The Dude's Guide to Marriage: Ten Skills Every Husband Must Develop to Love His Wife Well

by Darrin Patrick, Amie Patrick, Paul David Tripp (Foreword)

“I am a well-loved wife.” Is this something your wife would say?

Here’s your guide to making those words a reality in your marriage.

What do women want? This question has stumped the greatest male minds for centuries. Of course, if you’re married, a much better question is, “What does your wife want?”

As Darrin and Amie Patrick reveal in this profoundly practical and transformational book, God designed your wife to want—to need—to be loved. And that design is an invitation for you to love her deeply, intentionally and passionately.

Practicing ten powerful actions—including listening, pursuing, and serving—will transform you into your wife’s lifelong champion and have her nominating you for the Husband Hall of Fame. 

The Dude’s Guide to Marriage is for guys who want to grow, who want clear steps to improving their marriage. It’s for men who want a marriage that thrives rather than just survives. 

Grab this guide, and get ready to be a better husband by becoming a better man.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Nonfiction, Religion, Relationships, Christianity, Audiobook

205 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 3, 2015

About the author

Darrin Patrick worked as a pastor and chaplain. He died by suicide in 2020.

Reviews

[Jeremy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of really good practical advice that I could use regular review with. Good questions (that husbands should ask their wives) at the end of each chapter.

Patrick usually avoids absolute language (e.g., "every guy"), but not always (see pp. 11, 23, 55, 111, 118, 119).

viii: Paul David Trip: "I am deeply persuaded that the number-one reason that marriages fail is not adultery or abuse, but neglect."

Chapter 1: Listen
5: report-talk vs. rapport-talk
7-9: nonverbals such as posture and eye contact
9: acting interested can actually lead to being interested; repeat what the other person said (see p. 47)

Chapter 2: Talk
22: ask leading questions to bring the best out of your wife
25: collaborate on ways to engage your kids' hearts and make memories for them; avoid words such as always and never
26: Ask: What should I keep doing? What should I start doing? What should I stop doing?
28: importance of daily conversation

Chapter 3: Fight
35: we are products of our upbringings
35-37: don't ignore conflict, bottle it up, or exaggerate it
37-38: "Your personality influences you to moralize your preferred method in a conflict. You think the way you feel comfortable dealing with conflict is the right way."
204n3: "Our temptation is to give ourselves too much credit for our innate strengths and others too much criticism for their innate weaknesses."
42-46: stop viewing each other as enemies, avoid arguing when you're depleted, let go of the need for an immediate solution
47: mirroring (see p. 9)

Chapter 4: Grow
55: leaders are readers
57: develop friendships with those who are not like you
58: seek community (new mirrors; iron sharpening iron), not affinity (echo chamber)
64-65: naming is recognizing; what we name we can tame
66-67: Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas (my top two might be intellectual and music); let your favorite pathways lead you to more difficult ones

Chapter 5: Provide
76: wives get resentful when husbands don't work hard, in part because when women end up doing most of the household chores, they have a double burden
78: "many men don't rest well because they don't work that hard. They live for the weekend (working to rest well) instead of working from the weekend (resting to work well)"
80: husbands literally are cultivators
81: quote from Crouch's Culture Making
82-84: the belief in distinctive roles for men and women comes partially from the way that God curses men and women in Genesis 3: Adam is cursed in the field, and Eve is cursed in the home
84: know the limits of your work—don't demonize it or idolize it

Chapter 6: Rest
93: unrest robs you of your patience and desire to talk
95: we don't rest well because we don't work well; weisure is the blurring of work and leisure
101: practice slowing down
102: "If you don't choose the sabbath, the sabbath will choose you, and the results will be illness, burnout, and relational brokenness."

Chapter 7: Serve
110: in earlier decades, husbands worked and wives served (that's damaging to a marriage)
112: Chapman's 5 love languages
114-15: "stress is the response of the body to any demand for change"; "bridge activities" can help you destress from work, but use them to later engage with your family
115: Patrick is the chaplain to the St. Louis Cardinals
116: serve your wife by doing things that she doesn't enjoy
118: breadwinning wives still do at least two-thirds of the housework
118-19: many men exaggerate, are deliberately obtuse ("You're just better at that than I am, honey."), are really and truly oblivious, and feel threatened by their wives' superiority

Chapter 8: Submit
126: ancient philosophers did not value humility and submission
127: C.S. Lewis: pride gets pleasure, not from the thing itself, but from having more of it
130: men and women are equal in value and dignity before God; submit to each others' strengths
132: times for a husband to submit to his wife: "When your wife has more expertise or life experience, or when the decision falls in an area of her strength." "When your wife has a strong leaning or gut feeling and you don't, even after you've intentionally thought through the situation." "When your wife has more invested in a potential outcome than you do, or when she will be more affected by the decision than you are." "When you sense that you're just trying to win or get your way more than you're trying to do what's best for you and your family." "When you have an opportunity to honor your wife's preferences just because you love her, and doing so will bring her joy."

Chapter 9: Pursue
137: don't hurry after pleasure so much that you rush right by it (Kierkegaard)
138: it's easy to slack off the pursuit after marriage
140-42: small efforts over time > big efforts every once in a while
146-47: practical ways to take initiative
148: male chivalry isn't about female inability—it's about husbands demonstrating humble care and pursuit
149-56: pursue your wife physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually (lots of practical bullet points here)
152: emotional disconnection is often felt first; don't let dates become planning meetings
154: internal and external processors
155: don't be embarrassed about getting professional counseling; spiritual pursuit is the most important

Chapter 10: Worship
164: we represent God and work out His purposes here on earth
165: God is God-centered, and it's okay
169: idolatry is misplaced worship
170: worship = worth shape [inaccurate; -ship is just a suffix, like in kingship]
174: "Progress is not perfection"; we are empowered by the One Who was perfect

Appendix A: What If I'm Single?
177-78: acknowledge your disappointment
178: enlarge your relational network (friends are like mirrors, and sometimes you need new ones)
178-79: build your career; have ambition (don't confuse contentment with complacency); acquire new skills; it takes discipline to get to your ideal job; discipline and character are required for work and relationships
179-80: become more interesting
180-81: address awkwardness (see here)
181: hang with healthy families
182: focus your free time
182-83: pursue purity

Appendix B: What If I'm Scared of Counseling?
Patrick addresses common excuses to avoid counseling, which he highly recommends

Appendix C: What If My Wife Is More Spiritual Than I Am?
195: as the leader of his family, the husband is responsible

Appendix D: What Are the Love Languages?
bullet points with lots of practical advice connected to each love language

[Luke Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is crammed full of great insight, ground-level theology, and practical applications. Both writers are very transparent and very engaging. I would recommend this book to any guy who wants to grow in his marriage. This is definitely a book I'll come back to again.

[Philip Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some good stuff in here. Real shame what ended up happening to Darrin Patrick.

[Nathan Albright · Rating 5 out of 5]

[Note: This book was provided free of charge by BookLook/Thomas Nelson Publishers in exchange for an honest review.]

It is a bit sad that the authors of this book, a husband and wife team, where the husband has written at least one other “Dude’s Guide” [1], assume that the reader of this particular book will be a husband who never reads books who receives this book as a not-very-subtle gift from his wife. Although the book does include one appendix about singles that offers some encouragement and expresses the dissatisfaction with singlehood felt by many, the vast majority of this book, which including its worthwhile appendices runs at a trim 200 page, is aimed directly at married men and gives them a tough but godly standard of behavior to model so that there can be success in marriage and family that is often elusive for many men, who may be devoted to their hobbies or may be good providers, but are often at a loss in how to effectively communicate with and show love and concern for their wives, with immensely damaging results.

The contents of this book are focused and well targeted, and consist of introductory material that encourages men to take their marriages seriously, a set of ten chapters that give ten straightforward and blunt ways that men can learn how to love their wives well, and then a set of appendices that speak to the book’s single readers, advise counseling for serious difficulties, give men advise on how to be as spiritual as their wives, and talk about the five love languages explored by Gary Chapman [2]. The ten chapters are based around a single word, to make their point even more clear: Listen, Talk, Fight, Grow, Provide, Rest, Serve, Submit, Pursue, and Worship [God]. Besides being blunt and direct, there are some surprising pleasures to be found in the book, like detailed conversations on how to properly pay attention, ask clarifying questions, and built rapport and show understanding of the needs and longings of one’s spouse, a worthwhile undertaking. The chapter on rest gives particular attention to the need to observe the Sabbath as described in the Bible, a surprising and remarkable piece of advice that is so striking one wonders if the author understands the full implications of what he is saying.

Most of the book is written by Darrin, but his wife Amie writes thoughtfully in many chapters and writes one chapter, the touching and romantic chapter on pursuit, explaining how she wanted to be pursued and treasured by her husband, and giving a worthwhile and heartfelt commentary on ways that men can continue to show an interest in a wife after marriage, rather than relegating pursuit to only the dating or courtship period of a relationship. While it is a bit sad that the author is likely right that most of the men who read this book will find it as an unsubtle present from their longsuffering wives, those men who take this book seriously, and use the book as a conversation piece, especially with the five good questions that come at the end of each chapter, will find much to reward them. This book is a challenge, but the challenge is not designed to be an attack on the honor or dignity of a man, but rather a call to put one’s passion and attention into cultivating a good marriage on all levels, so that one’s marriage and family relationship can be a springboard to success rather than an area of weakness and continual difficulty. This book provides sound and biblical advice on marriage that address some of the major difficulties faced by many men, and it is written in such an honest and open fashion that it encourages acceptance rather than talking down to its audience, which is a rare and notable achievement in this sort of book.

[Michele Morin · Rating 5 out of 5]

10 Words to Consider before Becoming a Husband

In matters of relationship, a teaspoonful of doing is worth more than a bushel- basket full of knowing.

We’ve all read Dobson and Chapman and Eggerichs until we’ve become so accountable before God with all our knowledge that we are clearly without excuse. So, while it’s become a tired cliché, it is no less true: love is an action verb. Darrin and Amie Patrick have given us a collection of ten more active verbs to get marriages moving in the right direction — more specifically, to get husbands (and future husbands) thinking about the skills that are needed in order to love a wife.

The Dude’s Guide to Marriage is bound to make the rounds here in the Morin compound — we have four beloved “dudes,” and one has already launched into marriage and a family. ** (You should be impressed that I have exercised restraint and not put a picture of the adorable grandboy here.) ** Marvin Olasky summarized the book well in his review for World Magazine: “Despite the silly title, [it] isn’t a silly book. The maxims it offers in 10 chapters with titles like ‘Listen,’ ‘Provide,’ ‘Serve,’ and ‘Pursue’ are sensible.”

Yes, sensible. With a light touch and a big brother’s wisdom, Darrin Patrick shares active wisdom while Amie chimes in with womanly advice (her words are italicized in the book). Their combined counsel is a call to the male of the species to get off the couch, to own some adult-level aspirations, and to stop living “beneath your masculinity.”

With tips as simple as “pick up after yourself” and as profound as “self worship gets boring,” The Dude’s Guide to Marriage has all the marks of a book that was written from the cauldron of everyday living. Darrin and Amie were high school sweethearts and have parented four children in the midst of an urban church planting ministry. They share honestly about the melting pot of their own marital conflicts. Appendices A-D are an arm around the single guy, the guy who is spooked over counseling, the spiritual light-weight, and the four people who haven’t read Chapman’s book on the love languages.

It is not for nothing that Paul’s teaching on marriage in the book of Ephesians is quickly followed by teaching on spiritual warfare. God’s design for marriage involves two sinners who enter into an agreement to deny their selfish tendencies for the good of a relationship that is intended, mysteriously, to portray the perfect unity between Christ and His bride. But, as with all things pertaining to the Christian life, we live out these huge verities in little moments through tiny deaths to self, and we find that the ability to do what needs to be done comes at the moment that we admit our helplessness and reach out in faith to the One who designed marriage in the first place.

//

This book was provided by Thomas Nelson through the BookLookBloggers program, in exchange for my review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

[Kristen Jarvis · Rating 1 out of 5]

"What's great about this book is that it teaches the gospel of Jesus Christ." Oh, hell, no. We're not married to Jesus.

[Matthew · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had a hard time choosing between a 3 and a 4 star review. (I would like if the rating system was built on a 10-star system but that's another conversation completely)

If that was the case this book would be a 7...

Anyway, this book teaches very practical ways for Christian men to love their wives more effectively. Many of the 10 skills the author establishes weren't expected from me. The 10 skills are

1. Listen
2. Talk.
3. Fight
4. Grow
5. Provide
6. Rest
7. Serve
8. Submit
9. Pursue
10. Worship

Very easy to understand, digest and read, I would recommend this book for any married man (even if you aren't Christian, I think this book definitely could help you grow to be a better husband).

At the end of each chapter, the author gives the reader 5 good questions to ask his wife.

[Samuel Geleynse · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good book. I appreciated his honesty, and his treatment of the 10 subjects he was focused on. I think he was bang on in many respects, and very much appreciated the book as a whole.

If I had to 'complain' about something, it would be that there are a few statements he makes which seem to be rather sweeping assumptions about his readers (assuming that ALL MEN are a certain way)... But I suppose in some ways that can't be entirely avoided when many of your readers could be in that boat (whatever that boat may be).

All in all, a good read.

[Adam Balshan · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 stars [Marriage]
W: 2.88, U: 2.75, T: 2.73
Exact rating: 2.78

Add an entire 1/2-star to the Utility rating if the reader is a new/baby Christian or a seeker. It's especially suited to those categories. Perhaps "The Dude's Guide" in the title should have been an indicator.

A decent book on marriage. Presented the gospel at the end! However, the chapter titled "Submit" earned a 2-star rating. Outside of this, the authors had 3 minor slips, e.g., misusing the biblical word "mystery."

Barely missed a 2.5-star rating. But not too bad overall.

[Stacia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had a lot of good information and would a great book for men to read.

However, the audio book is not well done. The voices are somewhat robotic especially the woman. It was a little hard to listen to.

[J.D. Small · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is full of great insight, and practical applications. Both writers are very transparent and very engaging. I would recommend this book to any guy who wants to grow in his marriage. This is definitely a book I'll come back to again.

[Joshua · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were many great ideas throughout this book amidst the various stories that were used as a delivery mechanism for those ideas/tips. What I would've loved to see is a bit more of a deep dive into some of these areas. Don't get me wrong - plenty to work through. I just wanted more!

[Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book. Surprisingly helpful.

[Rob · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author, though he provides some good suggestions, does not say anything that hasn't already said by other authors on the same subject, only better. An unimpressive read.

[Sarah Knox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good. Practical. Helpful. Insightful. Husbands, read this book. And let it help you change things. To the glory of God and to better your marriage.

[Brandon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy to read and Informal.

[Cursedwyvern · Rating 3 out of 5]

Made some interesting points, but then made some illogical out of context scripture references.

[Felicia Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would recommend every man read this.

[Kieran Grubb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic book!

Full of truth and excellent instruction.

A great read for married men/couples.

Highly recommend!

[Jeffrey McDowell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Readable and relatable for men.

[Oak · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Dude’s Guide to Marriage: 10 Skills Every Husband Must Develop to Love His Wife Well by Darrin and Amie Patrick is a book that discusses how to love and support your wife in ten key areas: listening, talking, fighting (well), growing, providing, resting, serving, submitting, pursuing, and worshipping (together). The book is primarily written by Darrin Patrick, though his wife Amie also provides thoughtful content.

I have recently read a few other books about marriage, and I thought that The Dude’s Guide was on par with Kim Kimberling’s 7 Secrets to an Awesome Marriage. I also liked it better than Sheila Wray Gregoire’s 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage and Doug Flander’s 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife. (Marriage books certainly have a monopoly on itemizing their ideas using numbers!)

I found Darrin Patrick’s emphasis on the topic of work, as well as his analysis of why some men shy away from hard work and responsibilites, to be very interesting. The book is full of practical ideas and detailed suggestions to improve communication in marriage, and the end of each chapter features five thought-provoking questions about your relationship, such as, “Are there areas in my life where you feel that I’ve become stagnant?” The guide is designed for already-married couples, but whether you’re married, engaged, or single, I believe that The Dude’s Guide to Marriage is a beneficial book.

*I received this book for review.*

[Denise DiFalco · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author's Darrin & Amie Patrick tackle that old question, What does my wife want? They prove that if you infiltrate these ten basic attributes (worship; listening; submitting; serving; providing among others) that you will become the best spouse ever. The book is directed towards christian men where they can incorporate their belief's and put faith into action, although I highly recommend for all young men who want a thriving marriage. Being blessed with a very happy union with my spouse and thoroughly enjoying marriage life, I can confirm that what the authors convey is true. For many, the tasks may mean change and at a step at a time. For others, who are selfless and who enjoy giving this book is a good reminder during difficult stages. The authors provide questions and answer opportunities so that the readers can interact along with their partners. There are a number of fun opportunities listed to get closer to your wife. Overall a great read and learning tool. I was given the great opportunity of reviewing this book for Book Look Bloggers.

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book in anticipation of my own marriage later this year. This book was insightful and relevant in many ways, although the content wasn’t necessarily new or revelatory. It actually felt like much of the content had been taken from other authors and compiled in this book (there was content from “Hold Me Tight” and “The 5 Love Languages” that I recognized.)

It’s also worth noting that this book was written specifically for men, focusing on the common mishaps and failures of men and how they love and treat their wives. So while the content wasn’t necessarily new, I think that by focusing specifically on men’s issues, the book might be especially relevant to men who wish to love their wives better. Good book but nothing that you can’t learn from other authors.

[Scott Carter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very easy read, didn't take long at all. Felt like a repackaging of many other marriage books for "dudes." I would recommend all read this, but don't let this be it. There is a lot of other material out there that gets more specific. This is an accessible book can serve a great purpose of introducing men to areas in which they can work on in their own marriages.

[Ted Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall very good and helpful, convicting even. Theologically squishy in places that held back from a more superb rating.

[Sergey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful book to read before getting married.

[LeeAnn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was excellent. I would recommend it to any husband who can't understand why his wife is unhappy with him or their marriage.

[Walter Greer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book

This book helped me to put together an effective plan in connecting more to my wife and her needs....Awesome or as we say in Boston Wicked Good!

[Robin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good lines and good thoughts throughout, but better books out there on marriage. His wife's thoughts were more helpful and moved the book to a three star IMHO.

[Joel Rockey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical book on marriage. Recommended.