Детството и семенцата на щастието

by Edward M. Hallowell, Гаяне Минасян (Преводач)

Ние, порасналите, от висотата на натрупаните години, многознайство и дистанцираност от детските дни може да забравим неподправената радост, която извира от усещането, че си обичан и в безопасност. Ако сте имали късмета да преживеете това усещане като дете (в простичките моменти, когато са ви гушвали в леглото или са целували удареното ви пръстче), то вие сте благословени. Ако ли не, вероятно познавате болезнената му липса. Един от най-добрите начини да компенсирате тази липса е вие самите да дарите такива моменти на някое дете. Изведнъж празнината вътре във вас ще се запълни.


Борбите и неудачите не са проблем – те също може да са част от магията. Стига някъде в детството да има безусловна любов, неговото вълшебство напоява семенцата на щастието и те скоро започват да покълват. Любовта не е всичко, от което човек има нужда, но без нея почти нищо не върши работа. В контекста на любовта борбите и сериозните падания водят до израстване.


Корените на моралното поведение не са в нравоучителните лекции, нито в познаването на Десетте божи заповеди. Тези неща може и да формулират правилата, но не осигуряват мотивацията да ги следваш.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Family, Education, Adhd

304 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2002

About the author

Edward (Ned) Hallowell, M.D., is a child and adult psychiatrist, a NY Times bestselling author, a world-renowned speaker and a leading authority in the field of ADHD. He has authored twenty books including the 1994 ground-breaking New York Times best-seller on ADHD, Driven to Distraction. In aggregate, Dr. Hallowell's books have sold more than 2 million copies on various psychological topics including how to: raise children into happy adults, manage worry, develop focus, forgiveness, connecting on a deeper level and how to inspire the best from employees. His most recent book was his Memoir, Because I Come From A Crazy Family The Making Of A Psychiatrist. His next book, ADHD 2.0 releases on January 12, 2021. Pre-order your copy today.

He is the host of “Distraction,” a weekly podcast that offers insights, strategies and tactics for coping and thriving in this crazy-busy, 24/7 over-connected modern world.

Reviews

[Anji · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a beautiful book! Skip the whole idea of 5 steps and listen to what he's saying (and he says it beautifully). I loved that this Harvard psychiatrist isn't a know-it-all, but instead a friendly reminder to slow down, listen to your intuition and common sense, and remember what you loved about being a kid. I will actually keep this book because I imagine I will reread it whenever I need to be inspired.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I will tell you why I connected so strongly to this book at this point in my life. Both of my children are now in private school. I am seeing more and more parents using "stuff" as a way to connect with their children rather than experiences. I am also seeing far too many shark eyes, of those children who have seen it all, done it all, and own it all and nothing can move them anymore. It's sad. No one can be satisfied with a simple slumber party anymore; there must be a theme. Or, that everyone wants to get their hair and nails done before a middle school dance. Really?!? Isn't it enough that you got a new dress? That's more than I got for a middle school dance. And it really doesn't matter if it's public or private school anymore; parents are just giving and buying and doing to the point where their children are ungrateful for it all, and this author shows how that can be devastating for their future happiness.

[Tommi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't think this book was written very well. It wasn't very enjoyable to read. It felt more like ramblings. But I really liked Hallowell's 5 steps. The 5 steps are a continuing cycle that when instilled will naturally lead to self-esteem, optimism, moral choices, etc. The steps are CONNECTION, PLAY, PRACTICE, MASTERY, & RECOGNITION. Connection is the most important. A child must feel loved and connected to someone (hopefully their parents). Hallowell also talks about the importance of play for children which naturally leads to practice and then mastery of a skill, which leads to recognition and on to connection. Take riding a bike, when the child masters that ability they are recognized by their parents and by their peers and then become connected to a group (those who can ride bikes).

[Marleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book about parenting that reminds us that love and the feeling of security is the best thing we can do for our children. Dr. Hollowell emphasizes the importance of personal connections, routines and family rituals in building a nurturing relationship with your child. This provides the foundation that will help your child grow into a happy fulfilled adult. The other important elements are play, practice, mastery, and recognition. We want our children to be resiliant; to be able to handle adversity with courage and optimism. We want our children to demonstrate moral behavior, to have friends and make good decisions. One of the hardest things for committed parents to do is to let their child find out consequences of bad decisions and how to figure out how to solve problems on their own.

[Molly B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this perspective, reminders to slow down and connect. The message was very digestible and well-written! Highly recommend

[Malia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Edward Hallowell is not always a masterful writer, but he writes so tenderly about his own children and children in general that I was moved to tears several times. Hallowell helps readers connect with their own childhoods to help remember what went right, and gives some clear steps to helping kids have a happy, authentic childhood that will lead to adult happiness. He clearly calls for parents to move away from the achievement-at-all-costs mindset that can lead to miserable kids who turn into miserable adults. The book isn't complex or overly long, but it has some messages and insights that will stay with me and impact my parenting style.

[Daneen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I finished this book a few months ago and it was a good reminder and an eye opener to how I am raising my daughter. I will be sure not to SOLVE her problems but rather listen and let her make mistakes and solve her own problems so that she can become independent and confident. Far too often parents want to step in and make everything right for their child not allowing him/her to grow. This is one of many things I discovered. A great book if you are a parent or teacher.

[Lily P. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listened to this as a book on CD.

Typical of self-help type books, the author uses several examples from case studies or personal experience. The core principles of the book seem very solid. For a child to create and sustain lifelong joy they need to have connection in childhood, either to a parent or other adult (Connection being a solid relationship where the child experiences unconditional love and a nurturing, consistent emotional environment where they learn to identify and manage their own emotions); Play (not electronic play, but kinetic, imaginative, interactive play--not unlike the concept of finding Flow); Practice; Mastery and Recognition.

Nothing in the book was earth shattering or a new concept. The case studies didn't really add to the book for me. Perhaps I've read too many self-helpy type books but the case studies begin to be repetitive and boring. I don't get emotionally engaged with what feel like stereotypes, and just want that part of the book to be over. Give me the data. Give me the concepts. Let me consider how these ideas work within the experiences and models I have from my own life.

[JP · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is helpful both for the parent and and for anyone's own self-reflection. The framework is a cycle of five elements to adult happiness. I would have read this as a new parent if I'd known about it. It's old enough that I wonder if some of the research findings have changed. Most notably there's an observation that one of the factors linked to adult happiness is extraversion. In the past decade, we've seen several notable books about the positive qualities of introverts.

[AnaMaria Rivera · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book, and one of my favorite on my literature review of my dissertation. Resilience and self transformational work allow for creating an empowering adulthood despite traumatic events in childhood... however, at the core of this book and my research, is the invitation for us as parents to create strong roots in our children that will lead them into an empowered and flourishing adulthood.

Read if you are interested in becoming that empowering parent, adult or teacher in the life of a child.

"Recent research has proved that parents and teachers can greatly increase the chances that their children and students will grow up to be happy, responsible adults by instilling certain qualities that might not seem of paramount importance but in fact are—inner qualities such as optimism, playfulness, a can-do attitude, and connectedness (the feeling of being a part of something larger than yourself)."

[Jenni · Rating 3 out of 5]

I recently heard Michael Thompson (Raising Cain) speak and he recommended this book. I purchased it as a possible summer reading book for our faculty (middle and high school teachers). I thought is would help foster discussion as we talk about Race to Nowhere. I wanted to read it first and I am glad I did.

The book is good, but definitely aimed at parents of young children. I personal gleaned some gems from the book, but they were few and probably have to do with where I am in my life right now as the mother of a young child. As an educator with 14 years experience I didn't learn anything new.

All that being said, I did like the book and would recommend it to new parents, especially those whose interaction with children prior to becoming a parent has been limited.

I will be using some quotes from the book with the faculty and with parents in the upcoming school year.

[Jules · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good framework to think about how children develop the skill of pursuing and sustaining happiness that can last throughout their lives, and how as parents we should help them develop this skill, and give them opportunities to practice it, rather than just plopping ephemeral happiness in front of them like lollipops. I found the steps: connection, play, practice, mastery, and recognition, overall very sound, and worth exploring. The basic idea of giving kids a chance to work up to mastering something and fill the intrinsic joy and motivation that gives you resonated with me. The author's writing at times grated, and the book could certainly have been shorter, but the last section that went into detail on how to create connectedness, which starts it all, was really worth the read.

