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Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear
Essays that chronicle some of life's biggest dramas: marriage, divorce, and the quest for the perfect fashion accessory.
On the surface, Kate Carroll de Gutes’ debut collection of essays considers her sexuality, gender presentation, and the end of her marriage. But, as editor Judith Kitchen says, “peel it back, begin to take it apart, semantically and linguistically and personally, and it all comes clear.”
Kate Carroll de Gutes invites readers to become collaborators in essays about issues we all face: growing up, identity, love, loss, and sometimes, the quest for the perfect fashion accessory. With wit matched by self-compassion and empathy, the essays offer a lesson on the inevitable journey back to the places we all began.
"On every page, de Gutes reminds us that we all traverse life’s roads with one eye fixed on the receding and mirrored past.” – Stephanie Kallos, best-selling author of Broken for You.
On the surface, Kate Carroll de Gutes’ debut collection of essays considers her sexuality, gender presentation, and the end of her marriage. But, as editor Judith Kitchen says, “peel it back, begin to take it apart, semantically and linguistically and personally, and it all comes clear.”
Kate Carroll de Gutes invites readers to become collaborators in essays about issues we all face: growing up, identity, love, loss, and sometimes, the quest for the perfect fashion accessory. With wit matched by self-compassion and empathy, the essays offer a lesson on the inevitable journey back to the places we all began.
"On every page, de Gutes reminds us that we all traverse life’s roads with one eye fixed on the receding and mirrored past.” – Stephanie Kallos, best-selling author of Broken for You.
188 pages, Paperback
First published April 2, 2015
11 people are currently reading
347 people want to read
About the author
Kate Carroll de Gutes
2 books22 followersKate's debut collection of essays,
Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear,
won the 2016 Oregon Book Award for creative nonfiction and the Lambda Literary Award for memoir.
Her second book, The Authenticity Experiment: Lessons From the Best & Worst Year of My Life , was released in September 2017 by Two Sylvias Press.
Kate holds an MFA from the Rainier Writing Workshop, where she received the Deborah Tall Fellowship for Lyric Essay. That sounds really fancy and impressive, doesn’t it? Really it means she’ll have student loans until she is 72 years old and that all her liberal arts education makes her fascinating at dinner parties and book clubs. You should invite her and see for yourself. Kate will be charming and just may show up in a lovely patterned tie with a double Windsor knot.
Her second book, The Authenticity Experiment: Lessons From the Best & Worst Year of My Life , was released in September 2017 by Two Sylvias Press.
Kate holds an MFA from the Rainier Writing Workshop, where she received the Deborah Tall Fellowship for Lyric Essay. That sounds really fancy and impressive, doesn’t it? Really it means she’ll have student loans until she is 72 years old and that all her liberal arts education makes her fascinating at dinner parties and book clubs. You should invite her and see for yourself. Kate will be charming and just may show up in a lovely patterned tie with a double Windsor knot.
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
September 21, 2016
I started out, as the reader, just a bit worried. I was afraid we were in Gretel Ehrlich terrain, where the writing would be beautiful, full of astonishing metaphor, but would skirt the central issue. As in Erhlich's A Match to the Heart, where she goes on and on about what the book is ostensibly about, getting struck by lightning, while making cursory references to her divorce, and all along we are screaming at her: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MARRIAGE???
And while we may not discover all the gory details about what happened to de Gutes's marriage, we can see that this is in fact a confrontation of the failure of a marriage, which in turn is the confrontation of the development of a self, and of how that self entered into a relationship while it was still developing, and gradually, developed into someone who couldn't stay in that relationship no matter how much that realization hurt. And how much of a surprise that discovery was.
It's also about being queer and butch and learning to embrace that. By the way.
Though it could be about being driven and type A and brilliant and finding yourself in a relationship what didn't support that. (I've been reading about Edith Wharton simultaneously.) But more of us already know about that. So the butch part is inherently more interesting, at least right now.
Some of the pieces are long and reflective. Others are short. Lists. In one, "Things You Shouldn't Touch": "Your mother's hair, back-combed and sprayed perfectly into place, even though nothing else is perfect."
In another short piece, her father kills a starling. Her mother makes him tell de Gutes why. It's because he had already shot the mate. The surviving spouse was just sitting on the nest, waiting and waiting. He had to put it out of its misery, knowing as he did that the missing bird would never come home. "Do you see what he's like?" her mother asks.
That essay had started with a reflection on the author's youth, and on how, before the age of 16, it's hard to even contemplate the idea of parents not being right for one another, and then suddenly one day you wonder, Why doesn't she leave him--doesn't she see what he's like?
In one of the most painful pieces, her father calls to say that her mother has had a heart attack and is being taken to the hospital by ambulance. De Gutes says she'll meet him there. Oh, I'm not going, her father says. They'll just have a look at her blockages. Instead, of course, they embark on emergency surgery. Her father does show up for 3 of the 9 hours of surgery, but mostly de Gutes sits there alone. He is not there when her mother awakes. Through the vigil, the nurses are curious as to why this married woman's husband is not present. De Gutes realizes that "The simplest answer was the most stunning. He was here, but he left."
In another essay, de Gutes remembers going shopping with her mother for back to school dresses. De Gutes creeps off to the men's department at Nordstrom. "And dear God, I look awful in [the clothes her mother selects], like I just escaped from some Amish or Mennonite mental hospital, which is why I am downstairs lingering by the men's shirts. I _fit_ into a men's XL. ... So I am standing here alone feeling fat and unattractive and when I look up from the dress shirt with the button-down collar and French cuffs, I see an elegant femme with long strawberry blonde hair. She is wearing a tight, wool, navy-blue skirt with a kick pleat, a cream-colored blouse (silk, I'm sure) and a choker of pearls. She is tall and the blue spectator pumps she is wearing make her even more so. On her arm is the butchest woman I have ever seen. She is equally tall and wearing expensive clothes: wool gabardines trousers, riding boots,...and a perfectly pressed man's shirt. As they walk by me, the butch reaches over and pats the femme right on her beautifully rounded backside and follows its line which is so apparent against the tight wool. I have not yet seen lesbians of this ilk... nor have I yet seen such an openly gay public display of affection. This femme looks over her shoulder at me, sees all this on my face, and lets go a delicious peal of laughter."
I'm sure that was an inspiring moment in many ways, and I don't know how much permission it gave to de Gutes's sense of humor, but that humor comes through on almost every page, delightful and wry and the same time.
And while we may not discover all the gory details about what happened to de Gutes's marriage, we can see that this is in fact a confrontation of the failure of a marriage, which in turn is the confrontation of the development of a self, and of how that self entered into a relationship while it was still developing, and gradually, developed into someone who couldn't stay in that relationship no matter how much that realization hurt. And how much of a surprise that discovery was.
It's also about being queer and butch and learning to embrace that. By the way.
Though it could be about being driven and type A and brilliant and finding yourself in a relationship what didn't support that. (I've been reading about Edith Wharton simultaneously.) But more of us already know about that. So the butch part is inherently more interesting, at least right now.
Some of the pieces are long and reflective. Others are short. Lists. In one, "Things You Shouldn't Touch": "Your mother's hair, back-combed and sprayed perfectly into place, even though nothing else is perfect."
In another short piece, her father kills a starling. Her mother makes him tell de Gutes why. It's because he had already shot the mate. The surviving spouse was just sitting on the nest, waiting and waiting. He had to put it out of its misery, knowing as he did that the missing bird would never come home. "Do you see what he's like?" her mother asks.
That essay had started with a reflection on the author's youth, and on how, before the age of 16, it's hard to even contemplate the idea of parents not being right for one another, and then suddenly one day you wonder, Why doesn't she leave him--doesn't she see what he's like?
In one of the most painful pieces, her father calls to say that her mother has had a heart attack and is being taken to the hospital by ambulance. De Gutes says she'll meet him there. Oh, I'm not going, her father says. They'll just have a look at her blockages. Instead, of course, they embark on emergency surgery. Her father does show up for 3 of the 9 hours of surgery, but mostly de Gutes sits there alone. He is not there when her mother awakes. Through the vigil, the nurses are curious as to why this married woman's husband is not present. De Gutes realizes that "The simplest answer was the most stunning. He was here, but he left."
