Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

by Les Carter

Those who are in the unenviable position of living or working with a narcissist have learned by sad trial and error that they are the only one in the relationship who can change the dynamic. Certainly narcissists don’t think they need to change. Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me is a hands-on resource for helping colleagues, families, and spouses deal with people who exhibit narcissistic tendencies by learning how to change their own attitudes and responses.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Reference, Personal Development, Christian

208 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

Psychotherapist

Reviews

[Mick · Rating 2 out of 5]

While there is good advice buried in these pages, the author's preachy, patronizing tone and his assumption that everyone who reads his book is Christian was more than enough to turn me off really early (although I did finish this book; testament to how bad my narcissist is.) This is more of an annoyance than anything else; the real nail in the coffin for this book was the blasé attitude the author had towards abuse.

At one point he goes into joyful detail about how he counseled a woman with a controlling husband to not only stay with him to try to make it work, but to stand up to him more often, even though the woman told him that her husband was reacting to her self-actualization by escalating his controlling behaviors. This is a serious red flag that goes totally unremarked upon by the author; abusive partners who are confronted with their significant other trying to be independent of his control are not likely to give it up, and there's a very real possibility that this woman's husband could have escalated to violence in his attempts to control her. The author not only fails to talk about this, but he doesn't even resolve this woman's story! For all the reader knows, her husband continued to escalate his abuse indefinitely, aided by this author who didn't bother to learn the difference between narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

Throughout the book, there are many times where the author veers uncomfortably close to victim-blaming, shoehorns in Christian philosophy, or solemnly testifies that swearing is the sign of a weak, prideful mind. With that said, there was some genuinely good advice in this book about the importance of confidence in your decisions when dealing with a narcissist, and that we need to be careful to avoid becoming bitter and selfish in the same way that they are. While this advice is good, the author has no nuance to his arguments. I find this ironic, considering he emphasizes the very real need for less black-and-white thinking.

Overall, I'd say the book is worth a read if you're at the end of your rope with a narcissist you can't cut off, like I am. However, please don't forget your Critical Thinking Hat™, and remember to read other books on the subject. One of my favorites for dealing with abusive behavior is Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Even though it's written specifically for people who are either in or recovering from abusive relationships, it is full of good advice and enlightening information about abusive behavior that everyone should know.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

The best of the how to deal with a narcissist books that I've read. Great advice on how to deal with my sister, first of which is respond with your head not your emotions. And remove fear from the equation:

1. Do Not Be Threatened by the Narcissist's Wrong Perceptions.
2. Stop Justifying Your Choices
3. Go Beyond Talk and Take Action Toward Change.
4. Forget About Generating Good Will.

In addition, put aside pride and commit to humility:

1. Be Respectful, Even When Respect Is Not Reciprocated.
2. Refrain from Power Communications
3. Accept That The Narcissist Might Think Ill of You
4. Release Your Disillusionment and Move On!!

Two mistakes to avoid:

1. Refrain from Being Drawn Into Rage
2. Do Not Rescind Your Appropriate Assertions

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative book. It was very helpful to read a book that was about what the VICTIM of a narcissist can do to help with their own recovery, and self-protection, instead of why the narcissist is disordered. In my own case, the narcissist that inflicted so much damage in my life was already permanently disordered well before I'd ever met him. I had previously read several books about NPD, the traits of the disorder, and why it happens (which were also very helpful to me in their own ways). However, at this point, I need to recover from the pain and damage that he inflicted onto me (and everyone else around him). This book was very helpful and informative about how I can overcome my own pain, anger, take control of my own responses to narcissists, and move on with life toward a more happy, secure, and peaceful existence that is NOT defined by him in any way. Thank you, Dr. Les Carter!

[Valarie · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I read this book, in 2006, I was being kicked in the behind by a lot of people who were merely the center of their own universes and actively disregarded everyone else. I wasn't raised that way and I couldn't understand why these people thought they were so freakin' special and entitled that the world was required to revolve around them.

Well, this book was quite the eye-opener. It also managed to offer a lot of perspective. I highly recommend it, whether or not there are narcissists driving you insane in your life.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book gave me some insights in how to handle the narcissist in my family.

[Alexa · Rating 3 out of 5]

An accessible and useful book ( that can be used as , I won't use the word guidebook, but it can provide gumpion for individuals that have to interact , with narcissists on a daily basis.

It's practical and useful without being moralising and pedantic.

However, there were times when I felt the extent and potential for narcissistic abuse in relationships(domestic and workplace) was undermined.

In other words the book would have been better had it provided more examples on narcissistic emotional abuse.

Although this is a book on 'managing' and dealing with narcissists and not a book on abuse per se, I believe it may have been even more helpful for the reader with additional case examples, specifically 'gas lighting'.

[Laurel · Rating 3 out of 5]

At first this book really depressed me....well, actually the entire time I read this book I felt a little discouraged because I realized the answer to my situation was to either leave or to alter my own approach. It's on me, not on the narcissist...because as I learned and agree, you can't change a narcissist. That revelation alone made the book worth reading. Now to work on humility and forgiveness.

[Kari · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned so much about Narcissism and how to deal with people in your life. It was the "aha" book for me. I would highly recommend this book if you are dealing with difficult people and can't quite figure out why you can't find resolutions.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an incredibly helpful and eye opening look into life with a narcissist. I especially appreciated the primary focus of the advice being on the one who could adapt, forgive and root out bitterness, instead of the focus being completely on the narcissist and all their flaws.

[Simona Garbarini · Rating 4 out of 5]

Libro interessante, pieno di consigli su come trattare con le persone che pensano soltanto a se stesse, i cosiddetti narcisisti. Un po' schematico nella divisione nel mondo tra narcisisti e normali (mentre è mia convinzione che tutti possiamo assumere questo ruolo) e nell'asserzione della impossibilità di cambiare un narciso, ma tutto sommato utile

[Monica Willyard Moen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very helpful for dealing with some of the difficult people in your life. It has lots of practical suggestions for putting the ideas into practice.

[Stephanie Swallow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Saved me!

I wish I had found this book years ago. Being married to a narcissist for 33 years but not destroyed. This book has given me a new freedom to be who Christ created me to be. I am eternally grateful!

[Hemani · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful techniques for coping and descriptive case studies:

This book is an excellent source of information about the self absorbed. The author provides a detailed landscape of the various incarnations of a narcissistic personality type and offers some insightful, seemingly practical and pragmatic approaches to coping with such complex people. I like that the book defines the difference between selfish behavior and self preservation. The author also takes time discuss what is and is not forgiveness. So for example, forgiveness is not "denying the legitimate pain you have experienced." For basic help and understanding, this is a must read.

Too thin on theoretical explanations (the why and how such a personality forms and functions):

Like all other books on the same topic, narcissism, as described here, seems to apply to many of us in varying degrees which is why it is tough to discern what makes this personality unique and pathological rather than simply an elongated description of an arrogant control freak. Based on the definitions within the book, I could rather easily diagnose almost everyone I know personally and professionally as a narcissist. While the book does tip its hat to that possibility, it tries to wiggle out of that problem by suggesting most individuals mature out of narcissism when they develop empathy. True empathy. <--- That distinction is unsatisfactory for me because I don't know how to measure "true" empathy without making a judgment or set of presumptions that I am in no position to make. It's been a challenge to locate literature on narcissism that tries to round out some of the edges of this rather square (as in too broad) definition.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book, not always an easy read as it prompted much inner probing and analyzing how current habits and behavior patterns can be changed to take more responsibility in flawed relationships. The main points which Les Carter seemed to drive home again and again are to stop expecting the narcissist to change and don't let your response to their behavior and attitudes be a reflection of them, but instead of your own character. Be true to yourself regardless of how they respond!

The book is divided into three parts. The first two are definitely useful, around identifying narcissism, but the third part was the most practical and one that I think I will find myself revisiting more often than the other two to drive home the action items and healthy responses.

[Ginny · Rating 3 out of 5]

informative

[Jeremy Neal · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lifesaver, with (at last) a workable approach to handling these toxic people.

[Chad · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very helpful, if you are dealing with this type of personality in your life.

[Marcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a GREAT book. Very insightful and thought provoking.

[Gina]

Good book and it is very intuitive on dealing with Narcissists. Worth the read...

[Hatlogo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very informative book. But basically, what I had read on this book were "do whatever you want and don't give a fuck about them".

[Debbi Skeen]

.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read several books on this topic, and this is the first one to discuss forgiveness. That chapter and the one on fostering your own inner security are the most important ones in the book to me.

[Jean Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nearly everyone has suffered the misfortune of encountering narcissists in their life: people who believe the universe revolves around them; who are very controlling; whose thought processes and ways of doing things are (at least according to them!) superior to all others; who firmly believe in their absolute infallibility; who never are to blame for anything and always portray themselves as the victim when they are “unjustly accused”; etc. etc. ad nauseam. Dealing with such people can be likened to gingerly making one’s way through a minefield on one’s belly, probing gently ahead with a bayonet and earnestly hoping and praying that there is no sudden catastrophic explosion.

Dr. Carter’s book is especially written for those who do not have the option of simply having nothing to do with such people, but who must either live, work, or associate in some way with one on a regular basis. He describes how someone can become a narcissist, and the different forms narcissism can take; and how to deal with the frustration and emotional turmoil that often result from constant exposure to such a person—anger and fear. Anger, at the realization that the narcissist is never likely to change, no matter what anyone can say or do; fear, because constant exposure to a narcissist and his or her perpetual condescension and criticism can erode one’s sense of self-worth and potentially lead to depression and complete emotional and spiritual paralysis.

The solutions Dr. Carter suggests for those who must constantly dwell or interact with a narcissist are not geared toward changing the narcissist—because, he says, that is never likely to happen—but rather toward helping those at the other end maintain their self-respect, dignity, and sense of self-worth: forgiveness and humility. Forgiveness, because the narcissist cannot help who he is or is in denial about his condition; humility, because it must be remembered that both parties in the relationship are equally worthy as human beings, even if one fails to acknowledge this in his treatment of the other. The benefit of this dual approach is that it lessens the temptation to respond with anger and condescension and a concomitant lowering of behavioral standards to the same level as the narcissist’s; at the same time, of course, an attitude of pride, superiority (“Yes, there but for the grace of God go I, but I’m sure glad I’m not like him and that I’m a better person than he is”) must be avoided. Part of this also is growing a somewhat thick skin and not buckling under to whatever unreasonable demands the narcissist might make. Of course, this will be much easier to do in some cases than in others; for this reason Dr. Carter suggests counseling and the development of independence and outside support networks, or, finally, separation and/or divorce only if necessary and as a last resort in order to preserve life or sanity. His definition of forgiveness does not encompass a “forgive and forget” attitude and pretending that grievances never occurred, but a realization that the narcissist may be in the grip of emotional forces beyond his control.

This book will likely not help the narcissist, but may provide a modicum of hope and relief to those in a relationship with one. It is a hard road to travel under the best of circumstances, and Dr. Carter has provided a valuable resource which can hopefully make the journey a bit less arduous.


***** review by Chuck Graham *****

[FrDrStel Muksuris · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offers a sensible and practical means of understanding and coping with those individuals with openly narcissistic tendencies. As the author, Dr. Les Carter, implies, the narcissists in our lives cannot be avoided. They can be parents, spouses, or co-workers — people with whom we have frequent interaction on virtually a daily basis.

There are several main takeaways from the book. First, narcissistic behavior is rarely corrigible. In other words, the overwhelming majority of narcissists will hardly ever change. Therefore, expectations one might have about ameliorating one’s relationship with a narcissist are extremely low to practically nonexistent.

The focus, to be sure, is on the person coping with the narcissist in his life. The desired result is not developing a strategic model to defend oneself against the narcissist or to learn effective means of countering the latter’s self-centeredness and non-negotiable temperament. Rather the book probes the individual strengths of each person in treating the narcissist with a reasonable balance of assertiveness and respect. I can respectfully disagree and stand up for what I believe to be true, I can detach myself from the seemingly endless vicious cycle of guilt tripping and accusations, and I can forgive the narcissist in my life for the weaknesses in her character that bog down her own spirit and the spirits of those around her. In a nutshell, I give myself permission to live wholesomely and to let the other live as they will, knowing I cannot change them and don’t need to change the impossible. I can shift my attitude and realize the only thing in my control is my response and what I internalize and externalize in a given situation.

One perceptible weakness of the book, in my opinion, is on its apparent overemphasis on the incorrigibility of a person with narcissistic tendencies. Titles such as a “narcissist” or a “passive-aggressive individual” can be detrimental. They do not define the entire person but only indicate certain traits and flaws in one’s character that become evident in their interpersonal relationships. Everyone has, as the author makes clear early in the book, a tendency toward self-focus, even if that self-focus is originally founded in self-preservation. I think “narcissists” are best understood as those persons who are compulsively or obsessively controlling of others. Although the odds might be very low, such individuals, by God’s grace, can be redeemed. Carter’s attitude toward narcissists is completely dismissive. Perhaps the applied spirituality that he uses in assisting those coping with narcissists in their lives can be extended to the narcissist, who is equally in need of divine redemption and prayer, and perhaps at a greater degree than others.

Other than that, this is a helpful book with some excellent practical counsel.

[L · Rating 2 out of 5]

Long-winded self-help guide for victims of narcissists. I appreciated seeing my narcissistic family member's traits reflected in the book, and I was intrigued by some of the actions he recommended. But the book basically has just one message: You are not going to convince the narcissist to change, so you will need to change yourself. It was so repetitive. And it, weirdly, seemed to assume its readers were Christian and would welcome mentions of God along with the more expected (and more appropriate) psychological concepts.

Carter also fell victim to that pattern I so often hate about self-help books: asserting that if (and only if) you do things the author's way, everything will be fine. I also did not like his heavy use of quoted conversations, which were clearly invented to make a point rather than real--or even realistic.

And I was deeply skeptical of the author's real reluctance to say "stay away from that person; they could endanger you." Encouraging forgiveness and assertiveness in the face of spousal abuse doesn't seem like the right message at all.

[Caroline]

Really hard one to rate
This one honestly nearly lost me in the beginning, as I hadn't realised it was very much a Christian book. No issue with that theoretically, but the lines about Narcissism being a result of "original sin", and accusing babies of being Narcissists had me truly side-eyeing how useful this book was going to be.

The ultimate messaging, however, was good. The book does lean very heavily on self-preservation, and looking after one's self. The reason given was because every human is valid, and you shouldn't let a narcissist undermine that.
A lot of the suggestions feel a bit passive, in that, there's a lot of letting the narc roam free, which is something we should ignore rather than address. But the reasons given for this approach made sense, and honestly, though it's inherently a hard approach to take (most of us will desire trying to change a narc, after all), I think it's very valid - especially in cases where you can't fully cut out a narc.

[Chris Jarvis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve lived with a narcissist for a long time and Dr. Carter has given me affirmation for all my feelings and assessments of my situation AND the solutions that I’ve found most effective. He gives names to these solutions and affirmations such as humility and forgiveness and development of self worth in those of us living with a narcissist as well as self righteousness and entitlement to the narcissist. It’s been very encouraging to read this and know that I’m not too far off base in my experience with a narcissist. Do I fail sometimes? Do I still get angry and frustrated? Will I keep making mistakes? Yes to all the above. But I’m empowered to know I have self worth and good ideas and am no longer burdened with having to fix a situation...only to know how to deal with the challenges it presents in an effective and satisfying way. And THAT is a great relief. It gives me peace.

[V · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great book by Dr. Carter. I have several narcissists in my life right now that can't be entirely avoided. This was useful in helping me recognize what I can- and cannot- do to improve my situation. Many of the things I need to do are not easy, but at least I have peace of mind knowing it is not my responsibility, nor within my ability- to change the other person no matter how much I may love them. I can, however, continue to work on becoming a better person myself, as well as adjust my behaviors to minimize the fall-out that narcissists are intent on making. Useful advice to reduce myself as their "narcissistic supply."
If you are dealing with any narcissists, also check out this author's youtube channel, "Surviving Narcissism."

[Huong Tran · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm very grateful to stumble on this book after a breakup with a narcissistic person. While being in the relationship, I'd not recognize these patterns ( honestly, I possibly ignored the patterns and didn't want to accept the truth). Now that the wounds are still fresh, this book has helped me heal because I understood that it was not my fault (as he always said), that there were nothing I could have done to make this relationship better, and that there won't be any hope for a better future so I can accept and move on. Highly recommended for those who have been struggle in a relationship that one felt constant anxiety, self-doubt, depression, and had to tip toe around their loved ones.

[J · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked up this book upon recommendation as I had commented about having a tough relationship with some co-workers. I did find myself nodding my head several times as I read descriptions and examples. If you are looking for a solution, it isn't in this book. (I don't think that's the author's fault, it's simply reality when dealing with narcissicts. They won't change because they don't think there's a reason to change.)