[Andrea Thorpe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this author's writing to be extremely positive and well explained. He was an easy read, since his writing flowed well for me.

I learned that a connection to a larger entity than themselves is the foremost ingredient to creating lifelong joy for my kids. Everything else is just as important, but doesn't exist without connection. I left feeling that I could definitely bring my kids up to have passions that sustain creativity and happiness.

I would recommend this book to anyone that is looking to break down the components of raising a well-adjusted kid. This book is the type you can use as a reference in the years to come.

[Annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved Hallowell's emphasis on those things that make children feel secure, and have tried to incorporate them into my own parenting. I particularly liked his feelings that children need an adult to trust and confide in -- even if it is not a parent, and his encouragement of spirituality in children.

I've recommended this book to lots of new parents!

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book identifies what the author believes to be key developments in children which influence their long term happiness. Most of the book is rooted in research, but the author doesn't have footnotes indicating where the source material comes from and his illustrations largely come from his family life which results in this book not being as good as it could be.

[Josh · Rating 3 out of 5]

This gave me much to think about both in terms of my own personal and professional development and how I can give my kids opportunities to develop talents and hobbies that will sustain with life-long enjoyment. I would recommend it to any parent, as well as to anyone who has thought or been told they need to find a hobby.

[Kelsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

I felt the author was very repetitive and that the book could've been a few chapters shorter, but Hallowell addresses key factors to childhood happiness and what makes childhood the most beneficial for our children. I definitely agreed with many of his points and views. Worth the read for any parent.

[Hana · Rating 4 out of 5]

On the whole, this was the type of book that kept me thinking after I put it down, even though it didn't feel so spectacular while I was reading it. It could have been shorter, but overall re-emphasized a few very straightforward points that I firmly agree lead to the ability to grow up happy: loving unconditionally, not over-parenting, and planting seeds of passion for your child to develop.

[Cindy Deister · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book for parent, teacher, and even for families to read together. The cycle described by the author has been processing in my mind since, and I am ready to share it with teachers at our preschool. I especially enjoyed the emphasis on play.

[Tina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of great practical information about being a good parent in an every day life.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading with book group...and looking forward to it!

[Eric · Rating 3 out of 5]

Skimmed some of this but some decent ideas.

Big idea: Connection leads to play, play leads to practice, practice leads to mastery, mastery leads to recognition, recognition leads to connection.

Elements of a connected childhood:
Unconditional love from someone, family togetherness
The Individual's own self
Friends, neighbourhood, community
God or the World of the Spirit
Chores, work, responsibility to contribute
Institutions and organizations (School)
Activities, sports
Ideas and information (school)
Pets
A sense of the past
Nature
The world of beauty and arts

[Val · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the first half a little rambling- it was more about the background and theory, but not very concrete. But the second half redeemed it by offering concrete suggestions with the first half underpinning them. Nothing overly surprising or dogmatic in here - which is reassuring. We are all doing a lot of these things right. But there may be areas where we struggle. Hallowell is relatable as he shares how he struggles as well. There is something in here for everyone.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This had some great ideas; ones that I’m sure I’ll go back to review from time to time. The author’s idea of a connected childhood as the basis of adult happiness makes a lot of sense. Definitely worth the read!

[Deny · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Go outside and play. Bring your children to connect more with nature. Children should be outdoors a lot. The great competition the outdoors faces in vying for children's time these days is electronic."

[Alison · Rating 4 out of 5]

The more I learn about child development the more I value the importance of mental health in children for success in adulthood. This is why I was drawn to this book. I didn't find the ideas completely revolutionary, but the concept of slowing down and connecting emotionally are very important.

[Kate Raney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book about 10 years ago when during a tumultuous time in our family life. I found it extremely encouraging at the time and it helped me find more solid footing as a parent. Now my kids are all grown up and I can report they are both happy and creative and have good futures ahead.

[Charity · Rating 5 out of 5]

I should be more judicious with my 5s because I feel like this book should be a 6. I love this author!

[Chu Qiao · Rating 5 out of 5]

wow.

[Marshall · Rating 2 out of 5]

Felt a little too aspirational