In another essay, de Gutes remembers going shopping with her mother for back to school dresses. De Gutes creeps off to the men's department at Nordstrom. "And dear God, I look awful in [the clothes her mother selects], like I just escaped from some Amish or Mennonite mental hospital, which is why I am downstairs lingering by the men's shirts. I _fit_ into a men's XL. ... So I am standing here alone feeling fat and unattractive and when I look up from the dress shirt with the button-down collar and French cuffs, I see an elegant femme with long strawberry blonde hair. She is wearing a tight, wool, navy-blue skirt with a kick pleat, a cream-colored blouse (silk, I'm sure) and a choker of pearls. She is tall and the blue spectator pumps she is wearing make her even more so. On her arm is the butchest woman I have ever seen. She is equally tall and wearing expensive clothes: wool gabardines trousers, riding boots,...and a perfectly pressed man's shirt. As they walk by me, the butch reaches over and pats the femme right on her beautifully rounded backside and follows its line which is so apparent against the tight wool. I have not yet seen lesbians of this ilk... nor have I yet seen such an openly gay public display of affection. This femme looks over her shoulder at me, sees all this on my face, and lets go a delicious peal of laughter."
I'm sure that was an inspiring moment in many ways, and I don't know how much permission it gave to de Gutes's sense of humor, but that humor comes through on almost every page, delightful and wry and the same time.
August 23, 2016
Brilliant, of course. I knew that going in. After all, Kate won this year's Lambda Award plus the Oregon Book Award. And we went to grad school together. What was an immediate delight is her skill in shifting points of view--1st person, 2nd person (yes!), 3rd--so there is none of the deadly "and then and then" that can plague a memoir in less skillful hands.
I am seduced by her acute and marvelous sense of fashion, coming out to her family, to herself within our culture. She draws me deeper into her story: bow tie or Windsor, Ikea, redoing the Edwardian house within a strained relationship. Within the early vignettes, her parents are tangential, their presence is familiar in its universality, until they become central. Both mother and father wanting, always wanting: her responses ranging from dutiful daughterhood to an adult who lives in a different universe, but one who is always looking for the truth about who they really are and why and how this has shaped the person she's become.
I feel the kind of breathless achievement at having read a 400-page novel over the weekend instead of a 168-page collection of little essays that evoke, in me, anyhow, astonishment, covetousness, exhilaration. grief and joy.
I am seduced by her acute and marvelous sense of fashion, coming out to her family, to herself within our culture. She draws me deeper into her story: bow tie or Windsor, Ikea, redoing the Edwardian house within a strained relationship. Within the early vignettes, her parents are tangential, their presence is familiar in its universality, until they become central. Both mother and father wanting, always wanting: her responses ranging from dutiful daughterhood to an adult who lives in a different universe, but one who is always looking for the truth about who they really are and why and how this has shaped the person she's become.
I feel the kind of breathless achievement at having read a 400-page novel over the weekend instead of a 168-page collection of little essays that evoke, in me, anyhow, astonishment, covetousness, exhilaration. grief and joy.
January 10, 2016
Wonderful writing - I could use any of the essays in this book in classes for examples of point of view, structure, pacing, use of interesting sentences, humor, turns, list essays, etc.
What I appreciate most about this collection is though there are sassy, smart, goodness-I-want-this-person-at-my-dinner-party essays where the speaker knows exactly how to define herself, there are so many instances where the lid flies open on the mystery of life and the speaker asks and doesn't answer unanswerable questions. This is not due to any lack of courage on the author's part, but an abundance of humility. And it's damn refreshing to find that balance in a memoir.
What I appreciate most about this collection is though there are sassy, smart, goodness-I-want-this-person-at-my-dinner-party essays where the speaker knows exactly how to define herself, there are so many instances where the lid flies open on the mystery of life and the speaker asks and doesn't answer unanswerable questions. This is not due to any lack of courage on the author's part, but an abundance of humility. And it's damn refreshing to find that balance in a memoir.
July 10, 2024
I reread this series of essays every few years just to remind myself who I am.
July 6, 2015
KCDG is a masterful writer. Her juxtaposition of irony and humor with the tender and raw realities involved with the decline of aging parents, coming to terms with her gender identity and sexuality, and recovering from the end of a long marriage had me aching with empathy and laughing along with her in the span of a few pages. Holding the ironic, the comedic and the tragic in tension like that is the sort of thing that can be accomplished only by a writer with a tremendous depth of insight on human nature. And that, along with breathtakingly precise prose and and a rhythmic beauty to her essays, is what you'll get in Objects--profound self-awareness and others-awareness that, without this being a primary intention of the book, teaches others to do the same work, ask similar questions about origins, relationships and identity.
August 24, 2015
I’ve read this book of essays three times, and continue to learn from it. DeGutes gracefully, honestly, and bravely explores the grief at the end of her marriage, wrestles with her challenging family, and shares her journey of coming out, which was not a moment, but a life-long process of learning to accept herself. The essays often use objects and their associations as they way into difficult topics. The essays also generally move backwards in time, as we learn more and more about the layers of DeGutes life. I was touched by her vulnerability and courage and was changed by this book. I highly recommend it!
July 15, 2015
Kate Carroll De Gutes is a role model and inspiration in a bow tie. The personal is political, and my horizons have been broadened at the same time I have been allowed to see more than ever that we are all human and normal. Kate is a brave woman transforming the mundane into the universal, while giving voice to more than just herself. I was moved to tears by her struggle, by the struggle of all who have faced orientational injustice. I salute and thank her for rising above the b.s.
January 18, 2016
Warm, wryly humorous, deeply human and impeccably written. Having had the pleasure of hearing Kate Carroll de Gutes read several of these essays in various Seattle-area venues, it was rewarding to be able to savor them again as written words on a page of a lovely 'real book.' I love Kate and I love this book.
February 1, 2017
I loved these short essays and stories- vignettes of a life not very dissimilar from mine, if a few decades before. deGutes has a very good way with words, and while this was an easy, read, I savored the emotion on the page. Would definitely recommend this- one of my favorites from Lez Book Club.
September 26, 2019
Just finished this smart, touching book of essays. Kate de Gutes has a knack for telling a story with heart -- and also enough bite. She writes about extremely painful realities with real feeling and A LOT of wit and humor. Not so easy to do!
Some of these tales from her life are just a page and a half long... others at a pleasant medium length. She hopskotches around in her checkered life story, trying to figure out who to love and how to make love last; what to wear to be true to her own tough/tender identity; how to handle parents who are, let's say, somewhat imperfect.
These are good explorations. They shine light on what it means to be human. And they don't forget how ridiculous the humans can be.
Some of these tales from her life are just a page and a half long... others at a pleasant medium length. She hopskotches around in her checkered life story, trying to figure out who to love and how to make love last; what to wear to be true to her own tough/tender identity; how to handle parents who are, let's say, somewhat imperfect.
These are good explorations. They shine light on what it means to be human. And they don't forget how ridiculous the humans can be.
November 7, 2017
A very readable, kaleidoscope of a memoir. If only the author were as self-aware and insightful as her writing is. From a west coast perspective she may be high-strung, self-absorbed and neurotic, but since I️ am a New Yorker her angst felt incredibly flimsy and flat. Either that or she couldn’t find the courage to plumb the depths of horror and humiliation a true neurotic gets when they take a hard, true look at themselves. This review is perhaps coming out harsher than I️ really intend, because I️ did enjoy reading the book. I️ think I️ just wanted to shake the author so she would give me more.
January 12, 2018
Many good, thoughtful, educational and humorous essays
I enjoyed the book a lot. I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of humor in the book. I enjoyed Kate's creative words very much. Read this book if you don't have gay friends, or even if you do., or even if you're gay. I feel like Kate confides in her audience some very important aspects for people to know about gay children coming to terms with their sexuality. I understand much better how this world makes it so difficult for them. There are all the usual difficulties, parents come with lots of their own flaws for kids to deal with. Life is hard, but try being gay.
I enjoyed the book a lot. I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of humor in the book. I enjoyed Kate's creative words very much. Read this book if you don't have gay friends, or even if you do., or even if you're gay. I feel like Kate confides in her audience some very important aspects for people to know about gay children coming to terms with their sexuality. I understand much better how this world makes it so difficult for them. There are all the usual difficulties, parents come with lots of their own flaws for kids to deal with. Life is hard, but try being gay.
