This is a book about, as kids would say today, the old man yelling at the cloud. And it's great. No one writes like this anymore about anger. Or fury. Or flat out psychoses.
In the introduction, Taylor says that by reading this book, you are giving him permission to, upon witnessing you breaking his rules as stated in this book, beat you in the face with a wiffle ball bat. It isn't until much later that he mentions said bat has nails through it . . .
I'm not a genius. I'm smarter than the average bear, but I still laugh at stupid stuff. Usually stupid stuff I've done myself. But I really didn't want to get that wiffle ball bat to the face, nails or no, so I went through this book desperately hoping I wasn't guilty of any of the stupidity that drives him crazy enough to write a book like this.
Let's take it by each chapter. The first chapter is more like a preamble to get you prepared for the kind of stupidity you're about to read. So let's start with chapter two, which is about the stupidity of people in public. Not guilty, your honor. I mean, I've done stupid things in public when drunk out of my mind, but that's not what Taylor is talking about here. This is a psychosis I share with him. I hate going to the grocery store because no one is cognizant of their surroundings. When I'm pushing my cart to the end of the aisle, I slow down because there might be someone about to cross my path. That person will never EVER acknowledge my presence and will push by without a single glance to see if they were ever in danger of getting hit by my cart. People will linger over which kind of mustard they want, and they'll do it forever. All I want is my bottle of French's, but you're in the way and completely ignoring me. When I have no choice but to go to the store, I'm a man on a mission. I know exactly what I want, and I place it in order from right to left in the store, because I want to spend the least amount of time in there. And oblivious people make this IMPOSSIBLE.
But the one Taylor and I really share are people who don't know what they're doing on the road. They drive their cars, surprise, with no regard for the motorists around them. I've talked about my own psychotic road rage in many other places. When people do stupid things on the road, I scream at them about the horrible ways I want them to die, usually involving a dildo accident. When they do something really stupid, I get this irrational thought in my head. I need to teach them a lesson. I want them absolutely terrified of me, so I tailgate them and swerve back and forth within the lines because I want them to be so scared that they'll never do that thing they just did ever again. One time I actually followed someone to their home and parked in their driveway. Sanity returned to me when I realized that if I beat the daylights out of this moron, I would probably go to jail. Someday, you are going to find out that I've been arrested. It won't be for anything pervy, like most of you would think. It'll be because I followed an idiot home, gone to their driveway and rammed their car hard enough for it to go all the way through their garage. Don't get me started on pedestrians who can't be bothered to look up from their cell phones while crossing the street. I used to work in the Loop, and every one of these idiots are either looking at their phones or they're obsessed with looking at their reflections in the store fronts they walk past. It's like that scene in Shaun of the Dead when there are zombies everywhere, but no one seems to notice because, well, people have a zombie mindset. So yes, I'm 100% on the same page with this one.
Chapter three: airplane travel. Take my irritation with shoppers and motorists and combine them. You still won't be able to match the stupidity of someone at the airport. Once again, not guilty your Honor. I don't fly often, but when I do, I like to be prepared. I go online the night before and check in so I don't have to do it in person. I have my luggage ready for check in when I arrive so there is no possible way for me to take up more than five minutes of someone's time. But that never takes into account the idiots who have no idea what they're doing with their luggage, and some of them even try to haggle over the price of a trip or get an extra carry on or they have a carry on that won't fit under the seat or in the overhead compartment. And then there is security. You need your photo ID and your ticket in hand, which I always do. These other idiots are fumbling around through their wallet and their carry on and their purse before they can get what they need. Some even try to talk their way out of showing their photo ID. And then there's the metal detectors and x-ray machines. When I'm getting on an airplane, the only thing I carry in my pocket is my photo ID. My wallet, phone, everything is in my carry on. People still argue about the shoe thing with guards. Look, I think it's a stupid rule, too, but it's not getting bent for you, so get bent. And put your belt in the bin, you idiot. Yeah, I know. My pants don't fit me anymore, either, but that's one reason why we have hands. Hold your pants up. And then there's the terminal, and the people who argue over their place in line, and then you're on the plane and . . . *sigh* I'm a big guy. I don't like air travel. But I can fit between the armrests. It's my knees that have a problem. They're always pressed against the seat in front of me. I like the window seat because I'm guaranteed one armrest, and I get to watch us take off and land, which never gets old for me. But I'm always wedged against the wall because the people next to me ate a Buick for lunch. My God, am I the old man yelling at the cloud, too?! Yes. Yes, I am.
Chapter four: fashion. This one will be quick. I know everyone wants to look good in what they wear, but style over comfort is just too stupid. Why would you wear something that makes you stiff and aching? And yeah, I like taking a peek at a woman who is wearing a shirt that's a size too small for her boobs. I'm a guy. I'm discrete about it, but still. I'd much rather she be comfortable than for me to be able to see a moment of beauty. My style has never changed over the entire course of my life. T-shirt and jeans. That's it. Neither of them are form fitting because when I sit down, walk, etc., I want to be comfortable. I don't want to have to suck my gut in. Again, we're on the same page.
Chapter five: driving again. See above for more information.
Chapter six: the way people handle money. Mostly the way they spend it. You are never going to see me driving an Astor Martin because there's no point. I need a car to get me from point A to point B, and that's it. I have no one I need to impress, especially not myself. And I don't buy jewelry, not even for girlfriends I've had. Again, it's pointless. No fancy watches for me. No watches at all. If I wear one, my hand gets all sweaty, which has an effect on the rest of me. I stopped wearing them in college. You will never see me standing in line to get the new iSucker phone. I like to say that if I ever hit it rich, I'd get a castle and a pirate ship. But that's just not true. You'll never see me in a tie-required restaurant eating a hundred dollar steak. It could be the best steak in the world, but no meat is worth that much. The only extravagance I have is books. Well, and movies. I have more books than the average small town library. But books aren't meaningless twaddle like the other stuff I mentioned. They have more value than what you paid for them. But you're on Goodreads, so you're either an author (like me) or a voracious reader (like me), so you probably already know that.
Chapter seven: relationships. Meaning, mostly, the one in which you're in love and having sex. I really suck at those. Like, monstrously bad. That's why I don't get involved anymore. It's cheaper and sometimes more satisfying to go online and look for porn. My problem comes when I'm eventually given an ultimatum about something. I hate those, and I always have. I will always, without question, choose the option they don't want me to choose. Story time: when I was maybe 11 years old, I visited my dad and my second stepmom in Vegas. We were going to go camping. But the night before, Dad (a great cook from a long line of great cooks) made hot dogs and beans. I love hot dogs, and I ate 'em up. But I can't stand beans. I didn't touch them. Dad asked why not, and I told him why not. He then said that if I don't eat those beans, we weren't going camping tomorrow. I said, with a great deal of pride, "Then we're NOT going camping tomorrow." If I said that to my own dad, what hope does a girlfriend have? Taylor has a great idea to settle issues of compatibility with his twelve month contract plan. I'll leave you to read that one for yourself. I'll make the argument that I'm not guilty of this stupidity. When it becomes clear to me that arguments with the fairer sex are more than just arguments, that they are major resentments, I get out. I do it as politely and humanely as possible. But I'm gone before it gets worse. But the argument could be said that I am guilty of this one because I was stupid enough to propose marriage to the same woman five times over 20+ years. She even said yes a couple of times. So I plead the filth.
Chapter eight: children of stupid people. The simple fact of the matter is if you're an idiot, your kid's going to grow up to be an idiot. Dirty Harry once said, "A man has got to know his limitations." I know mine very well, and as such, I have no children and no plans to ever have them. I'm a product of abuse, and I know very well how the cycle works. If I can't stand 99% of the children already here, any kid I might have has zero chance of getting a decent upbringing. So not guilty.
Chapter nine: the state of modern art, in particular music. I only have one talent: writing. I've tried others. I tried to learn guitar in high school, but I learned that I'm tone deaf and can't even tune a guitar, much less play it. I tried painting and illustrating, but there's nothing there. I even tried sculpting once, and that did not work out well. But I write and I write well, I think. Brian Keene is fond of saying that a writer opens a vein and pours his blood out on the page, and I do that quite a bit. Sometimes I just want to make a reader laugh, but a lot of times, in particular with my book, BLOOD, it's very personal and involves an extraordinarily dark part of me that I'd rather no one else saw. I found it interesting that Taylor used slightly the same analogy as Keene. He said that musicians have to go up on stage every night and bleed. He's disgusted with how quality has gone incredibly down with music and art. I don't know if I believe that much. I read a lot of great modern books and listen to some modern music and see a lot of modern film. Much of it is great and fun. But I get what he's saying. I'm not a fan of writing room writing, if you get me. Ten to fifteen people getting together to write a story that they're not even going to tell themselves? That probably won't even look like their story by the time a director and actors are done with it? Taylor says that, yes, as a band they work together to write music, but they're the ones who are actually going on stage to perform it. I'm a huge fan of integrity in art. If you have a vision, stick to it. Take advice, sure, but don't take every piece of advice given to you. You should ignore the stuff that doesn't make sense. So I guess I'm not entirely on board with this one, but I'm on board enough for it to count.
Chapter ten: Taylor's own stupidity. He'll call everyone out for stupid stuff, up to and including himself. I know when I've done something stupid, usually after the fact, and if it's important I'll own up to it.
Chapter eleven: conclusion. A plea for people to stop being stupid. He outlines the difference between someone who is stupid and someone who is incompetent. The former just can't be fixed. The latter can be, with training and direction. Structure and focus.
So in conclusion for me, I'm 99.9% certain that if I ever met Corey Taylor, I wouldn't get the wiffle ball bat to the face. I hope that anyone reading this is on that particular page, too. Don't do anything to get the wiffle ball bat to the face. Even without the nails, it's gonna hurt.