Self Defense Against Vampires: The Official Vampire Slayer's Guide

by J.A. Kahn

Do you secretly find yourself wishing you were a vampire? Maybe you want to be romantically involved with one and wish your name was Bella. Or are you holding out for that unrealistically handsome, young vampire to flyaway with to some far off exotic graveyard? Perhaps it's an enchantingly beautiful vampiress to serenade in the dead of night that you long for! If so, then this book is definitely not for you! You won’t find any gorgeous, shimmering vampires dating stroppy, misguided teenage drama queens here. No way!

But, if you are looking for the kind of exhilaration you can only get from kicking a vampire in the butt and then running like hell, or have the urge to plunge a stake through a vampire's chest but just don’t know how, then you have come to the right place! This book will teach you everything you need to know. From vampire anatomy and physiology, to the signs you need to be alert to in suspected vampires. From how to defend and save yourself and your loved ones from ending up as vampire drink dispensers, to debunking all the myths and superstitions surrounding the vampire realm. This book has it all and more. Written by a professional vampire slayer with a glittering, decades-long career of active vampire slaying experience, and winner of countless prestigious international monster-killing awards, you can be sure you are reading the very finest, and most cutting edge advice available.

If you are a parent or teacher, you owe it to the children under your care to buy this book and read up on this extremely important subject before it is too late! Learn how to identify possible signs of vampire tendencies or infatuations in your teenagers, and know when to interfere accordingly.

What the experts are saying about this book:

"The most important work written on the field of defense against vampires. This book is an absolute must-have for any would-be vampire slayer!" The South American Alliance Against Vampires.

"An essential read for any teenager, young adult, teacher, priest or parent concerned with the unholy rise of the vampire menace. His Eminence is planning to issue a Vatican Directive instructing all cardinals to acquaint themselves thoroughly with the advice in this book!" The Vatican Vampire Awareness Committee.

"Probably the single most important treatise on vampirism and the inherent threat it possesses written by any one author in over four centuries. Heir Kahn hits the nail on the head with his knowledgable approach to this most dangerous adversary." The Vampire Eradication League of Vienna.

“Practical, sincere and damned effective advice, I would hate to be a vampire knowing this book is out there!” The Guild of Vampire Hunters, Dublin.

177 pages, ebook

First published April 24, 2015

About the author

Kahn is one of those 'been there, done that' types. He leads a delightfully chaotic life as dad, husband, writer, gardener, and DIY dabbler. He’s kept ant farms, tropical fish, and even a school hamster, which, much to his embarrassment, escaped over the summer hols never to be seen again. He’s built ponds that disappointingly only attracted gnats, but successfully raised 27 Rhode Island Red hens until a fox came a calling one night and put an end to the enterprise. He currently has two cats—one of whom routinely goes AWOL for months at a time.

Kahn pours all this joyful mayhem into his books, which are spooky-but-fun and full of vampires, werewolves, hungry slugs, and talking critters. His stories are more Scooby-Doo than Stephen King, and so are perfect for kids and anyone young at heart.

His latest books (penned under the name Khan - yes, that's how zany he is), include Little Mouse With The Big Mouth, a wild mouse adventure for children aged 7–10 years. It's about truth-telling, friendship, and self-sacrifice. Meanwhile, The Witch of a Thousand Needles is a dark fairytale set in olden days Japan and is perfect for the more adventurous reader.

Reviews

[Dianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This could be, without a doubt, one of my most important reviews ever.

There are many "How To...For Dummies" books out there, but NEVER have I found one more compelling, more entertaining and filled to over-flowing with the straight facts from an expert.

Vampires, they are not those hot and sparkly creatures we have come to know and love. They are NOT descendants of Dracula. Yes, they were once human. No, it does not require the bite of a vampire to turn. All it takes is a twisted soul, the ability to deceive and over-self-confidence in fooling most of the people most of the time. They love power, they can be smooth talkers and they prey on John Q. Public, even before they have completely turned.

