How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work: Seven Languages for Transformation

by Robert Kegan, Lisa Laskow Lahey

Why is the gap so great between our hopes, our intentions, even our decisions-and what we are actually able to bring about? Even when we are able to make important changes-in our own lives or the groups we lead at work-why are the changes are so frequently short-lived and we are soon back to business as usual? What can we do to transform this troubling reality? In this intensely practical book, Harvard psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey take us on a carefully guided journey designed to help us answer these very questions. And not just generally, or in the abstract. They help each of us arrive at our own particular answers that can solve the puzzling gap between what we intend and what we are able to accomplish. How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work provides you with the tools to create a powerful new build-it-yourself mental technology.

Genres: Leadership, Psychology, Business, Communication, Nonfiction, Self Help, Personal Development

256 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

Robert Kegan is a developmental psychologist, consulting in the area of adult development, adult learning, professional development and organization development.

He taught at Harvard University for 40 years until his retirement in 2016.

The recipient of numerous honorary degrees and awards, his thirty years of research and writing on adult development have contributed to the recognition that ongoing psychological development after adolescence is at once possible and necessary to meet the demands of modern life.

His seminal books, The Evolving Self and In Over Our Heads, have been published in several languages throughout the world.

Reviews

[Marc · Rating 2 out of 5]

Why is it acceptable for business/management books to be horribly written? Kegan and Lahey have some interesting ideas and strategies that can positively impact a group, but they are wholly unable to clearly express these ideas in a succinct and easily-understood manner.

The basic premise of this book is that the language we use is important in addressing issues, providing feedback, resolving conflict, and allowing for personal growth. They describe seven tweaks to our mindset that can shift us from a path of being stuck to one of forward motion. For example, the first shift moves us away from complaints so we begin considering what we're passionate about. Others have us look at the meanings we attribute to our beliefs, the assumptions we hold about ourselves and others, and how we can develop approaches to group communication that allow us to work together instead of against each other. These are helpful ideas that, if expressed in a straightforward manner, would be useful in countless circumstances.

Unfortunately, Kegan and Lahey aren't able to express their ideas in a simple and straightforward manner. There are two major problems in this regard:

1. The ideas here could be wholly explained in 75 pages or less. That's not enough for a book, so they pad this with lengthy (and boring) "case studies," have sample responses to their points that are repeated 3-4 times (in case the reader suffers from poor short term memory, I suppose), transcribe unrealistic discussions that last for pages, and use complex language and horribly-constructed sentences that confuse their theories.

2. They're not good writers. Two examples: "Although we don’t usually consider we hold commitments such as these, if we do they name not just something we are stuck with, like a cold or a bad back, but interestingly an active, energy-expending way of living," or "They name a way our creativity is being continuously spent, and spending it this way may be a clue to how our own temporizing equilibrium—our own immune system—sustains itself." The unnecessary complexity beyond even the confusing writing is seen perhaps most clearly in a baseball metaphor they use in the final chapter: the on-deck circle has three exercises--stepping back from my vantage point, stepping back from my theory of conflict, and stepping back from my theory of the other person--before you start to run the bases: KB4E, AL2CG, S+reS, and finally DDC! This is the best they could do to explain a conversation? I believe that if you can't clearly express an idea, you don't clearly understand it. I question whether Kegan and Lahey clearly understand their own ideas.

I'll add that for two professors from Harvard, the lack of modesty isn't surprising (seriously, these two are exceptionally proud of themselves) but the lack of research is. They share no studies, data, or evidence for the efficacy of their model. It looks good (once you wade through the writing), but everything is anecdotal.

This book cries out for a brief summary, and perhaps one exists somewhere. There are great ideas buried in this book, but it shouldn't take so much effort to find them.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full disclosure: I read this book for my Masters of Organizational Development class. While many of the concepts of the book are not new - and the writing is pretty circular - I found the book to be quite useful professionally and personally.

If I had to boil the premise down, I'd say this book is about transforming the way we work by transforming the way we see ourselves and interact with others - and particularly about how we view and engage in conflict. There are a number of helpful exercises that allow the reader to identify assumptions and commitments that we have that are so fundamental to the way we operate that we do not even realize we are making them. Once you get a sense of your "Big Assumptions", there a number of tools suggested to help recognize our biases and open ourselves to others points of view. I can see using several exercises or the book as a whole as a leadership development tool within my company.

While it might be interesting for anyone to read, I think it would probably be most useful for folks interested in developing leadership skills or those in the HR or T&D fields.

[Eugene Pustoshkin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the most accessible of Robert Kegan et al.’s books. As I was editing (as a scientific/terminological editor) its Russian translation, I was quickly learning basic steps for charting the immunity to change and applying it to practice immediately. This book is really good. It is brief, it pinpoints the relation of the stubborn resistance to change in individuals and organizations to the adaptive equilibrium that our habitual structure of mind has (i.e. the so-called immunity). In order to catalyze transformative change one has to make his/her/their subject (the primary filter) an object of awareness. The authors offer a step-by-step instruction how to do it: first, bringing your hidden subject (or at least a part of it) to your awareness, then carefully studying its basic premises (big assumptions) and how they are activated in daily activities, then crafting a safe experiment, and continuing such a work through iterations. It takes a lot of time to shift the entrenched habits of mind and change both individual and collective behavior. The seven languages of transformation offer very useful tools towards creating a holding environment which necessarily a language community that supports change.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will read this book again and again in my professional life; it provides a set of tools for transformative change unlike any other I have seen. Major lightbulbs went off over and over as I read this.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was an assigned reading during seminary for field education. After several years I went back and reread the book, and wrote a book review for another seminary course on Church Leadership.

I recommend the book for anyone but especially consider it a valuable tool for engaging discussions around the topic of conflict and change. ... below is the opening to the book review, of which the entire text can be located on Academia.edu


___It is generally agreed that the difference between Homo Sapiens and all other species is an ability to reason and communicate with great complexity. Humans are social animals, coming together in myriad patterns to create community and engage in enterprises of industry, creativity, and spirituality. Kegan and Lahey, in their book dissect patterns and motivations behind the words we use in these diverse endeavors, and offer up from that analysis, alternative modes of communication.

Leadership, whether sought for or befalling upon someone as a default of one’s position within any organization is so pervasive to society that anyone can benefit from reading and working through the activities which are provided throughout this book. As a foundation for their analysis is recognition also, of three “forces of nature” which they contend also apply to human interaction. The forces of entropy, that systems all gradually fall apart; negentropy, the ability to gain wisdom over time, in spite of an aging process which takes us all the way of our ancestors; and dynamic equilibrium, the force which seems inevitably present in all things to maintain the status quo. With this foundation of basic patterns of life cycle, they lay out means for analysis and transforming interactions among all players within the system. They do so using behavioral theory and psychology.

The layout of analysis is into three parts; two broad categories, internal languages, and external languages; and a third section entitled “Carrying on the work:

[Andy Cleff · Rating 1 out of 5]

After seeing a review/summary of this book, I really really wanted to like it. But I couldn't. About 7 pages of great ideas, plus 249 pages of the usual Harvard business school filler.

[Sunny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this overall and it followed some of my own thinking around Brutiful Conversations. (BCs is a concept that an incredible and inspirational friend of mine, currently living the high life in sunny Australia, and I co-created) (Diamonds are forever ...) The key premise of this book was that organisations should not shirk away from creating spaces and environments and a language infrastructure that allows individuals to get to the heart of some of the biggest conversational challenges that individuals will always face when they work together. It's like recognising that there will always be elephants in your room and giving them a space in which they can roam. As childish Gambino raps in “this is America”: “i got a strap, i gotta carry em”. Give people a “handle” and they will start to lift things. (unfortunately guns in the case of Childish). Give people a space to pour their heart out and people will talk. As leaders we need to carve grooves into the fabric and the culture of our organisations that allow these brutiful conversations to take place; both the brutal development and the beautiful praise (or ongoing regard) as the authors call them. The 7 languages of transformation were. 1. Language of complaint to commitment. 2. Blame to responsibility. 3. New year's resolutions to competing commitments. 4. Language of big assumptions. 5. Praising to ongoing regard. 6. Rules to public agreements. 7. Constructive to deconstructive criticism.

Anyway, enough from me rambling. Here are my main bits from the book:


But strange as it may sound even though something is surely gained when a problem is solved something is also lost. The one thing we lose is the problem. But that’s the point the conscientious professional responds. What could be wrong with having one less problem? Our reply is that without doubt many problems may need only to be solved. But if we regard all our problems as bugs in the system the best we will ever do in removing them is to preserve the system and it may well be responsible for producing the bugs in the first place! When we solve a problem quickly the one thing we can be certain of is that we ourselves are the same people coming out of the problem as we were going into it. The idea is not so much that the learners solve the problems as that the problem solves the learners. The good problems require the student to stretch and change their own understanding for example.


This premise that work settings are language communities brings us to a specific premise: all leaders are leading language communities. Though every person in any setting has some opportunity to influence the nature of the language leaders have exponentially greater access an opportunity to shape alter or ratify the existing language rules. In our view leaders have no choice in this matter of being language leaders; it just goes with the territory. We have a choice whether to be thoughtful and intentional about this aspect of our leadership or to unmindfully ratify the existing drift of our communities favoured forms.

Why is there so often so much of a slip between the cup of our genuine aspirations for change both personally and collectively and the lip of so little lasting change actually taking place.

We call this the thinking we are doing but since we are not really paying attention to our channel selection we are not so much thinking as “being thought”. We don’t really have those thoughts; they have us. There is the old sports channel the old news channel and the all-complaining channel. We just flip from one channel to the other and let our thoughts be channelled.

Ongoing regard (the praise part of brutiful conversations) is not about praising or stroking or positively defining a person to herself or to others. We say it again: it is about enhancing the quality of a precious kind of information. It is about informing the person about our experience of him or her. There is a distinct difference.

It amounts to considering that our perspectives are not necessarily the same as the thing itself. This is the classic philosophical distinction between phenomena (shaped reality and our experience of a thing) and noumena (The essence of the thing itself).

But the ongoing health of organisations around the world actually depends on leaders abilities to foster processes that enhance the possibility of collectively experienced public organisational integrity.

The ancient Greeks evaluated a society by its practice or neglect of a set of civic virtues of which one of the most prized was the capacity for collectively experienced outrage, the capacity to summon a shared sense of righteous indignation. You may feel less a part of this cohesive society today not so much because of all the outrageous behaviour we see reported in the media but by the way we are deprived of an accompanying sense of collective offensive in response to the outrageous behaviour.

We do not see conflict even ongoing conflict as necessary debilitating or dysfunctional for organisational life. Rather it is conflicts unproductive use: it’s misuse actually that is debilitating and dysfunctional. But every leader leadership team as a language shaper has the opportunity to create a frame for understanding and using conflict that not only prevents it from undermining the good order of the organisation but actually transforms it into a resource for individual and organisational learning.

The language of deconstructive conflict grows out of the belief that it is not conflict itself that is dangerous or dysfunctional: it is instead the Familiar framing of conflict Into the language of personal attribution and depreciative characterising.

We need to understand some of our big assumptions a lot better and to do that we can create a biography of that big assumption. So for example how long have I lived with this big assumption for when was it born and under what circumstances? What has helped this assumption grow and have there been any significant turning points in its development? What is its life expectancy? The intention here is to dig out the roots of the assumption and in doing so make its history an object of attention.

When you create a place for something, it is remarkable how much more likely the thing is to occur. This is what we meant by leading a language community. The idea is not only that leaders should pay attention to how they speak and what they say also that leaders have the opportunity to create places or channels for unusual forms of communication between and among all members of the community.

Politicians used to promise a chicken in every pot: now they promise computers in every classroom and now as then the promise elicits exuberant applause as if one has been given a glimpse of salvation but what if more of the same only harder only heals some of the same but we must do something different then coast on the momentum of the information we are inundated with.

We are already the most over informed under reflective people in the history of civilisation. We already have a 24 hour news cycle Internet newspapers and continuous information about the day-to-day unfolding of proceedings thousands of miles from our homes. This type of infobesity and information leads to knowledge in the form and “education” (not knowledge or info) leads out of the form itself.

[nadeem · Rating 5 out of 5]

My dad is ecstatic over my desire to rip out the bad qualities I have fostered in my approach to conversation, relationships, and work. He's a professor of management and human behavior, so he's had lot's of great sugggestions.
This was the first one and so far it's looking to be a valuable look into how we prevent ourselves from change and how to preclude that prevention :)
It can be approached by a small group, each person endeavoring to improve himself, sharing with the others and using them to reflect back on himself or it can be approached individually. It has little excercises for reflection and self-analysis between the expositions and is, so far, what it promised to be.

[Jules · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good stuff. Lots worth underlining here, even if some of it seems to be a lighter weight precursor to Immunity to Change, which I also look forward to reading. In my work I think the public agreements framework is definitely useful, and often something we do without being explicit about the likelihood of violation as a learning opportunity. The competing commitments framework is really eye-opening, but time will tell if I'm actually able to build in the reflection to make it a practice of questioning my own assumptions.

[Beth Bender · Rating 3 out of 5]

The content of this book is excellent but I felt as I often do reading nonfiction books, i.e. the ideas could have been communicated in less than half the number of pages. The writing style is overly complex and academic, using WAY too many words. Could have used better editing and more concise prose.

[John Hilton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy-to-read and super helpful. Potentially life-changing. The ideas in this book have really helped shape me.

[Ruth · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had a lot in common with the learnings from cognitive coaching. It was a good review of important concepts.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

This title had been on my shelf for quite some time. A few years ago, while studying for my doctoral degree, a group of students to which I belong read An Everyone Culture: Becoming a Deliberately Developmental Organization by Kegan and Lahey. I enjoyed that book, and the authors made a passing reference to this one. Finally, nearly seven years after purchasing it, I got the chance to pick it up.

Generally, it did not disappoint. Given its publication in 2001, it was somewhat interesting to consider the frame through which digital connections were noted in this book. I wonder how the ways we connect now, 22 years later, would influence the writing. Fortunately, I believe the seven languages translate to today's environment.

I appreciated the interactive nature of the writing. Yes, I actually sketched out the "assignments" in my journal, using an experience at my consulting firm to explore my internal commitments and big assumptions. Doing so was a great way to engage with the material.

The first four (internal) languages came off the page sufficiently in the first part of the book, so much so that I didn't pick up a lot of extra insight from the subsequent chapter about bringing the internal languages to life. Conversely, though I felt the description of the social languages to be sufficient, the chapter about bringing them to life was particularly strong. It tied the entire book together for me, and caused my to close the back cover with a sense of satisfaction.

It's important that we take developmental books like with a grain of salt. That said, I anticipate coming back to this one. There were times reading the penultimate chapter about brining the social languages to life that I thought of my roles as a professor and a consultant, and ideas abounded about enhancing the connections I make with my students and clients. I'm excited to try those things out. All-in-all, this was a solid title, easy to read, with actionable advice that has stood up to at least the past 20 years. A good read!

[Irina Damascan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Robert Kegan is a true disseminator of actions and micro-interactions that happen in the workplace ( and not only ) which lead to radical mind shifts. His powerful tools manage to transform in a relatively non-invasive way even the most difficult of minds. However, a good tip for those who read this book is to not impose it on their managers and try to work themselves first in working with these tools for personal mastery. For sure the "ego" will push many to recommend to their managers who "need it more" but I believe the gain comes from starting to practice these things yourself and observing how nurturing a new environment will attract new opportunities and less toxic workplaces. It's a radical way to work on organizational transformation by investing in individuals rather than frameworks that lead from top to bottom. This is why the transformation will have more sustainability long term than any other leadership books meant for the managers themselves. Personal mastery of these languages tackles a range of skills that are developed along the way, one being non-violent communication and another being the ability to speak our minds while being empathetic and vulnerable in the expression of needs.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this book rather than read it. with all of the exercises it has you go through, I highly recommend reading this vs listening. and even more read with a group of co workers who want to improve communication the same you do. doing this on my own and listening, I'm not sure I got the full impact.

that said the book was a lot about immunity to change and what it takes to truly transform vs just saying you want to change. all valid and good and known information. definitely easier said or listened to than done.

[Rod Naquin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is better than I expected. While it’s not abt the granular words and utterances of discourse that I’m most fascinated with, it does—in workbook style—guide folks through purposeful reflection of their assumptions, goals, « immunities », etc. It reminds me a lot of « Radical Candor. » I’ll blog abt this book soon

[Soneso · Rating 2 out of 5]

Atraida por los scores y sus títulos tan sugerentes, tomé la mala decisión de comprar a la vez tres libros escritos por estos mismos autores. Los tres han resultado igual de infumables. Apenas un par de ideas interesantes rodeadas de cientos de páginas escritas en un lenguaje farragoso y academicista.

[Maria Grigoryeva · Rating 3 out of 5]

Yet another summary of technics on how to deal with the "immunity to change". It is a bit too extended, examples are repeated again and again, i found it hard to drag through the multitude of words to the essence of the practical advice. May be more useful for those who didn't read other books on the subject matter.

[Wendy Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book challenges one to self awareness and reflection. It can give practical exploratory tools to transform your professional self. I would probably like to have this on an annotated audiobook to remind self about it’s informative points.

[Michael O'Keefe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful book. I wish I took better notes. Instead I'll take a second read through in order to better take on some the practices of better internal and interpersonal discourses and also be better prepared to help others do the same.

[Olysavra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to just skip/scan a lot to and while doing that when I got to the point I already frustrated and not encouraged to continue.
The book does have a bunch of valuable ideas and definitely better to be summarized into manual which might be much more helpful than all case studies and dialogues.

[Kirtida Gautam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thank myself for reading this book.

[Tom Check · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great workflow for organizations. Might talk above the heads of most people who are struggling to intstitute those changes.

[Susanne Bandi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not to easy and thrilling to read but a lot of truth you would not think of in the first place

[Carly G]

Read for EDU811 - Systems and Structures to Enhance Professional Practice

[Todd Cheng · Rating 5 out of 5]

A different perspective on manager a d employee challenges and methods to work through them. Great word use.

[Mark Valentine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hope that you will benefit from the reading of this excellent book as much as I have. I underlined throughout in my reading and refer back to it frequently. I think the title is a little clumsy but it still presents the message accurately. Our language asserts who we are.

The authors use language as a gauge to monitor change and its companion, fear of change. They start by stating that each of has a built-in mechanism, "a hidden immune system" that wants to prevent us from change. We are, they state, the most over-informed and non-reflective people in the history of civilization.

The authors provide resources, suggestions, and practical strategies to rehabilitate psychological inertia. As a resource, this is a highly-valuable book.

[Alan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good stuff, simply presented.

[Katie]

Ben says I should read this.

[Alissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting perspectives on how to get around frustration and negativism in organizations.