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Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage
The definitive book for the general reader on marriage, from the bestselling author of Unfinished Business, who describes what really goes on in a marriage; why one chooses a certain partner, what systems get set up, and what the primary sources of conflict are.
428 pages, Hardcover
First published January 12, 1987
27 people are currently reading
317 people want to read
About the author
Maggie Scarf
13 books9 followersMaggie Scarf is a former visiting fellow at the Whitney Humanities Center, Yale University, and a current fellow of Jonathan Edwards College, Yale University. She was for many years a Contributing Editor to The New Republic and a member of the advisory board of the American Psychiatric Press.
Maggie Scarf is the author of six books for adults, including the acclaimed New York Times bestsellers Unfinished Business: Pressure Points in the Lives of Women and Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage. Her other books include: Body, Mind, Behavior (a collection of essays, most of them first published in The New York Times Magazine); Intimate Worlds: How Families Thrive and Why They Fail; Secrets, Lies, Betrayal: How the Body Holds the Secrets of a Life, and How to Unlock Them; and, most recently, September Songs: The Bonus Years of Marriage. She is also the author of two books for children. Her works have been published in British, Canadian, German, Hebrew, Dutch, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, French and Swedish editions.
Ms. Scarf is the recipient of numerous awards and fellowships, including a Ford Foundation Fellowship and a Nieman Fellowship in Journalism at Harvard. She has received several National Media Awards from the American Psychological Foundation, including the first prize. During the recent past, Ms. Scarf has served on the National Commission on Women and Depression, has been the recipient of a Certificate of Appreciation from the Connecticut Psychological Association, and also received The Connecticut United Nations Award, which cited her as an Outstanding Connecticut Woman. In 1997, she was awarded a Special Certificate of Commendation from the American Psychiatric Association for an article on patient confidentiality (“Keeping Secrets”), which was published in The New York Times Magazine.
She has appeared on many television programs, including Oprah, Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS News, and CNN, and has been interviewed extensively on radio and for magazines and newspapers across the nation. She currently blogs for Psychology Today.
Maggie Scarf lives in Connecticut with her husband Herb, the Sterling Professor of Economics at Yale, and is the mother of three adult daughters.
Maggie Scarf is the author of six books for adults, including the acclaimed New York Times bestsellers Unfinished Business: Pressure Points in the Lives of Women and Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage. Her other books include: Body, Mind, Behavior (a collection of essays, most of them first published in The New York Times Magazine); Intimate Worlds: How Families Thrive and Why They Fail; Secrets, Lies, Betrayal: How the Body Holds the Secrets of a Life, and How to Unlock Them; and, most recently, September Songs: The Bonus Years of Marriage. She is also the author of two books for children. Her works have been published in British, Canadian, German, Hebrew, Dutch, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, French and Swedish editions.
Ms. Scarf is the recipient of numerous awards and fellowships, including a Ford Foundation Fellowship and a Nieman Fellowship in Journalism at Harvard. She has received several National Media Awards from the American Psychological Foundation, including the first prize. During the recent past, Ms. Scarf has served on the National Commission on Women and Depression, has been the recipient of a Certificate of Appreciation from the Connecticut Psychological Association, and also received The Connecticut United Nations Award, which cited her as an Outstanding Connecticut Woman. In 1997, she was awarded a Special Certificate of Commendation from the American Psychiatric Association for an article on patient confidentiality (“Keeping Secrets”), which was published in The New York Times Magazine.
She has appeared on many television programs, including Oprah, Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS News, and CNN, and has been interviewed extensively on radio and for magazines and newspapers across the nation. She currently blogs for Psychology Today.
Maggie Scarf lives in Connecticut with her husband Herb, the Sterling Professor of Economics at Yale, and is the mother of three adult daughters.
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
January 18, 2011
Intimate Partners is not an easy read. It requires much patience to get through the detailed and occasionally vague or tangential conversations between author Maggie Scarf and her interviewees, several couples whom she uses as case studies for different kinds of marital unions. Interspersed among these conversations are discussions of theoretical concepts such as projective identification and triangulation, discussions which are informative but also lengthy and dense.
Scarf’s main thesis appears to be that people are drawn to each other through a process of projective identification, where each partner repudiates unwanted aspects of their self and projects them onto the partner. This results in collusions such as “I’ll be the caretaker and you’ll be the wounded bird,” or “I’ll be the strong and silent one and you’ll be the emotive hysterical one.” In other words, people who need to feel competent and deny their vulnerable side will choose partners who express that vulnerability for them and vice versa. This may lie at the root of the overfunctioner-underfunctioner cycles frequently observed in couples, cycles which can be initially gratifying for both partners but end up in unhappiness and often separation.
I found Scarf’s chapter on behavioral tasks for couples interesting, and also found her chapters on couples’ sexual difficulties and ways to address them useful. Whether or not therapists end up using these techniques, it is helpful to be aware of these options. I had some reservations about many of Scarf’s statements, though, especially those which came off as broad generalizations. Although Scarf includes lists of “Works Cited” for every chapter, footnotes were absent and it was not always clear which of her statements were supported by research and which were simply her own conclusions. Some of her views seemed a bit deterministic and occasionally farfetched. Additionally, aspects of the book are arguably dated as it was published in the 1980s.
Overall, while I can’t recommend Intimate Partners unreservedly I think it contains useful information. Although I found The Fragile Bond more helpful as a book about marriage, Intimate Partners is certainly worth flipping through and excerpting.
Scarf’s main thesis appears to be that people are drawn to each other through a process of projective identification, where each partner repudiates unwanted aspects of their self and projects them onto the partner. This results in collusions such as “I’ll be the caretaker and you’ll be the wounded bird,” or “I’ll be the strong and silent one and you’ll be the emotive hysterical one.” In other words, people who need to feel competent and deny their vulnerable side will choose partners who express that vulnerability for them and vice versa. This may lie at the root of the overfunctioner-underfunctioner cycles frequently observed in couples, cycles which can be initially gratifying for both partners but end up in unhappiness and often separation.
I found Scarf’s chapter on behavioral tasks for couples interesting, and also found her chapters on couples’ sexual difficulties and ways to address them useful. Whether or not therapists end up using these techniques, it is helpful to be aware of these options. I had some reservations about many of Scarf’s statements, though, especially those which came off as broad generalizations. Although Scarf includes lists of “Works Cited” for every chapter, footnotes were absent and it was not always clear which of her statements were supported by research and which were simply her own conclusions. Some of her views seemed a bit deterministic and occasionally farfetched. Additionally, aspects of the book are arguably dated as it was published in the 1980s.
Overall, while I can’t recommend Intimate Partners unreservedly I think it contains useful information. Although I found The Fragile Bond more helpful as a book about marriage, Intimate Partners is certainly worth flipping through and excerpting.
September 1, 2015
Six detailed case studies are presented that represent common formations of projective identification and collusive love. The caretaker and the wounded bird, the silent husband and the hysterical wife, problems during the child launching years, emotional and sexual triangles, sexual problems in general, the attention-seeker paired with the admiration-seeker, post-parenting problems, etc. This book defines individuation as the process by which an individual becomes differentiated from a past or present relational context. An interesting take on it.
What is heartbreaking to me is the timing in which the patterns of projective identification starts to break down. For some people in the book it happens during courtship, others when the kids are young, others when the kids are trying to move out, and for some people only after the kids have left. Sadly, these case studies are mostly left unresolved. Maggie Scarf conducted hundreds of interviews and developed this book to represent the patterns she saw.
What is heartbreaking to me is the timing in which the patterns of projective identification starts to break down. For some people in the book it happens during courtship, others when the kids are young, others when the kids are trying to move out, and for some people only after the kids have left. Sadly, these case studies are mostly left unresolved. Maggie Scarf conducted hundreds of interviews and developed this book to represent the patterns she saw.
February 27, 2025
solid 4.5 parts 1 and 2 were mega interesting i hope tom and laura end up happy
February 27, 2019
This book is great because it's practical.
It covers in detail a lot of different common experiences dysfunctional couples face using specific experiential clinical experiences (i.e. actual couples.)
The author is able to objectively walk the reader through being accountable for the part each person plays in the relationship, the conflict, the resolution, and the dysfunction itself.
The material provides exercises for the couples to work through overcoming or addressing the issues in relationships.
The book goes through experiences of success and failure. It is not a book that only focuses on the good and successful attempts at reconciliation, but also covers situations where splitting up was the outcome.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who feels like they would like to improve their communication and empathy in human relationships.
It covers in detail a lot of different common experiences dysfunctional couples face using specific experiential clinical experiences (i.e. actual couples.)
The author is able to objectively walk the reader through being accountable for the part each person plays in the relationship, the conflict, the resolution, and the dysfunction itself.
The material provides exercises for the couples to work through overcoming or addressing the issues in relationships.
The book goes through experiences of success and failure. It is not a book that only focuses on the good and successful attempts at reconciliation, but also covers situations where splitting up was the outcome.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who feels like they would like to improve their communication and empathy in human relationships.
October 15, 2009
I first read "Intimate Worlds" by Maggie Scarf, which was so deep and insightful it made me want to read more. Intimate partners is the best book I have read on the nature of intimate partner relationships. Many times while reading I had "aha" moments. If my husband's behavior is frustrating me I often flip through the book for a solution to the problem. I recommend this book to every person who is, was, or will be in a relationship. You can save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches with the information in this book.
November 16, 2013
An extensive and elaborate, yet highly interesting psychological journey deep into the marital lives and problems of several couples as case studies, and thorough analysis, treatments and after-effects she explains, through her thoughts, interviews various problems and their solutions. A must read for everyone.
August 27, 2007
I read this book years ago but what I learned in it lasts.
September 25, 2009
Excellent. You can feel like you are doomed to reenact your family history. But with insight hopefully one can make better choices.
October 8, 2009
a "self help" book that anyone in a relationship should read.
i have to read it 6 more times.
very dense. very illuminating.
i have to read it 6 more times.
very dense. very illuminating.
December 11, 2019
interesting book
July 1, 2008
Came to this via a footnote in Katie Roiphe's Uncommon Arrangments and expected more of the same. It's an interesting read in its structure, which is a lot of academic work wodged into a popular, almost-grocery-store-style book. Probably a little dated and definitely heterocentric, but interesting if those are not dealbreakers.
January 27, 2013
All in all a pretty good book. It's "verbatim" style makes the book interesting; easy to get caught up in the melodrama of the couples. Yet, it is infused with legitimate psychological theory. I enjoyed this book and would reccomend it to anyone in a (long-term or marital) relationship who is willing to take a look at their "shit."
May 22, 2008
Want to know why you still have the urge to do some crazy relationship things when your head is telling you walk away?
Good insights in this book.
It does feel somewhat fatalistic. But with the power of God people can make changes.
Good insights in this book.
It does feel somewhat fatalistic. But with the power of God people can make changes.
October 15, 2012
Really thought-provoking when I read it, some 10+ years ago. Probably dated now, but it gave me a framework to think about how relationships work, and what people look for in partners. Meanders a bit, though.
Want to read
September 15, 2008 Maggie Scarf was on "The Diane Rehm Show" on WYPR, promoting September Songs.
July 12, 2014
One of the BEST books on the essence of a solid relationship!
August 29, 2014
Nondescript
September 14, 2009
Really old book, but memorable at the time....
November 20, 2009
Immense insight into self & relationships.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews