective ways to welcome those who join after you.
When you are new in a group, your fear of being judged and possibly losing status increases. Many parents and teachers inculcate the idea “that intelligence and talent are things we have rather than things we develop through practice and effort.” When underperforming students learn they can indeed improve a talent and they do get better, their anxiety lifts and their ability to learn increases. To gain confidence as you prepare for a performance, rely on rehearsals, mental walkthroughs and a written script. Decide how to handle mistakes and meditate for stress reduction. Place reasonable expectations on yourself, accept your mistakes and applaud your improvements.
“Pay Things Forward”
When you settle into your new duties and become familiar with your new firm and colleagues, give something back. Recall what it was like meeting so many new people, trying to remember names and asking questions. Make changes that will help the next group of newcomers.
Your ultimate goal isn’t simply becoming a more comfortable, confident newcomer. It’s the success and happiness you find when you’re more willing to seek out and take advantage of new opportunities and experiences.
You might offer better information, such as giving a newly hired person a list of the main people he or she needs to meet. Or put a box of fresh doughnuts on the newcomer’s desk and tell everyone to come share. The quality of a newcomer’s initial job assignment makes a long-range difference. That first set of challenges correlates with promotions and career success years later.
“Get Out There”
Since people tend to get less enjoyment from activities they repeat over time, learning and doing new things strongly relates to sustained happiness. To stay sharp, focus on easing other people’s fears and not your own. Show your interest in other people. Don’t look for perfection in yourself or others; put yourself out there, and learn or start something new.
Success depends on being able to adapt to new people and situations.
For thousands of years, avoiding strangers or anyone outside your own “tribe” was a fear-based habit strongly linked to daily survival.
“Practice and reflection” can help you interact with new people without feeling at risk.
As the “newcomer,” rehearse introducing yourself. Write down your “opening lines.” Consider what you’ll say and what questions to ask. Thank people who help you.
After an introduction, use “focused study” to associate names with faces and facts.
“Asking questions” is a strategic skill you can use to get help and information, forge relationships, and gain feedback and advice.
Plant, cultivate and tend your relationships to find the care, understanding and emotional support that bring real happiness.
To learn, you have to put yourself out there and take part in shared activities.
When you are no longer new, help future newcomers gain the skills to fit in.
To sustain happiness, learn to participate in fresh activities that interest you.
Summary:
“Being New”
To succeed, you need to keep learning new things. Whether you move to a strange city, change organizations, go back to school or adopt a new fitness regime, your happiness and success depend on how well you handle the fear of being the new person in a group.
“Always a Newcomer”
Throughout life, as you accumulate new experiences, you will always encounter situations where you are the newcomer. You might find yourself in the role of the new person in some fresh way almost every day. Your confidence as a newcomer can help determine your job performance and feelings of satisfaction.
We value people who can quickly get up to speed, but organizations rarely spend any time actually teaching their employees how to make introductions, remember names, ask questions, develop relationships, or perform new tasks.
In all kinds of settings, like family celebrations, doctors’ appointments or seminars, you must be able to draw on the basic skills of meeting strangers, introducing yourself and remembering names. As an adult, your work may require you to network and build new professional relationships. Some people join organizations for the purpose of networking and then find that fear keeps them from introducing themselves to anyone new. If you are going to a gathering, don’t take a friend. Having someone familiar with you will impede your efforts to talk to and get to know new people.
“The Science of Newcomer Anxiety”
Both human evolution and your upbringing taught you to fear and avoid strangers. You might have to work consciously to overcome your fear of new people. School and training classes don’t offer these skills, but you can use “reflection and practice” to develop them for yourself. Your fears of encountering strangers or performing well in new groups are real, even if you consciously deny them. According to many child-development experts, humans are born with a fear of strangers. By the time babies are two months old, they prefer familiar people. At six months, they show anxiety around unfamiliar people.
Usually you have to figure these skills out on your own.
Experiments show that being the new person in a group – even if all the group members are strangers to each other and the group has existed for only a few minutes – adversely affects creativity and participation. Those skills return to normal when the new person goes back to a familiar group.
Early humans survived by living and working in groups. Being excluded from or rejected by your tribe was tantamount to a death sentence. In tribal times, bonding and staying with your family ensured your survival, since the group helped its members find food and shelter, confront predators, raise their young, and defend themselves and their children. Within that prehistoric group, status hierarchies controlled who got the first choice of food, shelter and a mate. Those hierarchies still exist today. Knowing this can contribute to your anxiety when you start new relationships or perform in new situations. Nowadays, the consequences of losing status may be unpleasant, but fortunately they’re rarely fatal. Social rejection is unsettling, but seldom final. Don’t let it hold you back. Move on to another job, another club or another friend.
Reflection and Practice
If you reflect on your feelings, you can work to reduce your anxiety and accept any lingering nervousness as a valuable spur to action. Then you can embrace new experiences and the satisfaction that will follow. Once you understand that rejection doesn’t really change you, you can attain that moment when you finally take on and succeed at doing “the thing that scares you,” such as selling to strangers on the phone or offering people information by going door-to-door.
The nice thing about being new is you have the implicit right, permission and justification to introduce yourself to just about anyone.
Plan what you are going to say, but don’t fall into the bad habit of following a “behavioral script.” Instead, embrace a variety of techniques for coming out of your social shell. Psychologist K. Anders Ericsson suggests a step-by-step breakdown based on “deliberate practice”, that is, imagining the desired behavior, analyzing each bit of your performance, mindfully observing yourself, getting feedback from others, identifying ways to improve and then making time to practice. Repeat these steps for continual improvement.
As one newcomer put it, ‘It’s who you know that counts, and you have so much more mileage if you have already been introduced.’ To that I would add, ‘or if you have introduced yourself’.
You might enjoy using another tactic: adopting the “mind-set” of an observer. See yourself as a detached and curious scientist, a goal-setting coach, a risk-taking game player or a beginner whose mind is open to new experiences. Take on whatever attitude works to help you move through four stages of social ability. Beginning with a state of “unconscious incompetence,” you can work toward a state of “conscious incompetence.” In time and with practice, you will shift further toward “conscious competence” and ultimately arrive at a state of “unconscious competence,” where you are socially skillful without having to think about each step.
The “Newcomer Skills”
You can use a set of strategies based on reflection and practice to master five basic newcomer skills that can help you push through your fears, adapt to new groups and make progress toward unconscious competence. These skills are:
1. “Introducing Yourself”
Introductions can lead to social connections, job opportunities and even initial employment interviews. When you start a new position, meeting new colleagues can provide you with the “information, help and advice” that can lead to success. Because self-introductions don’t fall under any clear social norms or rules, start by figuring out whom you need to meet. Your list may range across the people in your new company, from your boss’s boss to the people who serve lunch in your company cafeteria. Determine how to approach someone and what you should say based on your expectations of the relationship you seek.
Successful newcomers remember names.
Rehearse your “opening lines” – starting with a brief greeting. State your name and explain why you’re introducing yourself. Such small talk isn’t petty; it makes a difference in forging an initial communication path. To demonstrate your sincere intent, ask questions about the other person’s job, interests and expertise. “People tend to gain energy from talking about themselves.” When you end your initial conversation, thank your new acquaintance, and offer your contact information. Hopefully, the other person will offer similar information in return. Go back to your office and write down everything you remember about the encounter. Practice, reflect, improve and repeat.
2. “Remembering Names”
Names are important. When you meet people for the first time after your initial introduction, you can impress them by quickly and correctly recalling their names. You will look smart and professional. The fear of not remembering a name can make you turn away or pretend not to see a person, but you can learn techniques for preventing that embarrassing moment.
A little bit of anxiety about doing these things is actually a good thing.
Your prehistoric brain doesn’t remember names well. Introductions are the worst time to attempt to remember a new name. Take steps to reinforce the link between a person’s name and what you know about him or her. When you meet new people, distractions may keep you from getting their names into your short-term memory. The rush of information you are learning about them and about other people at that moment keeps you from moving the name to your long-term memory. Fight this “interference” by repeating the name to re-input the data into your short-term memory.
When you’re nervous, your brain releases a tiny bit of adrenaline that flows through your body and helps keep you focused and alert.
Seeing a written name helps. President Franklin D. Roosevelt visualized writing a person’s name on his or her forehead. Politicians study the guest list before they arrive at an event. To build name-recognition skills, write down new acquaintances’ names, study them and test yourself.
3. “Asking Questions”
Cultivate the skill of asking questions at work and in your social life. You may fear that asking questions could expose your lack of knowledge, thus resulting in a loss of status or leading to rejection. This can make you reluctant around busy people or those of perceived higher status.
None of the strategies and techniques…will quickly transform you into a memory savant...Like all the other newcomer skills, it takes practice to see real improvement.
To make it easier to ask questions, build friendly relationships with people before you need to ask them something. Consider beforehand exactly what you seek: Is it time, advice or permission? Know what you want and why. A quick search on the Internet will tell you if the answer you want isn’t clear or obvious. Determine who should know the answer and whether that person is approachable. If you are at a gathering, assess whether it offers a good time to approach him or her. Once you’re talking, ask brief questions. Show you’ve done the basic research and have a reason for asking. If you need more information, ask a follow-up question, but “don’t overstay your welcome.” Thank the person for helping you. Follow up about the outcome of your query.
4. “Starting New Relationships
So far, you have introduced yourself, remembered names and asked questions to start new relationships. However, the quality of your closest relationships – personal and business, old and new – is tied to your mental and physical well-being.
The key to becoming a better newcomer is to stop seeing ‘being new’ as something you fear and endure, but as an interesting challenge you can learn to improve through reflection and practice.
When you decide whom you wish to befriend and the nature of the relationship you want, how do you build from there? Start by trying to see things from the other person’s perspective, being optimistic and offering sincere compliments.
Use “reciprocity to build relationships, giving priority to others’ needs without neglecting your own.” Imagine yourself as a detective, a journalist or a good host while you draw out your new friend. For an icebreaker, invite that person to an activity that’s not in your normal frame of reference.
5. “Performing in New Situations”
People have to learn new things. Whether you take up tennis or learn to run a sales meeting, you start as a beginner and learn by practicing your new skill with and in front of other people. Even if you practice playing the guitar alone for hours, people won’t know you can play until you perform in front of them. Many people suffer from performance anxiety and enjoy an activity less if they have to do it in public. They procrastinate and sometimes quit altogether.
Once you’re integrated, productive and happy in your new group or organization, you have an obligation to ‘pay things forward’ and find effective ways to welcome those who join after you.
When you are new in a group, your fear of being judged and possibly losing status increases. Many parents and teachers inculcate the idea “that intelligence and talent are things we have rather than things we develop through practice and effort.” When underperforming students learn they can indeed improve a talent and they do get better, their anxiety lifts and their ability to learn increases. To gain confidence as you prepare for a performance, rely on rehearsals, mental walkthroughs and a written script. Decide how to handle mistakes and meditate for stress reduction. Place reasonable expectations on yourself, accept your mistakes and applaud your improvements.
“Pay Things Forward”
When you settle into your new duties and become familiar with your new firm and colleagues, give something back. Recall what it was like meeting so many new people, trying to remember names and asking questions. Make changes that will help the next group of newcomers.
Your ultimate goal isn’t simply becoming a more comfortable, confident newcomer. It’s the success and happiness you find when you’re more willing to seek out and take advantage of new opportunities and experiences.
You might offer better information, such as giving a newly hired person a list of the main people he or she needs to meet. Or put a box of fresh doughnuts on the newcomer’s desk and tell everyone to come share. The quality of a newcomer’s initial job assignment makes a long-range difference. That first set of challenges correlates with promotions and career success years later.
“Get Out There”
Since people tend to get less enjoyment from activities they repeat over time, learning and doing new things strongly relates to sustained happiness. To stay sharp, focus on easing other people’s fears and not your own. Show your interest in other people. Don’t look for perfection in yourself or others; put yourself out there, and learn or start something new.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 20, 2016
At first I really didn't like to book but inbetween it was quite interesting. But I don't think that the tips and hints (e.g. for remembering names) are usable for me.
May 12, 2021
The concepts are interesting. However, it is extremely repetitive and i think that an article of 30% of the book length would have been more than enough to express those same concepts.
September 21, 2019
One of the best things I got out of this book was the point that "ask a lot of questions" in the workplace is not inherently linked with high performance - the type of questions matter! I had been struggling to put words around why one of my colleagues in particular asks a lot of questions but has not seemed to develop the judgement or insight to, well, stop needing to ask so many questions. This colleague often asks stuff that boils down to "what do I do now?", instead of asking something more along the lines of "how would I work out what to do in this situation?" As a result, this colleague's inability to apply their own judgement to situations is starting to become really noticeable.
The gist of the book is that learning requires a growth mindset, mindfulness, realistic expectations and practice. It has some practical pointers for what to pay attention to, and reassuring stats to say that you're not alone feeling certain ways in newcomer situations. As other reviewers have noted, there was a fair bit of repetition in the text. I also found it was hard to sit and read for long stretches of time because I am easily mentally hijacked by emotional topics, and newcomer situations are inherently that. So, yeah, it took me nearly 3 months to read. Phew!
The gist of the book is that learning requires a growth mindset, mindfulness, realistic expectations and practice. It has some practical pointers for what to pay attention to, and reassuring stats to say that you're not alone feeling certain ways in newcomer situations. As other reviewers have noted, there was a fair bit of repetition in the text. I also found it was hard to sit and read for long stretches of time because I am easily mentally hijacked by emotional topics, and newcomer situations are inherently that. So, yeah, it took me nearly 3 months to read. Phew!
December 15, 2019
A Pop Self-Help Book. I think, this is written for popular audience. I've been new to many places, many situations. It usually takes 6 months - 18 months to be familiar.
Anxiety comes from uncertainty. I was expecting the author to give some real-content on sources of it, dealing with it. But it looks like one doesn't need to read this to figure it out. I remember once, I had to go to a business meeting for a corporation. I had no clue how to get to the meeting. I was new in town. I came off as nervous, anxious. While, it is natural for all new people. The one's that have lived in the same place for 10+ years would brush you off.
But hey, try moving somewhere and figuring out how to get somewhere by your own self, without anyone guiding you.
If you're 8-16 years old, I would recommend this book to learn basic skills of reading.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
Anxiety comes from uncertainty. I was expecting the author to give some real-content on sources of it, dealing with it. But it looks like one doesn't need to read this to figure it out. I remember once, I had to go to a business meeting for a corporation. I had no clue how to get to the meeting. I was new in town. I came off as nervous, anxious. While, it is natural for all new people. The one's that have lived in the same place for 10+ years would brush you off.
But hey, try moving somewhere and figuring out how to get somewhere by your own self, without anyone guiding you.
If you're 8-16 years old, I would recommend this book to learn basic skills of reading.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
March 12, 2021
I highly recommend this book if you want to feel like you're doing something to improve without actually changing anything. If you really do want to get better at making introductions, remembering names, asking questions and doing scary new things your time would probably be better spent in intentional, deliberate, reflective practice.
(Disclaimer: I picked this as part of an alphabet reading challenge because the title starts with W.)
(Disclaimer: I picked this as part of an alphabet reading challenge because the title starts with W.)
August 19, 2018
This book has a lot of great advice for people who are starting in a new job. I also liked the chapter about how to help people who are new in a position at your work, and a list of tips to try. My only complaint is I felt that a lot of the suggestions were recycled throughout the chapters and it could have been 100 pages shorter. Still has great information though. Not mad that I read it.
May 28, 2022
Some parts weren’t very applicable, but there are helpful tidbits, especially around getting into the mindset of wanting to learn and get better rather than wanting to be good at everything all the time. Definitely geared toward tips for being in a new place/meeting new people rather than general coping strategies for more frequent social anxiety.
June 11, 2025
I picked this off the shelf after seeing it next to another book I wanted to read. Overall I found it beneficial and I think after the one time read I'll be able to approach new situations with more confidence. The author loves reiterating key points using different approaches which I found helpful.
July 20, 2017
Some helpful general ideas, but nothing new.
May 5, 2018
Good if you need tips getting yourself out there.
May 8, 2018
Great how to manual for starting a new job, moving to a new city, or otherwise being new. I read before moving from Seattle to San Francisco and starting a new job.
August 28, 2018
10% new insights
40% rehash of other sources
50% filler
Some tips are so impractical it's laughable.
40% rehash of other sources
50% filler
Some tips are so impractical it's laughable.
February 13, 2023
It was OK. Kind of small though.
July 31, 2025
Read this before starting my new job. It gives helpful tips on how to meet new people and feel comfortable starting over.
February 1, 2021
There were some interesting things and some useful tips, but it was a bit underwhelming. It was very repetitive and more focus on being new at work than I expected. It could have been half the length it was and was overall just a bit mediocre.
February 13, 2016
I identified with many things in this book. Being an introvert has prevented me from developing relationships in new situations. This book helped me see that other people are the same way as I am. I was in several situations where I forgot someone's name but they remembered mine. I was embarrassed to ask them their name again. So every time I would see them again I would talk to them but looked desperately for something on them that would have their name. It was way to late now to tell them that I didn't know their name. This book showed me that other people do this too. Next time I will ask them right away to repeat their name. No big deal. I got a lot of insight out of this book.
March 17, 2016
How to be confident, comfortable, successful.
5 keys
introduce ourselves to strangers
learn and remember names
ask questions
seek out and start new relationships
perform new things in front of others
p. 16: "Ultimately, the key to becoming a better newcomer is to stop seeing 'being new' as something you fear and endure, but as an interesting challenge you can learn to improve through reflection as practice."
This book was fine and easy to read. Generally good advice, but not enough specific examples of how to enact those 5 keys.
5 keys
introduce ourselves to strangers
learn and remember names
ask questions
seek out and start new relationships
perform new things in front of others
p. 16: "Ultimately, the key to becoming a better newcomer is to stop seeing 'being new' as something you fear and endure, but as an interesting challenge you can learn to improve through reflection as practice."
This book was fine and easy to read. Generally good advice, but not enough specific examples of how to enact those 5 keys.
September 22, 2016
There are some really good insights and suggestions here. The middle third of the book is certainly worth reading. The problem is the rest of the text. It's a shame there's no market for 70-80 page books, because What To Do When You're New would have really shone if condensed and heavily edited. (Why are there bullet points on nearly every page?? Maybe this is standard fair for books on business?)
July 29, 2016
Got it from the library since I am starting a new grad program and forget what it's like to be the newbie. I don't get nervous meeting new people, so that part I didn't relate to, but I actually really like the chapter about introductions and tips for remembering people's names. I'm terrible at remembering names and I hope his tips will help me with that challenge!
October 29, 2016
Not bad, but as someone who works in a client facing position, most of these come naturally (or I've had to learn them pretty quickly - baptism by fire). I did appreciate the second to last chapter about making your workplace more newcomer friendly, and will certainly keep it around for that.
May 21, 2016
The tips in this book are indeed very useful in new social and business situations.
November 11, 2015
Very basic information; would have benefitted from more charts and less prose.
March 29, 2018
I read this for my communications class and i liked reading it because I have trouble myself talking to new people but I used some techniques as thinking as talking to new people as "getting better" than "being good." The book was repetitive but still got some points through.
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