Garlic? You will repel more humans than vampires with garlic breath. Have a fantasy involving falling in love with a vampire? Passionate kisses shared? Perhaps you need to understand their excretory system before puckering up, because trust me, that kiss will not only be disgusting, but it will be your last.

J.A. Kahn has done the world a great service as a professional, award winning vampire slayer by writing this informative tome. SELF DEFENSE AGAINST VAMPIRES: THE OFFICIAL VAMPIRE SLAYER'S GUIDE from start to finish is filled with, um...fascinating information presented in a gloriously hilarious way. DO NOT miss the author's rambling before the books starts. Do NOT miss the author's bio. I, for one, can honestly say, after reading this, I feel better just knowing that I am better able to identify true vampires and can probably escape only a quart or two low.

Seriously, I had tears in my eyes laughing throughout page after page of clever, tongue-in-cheek reading! True, this may never become one of the classic greats, but mores the pity, because J.A. Kahn has a sense of humor topped by none!

I would like to thank J.A. Kahn for providing me with possibly life-saving reading.

Publisher: Geko Maran Publishing Ltd; 1 edition (April 24, 2015)
Publication Date: April 24, 2015
Genre: Paranormal Self - Defense | Humor | YA
Print Length: 186 pages
Available from: Amazon | Barnes & Noble
For Reviews & More: http://tometender.blogspot.com

[J.A. Kahn]

I wrote this book so don't want to blow my own trumpet - though my fingers are hovering over the 5-star ratings key!!!!!

[A. Cook · Rating 4 out of 5]

Self Defense Against Vampires J.A. Kahn's Self Defense Against Vampires is a very interesting concept. Its a fictional novel that reads as a possible textbook or self-help book. It skillfully takes jabs at popular vampire romance (the Twilight series especially) and pokes fun at individuals who may have contemplated becoming a vampire. The book discusses the anatomy and physiology of vampires in a way that no other book has and it fed my need for background and detail. Especially, if the reader of this book is a believer in vampires or just likes vampire based fiction, then this is the book for you. The author provides so much detail about the creatures physical appearance, likes/dislikes, thought processes, historical background, habitat and behavior that the content is totally believable. Now, this is not for those looking for a nice and neat vampire romance. Nope, not in the least but the read was very entertaining and informative. 
Thank you to the author for providing his work in exchange for an honest review

[Kayla Krantz · Rating 5 out of 5]

~I received a free copy of this book for my honest review~

Witty and humorous, Self Defense Against Vampires is definitely the most fascinating take on the vampire myth that I have yet to read. This fictional narrative is written as a self-help book for people in the event that they may need to battle a vampire. The writer tells the reader of various “myths” and things to look out for regarding the “truth” of the vampire myth in a very satirical manner. The author gives a very extensive history of everything and anything a vampire fan would need to/want to know on the subject. If you’re a fan of vampires, this is definitely the book for you though if you’re a Twihard, it may poke fun at you a little!

[Evangeline · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was entertaining! As someone who loves supernatural beastiology, I loved it. It was funny, felt serious enough to be a textbook, and was an easy read.

I have two complaints.

#1. The beginning was a bit slow. The "warnings" drug on a tad too long for my taste.
#2. I didn't feel as though I walked away with anything.

I was entertained, for sure, but this book didn't add anything to my life. I don't expect every book to change my life, but I do expect to be given something to: think about, want to change, hate, etc.
Some emotion other than a vague "Yeah, that was fun."

If I saw it on the shelf of my library, I would have probably checked it out, but I don't think I would buy it.

[Sian Iola Percival · Rating 4 out of 5]

Free book in exchange for honest review- unfinished.
I got this book for free from the author in exchange for an honest review. Because of this I am writing down my thoughts as I go. This isn't my usual kind of book I read very little of the 'how-to' style books, because I find them unentertaining and usually have to force myself to continue reading them. I decided part way through to stop reading the book, whilst I enjoyed it it wasnt my kind of book and stopped.
This book was more like a biography that included the information to survive, within the first couple of pages it reminded me of the books in Grimm, created to record and instruct.
The book is made fun by the author consistently taking the piss out of every other Vampire related fiction already in existence and comparing it to their work and the fact that theirs is better for your survival.
Whilst this isn't a fiction book in the normal sense it almost appears so by the authors description of the world in which their life takes place.
Vampire biology lesson. The next section focused on the biology of a vampire this is very helpful to learn it is still quite complex and probably requires GCSE biology to completely understand. This books is looking like the perfect book to read to understand vampires, it's not just some quick kill guide but a way for you to understand how the vampire operates and how it's body runs.
Each chapter of the book is focused on a specific part of survival or killing the vampire. Such as the weapons of the vampire And its defences.
At this point I decided to stop reading the book completely as it just wasn't my thing, it is a very good book and defiantly worth reading if you enjoy these kinds of books, or love vampires.

[Igor Eliseev · Rating 5 out of 5]

Self Defense Against Vampires is a useful necessary and humorous book describing in detail when and how vampire lives may be taken. Written in grotesque visual language, it immerses us in places where visually the presence of human beings is almost non-existent. However there is one “problem”: World Famous Vampire Hunter Dr. J.A. Kahn, who has dedicated his professional life exclusively to vampire-slaying. And here is The Official Vampire Slayer’s Guide, which provides valuable information about strengths and weaknesses of nocturnal fiends with special attention to how to be saved from a potential vampire attack and other things like vampire biology, vampire’s sophistication, the history of origin and, of course, Dr. J.A. Kahn’s highly impressive 13,000 and something vampire kills. It would be interesting to know whether Edward Cullen was among them!
So, from now on, the more I buried myself in this book, the happier I was of not found myself in the surreal position of being a vampire. It would be very annoying to meet with the author of this sacramental opus. Amongst other things, there’s also helpful information on how not to be a vampire snack and how not to marry them anymore. Overall, Self Defense Against Vampires is an easy, fun and quite educational book that will surely interest you!

[Self-Professed Book Hoarders · Rating 4 out of 5]

J.A. Kahn's Self Defense Against Vampires is a very interesting concept. Its a fictional novel that reads as a possible textbook or self-help book. It skillfully takes jabs at popular vampire romance (the Twilight series especially) and pokes fun at individuals who may have contemplated becoming a vampire. The book discusses the anatomy and physiology of vampires in a way that no other book has and it fed my need for background and detail. Especially, if the reader of this book is a believer in vampires or just likes vampire based fiction, then this is the book for you. The author provides so much detail about the creatures physical appearance, likes/dislikes, thought processes, historical background, habitat and behavior that the content is totally believable. Now, this is not for those looking for a nice and neat vampire romance. Nope, not in the least but the read was very entertaining and informative.

Thank you to the author for providing his work in exchange for an honest review

[PJ Lea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don't skip a single word!

If you only ever read one book about vampire defence it should be this one.
Fascinating, informative and fun to read. I now feel able, with the help of a professional hunter, to protect myself against an attack from these awful creatures, whether they are sparkly or not.
The author is to be thanked for sharing his wisdom, rather than keeping it to himself.

[Lilly · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a highly sarcastic informational book on the common vampire, which may or may not exist. ;) I thought what I read was funny; I recognized myself in the author's matter-of-fact yet humorous view of the world. However, I felt like a little too much time was spent on how people in general stereotypically perceive vampires, and by chapter 4 I still hadn't gotten much of what I was hoping for out of this book. I feel like the first three chapters could have been condensed into one, and I wish that the chapters had more of a clear topic and direction. Unfortunately I won't be finishing this book, because I think that it needs revisions before it's truly reader ready. With some polishing and condensing, this book could definitely become more entertaining, and worthy of a reader's time. I hope that the right improvements can be made so that this book can be successful!
-I was offered a digital copy of this book from the author in exchange for an honest review.-

[Marlee McAbee · Rating 4 out of 5]

First off, thanks to the author for a free copy in return for my leaving a review!

I gotta say, fictional textbooks aren’t something I’ve come across very often, but this was really a fun concept. The vampires described are different from any I’ve ever seen, which I think is saying something given the extent of vampires in pop culture (of which there are several funny little tongue-in-cheek references). While being structured as a sort of textbook, though, the commentary provided kept it engaging, with anecdotes from the author’s personal experiences and dry comments that made me chuckle. This read is that rare thing; a unique vampire book.

[Melanie Marsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Self Defense Against Vampires is a great book for vampire lovers and aspiring vampire hunters alike. It's a great concept. I enjoyed this book much more than I've enjoyed others that are similar in content. It is well written and contains enough humor to keep the reading light and fun instead of stuffy and serious.

There are so many great elements of this book, I hardly know where to begin.

I’ll start at the beginning. The chapter titles are clever and entertaining. Each one is unique and creative while capturing the essence of the chapter’s subject matter. Many times, I read books with chapter titles that make no sense to me and feel totally unrelated to what is going on in the story, or are just chapter numbers. It was nice to see that even the chapter titles in this book were entertaining.

This book is full of wit and humor while clearly cautioning the reader to the dangers of vampirism. It dispels several of the more commonplace myths, and is a truly informative guide to surviving a potential vampire attack. I feel a bit safer after reading this book in the event I am ever accosted by one of the historically nocturnal fiends.

I have to admit, I am quite impressed with the author, world famous vampire hunter Dr. J.A. Kahn, and his over 13,000 vampire kills! How does he find the time for other important things in life, such as grocery shopping and Facebook? I suppose if there is anyone that can be considered an expert in vampire slaying it would be Dr. Kahn. I do feel worried for Dr. Kahn’s personal safety after becoming such a well-known and experienced slayer. I’m sure there are plenty of vampires who would be happy to give him a taste of his own medicine, or worse yet, transform him into the very enemy he has hunted for so long.

In addition to being entertaining and humorous, Self Defense Against Vampires is also quite educational. Kahn gives us a thorough history of the vampire myth and does it in an easy to understand way. His writing style and tone keep the reader’s attention while providing useful information in a way that doesn’t make you feel bogged down with facts.

Overall, this was one of the best books I’ve read this year. I highly recommend Self Defense Against Vampires to anyone and everyone I can convince to read it.


Merged review:

Self Defense Against Vampires is a great book for vampire lovers and aspiring vampire hunters alike. It's a great concept. I enjoyed this book much more than I've enjoyed others that are similar in content. It is well written and contains enough humor to keep the reading light and fun instead of stuffy and serious.

There are so many great elements of this book, I hardly know where to begin.

I’ll start at the beginning. The chapter titles are clever and entertaining. Each one is unique and creative while capturing the essence of the chapter’s subject matter. Many times, I read books with chapter titles that make no sense to me and feel totally unrelated to what is going on in the story, or are just chapter numbers. It was nice to see that even the chapter titles in this book were entertaining.

This book is full of wit and humor while clearly cautioning the reader to the dangers of vampirism. It dispels several of the more commonplace myths, and is a truly informative guide to surviving a potential vampire attack. I feel a bit safer after reading this book in the event I am ever accosted by one of the historically nocturnal fiends.

I have to admit, I am quite impressed with the author, world famous vampire hunter Dr. J.A. Kahn, and his over 13,000 vampire kills! How does he find the time for other important things in life, such as grocery shopping and Facebook? I suppose if there is anyone that can be considered an expert in vampire slaying it would be Dr. Kahn. I do feel worried for Dr. Kahn’s personal safety after becoming such a well-known and experienced slayer. I’m sure there are plenty of vampires who would be happy to give him a taste of his own medicine, or worse yet, transform him into the very enemy he has hunted for so long.

In addition to being entertaining and humorous, Self Defense Against Vampires is also quite educational. Kahn gives us a thorough history of the vampire myth and does it in an easy to understand way. His writing style and tone keep the reader’s attention while providing useful information in a way that doesn’t make you feel bogged down with facts.

Overall, this was one of the best books I’ve read this year. I highly recommend Self Defense Against Vampires to anyone and everyone I can convince to read it.