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Leaving Normal: Adventures in Gender
Leaving Normal: Adventures in Gender is creative nonfiction that takes an unflinching but humorous look at living as a butch in a pink/blue, boy-girl, M/F world. Here's my theory: I've always been a butch. When I was a child, it was called being a "tomboy" (also known as "embarrassing my mother"). Back then, I liked to think I was a boy-girl hybrid, perhaps grown from special heirloom seeds. Later in life, I came out as a lesbian, which explained my fondness for flannel and sensible shoes, as well as my masculine ways.
Still, something wasn't quite right. I watched spectator-like as my hair got shorter and my clothes started coming from the opposite side of the department store. When someone called me "sir" for the first time, I realized I had unintentionally crossed over into foreign territory -- that sliver of space that exists in the middle place between the absolutes of boy and girl.
Leaving Normal: Adventures in Gender is for anyone who has ever felt different, especially those who have found themselves living in the gender margins without a rule book.
Still, something wasn't quite right. I watched spectator-like as my hair got shorter and my clothes started coming from the opposite side of the department store. When someone called me "sir" for the first time, I realized I had unintentionally crossed over into foreign territory -- that sliver of space that exists in the middle place between the absolutes of boy and girl.
Leaving Normal: Adventures in Gender is for anyone who has ever felt different, especially those who have found themselves living in the gender margins without a rule book.
- GenresLGBTNonfictionMemoir
120 pages, Paperback
First published June 10, 2015
3 people are currently reading
306 people want to read
About the author
Rae Theodore
10 books12 followersRae Theodore lives in Royersford, Pa., with her wife, children and, in stereotypical fashion, her cats. By day, she works as a staff writer for one of the world's largest communications firms. By night, she writes about living in that middle place where boy and girl collide. Her favorite day of the week is Tuesday because that's when her writers' group meets. You can read about her adventures in gender nonconformity at middleagebutch.wordpress.com.
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
July 3, 2015
I loved this book. Gloriously written, deeply personal yet highly relatable, it is a story of one woman's journey to self-acceptance and understanding. This is a must read for everyone! I read it in one sitting simply because I could not put it down. Thank you Rae Theodore for sharing your talent and your life with the world. We are better for it.
July 13, 2019
Favorite quote: "Here's the funny part: I knew I had a secret. I just didn't know what it was at the time. It's a lonely feeling to be standing on the outside of your own inside joke." (pg. 50)
Autobiography, filled with anecdotes - some funny, some hit real close to home. The 40-year process - and ongoing - of acknowledging and embracing who you are - in this case, butch and lesbian (more focus on the gender ID part than the sexual orientation). It's not always comfortable to be gender non-conforming, even once you recognize it is you. But be yourself anyways!
Autobiography, filled with anecdotes - some funny, some hit real close to home. The 40-year process - and ongoing - of acknowledging and embracing who you are - in this case, butch and lesbian (more focus on the gender ID part than the sexual orientation). It's not always comfortable to be gender non-conforming, even once you recognize it is you. But be yourself anyways!
October 4, 2017
I loved this book so much. I think it is the first book I've read by a person who lives in the space between the binary of male/female. I related to it so much. The writing itself was beautiful—my only complaint was that I wished it were longer! Don't tell anyone but it's going on my list of Xmas presents for a few people I know.
July 23, 2015
I’ve been a fan of “The Flannel Files” blog for some time now, and have enjoyed reading it for a butch perspective. I was beyond thrilled when asked if I would like to review a copy of “Leaving Normal”.
The book is fantastic. Written in small chapters, each chapter is a snapshot of a time in the author’s life. It’s an easy read and sucks the reader in so quickly. I finished it in a day and think most readers will too simply because it’s so hard to put down.
As you read, you experience life in the author’s shoes for that moment in time, both good and bad. Good when Theodore witnesses a grandmother saying “Whatever” to her grandchild’s correction of her misgendering Theodore. Bad when Theodore is trapped in a public restroom because a small child keeps saying “There is a man.” The book is painful in parts, painfully sweet, funny, and pure hurt in others.
As a femme, I am not misgendered. I don’t have that experience. But boy, can I relate. I have my very own butch who is called “Sir” and gets a double-take in the women’s restroom. I can also relate with my own experience of being marginalized and having to come out over and over again.
This book is for everyone. Everyone who has felt alone or separate because of their gender. Everyone who has felt marginalized due to their sexuality. Everyone who has been ashamed because someone used the wrong pronouns, or used the one they wanted to hear by mistake. Everyone who has ever felt like they were the only person in the world who felt the way they did.
I hope to see more books by Rae Theodore in the future.
https://readingfemme.wordpress.com/20...
The book is fantastic. Written in small chapters, each chapter is a snapshot of a time in the author’s life. It’s an easy read and sucks the reader in so quickly. I finished it in a day and think most readers will too simply because it’s so hard to put down.
As you read, you experience life in the author’s shoes for that moment in time, both good and bad. Good when Theodore witnesses a grandmother saying “Whatever” to her grandchild’s correction of her misgendering Theodore. Bad when Theodore is trapped in a public restroom because a small child keeps saying “There is a man.” The book is painful in parts, painfully sweet, funny, and pure hurt in others.
As a femme, I am not misgendered. I don’t have that experience. But boy, can I relate. I have my very own butch who is called “Sir” and gets a double-take in the women’s restroom. I can also relate with my own experience of being marginalized and having to come out over and over again.
This book is for everyone. Everyone who has felt alone or separate because of their gender. Everyone who has felt marginalized due to their sexuality. Everyone who has been ashamed because someone used the wrong pronouns, or used the one they wanted to hear by mistake. Everyone who has ever felt like they were the only person in the world who felt the way they did.
I hope to see more books by Rae Theodore in the future.
https://readingfemme.wordpress.com/20...
November 16, 2016
I met Rae Theodore, the author of this book, in a local writing group. I admired her openness and ability to put her journey into words. I'm very glad that I read her book. It is composed of snippets of life that explore what it is like "to live in that middle place between the absolutes of boy and girl". Instead of using lots of philosophical jargon, she chooses to share every day happenings that have shaped her world. As someone who is cisgender, I appreciated walking into her world and looking through her eyes. I truly don't want to be the one who gives the macrame purse or says the unintentionally offensive thing. Yet, I know I sometimes will--not from malice but from ignorance. Thank you Rae for giving me insight. I hope that I can continue to evolve as a human being who does more than give lip service to our differences.
May 24, 2017
I won this book… a long time ago. I meant to write a review… a long time ago. Sorry, Rae!
This book was a very interesting read! Being a femme lesbian, this book really opened my eyes to what those who are not gender-conforming go through. This book – for me – was very educational for someone who has came out not too long ago-ish, as well. I tend to be a little ignorant about my community and memoirs like this help me be more educated and in turn, I can help educate others.
I recommend this to every orientation, identities, and genders. Thanks for sharing your story, Rae! We need more stories like these.
This book was a very interesting read! Being a femme lesbian, this book really opened my eyes to what those who are not gender-conforming go through. This book – for me – was very educational for someone who has came out not too long ago-ish, as well. I tend to be a little ignorant about my community and memoirs like this help me be more educated and in turn, I can help educate others.
I recommend this to every orientation, identities, and genders. Thanks for sharing your story, Rae! We need more stories like these.
February 4, 2017
In Leaving Normal, Rae Theodore writes honestly about the experience of growing up between the gender lines and the slow journey toward self-identifying as a butch lesbian. Told in present-tense episodes, the story goes from the elementary school playground to the confused world of college and beyond. While it’s a deeply personal book about specific experiences, Theodore’s honest descriptions and highly emotional language bring the feelings right to your heart as you’re reading.
This is another one of those books that’s a relatively quick and easy read but caused me to pause and slow down at various moments. I found myself pausing at the end of each chapter and just appreciating the images Theodore uses to describe the emotions. While I’ve never been misgendered or had to hide my sexuality from my friends and family, I could relate to Theodore’s descriptions of feeling out of place.
Childhood and adolescence are rough for anyone who doesn’t fit into the many boxes society has—gender, sexuality, race, religion, culture, etc. When I was about nine or ten, I realized that a lot of the kids who used to include me no longer looked my way and I didn’t know why; I think a lot of kids have experienced the pre-adolescent recognition that there’s just something about you that’s different from the other kids, something that sets you apart and, you realize, might get you in trouble. Like Theodore, I spent the years of my adolescence and beyond trying to mold myself to fit others’ expectations of me. Like Theodore, I had to realize the importance of being true to myself.
While this is a book about being different in a specific way, anyone who’s felt any sort of different will be able to connect to Theodore’s story—and that’s a powerful feeling, let me tell you.
Theodore’s honesty is truly gripping. Ultimately this is a book about one person’s experience and view of the world, but it’s written in a way that allows each reader to take something away from the reading. For me, it was refreshing to read a “coming out” story that doesn’t focus on the romance, but on the journey toward self-love. I think different parts of the story will resonate differently for each person. For me, it was the description of dealing with depression that really gripped my heart. Like Theodore, I spent years on anti-depressants, both enjoying the ability to live my life unencumbered but also disappointed in the ways medication left me with a general numb feeling. Ultimately I, too, ceased to be medicated; the experience of pulling myself up out of my natural depression was both moving and grueling. I’ve found it hard, even years after ceasing medication, to describe the way depression flits in and out of my life, particularly in the fall and winter months, but Theodore explains this beautifully:
Theodore turns to her individual understanding of prayer, despite not having a traditional Christian relationship with God. I often turned to prayer in my early years of depression, seeking answers. Like Theodore, I found that the only way to pull myself out of depression was to accept myself as I am and learn to love myself.
Yes, this is a book about specific issues, but it’s also a book with a powerful message. The most revolutionary thing you can do when you’re different—a gender non-conformist, a gay person, a person of color, a person struggling with mental illness, etc.—is to make the choice to work at loving yourself. It’s not easy, and often you will slip back into your old ways. Sometimes it will be easier to hide. But the journey toward self-love, toward “unbecoming everything” what isn’t of you, is one that’s worth the fight.
As other reviewers have said, Leaving Normal is truly a book for everyone who has ever felt ashamed, left out, marginalized, and alone. This is a book for anyone who is open to seeing the connections in our individual experiences. This book is for anyone who’s tired of trying to be “normal” when it doesn’t really exist.
I’ve really enjoyed reading Rae Theodore’s blog in recent months, and I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to read and review this book.
This is another one of those books that’s a relatively quick and easy read but caused me to pause and slow down at various moments. I found myself pausing at the end of each chapter and just appreciating the images Theodore uses to describe the emotions. While I’ve never been misgendered or had to hide my sexuality from my friends and family, I could relate to Theodore’s descriptions of feeling out of place.
Childhood and adolescence are rough for anyone who doesn’t fit into the many boxes society has—gender, sexuality, race, religion, culture, etc. When I was about nine or ten, I realized that a lot of the kids who used to include me no longer looked my way and I didn’t know why; I think a lot of kids have experienced the pre-adolescent recognition that there’s just something about you that’s different from the other kids, something that sets you apart and, you realize, might get you in trouble. Like Theodore, I spent the years of my adolescence and beyond trying to mold myself to fit others’ expectations of me. Like Theodore, I had to realize the importance of being true to myself.
“I imagine everyone has their own truth they carry around in the middle-most part of their bodies, maybe wedged in between the second and third rib right beneath the heart. It probably looks something like a rod of plutonium, all silvery gray and shiny. Illusive at times, volatile at others. For when you are not in tune with who you really are, who you were born to be, there’s bound to be some tumult.”
While this is a book about being different in a specific way, anyone who’s felt any sort of different will be able to connect to Theodore’s story—and that’s a powerful feeling, let me tell you.
Theodore’s honesty is truly gripping. Ultimately this is a book about one person’s experience and view of the world, but it’s written in a way that allows each reader to take something away from the reading. For me, it was refreshing to read a “coming out” story that doesn’t focus on the romance, but on the journey toward self-love. I think different parts of the story will resonate differently for each person. For me, it was the description of dealing with depression that really gripped my heart. Like Theodore, I spent years on anti-depressants, both enjoying the ability to live my life unencumbered but also disappointed in the ways medication left me with a general numb feeling. Ultimately I, too, ceased to be medicated; the experience of pulling myself up out of my natural depression was both moving and grueling. I’ve found it hard, even years after ceasing medication, to describe the way depression flits in and out of my life, particularly in the fall and winter months, but Theodore explains this beautifully:
“That’s the thing about depression. It’s wispy, fine, feathery, flyaway, the fizz from a soda pop can. It’s smoke and mist and spider webs that can’t be contained in a single cupped hand or pulled from the sky like a star on a string. It’s a thousand layers of nothing that weigh more than a pile of bricks. It’s a quilt stitched from squares of fog and fuzz and shadow and jet black crow feathers that presses down on me like a lead apron.”
Theodore turns to her individual understanding of prayer, despite not having a traditional Christian relationship with God. I often turned to prayer in my early years of depression, seeking answers. Like Theodore, I found that the only way to pull myself out of depression was to accept myself as I am and learn to love myself.
Yes, this is a book about specific issues, but it’s also a book with a powerful message. The most revolutionary thing you can do when you’re different—a gender non-conformist, a gay person, a person of color, a person struggling with mental illness, etc.—is to make the choice to work at loving yourself. It’s not easy, and often you will slip back into your old ways. Sometimes it will be easier to hide. But the journey toward self-love, toward “unbecoming everything” what isn’t of you, is one that’s worth the fight.
As other reviewers have said, Leaving Normal is truly a book for everyone who has ever felt ashamed, left out, marginalized, and alone. This is a book for anyone who is open to seeing the connections in our individual experiences. This book is for anyone who’s tired of trying to be “normal” when it doesn’t really exist.
I’ve really enjoyed reading Rae Theodore’s blog in recent months, and I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to read and review this book.
July 11, 2015
Incredibly touching and well-written memoir. I chuckled, cried, gasped and rode the emotional roller-coaster of my own self-discovery while Rae courageously shared her experiences with an abundance of transparency. She graciously tackles the challenges of fitting in while giving insights into life as someone who is not "normal." But then again, who is? I am not gay but love and care for many friends and family who need to deal with similar issues, and Rae's book gives me an expanded sense of compassion and understanding. A must-read.
July 6, 2015
Rae Theodore's book has helped me discover there are new ways to look at gender and her perspective on many things matches my own. Were this book available to me when I was leaving normal many years ago, it may have prevented some of the heartache and feelings of isolation I endured. I believe everyone could get a glimmer of hope from this book, no matter the circumstance, no matter the search for truth.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews