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Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear
The mother of a bullied first grader, popular blogger Carrie Goldman's inspiring true story triggered an outpouring of support from online communities around the world. In Bullied, she gives us a guide to the crucial lessons and actionable guidance she's learned about how to stop bullying before it starts. It is a book born from Goldman's post about the ridicule her daughter suffered for bringing a Star Wars thermos to school--a story that went viral on Facebook and Twitter before exploding everywhere, from CNN.com and Yahoo.com to sites all around the world. Written in Goldman's warm, engaging style, Bullied is an important and very necessary read for parents, educators, self-professed "Girl Geeks," or anyone who has ever felt victimized by a bully, online or in person.
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First published August 7, 2012
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
January 5, 2013
Decent read which does refer to a lot of important considerations in dealing with bullying. Points for including a chapter on restorative justice, and for clarifying mediation vs. restorative justice. Definitely written by a journalist and not someone who is an expert in this particular field, which always has pros and cons - on the one hand, it's not jargony, but on the other hand, sometimes I felt like she didn't fully understand things she was writing about. The book did point me to a really useful resource - the Youth Voice Project survey which asked kids and youth what helped them, didn't help, or made things worse in dealing with bullying. Everyone who works with kids or is interested in kids should read the results.
http://www.youthvoiceproject.com/
Not more than 3 stars for this book because (1) the author referred to her daughter's experience way too often. OK, your daughter was bullied, it's meaningful to hear that story - but it doesn't encapsulate all children's experiences of bullying. I felt she tried to get way too much journalistic mileage out of that. (2) Some of the earlier chapters referencing different populations that tend to be victims of bullying were a little too general and obvious. Also, it was kind of weird because she gave a list of the populations who are more likely to be targets, but then she only wrote chapters about some of them. (3) The above mentioned issue that the author is a journalist and not a subject matter expert.
http://www.youthvoiceproject.com/
Not more than 3 stars for this book because (1) the author referred to her daughter's experience way too often. OK, your daughter was bullied, it's meaningful to hear that story - but it doesn't encapsulate all children's experiences of bullying. I felt she tried to get way too much journalistic mileage out of that. (2) Some of the earlier chapters referencing different populations that tend to be victims of bullying were a little too general and obvious. Also, it was kind of weird because she gave a list of the populations who are more likely to be targets, but then she only wrote chapters about some of them. (3) The above mentioned issue that the author is a journalist and not a subject matter expert.
November 3, 2012
I want to buy multiple copies of this book and covertly drop them off on the desks of every single principal of every single elementary, middle, and high school within a billion mile radius. No joke. I think this should be required reading before any teacher is allowed to get his or her certificate to educate America's children.
As a child, I realize now, I was bullied. Granted, the level of bullying in which I endured was super mild compared to some of the more horrific stories you hear about in the media today. Nobody ever physically hit me. I never got swirlied or wedgied. When I was young we didn't have the technology we do today, so I never sent any nude photos of myself via text or over the Internet. The weapons at the disposal of bullies is larger than it was in my generation's youth, and we parents and educators really need to be more on the alert and actively protective of the children of our future.
I highly recommend this book to everyone, particularly if you were a victim of bullying yourself and want to stand up for the younger you in your soul by helping the youth of today.
As a child, I realize now, I was bullied. Granted, the level of bullying in which I endured was super mild compared to some of the more horrific stories you hear about in the media today. Nobody ever physically hit me. I never got swirlied or wedgied. When I was young we didn't have the technology we do today, so I never sent any nude photos of myself via text or over the Internet. The weapons at the disposal of bullies is larger than it was in my generation's youth, and we parents and educators really need to be more on the alert and actively protective of the children of our future.
I highly recommend this book to everyone, particularly if you were a victim of bullying yourself and want to stand up for the younger you in your soul by helping the youth of today.
October 2, 2012
I'm thrilled to be reviewing Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear by Carrie Goldman during anti-bullying week at the public schools, and specifically at my school to "my" kids.
In Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear author Carrie Goldman explains the impetus for her writing a book on bullying: "In November 2010, I wrote a [blog] post called 'Anti-Bullying Starts in the First Grade' for my blog, Portrait of an Adoption. I was concerned because my daughter, Katie, was upset about being teased for carrying a Star Wars water bottle. Apparently, Star Wars was only "for boys. (pg. xi) " Goldman's six year-old daughter Katie was being bullied for, among other things, her Star Wars backpack and water bottle.
In response to her post, the cyberspace community rose to Katie's defense in an overwhelming show of support for young girls who love Star Wars... and all other people who have been bullied for being different in one way or another. The outpouring of encouragement, as well as the numerous stories shared, spurred Goldman on to researching bullying. What she found is humbling and shows that, although some progress has been made, more work needs to be done.
"We are closely tracking bullying and taking steps to reduce aggressive acts. We are counting the victims. A 2010 study by the National Center for Education Statistics found that 32 percent of students between the ages of twelve and eighteen reported being bullied within six months prior to being surveyed. Of the students surveyed, 62 percent reported having been bullied once or twice a year, 21 percent once or twice a month, 10 percent once or twice a week, and 7 percent reported being bullied every day. (pg. xi-xii)"
"Michael Thompson... reminded me that....'only about 15 percent of kids suffer trauma as a result of being bullied.' Yes, 15 percent is clearly the minority.... but in terms of sheer numbers, it still represents millions of traumatized children. For those children who do encounter significant, severe bullying, the damage is lasting and the implications for a normal social life are devastating. (pg. xii)"
"In analyzing Katie's story and that of other children and young adults like her, this book examines the roles that schools, families, communities, retailers, celebrities, and the media play in raising diverse, empathetic, tolerant kids. It draws on the expertise of kids, parents, anti-bullying consultants, authors, social workers, psychologists, teachers, and attorneys to evaluate which actions actually help prevent bullying and which are ineffective. (pg. xiv)"
Goldman identifies the high risk kids but she also goes beyond that to discuss how several specific societal attitudes and actions influence culture and can encourage bullying (such as social media, gender-specific marketing of toys, and the sexualization of children). While there is a lot of research into bullying, Goldman does a great job bringing many true stories and the documented facts from research together and presenting them in a factual accessible way and in a well organized format. She also discusses intervention and reconciliation, recognizing the warning signs of emotional distress, and techniques for dealing with bullies
Goldman did a fantastic job. Bullied is accessible, interesting, and provides a wealth of information about bullying and prevention. The information is separated into three sections: Part One: Katie’s Story; Part Two: Kids at High Risk for Victimization; Part Three: Where Do We Go From Here? Prevention, Intervention, and Reconciliation. The chapter titles help highlight the scope of Goldman's research (see quotes below). Additionally, it was thrilling for me to see a vast bibliography, numerous online resources, reading recommendations for children by age level, audiovisual resources by subject matter, and appendices on specific programs, and surveys, notes by chapter, and an index.
Now there were two minor examples that I wasn't completely onboard with Goldman's conclusions, but, as a whole, Bullied is an admirable, invaluable resource that will be beneficial to parents, educators, and everyone who has any contact with children.
This is truly Very Highly Recommended - one of the best nonfiction books I've read this year
http://shetreadssoftly.blogspot.com/
Disclosure: I received an advanced reading copy of this book from the publisher and TLC for review purposes.
Quotes:
Table of Contents
Foreword ix
Introduction xi
Part 1 Katie's Story
1 Anti-Bullying Starts in the First Grade 3
2 The Littlest Jedi 10
3 Our Local Community Response 19
Part 2 Kids at High Risk for Peer Victimization
4 From Geek Girls to Sluts: What Does It Mean to Be a Girl? 27
5 Princess Boys and Nonconforming Guys 40
6 Quirky Kids and Kids with Hidden Disabilities 51
7 Kids with Different Appearances or Physical Disabilities 61
8 Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, and Bisexual Students 72
9 Victims of Cyberbullying, Sexting, and Sexual Harassment 86
10 The Harmful Effects of Bullying on the Brain 103
Part 3 Where Do We Go from Here? Prevention, Intervention, and Reconciliation
11 Create a Home Environment That Produces Neither Bullies nor Victims 115
12 Set Out Family Guidelines for Responsible Uses of Technology, Media, and Music 131
13 Changing Our Cultural Attitudes Toward Aggression and Cruelty 157
14 Calling on Toy Retailers to Eliminate Gender-Based Marketing 168
15 Stop Marketing Makeup and Sexy Clothes to Children 179
16 Reassess the Role of Schools in Character Education 193
17 Social and Emotional Learning 205
18 Responding to the Bully 214
19 Responding to the Victim 222
20 Restorative Justice 233
21 Strategies That Ease the Negative Effects of Taunting 242
22 Creating Witnesses and Allies out of Bystanders 251
23 Cybersupporting Instead of Cyberbullying: A Real-Life Happy Ending 261
Conclusion 269
Acknowledgments 273
Bibliography 275
Resources
Online Resources 285
Reading Recommendations for Children 287
Audiovisual Resources 291
Appendix A Overview of Several Promising Research-Based Bullying-Prevention and Character-Education Programs 293
Appendix B Two Examples of Bullying Surveys 300
Appendix C Examples of Sexual Harassment Surveys 303
Notes 311
Index 327
Unsurprisingly, adding Respect to the core expectations for behavior at school is probably one of the reasons that bullying is uncommon there. pg. 23
But while it is true that any child can be singled out, there are certain groups of children who are at higher risk for peer victimization.
Who is at increased risk? The kids who are different - children who are heterosexual but challenge gender norms; children who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender; children who have different physical appearances; children who receive special education; children who qualify for free or reduced-cost lunch; children who practice a minority religion; children who have atypical family structures - these kids are more likely to draw unwanted negative attention. pg. 25
Children who have behavioral disorders and anger-management problems are particularly at risk for becoming bully victims, and they need multiple interventions. To compound the difficulties faced by these kids, teachers tens to discipline them for their bullying behaviors while blaming them when they are victimized. The children often have trouble advocating clearly for themselves, and life at school becomes fraught with anxiety and tension. pg. 60
Sometimes, teachers and coaches are even complicit in known bullying, because they don't want to get their start athlete suspended before a big game. pg. 90
[Anne Collier] pointed out to me that the context for cyberbullying is school - not Facebook, not the Internet. The drama starts at school, and the kids bring it to the computer. Cyberbullying adds another layer of intensity because of the instant mass distribution and the unknown audiences. pg. 91
[H]ow is bullying at all related to makeup? The connection goes through sexualization....
When mass retailers are marketing makeup to eight to twelve year-old girls, unhealthy sexualization is occurring. pg. 179-180
[T]he American Psychological Association's Sexualization of Girls... found that three of the most common mental health problems among girls - eating disorders, depression or depressed mood, and low self esteem - are linked to the sexualization of girls and women in media. pg. 186
Stan Davis cautioned, "The key for all of these is that they will not work as curricula unless they reflect the actual day-to-day behavior of teachers in taking incidents seriously, modeling positive behaviors, building positive norms and expectations, and reinforcing the need for positive action in the moment. Without those day-to-day interventions on a consistent basis, a once-weekly curriculum lesson will have no meaningful effect. pg. 201
In order to teach empathy, we need to allow children to learn how it feels to be different. pg. 211
Getting through life requires children and adults to manage social dynamics. Children with autism, ADD, ADHD, and other disorders need extensive assistance building their social skills. Some children do not have any diagnosed disorders, yet they still cannot gauge social situations well. In an ideal classroom, children who have trouble with social situations will be encouraged to develop their skills, and children who are socially adept will be encouraged to support and include others in a nonjudgmental way. pg. 223
A sympathetic ear seems to be the greatest source of comfort, and it is something we can teach or educators to provide in lieu of judgment. Sometimes, simply listening can be harder than it sounds. pg. 228
In Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear author Carrie Goldman explains the impetus for her writing a book on bullying: "In November 2010, I wrote a [blog] post called 'Anti-Bullying Starts in the First Grade' for my blog, Portrait of an Adoption. I was concerned because my daughter, Katie, was upset about being teased for carrying a Star Wars water bottle. Apparently, Star Wars was only "for boys. (pg. xi) " Goldman's six year-old daughter Katie was being bullied for, among other things, her Star Wars backpack and water bottle.
In response to her post, the cyberspace community rose to Katie's defense in an overwhelming show of support for young girls who love Star Wars... and all other people who have been bullied for being different in one way or another. The outpouring of encouragement, as well as the numerous stories shared, spurred Goldman on to researching bullying. What she found is humbling and shows that, although some progress has been made, more work needs to be done.
"We are closely tracking bullying and taking steps to reduce aggressive acts. We are counting the victims. A 2010 study by the National Center for Education Statistics found that 32 percent of students between the ages of twelve and eighteen reported being bullied within six months prior to being surveyed. Of the students surveyed, 62 percent reported having been bullied once or twice a year, 21 percent once or twice a month, 10 percent once or twice a week, and 7 percent reported being bullied every day. (pg. xi-xii)"
"Michael Thompson... reminded me that....'only about 15 percent of kids suffer trauma as a result of being bullied.' Yes, 15 percent is clearly the minority.... but in terms of sheer numbers, it still represents millions of traumatized children. For those children who do encounter significant, severe bullying, the damage is lasting and the implications for a normal social life are devastating. (pg. xii)"
"In analyzing Katie's story and that of other children and young adults like her, this book examines the roles that schools, families, communities, retailers, celebrities, and the media play in raising diverse, empathetic, tolerant kids. It draws on the expertise of kids, parents, anti-bullying consultants, authors, social workers, psychologists, teachers, and attorneys to evaluate which actions actually help prevent bullying and which are ineffective. (pg. xiv)"
Goldman identifies the high risk kids but she also goes beyond that to discuss how several specific societal attitudes and actions influence culture and can encourage bullying (such as social media, gender-specific marketing of toys, and the sexualization of children). While there is a lot of research into bullying, Goldman does a great job bringing many true stories and the documented facts from research together and presenting them in a factual accessible way and in a well organized format. She also discusses intervention and reconciliation, recognizing the warning signs of emotional distress, and techniques for dealing with bullies
Goldman did a fantastic job. Bullied is accessible, interesting, and provides a wealth of information about bullying and prevention. The information is separated into three sections: Part One: Katie’s Story; Part Two: Kids at High Risk for Victimization; Part Three: Where Do We Go From Here? Prevention, Intervention, and Reconciliation. The chapter titles help highlight the scope of Goldman's research (see quotes below). Additionally, it was thrilling for me to see a vast bibliography, numerous online resources, reading recommendations for children by age level, audiovisual resources by subject matter, and appendices on specific programs, and surveys, notes by chapter, and an index.
Now there were two minor examples that I wasn't completely onboard with Goldman's conclusions, but, as a whole, Bullied is an admirable, invaluable resource that will be beneficial to parents, educators, and everyone who has any contact with children.
This is truly Very Highly Recommended - one of the best nonfiction books I've read this year
http://shetreadssoftly.blogspot.com/
Disclosure: I received an advanced reading copy of this book from the publisher and TLC for review purposes.
Quotes:
Table of Contents
Foreword ix
Introduction xi
Part 1 Katie's Story
1 Anti-Bullying Starts in the First Grade 3
2 The Littlest Jedi 10
3 Our Local Community Response 19
Part 2 Kids at High Risk for Peer Victimization
4 From Geek Girls to Sluts: What Does It Mean to Be a Girl? 27
5 Princess Boys and Nonconforming Guys 40
6 Quirky Kids and Kids with Hidden Disabilities 51
7 Kids with Different Appearances or Physical Disabilities 61
8 Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, and Bisexual Students 72
9 Victims of Cyberbullying, Sexting, and Sexual Harassment 86
10 The Harmful Effects of Bullying on the Brain 103
Part 3 Where Do We Go from Here? Prevention, Intervention, and Reconciliation
11 Create a Home Environment That Produces Neither Bullies nor Victims 115
12 Set Out Family Guidelines for Responsible Uses of Technology, Media, and Music 131
13 Changing Our Cultural Attitudes Toward Aggression and Cruelty 157
14 Calling on Toy Retailers to Eliminate Gender-Based Marketing 168
15 Stop Marketing Makeup and Sexy Clothes to Children 179
16 Reassess the Role of Schools in Character Education 193
17 Social and Emotional Learning 205
18 Responding to the Bully 214
19 Responding to the Victim 222
20 Restorative Justice 233
21 Strategies That Ease the Negative Effects of Taunting 242
22 Creating Witnesses and Allies out of Bystanders 251
23 Cybersupporting Instead of Cyberbullying: A Real-Life Happy Ending 261
Conclusion 269
Acknowledgments 273
Bibliography 275
Resources
Online Resources 285
Reading Recommendations for Children 287
Audiovisual Resources 291
Appendix A Overview of Several Promising Research-Based Bullying-Prevention and Character-Education Programs 293
Appendix B Two Examples of Bullying Surveys 300
Appendix C Examples of Sexual Harassment Surveys 303
Notes 311
Index 327
Unsurprisingly, adding Respect to the core expectations for behavior at school is probably one of the reasons that bullying is uncommon there. pg. 23
But while it is true that any child can be singled out, there are certain groups of children who are at higher risk for peer victimization.
Who is at increased risk? The kids who are different - children who are heterosexual but challenge gender norms; children who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender; children who have different physical appearances; children who receive special education; children who qualify for free or reduced-cost lunch; children who practice a minority religion; children who have atypical family structures - these kids are more likely to draw unwanted negative attention. pg. 25
Children who have behavioral disorders and anger-management problems are particularly at risk for becoming bully victims, and they need multiple interventions. To compound the difficulties faced by these kids, teachers tens to discipline them for their bullying behaviors while blaming them when they are victimized. The children often have trouble advocating clearly for themselves, and life at school becomes fraught with anxiety and tension. pg. 60
Sometimes, teachers and coaches are even complicit in known bullying, because they don't want to get their start athlete suspended before a big game. pg. 90
[Anne Collier] pointed out to me that the context for cyberbullying is school - not Facebook, not the Internet. The drama starts at school, and the kids bring it to the computer. Cyberbullying adds another layer of intensity because of the instant mass distribution and the unknown audiences. pg. 91
[H]ow is bullying at all related to makeup? The connection goes through sexualization....
When mass retailers are marketing makeup to eight to twelve year-old girls, unhealthy sexualization is occurring. pg. 179-180
[T]he American Psychological Association's Sexualization of Girls... found that three of the most common mental health problems among girls - eating disorders, depression or depressed mood, and low self esteem - are linked to the sexualization of girls and women in media. pg. 186
Stan Davis cautioned, "The key for all of these is that they will not work as curricula unless they reflect the actual day-to-day behavior of teachers in taking incidents seriously, modeling positive behaviors, building positive norms and expectations, and reinforcing the need for positive action in the moment. Without those day-to-day interventions on a consistent basis, a once-weekly curriculum lesson will have no meaningful effect. pg. 201
In order to teach empathy, we need to allow children to learn how it feels to be different. pg. 211
Getting through life requires children and adults to manage social dynamics. Children with autism, ADD, ADHD, and other disorders need extensive assistance building their social skills. Some children do not have any diagnosed disorders, yet they still cannot gauge social situations well. In an ideal classroom, children who have trouble with social situations will be encouraged to develop their skills, and children who are socially adept will be encouraged to support and include others in a nonjudgmental way. pg. 223
A sympathetic ear seems to be the greatest source of comfort, and it is something we can teach or educators to provide in lieu of judgment. Sometimes, simply listening can be harder than it sounds. pg. 228
September 28, 2012
The Good Stuff
•Practical real life information written in easy to understand language - unusual as most of bullying stuff I have read is overly scholarly without real life solutions
•Lots of real life situations that readers can learn from and understand
•Incredible amount of research was put into this
•Index extremely thourogh
•Fabulous detailed Resources list and Reading recommendations for children
•Interesting relavant statistics
•Lots of positivity and hopeful messages
•Fantastic emphasis that their are wonderful people and resources on the internet for kids - many of these books only talk about the negativity for social interactions on the internet when their are fabulous supportive people out their to connect with
•Highlights the types of kids who are at risk for being bullied
•Heartfelt - you can tell the author just really wants to help & uses her real life experiences
•Really makes you take a look at yourself and how just you can help make a difference
•Learned some fantastic ideas that I can use to help Jake deal with the bullying he has been experiencing
The Not So Good Stuff
•Some of the stories sickened me and the thought that kids can be so horribly cruel scares the living hell out of me -- especially as my child (he has spina bifida & wears a diaper) is a child that is at very high risk for bullying
Favorite Quotes/Passages
"All too often, scholars conduct their research studies and disseminate their findings to other scholars and rarely attempt to translate their findings into practical solutions for schools. Thus, this academic isolation or elitism leaves the practioners questioning the commitment of researchers to impart real-world solutions to prevent bullying."
"In a time when parents are all fired up about the Internet tearing their kids down, I experienced quite the reverse; my child was lifted up and bolstered by online support."
"But the reality is, many of our own children are doing the bullying, and we need to acknowledge this. It starts with examining our behaviour as parents and role models. We can have a huge impact on how our children act, simply by being aware of the subtle messages we send through our conversations and body language, through our parenting styles and home environments, because children learn about social relationships at home and bring their knowledge into school."
Who Should/Shouldn't Read
•A must read for all teachers, parents, kids - in other words practically everybody
•Perfect for any family that has had to deal with this behavior & perfect timing for me as my child is being bullied
•This needs to be in every school, library and house
4.75 Dewey's
I received this from TLC Tours in exchange for an honest review
•Practical real life information written in easy to understand language - unusual as most of bullying stuff I have read is overly scholarly without real life solutions
•Lots of real life situations that readers can learn from and understand
•Incredible amount of research was put into this
•Index extremely thourogh
•Fabulous detailed Resources list and Reading recommendations for children
•Interesting relavant statistics
•Lots of positivity and hopeful messages
•Fantastic emphasis that their are wonderful people and resources on the internet for kids - many of these books only talk about the negativity for social interactions on the internet when their are fabulous supportive people out their to connect with
•Highlights the types of kids who are at risk for being bullied
•Heartfelt - you can tell the author just really wants to help & uses her real life experiences
•Really makes you take a look at yourself and how just you can help make a difference
•Learned some fantastic ideas that I can use to help Jake deal with the bullying he has been experiencing
The Not So Good Stuff
•Some of the stories sickened me and the thought that kids can be so horribly cruel scares the living hell out of me -- especially as my child (he has spina bifida & wears a diaper) is a child that is at very high risk for bullying
Favorite Quotes/Passages
"All too often, scholars conduct their research studies and disseminate their findings to other scholars and rarely attempt to translate their findings into practical solutions for schools. Thus, this academic isolation or elitism leaves the practioners questioning the commitment of researchers to impart real-world solutions to prevent bullying."
"In a time when parents are all fired up about the Internet tearing their kids down, I experienced quite the reverse; my child was lifted up and bolstered by online support."
"But the reality is, many of our own children are doing the bullying, and we need to acknowledge this. It starts with examining our behaviour as parents and role models. We can have a huge impact on how our children act, simply by being aware of the subtle messages we send through our conversations and body language, through our parenting styles and home environments, because children learn about social relationships at home and bring their knowledge into school."
Who Should/Shouldn't Read
•A must read for all teachers, parents, kids - in other words practically everybody
•Perfect for any family that has had to deal with this behavior & perfect timing for me as my child is being bullied
•This needs to be in every school, library and house
4.75 Dewey's
I received this from TLC Tours in exchange for an honest review
August 21, 2012
This is a must read for parents, teachers, and anyone else involved in working with children and adolescents. The author wrote this book after her own daughter, at age 6, was bullied because she chose to bring a Star Wars water bottle to school rather than a more "girly" pink one. Through research, letters, personal experiences, Carrie Goldman describes the prevalence of bullying behavior within school and social environments starting as young as preschool. She offers the do's and don't's for parents for dealing with their children whether they are the victims, the bullies or the bystanders. She also describes how our society contributes to stereotypical expectations for boys and girls, which inadvertantly leads to isolation and vicitimization of those who don't adhere to those standards. I even found myself cringing when I learned that questioning your child about who she or he played with during the day inadvertantly causes them to feel that parental approval and love is tied in with how popular they are. Issues such as marketing of toys, clothes, make-up, etc. and cyberbullying are also delineated in this book. Although my children are now 21 and 25, I still found this book relevant and interesting, especially since I do work in a school setting. Run, don't walk, to the nearest library or bookstore, or download it on your device...you won't be sorry.
October 22, 2012
Just bought it off Amazon. Yep, that good.
Fantastically informative so far. I tend to skip around in non-fiction books and read what is pertinent to me. So far everything has been very helpful. The stories are heart-breaking and should be an inspiration to stop bullying right now for everyone. Not sure if that is possibe but maybe this book could help. Go check it out!
Fantastically informative so far. I tend to skip around in non-fiction books and read what is pertinent to me. So far everything has been very helpful. The stories are heart-breaking and should be an inspiration to stop bullying right now for everyone. Not sure if that is possibe but maybe this book could help. Go check it out!
October 6, 2012
This excellent book on bullying reminded me of an article I read years ago. That article was by a sociologist and was about how we couldn't apply our own cultural norms to other cultures. The example that author used was how a Pashtun mother watched approvingly as her 10-year-old son beat the crap out of his 5-year-old sister. The boy was simply teaching his sister the normative hierarchy (male over female, he gets to abuse her if she speaks up for herself) of the Pashtun culture.
Now turn around 180 degrees to Carrie Goldman's book. Bullying is about our own culture turning away from that kind of thinking. As our culture has moved towards empathy and acceptance, kids don't always get it.
Goldman's own child was bullied, and she realized there wasn't a good resource for parents like herself. What could she do? She interviewed the experts, including kids, parents, and teachers, and wrote the resource. Here's a hands-on guide for parents to help their kids, whether their kids are the bullied or the bullies. This is an age-old situation that is now, thankfully, being addressed by parents and teachers. I doubt we'll ever evolve to the point where it will disappear, but at least we can put even more distance between our norms and that of 10-year-old boys beating up their 5-year-old sisters.
Thanks to Firstreads for my copy!
Now turn around 180 degrees to Carrie Goldman's book. Bullying is about our own culture turning away from that kind of thinking. As our culture has moved towards empathy and acceptance, kids don't always get it.
Goldman's own child was bullied, and she realized there wasn't a good resource for parents like herself. What could she do? She interviewed the experts, including kids, parents, and teachers, and wrote the resource. Here's a hands-on guide for parents to help their kids, whether their kids are the bullied or the bullies. This is an age-old situation that is now, thankfully, being addressed by parents and teachers. I doubt we'll ever evolve to the point where it will disappear, but at least we can put even more distance between our norms and that of 10-year-old boys beating up their 5-year-old sisters.
Thanks to Firstreads for my copy!
August 19, 2013
Lots of great information. Even if your child is not currently being bullied, this book can help you be aware of situations that may arise and give you strategies to use before the situation gets out of control.
September 15, 2012
One of the better books on this subject I've read. Recommended.
December 7, 2012
This may be the most important book I've read in a long time. I can't stop thinking about it. Probably the most important idea in the book is that all bullying has its root in contempt. In that light, I see even mild contempt as dangerous and work harder to avoid viewing any person or grooup of people with contempt. I really appreciate this book for being written right now in the world of blogs and cyberbullying, brand names, and texting. It brings a twentyfirst century perspective on issues of bullying to my twentieth century mind. It raises important questions regarding paradoxes. For example some people because of their characteristics are more likely to get bullied than others and yet it is always the bully's fault, not the victim's, that bullying happens. The ideas presented for dealing with bullies make sense. I especially like how researche based the book is and how some of the research involved asking kids what has worked for them with bullies. The book definitely focused me on an acceptance of edginess and meanness in sociaety at this time - lie being mean is "cool" and helped me gather my resolve to fight that tendency.
November 23, 2014
This book evolves around Katie, a first grader who likes Star Wars and for this she gets teased, the book is filled with letters and notes from people who wrote to Katie to make her feel better. I am not sure how this helps a parent break the cycle of fear?
I thought this book was going to be informative because I have a daughter being bullied. She is 14 and in middle school, however this book was not very helpful. I find the book to be mored geared toward parents who have very young children who can avoid their child being bullied by catching the signs early. I am almost finished with the book and only have a few chapters to go. I was tempted to close this book on like the 4th chapter because I knew it was not going to help me, however I am the type of person I will keep reading thinking maybe there is something in the later chapters. In Chapter 10 the book picks up a little, however I have collected little to no information to help me in my own situation. the book is a little repetitive and I found it boring to read.
I thought this book was going to be informative because I have a daughter being bullied. She is 14 and in middle school, however this book was not very helpful. I find the book to be mored geared toward parents who have very young children who can avoid their child being bullied by catching the signs early. I am almost finished with the book and only have a few chapters to go. I was tempted to close this book on like the 4th chapter because I knew it was not going to help me, however I am the type of person I will keep reading thinking maybe there is something in the later chapters. In Chapter 10 the book picks up a little, however I have collected little to no information to help me in my own situation. the book is a little repetitive and I found it boring to read.
December 11, 2012
I haven't read a lot of books on bullying so I don't have much to compare this to. Goldman is not an expert but a parent who has done a lot of research. Her research is good - she talks to experts in the field, educators and as well as victims & former bullies. If you are looking for original research or works by experts, I would suggest Barbara Coloroso's The Bully, the bullied and the Bystander.
Bullied is an easy read for a non-fiction book. Goldman uses anecdotes & victims/bullies stories as examples which adds interest and a empathetic touch. She does a good job of citing sources in the text, so the reader can go to the book, the expert or the resource. It has a place in reading on Bullying but it certainty isn't groundbreaking and doesn't produce new perspectives.
Bullied is an easy read for a non-fiction book. Goldman uses anecdotes & victims/bullies stories as examples which adds interest and a empathetic touch. She does a good job of citing sources in the text, so the reader can go to the book, the expert or the resource. It has a place in reading on Bullying but it certainty isn't groundbreaking and doesn't produce new perspectives.
August 2, 2017
ADVISE Huge Range Of Ages To Study Book Due Adult Bullies Are A Genuine Reality! Book Materials For Middle & High School Do Apply For Insightful Issues With Immature Adults Who Bully Other Adults! Incredible Valuable Resource For Every Person To Struggles With Bullies!
February 16, 2013
Excellent book...a must read for parents and teachers
February 5, 2015
Lots of examples and stories. Really thought-provoking.
May 28, 2019
I come out to this book when I searched internet to find something to read about bullying because I thought my son is being bullied. It’s an inclusive research about the topic. With this book I’m enlightened about what bullying is , what’s not and how to help kids who are bullied or bullies. I understand that my son’s issue is a normal conflict but this book is good guide to help parents and teachers throughout bullying situations which I cannot guarantee we’ll never face again. I especially enjoyed the discussion about the gender streotypes and they gave me perspectives. I recommend it to every parent and educators.
October 19, 2021
Published in 2012, "Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear," by Carrie Goldman, is an interesting read. The opening few chapters were excruciatingly boring, and I skipped them. The middle and end of the book were better.
This book really covers the basics about bullying, and that means reader mileage will vary.
I'd recommend this to anyone looking for a contemporary primer on the subject.
Four stars.
This book really covers the basics about bullying, and that means reader mileage will vary.
I'd recommend this to anyone looking for a contemporary primer on the subject.
Four stars.
September 8, 2017
"This book contains both personal insights from the parents of bullied teens, and expert recommendations for dealing with bullying. Goldman stresses that peer abuse can be physical, verbal, or virtual, and includes tips on how to confront harassing behavior in all of its various forms." (Annotation created for my booklist "25 Books about Teens and Bullying)
July 29, 2019
Straight forward advice, clearly laid out A few too many anecdotes for my taste over actual strategies. A couple of years old (pre-T2016) but the strategies and appendices are still useful.
February 28, 2020
This should be required reading for educators and parents.cpvers a lot of ground but has practical advice at individual and district level.
April 28, 2020
A recommendation for any parent, teacher, or anyone that is a part of children's lives.
October 8, 2014
At one time, “bully for you” was a celebratory expression. Today the word bully occupies a lot of attention and exclusively conjures up a world of hurt, rejection and fear. Families, schools, and churches, all struggle to handle this detrimental behavior. Bullying has worsened . Children accept fewer variants from a narrow definition of “acceptable” Today’s youth tighten the parameters of conformity. Violators of these rigid norms are called out, bullied and ostracized.
As adoptive families, we yearn for acceptance, to be seen as “normal” and “as good as” families form through biological ties. We are especially committed to nurturing healthy, warm relationships. We are also personally aware of the effect trauma has on attachment and developing relationships. As a consequence, we practice compassion and understanding and encourage others to embrace an attitude of empathy, understanding and support for our kids. At some level, adoption makes our children and our families “different”–not “less than,” but nonetheless, different.
We have a vested interest in being strong proponents of inclusion, tolerance and respect for others. Perhaps our initial motivation will emerge from concern for our children. Ultimately, we must care about all children. Everyone deserves to feel and be safe.How do we prepare our children to deal with bullying? How do we train them to choose kindness, respect and tolerance? One excellent resource is Carrie Goldman’s award-winning book, Bullied.
Bullied by Carrie Goldman has been named a National Parenting Publications Awards 2013 Gold Medal Winner and a Mom’s Choice Awards 2013 Gold Medal Winner! It is a complex, well-researched book on bullying. Goldman delineates what bullying is—and isn’t. She offers many ideas and techniques on how to combat it and how to prepare kids to face it, deflect and defuse it. The research she includes buttresses her suggestions very well. These are not pie-in-the-sky suggestions, but well-documented strategies. Bullied moves beyond blaming and finger pointing to focus on improving relationship skills.
As I read Bullied, I picture in my mind a huge wheel. At the core, sat the issue of bullying and then radiating from it were the many factors that emerge from this hub. Knee jerk reactions focus on disciplining the bully and on advising victims to ignore the bullying. Time has proven that these approaches are inadequate and in many ways counter-productive. While meanness may be deflected by ignoring, bullying cannot. This is because by nature bullying creates an unsafe situation, one in which the victim feels endangered, trapped and helpless. With the addition of cyber-bullying, there is no safe space to which the victim can escape from the relentless cruelty.
As parents, teachers, administrators peers and anonymous bystanders we can and must do better. Goldman demonstrates that we must approach all members of the bullying triad: the bully, the bullied and the bystanders. Each needs additional skills. Change comes through awareness and it is easiest to create the empathy and necessary skill sets when kids are young, when empathy is still an instinct that hasn’t been crushed by outside influences. Goldman proposes age-appropriate approaches that reflect kids changing attitudes, motivations, fears and concerns.
Additionally, Goldman calls on adults to examine their own behaviors, conversations and entertainment choices to identify the kind of values that those choices teach. Use respectful parenting styles that teach (the essence of discipline,) instead of simply punish. The toll that bullying takes on a person has life-long impact. Some victims will take their own lives (commit bullycide,) others will be permanently damaged by the memory, the crushing, relentless and enduring hit at self-esteem. They will shoulder a life-long and cruel burden of both the active bullyers as well as the silent bystanders whose very silence was interpreted as affirmation that the bullying was merited. A very tragic legacy indeed.
This book offers so much. My bottom line assessment: bullying is a problem in which each and every one of us must be part of the solutions. Each of us contributes to the atmosphere that allows bullying to thrive in our schools and our culture. Unless we are part of the solution, we are part of the problem—even if only peripherally. I highly recommend this book to parents, teachers.
Check out Carrie Goldman’s excellent website: Portrait of an adoption --Gayle H. Swift, author, "ABC, Adoption & Me
As adoptive families, we yearn for acceptance, to be seen as “normal” and “as good as” families form through biological ties. We are especially committed to nurturing healthy, warm relationships. We are also personally aware of the effect trauma has on attachment and developing relationships. As a consequence, we practice compassion and understanding and encourage others to embrace an attitude of empathy, understanding and support for our kids. At some level, adoption makes our children and our families “different”–not “less than,” but nonetheless, different.
We have a vested interest in being strong proponents of inclusion, tolerance and respect for others. Perhaps our initial motivation will emerge from concern for our children. Ultimately, we must care about all children. Everyone deserves to feel and be safe.How do we prepare our children to deal with bullying? How do we train them to choose kindness, respect and tolerance? One excellent resource is Carrie Goldman’s award-winning book, Bullied.
Bullied by Carrie Goldman has been named a National Parenting Publications Awards 2013 Gold Medal Winner and a Mom’s Choice Awards 2013 Gold Medal Winner! It is a complex, well-researched book on bullying. Goldman delineates what bullying is—and isn’t. She offers many ideas and techniques on how to combat it and how to prepare kids to face it, deflect and defuse it. The research she includes buttresses her suggestions very well. These are not pie-in-the-sky suggestions, but well-documented strategies. Bullied moves beyond blaming and finger pointing to focus on improving relationship skills.
As I read Bullied, I picture in my mind a huge wheel. At the core, sat the issue of bullying and then radiating from it were the many factors that emerge from this hub. Knee jerk reactions focus on disciplining the bully and on advising victims to ignore the bullying. Time has proven that these approaches are inadequate and in many ways counter-productive. While meanness may be deflected by ignoring, bullying cannot. This is because by nature bullying creates an unsafe situation, one in which the victim feels endangered, trapped and helpless. With the addition of cyber-bullying, there is no safe space to which the victim can escape from the relentless cruelty.
As parents, teachers, administrators peers and anonymous bystanders we can and must do better. Goldman demonstrates that we must approach all members of the bullying triad: the bully, the bullied and the bystanders. Each needs additional skills. Change comes through awareness and it is easiest to create the empathy and necessary skill sets when kids are young, when empathy is still an instinct that hasn’t been crushed by outside influences. Goldman proposes age-appropriate approaches that reflect kids changing attitudes, motivations, fears and concerns.
Additionally, Goldman calls on adults to examine their own behaviors, conversations and entertainment choices to identify the kind of values that those choices teach. Use respectful parenting styles that teach (the essence of discipline,) instead of simply punish. The toll that bullying takes on a person has life-long impact. Some victims will take their own lives (commit bullycide,) others will be permanently damaged by the memory, the crushing, relentless and enduring hit at self-esteem. They will shoulder a life-long and cruel burden of both the active bullyers as well as the silent bystanders whose very silence was interpreted as affirmation that the bullying was merited. A very tragic legacy indeed.
This book offers so much. My bottom line assessment: bullying is a problem in which each and every one of us must be part of the solutions. Each of us contributes to the atmosphere that allows bullying to thrive in our schools and our culture. Unless we are part of the solution, we are part of the problem—even if only peripherally. I highly recommend this book to parents, teachers.
Check out Carrie Goldman’s excellent website: Portrait of an adoption --Gayle H. Swift, author, "ABC, Adoption & Me
January 7, 2015
Bullying is a universal problem affecting people of all ages. In children, bullying can lead to serious psychological consequences, which can last a lifetime. Among adults in the workplace, bullying is called mobbing, which can lead to nervous breakdowns, divorces, and even shooting sprees.
In the US these days, bullying has caught a lot of media attention. Since children are adults in the making, I wanted to read this book to understand the roots of this behavior.
The root is mutual competition, a race to the top of sorts, coupled with envy. It has become an epidemic in the US, because being an economic powerhouse and a consumer economy is bound to have consequences. Jesus (peace be upon him) did have a very solid reason for saying, "My Kingdom is not of this world."
America leads the way and creates new paradigms in business every year. Advertising was invented there; advertising institutionalizes mutual competition and envy.
A theme running in the book is that of the two main human drives of sex and violence identified by Freud. The author erringly credits them to the media and to corporate greed. In "The Dark Side of Man" Ghilglieri identifies male proclivity to violence and the female reason d'etre of physical appeal and intimacy. The Freudian assertion and Ghiglieri's anthropological research findings are perfectly in line with the statement of the Qur'an in Surah Baqarah. It is not the media's work or corporate greed; this is primal human nature.
The human hand is seen when childhood innocence is lost to corporate greed. Children have been sexualized to make them pursue adult goals, so that corporations can make money. This has them competing viciously, which is what bullying is all about. The author identifies this correctly.
I took 1 star off my rating for a reason. A better format for the book would have been to discuss the authors' daughter's dilemma upfront, and then move on to the nature, causes, consequences and solutions for bullying. At the end, the author should have related a happy ending to the conflict facing her daughter. In the present format, I lost interest at the very beginning when the author proudly went on about celebrity involvement and her own as well as her daughter's public engagements. The book began to seem like a publicity seeking gimmick to me. However, it then redeemed itself in the chapters that followed.
In the US these days, bullying has caught a lot of media attention. Since children are adults in the making, I wanted to read this book to understand the roots of this behavior.
The root is mutual competition, a race to the top of sorts, coupled with envy. It has become an epidemic in the US, because being an economic powerhouse and a consumer economy is bound to have consequences. Jesus (peace be upon him) did have a very solid reason for saying, "My Kingdom is not of this world."
America leads the way and creates new paradigms in business every year. Advertising was invented there; advertising institutionalizes mutual competition and envy.
A theme running in the book is that of the two main human drives of sex and violence identified by Freud. The author erringly credits them to the media and to corporate greed. In "The Dark Side of Man" Ghilglieri identifies male proclivity to violence and the female reason d'etre of physical appeal and intimacy. The Freudian assertion and Ghiglieri's anthropological research findings are perfectly in line with the statement of the Qur'an in Surah Baqarah. It is not the media's work or corporate greed; this is primal human nature.
The human hand is seen when childhood innocence is lost to corporate greed. Children have been sexualized to make them pursue adult goals, so that corporations can make money. This has them competing viciously, which is what bullying is all about. The author identifies this correctly.
I took 1 star off my rating for a reason. A better format for the book would have been to discuss the authors' daughter's dilemma upfront, and then move on to the nature, causes, consequences and solutions for bullying. At the end, the author should have related a happy ending to the conflict facing her daughter. In the present format, I lost interest at the very beginning when the author proudly went on about celebrity involvement and her own as well as her daughter's public engagements. The book began to seem like a publicity seeking gimmick to me. However, it then redeemed itself in the chapters that followed.
July 5, 2015
The author seems passionate about the subject, and that's good. I might be convinced to watch her blog for a time, and may do so should one of my grandchildren come to me with a problem that sounds like bullying. The book holds out hope for the frazzled parent that bullies can be dealt with, and it is very likely they can be - just not always, probably, in as straightforward a manner as Goldman would have us buy into. Yes, kids should not have to put up with the bully for long, but they are out there, and are unlikely to cease being out there so long as we would all like to have a society that is free and open. We seem to have almost arrived at a point where most parents are ill-equipped to deal with the complexities of their own children's lives, to say nothing of making sense of the lives of children from broken and dysfunctional homes. And the bullies come from homes across the entire spectrum, so which type of "thug" is it - one from a family just like yours, or from that of an uptight helicopter parent, or from one where the next gang-banger is being raised? So we have more specialists to intervene on the way to the bully making it a police matter when some line has been crossed. My mind almost glazed over when I started hearing about "anti-bullying task force" - and thinking, I'll bet most teachers have that right at the top of their list (not) when they really would like the kids to be able to follow the lesson(s) of the day.
But please - if you've no idea how your young loved one is ending up morose or bruised after school or an outing, check out Goldman's book to get a clue whether the issue might be someone bullying that loved one.
But please - if you've no idea how your young loved one is ending up morose or bruised after school or an outing, check out Goldman's book to get a clue whether the issue might be someone bullying that loved one.
June 8, 2013
Bullied offers a clear understanding of bullying and sets it apart from other things that we tend to lump under the label bullying. Bullying is repeated, unwanted and comes from a power differential. It can be physical, sexual, social or verbal.
From the starting place of her own daughter's experience with being bullied, Carrie talks about possible solutions, including the wide variety of programs that are available to schools. She also places bullying into the community context. Programs that focus only on the victims, or only on the bully are doomed to failure. It is vital to give support to the victims at the same times as we teach the bully new ways of interacting. Punishment is not effective at reducing bullying, but intervention to teach empathy and a different set of social skills is.
She also talks about the need to train parents to be consistent in their parenting and not to use bullying tactics to raise their children. The earlier the intervention comes, the better the outcome is likely to be. While many victims carry scars from their bullying for life, it is the bullies who are most damaged. Bullying is a strong indicator for failed relationships and criminal activity later in life.
This is an easy book to read, but it is very important for us to understand.
From the starting place of her own daughter's experience with being bullied, Carrie talks about possible solutions, including the wide variety of programs that are available to schools. She also places bullying into the community context. Programs that focus only on the victims, or only on the bully are doomed to failure. It is vital to give support to the victims at the same times as we teach the bully new ways of interacting. Punishment is not effective at reducing bullying, but intervention to teach empathy and a different set of social skills is.
She also talks about the need to train parents to be consistent in their parenting and not to use bullying tactics to raise their children. The earlier the intervention comes, the better the outcome is likely to be. While many victims carry scars from their bullying for life, it is the bullies who are most damaged. Bullying is a strong indicator for failed relationships and criminal activity later in life.
This is an easy book to read, but it is very important for us to understand.
April 24, 2013
It was okay. I felt like it stated the obvious a little too much. A lot of situations arise from children being just like their parents. It is very hard to deal with bullying children when so many schools are afraid of lawsuits from the parents of the child being the bully. And other parents of children who don't help their children recognize that by their behavior they are going to be targeted for comments. As an adult in a middle school I am very cognizant of bullying behavior. I try to be very diligent on seeing and responding to that type of behavior. I also try to notice and discuss the how and why of the behavior of the child being bullied. Sometimes awkward social behavior is at the root of bullying. When children are annoyed and/or frustrated by the inappropriate behavior some children exhibit they become mean because they want the behavior to stop. I think a lot needs to be done, but I don't think kids are hanging themselves over a thermos. We do need to have children with a little thicker skin but we also need to let them know that they are special in their own way and a happy medium needs to be found.
October 3, 2012
This book was so full of information that I had a hard time actually getting through all of it. Goldman clearly did her research and spoke with a wealth of professionals in the field of bullying, including many people (adults and kids) who were bullied themselves, and how to coped. I was looking for a very practical guide on how to address bullying with my own kids, and that part was present in the final few chapters. I wanted more though. The better part of the book discusses the reasons that our society is ripe for bullying and visions of what it would look like to live in a bully-free society. While I agree with her points about gender roles and other society ills, I had a really hard time using that information in my personal day-to-day life. I'd have preferred a book that was primarily about how to teach our own kids to be neither bullies nor victims, with a section about society at the end instead.
September 10, 2014
My main question of books like this is how reliable is the information? Goldman uses anecdotes for most of the book (generally not a good sign), but she also cites research which is consistent with the anecdotes. Some parts (especially about societal norms around gender) sound like soapbox preaching, but mostly it is a good coverage of all aspects of bullying -- addressing the victim, the bully, the spectators, and the authorities; addressing teasing, cyberbullying, and physical attacks; and most important, describing strategies and programs that help. I don't know if this is the best book on the subject, but it is certainly adequate, and it is a subject which anyone who deals with children or adolescents should know about.
February 12, 2017
The author has her heart in the right place. The book has a lot of stories (which are fine); some interesting (but mostly self-reported so not all that reliable) statistics; advice (much of which seems good) from various kind-of-experts; and references to actual groups that might be helpful. While I agree with the author that bullying needs to be dealt with and shouldn't be tolerated, I didn't find anything new or even very interesting. She glosses over racism and uses the word transgender but doesn't even give an example. And one of the later chapters, "Strategies that Ease the Negative Effects of Taunting" was laughable. If I'd tried any of those as a bullied kid, they would definitely have made it worse.
Read
August 10, 2013(submitted in the Summer Reading Grand Prize Drawing at the Northwest Branch - chosen as a staff favorite)
A must-read for anyone who works with children, “Bullied” explains how changes in our culture (i.e. gender-based marketing) have contributed to a rise in bullying as well as the long term effects of bullying on the brain. “Bullied” also discussed best practices for dealing not only with victims, but also with the bullies themselves. Goldman emphasizes that we should not change children to make them less of a target. Rather, we should change ourselves and our culture so that all children are safe expressing their true selves.
-submitted by Sarah
A must-read for anyone who works with children, “Bullied” explains how changes in our culture (i.e. gender-based marketing) have contributed to a rise in bullying as well as the long term effects of bullying on the brain. “Bullied” also discussed best practices for dealing not only with victims, but also with the bullies themselves. Goldman emphasizes that we should not change children to make them less of a target. Rather, we should change ourselves and our culture so that all children are safe expressing their true selves.
-submitted by Sarah
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