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Parent Speak: What's Wrong with How We Talk to Our Children - and What to Say Instead
Imagine if every time you praise your child with “Good job!” you’re actually doing more harm than good. What if asking a child “Can you say thank you?” is exactly the wrong way to go about teaching manners? And would you still say “I’m going to tickle you!” if you knew it had just as much potential to terrorize as to delight?
Jennifer Lehr is a smart, funny, fearless writer who, in the words of the actress Jennifer Jason Leigh, “takes everything you thought you knew about parenting and turns it on its ear.” Backing up her lively arguments with research from psychologists, educators, and organizations, including Thomas Gordon, Alfie Kohn, Peter Gray, and R.I.E. (Resources for Infant Educarers), Ms. Lehr takes on “parentspeak”—the seemingly innocuous language parents fall back on when talking to their young children—and, in the process, offers a conscious, compassionate approach to parenting based on respect and love for the child as an individual.
So what to say instead of “Good job!” the next time your daughter shows off her new painting? Demonstrate actual interest by asking her to describe the work and sharing your impressions of it. And what’s wrong with “Who’s a big boy!”? It sells the idea that older is somehow better—so often used by parents trying to potty train a child—and discounts the child’s own fears about change. Readers will be surprised when they realize how often they rely on these phrases, and then become proselytizers for the wisdom of “GOOD JOB!” There’s nothing as compelling in the lives of young parents as the subject of parenting—particularly when it comes with the promise of strengthening their relationships with their children along the way.
Jennifer Lehr is a smart, funny, fearless writer who, in the words of the actress Jennifer Jason Leigh, “takes everything you thought you knew about parenting and turns it on its ear.” Backing up her lively arguments with research from psychologists, educators, and organizations, including Thomas Gordon, Alfie Kohn, Peter Gray, and R.I.E. (Resources for Infant Educarers), Ms. Lehr takes on “parentspeak”—the seemingly innocuous language parents fall back on when talking to their young children—and, in the process, offers a conscious, compassionate approach to parenting based on respect and love for the child as an individual.
So what to say instead of “Good job!” the next time your daughter shows off her new painting? Demonstrate actual interest by asking her to describe the work and sharing your impressions of it. And what’s wrong with “Who’s a big boy!”? It sells the idea that older is somehow better—so often used by parents trying to potty train a child—and discounts the child’s own fears about change. Readers will be surprised when they realize how often they rely on these phrases, and then become proselytizers for the wisdom of “GOOD JOB!” There’s nothing as compelling in the lives of young parents as the subject of parenting—particularly when it comes with the promise of strengthening their relationships with their children along the way.
272 pages, Paperback
First published June 14, 2016
214 people are currently reading
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 69 reviews
August 22, 2017
I'm giving it a four-star review because it was certainly thought-provoking - but that's not to say I agreed with everything I read. I think some of it might also be more effective when applied to older children than mine - sorry, but a 2 year old rarely gives the time to have the sort of conversation about feelings and motivations she's advocating. Our "why don't you want to wear your coat?" conversations go more like this from her end: "no coat!" "Wear coat!" "Yes!" "No!"
April 11, 2017
This book is so apt in describing the way we talk to kids as if they need to be manipulated, objectified, micromanaged, distressed, invalidated or threatened.
Jennifer explores why we generally talk to children differently and how we can better educate ourselves and take a better approach.
Rating: 4/5
Favourite quote: “So when we parents try to become the drivers of our kids’ bodies, when we think we know better, they can come to doubt their own good judgement, and that’s truly risky”.
Recommendation: If you have found if challenging to decide how you want to speak to or raise your child with relevant words, this is the book for you. Jennifer outlines the effects our words have on children and how we can retrain ourselves to engage with them better.
Jennifer explores why we generally talk to children differently and how we can better educate ourselves and take a better approach.
Rating: 4/5
Favourite quote: “So when we parents try to become the drivers of our kids’ bodies, when we think we know better, they can come to doubt their own good judgement, and that’s truly risky”.
Recommendation: If you have found if challenging to decide how you want to speak to or raise your child with relevant words, this is the book for you. Jennifer outlines the effects our words have on children and how we can retrain ourselves to engage with them better.
January 24, 2020
Základní výchovný manuál. Co neříkat svým dětem, pokud z nich nechcete vychovat emoční zmetky...
November 7, 2017
On the day I started reading this book, Mr. Barry, our security guard at work gave me his best piece of child-rearing advice: "Listen to your children. Because if you don't, the streets will". I agreed with his point--if you don't treat your children with acceptance, if you don't value them as individuals, they will seek out people who will, and they may not always make the best decisions if they have been taught that their opinions are not valid, or that pleasing others is more important than being true to themselves. That, essentially, is the argument of this book. Lehr makes convincing arguments against some of the most seemingly innocuous phrases that parents use--"Good job! You're okay! Give grandma a kiss!" Instead, she encourages parents to start a dialogue with their children. If your child falls down, is he really ok? Does he need a hug from mom more that reassurances that he's tough? Is your child comfortable giving hugs and kisses to people he doesn't know well, or would he prefer a handshake or fist bump? As adults we sometimes forget that children are people too--they are allowed to be sad, frustrated, and have bad days. Understanding what is developmentally appropriate for children, rather than trying to force them to act like miniature adults, is important.
The one phrase that I won't be giving up? "Say thank you!" Lehr believes that children should not be forced to express gratitude that they don't feel. Realistically, most of us say thank you multiple times a day without feeling true gratitude. Whether it's to our family members, coworkers, or strangers, saying thank you to someone who has done something for you is a way of acknowledging their humanity.
The one phrase that I won't be giving up? "Say thank you!" Lehr believes that children should not be forced to express gratitude that they don't feel. Realistically, most of us say thank you multiple times a day without feeling true gratitude. Whether it's to our family members, coworkers, or strangers, saying thank you to someone who has done something for you is a way of acknowledging their humanity.
August 7, 2018
Honestly, this book was hard to read for me. The writing was great, but the content just wasn’t what I thought it was. I thought it was more along the lines of how to speak to children but it was more about how everything we do is wrong and we need to coddle our children and talk to them like they’re adults who understand emotions. I think instead of putting information out there to help parents, it was just Jennifer’s opinions on parenting in regards to discipline, potty training, etc. I was reading in the car and was sharing blurbs with my husband and he wanted to throw the book out the window. While it did open my eyes in certain respects, it gave me the gratification that I am a good mom despite this book basically telling me that I am not. When it comes to books about parenting, I will certainly be reading the reviews before I buy it.
July 3, 2017
I gave this book 4 stars because it is causing me to do a lot of rethinking and soul searching, not because I necessarily agree with it all.
In a nutshell, the message of ParentSpeak is that children are people, too, and adults should treat them with dignity, respect, and compassion. In bigger than a nutshell, Lehr examines 14 common phrases or practices and the messages they actually send to children. (These include "good job," "you're ok," "say thank you," time out, spanking, and others.)
While I don't agree with every analysis, reading this has caused to reexamine what I say to my son and what message I'm actually sending him. I would highly recommend this to parents or others who interact with children.
In a nutshell, the message of ParentSpeak is that children are people, too, and adults should treat them with dignity, respect, and compassion. In bigger than a nutshell, Lehr examines 14 common phrases or practices and the messages they actually send to children. (These include "good job," "you're ok," "say thank you," time out, spanking, and others.)
While I don't agree with every analysis, reading this has caused to reexamine what I say to my son and what message I'm actually sending him. I would highly recommend this to parents or others who interact with children.
Currently reading
May 9, 2020čtu. Konečně už trochu aktivněji a je to skvělé čtení (vlastně nejen) pro rodiče jakéholi věku a přesvědčení. Super kniha do každé člověčí knihovny. Fakt.
August 22, 2020
Jediná knížka o výchově, kterou jsem přečetla, ale o to víc stála za to. Věděla jsem předem, že s ní budu souznět, spoustu věcí jsem znala a snažím se aplikovat, přesto jsem si našla hodně nových a překvapivých myšlenek.
Rozhodně doporučuji všem rodičům a odteď ji budu kupovat všem svým těhotným kamarádkám :-)
Rozhodně doporučuji všem rodičům a odteď ji budu kupovat všem svým těhotným kamarádkám :-)
March 4, 2019
The four stars for this book are for its ability to be thought-provoking. I was amazed at how many childhood memories came up while looking through this book. While children don't always have the best communication abilities, it does not mean that they are any less of a person. I remember my personhood very clearly from my childhood perspective---and looking through this book was in some ways a revelation.
Now, this is not to say that I agree with everything in this book. Far from it. But simply exposing oneself to the concepts laid out here will get the reader thinking in ways that I think are really beneficial, both for parents and for people in general. Because we were all children at one point, right? This book helped me articulate some things to myself and see patterns that I may not have otherwise seen.
There are iffy parts of this book as well, moments that made me cringe or think, "I don't think your solution is any better than original issue." But I think that is part of what makes the book valuable. It is very likely to provoke the reader into their own thoughts, into examining their assumptions and into bringing their own philosophy to light in new ways (even healing ways). I don't think the writer necessarily intended for the book to be read and understood as I took it, but that's beside the point.
If you want to think about how children are treated as second class, if you want to think about the communication patterns that are routinely used, if you want to look at the way that tickling is an acceptable form of violence and violation against children, if you want to get unexpected insights into your own childhood----check out this book at your local library and give it a look.
Now, this is not to say that I agree with everything in this book. Far from it. But simply exposing oneself to the concepts laid out here will get the reader thinking in ways that I think are really beneficial, both for parents and for people in general. Because we were all children at one point, right? This book helped me articulate some things to myself and see patterns that I may not have otherwise seen.
There are iffy parts of this book as well, moments that made me cringe or think, "I don't think your solution is any better than original issue." But I think that is part of what makes the book valuable. It is very likely to provoke the reader into their own thoughts, into examining their assumptions and into bringing their own philosophy to light in new ways (even healing ways). I don't think the writer necessarily intended for the book to be read and understood as I took it, but that's beside the point.
If you want to think about how children are treated as second class, if you want to think about the communication patterns that are routinely used, if you want to look at the way that tickling is an acceptable form of violence and violation against children, if you want to get unexpected insights into your own childhood----check out this book at your local library and give it a look.
February 18, 2019
Very hard to read. Full of personnal preference and opinions instead of useful tips. The example given on some issues are bordering to stupid.
October 30, 2019
Není to úplně špatné, ale nesouhlasím se vším a spousta jiných věcí je zas už omletá z jiných knížek. Dotkla se mě výrazněji asi jen kapitola o vlastních spouštěčích.
September 2, 2024
I really enjoyed reading this book. A lot of parenting books can feel daunting, and don’t provide actual context on what to do in the real world or when they do it feels like a huge thing you need to follow. This was the perfect amount of “theory” and “application” if anything it really helped me see there might not be ONE way to do something, but there can be a BETTER way.
Just the other day I applied something I learned and I was shocked it worked within minutes. My 3 year old was throwing puzzle pieces instead of cleaning them up. And instead of arguing with him to stop and put them away I thought to myself - what’s a need he might be having that might not be being met - and I realized I hadn’t sat down and played with him yet that day. So I asked him if he would like to first do the puzzle then put it away. He immediately said yes and we did the puzzle and cleaned up. No yelling, no negotiating, he wasn’t trying to misbehave, he just needed connection. I think this book just really helps us SEE things from our kids perspective and we need more of that.
Just the other day I applied something I learned and I was shocked it worked within minutes. My 3 year old was throwing puzzle pieces instead of cleaning them up. And instead of arguing with him to stop and put them away I thought to myself - what’s a need he might be having that might not be being met - and I realized I hadn’t sat down and played with him yet that day. So I asked him if he would like to first do the puzzle then put it away. He immediately said yes and we did the puzzle and cleaned up. No yelling, no negotiating, he wasn’t trying to misbehave, he just needed connection. I think this book just really helps us SEE things from our kids perspective and we need more of that.
January 14, 2021
Kniha se mi líbila. Spousta věcí, které považuju za samozřejmost (nebít, nelechtat, nenutit dávat pusu komukoliv včetně babičky atd.), pár věcí, které by mě nenapadly, ale umím si představit, proč by mohly být kontraproduktivní. Těch podnětů k zamyšlení je v knize dost a z těch pár mama-knih, co jsem měla v ruce, mi zatím tahle dala asi nejvíc.
Ale není to bez výhrad. Zejména teda ten styl psaní, to je u tohoto žánru zřejmě trend, že se to natahuje, kam až to jde, a v textu se nechá hromada "omáčky". Ta kniha mohla být poloviční, ba i třetinová. I tak se tím ale jeden vcelku snadno prokouše a přišlo mi, že v druhé půlce autorka trochu zrychlila, nebo jsem si už zvykla, a četlo se to snáz.
Ale není to bez výhrad. Zejména teda ten styl psaní, to je u tohoto žánru zřejmě trend, že se to natahuje, kam až to jde, a v textu se nechá hromada "omáčky". Ta kniha mohla být poloviční, ba i třetinová. I tak se tím ale jeden vcelku snadno prokouše a přišlo mi, že v druhé půlce autorka trochu zrychlila, nebo jsem si už zvykla, a četlo se to snáz.
March 13, 2019
If you are a parent, caregiver, or work with children in any manner this is well worth a read.
February 13, 2018
A must read for any parent or caregiver. I learned so much about the innocuous phrases I was already saying to my one year old and how unhelpful and even hurtful they can be. Definitely a book that i will revisit over and over.
January 1, 2018
Thought-provoking and insightful. I never would have guessed some of these or the rationale behind not using these phrases in communicating with our children (some were more obvious and some I didn't quite see the harm in even after the reasoning argument was presented.
As a teacher of primary school students and the mother of three (ages 4, 8 & 11) who is a strong proponent and longtime practitionet of Nonviolent Communication, I am very receptive to the idea that we do need to be careful and how we say it- particularly concerning the most sensitive amongst us: our little ones who look to us to model their own future behaviour and habits.
As a teacher of primary school students and the mother of three (ages 4, 8 & 11) who is a strong proponent and longtime practitionet of Nonviolent Communication, I am very receptive to the idea that we do need to be careful and how we say it- particularly concerning the most sensitive amongst us: our little ones who look to us to model their own future behaviour and habits.
August 28, 2020
Snažila jsem se přistoupit k tomu s otevřenou myslí a něco si odnést.. Ale pardon, ty kapitoly, co jsem četla byly prostě na hlavu... Jakože nechat dítě čůrat do plen, dokud samo nebude ready je odhodit, nenutit dítě dát pusu babičce, protože pak si zvykne, že nemá vládu nad svým tělem a nebude umět říct ne sexuálnímu obtěžování, a tak vesele dál? Navíc každá kapitola se dala popsat jedním odstavcem, ostatní byla jen zbytečná omáčka.. A hlavně jsem na vytýkané jednání často ani nenašla správné jednání, což je za mě nesplnění cíle knihy.
Asi nejsem cílovka.. Jdu to střelit na mimibazar :D
Asi nejsem cílovka.. Jdu to střelit na mimibazar :D
July 11, 2018
The concepts are valuable, but I felt that the author spoke down to parents who practiced parenting differently than her, and that really put me off (despite the fact that I love her philosophy of how to talk to your children). I would recommend this book to graze the concepts, and not to actually read and engage with all the talk she does about how other people are damaging their children by talking to them differently than her suggestions.
February 5, 2017
Words really do make a difference. A look at what messages we are really sending vs. what we think we are saying. A must read for all new parents!
May 16, 2022
Tuto knihu jsem si pořídila ze dvou důvodů. Chvílemi mi přišlo, že si se synem ne moc dobře rozumíme a já si s ním kolikrát nevěděla rady a jeden čas se u nás často křičelo, protože syn je silná nátura a formuje se mu osobnost. A za druhé, protože mě hrozně moc oslovila anotace knihy. Vůbec jsem totiž nepomyslela na to, že když dítěti řeknu, že je "šikulka", že bych mu mohla do budoucna i ublížit. A to mě právě hrozně zaujalo. Jak mohou slova jako: "Už jsi velký kluk" nebo " Řekni, promiň" dítě ovlivnit a jak moc.
•••
Kniha je rozdělená do čtrnácti kapitol přesně podle těch výše zmíněných slovních spojení. Každá kapitola se zabývá určitou svízelnou situací, která většině rodičů přijde zcela normální. Člověk totiž snadno zjistí, že díky určitým frázím s dětmi hodně často manipulujeme, ovládáme je, trápíme a i vyhrožujeme a to jen proto, že to samé s námi dělali naši rodiče. Což je velmi smutné.
•••
Při čtení jsem se hodně zamýšlela nad sebou, způsobem výchovy a i se dojímala nad tím, jak krásně umí autorka věci podat a jak se dá i jinak dítěti láska předávat.
•••
Kniha je vytuněná seznamem další literatury ohledně "problémů", kterými se autorka zabývá. Všechny knihy jsou krásně rozdělené podle toho, které vyšly v češtině a které pouze v angličtině. Další tuning je seznam kurzů pro rodiče a to i těch co jsou online! A nesmí ani chybět výběr českých stránek o rodičovství.
Víte, už nad úvodním citátem jsem se dost zamyslela a v tomto duchu je celá kniha.
"Klacky a kameny mohou zlomit kosti, ale slova mohou otřást duší.
Na slovech záleží. Volte je moudře."
•••
Knihu velmi doporučuji všem, kteří mají děti, čekají je nebo se terpve rozhodli mít rodinu. Vážně mi kniha moc dala a jsem ráda, že ji mám v knihovně a můžu do ní kdykoli nahlédnout.
•••
Kniha je rozdělená do čtrnácti kapitol přesně podle těch výše zmíněných slovních spojení. Každá kapitola se zabývá určitou svízelnou situací, která většině rodičů přijde zcela normální. Člověk totiž snadno zjistí, že díky určitým frázím s dětmi hodně často manipulujeme, ovládáme je, trápíme a i vyhrožujeme a to jen proto, že to samé s námi dělali naši rodiče. Což je velmi smutné.
•••
Při čtení jsem se hodně zamýšlela nad sebou, způsobem výchovy a i se dojímala nad tím, jak krásně umí autorka věci podat a jak se dá i jinak dítěti láska předávat.
•••
Kniha je vytuněná seznamem další literatury ohledně "problémů", kterými se autorka zabývá. Všechny knihy jsou krásně rozdělené podle toho, které vyšly v češtině a které pouze v angličtině. Další tuning je seznam kurzů pro rodiče a to i těch co jsou online! A nesmí ani chybět výběr českých stránek o rodičovství.
Víte, už nad úvodním citátem jsem se dost zamyslela a v tomto duchu je celá kniha.
"Klacky a kameny mohou zlomit kosti, ale slova mohou otřást duší.
Na slovech záleží. Volte je moudře."
•••
Knihu velmi doporučuji všem, kteří mají děti, čekají je nebo se terpve rozhodli mít rodinu. Vážně mi kniha moc dala a jsem ráda, že ji mám v knihovně a můžu do ní kdykoli nahlédnout.
March 25, 2025
I think this book is close to a 4/5 stars but a couple of things dropped the review down for me.
1. Each chapter, I found myself saying “well, obviously…” because each concept just makes sense. A lot of chapters enlightened and convinced me of some things I wasn’t aware of. I thought that was super helpful, but then Lehr would throw in some extreme examples that oversimplify the point trying to be made. Good parenting messages laced with eye-roll moments, particularly at the end.
2. The Afterword: I don’t care much about ideologies when it comes to parenting and, boy, did Lehr attempt to make her thesis known at the end. I think what is trying to be said here is that kids have human rights that cannot be ignored, which I think we all agree on. To go even further and say we do not “own” children is major exaggeration and/or misstep when it comes to interpretation. A person simply cannot and should not be “owned”, but parents MUST be the supervisors and decision-makers for their children. Full stop. Otherwise, semantics could play a huge roll in who makes decisions for our children (I.e. school, the State, Child Services… versus… the parents). Say what you want about language, but clarity and word choice matters. Parents are and should always be the first people in charge of their children unless not fit to do so.
1. Each chapter, I found myself saying “well, obviously…” because each concept just makes sense. A lot of chapters enlightened and convinced me of some things I wasn’t aware of. I thought that was super helpful, but then Lehr would throw in some extreme examples that oversimplify the point trying to be made. Good parenting messages laced with eye-roll moments, particularly at the end.
2. The Afterword: I don’t care much about ideologies when it comes to parenting and, boy, did Lehr attempt to make her thesis known at the end. I think what is trying to be said here is that kids have human rights that cannot be ignored, which I think we all agree on. To go even further and say we do not “own” children is major exaggeration and/or misstep when it comes to interpretation. A person simply cannot and should not be “owned”, but parents MUST be the supervisors and decision-makers for their children. Full stop. Otherwise, semantics could play a huge roll in who makes decisions for our children (I.e. school, the State, Child Services… versus… the parents). Say what you want about language, but clarity and word choice matters. Parents are and should always be the first people in charge of their children unless not fit to do so.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 20, 2019
The overall gist of this book is that you should think about what you are going to say to kids before you say it and that if it wouldn't make sense to say to an adult, you probably shouldn't say it to a kid. For example, you would never say "You're okay!" to a friend who fell down but would rather ask them if they were okay and see if you could help.
If I was a mommy blogger I think this book would have been geared more towards me. As a result, I ended up skimming large portions of the book. Overall, I agree with most of what she has to say. I agree that people say stupid things to kids just because that is what other people say to their kids and it is what was said to them when they were kids.
If I was a mommy blogger I think this book would have been geared more towards me. As a result, I ended up skimming large portions of the book. Overall, I agree with most of what she has to say. I agree that people say stupid things to kids just because that is what other people say to their kids and it is what was said to them when they were kids.
December 30, 2021
كتاب ينبغي على كلا الوالدين قراءته ..
مرعب كيف أن الكثير مما ورثناه عن آبائنا أو تشربناه من أقراننا المربين، ذا نتيجة كارثية على الأبناء..
إجبار الطفل على السلام على الكبار
إجباره على مشاركة ألعابه ، وعلى الاعتذار قولا حتى لو لم يكن الطفل يعنيها.. أثر العقاب على الطفل لاسيما كرسي العقاب أو إجباره على المكوث في غرفته، أثر الصراخ، أو تهديد الطفل للرضوخ لما نرغب (توقف عن البكاء وسأمنحك قطعة الحلوى)، وغيرها من أمور لا يلقي لها المربي بالا ولها من الأثر العظيم على الطفل..
من المفترض أن يكون الأبوان مصدر الأمان لطفلهما، ولكن بعض السلوكيات كالصراخ أو الضرب الشديد تدفع بالطفل لمزالق نفسية وسلوكية جمة..
أحببت في الكتاب خاتمته اللطيفة، وتربيتته على الجميع "آباؤنا أخطؤوا في بعض الأمور ولكنهم حسنوا النية، كما فعل أجدادنا من قبل"..
مرعب كيف أن الكثير مما ورثناه عن آبائنا أو تشربناه من أقراننا المربين، ذا نتيجة كارثية على الأبناء..
إجبار الطفل على السلام على الكبار
إجباره على مشاركة ألعابه ، وعلى الاعتذار قولا حتى لو لم يكن الطفل يعنيها.. أثر العقاب على الطفل لاسيما كرسي العقاب أو إجباره على المكوث في غرفته، أثر الصراخ، أو تهديد الطفل للرضوخ لما نرغب (توقف عن البكاء وسأمنحك قطعة الحلوى)، وغيرها من أمور لا يلقي لها المربي بالا ولها من الأثر العظيم على الطفل..
من المفترض أن يكون الأبوان مصدر الأمان لطفلهما، ولكن بعض السلوكيات كالصراخ أو الضرب الشديد تدفع بالطفل لمزالق نفسية وسلوكية جمة..
أحببت في الكتاب خاتمته اللطيفة، وتربيتته على الجميع "آباؤنا أخطؤوا في بعض الأمور ولكنهم حسنوا النية، كما فعل أجدادنا من قبل"..
August 8, 2017
Oh, to have had this book back then!
I'm a grandparent of 3 toddlers, and have had questions about many things that were answered in this book. It brought back some memories from my childhood, and the realization that my parents did many things right, and some not so right. The same with the parenting of my children. Oh, to have had this book back then! Now I see my children raising their children, and they seem to instinctively have grasped the principles of the book. It seems that parenting is evolving. But the book adds so much to the understanding of some common, not so good practices , I just want everyone to read it! I hope the parents of my grandchildren will.
I'm a grandparent of 3 toddlers, and have had questions about many things that were answered in this book. It brought back some memories from my childhood, and the realization that my parents did many things right, and some not so right. The same with the parenting of my children. Oh, to have had this book back then! Now I see my children raising their children, and they seem to instinctively have grasped the principles of the book. It seems that parenting is evolving. But the book adds so much to the understanding of some common, not so good practices , I just want everyone to read it! I hope the parents of my grandchildren will.
February 4, 2018
I would give this a 3.5 stars if I could - I really appreciated Lehr’s message of humanizing and respecting children. This book was truly thought-provoking and had me examining the power of my language in my role as a parent (and noticing every time/ how many times (!) I robotically used “parent speak” in my day to day).
However, some of her arguments and suggestions felt like a little bit of a stretch or maybe a little unrealistic... namely how I can reason with my one year to understand he needs a jacket to play outside when it’s 20 degrees. Perhaps my opinions will change once he’s a little older?
However, some of her arguments and suggestions felt like a little bit of a stretch or maybe a little unrealistic... namely how I can reason with my one year to understand he needs a jacket to play outside when it’s 20 degrees. Perhaps my opinions will change once he’s a little older?
June 17, 2018
This book is worth reading simply to make you think about the implications of common phrases you’d never otherwise think about. It’s particularly relevant for parents, obviously, but as most people interact with children on some level it’s on my books everyone should read list. The chapter “Behave Yourself” is the best.
It’s less important that you agree with everything she puts forward, and more about making an informed decision on how you are choosing to parent your child and updating your language accordingly. It’s amazing how universal (in the US) things like forced sharing and apologies are without a second thought as to whether they’re even beneficial at all.
It’s less important that you agree with everything she puts forward, and more about making an informed decision on how you are choosing to parent your child and updating your language accordingly. It’s amazing how universal (in the US) things like forced sharing and apologies are without a second thought as to whether they’re even beneficial at all.
July 17, 2018
I avoid reading parenting books generally because there are so many different opinions and backgrounds for both families and parent child relationships. I also don’t appreciate being made to feel guilty about how I parent when I’m trying to do the best I can. After saying all that I decided to give this book a try. I read the first chapter and a half and then skimmed the rest. Not because it was bad but because I was already aware of a lot of the things she spoke about. She writes well, uses good examples but at the end of the day it’s a parenting book and it will only be good if it speaks to your own personal ideals and values.
March 24, 2023
Niečo užitočné, niečo ale až príliš postavené na hlavu. Nie sú veľmi príklady ako sa teda zachovať v rôznych situáciách (okrem praktických príbehov ktoré majú take typické problémy kde je jasné ako riešiť). To je vlastne problém mnohých knižiek kde sa problém rieši za predpokladu že je čas sa o ňom porozprávať a dieťa krásne reaguje a odpovedá. V realite niekedy proste čas nie je adieta nie je schopné povedať čo je podstatou problému. Pripadne je to len o potrebe pozornosti ktorú v niektorých prípadoch nemôže dostať (nebezpečenstvo, je tu druhé dieťa s urgentnejsim problémom, niekedy aj rodič musí niečo riešiť/robiť).
June 16, 2017
I absolutely LOVED this book! While I didn't agree with everything the author said, I still loved just about everything about it. While it's filled with actual scientific evidence (from peer-reviewed journal articles, studies, parenting books by professional psychologists, etc.), it reads more like a conversation between friends. I was absolutely ENTHRALLED! It really opened my eyes to how we talk to and treat children. I have now cut way back on telling my bonus daughter "Good job!" and have begun saying "You did it all by yourself!" which she really gets a kick out of. She herself has started to say "I did it all by myself!" I have recommended this book to several parents I know (including my boyfriend) and will continue to recommend it in the future. Great book!
October 4, 2017
I think this book is a great read for anyone who has a kid or grandkids, or interacts with kids (teachers?) or knows a kid. It has made me rethink and analyze my interactions with my son and think about my feelings and word choices. That being said, it is a bit hippy-dippy, and I don't honk I'll follow all of the advice given, but being cognizant of the way I talk to my son will make me a better parent. I expect to re-read this book once a year or so to remember all of the ways to cope with children.
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