March 23, 2020
I didn’t know I needed this book until I started reading it, at which point I realized I’ve been starved for queer narratives about stepping into your power and identity despite life falling apart around you. Seriously, I loved this book for it’s honestly and for showing me that embracing who you are can be a lifelong process, and that’s okay.Also, the writing is superb! The bookseller who recommended it (“this is the best book I ever read”) did me a favor.
August 18, 2018
Beautifully written - poignant
I found this book to be one of the most well written of any I’ve ever read. I’m recommending to my book club! Kate’s experience struggling with her sexuality as a child and not being accepted by her parents was not uncommon but her account is very insightful and sometimes difficult to read. I think every parent of a child who feels they may not be meant to live their traditional gender role should read this book. I had the good fortune to meet Kate on an 8 hour bus trip followed by her joining my husband and I for dinner, complete strangers to her before that day. I never would have known that she had these struggles and experiences based on the delightfully fun person she is now.
I found this book to be one of the most well written of any I’ve ever read. I’m recommending to my book club! Kate’s experience struggling with her sexuality as a child and not being accepted by her parents was not uncommon but her account is very insightful and sometimes difficult to read. I think every parent of a child who feels they may not be meant to live their traditional gender role should read this book. I had the good fortune to meet Kate on an 8 hour bus trip followed by her joining my husband and I for dinner, complete strangers to her before that day. I never would have known that she had these struggles and experiences based on the delightfully fun person she is now.
September 6, 2020
This book won the Oregon Book Award in 2016. Kate Carroll de Gutes writes short entries throughout about a year where she loses her best friend/editor, her mother and her marriage. Such an open, lovely series of essays that speak to the fragility of our existence and the strength it takes to get through really tough times.
January 7, 2018
I really liked this book and had the bonus opportunity to meet the author through my book club. It's a memoir, a collection of essays full of humor and humility and a story of loss, love and how we find a path forward. Highly recommend.
February 17, 2019
This book is incredible! I have had the pleasure of meeting Kate and she is so rad! Even though I have not had the same experiences in my life, Kate’s writing is so descriptive that it is easy to place myself in her picture that she has recollected.
May 4, 2018
As with most collections, some sections of this book were stronger or resonated with me more strongly.
December 9, 2018
Great slice of life essays.
February 22, 2022
The writing style was enjoyable. Some of the essays were insightful. I just didn't like the depressing content; divorce, dementia.
September 8, 2017
I won this book in a goodreads giveaway.
It was a quick easy read and held my interest.
It was a quick easy read and held my interest.
October 16, 2016
The first time I heard Kate Carroll de Gutes read was at the Jack Straw Program. Her writing comes across funny, but under that veneer she confronts the world and tells her truth, which stands in for many women; a lesbian who prefers to dress in comfortable clothing, the kind of clothing men wear; and when a long term partnership, a marriage of two wives, separates. Divorse is a sad and complicated life-event and lesbians have long been deprived of support to grieve. Kate grieves through her writing.
Reading her blog series, The Authencity Experiment, this past year, I was often moved by her reports on everyday life, everything from microaggressions to dealing with heavy emotions from her divorse and her mother's death.
Kate writes beautifully and smart. Helping her mother move into a smaller apartment is a chore, she writes this beautiful sentence, "As if the Carroll silver service with Gorham hallmarks and the avant-garde C engraved on the coffeepot, creamer, and sugar dish will mitigate the effects of an alcoholic husband; as if remembering who sent the silver compote as a wedding present could help call up the breathless belief of beginning a new life with her beloved; as if past and provenance attenuate present pity."
This is a book filled with many insightful moments that are authentic and moving. Going through TSA being called Sir. What she will or will not wear. What it is like to hide her true self. We feel her. We enter her world. Here is a quote that shows how hiding harms, "Before I was out to anybody except my two best friends, calling Judy my "roommate" seemed dangerous—as if people could see the configuration of our bedroom and know that it held one bed. Additionally, it felt disrespectful. Each time I called her "roommate" my stomach lurched and a part of me flared with anger that I had to deny my true self and the woman I loved. There is something very soul-wearying that occurs when you consistently diavow who you are and who you love...." It is this good writing and the sharing of truth that won her two awards, the Oregon Book Award and the Lambda Nonfiction Award. I look forward to her next book.
Reading her blog series, The Authencity Experiment, this past year, I was often moved by her reports on everyday life, everything from microaggressions to dealing with heavy emotions from her divorse and her mother's death.
Kate writes beautifully and smart. Helping her mother move into a smaller apartment is a chore, she writes this beautiful sentence, "As if the Carroll silver service with Gorham hallmarks and the avant-garde C engraved on the coffeepot, creamer, and sugar dish will mitigate the effects of an alcoholic husband; as if remembering who sent the silver compote as a wedding present could help call up the breathless belief of beginning a new life with her beloved; as if past and provenance attenuate present pity."
This is a book filled with many insightful moments that are authentic and moving. Going through TSA being called Sir. What she will or will not wear. What it is like to hide her true self. We feel her. We enter her world. Here is a quote that shows how hiding harms, "Before I was out to anybody except my two best friends, calling Judy my "roommate" seemed dangerous—as if people could see the configuration of our bedroom and know that it held one bed. Additionally, it felt disrespectful. Each time I called her "roommate" my stomach lurched and a part of me flared with anger that I had to deny my true self and the woman I loved. There is something very soul-wearying that occurs when you consistently diavow who you are and who you love...." It is this good writing and the sharing of truth that won her two awards, the Oregon Book Award and the Lambda Nonfiction Award. I look forward to her next book.
July 25, 2015
I was particularly intrigued with this memoir because I have many lesbian colleagues, and I have listened to their coming out tales, issues with family members, and general public criticism and harassment. I enjoyed Kate's description of the clothing that she wouldn't wear (funny!) and her tales of gay realization. As someone with a very elderly mother, the "objects do become a life raft, something to grasp onto" quote was quite touching and real for me. I find myself (in my sixties) latching onto certain sentimental things more than I have in previous decades. Because I have also experienced bypass surgery, I was moved by the detail Kate used in the description of the surgery, and the rehab that her mother endured. The chapter on "High Definition" was very interesting and informational, as we straight people are all adjusting to the terminology, pronouns, etc. to correctly use with the LGBT community.
Kate is an excellent writer, and her vocabulary and descriptions are top notch! I did find the change in the person (first and third) interesting, and I wondered why she did that in just one place in the memoir.
I was a bit confused about why Kate wrote about her father for the last several chapters. It didn't seem to belong, or it wasn't in keeping with the general theme of the book. Perhaps that's the beauty of a memoir....one can write whatever one wants to write. But the result for me was that the book ended abruptly, awkwardly, and without notice. Perhaps her relationship with her father was also awkward. I thought there must be another chapter to close it out. This is why I gave it only four stars. I highly recommend this book to anyone questioning personal sexuality.
Kate is an excellent writer, and her vocabulary and descriptions are top notch! I did find the change in the person (first and third) interesting, and I wondered why she did that in just one place in the memoir.
I was a bit confused about why Kate wrote about her father for the last several chapters. It didn't seem to belong, or it wasn't in keeping with the general theme of the book. Perhaps that's the beauty of a memoir....one can write whatever one wants to write. But the result for me was that the book ended abruptly, awkwardly, and without notice. Perhaps her relationship with her father was also awkward. I thought there must be another chapter to close it out. This is why I gave it only four stars. I highly recommend this book to anyone questioning personal sexuality.
February 7, 2017
I found this book fascinating at first. The author revealed pieces of herself slowly by introducing various objects in her life and connecting them to moments. It become more raw and real and eventually she was the object. She struggles with her identity, life choices and more than anything how to love. You become drawn into her struggles, her successes, her issues until you feel like you are a rare person who got to glimpse all of who she is. she is beautiful, complicated and human.
October 18, 2015
What a masterfully balanced book about love, identity, fidelity, and family. Self-effacing humor and huge swaths of vulnerability combined in a book of essays that left me wanting more. Can't wait to read her next book!
December 26, 2023
This book is poignant with wry observations. The author reflects on her recent divorce from her wife, and the lessons on relationships and identity that she learned from her parents. Although this book is called creative non-fiction I found it more absorbing than many novels.
December 13, 2016
Must Read
Kate writes from her heart. I grew up with her and had no idea of all that she went through.
Kate writes from her heart. I grew up with her and had no idea of all that she went through.
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews